Wow, haven't felt like this in a long time... - 02/04/09 08:26 PM
Last night the GF and I had our first real tiff. Don't want to call it an argument, because I don't think it reached near that level. Basically had to do with her wanting to come over for dinner. We weren't originally planning to see each other. I wanted to go on a ride, but decided to cancel that so that I could get to the store, and get the kitchen and grill ready. She said she'd be there by 6:30.
At 6:20, she called to say that she'd just gotten to the park and was going to go for a run. I (thought I) was annoyed that she waited until the last minute to tell me she was running late. I didn't AO, or chastise. I did groan that I wished that she'd called a little sooner. She seemed to be perplexed that it bothered me. I (again, -thought I-) was bothered by the inconvenience and the delay.
In reality, I was bothered that I chose to cancel my own plans to accommodate what she wanted. I took some time to analyze my frustration and realized this. Then I understood that -I- made the choice. She didn't twist my arm or hold a gun to my face. I could have easily said, "No, cooking doesn't work for me. I am going for my ride. If you want to bring something over, great." Instead, I collapsed my own boundary and then felt irrational resentment and felt petulant. "I gave up what I wanted to do to make you dinner, and you're still going on your run, blah, blah, blah..." I realized all of this as I was on my way to pick up Thai food for us.
I felt pretty good about that part. It was the first time I was really tested to check my own intent, and own my own expectations. I was able to identify it, analyze it, and get through it without any AOs, or DJs, or LBs toward her.
Anyway, she got to my house and she was upset. Not with me. She understands that she isn't good about keeping time and is chronically late. It's even an issue with her friends. I know this. I accept this. She apologized and felt bad. She doesn't like to make mistakes and felt like she'd really blown it with me. She was even choking up. I also suspect that she was feeling some resentment at me for feeling bad, if that makes sense.
So we talked for a while. I told her that most of my anger was really at me. About how I almost put my frustration on her and my near-miss toward feeling taken for granted. I think we got through it. We ate, watched TV, I rubbed her feet, we smooched, etc... She went home at a decent time because she had to be up early for an hour long drive down to Galveston. She had driven back and forth to College Station earlier that day also for an important meeting. I think her stress and tiredness contributed to her being a little more emotional than usual. That's what she said at least.
So this morning I sent her a "Good Morning" text. We do this every day. By noon, I hadn't heard back. So I'm thinking, "Okay, she was probably just in that meeting. But... She usually breaks for lunch, bathroom, whatever, by now...".
Then by 1pm, I sent her another asking if she was still in Galv, and if she'd gotten my earlier text. Still nothing...
Uh, oh... I got this old feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something I used to get back when I was single the first time and dating. The sense that something -changed-. No matter how well things are going during the good times, that first disagreement can be a milestone. If you can get through it okay, great! If not, it can mean the end of the R. I was wondering if I was going to get the old, somber sounding, "We need to talk..." call or email later.
Soon after though, I got a reply text. She just got my earlier ones and she was having a whirlwind day and she'd call me later. She ended it with an affectionate farewell. So everything is fine after all. She really was just busy.
I told her a while back that my D left me with a little scar tissue. She gave me a funny look and said, "You know I'm not her, right?" By "her" she meant my XW. I told the GF that it was a good thing. It serves as a reminder to -me- not to go back to my old ways. It keeps me mindful of my own behaviors. From getting too complacent and taking her for granted.
Anyway, it was just an interesting experience. Being tested in the R, taking the moment to understand my reaction, choosing not to react in a negative way, and then dealing with the insecure fallout the next day from a coincidental event that could have really reaggravated yesterday's events...
I'm proud of myself. This stuff really does work.
At 6:20, she called to say that she'd just gotten to the park and was going to go for a run. I (thought I) was annoyed that she waited until the last minute to tell me she was running late. I didn't AO, or chastise. I did groan that I wished that she'd called a little sooner. She seemed to be perplexed that it bothered me. I (again, -thought I-) was bothered by the inconvenience and the delay.
In reality, I was bothered that I chose to cancel my own plans to accommodate what she wanted. I took some time to analyze my frustration and realized this. Then I understood that -I- made the choice. She didn't twist my arm or hold a gun to my face. I could have easily said, "No, cooking doesn't work for me. I am going for my ride. If you want to bring something over, great." Instead, I collapsed my own boundary and then felt irrational resentment and felt petulant. "I gave up what I wanted to do to make you dinner, and you're still going on your run, blah, blah, blah..." I realized all of this as I was on my way to pick up Thai food for us.
I felt pretty good about that part. It was the first time I was really tested to check my own intent, and own my own expectations. I was able to identify it, analyze it, and get through it without any AOs, or DJs, or LBs toward her.
Anyway, she got to my house and she was upset. Not with me. She understands that she isn't good about keeping time and is chronically late. It's even an issue with her friends. I know this. I accept this. She apologized and felt bad. She doesn't like to make mistakes and felt like she'd really blown it with me. She was even choking up. I also suspect that she was feeling some resentment at me for feeling bad, if that makes sense.
So we talked for a while. I told her that most of my anger was really at me. About how I almost put my frustration on her and my near-miss toward feeling taken for granted. I think we got through it. We ate, watched TV, I rubbed her feet, we smooched, etc... She went home at a decent time because she had to be up early for an hour long drive down to Galveston. She had driven back and forth to College Station earlier that day also for an important meeting. I think her stress and tiredness contributed to her being a little more emotional than usual. That's what she said at least.
So this morning I sent her a "Good Morning" text. We do this every day. By noon, I hadn't heard back. So I'm thinking, "Okay, she was probably just in that meeting. But... She usually breaks for lunch, bathroom, whatever, by now...".
Then by 1pm, I sent her another asking if she was still in Galv, and if she'd gotten my earlier text. Still nothing...
Uh, oh... I got this old feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something I used to get back when I was single the first time and dating. The sense that something -changed-. No matter how well things are going during the good times, that first disagreement can be a milestone. If you can get through it okay, great! If not, it can mean the end of the R. I was wondering if I was going to get the old, somber sounding, "We need to talk..." call or email later.
Soon after though, I got a reply text. She just got my earlier ones and she was having a whirlwind day and she'd call me later. She ended it with an affectionate farewell. So everything is fine after all. She really was just busy.
I told her a while back that my D left me with a little scar tissue. She gave me a funny look and said, "You know I'm not her, right?" By "her" she meant my XW. I told the GF that it was a good thing. It serves as a reminder to -me- not to go back to my old ways. It keeps me mindful of my own behaviors. From getting too complacent and taking her for granted.
Anyway, it was just an interesting experience. Being tested in the R, taking the moment to understand my reaction, choosing not to react in a negative way, and then dealing with the insecure fallout the next day from a coincidental event that could have really reaggravated yesterday's events...
I'm proud of myself. This stuff really does work.