It has really hit me hard recently, how like death a divorce can be.

I am involved in a suicide loss support group that I attend while the children are in age-appropriate parent loss groups.

All these different steps or levels of grief the women are going through over the loss of their husbands, significant issues of betrayal and learning to do things on their own, I went through years ago.

Abuse of one type or another is a recurring theme. Most were troubled with drug or alcohol addiction, or both; some were verbally or physically abusive, or both. Some of the women were separated or divorced before the death, others report not knowing anything was wrong. Only one other is remarried.

I feel so out of place there. I feel like I've already grieved my ex's "passing" and I had made so many advances in forgiving and moving on ... dealing with the fallout from this, is bringing back some of the horrible truths that I have blocked for so long.

I feel obligated to put aside my memories of abuse for the kids' sake. I don't think it is fair to them, to have what happened to me tarnish their memory of their dad. But alone, I am so depressed and angry. I think some part of me wanted him to say he was sorry for what he did to me. That he was wrong.

I am heartbroken for my kids, who deserved so much more from their father than this end. I am infuriated with him for leaving me alone to deal with what comes next.

My husband has been a lifeline, stepping up where and when he can, but it is so hard for him too ... and he doesn't know but a fraction of what happened during my first marriage. Now I've been overwhelmed with these old "ghosts" and crippled with depression, and he is so worried.

I don't want to see family for the holidays because I'm embarrassed by how unable to cope I've become, don't want to pretend nothing's wrong and don't want to talk about it either. I just want to sleep, and not cry, and not be plagued with these demons of years left behind.

Oh my gosh, Princess... I haven't been here for a while and, if I'm reading this correctly, your XH committed suicide, is that true? I'm so sorry! I lost my step-son to suicide 3 years ago ~ hard to believe it's been that long ~ and his dad, my XH is like the walking dead and I worry about him choosing the same route. I would hate to have all those memories revived (lies, abuse, addiction, infidelities...) so I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you must be feeling!

I tried a suicide support group for parents who'd lost a child. It was way too depressing as many had already experienced years of grieving and didn't seem to be getting past it. I did better with attending a grief recovery workshop (www.Grief-Recovery.com) and IC.

Take care...

Imagine what a lifeline your husband could be if you actually shared the whole story with him. No reason you should have to deal with these ghosts by yourself. I'll be your husband WANTS to help you with them...if you'll let him.

Keeping yourself and your story to yourself has obviously not worked for you. Perhaps it's time to get it all out there (and not protect your spouse or your children from the truth).

The truth shall set you free...

I left when I did in hopes that the kids would NOT remember. They were 5 and 2 at the end.

Up until his death, I could not tell my husband about what my ex had done, for his own safety. I had at least three people willing to make my ex disappear, and they didn't know the half of it either.

I have been picked up off of the floor by my hair, and worse. I don't think my kids (now 12 and 9) need to hear that. He has betrayed them enough by leaving them.

ExP, it sounds like you are having normal reactions to your ex's suicide. It has brought up stuff you'd hoped not to have to deal with, and left you to explain to your kids what happened. Anger and depression are natural under the circumstances, despite feeling that you've grieved already.

I think you are dealing with three seperate issues, though. The first is your own personal feelings about what has happened in the past, and how you are dealing with those feelings now. The second is whether or not your kids should know how you were abused by your ex. You can choose to deal with the first without telling your kids the details of the abuse. The third is how much to tell your husband and/or others about what happened.

Is there anyone you can talk to about the depth of your feelings? It sounds like you really need to exorcise these 'ghosts'. Also, I'd encourage you to talk to an IC or someone about your depression and anger. The kids don't need to know the details - all you have to say is that you are having trouble coping and need to talk to a professional about it.

The thing is,ExP, these are your feelings, and you're entitled to them. You have suffered so much over the years, and while you want to shelter the kids as much as possible from the worst aspects of their father, you don't need to deny your own feelings in order to do so.

Big hugs..

LSNE
(Long time lurker, sometimes-poster.)

hi princess....

i believe the people around you love you and want to support you. with all due respect, the last thing people would seem to me to want would be for you to feel guilty about grieving and re-grieving.

please don't add "guilt" (which I believe is false) about feeling the way you feel... to your sufferings.

How can a person work through their feelings when guilt is laid all over them for just having feelings?

I know you want to be there for others during the holidays and at all times.

One way to do that... is to reform "connections" i personally believe depression kinda "chokes"... is to allow people to be there for you.

it's okay.

please let people "be there for you"... and let them grieve with those who grieve and mourn with those who mourn.

Maybe it was "too much" to "take on" grieving and mourning with the others who also experienced pain and suffering at the group.

We all have our own limits of inner strength. Please be blessed in the Lord to know that God will place in your life those who will bear your burdens with you.

Please do not choose to isolate yourself emotionally because you feel guilty for being a "drain".

Have something nice to say to others and about others during the times you are with those you love. Tell them how much you love, value, and appreciate them.

Though you are suffering... these things are still true... and are what they need, perhaps, to stay emotionally connected to you: your permission... please take the hands of all those who offer their hands to you in love.

It's the hand of God extended. Please receive it in Jesus' name.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,

"back"

I'll second this. Your husband loves you and wants to be the person you turn to. You're doing him a disservice by not letting him know everything.

As well, your family is your family for a reason - no guilt, no shame, no judgment. Let them help you, too.

And I would advise personal counseling, not the group you're at that obviously isn't helping and may in fact be hurting. Just living with an abuser alone is reason to find a good counselor, to find out how you ended up in that place.

XPB,
People grieve at different times. Some grieve the loss of the marriage while in the marriage contemplating divorce.
I was in such denial that I didn't know my marriage was over until my X left, and then I was left to grieve.
You have already grieved your X.

Sitting with others who are still in the shock stage must be hard, as you are past many of those feelings. However, I understand that you are attending these sessions while your children are attending sessions to help them through this.
So, you have 3 choices, suck it up and continue to attend (to encourage them to attend their classes), drop them off and hang out outside, or share with the group what has helped you through the shock. They don't have to know it was not just yesterday but years ago. The grieving/healing steps are the same, just on a different time frame.

May God's blessings be upon you and your family, especially at this time of year.

I will continue to bring the kids to their groups, but I don't think I want to do the adult group anymore. It makes me sad that there is a new group member just about every other week. Some of the more recent members are not widows or ex's but parents ... and their grief is so different, and strong. I guess I feel uneasy about how little I openly grieve ... I have moments, but for the most part, I grieved through most of my marriage and then some at the end. I don't feel like I have a lot to add, and it depresses me that suicide affects so many families.

I already told them I plan to continue taking them until at least after the anniversary of his death, and they are fine with that. When we started, we had only discussed going until after the holidays, to help get through them. Now we are vested through fall, at minimum. I can bring a book and wait in the library. I have a lot of anger at the family of the deceased, which doesn't seem fair to vent in front of grieving parents.

Oh yeah, I've gotten pharmaceutical assistance in dealing with my depression and mood swings ... it helps. The kids are doing good in school and are involved in lots of extracurriculars. We don't have a lot of time to sit and mope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />