Marriage Builders®
My rebound relationship ended. It doesn't matter why. As a matter of fact, he was a complete gentleman and I can't fault or blame him in any way. It was doomed from the start. I am devastated, though I shouldn't be. We weren't together that long and I have no history with this guy. But the pain of the loss of my M is still there and this just reopenned all the wounds. I should be thankful for those few months when I didn't feel so utterly alone, when I felt worthwhile and when I felt needed by someone. I'm back to all the old fears. Loneliness topping the list. 3 days before Christmas to boot.

Let this not be in vain. Here were my mistakes:

1. I got involved way too soon. I didn't mean to get involved so soon. Neither did he, really. Circumstances as they were drove him to pursue me a little sooner than I was likely to be ready. OK fine. First date was not a problem. The following weekend, we had a second date Sat night. Also fine. He had promised his DD he would take her to Marineland the next day. At some point during this wonderful evening, he asked me to go. *****THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE****** I agreed. There was no need for me to go - it was supposed to be a time between him and DD. It was easy for him to bring me - I already knew DD since birth so there was no problem in introducing someone new to her. But there was no need for me to go. The whole day promised, and turned out to be, for DD - kiddie rides etc. I never, ever would have gone, except that I was so lonely at the time and the prospect of having a Sunday filled up (on a long weekend to boot) overcame my better judgement.

To summarize, don't accept anything extra. Even if the date is great, just take it home and savour it. Leave it until the next weekend, despite your crappy prospects for the next day.

2. It seemed as though after Marineland, we spent every available moment together. It was some time before we had sex - I thought that would be sufficient as far as "taking it slow". But Relationships aren't about sex. We held off on sex, but went full speed ahead on everything else. It was an illusion that I should have seen. I mean, I probably spent 10 nights at this man's house, in his bed, thinking that it was all ok because we weren't having sex.

3. Declaration of love - of course we eventually made ours. By this time, we were having sex. It was great sex - we were both lonely, needing someone, anyone, for companionship. It sure felt like love. As I write this I have a hard time believing that what I felt was any less than love. But lonelinesss was a huge underlying factor - that and the physical intimacy that we shared that seemed to wash away all the pain I had been feeling prior to the beginning of this relationship. What this did was generate a false security.

4. Eventually the honeymoon period ends for someone. He has been apart from his wife exactly 1 year longer than me. He has already had a "rebound" relationship that ended badly, which he was hurt from. He has learned a lot but not everything. I believe the honeymoon peroid ended for him before it did for me. So now he's stuck with someone who, while I satisfy some basic needs and drive off the loneliness, he doesn't need it that much anymore. He's adjusted to living on his own, being a single dad etc. The companionship is nice but it is not enough on its own. That would be fine, except I'm just not the one for him. Funny, we never had an arguement or anything. I just felt him pulling away, slightly. I confronted him and he was honest, saying he didn't really know how he felt. Within 2 weeks he decided I wasn't the one and we broke it off, rather respectfully - honestly I can't fault him or blame him for any foul play.

So now I'm back on my own, suffering a second loss over the first, at Christmas. Nothing I did here was MB principals. Not only did I not do the basics, I messed up in other ways. The day this rebound relationship officially ended, I called up W-STBXH and blasted him - totally ripped his head off. On the plus side, whatever guilt he might still feel prevented him from haning up and I got a good 30 minute tirade in before I hung up on him. But it was stupid as well. Now he knows how psychotic I am. He will probably enjoy many evenings sitting with OW mocking me over the mess I've made in my life - not to mention the validation that it's clear that he should have left me because even this other guy can't stand me etc.

So I sit here on a Saturday night, my first one alone in some time - and being alone is one of my biggest fears - and I'm half way through a bottle of Baileys and crying. I have made a mess of my life and it's too late to fix it. But maybe you can learn from my stupidity and it will be worthwhile. Please, please be carefull when you go out there. It's not just the sex predators and bar creeps. My guy was really decent and it still hurt. He wasn't only decent in the way he treated me, but decent in the way he broke up with me. I picked my stuff up today and he gave me a hug and said he was sorry. And he was sincere - and I don't say this out of residual feelings or anything - I actually lost a good one. A real good one. Because I wasn't ready. Because I didn't want to be alone. And now I am.
Ok, I know....it's the holidays. You have no one there with you. It's been less than 8 months since Dday. You're separated, in a weird place - not totally free from your marriage and yet not in a real marriage - somewhere in between. And, your rebound relationship just ended.

Once upon a time, I read Terry Wiate's autobiography. He was an envoy of the Archbishop of Canterbury and was held prisoner in Lebanon, I think, for about 5 years. 5 years of almost total solitary confinement.

The main thing I remember from the book - the thing that has stuck with me and gotten me through some dark days - was a paraphrase from the philosopher Augustine, "To have peace, you must know yourself; and, to know yourself, you must be alone.

Go on to bed, Tabby. You don't want to be a mess in the morning. Your head will hurt, your eyes will ache, you'll regret getting to wasted tonight.

Besides, there is a young man watching you and the choices you make. Is this a responsible choice tonight?
Tabby,

I am so sorry you are going through this but many of us (including me) dated too early and rebounded. I thought I was ready after 1 1/2 years of my X leaving and wasn't. When I broke it off I felt horrible.

Your heart was in the right place with this guy. You thought you were doing the right thing and it felt good. But you weren't ready... Learn from this experience.

You know Tabby, I am big strong man and few things in life have ever scared me. But I was so scared of being alone when my X left... more scared of anything in my life! But being alone never hurt me at all. Actually being alone has allowed me to grow in ways I would never have imagined and I am so thankful for that.

Hey - we are all here to help you through this because we know exactly what you are feeling. Keep posting and we will get you through it.

One thing I can promise you, as certain as the sun will rise in the morning, you will be happy again.

Keith
Hi Tabby,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so hurt. I don't mean to make light of that or poke you when you're down, but I'm curious, why are you so afraid of being alone?

I know when I was first confronted with ex's desire to D I was afraid because I was a SAHM long out of a particular job market I had no intention of returning to. Is your fear tied to money? Are you in a position to support yourself?
Quote:

So I sit here on a Saturday night, my first one alone in some time - and being alone is one of my biggest fears - and I'm half way through a bottle of Baileys and crying. I have made a mess of my life and it's too late to fix it. But maybe you can learn from my stupidity and it will be worthwhile. Please, please be carefull when you go out there. It's not just the sex predators and bar creeps. My guy was really decent and it still hurt. He wasn't only decent in the way he treated me, but decent in the way he broke up with me. I picked my stuff up today and he gave me a hug and said he was sorry. And he was sincere - and I don't say this out of residual feelings or anything - I actually lost a good one. A real good one. Because I wasn't ready. Because I didn't want to be alone. And now I am.




ah, you need some counseling because your fear is irrational, and needs to be overcome before you can make any sensible decisions. . . you know your weakness, face it head on, and get over it. . . loneliness won't kill you, and if your XH might think you are a psycho, as I do my XW when she does similar shenanigans, then get to a counselor, start therapy and don't stop until you have fixed this portion of your being. . .

wiftty
Thanks everyone. I've been doing much better today, though the day is winding down and I've finished all I can do. I don't know why I fear being alone and loneliness so much. I spent many days and nights alone when I was married - he worked a lot and I'd be left at home. I didn't hate it then - I often looked forward to those "nights off" when I could just rattle around the house on my own. But this is so much different. He's not coming home. He's not going to call and check in. If something happens to me, my cats will eat my remains before anybody notices.

But it is irrational. I'm financially secure. I do live in an old house that needs work and I don't have the skills to do it, but I'm trying. Every little thing that happens just raises my fear of being alone. I'm sure the reason I got involved and enjoyed this guy so much was because I could avoid this fear. I didn't even realize I was doing it until he was gone.

I saw a counsellor for a while after the separation and even took ADs for a bit. I'm thinking about going back on them. I will have to see a real shrink though as my dr was extremely reluctant to prescribe them before (had to go through a clinic first and then to him) and part of why I stopped them was because he wouldn't continue them unless I saw the shrink. I didn't want to see the shrink because it would mean taking more time off work. I get 15 new days in January so maybe I will. Maybe now that I can identify at least one of my main problems, I can do something about it.

Thanks again. I appreciate it.
Tabby,

Sorry for all that you are going through!!!!

But hey let me share a little with you!!! I would die for some alone time right now!!

I have a 26 yo Son, DIL and 6 month GS living in my basement!
I have a 22 yo D with 3 boys from 4 weeks to 3 yo 2mon old, visiting again tonight.
She invited her friend and 1 yo out to my house to have pizza and watch a movie.
I have a 16 yo D that isn't feeling well.
My parents live across the street, I'm not sure that that has anything to do with tonight though!!!!
I am in the den sewing Christmas stockings as my family has grown by 5 since the last time I hung the stocking up and I am typing on the computer!!! I don't want to go out there!!!! I left my cell phone out there though!!! Darn!!!

As I said I would die for some alone time!!! It has been 6 years since the seperation and divorce. I still haven't dated, haven't had anyone that has been that interested in me, could be the baggage that I come with, I am not sure!!!

I so enjoy my alone time!!! I look forward to it!!!! I 've enjoyed the 6 years and have learned and grown as a person. I am now ready to date, hope Santa brings me someone good!!!!

Have a better night!!!

Dawn
Tabby

Don't be too hard on yourself- we live and learn - and it sounds like you learned a good lesson. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

I have 2 suggestions for you to help fill up the time and avoid dwelling on your feelings of loneliness:

1) Pick up a new hobby
2) Think like George Costanza

A new hobby would be a great way to fill some time. Learn to crochet, pick up a new musical instrument, join a book club, learn Tai Chi... something new and completely unlike something you might have done in the past.

Remember the Seinfeld episode where George decides that nothing in his life works out the way he usually does things, so he decides to do things (and think) the opposite way he usually does. Try that.

So, for example, if your reaction to finding a new hobby was "I'm too old for that" or "I don't think I could do that" then decide to think and act differently. Pick the least likely hobby and decide to do it! Cast off your old ways of thinking.

Just like moving furniture around in a room gives the place a fresh new feeling, thinking and behaving differently does too. Try a fresh approach and see where it leads!
Thanks again. The George Costanza approach sounds interesting - at least it doesn't feel like I'm stuck in a self-help book of sorts. I don't know what to do, though. I live in a small town, my options are limited. Do most places have a directory of some kind? I'm not even sure where to look.

I received a Scrabble invitation on Facebook from the guy last night. Though he indicated he still wanted to be friends, I don't think I'm ready for it just yet. I'm not sure how to handle it - I tried not to let him know how hurt I was (it really isn't his fault and he really was about as nice as he could be). I even considered taking him off my friend list just so I wouldn't see updates to his profile etc. I hadn't quite got the nerve up to do it when the invitation came. I'm not quite sure how to respond since I don't really want him to feel any guiltier than he has to and I would like to be friends with him someday - just not today.

I'm slowly gearing myself up for my family to come this afternoon. I'm glad they're coming so no more nights alone this week but they are also very challenging to have around - not quite Daybreak's situation but along the same lines. Did you know it's possible to fear being alone and wish for it at the same time? I guess it's not being alone I'll wish for but just a little peace and quiet where I don't have to be the full-time entertainer with no breaks.
Quote:

I live in a small town, my options are limited.




See - this is an example of Tabby's old style of thinking! Even in a small town you can pick up a hobby.

Personally I recommend music. Buy an instrument from a music store in a nearby larger town or from a reputable online retailer (I can suggest a few - beware of Ebay). Check out YouTube and elsewhere on the internet for free instruction videos and communities with great advice and information.

For example, I play the mandolin. It is a lot of fun, pretty easy to learn, relaxing, it's portable for travel, able to play to all kinds of music (classical, jazz, bluegrass, Italian, etc.) There are a few web sites of mandolin devotees with great advice, sheet music, etc.

But the same applies to almost any hobby you can come up with. You obviously have access to the internet, so I'm sure you can find something of interest - even from your small town!
Posted By: aescheylus VERY humble two cents - 12/25/07 12:00 AM
hey tabby cat,

sorry that you're hurting. hope you feel better soon.

from reading your original post, it sounds like you're saying it was "too much, too soon," is that about right?

while not quite the same, here's what i'm trying to tell myself:

1- don't beat yourself up; it's not your fault.
2- don't look back, focus on the future.

it sucks, and i can your pain, tabby.

but hang in there,

aesch
Posted By: daybreak Re: VERY humble two cents - 12/25/07 07:28 AM
Tabby,

Even with all that I have going on in my life, and not having much alone time!!!! I am lonely. I've mentioned that before on here.

I am going to look into geocaching in the spring. I've done it with my brother and it's fun, so thought that I would give that a go as a new hobby for me!!! To cold in the winter here for me to go out and dink around looking for a sucrets box.

Enjoy the family!!! Merry Christmas!!

Dawn
Posted By: Tabby1 Re: VERY humble two cents - 12/26/07 12:03 AM
i have heard of geocaching and would like to try it. Is this something that could be reasonably done by myself? It's cold here too - I'm in Canada.

Merry Christmas and thanks for all your warm thoughts.
Posted By: newly Re: VERY humble two cents - 12/26/07 06:32 PM
to: ItIsWhatItIs

Can you list some websites to buy a 3/4 violin? I need to replace DD's rental.
Posted By: akmusic Re: VERY humble two cents - 12/28/07 01:49 AM
I agree with the musical instrument, or try painting. I often wonder if I got into a relationship to fast myself. The woman I am with is great, but as time goes on I miss my old life so much it kills me.
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums