This is hard to explain, but I will try. Any advice is appreciated, because thankfully none of my friends nor my BF have ever had to deal with this.
ExH and OW have been married since D was final several years ago. He did try to get back with me right before he proposed to her, but with an OC in the picture as well as the lies, I just couldn't see it. OW is gross...bisexual, herpes, 4 abortions, H knocked her up, and she moved in w/H about 3 months after we separated despite LSA stating that this was not allowed. OW isn't someone I would ever be friends with, affair or not. I knew her before their A because she worked for EXH, and I had the same opinion of her then.
Although I see OW occassionally, I do not speak to her. If she is around, I ignore her. I have to deal w/exH because we have children, but I don't see why I have to deal w/her too.
OW has sent me emails apologizing for her behavior and I have responded by saying that she owes me nothing. That my ex-H was the one responsible; he was the one who should have behaved better.
I got another email yesterday. OW said that she knows I hate her, and she wanted to clarify some things for when I pick the children up from their house. I responded that this would be fine and that I do not hate her. She wrote back (she always writes back!)telling me that she does not want my children to grow up w/tension between their mother and their stepmother.
She then described her childhood... it seems that she is just like her mother. However, OW seems perceive herself as better than her mother.
Her emails are incredible. She talks about having a toddler in the house and being so busy. She doesn't work and isn't educated. My kids were three and two when she told exH that she wanted to "suck him dry". He took her up on it and basically checked out of the marriage. Since then I have been in graduate school and working full-time so I can afford to run my household. I guess I have no clue what it is like to be "busy" with a toddler underfoot!
OW writes about how she is a mother and knows how concerned I must be, but she will never hurt my children. I guess that means aside from wrecking their family. Maybe she forgot that she was already a "mother" when she moved in with a married man with children?
This last email said that "as adults" we need to be careful about what the kids are exposed to as they grow up.
I read these things and laugh out loud. An OW who brought an OC into my childen's lives is telling me that I need to be careful of what my children are exposed to???
If the email has something pertinent, I will respond. It usually two sentences. "You do not owe me an apology. The band concert is at 7", etc. The rest, I read and delete. I do not take the bait so to speak but it is hard!
MY BF says that yes, she seems clueless, but I should be thankful that she is trying. After all, the past is gone and it is better that the kids like her than not. My best girl friends say that I probably should not obviously ignore her. After all, she did do me a favor;I just didn't realize it at the time.
Should I respond and tell her that I will start speaking to her, but that her emails are so filled with irony and hypocrisy that I would prefer she not send me anymore?
For those whose exes married the OP, how do you relate with the OP?
Starving, I wouldn't respond any differently than you do now. I think it's perfect. This woman is trying to suck you into a relationship of some sort with her. You are polite but business-like. It probably drives her nuts that you don't hate her, and aren't part of the drama.
If you so much as explain that you'd prefer not to receive emails, let alone why, you'll be opening up the floodgates. I think she'd suck you dry as well. I can just imagine the emails and phone calls that would follow. And then, if you are kind, I can imagine the drama, intrigue and manipulation that would follow that.
As for ignoring her... I wouldn't do that. Be polite and business like. "Good afternoon, Lolita. How are you doing?" ... "I'm fine thank you." .... "Nice weather we're having. Oh, look. There's Aunt Sue. I really need to ask her for her receipt for marshmellow jello salad."
Tension between OW and Mom didn't kill me, especially since they never had much interaction. These days when I invite both sets of parents to a party, everyone is civil and even nice to each other, but you'll rarely find my mother and my dad's wife involved in the same conversation. Usually at opposite ends of the room. It's much more likely that having your SM and mother pretend to be friendly would cause stress.
Thank you so much. Your advice is perfect. It doesn't do me any good to be openly rude and ignoring someone who tries to speak to you is rude....setting a bad example I guess.
I will say hello next time. No doubt, I will get another email as a result.
I call my friends before I don't respond to laugh, and more importantly, to calm down before I write something stupid.
One time she wrote and there were two doozies. The first was "we should just respect each other and move on". The second, after I wrote the sentence about how she owes me nothing, said that it is "good we are communicating". That went straight to trash but it can be so tempting not to fall to her level.
My friend gave the same advice you did, saying OW has a disconnect and responding isn't going to be productive.
Yesterday, she came to our baseball game. After the game, I was rounding up the kids and their friends to go eat dinner when I found myself in a group in the parking lot...ex-h, two of his friends, and OW. One of ex-h's friends started asking me if I had ever been back to this resort we all went to together and I had a short conversation w/him. Ex-h joined in because he had been on that trip as well...this was before any of us had children.. OW was standing there but I didn't acknowledge her.
I wasn't openly rude this time (there was a group and I was on the outer edge),but I could have looked at her and said hello. Something to work on for next time...looks like there will be a next time since I have already seen her twice in three days which is some kind of record, but not one I want to break any time soon!
My advice would be to respond in a professional manner with her. She obviously feels guilty and would like to relieve her guilt but that belongs to her, not you. I would also advise that forgiveness is the best road to take but forgiveness does not mean you think what they did was okay...there are some good threads in here on forgiveness. It should be your choice as to how much interaction you have with her...if it were me I think I would tell XH that as the children are yours and his, you'd rather deal with him regarding them...after all, you did not choose to have this woman in your life. If your relationship with him is not tolerable, you might want an intermediary to pick up and deliver the children. You are free to ignore that which you do not care to respond to as well. Good luck!
Pep, That was great! Thanks. Those his and her tattoos on the video are a lot smaller than any of OWs! Not that there is anything wrong w/tattoos, I am just too old and squeamish. Not OW though, looks like she spent a lot of her $$ on tattoos or she was sleeping w/the tat guy.
Thanks for the encouragement too...I don't feel so cool, but Ii'm trying. It sure does get easier as the years go by. Of course when this started, I had little kids; now my eldest is babysitting.
KC, Thaks for chiming in. I usually only deal w/ex-H, and he is pretty accommodating. I think he knows OWs a bit crazy, but being the baby daddy, he took the path of least resistance and married the skank. It's not like anyone decent would have taken him unless he took time to work on himself, and he didn't seem to want to. He talked about it but never acted. He referred to it early on as a business decision.
When I pick up, I usually just call the children on their cell phones and tell them to come on out. It's the occasions when nobody has a cell phone that things get awkward. But thanks to you folks, they won't be awkward anymore.
Pep, That was great! Thanks. Those his and her tattoos on the video are a lot smaller than any of OWs! Not that there is anything wrong w/tattoos, I am just too old and squeamish. Not OW though, looks like she spent a lot of her $$ on tattoos or she was sleeping w/the tat guy.
I'm with you on this.
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Thanks for the encouragement too...I don't feel so cool, but Ii'm trying. It sure does get easier as the years go by. Of course when this started, I had little kids; now my eldest is babysitting.
You are way
And, if you're ever stuck with nothing pleasant to say to OWwife, you can always pull this one out of your pocket:
"Bless your heart" .... spoken with a whole mouthful of sugar.
Starving, I'd have to agree that you're handling this pretty well. I kinda think you're setting a good example for your kids on how to treat people that have done such damage to your life. OW wants you to alleviate her guilt, and you aren't doing any favors to her by doing so anyway. What she did will never be ok. Perhaps she can find a way to come clean and you'll be able to fully accept her then, but not before.
My ex didn't cheat on me, but she did get a BF we divorced. Some may say that I should just accept him. Never met him and neither have the kids. Honestly though, if I shook his hand when I did meet him, I'm not sure I could respect myself for it. I hope I can handle the situation as well as you have.
Thanks dkd. But let's not forget that I haven't been handling it great...I see her and ignore her. I have been rude, and I'm trying not to be. It's easy by email. I answer what I need to answer and throw away the rest. I also have time to think about my response before I press "send". I haven't said one word to her in person yet, and I am worried that I might shoot my mouth off and then regret it. But, if I am openly rude, I am setting a bad example...that's why I need to follow GGs advice. A polite hello and then outta there!
Just wanted to jump in here to say, as others have said, you are doing a GREAT job with handling this difficult sitch. Seriously! Just keeping your cool is VERY admirable. I'd even say it's GODDESS like.
Keep the emails to just business. 'Dealing' with the past doesn't necessarily mean discussing anything about it with the OW. You owe her nothing.
When dealing with anything relating to my ex's 'latest & greatest' I envision myself as my GODDESS persona & act accordingly. Not rude, but just operating on a level above the OW. When done right, without saying hardly a word, there is NO doubt to the OP or anyone else around that you definately are that step above in every way.
Didn't ya'll know that Southern belles are taught to say "Bless Your Heart" or "How Nice" with that mouth full sugar,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, instead of "F U". Again, if done right - it's obvious what you mean!
Thanks Bugs. The problem is not the emails. With those, I can write a lethal reply, laugh for a few minutes, and then send something that makes me look OK.
You gotta remember, it's not that I've said "hardly a word", I've said no words. Not even an acknowledgement of her presence. They've been married for several years. I have been rude, and I have to go from rude to "hardly a word" like you said, or like GG said, "hello" and then "goodbye". That's not rude. It's poise practice! I'll try it the next time I see her and let y'all know what happens.
XH had multiple affairs. The fourth was with my best-friend's sister when my kids were 2 and 4. He married OW4 8 years ago. There are no more kids but OW4 is step mom to my kids; we share custody 50/50 and they live close by.
My relationship with both XH and OW4 is professional. I think of it this way... I have co-workers, colleagues and clients that I don't like... but I keep things friendly and professional for the purpose of doing the best possible work. So think of your relationship with OWW this way... is the way you communicate now allowing you to do the best by your kids?
Are you demonstrating the communication and interpersonal skills that you want your children to have with difficult people? The way you handle emails is excellent. Are you communicating face-to-face and on the phone the way you think your kids should in similar, challenging circumstances? What would a better approach look like to you?
The biggest challenge I've had with XH and OW is with my H. H's XW is not in the picture, thank goodness, but as a result I don't think that H has a clue how important it is to remain civil and professional with Xs and Os for the kids' sake. H is very bothered that I could be nice and friendly -- I'm not friends, we don't socialize -- with two people who messed me and my kids over so badly.
Over time I've discovered that OW is actually a better person for my kids than XH is and so I communicate with her more than I do with him, for their sake. Phone calls are best for us. It drives H through the roof, so I do as much of it in private or from work as possible.
Years ago my ex H's new wife started calling me like she wanted to start up some type of friendship. One night she called me and and during the conversation I said something like, "Listen, EX is out of my life now and my life is very calm and peaceful. I really like it like that. I can not control what you and ex do when children are with you and can only set a good example and provide the type of environment I want them to have in my own household, and then hope you 2 do the same in yours. I am not trying to be rude but the kids are old enough to communicate when their games are, school events, etc and I hope you will respect this and not call or write me again."
When I see them, I politely say hi to both of them as a couple and not individually. If I see them separatly then I say a quick hello and no chat. Now my boys are young men and I know I made the right choice to keep the communication as small as possible with her and the ex. They have told me several times how my house is peaceful and their dad's house is full of hate, fighting and anger. Little by little they stayed away from his house and wouldn't even visit, and my ex and his wife became very little influences in their lives.
I wonder if I would have let her suck me into this so called friendship if I would have also got sucked into their fights and both of their chaotic life all over again.
I really don't believe in the "let's all be best friends for the children's sake", instead I believe that your children need to know that you will be polite to them both but you will also set your own boundaries as to how much you will allow them both in your life and you will not be a hypocrit and overly friendly to either party.
Taks for chiming in. W8ing, you asked questions about how I communicate "face to face" and on the phone. My answer is no I don't and I know it's not good. I did see OW at my children's school play and I though I didn't speak to her directly, I spoke to the group. She emailed and asked if I wanted pictures and I said "yes, thank you very much". Not much in the way of positive interaction, but better.
Anna,
I liked your response. My life IS peaceful and happy, and it has taken me a long time to get here. That might be a good thing to say, but only if pressed. I will speak politely to OW the next time I see her. I'll just thank her for the pics and move on.
Well I saw OW today at the park and said hello. Before I even got home, she had written an email saying that I made her so happy and that if I could forgive her it would be a huge step towards HER healing.
Thanks for the smile lildoggie! It was huge for me to speak to her and I was thinking OK I said 2 words that wasn't so hard. But now we're best friends I guess.
She talked about forgiving herself. She also encouraged me to respond to her email, but I didn't.
We all had to forgive ourselves for marrying bozos didn't we? And letting them father/mother our children? I started to try and explain. None of the responses I could think of sounded anything but snide, and I've already told her several times that, when it comes to her, there is nothing to forgive.
Anna, I tried your response too, because I liked it, but I couldn't get the wording right. It seems that if I just keep following everyone's advice and responding only to logistical questions that she'll figure it out. But hey, I said hello!
If you can stand XH, tell him that he needs to deal with the kids with you, rather than letting anyone else take that responsibility. That in and of itself could do a great deal in terms of helping along the lines of the open tensions between you and OW.
Thanks BOTM. I usually only deal w/ExH on kid issues. OW is the stepmother though, and I have to assume she'll be around.
She emailed me again a couple of days ago to invite my children to OCs b-day party. The party isn't for almost two months, and my children have always attended OCs b-day parties unless we are out of town. It just so happens that the children will be out of town that whole week at a lacrosse tournament WITH ex-H! So I guess OWs husband isn't going to be at the b-day party either. I sent a one sentence reponse saying that she was nice to check, but that kids will be in DC that week.
It seems she is looking for excuses to contact me, but if I only repond to direct questions and keep the answers short, she will get the message that we aren't going to be new best friends.
Oh for the love of God. Starving. Listen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping certain people who are toxic or not good for you at a LONG arms length.
Our society believes that everyone should be accepted, forgiven..blah, blah. I think it helps create the totally superficial, two faced culture that we really are today. It is not like this in many, many societies in the world. I think there is a certain truth that goes a long with that.
We do not have to like eveyone we meet, work with or know. It is simply NOT in our make up. We have instinctual safegaurds that guide us, but we seem to deliberately squash these down, think that they are "wrong" to show a good face in public. blah.
This dumb a$$ woman is not your family, nor your friend. She still to this day is occupying too much of your time and effort.
She took something of yours that at that time you valued FROM you , without hesitation. She is still looking to take something from you -your forgivenes. She still wants something from you- your friendship. You would not be a bad person for ignoring,disregaurding/ being disinterested in her, or her problems or marriage.
In fact, I think polite disinterest (of people that have or will take advantage of you) is 'prolly the healthiest thing you can teach your children!
Notice, at no time did I say fight with this woman. That is the oposite of disintrest. Please do yourself a favor and disengage. React to her no more or no less than someone you just met...someone you just met who slightly smells.
Barbie: Thanks for the harsh yet gentle wake-up call! You are right...she is taking up too much of my time, and I won't be talking about OW any more! When she last emailed me about the b-day party, I told BF abut it, saying why is she doing this? Do you think it's weird? He said just what you said, yes, it's weird, but why do you need to worry about it? Well, I don't and from here on out, I won't.
Anna, I read about your break-up, and I am sorry. Sure sounds like you did the right thing letting him go.
I agree...I try to be polite, but don't feel it necessary to respond to anything/everything just because someone else wants me to. My XH's OW has left voicemails on my phone telling me to call him (we have no children together, no need for further contact) and I just ignore them. She wanted him, she's got him, and I can live without their drama.
Please do yourself a favor and disengage. React to her no more or no less than someone you just met...someone you just met who slightly smells.
very well said. I don't know how I didn't think of that earlier given my lifestyle. Either way, props to barbiecat. Starving, sounds like you've handled this situation beautifully, now you can make the exH work for you as he can't use his puppet any more.
Starving..I think you are doing a great job. My WH is still with the OW. They live out of state, and my WH will be coming to visit the kids in a couple of months. My fear is that the OW will tag along during this visit. The kids mentioned when their dad comes, they will sleep at Auntie's (SIL). I definitely don't want the kids exposed to OW sharing a bed with their dad. Hello..we aren't even divorced yet! After repeatedly asking WH not to have the OW around the kids (at least until we're divorced), he kept doing. This was one of the reasons I moved back to my hometown. I know once we get divorced they will marry, but I hope I'm as good as you are at dealing with the OW. Keep up the good work and God bless.
Ex-h joined in because he had been on that trip as well...this was before any of us had children.. OW was standing there but I didn't acknowledge her.
If anyone should have included OW in the conversation it should have been ex-h. You owe her nothing but civility. As your children get older, they will understand any tension between you and OW and can end up respecting your behavior or being ashamed of it - right now you're giving them a lot of reasons to respect you!!!
cool.
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for her.
