I've t/j'd DKD's thread enough, so thought I'd create my own dating thread.

Me dating. Wow now that is weird.

OH, I read your post to me asking why religion is no longer number one on my list of requirements. I read that and thought, she is right, I'm being foolish and need to break this off. Then he calls me to remind me to make sure my vehicle can handle some frigid temps coming our way. And he tells me that he has offered one of his vehicles on loan to a friend back home who totaled her vehicle with liability only on it. He is interested in my day. He thinks it rocks that I have the gumption to homeschool...He talks about me to every one.

And after a while I can't remember why religion is so important.

I think you should just slow down SW. No one told you not to date this guy. Just go in eyes wide open. And take it slow.

If you can't take it slow then you should probably step back.

But what do I know? I didn't date a whole lot of different guys before I met H and I've been married for 21 years and have never been through a divorce.

We aren't even in the same state at the moment. I dont' even know when I will see him again. And yet...feels fast. The emotions are powerful on both sides.

Stepping back at this point would involve stopping the texting and phone calls...and computer chat.

OH, I DO want to hear it...I want to hear what you think...WHY no warm fuzzie feelings...

Let's see, you're divorced a month, him about 3 months. You won't like to hear what I have to say either, but I can pretty much promise you that you two are an accident waiting to happen . The over-involvement (is that a word?) from both of you comes through very loud and clear. No, it is not healthy for him to be obsessed about every detail of your day and to be telling everyone about it - not at this point. Your apparent willingness to drop the religion incompatibility just because he is attentive to you also speaks volumes.

You two sound like most people fresh from divorce - not whole and not healed. Which is fine - we've all BTDT. But with each of you half-healed, you each feel that the other one will complete you, will fill that void and that broken half, and it feels so good. But in reality, no one can do that for you, not in a healthy relationship. You each need to learn to be 100% OK on your own, and that takes time. Not weeks, not even months, sorry.

If and when you can maintain contact with him and yet be at peace if you don't talk for a day or two or three, and have that continue for many months, then you will have a better feel for where things are. If each of you is unable to stay away from the text and chat like teenagers, then I think you have a big .

I think you know all this, but are unable or unwilling to resist. Which is fine, it's OK to stay in touch. Just be sure to check back in after 6 months of this, and do not rush to anything until then. My guess is that in about 2 months you'll see things pop up that will make you go "hmmmm". To me, he sounds somewhat controlling and possessive, based on what you said so far. I give this about a 3% success probability.

AGG

SW,

I have read your threads and really admire how strong you were in handling your D. You are clearly a very intelligent woman and don't appear to be a risk taker.

Listen to this newly divorced young lady. Me thinks she is a pretty smart cookie.


This was posted on Christmas Day which is a little over 2 weeks ago. Such a short amount of time.

You are letting your emotions and the high of getting attention completely steamroll your logical mind. Be very careful here. You are smarter then this.

Mindshare

Ugh. I fear you are correct. Not the best time to try and break this off....with Wxh resuming or at least making public his relationship (gag) with OW and trying to bring ds into it. The attention from this other man feels good.

I get that! We all get that!! But, you need to think logically here as well. Don't let your emotions take complete control or you are headed for trouble. This guy might be perfect for you (or he might not be). There is no reason you cannot take things slowly. This is not a race between you and WXH to see who can get into a relationship first. Just take your time. Let your logic play a role in your decision making. Think about the young lady that posted on Christmas Day. Re-read her words. You will figure it out.

Mindshare

Yeah, I'm trying to slow down. Not easy.

Very funny thing happened last night....This man, B, was talking to me on the phone and we were both on Facebook...just having fun goofing off. Wxh was his 'Face Book friend' already....before he started showing interest in me. Well, B sees him on line and says hi to him. They knew each other from back home 28-30 years ago. Ran together. WxH is excited to hear from him....and B chats him up...asks him about the divorce...Wxh says 'we just stopped getting a long.' Gag. B asks him he had my phone number! Wxh wouldn't give it to him...told him to send me a FB message and ask me for it. Then Wxh asked B where he was and B says NY....Wxh says, 'I was in NYC around Xmas.' ROTFLOL...remember the lie he told to me about going 'hunting' and canceling his weekend and mid week visitation to do so? Well, OW XH was pretty sure they had gone to NYC together and he was DEAD ON. So hilarious that he spills the beans to the guy I'm seeing.....Well, then B begins to feel bad and outs himself....says, 'hey man, I'm seeing SW and don't want to keep messing with you. I think she is great in every way.'

Wxh tells B that I will 'dump' him because he is on the road too much. Whatever. OW XH says, 'ha! Why didn't you dump him when he was working all hours, and out partying with his friends and neglecting his family.' A joke really...anyway, we had a hilarious time of it all. Similtaneously, I was chatting with 2-3 other friends from back home and telling them what B was doing to Xwh......One thing that all this hometown socializing has done for me....let me really see for the first time that NO ONE likes my XH. They all think he is a piece of carp. Don't know why I never saw that before. He has burned so many bridges and no one really wants to be around him. He has terrible character.

Going home this weekend (ds will be with his dad)...meeting B there and staying with his best friends who still live there. He has sent an email to my brother---letting him know how interested he is in me. Brother confirms that back ground check has been performed via the underground network of small towns. Now brother and B are texting buds...:)

I'm trying to go slow...but it is difficult.

Sounds a bit too much like high school to me, SW .

AGG

Yep. It is hilarious. I know I'm acting 15. But in the most responsible manner possible.

You can lead a horse to water......

In the spirit of contributing to the board for others to learn and grow, I'd like to admit dating this guy and dating so soon was a HUGE mistake. I quickly developed pretty strong feelings for him and HE moved so fast it was scary. He already had us married and settled down raising our children together. He says (and tells EVERYONE btw) that he is in love with me and will do whatever he has to do to have me INCLUDING convert. Brother. What was I thinking. He makes me feel great, he makes me laugh, I enjoy his company, we have a long history of friends and hometown in common. However, the complications of going outside my faith are TOO much and I have broken it off with him.

A few days after I did, a mass was discovered in his young son's chest. So we are back in contact as he works through that and honestly I feel him slipping back into the mode of thinking that he is going to have me. I don't think it will be possible to be his friend--not with much contact anyway. I worry about him, pray for his son and hope his life goes well....but he seems obsessed with me and I feel I will have to break contact totally.

I had no idea how little I had dealt with the end of my marriage. Going mostly dark with my X protected me a lot...and I am getting advice (from here) that I need to stay dark....but it has allowed me to shove it back and not deal with it. When I found out XWH is still seeing OW I came undone. That on top of this man I was seeing has me overwhelmed.

So in conclusion...I would like to say...you were all right and I was wrong. So there. No dating for me. And certainly NEXT round will go at a snails pace.

And while we are on the subject I would like to know if any of you can tell me WHAT about me brings out the obsessive types. The guy who was Wxh's friend and co-worker who helped me with so much of my inside info while I was gathering evidence of the affair...even before the divorce was final he was so obsessed with me that he too wanted to convert, marry me and take care of me. I told him it would NEVER happen and he still was very persistant.

Then there is the XH himself who at age 16 decided he had to have me and went to great lengths to have me---including conversion and alienating his own family. I am not stupid enough to believe there is something so GREAT about me that inspires this kind of obsession. I now see that it is a PROBLEM with me....and I want to fix it.

Any ideas?

Wow. Who did THAT remind you of, SW? You attract those determined guys!

But WHY?


And I guess you are saying this guy reminds you of my XH?

SW, ask some of your closest friends, preferably some brutally honest ones, if they think you put out a 'damsel in distress' vibe. If there's something about you that says, "Take care of me."

I would also look at whether or not you convey that you are so naive about life outside the church that you are easy pickings for a predatory man; as in assuming that someone who is of your faith must be a noble person simply for their commitment (however shallow it may be) to the church.

I'm not saying that you are any of those things, just some things to think on.

Have you considered narrowing down your choices to only men who are already of your faith?

Perhaps you feel more comfortable dating guys that are obvious about how they feel rather than having to wait and see how things to develop. It might be less scary to you if they seem already invested up front.

I would like to caution you about dating men associated with your xh. It seems like this could be a way to continue to hang on to the xh rather than a way to find someone else that you fit well with.

I'd say if you've come across three guys with this same obsessive type attraction to you, then yeah...you might want to consider you are putting out some kind of vibe, as CWMI suggested.

I also agree wiht Nomader.

And of course, when in doubt, revert back to rule #1.

DON'T DATE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR FOLLOWING DIVORCE!

Use this time to do some inner reflection and just enjoy some personal growth. You deserve it.

Oh yes! I have renewed my determination to NOT date any men outside of my faith. I guess if *I* am stronger I won't have to worry about the man outside of my faith that is determined to have me whatever the cost.

Ok, you've nailed it. I have been thinking about this since I posted the question. I DO like the attention. And I am impatient by nature. I like the feeling of things moving quickly---but that is like a bad drug. I have got to take some definitive steps to avoid these types of relationships. A simple conversation to catch up on old times can quickly turn personal---bad boundaries? It seems once I was no longer married I didn't understand how to form new boundaries for myself....I knew the old (married) ones were no longer necessary, but didn't recognize that boundaries are still necessary.

A mutual friend (of my faith) introduced me to a man (of my faith) via email. He was very pleasant, but VERY slow moving. An email once a week--no more. It exasperated me...I wanted to move faster. I see that now. And that is the same time period that I allowed this man from back home to wow me BECAUSE he moved so quickly. The one corresponding with me via email was being mature and responsible and trying to get to know me. I just dismissed him in favor of a man who wanted to devour me whole.

Lessons learned about myself---1)avoid men not of my faith 2)Appreciate the slow and steady pace of a calm and mature man.

I don't think it is the vibe I am putting out as much as it is ME allowing obsessive men into my heart because I like the attention so much. I have to think more of myself. I have to give myself more value.

So OH do you think the one year rule starts at the divorce degree? I am positive that I need space and time. Not sure how much though. More than space and time I need to be sure I do. not. stray outside of my faith. It will only bring me heartache.

I think it may be helpful to find other ways to get the attention and appreciation you crave so you can try to curb your desire to get that immediately from a relationship. Perhaps spending more time with friends, volunteering, or finding an intense hobby would be helpful. I know it is probably easier said than done but getting yourself involved in other things so you are busy will make it impossible for you to have the time for an intense few weeks with someone.

And remind yourself, the intense, fast relationship has less of a chance of working, two weeks of feeling really good is not worth two weeks following that of feeling really bad. However, a few months of having to exercise patience in letting a relationship grow slowly is definitely worth a lifetime of a great marriage.

Hi SW...

The first thing that came to mind when I read about your love interests was White Knight Syndrome.

Although I think you're a terrific and strong woman, with a ton to offer, these men may be attracted to your unfortunate past with your husband and your vulnerability (or what they perceive as your vulnerability.)

Perhaps it doesn't fit, but it's something to look into.

Wxh's Xfriend from work definitely fell into that category of wanting to save me and take care of me. This latest guy, not so much. He has little financial means, wiped out by a divorce and bad job moves...in fact I almost feel like he might have been attracted to MY financial settlement...but he also wanted to make me understand he would work hard so that I could be a SAHM and continue homeschooling.

So I don't know. I lean more toward thinking my boundaries are weak and I let things move too quickly and let men who show me immediate serious interest get into my head.

As I told my brother this morning....I'm going into lock down mode with regard to men. Focusing on
ds9 in general and specifically homeschooling
My spirituality
Generating an income
Friends and Family.

I'd also add this:

3) Wait, heal, and learn to be OK on your own before considering any new relationships.

Recall what I told you earlier :



My thoughts are that even if you find someone who satisfies your 1) and 2), you are in no position to becoming involved with them at this point. Just trying to keep you honest .

AGG

Yes AGG, I agree. I'm determined to take some time.....still unsure of that time frame though. Every one says a year, but a year from WHEN?

I don't think you can mark it on a calendar, SW.

I think it's more of a feeling of not needing to ask that question. Of being ok with you and your life the way it is. A man would add to the completeness of it, not be the piece that completes it.

I think that's when you'll know you are ready for a relationship.

SW,

Glad to hear that you have awaken from your 'drunken stupor'!! It was amazing to watch just how quickly (and irrationally) you were behaving for a short time there.

You are clearly a smart lady. No reason not to apply those smarts to a relationship. If somebody is telling you they are in love with you and want to take care of you in a matter of a couple of short weeks then something is wrong. I'd be very leery of this latest guy. He definitely sounds a bit off.

I don't tend to agree with some folks around here about how long you should take. I've heard people say that you should take 1 year for every 5 years of marriage or something ridiculous like that. I was married for over 15 years. I don't think that I need to take 3 years before I am capable of being in a healthy relationship. I agree with OH for the most part. I don't believe that there is a math equation to give you an answer to when you are ready. You will know when you are ready. It will feel right and things will progress at a reasonable and logical pace. Don't worry aobut it. You will know when you are ready. Or, you can keep posting here and we'll tell ya!!

Mindshare

I think the big thing is to take as much time as is required to figure out what went wrong, correct whatever you did (behaviors, choices, etc.,) and take the time to ingrain those new good habits.

Ask yourself what you really want (from a practical standpoint) this time around, emotions and hormones not to be totally discounted, but not at the top of the priority list now at your age and with a young son to raise.

Take care of your own needs (financial, good self image, building a strong support network) so that your world will never be turned upside down again. And take as much time as is going to be required to achieve those things.

You already know this, SW. I'm preaching to the choir. lol

That is a good description. I felt out of control on many levels. Violating my own standard of conduct and (not to be taken lightly) hurting someone else in the process with my irresponsibility.


I think he is a damaged soul, like me, in need of love and affection and a family. He thinks he can fast track to it...all indications (from our mutual friends) are that he has NEVER done this type of thing before...never fallen so hard so fast or been willing to do so much for another person. As flattering as that is, I definitely began to hear warning bells. And see lots of big




Will do! I value the feed back.

Preaching to the choir....funny. I have learned a few things....paid a big price for the lessons but nonetheless will take the lessons with me.

1) I have enmeshment issues with my mother. I am tentatively discussing this with her for the first time in my life. This issue with this man that I got involved with...I found myself in a state of total confusion because she began to pressure me so hard to break it off that I nearly DIDN'T just to prove somehow that I am a grown up. She is often right in her thinking and I value her as a mother and friend...but she is wrapped around me so tightly I can't breathe at times.
2)I herald full force toward men who show me immediate and strong attention and attachment. I ignore warning bells and I wallow in the high of it all. Must stop.
3) I absolutely DO NOT want to be married to someone not of my faith. Therefore, I will not be dating any one not of my faith.
4) Do not underestimate raging hormones clouding judgment---even though I should be smarter than that at 44.
5) Finding out that Wxh is seeing OW again/still rocked my world...I felt a huge weight of sorrow on my heart and mind. Cried for days...had to work through the fact that this is nothing I can change and I must just move forward.

Anything else?

5) - Of course it still rattled your cage, SW...you're still grieving.

I think that could very well be where the 2-year thing comes from. It generally takes, they say, 2 years to get through a grieving process, and a marriage is a relationship - a living breathing thing...2 years of holidays to get through, 2 years of missed anniversaries to get past...2 years of seeing the ex from a healthier perspective, doing things that make you shake your head, and coming to the conclusion that you did the right thing.

I think it's wise not to date anyone who isn't of your faith. It eliminates a lot of potential hardship, imo.

I can see how getting through a year of events without XH is helpful in the healing process. My D-d is early May. So I'm not so far away from that. I had really banked on having broken up the affair and now I'm disappointed that they are going to be together. I don't WANT him to be happy with her. But really who cares? I mostly don't want my son anywhere near her. I feel threatened....sad....rageful. Somedays that is. Mostly I am ok.

The weird thing is that the judge has delayed signing our divorce degree...lawyers both told us we were divorced end of November....but still no degree. We were able to file taxes together because of that lack of degree. I've never seen a more worthless judge in my life. He won't make a ruling to save his life. Basically telling Wxh and me to 'work it out.' Crazy.

I can understand why you would feel that way. I agree that it shouldn't matter if he's still seeing her with the exception of the contact with your son. Can you modify your agreement that he not be around her? Would that help you?

Why not inquire about the decree? Would that cause problems?

The custody agreement stipulates no overnight opposite sex guests when ds is there. He isn't doing that. Just introduced her and her son to ds. In his words, 'if she is going to be part of my life, she will be part of ds's life.' He even says he might marry her. So I have to let it go. Nothing I can do. I don't want to destroy my relationship with my ds over it. Ds asked me the other day if Xwh marries OW would it hurt me if he (ds) calls OW's child his brother. I told him, 'I guess not. None of this is the boy's fault. He is innocent just like you.' Also, the backstory on ds is that he has begged for siblings for YEARS. He has even begged me to foster or adopt. So I know this 'brother' thing has nothing to do with his feelings about me, or his feelings about the divorce or any of that. He just wants a brother. He is just a kid.

The degree? Well, my attorney and I have decided to let it ride because the 'non decision' is helpful to me at the moment because it allows me to keep the house for sale. Xwh wants it auctioned off so he can 'steal' it from me. I want the chance to continue with it listed at least until mid March.

I had no idea judge's could be so stupid. Seriously. Is that a DJ? LOL

You will be more ready to date when the thought of your ex and his GF don't evoke any kind of an emotion in you...certainly not gagging...that is a dead giveaway. Get comfortable with yourself first, enjoy spending time with your GFs, get involved in some things, maybe get a dog. You seem to crave some positive feedback from a man and it's important to know you don't need it, it's good enough to know you're great, just you!
Write a list of what you would look for in a person, what kind of qualities, character, traits are essential? What kind of things are preferential? Essential ones for me are potential dealbreakers if they don't possess them, like if they're a Christian, they're honest, have a great sense of humor, etc. Preferential would be they ride a motorcycle, or go camping, something I like, but not really essential, something negotiable. It's up to you to come up with your own list.
Then when you meet someone take a good look at your list, how do they fare in that department? If your heart flutters and they are striking out in your essential list...don't go any further. Hold out for the right one, it'll be worth it.

This man and I are still in contact and we have seen each other a few times. We have agreed to slow it waaaay down and things are much better.

I've worked through a lot of my grief about Xwh still seeing the OW...and oddly (or not) Xwh is having a terrible time dealing with me seeing this new man. I think he thought I would just be alone for the rest of my life---or something....I don't know.

I am doing as several on here suggested....just slowing down and paying attention to things that might bother me. I like soooooo much about him. He has so many of the characteristics I value in a man. He likes to talk and he likes to listen. He is interesting and thoughtful and kind. He is not shallow. He is not selfish.

The religion thing is an issue for sure. I've asked him to look into my religion on his own and see what he thinks about it. He has agreed enthusiastically to do that. He will be coming off the travel job he has in a few weeks and will be living and working in a city about 5 hours from me. That will settle things down for us considerably....when he gets settled back in that city he has things to take care of...and I still have the house to get sold and find a new house for ds and myself.

I am really struggling with discussing the relationship with my parents and my friends in my faith. I don't think my parents know I am seeing him....I can't bring myself to tell them because I can't stand the disappointment I know they will feel that I am dating outside my religion. It is very confusing because I honestly think this man and I could be very happy together. However, dating outside my religion is a HUGE deal in my religion and I am not sure I have the strength to deal with it.

My opinion, is that after divorce several things are in play. We want to feel desired, especially if our Xs left during an affair. We feel we 'have learned so much' and want to put it into action. I know I had read all the Harley stuff available several times, and thought I was the KING of HNHN... little did I know I was with someone from not only another country... but another world, so all my 'knowledge' was like a foreign language. But I just couldn't see. I felt like I just needed to 'cut my Ex out of my life and paste a new woman in the hole'. I remember thinking this consciously.

But while I was READY to date... I was NOT ready for a relationship. I wish we had a safety switch, which would allow you to date, dance, go to movies, dinner, etc. and have a good time WITHOUT all the 'feelings' which typically go with it. Like going out with FRIENDS but with someone who isn't really your friend beforehand. When we were ready to actually have a relationship, then we could turn the knob to 'ON' and we would then have access to 'relationship' type feelings. I dated about 40- women after I divorced and 'thought' I was ready for a relationship. But it was only over the course of about 8 months. And I was NOT ready for a relationship. When I met my wife, my head exploded, and that was that... I was a goner. But I actually needed about 6 MORE months just goofing around, instead of falling head over heals. Needed that switch in the 'off' position for that date that is for sure.

Fear, anxiety, ATTENTION, hope, etc all play a part in dating/relationships after divorce. Probably MUCH MORE SO than for those who have not married. IMO

SW, I've thought a couple of times of what to post to you.

I think I have a couple of thoughts.
1. How sure are you that you are in the religion that is right for you? I live near Amish. While you can't say never, they don't court outside their faith. It would not even occur to most of them.
2. As to your parents expectations of you. There are ways of honoringy your mother and father without being in thrall to them. The way I see the job of parenting is this. I'm the steward of my children. They belong to God and not to me. It is my job to protect them and raise the up in the way they should go. But it is also my job to make them strong so that they no longer need me or look to me. That way they can be good stewards of my grandchildren, and they will survive and thrive should I leave this world before them. IN other words, honoring your parents when you're a grown woman doesn't mean never disappointing them or doing something they wouldn't do themselves.

GG,
I am sure of my religion. Dating outside our faith is....like the Amish...we don't consider it....and we are shocked when a brother or sister does it. Maybe because I lived 26 years with a boy/man who converted to please and have me (pre-wedding) and then almost immediately dropped out, I see that life can be ok living with a non member. In my marriage although not ideal, it wasn't religion as much as his adultery and cruelness that did us in.

There would be no 'open dating.' If I openly admitted I am seeing him there would be a total no holds barred attempt to derail this relationship. If we married, my people would come around eventually. They would not be angry or unkind to him. In their eyes, he has done nothing wrong. It is my wrong.

I struggle with trying to please too many people. And even when I get to the point of thinking "I don't have to please anyone except God", I then look to my 10 yo son and wonder how I will explain this to him when I have taught him since infancy that he is only to marry in our faith. (Do as I say son, not as I do)

Things are quickly coming to a head though. This man is traveling for work now and it has been a disastor because he is not home enough to see his kids or me. He is coming out of that job next week and now needs to figure out where to land. There is my city. There is our old home town 90 miles away...where his daughter would like to spend her senior year....or there is Dallas which is about 5 hours from me and not really a school system he wants to put his daughter in. Daughter is fine with my city...fine with old home town....He wants to come to my city but I am terrified of that.

And it all comes down to me facing my people. I don't know how I can do it. What does that say about me? About my love for him?

He wants to marry soon....and honestly if I am going to continue a relationship with him I think we should marry...but I lose my alimony when I do and I want to be sure and all of that.

I dont know how to tell what to do. He told me the other day that one thing he has figured out about me is that I will suffer if it means I think I am doing the right thing. It has been such a complicated relationship that I feel relief when I think of ending it and no longer having to 'hide' seeing him like I'm 15 or something. But then I think about life without him and I get very sad and depressed and a little angry....

He is a very hard worker. However, he has nothing. Part of that is due to him walking away from his marriage with nothing and part is due to the very full life he has lived. Stunt man, racing....he has really enjoyed his life and I admire and envy that becaue I've always played it so safe. He has clearly grown up and is responsible now and he only wants simple things now like I do....but I worry.

On the one hand I want him to live in my city, with his daughter, and let us all get to know one another. I want to see how life is when it is real, constant...and not just him coming to see me every few weeks while ds is at his dad's. I fear we have romantizied our relationship because we have had no reality getting in the way. On the other hand, I worry that he might move here and I realize it is NOT to be and then what? He is in a city he would have not chose if not for the hope of a future with me.

I just don't know what to do.

So you are still married? It worked out?

He would pull his daughter out of high school SENIOR year in order to pursue a relationship with you?

I have a problem with this. You two are adults. It is her senior year. Those only come around once.

No. That is not what is going on. She lived with her mother until her mother was killed 4 years ago and the girl has been in constant turmoil ever since...due in part to his now Xwife and how mean she was to the girl (13 when he mom died). They actually divorced in large part to how the wife treated his daughter when daughter came to live with them. Last summer when it all blew up and he was trying to figure out what to do next his daughter talked him into letting her go back to the town/city she was raised in (when she lived with her mom) and live with her best friend and finish her last two years of high school. He allowed that. He now believes that was a HUGE mistake. She doesn't want to stay there now for her Sr. year. She wants to be with her dad wherever he lands.

Which brings us to his dilemma. Where does he land? He has to consider a)the job situation b)his daughter's senior year c)our future.

So no, OH, it isn't as simple as him saying, 'sorry dd, I am pulling you out of your life long school your sr. year to pursue a relationship with SW.' It is MUCH more complicated than that.

Yup, and I think given all the turmoil you described, it would behoove him to spend some time on his own, and settle down a bit. I am talking maybe a year or two; it would do him and his daughter good. You too, I suspect.

AGG

We are married, going through early stages of divorce. If I could have had more time to settle down my feelings, I think I would have had the where-with-all to walk away from this relationship before I got in so deeply. In all actuality, I DID walk away at about 6 mo. However, she reeled me back in, and in all actuality, after she changed some things, I went back willingly.

NO... it didn't work out. We were both, for the most part, REBOUND relationships. I had dated, but only one of all the women I dated, did we go out more than once. And it wasn't a relationship, it stopped at about 6 dates. It was good, because I had boundries and I stood with them. But when I met my wife, I buried my head, and refused to see reality, because I 'FELT' good being with her.

Be careful, because as you know, things WON'T get better with marriage, they will get worse. Drama increases and the worst thing is that you can't simply 'go home' and let it cool down. You ARE HOME and a part of it in its entirety.

Like I said... I was ready to 'DATE' no doubt about it. I just wasn't ready for a real relationship. When we are older or divorced, I believe we take each date as a 'possible marriage candidate'. I know I wouldn't have wasted my time going out with someone who, 'going in', I knew I wouldn't want to be with. But when we were kids/college, heck... I would have gone out with anyone who caught my eye. I wasn't worried, because I wasn't 'looking'. It is different as an adult though. At least for me.

One fear I have is 'finding someone' early, who seems to fit me well. I fear I will drop it, because I wouldn't trust it. What in the world would I think if the FIRST woman I met, turned out to be 'THE ONE'... HEH

SW, I don't know what to tell you.
I do know that you can't seriously teach your son to only marry within your faith if you yourself don't believe that.

I agree with AGG that everyone needs time to settle down, be without turmoil and get to know one another. I personally think having him be in your area would be the only way to really get to know if he's a good choice of husband for the reasons you pointed out. I can also see who it would very hard to handle the discouragement of those in your faith.

Yet, I think you need to deal with it. You said they'd try to derail the relationship. How could they do that? How much power do they have over you?

And lastly, I'm wondering if you've tried dating within your faith since your divorce. If going outside is verbotin, your church may have the structure to help you meet available men.

It is much easier to date when your family respects your choice. I personally would seriously reconsider anyone who my family disliked or disapproved of. Firstly because I'm very close to my family and I do not ever want to have to chose between husband and FOO. Secondly, because when I'm in the infatuation phase I may not see all the red flags. Is there anyone in your family or faith with whom you can discuss this?

You mean totally break it off? Neither of us is interested in a long term dating situation. We are not kids....45 and 47.

I am also very close to my family. They were aware I was seeing him around the first of the year but I broke it off with him and then started to see him again and didn't bother mentioning it to my family.

My FOO and my spiritual family do not know this man. At all. They have nothing against him---it is only the fact that he is not of my faith that makes them flip totally out over me dating him. And he isn't 'against' my religion. He is willing to go with me to services and eventually convert....he of course would be welcomed with open arms by everyone....it is just ME that will have gone against what we believe to be a Biblical command to marry only in the Lord.

I have other friends, outside of my faith, that know about him. Also my brother knows...and this man and I have many many many mutual friends since we were raised in the same small town. I can't find anyone who has anything bad to say about him. He is a man who has learned from his mistakes and really wants very simple things out of life. Work hard, be with your loved ones, eat good food, drink good wine and play when you can.

Interestingly enough he has a cousin that is married to a man who was raised in my religion....so he has insight into how it works....and the pressure her husband was under when he was dating her.

I love him. I think we could have a really happy life together. And I know my family would eventually get over me marrying outside of my faith....If only I could find a way to tell my family!!!!

Yup. Neither of you is ready for a healthy relationship. You are each other's band-aid, and that does not work out well in the longterm.

AGG

Sounds alot like hi school to me! Sorry but really , games like that are for kids, what's done is done, move on. Let the loser liar lay.