Hi everyone,
I'm back in the dating world and it is challenging. I signed up for an online service in hopes of meeting for quality men. Recently, I met great guy online and we have really good chemistry. We have gone on 3 dates but he hasn't initiated a 4th date. While I understand that men like the pursuit, is it okay for the female to pursue to a certain degree?

It is tough deciphering this man, especially if it seems like he's interested. It seems online dating makes one prone to dating multiple people v. dating one person at a time. How do I stand out? It's discouraging and competitive. Any advice? Thanks in advance!

ready, you can initiate the 4th date.

Start by calling and asking if you could plan the next date as he has done such an awesome job with planning the first dates, you would just like to reciprocate. This allows you to see if there is any interest on his part. Then ask a few questions for preferences and say that you will call back at blank date with the plans.

As you said it is easy dating online to be dating more then one person, he may be seeing others also.

As far as making yourself stand out. Ask a few friends to tell you what they consider to be your best qualities and incorporate them into your profile. Then be yourself and live up to what you have written.

I hope that this helps, remember to have fun and keep things in perspective!

Dawn

R2W, why not change the way you view online dating from competitive to having a HUGE pool of fish to fish in. Like any dating scenario, the chances are as you get to know the person, one or both of you will decide the relationship isn't a good fit. Which is why it's not a bad idea to date more than one person at a time in the beginning.The exception to this is if you are just too busy to go out on more than one date a week. Then it is impossible to date more than one person.

Going different people fits into the number one way a woman can stand out: She isn't needy or clingy.

I agree with GG. When I did online dating, I dated a lot of men. Just looked at it as practice getting back into the single world. There were some that I never would have considered dating, but did it just for drill. To me it was really a confidence booster.

Just wanted to add that I don't think there is much difference between men and women in this regard. I date someone for 2 dates, lots of communication and then it seemed to die off. Knowing that this is a strong possiblity, it'd be silly for me to investment myself that strongly right away...not to mention that I'd come off as needy. Not to mention that it's a confidence builder to be talking with several different potential dates at the same time, as already stated.

But to answer the specific question, I'm cool with the woman initiating contact, I actually prefer it since first contact is the hardest. But I want the reins from there for a little while, first couple dates. By 4th date though, would not mind at all is she planned something. It would probably come across best if there was some sort of event (concert, sporting event, etc) that you wanted to go to and wanted to bring him along. That would not look needy in anyway.

Back to dating multiple people at the same time, if you're like me, that's something new to you. It's not easy to just saying you're going to do it and just do it. I'm easing into it myself. I first got comfortable with conversing with more then one at a time. I was uncomfortable the first time I had more then one date in the same week, but I told myself that I'd cancel the 2nd date if the first went well. Now, I think I'd be cool with it as long as I wasn't more then a friends level with any one of them. Maybe that's the next barrier to crack. For one thing, you can't really be sure about someone by a paragraph and a couple dates, no matter how physically attracted and into them you may feel. In the mean, you may be turning away the right girl/guy.

Just to be clear, no one is suggesting anyone bed multiple people either individually or as a group.

Thanks to shows like Sex in the City (which I've never watched, I'm just guessing about), many people assume you have to sleep with someone after a couple dates. This is not the case.

I would definitely invite the man to do something. Not dinner at your house because that's too soon if you aren't sure about his level of interest. But, by date 4 or 5, men seem to what to know if you're interested in them. If they always have to call and always have to ask you out.... they start to wonder. Plus, treating to an evening out is a nice way to reciprocate for all the nice times you've been given.

One other thing to realize about the world of online dating is that you'll be excluded and excluding people based on criteria that normally wouldn't come up in another setting. For example, the desire to have more children, smoking, religion, and even income. I remember excluding men if they were too good looking. Marlboro men I kept, GQ men I tossed as too high maintance and likely to demand that I get manicures and eat rabbit food.

Finally, beware of the written word. Some people are very good writers and their style makes them seem very attractive. Others are terrible writers. My Mike was a terrible writer. I almost didn't go out with him because of it. I would have missed the best thing to ever happen to me.

And don't forget other online places. I found that the dating sites often have people who just broke up with an SO and are looking for a quick fix.

But I belong to two fishing forums, and have met people through those. It's almost like MB in that you feel like you know them. Went to a fishing tournament two weekends ago, and "knew" everyone. It really broke the ice.

Also have met men through Yelp.com. You read their reviews and get an idea if you have anything in common. People contact me all of the time.

I think I write fairly well in my profile and perhaps over sell myself. I put a lot of humor in there, and I'm just not always like that in real life.

Also, I find it easy to get sucked into wanting to date someone that's way outside my typical lifestyle, maybe fantasize a bit perhaps. For example, I may run across a flight attendant without kids who's really never settled down, very positive attitude, likes to ride motorcyles, etc. The idea of dating someone like that seems rather appealling, but the reality is that it would likely be a bad match for me. I'm not saying you shouldn't expand your comfort zone, but be somewhat realistic, and certainly don't pass up the ones you have a lot in common, chasing after the exotic ones.

DKD, I didn't mean you. I just remember talking to a man who looked so good on paper and in email. On the phone, he did nothing but talk about his ailments and illnesses and complain. Yuck. Another man kept a pet toad or two.

GG: You must have run into the same one I dated (once) a year ago! His ailments and mistreatments were unfortunately neverending, like our lunch...couldn't wait to get out of there!

LOL.

Wow! You must have been talking to the male version of my exSIL! Every conversation began with a 20 minute diatribe of what death inducing ailment she currently has.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post! It is so encouraging to know that you all have wisdom to offer me.

To clarify, I have been dating multiple men since signing up for the online service. I have met some nice men but most times, nothing extends past the first date. This is why I am so intrigued by this man who has captured my attention with good manners, looks, charm and good chemistry. We continue to text and last weekend since he didn't initiate a 4th date, I went on a date with someone else I met online.

Dating the old-fashioned way seemed so much easier, ha ha. I'm just trying to remain patient but it is so hard.

How do you avoid online dating burn out?

I still struggle with the online world of dating because it seems like the possibilities can be endless. How do I sift through the duds while keep the winners interested? Any advice is appreciated.

I am waiting to see the answers to ready2wait's questions. Years ago I tried the online dating scene and found it ghastly, shallow and draining.

Maybe it's because I'm not ready to resume dating (heck, I'm still married for another two weeks, still) but the online mechanisms hold no attraction for me whatsoever. Perhaps when I find the need for companionship of the opposite sex more a need in my life my opinion will change and I'll explore the option.

R2W, I think the sifting and sorting is just plain hard work.

Once you've got a couple of men that you think have potential, you can hide your profile. Even services that do the matching for you, like e-harmony, wil let you stop getting matches for a bit.

The other thing my sister told me is that people just take breaks from it. Dating can be work, and it's often discouraging. I remember I had stopped even looking at Match when Mike sent me an email. Another man had reached out too, and I had back-to-back first dates. If neither of them had worked out, I probably would have cancelled my subscription.

Fred, it doesn't have to be draining, ghastly and shallow.

I think a lot more people do it now, especially when you are out the second time around. If you can't or don't want to date someone you meet at work, and your church isn't big, what are you going to do?

The trick is to not take it too seriously. I had 15 or 20 first dates that never went anywhere, either because I didn't fit their criteria or they didn't fit mine. But tried to have a good time at least. Usually chose to meet at the beach, and walked down the pier and had some coffee. That way it is low cost.

If a man took me to a nice restaurant, then I would invite him for a picnic at the park, treat him to a baseball game or something. Tried to look at it as making a new friend at first.

If you take your time and watch, you will see the same people over and over for months. I eliminated them just because it seemed like they were meeting people but still looking too long.

Chances are excellent that you will find someone, probably IRL, and the dating sites give you practice and confidence.

That's what helped me maintain my sanity in the online dating world. I'd join a site and stay active for a couple of months. Usually during that time, I found someone with whom I became exclusive and thus stopped my subscription. If not, I'd cancel my subscription anyway, and do a house project or something like that, just to get my mind off the dating world. Then a year later I'd come back to it. It kept me sane .

AGG

Oh, I wasn't thinking that at all. I was just putting myself as a honest example. I put humor in my profile, and I can be funny. If someone thinks I'm just funny all the time, well that's not me nor who I want to be.

And I agree that breaks are good. Sometimes I just don't want to work at it, it's just frustrating.

One thing that I find rather frustrating is just coordinating the first date. I've had more cases where we agreed to meet, and then it feel through for whatever reason. I don't take it seriously, but complications at the first date just kills it for me. If it's this difficult now, what's it going to be later on? If I'm accomodating and understanding now, am I setting a bad precedent? Feels like it.

I was talking with someone through email yesterday and we agreed that we both wanted to meet. She's a single mom of 2, Dad's not around, so I expect there to be some difficulties in timing, but I can work with that. She told me she was going to try to get a babysitter for Thursday night, great! Then she emailed later that she agreed to babysit for a friend of hers, can we meet Saturday for lunch. I can do that, but I'm really not sure if want to. Not only do I not want to be a low priority like that, but what does that look like if I'm accepting that? and I know 1st date doesn't need to be priority, but it still sets a tone. Not to mention that, but she doesn't live close. Ugh. I'll probably still meet up with her, I'm just not nearly as optomistic as I was previously.

Thank you again to everyone's feedback on my online dating gripes. Overall, it has been a good experience and I have made some friends along the way. I need to change my outlook about it and take everything in stride. When I signed up months ago, I had the idea that I'd find someone and be on my merry way. I have more than 6 friends who found success online became married. For me, it's been a tougher process.

DKD,
I understand your concerns. It's easy to get optimistic about someone before the 1st date. I have learned to put my expectations aside when it comes to meeting someone online until I get to know them. It's hard not to get excited about someone you've never met but when reality sinks in with their kids, busy schedules, etc., it brings me back to reality. With that said, I think you should give this person a chance. It's a first date/ meeting, and it's a chance to meet the person and see if she's everything her e-mails portray. But, if you're going to be going out of your way (physical distance), then you may want to weigh that factor.

I also understand that you don't want to set a precedent for future dates. What has her character been like so far? Can you tell that she's interested in meeting you too? Or, is she making excuses? Her hints can be very telling.

I know what you're saying. I didn't mean to say that I was head over heals for her or anything, I'm not. And if this were the first case for this kinda situation, it wouldn't be a big deal. But I've ran into that several times already.

And yes, the distance is a big concern for me. I'm going to give her a chance. It just feels like a lousy start.

Along those lines though, it makes sense to me try and start communication when you know you've got time available coming up. I figure it takes about a week from first contact to first date, so I won't start talking to someone on Monday if I have my kids that upcoming weekend.

One thing I have realized with online dating is that communication will be swimmingly but then communication will sometimes stop without any rhyme or reason. Same with the first date...we'll talk about meeting but it never happens.

Does online dating create a flakey attitude?

I'm not sure if it's online dating or perhaps it's divorce in general. If you know how it feels to fall off the horse, you may still want to ride the horse, but much more hesitant to really giving riding a real chance.


edit: I should add that the woman I reference earlier is make a good effort today to make sure Saturday happens. I really appreciate that.

I think it might be divorce in general. Sometimes I feel like I live two distinct lives - Monday and Tuesday I'm a bachelor, Wednesday and Thursday I'm soccer dad, and depending on the weekend I flip between the bachelor and soccer dad. If your friend is a single mom, go easy on her initially with any scheduling SNAFU's. It's probably difficult for her to get a sitter and she had to call in a favor with someone to go out on Saturday.

Most times when I'm in bachelor mode, I just rest up. With two kids, I always have to play zone defense with them and it can get exhausting! I can imagine how haggard a single person who has more parenting time than 50/50 are.

It can be complicated. I bought two of Christian Carter's sets of CDs on this, it really helped me a lot. Some of what I gleaned was to just have fun with it, don't limit yourself, make sure you are coming across interesting and enjoyable, not needy. It helped me to make a list of qualities I look for in a person (good character, sense of humor, etc.) and things that would be nice but aren't deal-breakers (such as likes camping). Take your time and don't rush into anything, the more you date, the more you'll learn.

Heh...

I dated a woman, who on paper seemed like a DREAM for me. She was an artist, had horses and was absolutely beautiful. I contacted her and after a few emails I asked her out for dinner. She said she would like to see a movie, so I said, how about a matinee and then dinner.

I met her and over the course of the afternoon 6 HOURS NO LESS... I bet she said the word '$hit' about 200 times. It was the oddest thing, because she said it like some young girls say the work 'like' all the time, without it having any meaning at all. I noticed it within about 10 minutes of us actually meeting, (I picked her up at her house) then before and after the movie (luckily she didn't talk DURING the movie) and then for an entire dinner. I couldn't get that woman back to her house fast enough.

I don't remember anything else about her. She was beautiful, but I don't remember what she looked like. All I can remember is cringing every 15 sec for 6 hours straight.

Heh... after that, I always spoke to them on the phone before asking for a date. To this day I still think of her as the "$hit-girl"

I think the relative 'anonymity' of online dating and the lack of contact anywhre BUT online allows people to walk away much easier than otherwise. In order to 'meet' someone in another way, you almost have to have some sort of relationship BEFORE you meet, ie Church, work, gym, etc. You will MOST LIKELY see them again, so before you go out or ask them out, you think a bit more about the situation. Online, you have more freedome to say.... "Not for me". But that certainly doesn't mean you should be abrasive or cold. I would always send an email thanking them for dinner, etc. But that I didn't feel a connection and hope they find their happiness in life.

Some guys are 'afraid' to write the NO CONTACT email. But I think it is prudent and appropriate. You can be civiland gentlemanly while not having them wonder whether you are going to call or not. I think they are just 'scared' to say they don't 'like you'. And they shouldn't be, IMO. Just be honest and open. Say Thanks and move on.

Don't take it personally though. There are all sorts of reasons why a guy might not want to date you... hey... you could just have a repeating word that you don't recognize you say often.... heh

I appreciate all the feedback I received from my initial post.

My update since my initial post was that the man did ask me out again but I found out he was an Atheist which is a deal breaker for me. I know that I need to date/marry a believer so perhaps this all worked out to find out sooner than later.

I heard a saying recently, "Rejection in dating is God's protection." If I continued down the dating path with this man, it would have resulted in a lot of hurt because I know that I want to date/ marry a Christian. So perhaps, finding out this man was an Atheist early on was God's protection. Our relationship would have definitely been unevenly yoked.

Here's my question to everyone: I feel as if I'm being extremely picky this time around. Being divorced and having dealt with my ex-H's affair, I feel like I'm just trying to be very selective and careful this time around. As a result, I'm being pickier and eliminating a lot of men in the early stages. I refuse to settle. I am also waiting for someone bigger and better to come along which certainly is not the best way to go about dating and unfair to whomever I am dating at the time. This is quite frankly getting making dating tougher. Has anyone experienced this? If so, any words of wisdom?

Waiting for something bigger and better to come along is normal when you're just testing the waters and getting to know someone. So long as you're not checking out other men while at dinner, you should be okay.

Being picky is good. A lot of us wouldn't have come here if we had been picky and selective the first time around. No one may be perfect, but there are people out there that are perfect for me!

Have you read books on compatibility? I've ordered another one. I'm going ot read it and pass it along to my sister.

I did the online dating thing for a few months. I noticed that the better your profile picture, the more emails that you get. Profile pictures really matter. I was always good on emails but got nervous on a first phone call with basically a stranger. I went on a few dates. Most were nice guys but there was no chemistry. It WAS a confidence booster. It WAS good practice. It makes you think about how you want others to view you and hopefully reminds you to polish up a bit. I met my current boyfriend at work. We were friends before we dated. He knew that I was dating online. I asked his advice about my profile and my pics. He would pick it apart. It drove him nuts. He was always trying to tell me what was wrong with my next date. He didn't want me to know how much he liked me because we worked together. We don't work together anymore. Lol

Hi R2W, I'm coming late to this conversation but I was wondering how the online dating is going for you? I actually signed up for some online dating sites, but I�m too scared to go out! I flaked out on one guy this weekend, and realized it�s much harder for me then going out with people I already know.

Also, I think it�s great that you aren�t willing to �settle� this time. I�ve dated some of my friends (or their friends) and discovered I have the opposite problem- my ex was a �strong Christian� prayed several hours a day, studied his Bible for several hours beyond that, didn�t drink smoke or cuss. Most of the guys I�ve been dating say they �believe in Jesus� but don�t even go to church. And part of me feels like my standards are far lower now, because my way-too-high standards before resulted in only one boyfriend in college (my ex). And I just want to go out and hear how cute I am so I�m pretty much going out with anyone who asks (why can�t I do this with the guys from Match.com, LOL!)

Sorry to dredge up an old thread, but I�ve been away for a few months and now trying to catch up on all the posts�

DTC

It is harder with the online guys BECAUSE you haven't had the face to face reaction yet. I am experiencing the same hesitation. I feel too fat right now and am afraid that I won't really be their "type" once they see me in person. Men that I meet in person already have seen me, and, if they flirt, I know that it isn't an issue. The fear of rejection is what is scaring me a little right now. I am going to force myself out anyway though. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right?

I am just going to view it as a way to meet new friends. I am keeping my expectations low and pacing myself. I am going to practice for now (while I work my butt off at the gym). Lol.

SS2, you couldn't be as fat as I am and I still have guys showing interest, not all of them are about 20 year old figures. Just do your best and don't worry about it, think of it as weeding out the shallow ones.

I have gained thirty pounds this year! UGH! Anyway, you are right. My weight does go up and down. I try to keep it down but I am not always successful. All I can do is keep at it. I went to the gym today and I have been eating right.

I am enjoying the email and text flirting that comes before the actual meeting. I am supposed to meet for coffee this week with someone. If it doensn't click, that is okay. I will just keep on doing what I need to do to be the person that I want to be.

I met the most wonderful man on Match. after my divorce. We've been dating almost a year now. I think online dating is somewhat necessary for those of us who aren't interested in meeting men in bars, blind dates by well-meaning friends, dating in the workplace, or good at meeting guys at random places like the grocery store.

Tips - Never answer an email via your personal email account until you're pretty sure it's a person you're going to meet in person. Especially if your email address is comprised of your first/last name, birthdate, or place of employment.

Always talk on the phone at least once before you agree to meeting in person. You get a really good feel for whether you will like a person by hearing the voice, the laugh, the way he/she converses.

The first date, in my opinion, shouldn't really be a "date". It should be a drink, maybe even during the workweek to prevent overdoing it, and leave dinner optional just in case you need an out. Meet there, of course, pay your own way. And tell a friend where you're going/who you're meeting.

Oh - and after you trade phone numbers, google the person's name and number. I learned this the hard way, after meeting someone in person who seemed nice enough but happened to have a history of not paying a certain dominatrix for her services (she put his # on her website to warn others not to take him as a client), and a criminal record (white collar, not violent, but still).

And yes - profile pictures are really important! There's no use in putting a misleading photo out there. I'd rather the guy know what he's getting that way I don't feel embarassed when he sees that in the 5 years since that photo was taken, I put on a few pounds. And be picky about their photos too - A man should never under any circumstances post photos such as 1) self portrait taken in mirror with shirt off, 2) drunk, especially drunk with women hanging on him, 3) most close-up photos he's wearing a hat or sunglasses, 4) no good full on pictures that aren't hazy, fuzzy, and 5) photos where he's had to cut out, black out, x-out the woman standing next to him.

Great advice!

I would love to date more but I am just not interested in men that can't write in full sentences (at least initially), and spell correctly. Shortcuts later are fine. I received two pitiful emails today:

Pitiful email #1
"I need a glass of wine"

Pitiful email #2
"ur cute! r u married? can I get a ticket?"

Both men have been blocked from contacting me. I need more than that to get me out of the house!

I am going out for a drink with my new girlfriend tonight. It will be an early night.

Bwhaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

It reminds me why I'm not that interested in dating...

Why I will NEVER start dating again.

My GF who jumped into dating as soon as her D was final has become total disallusioned with the online dating.

She tried Match and met guys that could not remember her first name, ended up being players, lied about marital status, age, job whatever.

She then tried E-Harmony and the first 2 matches they made for her were -- Guess what 2 guys she dated on Match and one was seperated! Go figure.

Miss the old days of meeting guys in bars! But now I am too old and so not interested!

Unlucky for me, I found my H "trolling" match.com.
(He claims it was all innocent!)

Curently there are tons of commercials for match.com on tv now. everyone is a huge trigger and downer for me.

So I have been reading around, even by one sites estimates, up to 30% of male posters are still married! Egads!
They make it easier by not seperating the divorced/seperated categories.

I do not want to enter any site, even without registering I have had unsolicited "matches" sent to my computer in junk email. (zipcode, I am guessing)

This sounds like a hugely inflated number. Has anyone had expereinces like this? This would really turn me off to it. I would warn people.

I haven't had the hope ground out of me yet. I am willing to be open to new possibilities. I get out of the house. If friends invite me over, I go. I go to church. I talk to people at work. I go to the gym. I go out for a drink and listen to karaoke (and we laugh our butts off!) or a nice band with a girl friend (and enjoy the music). I'm signed up at Match and answer the interesting emails. I block the bad ones. I may not meet my next husband. But, I am having fun and enjoying my life.

Keep positive. Keep busy, keep your faith.

Good you are getting out there.

Have received some great emails and some ridiculous emails. The great emails turned into some nice phone conversations and a very nice first date last Sunday.

SS2, glad to hear it!