How long until i feel comfortable getting back into the real world? seems that my Husband is already there.. and we haven't even been separated a week... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> THAT hurts... i don't want to hurt him back... but i KNOW i'm going to need time to heal.... hopefully visiting here daily will help me get the healing i need along with some emotional therapy.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> already lined up...
i am a strong woman and i know i can get through this... it's just so tough right now...

WHOA the horses! WHOA!

STOP comparing yourself to your husband, you are different individual.

STOP assuming that getting right back into dating circulation should be interpreted as healthy for you as an individual.

START taking care of yourself as a single individual, independent and able to care for yourself by yourself. Once you are there, then maybe being open to a date is the proper time. . .

ood luck

wiftty

Hi Maria,

You wouldn't be thinking about dating already now would you?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hope not.You aren't anywhere near ready for all that yet.You aren't even D'd either.

If you mean just getting back out there feeling good about life again,etc then that's a reasonable question.You are actually in the real world already anyway.This is the bunch of lemons that comes along every so often.IMO you need to take it one day at a time.The good, the bad, and the ugly.Process all the emotions that come to pass.It will help you heal faster and in the best way you can.Trying to rush through any part of it will only ensure you will have it pop up again later in life,certainly at the most inopportune moment.

It is tought to go through this.That is why it's always important to be sure to take good care of yourself to weather the storm: eat right,sleep well,exercise,keep busy and foster those desires you have.Have any hobbies or travel plans you've put off? Make them come true.

Incidentally,how are your kids doing when with your H? I noticed you said that they will be away with him this weekend.

You need to decide if you are leaving or staying and make a committment to that.You still seem unsure.Let me just say,I understand that you still love your H,but love isn't always enough.There are many facets to a healthy marriage.Verbal,mental,emotional and physical abuse aren't any part of it.

Look at what IS and not WHAT COULD BE.That's the reality check.Are you and your H in counseling and committing to one another for a better marriage....or are you still having "blowouts" where the police need to be involved....

Protect those kids.

You know, your H probably isn't as happy and in a normal life as you would probably think. There is a difference between being happy, and acting happy around other people.

On another note, I feel your frustrations. I recently divorced my WW, and in the 4 short months it took to get us from filing for D to it being final, she was already engaged to another man in less than 3 months, (Including a month of chasing another man). I feel very sorry for this other guy, thinking he has found the woman for him, and let me say this, I knew her for the last 14 years, I know her better than anyone on earth, and her rushing out into another relationship is only going to crash harder. She needed time to cope with what she did, I even think she needs therapy. Nothing good can come from someone taking so much baggage as she has into another relationship. After 2 months of dating, I doubt he even knows the tip of the iceberg as to what is wrong with her.


Long story short, take time and learn to be yourself. I think someone once said around here, you are ready to date again when you are no longer lonely. I think that to be the best policy. Stop comparing yourself to him, chances are doing so will only drive you crazy. You probably need, as I do, time to heal, to heal the broken trust bone somewhere in your soul.

Sometimes it is best to know yourself better than to jump in head first and hope your figure it out along the way.

Hope it helps, I'm in a ranting mood tonight.

i guess i'm just feeling resentment... that HE could move on so quickly without second guessing.... i know that our realtionship was unhealthy and i have already scheduled counseling for MYSELF to begin MY healing process... my kids are not his... my kids were away with their dads this weekend (son 16 daughter 12, different dads)... and i was alone... in two totally different views, i was very sad to be alone.. and yet, i was happy to have some peace in the house.. his belongings are still there and will be until april 1...
the police were involved because my brother was protecting me from him.. my family was tired of him abusing me... mentally and slightly physically... my husband was the one who called the police.. and then i was afraid for the police and my family to leave.. i did not want to suffer through the same patterns again.. and i knew it was a way out... i asked him to go thorugh counseling while he is gone and he refused unless he was residing in my home with me... well, i couldn't do it... i just couldn't bare another sleepless night... after reviewing everything we had been through, i decided it wasn't worth salvaging... yet, part of me wishes i didn't... but i guess we ALL feel that way?????
I am so very thankful i have found this group... it will help me on my journey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The whole process can be long an overwhelming, but it's much easier if you try to take baby steps. It's different for everyone but here's how it went for me:

Dec 2004 WH started A
May 2005 Dday = total devistation & 7 months trying to save M
Dec 2005 Dday2 = kicked out WH and presured him to file D
Jan 2006 I was total hysterical basket case
Spring 2006 Started healing, started to forgive, worked through some of the pain
Summer 2006 Continued recovery, turned down some dates and indecent proposals<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />(good for ego) because I refused to break marriage vows (one IP was really tempting)
Fall 2006 Realized how much confidence and joy I had regained
Dec 2006 Asked out by a true redneck gentleman friend (say "hot fireman")and said what the heck.
March 1, 2007 Divorce Final!!! It was such a relief.
Now Still dating fireman when our schedules allow. Nothing more than kissing (yet??). I have no expectations and have the confidence to go out by myself when he's busy. (X is very angry and bitter and still w/OW who he claims is pregnant.)

I realize that I have baggage and need even more work. However, I wish you all the joy and happiness that I've found. It's taken lots of prayer, work and help from friends. Check to see if there is a DivorceCare program in your area.

fbwidow,
THank you so very much for your story.. it gives me GREAT hopes... i had a previous relationship of 10 years which ended 6 years ago... i learned to become the woman i am.. strong and independant... then i married (10 year relationship would not legally commit) in july... it has taken every ounce of who i was... i need to get that back... i know i will... in time... just like i took time to heal 6 years ago, i will do it again, and again if i must... life is a journey... and i will enjoy all i can from it...
the only thing that holds me back is the what if's... but i can't live my life with what if's... it has to be what IS... and what it IS, is unhealthy right now...
I'm so glad everyone here can listen to me babble... because i'm really just trying to work things out, outloud, yet in my OWN head... and this definitely helps.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I am so very glad you found your happiness... and i know i will get there again...
THANK YOU!!!