Hello,
I am currently dating, and it is good. But, what is kind of odd to me, is that it seems that a lot of people either want an instant R or they do not want to commit to ONE person while dating. Myself included I find that I have my needs met by a few different men, and I am happy, and content.
Most of the time.
Then there are the other times where I think that it is weird that I do not want to be with any ONE man exclusively, or that they do not want to be with me exclusively. I can call them, they can call me, I never talk about any of the other men I talk to/do things with.
But... I was raised in a way that you are with someone, they are with you, and I find this whole new scenario, while fine a majority of the time, perplexing at other times. Like when my mom asked me when they were going to meet one of the men I have been seeing. I told her not yet. Because it is what it is, and I am not going to introduce him to my kids OR family... and it feels wrong to make it more than it is, yet, in my life, it is right....

Does anyone else feel this way?

You sound like you feel GUILTY for not choosing 1 man out of few candidates. IMHO you aren't ready to commit yourself to 1 person, I woudn't feel guilty. You wanna the field. Your single it's acceptable, as long as you are honest with them.

If 1 of them were the right one, you'd have picked him by now..and wanted to commit. That's JMHO...

I've struggled very much with this. I'm not comfortable doing it at all, but I attempted to give it a shot, and as soon as I found myself with 3 or 4 women to casually talk to, one outshined the rest 10 fold and I abandoned the idea and the others for the one. It's only been a few weeks, but we've decided to be exclusive. Distance and kids are perfectly aligned to keep us from moving too fast, so I think we'll be Ok there. It will be an every other weekend relationship for a while with speaking on the phone daily.

I had been talking to one sporatically and met the others at the same time, but all in different ways, so I thought it was gonna be cool and I felt like I could handle it, until I got to know the one better and was completely blown away. So the casual thing never really took off.

So I know how difficult it is for sure. It seems like you're enjoying it though, just feeling guilty for some reason.

Maybe it just takes some time to get used to.

Oh, and good to hear from you MEAUX MEAUX!

When I started dating, I had a hard time with the idea of dating more than one person at a time. Then I got with the program and realized that I didn't have to choose one unless I really wanted to be with that one. Yippee. The world was mine and I (unbelievably) had my choice of dating companions. What a boost to my beat-up ego. When one person would stand out, I simply lost interest in anyone else. I had a few relationships out of tons of dates. Nothing stuck until I met the one man that God had chosen for me.

Don't feel guilty about playing the field. That's what it is. Playing. As long as you're not endangering yourself by being intimate with multiple men, or lying about your intentions, you're fine. HAVE FUN!!!

When I started out on the dating scene, I met a couple of guys that peaked my interest.

One was a big mistake, but meh, you only live once right?

Anyway, I had some options, until my Keebler came along. I was just in the midst of running away from that mistake, and he popped into view. I was immediately smitten.

Casual hanging out, turned into a full blown romance. And, now, here we are, a year and a half later, and I have never been so happy in my life!

When the right man comes along, you'll know it!

Good luck!

Couldn't have said it better.

I am so happy to have found this post!!!! My XH and I have been separated since July of last year, and our D was final on Valentine's Day. Anyway, At first, I had met this man whom I thought had all the qualities I was looking for. Boy, was I wrong. I coulnd't have been more wrong about him. I have been asked out, met some very interesting people, but there is this one, whom I've been talking to for weeks now, and we both have decided to start seeing one another exclusively.

What scares me is the way I feel when I am with him. Also, the way I feel when I am without him. Work, school, kids keeps us both very busy, but we do try to find time to be with one another. It's crazy, I never thought I could feel this way again.

He is a gentleman. I am attracted to his whitty charm, as well as his awesome personallity. We "click" and seem to really spend so much time just talking about life issues, as well as some stuff from the past.

I know that there is no "Time Limit" on when I should or shouldn't start dating. I have heard so many differnt things, but am realizing that I just need to follow my heart. We both have talked about this, his worry is that it is my first real relationship after my marriage ended. But to be honest, I don't want to date a bunch of other people. I have a true shot with this person, and don't want look back and think..."Wow, I screwed that one up." Make sense????

My EX is dating too, he started dating 8 months ago, this woman who seems to be a permanent fixture in his life, as well as my kids when they are with him. I wanted to be on my own for a good year before even jumping into anything. But along comes this man, who has blown my mind with his caring nature, personality and just the fact that the two of us "click".

I don't know, I know every one is differnt. For me, I don't want to date other people. At the same time, don't want to loose this independent person I have become, as well as become co-dependent like I was in my marriage. He knows all of this, and we both agreed to take it slow....

Am I crazy??? I don't know, but I think I'm falling for him...really falling, and I am tired of that wall that stands between me, and being truely happy.....

Sorry for rambling....

It doesn't sound too bad to me. My D was final in May. Now I'm 2 years post D-day and EXWW never even gave our marriage a chance and did many horrible things along the way, so it wasn't exactly difficult for me to get over her.

Definately take it very slow. I recently met the same kind of person and she wasn't ready. A month into the realationship she started having some pretty extreme emotions concerning her deceased husband. We had to put the relationship completely on hold because of it. I tried to take it slow, but she really thought she was ready and let things go too fast for her.

So just try to take it slow and make sure you're over your Ex. If you're not you'll end up like the girl I fell for.

But to be honest, you're just a few months shy of a year, I really think what you are doing is fine

JMHO

I am over my ex. Although the year mark of the divorce is coming up, Our marriage was over almost a year before that. I think about him, and our life together, and how "Hard" it was to be married to one another. We were like fire and ice. I was so co-dependent and I hated that I became that.

Now, I have been on my own since July of 07 and I finally feel okay. Even before meeting this man, I was happy being alone. I didn't mind it at all, as a matter of fact, still enjoy the fact that he and I are taking it very slow, as well as not seeing one another 24/7. I have a life too, and like my life, but also, enjoy having him in my life. Does this make sense?

We had another really indepth conversation lastnight. We talked face to face for almost 4 hours. Just about us, our past, what we both want, and what we don't want. We both are on the same page, and both feel such a strong connection with one another. But at the same time, we are both baffeled as to WHY we have such a strong connection. It's hard to NOT analyze, but that is what we are going...like we both are waiting for the bomb to drop.

We are going out on a date tomorrow. We are going to do something fun that we both enjoy, as well as gives us time to really connect and "TALK" about other stuff besides what it is we are feeling. I think that will take a laod off, and we will just go with the flow!

I like him...A lot. I'm ready for something new, and am remember that this is NOT my marriage, rather, something new and exciting. I am going to enjoy every minute of it!

In response to sadmo'ss first post, I am the opposite!

I can't do more than one guy at a time... especially if there's chemistry on first contact. I concentrate on one person. Then when he stops calling, I feel dumped. And it takes me a little while before I can move on to the next guy. Hey as I am writing this, I realize -- I shouldn't be in a hurry to date!

LOL

Ruffled I am the exact same way. There is no way in heck I could ever juggle talking/emailing/texting/dating more than one man at a time. I give my all.

M2B3,

It really sounds like you're handling this right. It's still early in the realtionship, you've had your intense talk about "US" and what "WE" want and you are on the same page. So your next step is exactly what you said. Drop the R talk and go have some fun. Too much R talk will start to make things stressful. Enjoy his company when you have him. Enjoy your time alone when you don't. The rest will take care of itself. Good Luck!

Ruffled and Allurin,

I'm with you 100%. I'm STILL tryin to talk myself into casual dating because apparently that's what we're supposed to do. I STILL can't do it. I can only casually date someone that I know I'm not interested in. What's the point? If someone has the qualities I look for I'm gonna give them the time and attention needed to see if there's something there.

Cajun and Allurin,

I know, I know, I know!

What I did-- concentrating on one person was no good. I spent too much time on him. I think my mistake was I flirted too much in writing and on the phone and met him only after 50 days! It was too long a wait. I fell in 'love' intellectually and got involved emotionally- couldn't help it, I am a woman, it happened before I realise it. Each time he calls, he envelops me in his voice. I was totally enchanted by his accent and the attention he showers upon me-- well who doesn't like attention? I waited too long to meet him. When we did finally meet, I wasn't attracted and neither was he, I am sure. So now there's no contact and I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms. No good, no good! He has created a vacumm that wasn't there before. I saw the red flags, but didn't stop. Aye!

He did make a remark about the way I looked. I have to admit I have let this person allow me to feel badly about the way I look now- men are generally visual, even when they do not admit it. Am I gonna get more rejections because I don't look like what men are attracted to conventionally?

So now I know-- online chemistry does not equal chemistry in person. Maybe I should just list a few FAQs and get on with meeting the person. What do you think? Who wants to help me with the FAQs?

That guy and I wasted too much time writing poems, stories and other nonsense to each other... lol.

Sure I'll help, but, if you havn't noticed, I don't have this cr@p figured out either, LOL!

Here's the way I handle meeting people online.

Email for a few days to a week. Talk on the phone a few times to see if they are easy to talk too and see if interst continues. Then meet as soon as time allows. I think you should get that all out of the way in the first few weeks.

I'll post more later, about to go into a meeting

I want to meet people ASAP, you tell more about them in 5-minutes in person that all of the phone calls, emails, and texts. And it's not all about their appearance, it's did they speak truth in their profile, can they communicate in real-time? Too much prelude will lead to probable disappointment at the first meetings, and it's a lot of work to do all of that communication beforehand.

I state in my profile that I would rather meet sooner than later. I know that I am so much more in person and that's to my advantage.

Ruffled - I am morbidly curious... Can I ask what he said to you? I find it interesting that even past a certain age, many people still act like teenagers and children w/re to their physical expectations. I am referring to him perhaps having unrealistic notions of what a woman should look like. I can understand not being physically attracted to someone, but it sounds like he put it out there as though his lack of interest was your problem and not his.

My GF and I corresponded online and by phone for almost two weeks before meeting in person. I don't think there's any set time frame anything has to happen in. It comes down to a simple matter of comfort and safety.

I would say that 7+ weeks is a tad unreasonable IMO. If it takes that long to reach a point of comfort, you're either not ready, or the other person isn't a very good match.

He said I reminded him of Anson Chan.

Mrs Anson is the state legislative secretary of Hong Kong. She is... 60 years old.

Okay, I just Googled a couple pics. Let me just say that as a white guy, I think Asians (especially women) typically look much younger than their Western counter-parts of the same age. This seems to hold true whether they're 16 *cough*Olympic Gymnasts*cough*, or 60, as Ms. Chan is. From the photos I saw, I definitely wouldn't guess her age.

Dear Seabird,

In Asian talk, that means he thought I looked like an aunt. Not a girlfriend. I guess he is looking for Jessica Alba... JA in the Sleeping Dictionary.

Hey I showed him my photo way in the beginning. It is not like I lied about how I looked. He said photos are two dimensional and when you add life and personality to the photo, it's a different picture all together. He liked me when we talked four hours on the phone!

Anyway, I have written it off. What a waste of time.

P.S. I DO NOT LOOK LIKE ANSON!! Lol.

yeah, me neither!

You know, I think that it is all about confidence when you date a few people at a time. Or at least for me it has been.

After being M'd for awhile, and never looking at another man in a "flirtatious" fashion when I was M'd.... it was nice to see that I COULD flirt, and that I COULD have men that wanted to go out with me... I found it fun, but then again, I really am a person who would generally bond with someone, or decide that I did not like someone, and go from there.

The new element of liking different people, for different reasons, is new to my dating M.O. I have weeded out some people- did not trust, did not think that it was going anywhere... and now I find I am still seeing one of the "originals". He is so level headed, so REAL, and we get along well. We have really good chemistry, emotional, intellectual, and physical. I really connect with him, but I find myself distancing myself- not calling TOO much, or answering TOO much, or texting TOO much... I saw him yesterday, and we talked for HOURS. Just talked, were affectionate, and it was SOOOO nice. When he left, he told me that I should call him more, I never call him, and he gave me a GREAT hug.
A little background: he is NOT a hugger, which has been a disappointment to me, as I love to have a nice, safe, intimate hug. I am not a big hugger with just anyone. Me and this man, NM, get along so well, but our goodbyes would always be kind of... disappointing. And I told him this. He told me that he is just not a hugger, and I told him that he sucks... in a joking manner. So yesterday he was over. He makes my heart skip a beat... YET... I feel like myself around him. I could listen to him talk for hours, and he listens (and important thing!) REMEMBERS what I tell him. I have not introduced any man that I have dated to my kids, but NM still asks about my kids, how my DD's asthma has been, how my other DD's school is going...

And I feel like this is what I wanted from my EXH- care, concern, conversation, and intimacy. I have it with this man, NM, yet I feel frozen, and I do not know how to "take it to the next level", if that is possible, or if I should try to. We have been seeing each other for several months, have conflicting work schedules (big time) but still keep in contact frequently, and get together when we can, which is not often.

I really like him. Should I just see how it plays out? I find that he is the one guy that I really just want to be around...

Consider yourself lucky you didn't get more involved than you did. A guy that is that shallow at the beginning is only going to get worse as you get to know him better. You've seen his best side and it wasn't too great.

Jeez, what a jerk. Interesting roundabout way to communicate his opinion though. I wonder Asians find Westerners too blunt.

Now now, gentle people, everyone is free to choose who they are attracted to and who they are not, and there is no rhyme or reason or right or wrong in their choices and its not always the case that their choice will parallel yours. Keep you expectations low and remind yourself not to construct fantasies of how great a couple you would be, how great a match they would be, how great a match you will be. Just because you wish it doesn't make it true. Note that not every person you contact has a possibility of being "the one", so be objective. Different people will fit into different roles in your life, some friends, some lovers, some partners. Don't live with the expectation that everyone will fit into the latter category. Consider that you may have to weed hundreds of acres before finding one flower.

Live this and it will free you from many disappointment factors.

Dutch - No one here is trying to dictate his preferences. It is, however, fair to criticize the manner in which he chose to express himself. Therein lies the difference. Simply put, he was unnecessarily rude.

Ahhh...the online thing. It is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you get to know some things about them from a safe distance but a curse because, having only a picture, you two are at a "safe distance."

Of course, you should be careful and get to know a little about them electronically first. Note, I said a "little". You are never going to find out if it is worth pursuing either way until you MEET (in a public place of course). There is really no substitute for face-to-face contact, body language, eye contact, in-person conversation, and -- here goes -- actually checking out the visual package in real life.

Yes, men are visual and studies show that 80% of initial attraction for men is via the eyes. For women, it is via the ears. Men are attracted outside-to-in and women generally the other way around.

Beyond doing some prudent "pre-screening", there is little point in delaying a date to endlessly email or talk on the phone. Just meet and see! For most men, he is not going to want a 2nd date if he doesn't find the woman physically appealing (to HIM) so there isn't much point for a woman to get all emotionally attached via electronic "conversation" and "attention" before meeting.

Yes, no one should ever be rude or hurtful when another person doesn't "click" for them. When this happens, men are the ones, being generally more straitforward, who tend to come across as "blunt" and women, being generally more circular and sensitive, tend to come across as evasive or "hard to read." Usually, one of these 2 scenarios occur:

GUY AND GIRL HAVE FIRST DATE--TAKE #1
Guy & girl have some fun and pleasant conversation
Girl kinda likes guy...he's funny & listens well and he makes her feel comfortable around him
Guy doesn't find girl to be physically appealing
Date ends with neither party being particularly upfront ("thanks for a nice time")
Guy doesn't ask girl out again
Girl says "Men are so shallow!"

GUY AND GIRL HAVE FIRST DATE--TAKE #2
Guy & girl have some fun and pleasant conversation
Guy kinda likes girl...she's pretty & sweet and she makes him feel good around her
Girl thinks guy is "nice" but uninteresting/unexciting
Date ends with neither party being particularly upfront ("thanks for a nice time")
Guy calls girl--girl doesn't answer or call back or makes excuse to turn down 2nd date offer
Guy says "Women are such flakes!"


LOL.....

Pretty much in a nutshell.

Have you been spying on my dating life?

Been on both sides -- take#1 and take #2.

Nothing unique about any of it from either gender's perspective.

FOR MEN:

Have the attitude that you are just going to have "lighthearted fun" with no expectations
Make the 1st date (esp. if it is blind) a short, simple "no pressure" thing
Realize that she is just as or more anxious about meeting you than you are about meeting her
Be witty and funny--humor is the best icebreaker. Making her laugh makes her feel comfortable & "safe"
Make & maintain eye contact
Listen mostly--ask questions and let her do 75% of the talking
Show interest in what she is saying and reflect it back to her
Chime in with commonalities to build connection
Be chivalrous--pull out her chair, open a door--but also...
Be FLIRTY--tease her playfully & TOUCH her (non-threateningly)
Be a benevolent LEADER--get her opinion and then make decisions (women cannot be attracted to men they don't respect as a leader)
Take her hand in leading her somewhere, usher her through the door with your hand on the small of her back
SMILE, dont leer
Dress well
Be confident and in command of your surroundings
Have and be FUN

Don't be "nice". "Nice guys" are unattractive to women. Women are attracted to proof of social value, not sycophancy.
Don't be an arrogant jerk but don't give away your approval easily either.
Don't fall all over yourself to compliment or suck up to her
Don't talk about yourself much and definitely don't brag about material things (it reeks of need)
Don't tell her you will call at the end of the date
Don't ask "if you can see her again"
Don't call her too soon--wait at least a few days
Don't leave more than 2 messages
Don't call if she has not called you back
Don't call her if she turns down your date or makes an excuse w/o suggesting an alternative time
Don't let it bother you if she isn't into you

SDCW,
Excellent list!

Some of your list applies to women. I think it's important for a woman to be cool, calm, and collect on a first date. Eye contact is important.

I would add...be yourself!!! There is no point in pretending you're someone else.

So, SDCW, can you create a thorough list for the women-folk? I'll carry it with me at all times! lol

Thanks!
Sweet

I agree with the spirit of the first half, but not necessarily the "don'ts". The timeframes laid out should be generalized based on the situation and the people involved. My GF and I hit spoke on the phone and over email for two weeks before our first date. At the end of that first date, I thought things were going well and I asked her openly when I could see her again. She smiled coyly, looked at her watch, and said, "Let's see... What time is it now?...", implying that she'd count passage of time in minutes or hours.

There were no expectations or demands from me, but I was open w/re to my interest in her. I didn't want her to doubt whether I was into her or not. I think this made her comfortable since she admitted later that during the course of the evening she wondered if I liked her. If she demurred or was uncomfortable with me, then we wouldn't have been a good match. I'm not really interested in trying to sell myself. The initial interest has to be there. My job is to not say anything out of character that might give her the wrong idea about me.

I think the best rule is the one most often mentioned: Be yourself.

It won't get you every girl, but it will get you the one who best matches you.

I am not sure that this is a very good tactic in this day and age, could earn you a black eye.



Maybe not to the women who like the bad boys, but I am very happy being my "nice guy" self with my GF, and she seems to be happy with me too. I think these generalizations are pointless, as they depend on who is doing the generalizing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

AGG

Very true AGG. Nice guys are very much appreciated. I would much rather date a nice guy than a mean guy. Mean guys make terrible husbands.

I have no problem with this list --- unless it puts you in a position of misrepresenting who you really are. Most guys (and the women they're seeing) would be a lot better off just being themselves right out of the gate. Following a behavior checklist for a few dates only to abandon it after "landing" the other person will only lead to problems later.

I agree...when there is obvious chemistry and "fireworks" both ways, the relationship can advance and become connected much faster. Good for you!

AGG,

1. Touching her (non-sexually) is taking her hand, tapping her on the knee when something's funny, giving her a playful teasing push, etc. It is NOT "groping". Touching powerfully communicates comfort and acceptance and interest in a non-verbal way. Seems like you misunderstood what touching meant. BTW, if she slugs you for any of that, she is either totally uninterested or (more likely) someone no man should ever want to be around.

2. There is something in between being too "nice" (sycophantic, fawning, hyper-agreeable) and being "bad" (a jerk, a boor, a user). It is called being a gentleman who is also a playful, fun-loving, interesting, and high-value alpha-man. No one is suggesting abusing or mistreating anyone, but rather being mysteriously interesting, mischievious, and flirtatious. Women are not attracted to guys who fall all over themself to suck up to her and be "nice". Mr. Super Nice Guy ends up her FRIEND (if anything), not her BOYFRIEND.

3. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" ... couldn't agree more--it is what you make of it.

OMG, you FOLKS are TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT.

Every woman will say "I want a nice guy". What they really mean (whether knowing it or not) is that they hope to become attracted to a guy who is also "a good man". You can be a good man (and should be a good man) and ALSO be flirty, challenging, high-value, and a little "dangerous" in her mind. Guys, you do NOT attract her by knocking yourself out to be "nice"!

[Don't believe me? Next time you are on a first date, spend the entire time showering her with compliments and agreeing with everything she says like a puppy dog...she will find you "nice" but needy, BORING, anti-challenge, and low-value. She very likely won't go out with you again unless she is equally needy.]

NOT BEING "NICE" DOES NOT EQUATE WITH BEING "MEAN"!

It SHOULD be who you are...MAKE it who you are

Funny
Fun-loving
Flirty
Witty
Interesting
Interactive
High-value
Self-respecting
Confident

No, I actually understand your point quite clearly.

My idea of "nice" is a general term for other qualities: polite, gentleman, and a good listener. Yes, being nice is a quality that "a good man" should/would have.

I used the terms, "nice" and "mean," loosely...while applying my sense of humor...which I guess...didn't convey.

When I said "mean," I am thinking of qualities such as rude, inconsiderate, and selfish.

My connotations for these words, I'm sure, differ from other's.

SDCW, I'd like to know what are your usual pre-screening questions.

Mine are badly upfront-- I have to ask them again whether they are divorced or single and never been married because a lot of people call themselves 'single' when they are actually 'divorced'.

Other than that, I ask what they do for a living. Many are without jobs or are in between jobs or retiring.

I think what you mean by a "super nice guy" is a doormat. I agree, no one likes a doormat (except for someone who is emotionally codependent).

But I will stand by my thoughts of "different strokes for different folks" - some women may like the alpha males, some do not. To generalize that all women want the alpha male is as silly as saying that all men want a barbie GF. Some do, some don't.

When I meet a flirtatious woman, I run the other way. Been married to one, not going to be stupid again .

AGG

This is an important distinction for you? I consider myself "single" and/or "divorced". I only really clarify one or the other based on the context of the conversation. I don't think that they're necessarily mutually exclusive. I take the view that divorced people are by definition "single", but not all single people are divorced, obviously.

A square is a rectangle, but not all rectangles are squares...

Can't speak for Ruffled, but it is definitely important to me that a guy has been previously married vs. never married. Of course, both are single, but the divorced guy has been through it before. Also, perhaps I'm a little prejudiced but if nobody's married him by the age of 40, you've got to wonder why not.

Ruffled,

I agree that this can be a touchy subject. No one wants to waste their time with someone they consider to be manifestly "incompatible" or has "too much baggage" for their tastes. Certainly no one should EVER date someone married who is posing as "single". Whether being divorced (and how long divorced) is a deal-breaker or not for you is a personal decision that only you can answer for yourself. [For example, whether divorced, widowed, or never-married, I am very leery of dating a single mom. I know it is not entirely fair to make broad assumptions, so I will consider it if I am otherwise comfortable. Tough call...]

But, over-doing the quest for information (from a male perspective) really comes across as rude and demanding. No one likes to feel like they are on "an interview", submitting their "resume", or having to "jump through hoops" on a first date. It really kills any chance for fun-loving spontaneity and emotional connection/attraction when you feel "grilled".

Don't expect to "find out everything" right away. Let the conversation flow naturally and work it in subtly by showing interest in the other person.
"Tell me about your family..."
"How is your work going? How did you get into that career?"
"Love to hear more about XXX..."

Ruffled,

It is of course completely up to you whether or not being previously divorced is OK for you or not but I hope that is not an absolute for you. It helps if you have a 3rd party to give you info (say you are introduced to each other by a mutual friend). Then you can find things out without sounding too pushy.

I have been introduced to a few divorced woman via friends and I generally like to know:
Does she have kids and, if so, how involved is the ex?
How long has she been D?
Circumstances of the D? [touchy]

I am very relunctant to date someone whose ex is heavily involved, someone who hasn't been D 6 months or more, and I WILL NOT DATE someone who was ever a WS. That last one is definitely an absolute, no excuses whatsoever. Since we all know about the "fog" in great detail, I can always tell when someone's marriage ended because they cheated and I will not date any former-WSs, even "truly reformed" ones...no way, no apologies.

Yes, I need to distinct whether the person has been married or not because the divorceds and never marrieds are different in outlook. Other than knowing this, I don't prejudice either... people remain single or are divorced for various reasons and I'd be interested to know the person's story.

Someone mentioned Western and Asian communication style a few posts ago-- whether I find Westerners blunt. Old school Asian is subtle (or roundabout) in their delivery, the younger ones can be blunt. But hey, everyone can still be polite and thoughtful, whether they like the person or not. It reflects on their character and maturity.

On the dating website, I find a better experience communicating with Westerners because we talk about common interests first. With Asians, I feel l'm being checked out like a horse: how's her teeth, eyes, tail, what kind of nightie I wear to bed, do I paint my toenails, do I wear a watch to work, etc.. lol.

The comment about being reluctant to date anyone with an ex heavily involved is intrguiging to me. Can you expand upon that?

I guess my question comes because I do not understand the meaning. I fully support a man/woman being involved with their children after divorce. However, if the ex is heavilty involved with the ex-spouse (Phone calls, lunch dates, whatever) I can see an issue.

I know there is no really right answer as each person has their own measuring sticks, but I am interested in your viewpoint here.

"Also, perhaps I'm a little prejudiced but if nobody's married him by the age of 40, you've got to wonder why not. "

Why is nobody wants him/her worse then nobody wanted to keep him/her?

""I only really clarify one or the other based on the context of the conversation. I don't think that they're necessarily mutually exclusive. I take the view that divorced people are by definition "single", but not all single people are divorced, obviously""

Only a person that has never been married should use the term single. Because it implies that. Why? Because a single person never has to clarify that statement any further.

If a widowed person say's their single. They are hiding the fact that they were married.

If a divorced person say's their single. They are hiding the fact that they were married.

There are two types of lies. Commission and Omission.

Commission is to deliberately lie.

Omission is to lie by hiding the truth.

For some never being married or being divorced is just as must of a red flag and a deal breaker as having kids.

Imagine when a person say's I'm single, and have children. Doesn't that set off the Red Flag. Has kids, are they divorced, widowed? If not those then single and never married but had kids Red Flag.

So to those that say single is ok for every one with and without a past. Don't you see how it can be very misleading?

Well, to me being married ONCE and divorced ONCE just means *one person* didn't want to keep him/her, whereas not having been in a long term, committed relationship either means that *nobody* was interested in being with him/her OR that he/she is so picky that *nobody* lived up to his/her standards.

I can live with one person not wanting my sweetie.

Multiple divorces or break-ups from relationships lasting longer than say 3 years would also leave me wondering. And the death of a spouse is, to me, not a red flag concerning my prospect's relationship skills, just maybe necessary to figure out how they're dealing with their grief.

I had a bad experience with a NMNK guy which I believe was partly due to the lack of common ground between us. (he also turned out to be a stalker which certainly didn't help matters). You know, there are just so many guys out there, you have to screen somehow. Someone who has BTDT is just that much more likely to have things in common with me.

I also understand the ex-involvement issue. Even if it is about the kids, it means that if you get into a relationship with that person, you are also taking on the ex - as in a 3-person relationship. It may not be the same as an A in that you aren't competing for affections, but that 3rd person is still there.

We are talking about dating. You can be as discresionary as you want - and it's probably better if you are. IF you do meet someone that you want to develop a relationship with, you are going to discover many not-so-attractive qualities about them anyway (we all have them). So why take extra burdens up front?

And regarding the term "single" - I wouldn't go so far as to call someone a liar because they put single vs. divorced or widowed. However, I would probably assume they were never married and, therefore, they'd fail my screen.

"And regarding the term "single" - I wouldn't go so far as to call someone a liar because they put single vs. divorced or widowed. However, I would probably assume they were never married and, therefore, they'd fail my screen. "

When there is deceptive advertising, how is it truthful?

But if they called themselves single without clarifying that they were widowed or divorced you consider them to be truthful when they hide their past behind the word "single"?

So is it not better for all not to play games with something as important with ones past that will have the potential to be immediate deal breakers?

Either your single as never married, widowed, or, divorced. With the added disclaimer on children.

And as you stated by them hiding there past behind a word. In your case they would be missing out on those that want a divorced rather than single person status.

I don't know that it is necessarily "deceptive". Perhaps they are sensitive about it and don't want to share that information with complete strangers. Maybe they prefer to bring it up when they actually meet someone in persons. I've heard some talk that some people think divorcees, especially women, are easy. Some people might want to protect themselves from predators by not disclosing this to all. Yes, they run the risk of someone like me screening them out - but maybe they don't want someone like me. Honestly, there are enough non-married (single, divorced, widowed) people out there that you really can afford to use a broad brush with your initial screening.

Grindn,

The following is MY TAKE only and there are of course no "hard and fast rules". With those caveats, [NO :twobyfour:] here is how I view this...

If someone you view as a potential relationship partner (PRP) is divorced, they have an ex-spouse and an ex-lover. If they had kids together, they have to co-parent in some way (unless the ex has fled the scene completely or has lost all custodial rights).

Ideally, co-parenting should be loving towards the kids and cordially apathetic towards each other -- nothing more. I find it heartbreaking and so unfair to children when parents divorce. I know that if your S cheats and leaves, the BS has no choice and cannot be held responsible for the family's breakup. The whole situation is so sad and frankly, (not having kids myself) I almost never date women with kids because I do not have to and because I prefer not to deal with these issues.

As for the relationship with the ex, if:
1. There are kids involved, see above...
2. There are not kids involved, I wonder "why do you have ANY relationship AT ALL with your ex?" See below...

We all know Dr. Harley's position on NC FOR LIFE with a former-lover in an affair situation. Any contact brings with it the possibility that a romantic R may re-emerge. It seems all the more possible & likely to me that this would occur with an ex-spouse.

In fact, I wonder why, in a "no kids" situation, anyone would want or allow ANY contact with their ex-spouse? It seems to me that either someone didn't take their vows very literally [it didn't "work out", so let's be "friends"] OR someone is still hanging on/making themselves available for the possibility of "something maybe happenning in the future."

PERSONAL EXAMPLES

My WW/xWW has said/written at various times things like "I had hoped we could be friends or at least friendly..." & "know that I am just a call away..." I have made it very clear in response to her that "our vows were to be HUSBAND & WIFE FOR LIFE and I will not degrade them or condone what you are doing by EVER BEING YOUR 'FRIEND'; I will not be 'just a friend' even if/when the A ends. It is ALL OR NONE." I will never contact her again and I will never accept "social" platonic invitations from her under any circumstance.

I have briefly dated 2 divorced women (one had kids, one didn't) who told me "We are divorced but my ex and I remain good friends!" -- in each case it was said enthusiastically as almost a badge of honor. Even cutting the mom a little slack, Big for me! Why?
Did you leave/cheat on him and you are now trying to keep him close in your life?
If he left/cheated on you, why (other than the possibility of reconciliation) do you want him closely involved in yours?

I asked them about it and heard their (unsatisfactory) explanations--both were definitely too socially close to their ex's for my comfort...I didn't call either one of them for a 3rd date.....

Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Again, "single" status means nothing more to me than "unmarried". Assuming that if someone refers to themselves as such even though they are divorced or widowed, then they must be hiding something, imposes a judgment on them. You are always free to follow up with the question: "Have you ever been married?".

Not everyone is going to automatically adhere to your definition of "single", and I don't think it's fair to assume they would and chalk it up to deceit when they don't.

My current, full status is divorced and "attached" in an exclusive relationship. Still, in casual conversation with friends or acquaintances I might refer to myself as "single". I'm not trying to hide anything. You will often hear divorced folks refer to themselves as "single -again-". Where is the deception in that? The word "again" clearly implies a past M (or serious relationship).

Beware setting yourself up for feeling deceived by others when there was no clear attempt to do so. Sometimes I see on this forum in particular that people who've been burned by deceit in the past, will tilt at windmills all over the place. This isn't directed at you specifically Road - just a general caution and observation. It's important that we do our own due diligence on the people we get involved with as well.

As for SDCWman's points re contact with the XS... I totally agree. I have two kids and contact with the XW is required. However, I try to be very sensitive to my GF's concerns. She asked me early on if there was ever the possibility of me and the XW getting back together. I told her no, but more than that, I recognize that it will be an on-going concern for her. At least for as long as the ex and I have to communicate regularly. Over time, I have tried to assuage her fears and I do keep personal distance with the ex. I think she is involved currently, but I suspect that she would love nothing more than for us to be "the best of friends". I don't think she understands the need for boundaries and it's very important for her to be liked and well-regarded by everyone.

I try to inform my GF of any contact that the ex and I have w/re to my kids. I understand that my GF's fears can come back if the ex and I ever become friendly.

Firstly, I have NO desire to be friends with my ex, and I have told the ex this. I am willing to coparent with her, and I have expressed my willingness to work with her on visitation while she recovers from some health issues. Her good health is a concern for me as it relates to my children, but that's it. If we didn't have children together, she could fall over backward into a coffin and I wouldn't shed a tear or even consider attending her funeral. I wouldn't want her coming to mine either.

That's not bitterness speaking. I just don't give a damn except for where my kids are concerned.

very well said Seabird!

I also don't want either of my ex's back but need to be friendly and converse with him about our children forever and ever Amen. Such is life. I choose to always define myself as divorced because that is what I am. I live with no regrets. (And by saying that I am NOT implying that anyone on this thread is...let me state that before someone jumps in and assumes that I am. It is my own personal statement.)

Actually, Seabird, you raise an important point. The term "single" to me implies that you aren't in an exclusive relationship of any kind. It would be deceptive to have an exclusive BF/GF yet list yourself as single. This applies whether you have never been married, divorced or widowed.

List myself -where-??? Consider this scenario:

I'm having lunch with some coworkers. We're talking about making plans for the holidays. One coworker mentions having to travel to see his in-laws. He is not looking forward to it. I reply casually and off-handedly, "That's the nice thing about being single again. I don't have to deal with in-laws anymore."

Am I being deceptive? If so, how so? My point is there are several ways to view the world, and not all of them are mutually exclusive. We're not -just- unmarried people on the prowl for a new SO.

If listing myself on a dating profile and there is a choice for "Divorced", then I will of course pick that one over one that says "Single". However, I see no harm in referring to myself as "single" in casual company where there is no attempt or desire on my part to date anyone in that group.

Another example... Facebook, to my recollection, has no entry in the personal info section for "divorced" or "widowed". It's not a dating site, though I understand that some people do use it to that end. The selections are, again as I recall; single, in a relationship, and married. I am listed as "in a relationship" with a link to my GF. However, if I was unattached, would listing myself as "single" be deceptive, even though "divorced" isn't a choice?

Honestly, I really do think that some people are looking for dragons where there are none.

I am once-divorced. I routinely refer to myself as the single-guy and occasionally as a bachelor. Most definitions of bachelor state that the term refers to an unmarried man. I am an unmarried man. Most definitions of single state unmarried, lacking a partner, relating to the unmarried state, and egads, relating to celibacy. You can research these definitions in the standard places.

I might posit that it's an arbitrary judgment to restrict the meaning or bachelor/single to someone who has never been married.

I am a bachelor, I am single, and I am happily divorced, once.

Just thought I would put in a plug for the MNMKs. You may be missing out by not considering them as dating material. If they are over 40, they probably have baggage but it is light compared to ours. Since they don't have kids, they have time and energy to play with yours (if you let it get that far). Also ,there is no ex to deal with and the only schedule you have to worry about his yours. On the weekends when you don't have your kids, you can travel or just hang out. I go to BFs house when kids are gone and feel like I am on vacation!

Seabird,

I find the way you described your co-parenting "relationship" with your ex-wife (xWW, I presume) to be spot on.

My guess is that your current serious GF sees and completely appreciates that you:

1. Are an excellent dad and co-parent to your kids and
2. Have appropriately relegated your xW to the dustbin of your life (outside of her being your kids biological mom).

I congratulate you because I am sure that must have been very difficult for you and it should make your GF value you even more. I particularly loved your paraphrased description of "(other than her role as my kids' mom) I couldn't care less if she dropped dead".

It is sad that it must be this way, but if your xW cheated and left, she has received exactly what she asked for.

I just want to add my side of the NMNK scenerio...in my experience the NMNK men can't quite understand the time and commitment required for my children nor do they really know how to communicate with them.

I will agree that it's nice to be able to pick up and go when the kids are with the ex...it does feel like a mini vacation.

I can certainly see how difficult it is for now-D BSs who have kids. I feel really bad for those in this situation, one they did not ask for or choose, as outside people who have no clue make negative assumptions about things they do not understand.

As a man, I can say it must be hard for a NMNK guy to forsee himself in a serious R with an xBW with kids (heck, it is even hard for me as a divorced xBH w/o kids). The questions abound:

Do I want to deal (in any way) with an ex?
What is her relationship like with the ex?
Is she going to have time to date with kids?
Would the kids ever accept me as anything more than an interloper?

Tough for all involved...

These are all reasonable questions to ask yourself.

I personally have good-great relationships with my ex's. We can talk without yelling and sometimes we even laugh. I wouldn't call either on a daily basis just to talk but when needed we are cordial to one another.

My kids are older and can be left alone should I decide to go on a date. So time isn't usually a problem unless my kids have something going on the same night, which rarely happens.

My kids are well rounded and I've never had trouble with them accepting someone into our lives. I have had incident of a NMNK man not really knowing how to communicate with my kids but my kids were never rude or disrespecting to him.

Do I want to deal (in any way) with an ex?
What is her relationship like with the ex?
Is she going to have time to date with kids?
Would the kids ever accept me as anything more than an interloper?

SDC: All great questions. But, these are questions anyone would have regarding dating someone who is D w/kids whether you have kids yourself or not. You may for good reasons not want to date a woman w/kids. Lots of NMNKs or DNKs wouldn't want to.

But, to those people who are D w/kids who only want to date people who are divorced w/kids, you may be missing out....that is, if they want us! If you date a NMNK, you don't have to worry about the questions raised above. Just my .02. But, you are right Alluring...there could be other issues involved w/NMNKs. I just don't think you want to rule someone out solely because they haven't been married.

I agree--they are questions anyone would ask themselves about potentially dating someone w/ kids.

I do try to be open-minded about it (as I alluded to earlier) but, you are right, there are more mental hurdles to overcome. She really has to be a pretty amazing & extraordinary prospect, in fact, for me to seriously consider it. With rare exception, I am not very open to dating someone with kids and usually politely turn down such offers, introductions, and "setups".

I will date someone divorced (like my current gf) without much reservation as long as:

She does not have kids
She has been D at least a year
She has no ongoing "relationship" or "friendship" (nor seeks any) with her xH
I am confident that she was the BW and NOT the WW (yes, as soon as appropriate I tell my story and tactfully ask hers)

I think you have to do what feels right for you. The two year rule makes a lot of sense in that it keeps one from rushing into another distasterous marriage. But, dating isn't marriage, so go with what you think is best.

I know that I was in a tough relationship - a nice woman who had a rather needy and unforgiving side. I left the relationship. It was hard, but needed to be done. Now I just pal around with male and female friends and it feels good at this time.

SDCWman - Thank you for the affirmation and compliments. My XW actually wasn't a cheater. I suspected it and did a lot of snooping. I was a PI (Insurance Investigator actually, but I held a PI's license) and I know all the tricks. I never found a thing. It's a very long story, but I'm pretty convinced she ended up being what Harley calls a Walk Away Wife. Others here described her as having an affair mentality, but without the affair. The lying, the sense of entitlement, the constant need for affirmation, etc... Like any wayward, it was all about her.

I keep my distance now, not out of spite so much, but as an effort to self-protect. After we separated, she still expected me to do what she wanted and to help whenever she needed it without giving anything back. Couple that with the continued lying to save face time and time again, and I realized that I just needed to keep my distance. I think she's getting the picture and understands that I'm not going to help without some kind of compensation. She wants something from me, she has to be ready with something on the table herself.

For the record, and here's where I typically get 2x4'd around here, I specifically chose to date women who are NK. The NM part isn't as important, but like you, there have to be certain boundaries between her and her XH, and she couldn't have been a WW. Also, if she was the one who filed, she'd need a damned site better reason than, "It just wasn't working out.", or "I just wasn't happy.". That's a big, fat crock IMO.

I have a theory that women in general are more accepting of children not their own. Men have a harder time with it, and I think it's a biological thing. While I admire the many exceptions out there (my uncle raised his first step son, my cousin, as his own and showed him just as much love and affection as his biological son), I think they are just that; exceptions.

I suspect my lion analogy has worn out its welcome in these parts, so I won't torture everyone here with it.

Again.

Seabird, swing right back at those who offer a 2x4 at you for only wanting to date women with NK. You can date whoever you want and use whatever criteria works for you.

I don't have a strong feeling about kids like I do about previously married. On the one hand, I can relate to someone with kids as I've had my own. On the other hand, my DS is grown and I'm not currently under any time restraints due to kids. A good friend of mine is married to a guy who has other kids, and they have a kid together. His second youngest is only a few years (4 or 5) older than the one they have together and they get along fabulously. My friend thoroughly enjoys when he is with them. But the exW gives them nothing but grief. She advises that kids are no problem at all, but ex's are.

But everyone has their own preferences.

Another thing you could put on your check list is shift work. There's another thread going about somebody dating a shiftworker and having problems because they hardly ever see or speak to each other. I can relate to this. I might use it as part of my screen.

Thank you for understanding Tabby. You are exactly right - I'm only expressing a preference for what works for me. I suspect that some people view my preferences as a judgment on them, which just isn't the case. One of my reasons for choosing NKs stems from how standardized my state's visitation schedules are. Unless she's on some kind of highly modified and extremely flexible schedule, the odds are that when her kids are gone and she's available, mine would be with me. And when mine are gone, she'd have hers at home. Couple all of that with my rule about not introducing my kids to anyone I date until we're well established within a relationship, and you can see the challenge. Logistically it's almost impossible without spending a fortune on babysitters.

I have another issue which is an admission of my own weakness... I simply don't think I can be as good to someone else's children as I am to my own. I don't feel the same instinct to nurture a child that I didn't help produce, and if it were to ever come time to blend our lives, it wouldn't be fair to the other child. In my head and in my heart, mine would always come first.

All that said, I've had some interesting email exchanges with the XW today. It all started off with her asking me if I could pick the kids up kind of early on Sat. Turns out a dog that they got from the pound a few months ago is more than she can handle and she wants to take it back. There's so much that I disagree with about this, it would take a thread of it's very own. One of them is that I fear it teaches them the lesson: If something is too hard, it's okay to give up. She feels that they'd be too traumatize to witness her giving the dog up. I feel it could be valuable for them to see in terms of consequences. Maybe they'll all think twice about taking home that "cute" little doggy in the window.

Anyway, she was unwavering in her choice, but she did go on to speak highly of my GF. Though they haven't met, apparently the kids speak highly of her to their mom, and she expressed gratitude and happiness that I have brought someone into my life who is good to them.

I'm willing to take this expression from her at face value and not read sort of reverse psychology into it.

Anyway, she was unwavering in her choice, but she did go on to speak highly of my GF. Though they haven't met, apparently the kids speak highly of her to their mom, and she expressed gratitude and happiness that I have brought someone into my life who is good to them.

I'm willing to take this expression from her at face value and not read sort of reverse psychology into it. [/quote]

Too bad about the dog, a couple of months is just not enough time to get into a routine....but I won't go on and on about that.

I wanted to make a comment about your ExW's comments about your GF. I think that is awesome. I received an email from my boyfriend's Ex-wife about two months ago that meant the world to me - she just wanted to tell me how happy she was that she and I have a cordial relationship (we do) and how happy she was that I was good to her kids - that I treated them as if they were my own. I cried for about an hour after reading that email.

I hope you told your GF about the nice things your ExW said - it will mean the world to her too, I'll bet.

Laura

When people meet other people under appropriate conditions and get involved all "above water" (as opposed to "under the table" as in an affair), there aren't going to be any hard feelings by ex's or others involved. It's interesting because I'm dating a guy who is also separated (Canadian version so divorced to the rest of you). I knew him and his ex when they were still married even before their daughter was born. His ex is thrilled that he's seeing me. A lot of it because she knows who is around her daughter. In fact, she has even called me to pick her up when she was running late. If I didn't know better, I'd say she was matchmaking.

It basically illustrates what could sort of be a "second teir" screen. If the person passes your initial requirements and you go out and you discover you like them, how do you decide whether to take it further? One question I would definitely put on this list is, can I proudly introduce this person to everyone in my life? And, are there any circumstances under which I wouldn't mention this person? If there are, maybe it's time to move on to the next one before you start to develop an attachment.

Funny thing, WstbxH can't understand how BF's exW and I get along so well, while OW and I can't tolerate each other. It's pretty simple, actually.

Tabby, I can understand... a LOT! My ex's GF is good to my kids, and she is a good person. I do not mind her being with the my kids for a multitude of reasons: she is good to them, she is responsible with them- and her kids, she is conscientious, she is a .... DARE I SAY... a good PARENT. And that is most important! It is easier to get along with someone that is good to your kids, than fight about trivial things. And this is a good thing. I do not want to waste any of my time being upset about things that are beyond my control!

On a different note... I broke things off with the guy that was younger than me, but that I got a lot of my needs met from him. But, he just did not want the whole "family dynamic' (his words)... I was sad, but I told him bye....i did not introduce him to my kids or anything, just he was not READY.

So I wallowed in self pity for a day, and then I decided to enjoy what life DOES give me-

I have a habit of finding a penny everyday, and when I do I say to myself "find a penny, pick it up, find a penny leave it there, all the day you'll have dispair'. The thing is, I find a penny, almost anywhere, EVERYDAY. So everyday, I think about the good things that have happened to me for that day. And today, when I was feeling bummed, I came into work, and all of my managers were all excited about the dinner I was taking them out to. Then my maintenance guy had hooked up music for me, so that I could focus while doing paperwork... and it went on from there.... and you know what? life is what you make of it, not who is WITH you... and I realized, life is good. I have a job, a family and kids that love me, and friends, that love me. I may not be WITH anyone, but I still have a HUGE support network everywhere...

Life is good... just had to share!

TJ - -

Cinderella I keep thinking the same thing! Then again, most dogs I know are better than most people I know!

I have given up dating for a while and decided just to socialize and have some fun this holiday season. So far it is working very well. The one thing that I thought I would on these long cold nights is having somebody next to me. But, events have proven more positive than I initially had thought.

One of my criteria for dating is that the person must actually have availability to date. My standard in this regard with visitation issues would be at least one night per weekend, with visitation, at least one night every other weekend. Serious dating would require a more serious schedule than that.

Two types of women I noticed on the on-line sites:

-Teachers (I guess their's a dirth of available men in their work environment)

-Nurses (I suspect that their shift work and overall odd hours make having a social life very difficult.)

Darn, I like both teachers and nurses!

I've noticed this too.

I recently dated a teacher. I'm now talking to a nurse and a cardiac ultrasound tech that used to be a teacher, lol!

I don't know if this is because of the work schedules or it's just because those are the lines of work that a majority of women tend to go to.

Probably both

I think so too.

That's funny because most of the men online I come across are Law Enforcement...Police, Correction Officers etc. and Factory workers.

Mine: two in-between jobs, one considering retirement & one who says he is on the downward jobwise.

I reckon these people have a lot of time on their hands.

No wonder I'm gettin bombarded by women. My online profile has a picture of me at my desk.

LOL @ Betrayed!

I also get a lot of police officers. And people that are "going to school" except that their profile says that they are employed... I stopped my online dating a few months ago. I did not have much luck, but I was in a different place, not looking for M, and a lot of men seemed to want an instant R.

I was seeing someone for a few months, we did not have a lot of time to see each other, but we did when we could. It suddenly occurred to me that I REALLY, REALLY liked him, and I thought the feeling was mutual. I saw him earlier in the week, and we were talking, and he told me that he feels that sometimes I am "emotionally unavailable". Which I found kind of shocking, I asked him why, and he said that I had said it myself... Background. I had asked him if he thought I was, he said no... and all of a sudden, I was. So I put myself out there, and told him that I really liked him a lot, he told me that he liked me too. I told him all the things I liked about him, he said he liked me like that too. AS A FRIEND. I was like .... WHOA! He is all affectionate with me, we were intimate, and now... I am just a FRIEND. My heart just dropped. I said, "a friend, huh? That's it?" and he quickly said, "A really close friend." I looked at him, and said, "A friend?"

He then went on to say that we are in two different places in our lives, he is not ready to have a ready made family, on and on.... I stood there, my sails deflated.

So, I told him that I had to leave, and that he would not be hearing from me anymore. I wanted to burst into tears. But, I held it in. He thought I was kidding. I told him no, I wasn't, I liked him a lot more than a friend, and that since it was not mutual, it would not be fair to me to stay or talk with him anymore.

He tried to talk me out of it saying that he would be in touch, I told him no, it would be mean to me. It would just get my hopes up, and I did not want that. He told me that he really liked me, liked talking to me, liked being with me, we could just be friends, really good friends. (he was not talking friends with "benefits"). I told him that I had enough friends in my life, and I really did not have anymore room for just friends. He looked sad, told me he understood. He got up, hugged me, I hugged him, and told him he was a great guy, he told me I was a great woman, we kissed. Then he told me that if I ever, EVER needed anything that I could call him... if my car broke down, if I needed to talk, anything. I told him thanks, through teary eyes, but I would not call him. And I left.

I cried the entire way home (25 mins) called one of my friends, cried more... cried and cried.

I really liked him, and I really trusted him. Completely. And I do not just trust people like that. So I am sad. I know it is for the best, to end it now, rather than later. And it makes me sad that it was not mutual, I really thought it was.

But, my life is filled with family and friends who love and care about me. Even people that do not know me well... the day after it happened, I had to shovel, and I was sad, went outside, and my neighbor came over with his snow blower, and took care of my driveway, he told me to go inside. Which warmed my heart. The next day, I got a phone call or text from all my friends and family, asking how I was.

I am loved, and I am grateful.

I had recently stopped talking to other guys that I was seeing, casually, and now my one main guy is gone. I told my brother that, and he said, "well, you are just doing your end of year clean-up. Nothing wrong with that." LOL! It was an interesting way to look at it.

Well, the new year has started, and all is well on my end!

The last I heard from the one guy that I liked a lot was on Christmas, got a text saying "Merry Christmas" I replied, "you too!" On NYD, feeling a little sappy I texted him, "Happy New Year!" Only to get no response. It bummed me out, but it is better that it be over now, than later.

I flit between having a full, full life, that does not have room for anything else, and having a life that I would like to share with someone. I am glad that I do not have any of the R dramas that a lot of people I know... I like my independence. But, I also like having closeness.... I miss that.

I am sure eventually it will all work out. I am doing well, kids are great, job is great, friends are fine... I am lucky... and blessed!