Ok so I have been divorced for five years and I have not dated all that much - One I am afraid of rejection - blah blah - anyways I guess I always have used my kids as my excuse because well - they were younger - but anyways now they are 14 and 17 - and well it is time to date... here goes - I went out with this guy like two years ago - for one date - and then I had just started working a parttime job and I was really busy and he was like well you never have time for me - he was very spur of the moment and me with two kids and alot of activities plus two jobs - well a planner - Anyways we never went out again but we did stay in email contact - Then two weeks ago - we went out to dinner - and well everything seemed to go nice - he was a nice a guy and actually I was excited about maybe going out again.... Now what happened... That was a Thursday - then on Saturday night I went out with some friends and ended up leaving my cell phone in my car - and I didn't get it until 6:30 that Sunday evening - and he had called me twice - he wanted to go to the movies - so I called him back and of course his phone was off (which I gotta tell you makes me suspicious - supposedly he leaves it in his truck overnight) - Anyways he called me Monday and was like what happened to you yesterday I told him the story - so he was like well do you want to go out this week I said sure - he said I will call you closer to Thursday the day we agreed upon going out - Well yup you guessed it - I got nothing..... I did send him an email Tuesday morning after we talked on Monday but I got nothing all week... So Sunday night finally I sent him an email and was like what is up - ? I thought we were going out..... So Monday he sends me back an email - and says - well you don't have any time for me - and I need someone who has time for me.... ??? I was like huh?? And quite angry - anyways he sends me back and email and says - I definitely like you but you have no time and while we had fun when we went out to dinner - the next time we talked it went all cold - UMMMMM Hello - we talked we laughed and I emailed.. then he was gonna call me.... So um what was so cold about that.... So now the first time I semi put myself out there - I get this crap... I am thinking there is something to my not dating thing........ Any ideas?

Well, you have your answer - he wants someone who can always and instantly be there for him when he has time for them - doesn't sound like you fit the bill. Time to move on, and not get sucked into the drama <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I am not sucked into any drama... but ****** I was willing to give time - but he never gave me the chance - what is the timeline on dating... lets say the getting to know each other period - do you go out once or twice a week - get to know each other on the phone first?? I need some advice???

AGG was quick here. I know I can't fit much more into my life now, which is why I don't date. Many NMNK's don't get how busy parents are.

So AGG, if she is still interested, should she drop him a voicemail saying "I'm sorry I missed you, but I'd really like to get to know you better."
Or is it too late?

Well, I am just going by what she posted. The guy told her more than once that he wants someone who has more time, can go out spontaneously, etc etc. She cannot do that, which I totally understand, being a parent myself.

So, no problem - she should look for someone else. I don't see much point in trying to get to know him better, after being blown off twice already.

And I don't understand this comment: "so I called him back and of course his phone was off (which I gotta tell you makes me suspicious - supposedly he leaves it in his truck overnight". Why the sarcastic "of course", especially when she seems to be guilty of the same: "I went out with some friends and ended up leaving my cell phone in my car - and I didn't get it until 6:30 that Sunday evening". I dunno, sounds like drama to me.

AGG

Doesn't sound like a good match, IMO. The fact that you are unsure yourself, probably answers your own question.

I am dating a man who is NMNK and he's perfectly fine in the knowledge that my kids and my business obligations come first (in that order). I work about 70 hours a week - so I was afraid that dating might be difficult, but my BF has no problems with it.

He understands that I'm busy with my kids' activities too - and he even joins me on them (my kids are teenagers too) - he's even volunteered in the concession stand so I can help 'pay' for my DD's band scholarship.

I think you should be fine dating - you just need to find a more suitable companion.

JMHO

JinGA

OK well I thought since you were all trying to help me I would give you an update as to what happened..... He called me Friday afternoon and asked me out I said ummm what are you nuts.... Anyways he kept asking and I said well call me later I will think on it - that was Friday I said i would be home friday night at 9pm you guessed it he didn't call - so I said to myself this is way to much drama for me.... so he comes into my work and will not leave until I say that I will go out with him - I said fine call me later so he would leave -- then I decided that this was to much for me - oh but the reason that he blew me off he was to busy - OK ??? So I am now thinking I need someone different... this little episode is something that I definitely do not want....

Maw --

He sounds unpredictable, flighty, and there are plenty of red flags.

Don't add any more to the drama -- just say no and move on.

This is not a good START, why would you even consider anything further?

I really didn't consider anything further just everyone was egging me on cuz I haven't really dated - and well I thought well at least someone likes me - you know that type of stuff... like the total lack of any kind of self confidence....but I emailed him this morning and told him nicely that maybe he was a nice guy just not the guy for me and I wished him well... So now hopefully it is overwith and I can bring myself to get back out in the dating world.....

Raise the bar Maw.

This dating thing is all trial and error, but if someone is treating you this strangely so early on....what can you expect later?

Its not at all unreasonable to expect that he would make plans with you in advance. And if he's incapable of that, then you definitely have a disconnect that would do nothing but irritate and frustrate you. Why put up with that?

I didn't really agree with your cell-phone stuff. It was OK for you to have a reason not to answer yours, but not OK for him. Kinda hypocritical to me, but maybe it was a trigger for you...??

Anyways -- you learned that its important to you that someone be definite and concrete about plans. Live and learn, right?!

Well it's one thing that "somebody" is interested but that doesn't mean it's a match.

The nice little man who owns the convenience store told me one day in his broken English... "I would like to have food with you." Took me a minute to realize what he was asking me... he went on, "Lunch, dinner, with you?"

Mr. Convenience store is MARRIED... my landlord told me that when I laughed and told him about the date invite.

Not to mention that I don't think we're even close to being in the same age bracket. And I'm sure he's nice and smart and all that but his English consists of monosyllables and I don't speak his mother tongue - so NO...

Any interest isn't necessarily good interest - know what I mean?

That's OK, Maw - there's a better one out there and when you're ready, you'll find him - or he'll find you. I was told that when you least expect it, that's when it happens. That held true for me... perhaps it will for you too.

JinGA

Lexxy - the whole cell phone thing is a huge trigger - my ex would leave his cell phone in the car because he didn't want me to look at it.. this man shuts off his cell phone - every night when he goes home - to me that is a trigger - and you are right - I guess I was being hypocritical but I just thought it was weird... maybe not but that is right where my instinct went....
JinGA - I like that any interest isn't necessarily a good interest... I just really and truly am clueless to this whole dating thing.. I guess I should just stop being so darn nervous and go out and enjoy myself.... but I think I did the right thing in this case cuz there was so much frustration and miscommunication before even date #2 - way to much drama for me.....

I have a friend who only has a car charger, not a house charger, so she regularly leaves the cell phone in the car. That's usually after she's spoken to her BF. Then she seldom answers her home phone.

Not that it matters but he didn't have a home phone supposedly - whatever it doesnt matter... I will deal with my insecurities along the way.... I guess...

Maw --
At least you understand where this sensitivity comes from.

But now you have the challenge of not painting everyone with the same brush. You saw for yourself that it is entirely possible and innocent to not have your phone and miss a few calls. So you really can't jump to those instant conclusions and start acting suspicious.

Its not fair for the new guy to have to pay for the sins of the old guy. Ya know?

Yes but I am afraid that whether I like it or not - if everything is not in complete black and white I am going to end up with my mind wandering to stupid conclusions but maybe if I am aware of it.... I can be more careful.... you know?cuz you are right... it is not fair and it isn't fair to me either.....

The thing is I think he got burned once by you already when you did not have time for him earlier. First impressions are hard to change. Now it seemes to him that you burned him again, so he was immature and burned you back, just to let you know how it felt to be stood up.

Doesn't feel good does it? Even if it is for a legitimate reason, it still sucks.

OTOH, that is why I don't date women with kids. I like reliability and sponteneity in a relationship. To be were you say you will be, to not be tied down for weeks on end with stuff, to be able to say yes to a suprise weekend getaway to the Carribean. ******, that's half the fun of dating someone right there.

Single moms just can't give me that. So, he needs to smarten up and find someone who can give him what he needs, and you need to find someone who is more laid back, and accepting of your limited time and lack of spontenaity.

There are men out there for ya hun, just be patient.

Tibolt - actually the funny thing is that he is a dad to an 11 year old and well he doesn't have set hours with her - so it was either when he was free I needed to be or he was busy..... which was ok.... Just total miscommunication on the whole thing but the most important thing is that I cannot be free at the drop of the hat I have responsibilities and well I am ok with that - I just need to find someone else who is in agreement with that also but frankly I don't think it should be an issue with a second date you know???

Maw, I'm not a fountain of experience in the dating world either. I've had one relationship since my divorce - that was a major disaster (and I knew it while it was happening - duh), and I'm currently in a new relationship that seems to have started off on the right foot. Before that I was with my now XH since I was 17... so for me it's as if I've stepped back to my teenage years as far as that goes!

What I'm learning now - in what I believe to be the first *healthy* relationship I've had in my life (can't consider teenage dating that seriously), is that it shouldn't be that much *work*. If it comes naturally and easily, and you *want* to do the things it takes to nurture a relationship - it's fun and it's easy. When there's drama, stress, insecurity and all that other crap - it's not working.

Took me til I was 40 to figure that one out...

If you spot a red flag, listen to your gut and get out of dodge. I'm not suggesting not accepting somebody as they are - of course you need to be able to do that in order to have a good relationship - but if their actions, or lack thereof, don't leave you with a warm fuzzy - such as this one has - then it's not worth putting time and effort into any further.

Take your time - don't try too hard... you'll find the right person - or they will find you - when you least expect it!

JinGA

Yeah, that seems pretty selfish of him. But I guess you just don't know the whole story, and he probably did not either. Miscommunication can create drama and uncesessary complications. I should know, I suffered from them recently.

take it from me and all of the drama i dealt with dear, MOVE ON! i am not getting good vibes about this "you don't have time for me nonsense" when i read it i was like "what the h*ll, you have only had one date" sounds a little controlling and manipulative to me. sounds like he is playing games as well. then he tells you he didn't call, basically, why bother setting up a date because you don't have time, then he a few days later he calls for a date? i recognize that pattern, break it now.

this guy will be too much drama.

as far as triggers, that is a tough one. i give every one a clean slate until they prove me otherwise. exbf would get a lot of calls on his cell it seemed to me. it would bother me when he would take the calls into the other room. big trigger. i would never ask who it was, but he would usually tell me "oh, that was so and so they said hi" (now that is assuming he was telling me the truth). it was also a trigger for me when his phone was only on vibrate. that made me think he did not want me to know when incoming calls were coming in. or on silent. i knew it was on both of those because he would check his phone frequently to see if he had any calls or texts.

i think your radar will usually be right. mine always was in this last relationship. every time i thought something was up with exbf, i was right on the money. and don't lie to me because i can smell it a mile away. you would think men who know you were cheated on for 4 years would know you had pretty sharp radar and not even try to pull one over on you, but they still try.

you'll get better at this i am sure maw. exbf was my first serious relationship as well (and i waited quite some time before i allowed a serious one in) and it didn't work out. i honestly think it will take a few errors to find the right fit.

good luck
mlhb

Well said, mlhb! Funny how we can decide to ignore red flags at times, isn't it? I know I did. I did in my M and in the R I had following my M.

No more. In my current R I have had no red flags yet... but if I do, I will heed my instinct. I've told B that. I've also asked that if he senses any red flags from me - to let me know, as I'll let him know. No sense in turfing him if I sense something without checking it out first... but he and I have both been hurt before, we've both ignored red flags before and we've both agreed not to ignore any this time.

As I said - I've seen no red flags this time around and I'm happy as a clam and taking things one day at a time.

Maw has pointed out some major red flags already - before things even got started. That would be enough for me to put on the brakes. We all have enough drama in our lives, don't need to add any more.

JinGA