So after living together for a year and going through some tough times, my gf and I broke up. I didn't think it was going to be final as we still communicate on a regular basis. But I think she has abandonment issues and she was pulling back from me and my son the last 2 months. A month ago I asked her what she wanted , and she said that she thought she should be alone. She moved back to her condo the next day. She said it was not over and time will tell if we make it back together. A friend of mine found her on sugardaddie.com...I looked at the site and couldn't believe what I saw. Anybody know anything about it?

never heard of it, but i am pretty "dating site" naive.

mlhb

So she wants to be a wh0r3 for money.

So they ARE all the same.

Pariah, I'm sincerely hoping "they" isn't all women.

Akmusic, YUCK!

Ditch her now. The name says it all, but I checked it out. Classy site for good looking women looking for a man to pay their way. You deserve better than that.

hmmm... classy site for good looking women looking for a man with money? what was the name of that site again?? hehe

mlhb

Sugardaddie.com is a mixed bag as far as a dating site. There are people there looking to be kept women and men. There are also women and men on there who are using it as a a way to meet quality people.

I am on sugardaddie.com because my experience on other sites (e.g., Match and eHarmony) has been the men are not of the same caliber as me education wise, professionally or income wise. The men on Match who were selecting me and the men eHarmony was sending me had considerably less earning power and professional standing than me. I don't say that to sound elitist or snobbish, but rather because water seeks its own level. One of the biggest issues my XH would throw up in my face when we would argue was my professional title and how he felt inadequate compared to me earnings wise. On sugardaddie, I am meeting men who are more in line with me in those areas. With the exception of one man, all of the men I have met on sugardaddie are there for to me. Right now, I am communicating with a very nice gentleman who has been very polite, respectful and has never made one untoward action or communication to me.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Guess what.

You DO come off as eliteist, shallow and materialistic.

The 2 woman I talked too about that site told me it was nothing more than covered up prostitution. Most men are married and create elaborate lies in order to seek weakminded women think that they have a chance. However this is in the states, it might be different in the states.

sugardaddie.com, now I have heard it all.... I haven't looked at it (my work blocks dating sites), but I gotta ask myself what a man might have in mind when he joins such a site... Somehow things like "shared interests, intelligence, communication" are not the first few things that come to mind...

AGG

omg! that site is something else.

hmmm... thinks to self... wonder if any of those sugardaddies are relocatable.... hahaha

all i can say is.."wow"

mlhb

i can love you AND your money.
or your money AND you
works either way.

i saw an advertisement for that millionaire matchmaker and one of the women she was trying to match with the millionaire was like "but i don't really like short men" and the matchmaker was like "well, when he stands on his millions he is really really tall!" my way of thinking LOL

One of the things I took away from reading "His Needs, Her Needs" is that there is no such thing as 'shallow.' People often describe a man as shallow if he likes a woman because of her physical appearance, or a woman as shallow if she prefers men who are financially well-to-do. But according to HNHN, Physical Attractiveness and Financial Support are legitimate ENs.

The problem I see is when people aren't honest about their ENs (even to themselves) because they're afraid of coming off as shallow. For instance, women often say they're looking for a man who has 'a good sense of humor' when what they really want is someone good-looking who has a lot of money.

BFFHSGuy,

I was about to post something not so nice on this thread when I read your post. You made me stop and think. My needs are acts of service and quality time so the financial support need is one that I tend to trivialize.

After a failed marriage to a high powered successful man who was too busy being successful to meet my needs, I've found that what I need is a life partner and companion, not a rich husband and benefactor.

It seems that with only a few exceptions, many of the high achieving men I have known are either driven by their insecurities, fear of failure, or their career aspirations are a form of compensation for unresolved issues.

There was a time I thought I wanted a rich man but what I really need is just a simple, secure man who loves the ground I walk upon!

Thanks BFFHS for helping me articulate that!

Regardless of whether or not sugardaddy.com is as bad as it sounds, it's not good that your ex-girlfriend is on a dating site while giving you hope things may work out. I think that's called "stringing you along."

I find this somewhat interesting... And probably hasn't been an issue in marriages until the last 20 years...

Why is it an issue when the woman makes more money than the man? It appears that it wasn't an issue years ago when men were always the primary bread winners. But it is now when a woman is... ??? That doesn't make sense to me...

I think that reguardless of who makes more... If you're not using a policy of joint agreement on how to spend your money then money will always be an issue...

JMHO

I have a sneaky suspicion it was the other way around, that you would throw your superiority up in HIS face, making him feel inadequate.

My own wifey tried that, except it was always other women's husbands she compared me to that made more money.

One of the things I took away from reading "His Needs, Her Needs" is that there is no such thing as 'shallow.' People often describe a man as shallow if he likes a woman because of her physical appearance, or a woman as shallow if she prefers men who are financially well-to-do. But according to HNHN, Physical Attractiveness and Financial Support are legitimate ENs.

The problem I see is when people aren't honest about their ENs (even to themselves) because they're afraid of coming off as shallow. For instance, women often say they're looking for a man who has 'a good sense of humor' when what they really want is someone good-looking who has a lot of money. [/quote]

Thank you BHHFS Guy. Excellent explanation. Let me add my thoughts. First, Pariah, I will thank you for the insult (my friends over on General Questions would disagree with you greatly as would everyone who knows me, including my XH), given you do not know me. If you did, you would know that I am the grandaugher and niece of men who worked in steel mills all their lives. While they all were on the labor side when it came to unions, I was the one representing management. My father was a school teacher who put himself through college by working in those very same steel mills. I am very close with my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins (my siblings have similar backgrounds as me) all of who will tell you I am down to earth and not elitist or snobbish. They would also look at me questionably if I brought home someone with whom I had little in common educationally or professionally.

Secondly, expanding upon BHHSF Guy's thoughts, one of my top EN's is conversation - intelligent, insightful conversation. I want to be able to share my day with my partner. It is extremely difficult to have a conversation about foreign trade, bribery and corruption, intellectual property, investigations, etc. or the political dynamics of dealing with EVP's and other senior executives of a Fortune 50 company with someone whose exposure to life is much different. (Note, I did not say anything negative about that exposure, just that it is different).

Another of my top EN's is recreational companionship. The men who were interested in me on Match or with whom eHarmony matched me with shared very different interests than me. While I shared some things with them (working out, country music, bowling, rock climbing) we clearly did not share others. You don't usually find men interested in the arts (or who would have ever heard of my favorite artists - Jules Bastien LePage - must less have viewed and be able to have a conversation about his work) with the educational backgrounds and work profiles of the men who selected me on Match or who eHarmony matched to me. Similarly, our ideas of travel were dramatically different. Theirs would be places in the US or Mexico - places I've been many, many times. Mine were international - Paris, Prague, watching the gorillas migrate in Uganda. In the past, I have dated men who have a different life exposure than me and taken them to work-related social functions only to have them be extremely uncomfortable with black-tie attire, the venue of the event or holding a conversation with others in attendance.

Additionally, it was very clear that many of the men on Match had selected me after conducting a search based on the income level search option on that site. I say this because I don't think someone with a $35,000-50,000 income level living in Minnesota is selecting me, who lives in Texas, because our interests are the same....

Pariah, your attack on the comment with regard to why my XH would throw my professional accomplishments and educational background up in my face is also without merit. My XH was extremely proud of my educational background, my professional title and my professional accomplishments when we were dating and first married. That changed only because he chose to leave me for a woman who had a similar educational background as him, was not as successful as him in the employment arena (meeting his need to be the primary bread winner) and with whom he shared common interests. I would suggest that you look at your first post as it gives indications of your own insecurities. Look, also, at your second post about your XW - it screams of anger and resentment toward her and women, in general.

Finally, I must disagree with the observation a poster made that sugardaddie.com only attracts married men looking for a bit on the side. The first gentleman I met is a widower - very easily confirmed by looking at public records, which I did. The other gentlmen I met were divorced - again, easily confirmed by a public records search. Interestingly, each of the men with whom I have corresponded/met said they were on sd because they were not meeting the caliber of women with who they would be compatible on Match, eHarmony, etc.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Brit,
In listing your EN wouldn't you put financial stability? That is what I got from reading your post but I didn't see it there. Sorry if I missed it.

Another point I would like to make is that people's EN change over time and experience. After being married to your XH you may have realized there were EN that you had but didn't realize until they weren't being met.

Suamico, financial support is not one of my top EN's from a partner because I am very able to support my son and me in a very comfortable lifestyle on on my income, alone.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

BHHFSGuy,

I agree. I see nothing shallow about seeking out a partner that is on ones own social or financial rung of the ladder. Brit has the advantage of knowing what her EN's are and is able to seek out these qualities in a potential partner.

Brit,

I also agree that Pariah's comments say more about his own insecurities and self worth at this time in his life. I would not consider them insults. His perception is real to him. I respect that.

Pariah,

I mean no insult to you. Insecurity and lack of self worth are certainly symptoms of previous life experiences. They are not scarlett letters. They are just feelings and they are completely reversable.

I have never understood that at all. I would be entirely OK with a lady making more money than me.

My XW never worked a day that we were married (I think she is allergic to it). Now I date a lady who is financially self-sufficient and it is sooooo much better.

She understands when I feel tired at the end of the week. She understands if I have to go in early or leave late because of a work committement. She understands what it means to have a schedule and a committement that you must be responsible to.

And the most awesomest thing...... she picks up the check sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


I hope to never be in the position in the future of needing a dating web site. But if I ever do, I hope by that time there is a hotsugarmommas.com! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Generally speaking, men have a biological drive to be a provider. When they are not, it can be a source of emasculation. This is why men are far more likely to commit suicide if they lose their job.

And generally speaking, women have a biological drive to be provided for. I know some very successful women who would prefer that they never work another day of their life and be supported by their husband/boyfriend.

So the scenario of a husband making more money than his wife is rarely considered a marital problem. But when a wife makes more than her husband, he can have a lower sense of self-worth and she can feel like she's being taken for granted.

I supported my wife's career at the expense of my own, thinking she would appreciate that support. Once she started making substantially more money than I did, she felt entitled (although maybe she just always felt entitled) and lost respect for me. I was no longer good enough for her. She became attracted to someone who had a career like hers.

She admitted after her A that when I was out of work for two months she had a very hard time with it, even though we were still doing just fine financially during that time. I consider that to be extremely unfair, as how acceptable would it be for a man to have an A because his wife was out of work for a couple of months? Yet that's life and it's unfair.

I don't bring in any income because I am a SAHM but I do understand my husband's commitments to work and I do know he is dead tired both emotionally and physically when he gets home. Your EX's additude is just that, her's and it doesn't have to do with her not knowing what you go through it is she just didn't care enough to empathize.

As for the picking up the check, that made me laugh! When my DH and I went on our first date we went to a range to hit a bucket of balls and he automaticly paid. Then we went to a restaurant and I took the bill and paid it before he had a chance. That really impressed him. I didn't think anything of it because in my view we both work why should he have to pay for everything. Later he told me the past couple of GFs never even offered to pay. One of them he dated for a year and she never picked up the tab.

I had him at hello but picking up the check helped seal the deal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with you that it was unfair. You believed you were working as a team all along and she didn't. My DH was out of work for a year (worked a few contract jobs and we had savings) and I never for a second thought anything bad about him. It was quite the opposite (as you stated) he went into a depression and I did every thing in my power to comfort and support him. I could not imagine feeling resentment towards him for something that happened that was not his choice.

If one reads the book, "Private Lies" by Dr Frank Pittman, who is a psychologist who spent his life working with affairs in marriage, one observation he makes about selecting a spouse is that the more similar the spouse, the more likely you are to stay together.

Now some people will argue theory and exception, those being more Judgemental types. however, reality of success is more important than theory or otherwise. . .

At times, i had felt the same way as Brit, as i was working in the same level, however, after my career imploded with the technology bubble, I would rather have a spouse with whom I can get away and have fun with, than bring work home to. . .

my GF will listen, but then only for about a bit, then she start to drag me off to play time. . .

so i understand Brit, and i understand everyone is different, and some people make better spouses than others. . . finding someone similar in beliefs, values and temperment should make the relationship easier. . .

wiftty

Just a quick thought on the ENs of Financial Support and Physical Attractiveness...

I understand the MB concepts and that these are legitimate ENs. That being said, I think (almost) every human being wants to be loved, regardless of how good they look or how much money they make. It is a bit scary, and sad, to feel that your H or W could lose their love for you based on an EN that is "external" (looks, money) and that you may not have full control over maintaining. For example, you may lose your job through no fault of your own. Also, although you can try to look your best, you cannot stop the aging process.

In contrast, unless a person has suffered a tragic accident or illness that restricts functioning, he/she can always choose to meet ENs like conversation and affection and admiration.

So...even though I understand that FS and PA are legitimate ENs, to me it triggers a feeling that the person doesn't really love "me" or else they wouldn't care if I was suddenly ugly or jobless. It also triggers fear that you could lose that love through no fault of your own just because you are aging or the economy goes down the drain.

Wish I could express my thoughts on this issue a little better.

NTS,

All human love is conditional. There are no guarantees. It is sad and a bit scary to realize that anyone at anytime can stop loving us for any reason. I think the point is to focus on the things we CAN control and not worry about the rest. While we can't control being disfigured in an accident, we can control gaining 50 pounds and letting ourselves turn into a blob. The odds of gaining weight are significantly greater than being disfigured.

I find the FS need difficult to comprehend because most of us, both men and women CAN meet our own need for FS. It's not like we're living in 1950 anymore! I think it would be better to consider it a "want" more than a need but that's JMO.

She does doesn't she. I wouldn't be envious. If she were 'all that' I would think she would beable to meet and interest men with whom she has contact in her comings and goings on a daily basis. It is easy to conceal the 'real you' interacting by means of keyboard and monitor. And ,too, you can enhance the 'relationship' with fantasy.
She and sugerdaddy have yet to get to the nitty gritty of it all. That's where the rubber meets the road.---Brit's Brat; the name alone is like a sign to me reading. "Danger-icy pavement ahead".

I agree completely. Although the ENs and LB concepts make a lot of sense to me, it does leave me a bit disillusioned that no one will ever really love me for 'who I am.' I've never really focused much effort on FS and PA, instead choosing to provide emotional care and support, as those are things not dependent on unreliable external factors. Now I know I'll need to improve myself in those areas if I ever want to have a successful love relationship.

You don't think much of yourself, do you?

When talking about this I always find it interesting on how it always the guys problem. It is the men that have the problem dealing with the fact that the wife makes more money. It is never the poor woman who has a problem with it.

Horsepucky.

I use to have 2 friends where their wives made more money. I would imagine if I listened to their wives tell it the husbands were insecure and it made them feel like less of a man because they made less money. Of course it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that at every get together both of their wives were always throwing digs in on how they made more money. My wife (XW now) noticed this and also told me she felt really bad for those guys.

I never see in any columns or anything else on the subject that talks about women treating the guy bad but I guess it just never happens.

One of the first things women want to know is what you do for a living. Guys don't want to know that about women but women want to know that about guys.

If a guy is jobless and has no money he can be the greatest guy in the world and it will not matter. If a female is jobless and has no money and is the sweetest women ever and hot then guys will flock to her.

Women want the money they make and their husbands money. Women want to marry up. JMHO.

I find that sentiment interesting. I provided the insurance while my husband finished college because my employer provided it and I was a college graduate. 3 years after we married, my husband, who had gone to school part-time while working full time those 3 years, finally graduated.

I taught him his social graces. He ditched a symphony going woman, an arts woman, a professional woman, to try to have a go at a relationship with a co-worker.

I came from a home w/ a white collar mother and a blue collar father. He came from a home w/ a white collar father and a SAHM mom.

I definitely married down. He definitely married up - not necessarily financially but socially. The woman he ended up marrying is a high school graduate, bookkeeper for a caterer, non-stylish, woman who is a classy as me....OK, I know you think I'm bragging.....

But, I will NEVER intentionally marry down again. There are statistics that men who do marry above themselves are less successful in their marriages. Guess what my x did when he married me?

Been there, done that.

First, the majority of the men with whom I work are married. I do not date married men. Secondly, with regard to the very few who are not married, for me, I prefer not to date someone with whom I work as I have learned (and was painfully reminded last year) the hard way why that is not a good idea - not just because of the dynamics of dating someone with whom you work (especially with many of those men being very close to retirement - I am 47, full retirement in my company is 55) but also because in my company, once you reach a certain level, you are subject to relocation all the time (for example, I already know that my next position in our company's succession planning will put me in London).

With regard to not having met any of the men from sugardaddie, since my original post on this thread, I have met and gone out with several and they are kind, attentive gentlemen with whom I have much in common. None have asked for, nor expected sex (unlike what was implied in the post that started this thread), we just enjoy each other's company, are able to talk for hours on end (communication is my top EN) and share common interests (RC is another).

Finally, to clariy my user name - Brit's Brat - was selected because my XH is British and, as a kid, my much older brother and sister affectionately called me "The Brat."