Marriage Builders

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I are going on 8 months now. Everything is wonderful but one thing bothers me a lot lately and in some ways I think it's stupid of me to even worry about such a small thing but in other ways I think I should be concerned and it isn't such a small thing.

It's that he has NO face book pics of me up. However, he does have "In a relationship and my name", and he also has me on his favorites on the side where he chooses 9 people, all of which are his family but me. To me though, you put up pics of people you are proud of...kids, spouse...girlfriend. He has about tons of pics of his kids up.

So I have told him about a month ago and again a few days ago that it really bothers me and that it is a big deal to me that he doesn't have any of me. He just seems to make excuses to me on why he hasn't put any up, including saying that he doesn't have any of his mom, dad, siblings, etc.... Oh and he does have his tagged ones hidden, but I do know he has a legitimate reason for that so that part doesn't bother me. I also have my tagged hidden too.

This is a man that has been so wonderful to me in every other way, done repairs on my house, has made sure I am a part of everything he does, introduced me to his friends, to his family, includes me in family get-togethers, holidays, and honestly, I couldn't ask for a more sweet, giving and loving man in every other wa...he'll massage my neck and back all night long, he'll drive day or night to me if I need him and we live an hour away. Usually if I say something bothers me, he does something about it immediately, but then he confuses me because here's something small that is important to me and it would be so easy to change but he makes no steps to change it.

The thing that I am concerned about is that there is a small inconsistency here on his part, and I don't have a clue on how to handle it. I have told him how I feel, he apparently doesn't care on this one issue...Why? And maybe I should approach it a different way.

Please just tell me if this is ridiculous or not. Am I just focusing on one small thing when there are so many wonderful things he does?

Thanks for the help.
Who knows - maybe he has a nut job ex wife and doesn't want to put up with the hassle of mutual friends of his commenting about pictures of him and you to the ex. It sounds like he's really into you. FWIW I don't have any pictures of parents or siblings either.
You should be totally honest.
Why do you care about your picture on his facebook page?

From what you described this man has demonstrated, through his behavior not just outwardly to others through words or gestures, that he cares a great deal for you. He has actually done for you in ways that you seem to appreciate and show his love for you.

Up against all his actions that show he values you do you think the lack of picture carries a lot of weight?

P.S. Thank you, Anna, for posting something to comment on. This board has been dead since it was down.
He doesn't want doods like me checkin you out.
I am wondering why I care so much as well. I think I am concerned that if he doesn't do this one simple thing when I tell him that it really bothers me, then maybe it is a bigger sign that if we marry, he will sometimes ignore the things that are important to me, and not explain why they are important to him to not do it... w...Or is that my own paranoia, because of things I have seen with my friends' marriages. For instance, there's one person I know who's husband was totally one way for two years until they got married and then changed after marriage. Now he tells her that he acted that way because he knew she wouldn't marry him if she saw those things. Another marriage, the spouse never shows much affection in bed, doesn't kiss her neck, etc. and over the years it has bothered her more and more, but I hear her often say, "Why am I focusing on this when he does so many other things?" Then she'll try to think positively for a while....

Well, gotta get ready for work, thanks everyone!

Nam, I had no idea the boards were down, I was wondering why no one post on here, it seemed like a ghost town last night. lol!

A
LOL Pariah! I should think more positively about this one little issue, instead of negatively too!
Maybe you're setting a bar for him to jump over to prove something to you.

I would want to understand why this is important to me first before deciding it must be done or it will predict something, only larger and more detrimental, later.

Honesty between you regarding your true selves will be the only way to prevent behavior switcheroos in the future. I understand that fear. Until you don't have that fear about a future mate hold off on the big relationship steps.
Good point Nams on trying to figure why it is important first! I am thinking today that I really must sound ungrateful to him actually...He does so many wonderful things for me! But then I think, I rarely ask for anything, he just does them on his own, this is one of few things I have asked for, and it's the thing he seems to ignore.

Also, I definitely will wait until I trust more on this issue but honestly, when I think about my friend dating for 2 years and not seeing many signs of a different person until after marriage, it makes me wonder if you really ever know a person until you marry them.

Anna,

Speaking from experience here...As far as your friend goes, I'll be there were signs..she just chose to ignore them.
Anna -

It's his Facebook page. It's his business what pictures he puts on it. Personally, it's a little strange to me when someone tells me their significant other told them what to put on their page. It's not their space.

He didn't have to say that he's in a relationship, and yet chose to do so. I have a friend whose husband talks about how much he loves her all over his page, on a regular basis. But not one picture of her. I don't know why, and he doesn't have to tell me.

If you keep pushing, he might start to wonder why it is important to you. He may begin to feel that you don't trust him, when he's done nothing but show you love and affection and support. He may start to get annoyed, and you may start creating problems in your relationship that didn't need to there.

There are no guarantees. There could no Facebook page to quibble over, he could be perfect in every way to you - and yet a secret gambler, a bank robber, and he beat up a girlfriend in high school. I understand your wanting to make sure he's Mr. Right, that he could never do you wrong, but that's a tall order, and won't be resolved with him following your instructions regarding his Facebook page. One day at a time - pick your battles.
Maybe it's the most simpleist explanation there is.

He doesn't want the other chix sizing up the competition.
Imagination,

I do see what you say about picking battles. However, on "his business", I don't get that. If one partner has an attitude, "It's my business." Then they are an individual looking out for themselves and not much of a team building a relationship together. I don't ever tell him what to do, but I do want a partner that if I come to him with a concern, and if it's something simple, he'll take my feelings into consideration and if he doesn't do it, then he communicates with me as to why. If the tables were turned and R came to me and said, "I don't understand why you don't have pics of me up." I'd put one up in a heartbeat, because I love him and never want anything that would hurt his feelings to stand in the way of our relationship, and I want to make him happy.

A

Quote
If the tables were turned and R came to me and said, "I don't understand why you don't have pics of me up." I'd put one up in a heartbeat, because I love him and never want anything that would hurt his feelings to stand in the way of our relationship, and I want to make him happy.
But that's a DJ. You don't get to decide what's important for him, or how he shows his love.

You DO get to be honest with him and let him know it's an LB for you. But it stops there.
Originally Posted by catperson
Quote
If the tables were turned and R came to me and said, "I don't understand why you don't have pics of me up." I'd put one up in a heartbeat, because I love him and never want anything that would hurt his feelings to stand in the way of our relationship, and I want to make him happy.
But that's a DJ. You don't get to decide what's important for him, or how he shows his love.

You DO get to be honest with him and let him know it's an LB for you. But it stops there.

Wow. I could not agree more.
it's beginning to sound like you're afraid of making a poor choice, as did your friends, so you are looking for something you think shows a lack of care or proves he's untrustworthy.

Have you decided this is a really important issue for you? And do you understand why that is?
Nams, I think you are right, I am so concerned with making a poor choice that I am stressing over little stuff....I just don't want another failed marriage! So with that said, I am going to quit stressing and put it on the back burner so to speak and just concentrate on the positive for now. :-) I don't plan to rush into anything and I have time. Thanks everyone for your help!

Originally Posted by catperson
[quote]
But that's a DJ. You don't get to decide what's important for him, or how he shows his love.
You DO get to be honest with him and let him know it's an LB for you. But it stops there.

Hi Cat,

Been thinking about your post this morning, and I have to disagree with it. While I agree that I can't decide for him...and agree we should always be honest...we are in the dating stage, and I need to go in with knowing that love may not be enough. Are we compatible? Will he be willing to meet my needs in the way I want them met? Does he have a stubborn side and I am ignoring little signs because he's showing me affection in so many other ways?

Harley has a meet top 10 needs list...On that list he doesn't say, "Well, if you decide you don't want to meet the top 3 because it's not the way you show affection, then don't meet those...just the others...He says "You meet his top 10, she meets your top 10...period."

I know a woman who's husband never kisses her on the neck and other small things that she wanted he didn't do...His answer to her request is, "that's just not me..." She knew this when they were dating, but because he showed her affection and that he loves her in so many other ways, she stayed with him. Over the 20 some odd years of an incredibly rocky marriage she is more and more frustrated...I hope their marriage makes it, but I honestly don't see it happening because she is so hurt and frustrated, and then he gets hurt and frustrated because it has become a vicious cycle of not meeting each others needs because eventually she didn't want to meet his either. What a painful marriage...and what a beating it has taken on their love...over just the small request of "kiss my neck." But it's what she needed!

From my own experiences, from siblings and my friends past experiences, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned is if a partner can't meet your needs the way you need them to meet your needs, especially in affection, not the way they feel comfortable with showing affection, then you need to run fast, because that is a very painful road for both of you to go down.

So thinking about it, R doesn't seem to be listening to me because of whatever reason, or even really explain to me why he doesn't want to listen to my needs and do something about it, even though it's just a silly statement I made to him of, "It hurts me you don't have a pic of me up." This to me, ,may be a bigger sign for problems down the road...And I think only time will tell if this is the case, or if it's just that we have only been dating 7 months and I need to give it more time...

Nams is right on her assessment of me being a little concerned that I may make a poor choice. It's only been 7 months, but each month, I come a little closer to thinking that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, but I know that once that decisions made and I marry, it will take a lot to ever consider divorce, even if I end up in a frustrating marriage, so I want to work out the kinks so to speak, and also not think about that "Why should I care if it's important to me about a picture on facebook? but Why should a man that says he loves me so much, be unwilling to do a small thing as to put a pic up, when I tell him it would mean a lot...I think the question is, "Is there a bigger picture here? Is this a little yellow flag that could mean he'll be stubborn in other ways and not want to please me in the ways I need when we are married? I do not want to be in a marriage like some of my friends and relatives are in, that is just frustrating because their needs, as petty as they are, are not being met...

I'm with the others; I'm not sure why you think it's necessary that he put up a pic of you on facebook. What if he put your picture up and that was it? Do you have other stipulations like it must be shown that you are his girlfriend? If he puts up your picture, then your photo ends up mashed in with all the other photos-just pictures of people.

I think I might have a picture up of my wife on my facebook account. There are quite a few of me with my kids. My facebook status says I'm married. I don't think my wife has a picture of me up...but plenty of the kids and her status says she's married to me. Come to think of it, I don't think we're even facebook friends and I can't remember the last time I got on facebook was.

I think you're over complicating things. You're setting yourself up for disappointment and expecting him to fail you at certain times. You seem to have an assumption that if X is done, then there will be a bunch of other things he isn't going to do.
Thanks KT for the advice.

Last night I was watching a sitcom with Sally Fields. Sally Field's character said, "Sometimes the things that makes us the most happiest in life are also the things we are most afraid of..." I think that is me, I am getting closer and closer to knowing he's the one, and I am just getting a little cold feet, looking with a microscope for something that could be a sign that he's not the one...he does make me so happy, and that scares me.
Anna,

I had a couple thoughts. First is that it seems like this can be POJA'd in a way. I see it as a legimiated need to have your SO to show others that you mean alot to him, however, does it really have to be this way? If he displayed it in other ways, would your needs be met? Can you explain to him that it's an important need to you and you need him to meet it...one way or another.

On the other side though, I think the whole 'be yourself' thing has been taken a bit too far lately. I just don't think things like pics on facebook really need to be all that sacred. We shouldn't change who we are just because people want us too, but changing because you want to, or to show others you love them in the way they understand seems good to me.
Well, my H and I both have Facebook pages. My profile picture happens to have him in it. I've also got a few pictures of him in my albums. He has maybe three pictures total and none are of me. We do identify one another as spouses.

I'm not too worked up over it.
Originally Posted by catperson
You don't get to decide what's important for him, or how he shows his love.

Anna does not get to decide what's important to him, but she most definitely does get to tell him how she would like him to show his love to her. That is the basic concept of EN's - you tell your spouse what your EN's are and how you would like them met. True, they may decide not to meet them, but then you get to decide if you want the kind of relationship where your partner does not want to meet your EN's.

I think Anna is very wise to express her wants to her BF, especially now that they are still dating, and to ponder what it means when he does not seem to want to meet them.

Personally, I could care less about whether my partner would have my pic on their Facebook page, but I am not Anna, and what I think is not as important as what she does. If it really bothers her, they should be able to POJA a solution.

AGG
I read your post yesterday and it actually prompted me to log into my Husband's Facebook account and check if he had photos of me.

Turns out, he doesn't!

I don't think this is a big deal. I know his password and I can log into the account anytime I want--if he had some ulterior motive, it sure wasn't so he could pretend he was single. We also have the husband/wife feature invoked....

I think you're just worried. Don't make it your hill to die on--men are definitely wired differently than women. He probably didn't even notice.
Originally Posted by Anna2000
Nams, I think you are right, I am so concerned with making a poor choice that I am stressing over little stuff....I just don't want another failed marriage! So with that said, I am going to quit stressing and put it on the back burner so to speak and just concentrate on the positive for now. :-) I don't plan to rush into anything and I have time. Thanks everyone for your help!


I also believe it is fears of your past relationship that you are bringing into your new relationship. Don't make your ex the new standard for other men because every relationship will fail but you already are smart enough to know this.

Gg
Hi everyone,

I have been super busy through the holiday season so I haven't been on to read lately. I appreciate everything everyone has said. Even on some of the things I disagree with, oddly as this may sound that advice even helps me!

AGG, you are dead on and said things that I was feeling but didn't put in to words.

Oddly though, for whatever reason, the facebook pic doesn't matter any more. Perhaps it will again in the future, but right now I am just so in love with this man, and I think some day, in his time, my pic will be up there. :-)

Later guys and thanks again!
I guess you should ask yourself why it is important that there are no pictures of you there.

I imagine that you are wondering if he is trying to "hide" you from the public.

Then when he didn't not respond to your request, you wonder if he will listen to other requests you have in the future.

Maybe explain to him what it means to you for him to have pictures of you up. Why does he put pictures of his kids up? So people can see what they are up to. Ask him why know pictures of you?
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