Ladies lets help the guys out some here, the dating/relationship thing is so different at the ages we are now then when we did this the first time around! Let’s give them some of our thoughts as to what we would want/like in a relationship or on a date, and perhaps one of them will start a thread for us on what they would like or want in a relationship/date.

I am watching some of the guys I know struggling and they will do nothing as they aren’t sure what it is to do, and to me both are cheated, probably not a good word to use on this site, I’m sorry!!!!!

I want a guy just to do something nice for me, just cause he knows it will make me smile…

I want a guy to put his hand on my back or shoulder to let me know he is there for me….

I want a guy to wink at me….let me see if I can figure out why.

Sometimes just seeing what others have done will inspire one to be creative, time and energy doesn’t cost anything and it’s looked up on as being cheap, it’s not, it’s being caring and creative. Which goes along way with me.

So how about adding something…..

Dawn




<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I'm a very independent woman. However, it gets my attention when a guy shows old fashioned manners such as opening a door, giving me his arm, etc. LOL! BF fusses at me when I get into car without him opening door, even when I'm driving.

Offering or doing something without being asked or nagged. For instance, my BF noticed that the handle on my frig was loose so he got the screwdriver and fixed it. It didn't take much work and I'm quite able and had been meaning to fix it. Still it meant a lot to me. I'm big on acts of service, but it might be a small gift for someone else. The point is he's thinking of me, not just doing what I tell him to do.

Most importantly, I want honesty.

fbwidow--I am very much the same way, I can do for myself but it is n ice to have someone thinking of you and just doing it!!!

But how do you train guys to be that way? I missed it with my son, but have 3 grandsons that I am working on it with!!!

Dawn

I want to be treated with reciprocal respect.

I don't want to have to guess what is on her mind, I want openess.


I want to be able to trust.

* My co-workers find my Southern Gentleman way intriging. It's unusual for a man to say yes mam and hold doors open for them.

Manners do matter.
I was early meeting a friend at a bar on Friday night. A nice young professional was sitting next to me, but waiting for someone. He chatted a bit, but was very cordial. My friend came and he offered his seat. His date came and she was stunning, and looked about 25. She ordered a drink called the "french maid". I joked that was a sure sign to any male that he was set for the night. She laughed and said they'd been married for 12 years, together 20.
It's great to see such great manners, and also to see people who are truly a pair after so long.

I think there is hope for all of us. Sometimes I think I am too independent to meet someone who can handle that. But I would certainly like someone to fix my refrigerator door without asking.

Manners are super big for me....

I, like Newly (and lots of us other gals) am way independent - I can do most things all by myself, thank you.

But a man who opens doors for me, holds my hand, holds the umbrella over my head for me and is just an old fashioned gentleman turns me into a big pile of girlie mush!!

Laura

Yes, I do agree with all of the above, manners are definitely a huge plus. In addition, I love it when men do the little things for me, like the refrigerator handle, leaving a little note for me to find, a quick little text message to brighten my day, etc. Little things mean so much more than tons of flowers or expensive gifts or expensive dinners out. So, my advice for men looking to score some extra brownie points, figure out those little things...

xetta, we need to help them see what those little things are!!!

We as single women have been very strong and independent out of neccsity, not because we wanted to be that way. I think that that is why the little things can mean so much to us.

Right now I would love for someone to bring me a cup of Chai Tea and set out on my back deck and watch the sunset with me, and then light the fire pit, so we could stay outside a little longer!!! I love fall!!!!

I want to be able to trust!!! That's a biggy right now for me!

This has been seeing what it is others want, we aren't all alone, seems most want similiar things!!!

Just a word to the ladies, if a guy does bring or send you flowers, don't say "Oh you shouldn't have." They probably won't again!!!! Smile and thank them profusely!!! They could be flowers out of the yard, just thank them!!!!

Dawn

Dawn

Interesting thread. I've recently started seeing someone new, and he's pushing all the right buttons <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Manners - VERY big with me, and so it seems, with others here too. My new beau opens doors, if I don't get there first, he'll seat me at a table (I have to slow down and not get there first!). On our first few dates he did not kiss me - but he did hug me.

Affection - one of my big ENs... my new beau is very affectionate - and affection does not need to be or lead to sexual activity - and he knows the difference.

Thoughtfulness - a short email or a text message goes a long way (this works both ways, ladies!)

I sent my new gentleman friend a text that said, "Smile, someone is thinking about you!" and that made his day - and he told me he showed it to his co-workers (he works for a family business, co-workers were his step-mom and another!)

When B and I were chatting on the phone about plans for later in the evening, I mentioned that I had to run out and get some poster board for DD before we went out. On his way home from work, he called to see if I'd like him to pick up the poster board (I'd already taken care of it) - I was *very* impressed that he'd picked up on that and offered to do it. I had it covered - and I had no anticipation or expectation that he'd offer - but I was very appreciative of his being that attentive.

I'm pretty independent too - and what I can't do, I have a good network of friends whom I help and who help me - so I don't ask or "need" B to do things - but he's offered to do a few things for me, and it's been very nice of him to do so.

Another thing - ladies - when a gentleman does do something nice - be gracious! Just as Dawn mentioned, don't say, "you shouldn't have." Say, "Thank you!"

According to HNHN, if appreciation typically ranks fairly high in a man's priority list of ENs, then being generous with appreciation and/or admiration is a good way to respond in kind when a gentleman does something nice for you.

B has told me that a little appreciation goes a long way with him, and he's been very smitten with how I've always thanked him for little things he's done.

These sorts of things feed off one another. Funny how simple that is... he does something nice for me - I feel good and it fills my EN. I thank him for whatever he's done, and it fills one of his EN. And so it goes.

For many of us who have come from failed marriages etc., we know what it's like to get into that cycle of not filling each other's EN - it's amazing how easy it can be to fill each other's EN once you realize what they are!

JinGA

JinGa,

Good thought!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

I hope the guys are reading!!!!!

Many of my friends, just don't seem to think or know what those little things are, they are probably doing them and don't know it.

Here at school I encourage the kids to do RAOK, random act of kindness. Once shown some acts they get it and go!!!!

Dawn

While I believe I do a lot of these polite and thoughtful things, I want to thank all you ladies for confirming what I thought was important in filling EN's!

Adam, you're welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Random acts of kindness are great. Everybody loves something unexpectedly kind done for them.

Here's another funny example... last week, I decided to give my new beau a little gift. It was a collectible I'd bought 2 of a while back (before we even met). I'd bought one for myself, and one for "whatever" down the road. The item is a coin that is used in the hobby we share (Geocaching - which is also how we met). Not an expensive thing - but something I knew he'd like and appreciate.

So I went over to his place for a visit, and after a little while I told him I had something for him, and I gave him the coin. He was really pleased and happy to receive it - and it made me feel good to give it to him. Then he said it was funny because he had something for me too - (great minds think alike). He knew I had a business trip coming up and he'd bought me a gift card so I could go and buy myself a "little something something" for my trip!

I was very surprised. It was not expected at all - but I was really touched that he was so thoughtful. The fact that we both had a gift for each other at exactly the same time was even weirder (but a good weird!). We both did something different and unexpected for each other.

We were both gracious about it - each thanking the other, and we both felt great about this little kindness. That's not the sort of thing we'd do every day - but for no particular occasion once in a while.

This gentleman and I really seem to think in much the same way - which is odd to me because I've never met anyone, male or female, that really understood me. The more we talk, the more we seem to be on the same page, and seem to view things from a similar perspective. That's the last thing I ever thought I'd find in a female friend, let alone a man. He's said the same thing - that he's never met anyone who thought about things the same way he does. Too funny... and we're both enjoying getting to know each other.

Having read all that I've read here and in Harley's books, which I initially devoured to try to reconcile my M, I'm finding that all that info is invaluable now that I find myself starting over again, since the R attempt failed.

Keep the ideas coming - I think we can all learn from this thread and Adam's - to help figure out what needs are important to men and women!

JinGA

JinGa,
Great story, I see in the continuing ed book there is a gps class, I may have to take it!!!!!!

Tuesday night my ODGS and I baked cookies, I don't need 6 dozen cookie at my house and I always give out at least half of whatever it is I bake away.

So brought some to school and passed out and I work with a teacher for lunch duty and I gave him a bag, and he said "what?, I said for you, but there were 4 in the bag now there is only 3, Tes got one." She has him 1st hour so I am sure she gets razed today! It just blew him a way that someone did something nice for him. I thought how sad! I try to do something nice each day for someone! Sometimes it's just smiling or saying hi to a student in the hall.

I love the movie "Pass it on" what an impact it has had for me.

Dawn

Paying it forward is always good. God knows I've had people help me through rough times, and if I can't "pay" them back with the same, I try to pay it forward to someone else.

There's a TV commercial running right now - I don't even know what it's for but it's a series of people, each sees the one before him/her, do something random for a stranger, and then they carry on and do something nice for the next person.

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone did that?

It's amazing how a small act of kindness or thoughtfulness goes a long way - whether it be toward a friend, family member, dating partner, spouse - or even a complete stranger.

JinGA

You are so right, what could we have as a society!!!

So I do it for those around me and hope that they take it from there.

Dawn

I bowled tonight, really well too, I might add. The couple I bowl with have been married 15 or 16 years, have 3 kids, and the love that they have for each other is what I want. If they weren't bowling he had his arms around her waist and held her, I guess you had to be there, it was touching, you could just feel the love they had for each other. That's what I want, someone to love me like! that!!!

Dawn

Me too!!!

I was sitting around with some girlfriends this weekend after listening on the radio to lots of beautiful love songs on the radio - Bon Jovi, Nickelback, Journey, etc. and said "I want someone to write a song about his love for me". That or a poem would be the ultimate for me.....

Laura

That would be nice, I am tired of all the heart break misery songs that are my life right now!!!! I am ready for something new, something different!!!!!!Something exciting!!! I want the excitement of a new relationship!!!!!

I feel pretty hurt sometimes when I think of what I had and how x just blew it away!!!

Oh Well, it's Monday and I have to keep my thoughts up or it will be a long week!!!!!!

Dawn

taking notes! just kidding but this stuff is all so basic. you can't tell me that women are this easy to please though. maybe i was just married to a slave driver <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You were married to a slave driver...lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Ashes - maybe you were. I have friends, one in particular, who has been married to her second husband for 7 years now and *every* time I speak with her she's grumbling about H did this, H did that. She never seems to own her own junk - neither is perfect (who is?). I know them both well, and from the outside looking in I can see objectively that they both have amazing qualities, and they both have some baggage that they could both work on - and IMO if they both owned their junk and worked on it, they could be happy as clams. Unfortunately, my friend doesn't own her junk - I don't think he owns his, so they are constantly bickering. Toxic. Having been there, done that I can see it clearly now. I've worked on that part of myself and learned to work on my own issues, not to sweat the small stuff, and deal with things as they arise, with a lot more maturity. I see her going to war over stuff that I wouldn't even bat an eyelash over - and probably wouldn't have even during my M. Yeah there's a few things worth "discussing" but a lot of stuff is so petty it's really not worth the aggravation of a discussion, let alone an argument. But I digress... perhaps you were married to one of those people who just can't let anything slide? I don't know.

I'm into simple things too. The gentleman I'm seeing now is *all* about affection, and I'm soaking it up. I'm very affectionate too, and he's soaking it up. It doesn't have to be sexual (in fact, affection shouldn't always be a means to an end). We'll sit and watch TV and he'll rub my arm, or I'll rub his... just affectionate 'bonding' sort of stuff. My XH was mildly affectionate but in my experience he only got affectionate as a means to get SF. Don't get me wrong - I love SF - but it's not always appropriate to steer it that way, and if a man can't just show a little affection "just because" - then it gets kind of old - irritating in fact. I often felt with XH that if he touched my shoulder or whatever, that was his cue and the moment he got what he wanted, there was no affection left afterward.

I don't get that with B. Affection is just that - affection for its own sake. Similarly, he doesn't read my showing him affection as a cue for something more either. That takes the pressure away, particularly in a new relationship. It's challenging enough to get back into the dating thing after a long term marriage, let alone try and interpret a new person's cues and signals, and decide what we are ready for - or not ready for.

Daybreak - I can relate to what you said too - I still sting sometimes when I think about how XH *could* have put a bit of effort into it to make things right, but he chose not to. I've had to come to terms with that, quit beating my own self up about it - know that I did what I could during the M, and even after the D, to try to work on *my* junk - but it still made no difference in the end. I chose to learn and grow and try to fix things. He didn't. That's OK - I needed to deal with my own stuff, and I did, and I continue to. That's what *I* control, and nothing more.

Now I am moving on with someone who, thusfar, seems to value the same things I do as far as affection and sensitivity and such things goes. I don't feel like I have to pretend I'm someone that I'm not, and I am continually surprised in nice little ways by B's thoughtfulness. None of this stuff costs money, none of it is big or flashy... it's all in little things. Look after the little things and the big things will look after themselves.

I was involved with a man for a while, who could write emails that would make any woman swoon - nothing suggestive or vulgar - just really sweet stuff, seemingly very emotionally intimate - I fell, hook, line and sinker. The catch was, in person he was another person. I sometimes wondered if I was dealing with a Cyrano de Bergerac! How could he be the same guy who wrote such sweet things to me, but in person he was rough around the edges, his manners got lost in translation someplace... needless to say that didn't last. He was a nice enough guy - but it just did not work out for a number of reasons.

In my current relationship, B would rather speak face to face and he loves conversation - I'm not used to that but I'm finding out that it's great! Our emails to each other are short and not over-the-top - they are 'just right'. A short note to say have a good day and I'll see you later, or something like that goes a long way with me.

B is also an initiator. In my M I was always the planner, organizer, the doer. Even if XH came up with the idea for an activity, somehow it always fell on me to make it happen. I was in charge of all the finances, all the organization - he did his part but always *waited* for direction from me - and we had many discussions which led to arguments because I felt put-upon to always be responsible for everything.

B can plan an activity and follow through on it. He doesn't do stuff without making sure I'm agreeable to it - but if he comes up with an idea for something to do, he's got it in his mind down to the last detail - *then* he'll approach me and suggest it, and if I agree to it, it's all set. He's organized and independent and that's a nice change for me. It's not like he suggests a cookout at the park, and then expects me to go out and buy the food and he just shows up with the grill - nope, when he suggested this particular activity, when we agreed to the time and day, he bought the food, brought the gear - all I had to bring was myself and the children! Of course we helped him set it up and clean up afterward - but he had all the details covered. That's *so* nice. I was very impressed - and really the whole thing took only a bit of effort. Again - it's in the small things.

Ashes - I really do think that many (most) women really are that easy to please. Speaking for myself, I consider myself "low maintenance" - I'm not into "stuff" - for me nothing in a relationship is about money, wealth, gifts... at least not in the sense that people put a dollar value on things. I know women who place more importance on the value of their engagement ring, than they do on the man they are marrying and that sort of thing just makes me shake my head. I'd still like to believe that women like that are in the minority - but they surely are out there.

To me, B's taking the initiative to make a nice picnic for us in the park, was worth more than if he'd bought me a lavish gift - because his gift was his time and thoughtfulness and that has far more value than if he'd called a caterer... see what I mean?

I suppose I'm rambling now (who me?)... but IMO the women that do focus on "stuff" more than the stuff of the relationship they are in, have issues that they need to be dealing with. Hopefully I don't offend anyone with that comment - it's just been my observation. When we focus on each other and each other's needs, *that* is when the stuff of a good relationship is formed.

JMHO

JinGA

On may to work this morning I had the time to stop at the Convenience store to get a Chai Tea and I was thinking wouldn't it be nice if BG or someone were to meet me there as we live on opposite sides of town and the store is someplace we would both have to go by to get to our jobs, just kind of a nice suprise good way to have started a Monday, but didn't happen.

But guys that is how easy it can be!!!! I wouldn't even expect the tab to be picked up!!!!

So guys are reading? Let see a show of hands!!! Is this useful to you? Again a show of hands or perhaps a reply would be easier for us to see!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dawn

after further review, maybe it's not the slave driver concept i threw out here but just the matter that other emotional needs may make a lot bigger deposits than these. and perhaps since i like a lot of these ideas here like txts and little gifts, they are easier for me to give. i do know what you mean about letting go. we both had problems with that at times. i definately had my junk, somehow this whole process has made me a lot more freer of it now. i somehow think my next relationship (let alone marriage) is going to be a lot different than my marriage (my only relationship since i married my high school girlfriend) was.

Ashes there's a lot of truth in what you say. Your post there just spoke to me too. I too, married young - I met XH when I was 17, we were living together before my 18th b'day (I had just moved out on my own when we met), and spent the next 20 years with him.

I'm 40 now - things are much different. I'm much different. There's a world of difference.

They say life begins at 40 - I'm starting to believe it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Keep going ladies, I have been keeping notes. Great stuff!

I second that! I'll tell you - I don't think I've ever had a "healthy" relationship, and certainly not a healthy marriage, but now that I'm divorced, and 45 years old, I find that I'm experiencing the most fulfilling relationships I ever have - with friends, family, and this over 2 year relationship with BF. After the trauma of divorce, I've learned soooo much - and I know can confidently know what I need and I want.......and I'm not afraid to ask for it!

Laura

Laura - that's the crux of it isn't it? Knowing ourselves first... knowing what *we* want, what *we* need, and being OK with that and being able to express that to somebody who's actually interested in filling those needs - that's what it's about.

I too have learned a lot about myself, what makes me tick, and who I am. I've rediscovered things about myself that I'd put aside, forgotten, for the sake of being a wife, mother, caretaker and all things to all others. I'm still a mother first, my kids come before all others - BUT I've also figured out that Mom needs some 'me time' to be a better mom...we tend to overlook that. Being happy within ourselves *first* makes us better people. Better parents, better partners. It's so freaking simple - yet for many of us it takes a catastrophe (or two) to figure that out.

B continues to awe me. Yesterday he finished up early so he came by my shop and helped me out. He didn't have to - he could have gone home and done whatever he pleased for the remainder of the day. He could have chosen to just hang out at my shop and relaxed (there's a big comfy couch in front of a huge aquarium where people like to just chill)... but he asked me what he could do to help. I told him he didn't *have* to do anything but he told me he *wanted* to... (THAT is very attractive!) so we started a task together, then I got busy with customers and he finished the task on his own. I was so grateful.

Ladies - it's important to tell your significant other that you *appreciate* when he does something for you, no matter how small. I'd like to think I've always been appreciative, but XH always told me I never appreciated anything...I always told him thank you - perhaps I wasn't telling/showing him in a way that he understood to mean appreciation so knowing what your man understands as appreciation is important too.

The first time or two that B did something nice for me, and I thanked him for it, I could see in his eyes that he felt 'rewarded' for his effort. He even told me that a little appreciation goes a long way with him, and "typically" in a relationship he felt unappreciated. He said that he'd pretty much do anything for anyone (lol within reason!) if they appreciated it... and I'm just the same. Appreciation is important to me too - so I've always tried to show gratitude for a kindness. I guess I never understood why XH felt unappreciated - because it is important to me too to be appreciated so I've always felt that I show it... dunno I probably will never figure that one out and it may have little to do with the eventual outcome of things... but I'm digressing again...

I also agree that other relationships are more mature and fulfilling now. I've had an amazing network of friends and family through the last 8 years or so - through the bad times, the separation and divorce - amazing people in my life who have lifted me up when I was down - and I've been there for them too during troubled times. Much different from some of the toxic friendships I had in my teens and 20s... I started getting wise in my 30s. I tend to let toxic things go a lot more quickly, and be OK with doing so, and I tend to appreciate the good stuff a lot more.

Trying to steer back toward the topic... a man who knows who he is, what he wants and needs, and is able to impart that, is also very attractive. It shows confidence, maturity... ability to just talk about feelings and things - BIG plus!

JinGA

Jin,
Does B have any brother? Could you clone him for us? What type of shop do you have?

I did one of those RAOK today, for a co-worker, there is a teacher that I do lunch duty with and I had made hamburger loaves last night and brought some to share today, so brought him two pieces and he thanked me but was like couldn't believe that anyone could do something nice for someone else. He offered to buy me a cookie I said not today next week one day!!! It blew him away that someone thought of him!!!!

Kind of fun to do that to someone!!!!

I also told BG that I loved him, so will see where that goes!!!! He wasn't suppose to be able to help with the kids for bowling tomorrow and we deal the 2nd shift with 2-5 yo so it's tough with just one of us and he emailed me to see he would be there!!! So I emailed back I love you you!!!!


Have a great weekend all!!!!

Dawn

LOL I think I got the good one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He's got one brother a few years younger but sadly he is estranged from the family right now. B has tried to coax his brother back into the family, but the brother isn't receptive. Not sure why, but the brother won't speak to his mother or anyone. Sad.

He's also got 2 half-brothers, his parents were divorced and his late father remarried. Sorry ladies, those boys are just 13 and 18 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I get the impression that B has been a father figure to them, particularly since their father passed a few years ago.

My XH and I co-own an aquarium store - reef tanks are our specialty. I own the majority and work the place full-time. XH has a 'real job' in IT and he helps out a bit during the week in the evening and most weekends. I'll never get rich at this but it's a job I am extremely passionate about. In fact, today a 'celebrity' friend of mine (celebrity in coral-geek circles, I've been reading his work for over 20 years) came by as he was in town and we went to lunch together. We caught up on personal stuff (we last saw each other in April) and the latest 'industry' stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nice job on doing something nice - just because. Feels great doesn't it? And you made somebody's day to boot! It doesn't get any better than that!

Yep - a good weekend indeed. Our HS team had a blowout victory tonight, I had a stellar sales day, in spite of being closed for an hour to go to lunch with my friend (I rarely ever do that...) but I still did double a "good" days' sales - wish I could do that every day, I might actually eek out a living!

Life is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

I am bumping this up as many of you had awesome ideas to do something nice for someone that doesn't cost you much $$$ and with the holiday's coming up it's always fun to do for others without spending lots of $$$$.

Merry Christmas to all!!!! I look forward to seeing what people have to add here!!!

Dawn

I've been sick for the past week, so my GF has made sure my clothes are laid out in the bathroom for me in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work at 5:00am.

My wife NEVER took care of me when I was sick.

Heck, I had to drag myself around crippled for weeks after I got home with the gunshot wound. She wouldn't even feed me and I lost 25lbs.

heree I go this may become a tangent.......

I want men to realize.....

not to promise the world unless they can deliever.

don't put forth the effort to get me to trust and love you and then leave me.

If you feel you need to break up do it in person.

If you feel you need to break it off...be truthful and give an explanation.

If you feel you need to break up be prepaired and willing to field my questions as you can't give me answers until i aske the question.

If I say I love you.....don't think I don't mean it.

If you say you love me....mean it.

Remember what brought us together and how special it was then and that it still is.

If you creat a space in my heart when your gone a hole and scar will always be there....and part of me will always love you. There is only so much a heart can take.

that everytime you hurt a woman it makes it harder for the next guy....

I say this and I am still in pain......I still love my exbf.....he's on my mind everyday....I have tried many things to get him out of my mind including dating someone else.....unfortunatly....the whole evening....i was with my exbf not the guy who asked me out....there are still so many triggers and memories here......it feels endless.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

i want the judge to be nice to me for christmas

:P

as to the bowling couple daybreak described... who doesn't want to feel THAT loved aside from a freak

Christmas Gift ideas that are nice thoughts without alot of $$$ spent, were the gesture of being remembered is more important then the $$$ spent, thoughts.....

A gift certificate for their favorite coffee stop.

I would like someone to go shopping with me and carry my bags.

Take someones favorite dessert to them.(I love tiramusia from this one place)Someone could own my if they brought me a piece of that!!!

2 small stockings, with written "naughty" on one and "nice" on the other. Naughty has a lump of coal and the nice is filled with chocolate kisses. Leave a note saying "which are you?"

Ok what have you got to add to the list?

Dawn

It's been a while since I posted to this thread... B and I have been dating just over 3 months now - and he *continues* to pay attention to the little things. As do I.

I'm going home to visit Mom for the first time in 8 years since I moved here - leaving on Friday and B has agreed to take me to/from the airport and look after my pets (I looked after his when he was out of town in October)...

The other night he gave me one of my Christmas presents early - a collectible Geocoin (OK if you're a geocacher you'd appreciate a geocoin - if you aren't a geocacher, you wouldn't understand!)... from the province where I was born. I thought that was soooooooo sweet! Probably cost him $10... but the thought behind it was so much more than that.

He pays attention to details and things I've talked about and he picks up on things that are important to me, that I might not have even realized. That's why it has so much meaning.

We went on a 4+ mile hike on Sunday (my body still hurts!) to find some geocaches. I love to hike, and I've been working up to an expedition like that... but it was a bit more than I was ready for - no problem, I kept going with a few momentary rest stops. I felt a bit "wimpy" for needing to stop partway up the mountain a few times, but he was very accommodating (he could have sprinted up both mountains!).

When we were done, he smiled wide and told me he was very proud of me! Oh my gosh - nobody has told me that since I can remember. He was very impressed. I didn't think it was all that - I knew where I was going before we set out, and I didn't complain - heck I LOVED it - my body wasn't as willing a participant (I'm very sore today!)... but I didn't do it for him per se... I did it for ME. I need to get into better shape (work in progress... I'm in better shape than I *was*)... I wanted to push myself a bit harder and be able to say I did it, and feel that sense of accomplishment for *me*. The fact that I had the company of the man I love in this "personal" accomplishment was icing on the cake.

I jokingly asked if this had been a "test" and he jokingly said yes. He did say that nobody he's ever dated before, would have even attempted that. I said I thought he seemed to be the sort to only date "outdoorsy" women - and he confirmed that but he said that some womens' ideas of "outdoorsy" was sitting by the lake, drinking beer LOL! So I asked, jokingly, "There's beer?!"... he said that if any of his other girlfriends had even attempted the climb, they'd have grumbled and moaned all the while.

I kept joking on the way back down the trail, "Are we there yet?" but I was certainly not complaining - and he knew that, and chuckled with me. Our friend whom we'd run into along the trail kept calling out the remaining distance that his GPS told him was left to get to the car, and I'd groan... again - jokingly. I really thoroughly enjoyed the hike, and I'd do it again (as soon as the pain subsides!).

This little activity didn't cost us a dime - except the gas to get there and back (and it was 15 minutes from home)... but I feel like we connected on yet another level - he understands and appreciates that I really and truly enjoy sharing such activities with him - not just because he's doing it - but because *I* did it for me also, and I sensed that he found that attractive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The fact that he appreciated my company, and recognized that I'd pushed myself to a new level added some satisfaction to the personal accomplishment that I felt.

It doesn't get much better than that.

The next day I ordered us a pair of telescopic hiking sticks for Christmas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've finally learned that surrounding oneself with people who bring you UP is infinitely better than even one person who brings you down. And I think that B and I bring each other UP. We encourage each other, we appreciate each other and take notice of the small things and acknowledge them.

There's no cost for something like that. It's FREE.

I finally feel that after 40 years, I've learned what a healthy relationship is like.

There are plenty of other examples I could cite too... but I think I've gushed enough for one post!

JinGA

Pariah... what your GF has done while you're under the weather is what any partner *should* do...

What is a relationship if one can't help the other when they're down?

Been there - done that, and I have to admit that after a point, I didn't do all that I could for XH... I did in the beginning but when it didn't come back around I lost my incentive to do for him. When I was sick, nothing changed. When he was sick, the world came to a screeching halt (for him). That gets old fast.

Since your GF took such loving care of you while you were sick (and hope you're better now, BTW!)... I think you would respond in kind if she were laid up - yes? Give and take... that's how it works.

I had a cold a while back and B spoiled me a bit - he had a cold a couple of weeks ago and I spoiled him a bit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We've both told each other how much we appreciate being taken care of.

Again - it's all in the little things and those things don't cost a dime.

JinGA

Every time Tab cooks for me I tell her that she's outdone herself. No matter what it is.

I asked her if she is getting tired of hearing it.

Of course she said no!

Nope - we wimmin' never get tired of hearing it. Appreciation, I think, is just as important to women as it is to men.

Yesterday, B called off sick, he was experiencing problems with some dental work he'd had done. He phoned me mid-morning to vent about his sleepless night and discomfort and dissatisfaction with the dentist. He didn't take it out on me - I sensed he just wanted me to listen and empathize - which I did.

I did feel a bit powerless to "do" anything to fix things - after all there's not much I can do in that situation but I did listen and offer "verbal comfort".

He got in to see the dentist yesterday afternoon and after doing some online research, he learned that what he's experiencing isn't uncommon... which comforted him a bit - but he was miserable and in pain. Hopefully the dentist resolved the problem - time will tell... but he stopped by the shop on his way home from the dentist. He looked tired, stressed... all I could really do was hug him and comfort him - again I felt rather useless to actually "help".

Before he left, he gave me a hug and thanked me for all that I'd done. Other than listen and empathize, I really didn't do anything - but his words comforted *me*. When he's hurting, I hurt too.

Hopefully he got a good night of sleep, I guess I'll know later when I hear from him. Poor guy - wish I could have made the pain go away...

Point being - even though I couldn't actually do much to solve his problem, he appreciated the comfort that I offered, and that in turn made me feel better. He said that my attempt at comforting him worked too.

It's all in the little things... and appreciation of any effort goes a long way for both partners.

B often stops by in his off hours and helps me out around the shop. I always thank him and that always brings a smile to his face. The fact that he pitches in unsolicited brings a smile to my face and a moral "lift". He doesn't have to do these things, I don't ask or expect them, but I'm very grateful when he does. I don't like to ask for things - but I had no problem in doing so when I was planning my somewhat impromptu trip back home later this week... I've asked him to shuttle me to/from the airport and look after my pets and he happily agreed. When he went away a couple of months ago, I offered to look after his dog so he wouldn't have to spend money to have her boarded at a kennel, and he graciously accepted.

For me, (and for him I think) it's so refreshing to be in a relationship where both people give as well as take. I think we've both been involved with takers in the past, where the other person kept taking and taking and didn't wish to give back. It's nice to see things go both ways for a change and I think given our past experiences, we appreciate each other's giver that much more because it's somewhat "new" to us.

For me, I give of myself because I *want* to, not out of a sense of obligation or whatever, and I used to give because I felt I had to in my M. It's much more fun to want to - and even though there's no expectation of it coming back - it does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Life is good.

JinGA

Pariah,
Just be careful handing out the meal compliments!!! Make sure they are meaningful and you point out one thing that was execptional or that you really liked.

My parents have been married for 46 years and my mom has always cooked, supper was and is at 5 pm. I've heard my dad for all of those years say "good meal Jan" it's his way of excusing himself from the table, if he doesn't say it, he will hear, "what the food wasn't good?"

Don't let your compliments get to be routine, say with meaning!!!

And yes we women want to be appreciated for all that we do!!!! If someone does something or says something kind to or for me I thank them. I hate it when I do for others and I hear nothing, to me it's kind of like "well it's only Dawn and that is what she does." I've really struggled with this the last few weeks.

Dawn