Marriage Builders®
Posted By: TrulyHappytoBe I Feel Horrible! - 04/06/10 07:21 PM
Hello all -

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this here, but I think it will make me feel better. All of you feel free to jump in and reiterate what an a** I am. I will outline below:

BF and I have been dating for 5 years now. We are currently a little "lazy" in our relationship, things are in a rut, and we are acting like the old married couple. in a nutshell, a little boredome has set in. OK, stage is set.

He and I have very active lives outside this relationship, so there is quite a bit of Independent Behavior that we deal with. I am active politically, and have a demanding full-time job. He is active with youth sports programs and our church. That's all well and good - but we do spend a lot of time participating in our own separate activities.

I've been communicating the best I know how with him explaining that I'm hoping that he and I both can get that "zing" back - and one way to do that is to start spending a little more time together than we have been recently. Not working very well I'm afraid. We spent a total of 5 hours together in two weeks time, at his family's house having Easter Dinner, kids and relatives also in attendance. Not the best situation to get the "groove back" if you know what I mean.

At the same time, I've been trying so hard to clean my house, and I am ankle deep in papers that I have to go through to decide to save or shred. In those piles, I'm finding lots and lots of receipts for payments that I had to make for my ex-husband for about 6 months after our divorce was finalized, because he did not remove my name from a car loan, etc. The bills were for parking tickets, past due insurance premiums and past due car payments. I had to pay them to keep my credit score half way decent. These payments were for a total of over $3,000. I sat at home with those bills in my hand and just cried in anger.

Putting the two together was like a perfect storm yesterday. I'm frustrated with how things are going with the BF, I'm frustrated with the lack of SF (I like a LOT of SF)and I'm frustrated with the past memories of how I got totally screwed by my ex-husband financially. Now, add a telephone conversation that wasn't going very well, and BAM - out it comes. I say to him that "our relationship now reminds me so very much of my relationship with my ex-husband". A hush comes over the crowd. The elephant is now in the room.....My BF says "ouch, that really hurt". Yikes........Never in a million years did I ever think I'd say something so mean.

I've since apologized to him on his voicemail - but he hasn't returned my call yet.

I feel horrible, I have every intention of telling him so, but in the meantime, I wanted to post this as a big warning to all to NEVER have a momentary lapse of judgement and let something like what I said fly.....it's just awful.

Ahhhhhhh, feel better getting that out there. Has this happened to anyone else?
Posted By: dkd Re: I Feel Horrible! - 04/07/10 03:54 PM
I can understand why that would hurt him, but I think what you were trying to say is very valid. It sounds like you're emotional needs aren't being met, and you aren't getting to spend enough time together for the relationship to really have meaning.

Are you willing to make more time to spend together in order to be with him? Perhaps you're asking too much to have an independent life and a strong commited relationship. Is he willing to spend more time with you? If not, what's the point of this?

In other words, how you said it wasn't the best, although it's valid to say you know what doesn't work for you based on past experiences. You have valid needs and you're right for not ignoring them.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: I Feel Horrible! - 04/07/10 10:07 PM
Sometimes there's reminders for this reason or that, but I've learned it's best to stick to the current situation and leave the ex out of it...after all, he already knows what you think about the ex so comparing the two won't have a favorable or desired outcome. I hope he'll give you a chance to better articulate what you're feeling...it's best stated in a positive way rather than a negative way. For example, instead of saying, "We never spend any time together or do anything fun, our relationship just seems boring!" It might be better to say, "We have both had so much gong on in our lives that we haven't had much time together lately...you are important to me and I really miss you. Do you think we could schedule some fun time just for us in the near future?" Can you think how each of those statements feels if you were on the receiving end? Which one would prompt you to want to spend time with someone? Good luck!
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