Marriage Builders
We met on a singles site, relationship has progressed to the point of saying "I love you" and he wants to go house hunting. Yet he still has his profile on a bunch of singles sites, his profile says that he's single and looking for a relationship and I know that he responds to "flirts", "winks", etc. He says it's polite to respond to someone. I don't think he actually meets any of these people in person because he usually tells me where he is or where he's going. Should I be worried? Why does he do this?
I'd suggest you dump this guy and look for a better quality man who will be willing to have an exclusive relationship with you.

I also don't think you should be house hunting with a man you aren't married to. The fact that he is wanting to do this is one sign to me that he is not marriage material. So is the fact that he is still engaging in courtship behavior with other women.

Are you aware that when people live together and then get married, their marriages fail far more often than people who wait until they get married?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_qa.html

Don't get stuck with this guy. If he's doing this now, just think what he'll do after you get married! (Or live together.) Tell him goodbye.

And then pick up a couple of books from the Marriage Builders bookstore, like Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, and I Promise You.
Darksands-

I agree with markos but I want to add a few more insights:

First of all, although you met your BF on a singles site, you now know he is signed up on more than one "singles site" and still indicates his status as "single". This is a huge redflag because he still is acting like he is single.

Second, the idea that "winking" and "flirting" is "polite" is a bunch of baloney. Here is the definition of flirting:

Quote
Flirting is a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact


When a person is in a relationship with another person (and considering something as "exclusive" as moving in together or engagement etc) "flirting" and "winking" isn't polite...it's rude and hurtful. It shows a lack of commitment and a lack of care for one's significant other.

This guy isn't worth any more of your time. If you move in with him, you will be with a man who thinks it's okay to act like he is available to anyone (on singles sites, at work, in the local coffee shop etc).

He is still "active" on singles sites because he still wants to be "single" but have you on the side.

Thank you for your responses.

Please let me clarify a few things. I have been married three times, my boyfriend has been married twice. The last marriages were both long term - mine 17 years, his 10 years. Both of us have been cheated on before. When his wife died a few years ago, he eventually turned to the singles sites to find people to talk to and go out with. I think it became a habit for him.

He did take his profile off of three singles sites AFTER I asked him to. I found him on one more and have not said anything yet. He says that he does not initiate contact, but I know that he responds when a woman winks or flirts with him. He is very outgoing and likes to talk to people - both male and female.

I don't think he is meeting anyone in person, he is very accountable for where he is and what he is doing. He did change his status on facebook to say that he is in a relationship with me. I've read a lot about this on the net and the opinions are varied. Some say that it's disrespectful to the current partner, some say that it's just done out of boredom or the "thrill of the hunt".

Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing. I know every relationship takes work - not sure if this is enough to kick him to the curb. I know I'm uncomfortable with it and wanted some other opinions to try and figure out which way to go with this.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.

BTW, I was on this site ten years ago when my last husband cheated. The marriage survived, however the steps I took were fairly unconventional...this site helped a lot, but I chose my own road and it worked.

If the marriage survived how is it you're with another man? What, exactly, "worked" when you chose your "own road"?
I was married to my late husband for 17 years. 7 years into the marriage he had a "midlife" crisis that involved cheating on me with a 25 year old (we were both 40). He died last year, that is how I am with another man. Not sure I want to say what steps I took because this is a marriage builders site and what I did goes directly against what most of the advice here is (as I remember it) and it WOULD NOT work for the majority of people.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Thank you for your responses.

Please let me clarify a few things.

I read the clarification, and I can't see how it changes the situation. Willing to move in with a woman he's not married to, willing to engage in courtship behavior with women while he's moving in with a woman ... these are two very good signs that you can do better. Don't get yourself stuck with him.

Quote
Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing.

I keep counting at least two things.

Quote
I know every relationship takes work - not sure if this is enough to kick him to the curb.

HE'S COURTING OTHER WOMEN.

If that's not enough to convince you to kick him to the curb, what will it take? Does he need to sleep with other women to convince you? Physically abuse you? Molest your children?

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE.

I promise you, Ma'am, there are plenty of men out there worth your time who will give you a ring before moving you into their harem - I mean house - and who will not court other women while in a relationship with you.

"Takes work" - for dating people, that means he has an annoying habit or something. When he's fundamentally violating your relationship, that's not "takes work." Find someone where you can start higher up the scale.
Originally Posted by markos
Quote
Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing.

I keep counting at least two things.

I think you should hold off making commitments to this man until you can find at least two things wrong with him.

Do you own a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
That's pretty harsh.

If he didn't believe in marriage, he would not have gotten married twice. Neither one of us is a kid.

Physically abuse me or molest my kids? Please. That's a tad bit overboard. He does not sleep with other women.

It is also my opinion that there is nothing wrong with living with someone BEFORE marriage. I lived with my second ex for six years and was married to him for six years. I lived with my late husband before marrying him as well...and that lasted 17 years until he died.

Lastly, I am here for other people's views on this. Smartass comments like the last one you posted are neither helpful nor funny.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by DarkSands
Lastly, I am here for other people's views on this. Smartass comments like the last one you posted are neither helpful nor funny.

I see. You are only here for views that confirm what you already agree with. I will bow out, then.

But for the record, I wasn't a smartass until this post.
Not at all. I appreciate your input, gives me a more balanced view. Everyone has their own opinion about marriage - I respect yours, please respect mine.

I am more interested in why he does this...need to know from a male viewpoint.

Thanks.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
I am more interested in why he does this...need to know from a male viewpoint.

Well, my guess is he does this because he is still keeping his options open. IOW, if a good enough "prize" winks at him, he just might take it further. That is fine if you are still dating around, but if you are talking about moving in together, then he should have no business being on any dating site, let alone respond to winks.

I stayed on dating sites for about two months after first meeting my now-wife. But as soon as it became evident that we were an item, I removed all my profiles and never looked back. If I was involved with someone and saw them on dating sites, I'd be "un-involved" in a hearbeat.

I'm curious, have you confronted him about this? Have you told him how you feel about it? Being "friendly", outgoing", or "polite" is a lame-a$$ excuse, IMO. So I'd use this as a litmus test of your compatibility. If you do not see eye to eye on this fairly critical issue, then I think you need to reconsider the level of commitment that you have in this relationship.

AGG
Thank you AGG. I did confront him on three of the profiles that I found and he immediately removed them. This is when he said that he only responded when someone "winked" at him, he did not initiate any contact. He also informed me that there was a fourth one and that he had removed it (without my asking). I have checked since, and they all remain gone. I'm fairly good with computers (he is not), so even if he changed some of the information and put up another profile, I would have found it. He knows that it upsets me, and the last time I confronted him he offered to give me the passwords to his email accounts and said I could keep his phone.

This last profile I found I have not said anything about yet.


DS, do not buy a house with this man. Possibly rent but don't even put both of your names on the lease. If it's in your name make sure you can carry the lease alone if he moves out. No matter what, protect yourself financially.

Yes, he's keeping his options open. Which means you're the one for now... but may not forever.

DS, I'm also wondering about the time line. Your husband died last year, in 2009. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Whether it was sudden like mine or expected for a while, it's still a terrible hole.

I'm concerned that maybe it's a little soon for you to be moving in with someone. I know I'm different. I just this week got rid of some of my husband's clothes. I don't want you to pull a Queen Victoria, but do use a lot of caution. Date any man at least a full year before even talking about moving in together. And, really protect yourself financially if you're not getting married before he moves in.
Greengables, thanks for your response.

I am all set financially - I own my place outright with no money owed and if I do find a house with my boyfriend, I have no intentions of selling my place (yeah, at my age, security nets are a good thing...LOL).

My husband died last year after being ill for many years. His death was not a surprise and I did a lot of grieving for him and for the future that we would not have while he was still with us. My role as caregiver for him and for our children precluded me from having much of a life (I also work full time and own a small business on the side). I guess in some ways it is soon to date - but I felt ready emotionally, mentally and physically, so I did. My husbands death also reinforced the fact that we need to grab happiness when ever and where ever we can find it, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
That's pretty harsh.

If he didn't believe in marriage, he would not have gotten married twice. Neither one of us is a kid.
I'm sorry, I just can't let this pass.

My soon-to-be ex-wife has now been married four times. She has left each. And in my estimation, is now working on #5.

Oh sure, she believes in marriage, alright. She just doesn't believe in adult, mature, responsible relationships. Each time the "passion" fades and it comes time to be an adult, she bails.

Being married is not the measure of maturity and responsibility. If it were, there wouldn't be a need for a site such as Marriage Builders.

DarkSands, you've only spoken about your last --third-- marriage. What happened to the other two? You do know that statistically, the chances of having a successful marriage decrease exponentially with each, don't you? And what do you know about your boyfriend's past marriages?

I don't know enough about you or your story to advise you one way or the other. But the redflag redflag redflag suggest the bells I'm hearing aren't wedding bells, but the sound of the TKO in the boxing ring.
Hello Fred.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes people just don't want to grow up - it's sad, but true.

My first marriage was the shot gun marriage, I knew it wouldn't work before I said I do. But back then (in the dark ages) that's what you did to give your child a legitimate name. marriage lasted only a couple of years. Second marriage - lived with him for six years, married for six. I grew up, he didn't (hmmmm...). I left both of them.

Boyfriend's first marriage lasted about six years, she left him and he raised their son. His second marriage lasted eight years, he was with his wife two years before that. She died a couple of years ago. He took care of her for the ten years they were together, she had health issues.

He's not commitment phobic, for sure. And he is definitely mature and responsible - more so than many other men I know.
Guess I don't fit the statistics...
Originally Posted by DarkSands
He's not commitment phobic, for sure. And he is definitely mature and responsible - more so than many other men I know.
Not from where I stand.
What stands out to me is that if you have already told him that this is making you unhappy, and he has continued to do it, then maybe he's not in a place to offer you a real caring relationship.

I would talk to him again about it all. Have you asked him if he has ever read any of the marriage builders materials?

Someone can have been married for 30 years and still not be the kind of person its enjoyable to be married to. Make sure of that first before making any commitments. You can watch and wait for a while longer without it costing you anything.
Thanks Rosy.

I'm going to wait and watch as you suggested. Just trying to figure out if this is something that will pass on his part or is now a permanent part of the way he is. He did not cheat on his two wives, and there are none of the other signs that he is cheating.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
He did not cheat on his two wives
And you know this how?

What happened to cause his two previous marriages to fail?
I don't know why he would be doing this if he is totally committed to you. It makes no sense. My only thought is that maybe it's his MO.

You met on the Internet. Who initated your first contact? Did you wink or flirt w/him first, or was it the other way around?

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Be wary of anyone who lies to you.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
he still has his profile on a bunch of singles sites, his profile says that he's single and looking for a relationship and I know that he responds to "flirts", "winks", etc.

Well, IMO, he is no position to be house hunting with you.

AGG
Originally Posted by DarkSands
We met on a singles site, relationship has progressed to the point of saying "I love you" and he wants to go house hunting. Yet he still has his profile on a bunch of singles sites, his profile says that he's single and looking for a relationship and I know that he responds to "flirts", "winks", etc. He says it's polite to respond to someone. I don't think he actually meets any of these people in person because he usually tells me where he is or where he's going. Should I be worried? Why does he do this?

I wouldn't be entering into a financial agreement with someone with whom I had no committment whatsoever. There is no committment here whatsoever. Nor would I ever, ever live with a guy unless he married me. That will RUIN the relationship because it sets up a renters mentality that will eventually destroy the marriage if it ever gets to that point. Renting is a month to month agreement, where he is free to move onto something better if his fancy so dictates.

Investing in a house in such a situation would be like offering to pay for new expensive tires on a car you don't own. You have no reason to believe you will even have the car next week. If he shacks up with you he is free to move on if something better comes along next week.

As far as him keeping his profile on a singles site; well, he IS single. And will continue to be single even if you do move in with him.

If you think this guy is marriage material, I would make him prove it. Raise the bar. Tell him you are not a rental unit and if he wants to be with you, he can buy the house. Set your price and make him pay it. If he wont' pay it, then you will know it wasn't meant to be. But if you come for FREE he will treat you as free goods. If he won't buy the house, then you will know he doesn't have a very high regard for you anyway, and should move on.

If he won't propose marriage, then you can move on and not waste anymore of your time. As my momma always told me, don't put out for free! grin
Originally Posted by DarkSands
It is also my opinion that there is nothing wrong with living with someone BEFORE marriage.

You must be kidding? Have you ever read the statistics on living together before marriage? They have an 85% DIVORCE RATE. 85% get divorced in under 5 years. That is because shacking up sets up a renters mentality that does not go away when married. Shacking up is a month to month renters agreement based on a TEST to see how well the other person does and if one person fails, the test is over. Living together before marriage is a DISASTER to relationships.

Dr Harley has written extensively about this in his book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders in the chapter about the "curse of living together before marriage." I would check this out before you immerse yourself into such a bad situation. Here is one of his articles about it: Living Together Before Marriage
Is there some reason why he won't marry you?
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Not at all. I appreciate your input, gives me a more balanced view. Everyone has their own opinion about marriage - I respect yours, please respect mine.

I am more interested in why he does this...need to know from a male viewpoint.

Because he is SINGLE and that is what single people do. He is not in a committed relationship so he is keeping his options open. Honestly, Madam, you are old enough to know better.
DarkSands, you now have more than TWO DOZEN replies to your question. Many of them (like mine) from guys -- as you requested.

Not a single one has given you the thumbs up on this relationship.

Why do you think that is?
Fred, his first wife drank and left him. He raised his son six he was six (he is now 21). His second wife died. Can't quite call that a failure.
Thanks for your response Starving.
Actually, he initiated the first contact with me.

I can understand why you might want to defend your boyfriend. It's a natural tendency. But you don't seem to be heeding the feedback you're getting.

If you don't want to hear what we are saying, why are you here?
Fred, I am reading what people write and evaluating the input. If I did not want to hear what you are saying then I would not be here.

Do I have to heed the feedback and dump my boyfriend immediately because y'all think I should? No. I will weigh the feedback and make my own decisions, thanks.

That does not mean that I don't appreciate what people post.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Do I have to heed the feedback and dump my boyfriend immediately because y'all think I should?

I don't think that Fred was asking you to take the advice and run with it "no questions asked", I think he was wondering if you had any feedback on our feedback smile. IOW, what do you think about the feedback you got so far? Is it off the mark? Does it mostly make sense? Stuff like that...

AGG

Originally Posted by DarkSands
he only responded when someone "winked" at him, he did not initiate any contact.
Well I am assured then, because that means he would only have an affair with someone who initiated contact with him, that's okay then.
You know, I understand that some of you are going through some really painful times (I have been where you are at before)...but comments like the one from Kay are totally uncalled for.

How nasty can you be to someone who comes and asks for help? What have I EVER done to you, Kay?

DS, K wasn't being nasty. She was following the scenario to its logical conclusion. His rationale of "I only chat with women who iniate contact" is ludicrous. It smacks of the cliche "Honey, what was I supposed to do? She threw herself at me!"

Here's the big question... what do you consider being unfaithful? Where is YOUR boundary? Is it okay for your BF to leave himself as available and talk to women who think he's in the market? What about if he's a live-in boyfriend? If it's okay for him to IM or email a woman who thinks he's looking for a girlfriend, is it okay for him to talk on the phone? What about meet in person? Does it matter if the woman invites him versus him inviting her? These are only things you can decide.


Yup, sometimes it's hard to understand print-only conversation.

If the boyfriend is 'only chatting' with women who initiate it, he is making himself vulnerable. He is not honoring his relationship with you.

You know, HONOR!!! That word is usually in marriage vows. Love and honor your beloved. Forsake all others for your beloved.

Rationalization and blowing smoke your way is what he's doing. You could probably expect his behavior prior to your marriage to be a predictor of his behavior after marriage.

In the words of Bruce Cockburn....Canadian singer/songwriter, "The trouble with normal is it always gets worse."
Originally Posted by cinderella
In the words of Bruce Cockburn....Canadian singer/songwriter, "The trouble with normal is it always gets worse."
The same Bruce Cockburn who wrote "If I had a rocket launcher... some son-of-a-b*tch would DIE!"
(tj)Yes! He's kinda awesome! But not as awesome as Leonard Cohen.(/tj)

back to business....sorry 'bout that. Just don't find many people who know bruce's music
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Originally Posted by DarkSands
he only responded when someone "winked" at him, he did not initiate any contact.
Well I am assured then, because that means he would only have an affair with someone who initiated contact with him, that's okay then.

IMHO, that's being sarcastic and nasty. I would never post something like that on here, considering that the people here usually have some type of problem with their relationship (yeah, obviously that would be me included). As if the hurt from the person you love is not enough...

Thanks GreenGables. At least you asked some logical questions. That's helpful as opposed to reading some of the other posts which are not.
DarkSands,
I knew you wouldn't like what I wrote but I'm trying to get your attention. You asked advice, you got it, then you argued it at every point. If you prefer to bury your head in the sand and get the consequences that follow, then go do so. We HAVE been there, we're trying to spare you, don't you get that? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to wake you up! It's much less painful to get a truthful comment from me than to go through what will undoubtedly follow, but the choice is yours, I think you've already made it...in fact, I think you made it before your first post here.
Kay,
You have to be sarcastic in order to get someone's attention? That's just sad.

I have no need to "argue"...just providing more information. Not everything is as black and white as you seem to think it is. And I am well aware of the possible consequences - IF YOU READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO.

I don't need you to "spare" me or "wake me up", thanks.
DS, I think the general consensus is you're wasting your time with this guy. We want something better for you. I'm 98% sure you deserve something better. And, I know you can't find Mr. Right if you're involved with Mr. Wrong.

I'd like for you to be dating a man who after a month or two, just tells you over dinner "Oh, by the way, I took down my match profile."
Dark, listen to GG! Ok. Do yourself a favor. Think about how you want to be treated and don't settle for less.
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Thanks GreenGables. At least you asked some logical questions.

I'm curious, how come you won't answer some of the questions we ask you? Like GG's above, or the ones I asked you earlier:

Quote
have you confronted him about this? Have you told him how you feel about it?


AGG
Probably because it breaks her denial bubble.
I wonder if she's related to bingo?
GreenGables and AGG:

I did answer some of your questions:
He knows that it upsets me, and the last time I confronted him he offered to give me the passwords to his email accounts and said I could keep his phone.

As to some of your questions AGG, I'm not sure of some of the answers. No, it's not okay for him to leave himself as available and talk to women who think he's in the market, and I have told him so. It's not okay for him to IM or email a woman who thinks he's looking for a girlfriend. I know he has emailed women, not sure about IM, but probably. It's not okay for him to talk on the phone to a woman other than the women friends that he has told me about. I'm not sure if he has done this or not. It's definitely not ok for him to meet a woman that he's talked to on the net in person. I'm fairly certain that he has not done this.

What are my boundaries? I'm upset that he has done these things. Am I upset enough to dump him? Honestly I have thought about it. I came very close a couple of times. While I cannot say exactly what stopped me, all I know is that it was the wrong thing to do.

This is not the first relationship that I have ever had. The past three marriages have taught me a lot, and one of the things I've had to learn over the years is a certain amount of tolerance for the differences between two people. Two people don't always view things in the same way - and for some of the people who post here: not everything is as black/white as you make it out to be. I don't think he views what he does as wrong, as being unfaithful, as being dishonorable. I think he sees it as protecting himself to a degree and has a "you can look as long as you don't touch" view towards it. And yes, that bothers me. Because I don't look at it the same way - I would not do this to him or any other man that I was committed to.

So - perhaps you're right, he's keeping his options open. He's had two fairly bad marriages. Maybe he does not feel quite safe enough with me to let the "flirting" go yet. Does that mean he won't ever? I don't know. I know that he wants to settle down again, have a family again and be responsible for a wife and children again, he's made that clear to me and to his family and friends.

Does all the above mean I'm wasting my time? Perhaps. But I've always believed in giving people or situations as much of a chance as possible - and this is no exception. I'm well aware of how to protect myself financially - and I know that I'm running a high risk of getting hurt. That's part of life, and it's familiar ground.

For those of you who feel the need to be sarcastic or compare me to other posters, please go find someone else to harass. Thank you AGG, GreenGables, Starving, Rosey and Cinderella...for trying to help. I am grateful.


DS,

I appreciate your response, and I think I understand your mindset better.

Me, I spent over 8 years dating after my divorce, and I happen to have a slightly different view of relationships than you. I don't believe that it's worthwhile to hope that someone will change to suit your needs/wants. I know that differences will always exist, but you have to separate them into small things and big things. Of course only you can decide what you consider small and what you consider big.

But in my dating experiences, I have learned to not try to fit a round peg into a square hole. It always resulted in drama and hurt. I read some really good books on dating (such as Will Our Love Last?), which helped me understand how to find compatibility with someone (and how not to settle). Now that I got remarried last summer to someone with whom there is no drama, not compromising, and no significant incompatibilities, I am glad I did not settle.

Again, it is up to you, but I happen to think that having an "it's OK to look as long as I don't touch" attitude in a partner is an accident waiting to happen. People with such poor boundaries, IMO, are poor marriage prospects. I would look for someone who removes all profiles the day you agree to become exclusive. But again, that is just me.

I'm sure you'll make the decision that's right for you smile.

AGG
Well Dark.

My input is like so many others here. He is keeping the door open for a better deal.

All I can guess is that you accept this because you want to do the same.


You might feel you can handle this kind of "ahem" "Grownup" kind of relationship but I doubt anyone here will support anything that will hurt either of you in the long run.

Why not just stay single and treat him like he is treating you? But please be careful thier are a lot of things that can still hurt you. Especcially since you have recently become a widow.

This relationship is not one you should be moving into the next stage. IMO..as a guy.. Who is widowed. If you have experienced marriage before at its best why would you want to settle for this?

Be careful..
Dark, I think we're trying to tell you that we would hate to think you might be in denial about what might be fixing to happen. We know that discovery is really stinky.

And, in case you don't know what that is like, Sharon Jones is standing ready and able to tell the story with this song, "I Learned the Hard Way".
DS, I recently met someone through a dating site, and we hit it off pretty well. It's been a short time, but she has mentioned taking her profile down. I don't have any desire to do that, not because I'm open to a different/better model or anything like that, but because I'm not sold out on this girl yet. Would I initiate contact with women? No. Would I respond to them? Yes, if I was remotely interested. I don't think I'd take it more then friends and let them know I wasn't available at the moment.

I guess for me, it means that I'm not at 'that stage' yet. In my case, I shouldn't be. I'm not sure that the fact that he's looking to upgrade if the oppurtunity comes up, but I think it definitely means that he's not ready for living together. Besides, you aren't going to scare him off by saying you aren't ready to live together...it's a more then reasonable request.

Who's idea was it to move in togehter, yours or his?
DS,
It sounds like you're starting to listen a bit. I would really like to spare you what I went through in my last relationship. I heard it once said, "He (she) that has the least invested has the upper hand." That makes sense...you seem to care more, be more committed, so that gives him the upper hand. Perhaps if you pulled back a bit...keep him guessing. Of course, if you don't like having to play games, and some of us don't, maybe someone else would be better suited for you. You see, you're willing to give more, commit more, but is he ready to reciprocate likewise? It doesn't sound like it. Just be careful is all I'm saying...be very careful. Myself, I wouldn't accept this situation, I wouldn't be comfortable with it, too many red flags for my comfort.
DS,

Maybe you mentioned it, but I cannot find the answer - how long have you known your BF?

AGG
DKD:

This is exactly the type of insight that I need from a male point of view. It sounds exactly like what my boyfriend does, with only one difference. I think he is trying to "get to that stage"...he is the one who made the first move about living together, not me. It was his idea, and he is the one who contacted the real estate agent, requested loan information and asked his mom and sister to look around for a house. I'm not pushing the issue...not because I don't want to be with him on a full time basis but because I want it to be his "idea", not mine.

You said that you would respond to women if you were remotely interested, but not take it more than friends. Is it only because you haven't been with the girl you met through the dating site for long? Or is there another reason (if you don't mind me asking)?

SORTED:

I don't feel that I am "settling". I am an intelligent, confident and reasonably good looking woman. I am friends with a lot of men, but my boyfriend is the only one who has been allowed past the emotional wall for many reasons. Every relationship has it's "best" moments and it's "worst" moments, I am not looking for perfect, because there is no such thing.

CINDERELLA:

If I was in denial, I would not be on this forum. Again, I am well aware of the risks of getting hurt in this relationship. And I'll tell you something else - yes, this man has the ability to hurt me because I have allowed him that power...yet I have survived worse hurt before. I am more afraid of losing the chance that I see at happiness with this man than I am afraid of getting hurt. Regrets are harder to live with than hurt is.

KAY:
I still haven't quite forgiven you for your sarcasm...but you are right. While I don't like playing games, I do pull back once in a while and he comes running after me. I don't do it very often mostly because I know that the previous relationships he had were not good ones, so I try to make it as comfortable and as "safe" as I can for him. On the other hand, making someone too comfortable leads to being taken for granted...so it's a very fine line to walk.

AGG:

I've known him for 5 months.

Originally Posted by DarkSands
You said that you would respond to women if you were remotely interested, but not take it more than friends. Is it only because you haven't been with the girl you met through the dating site for long? Or is there another reason (if you don't mind me asking)?

Well, it's partly because I haven't been dating long and it just seems like I'm getting ahead of myself if I'm shutting off every possibility of someone else. Even though I really just am not the type to dating more then one at a time.

The other reason though is that it seems to provide a lot of confidence, knowing that women out there are interested in me. On top of that, it is some what of a fantasy type feeling to imagine going out with some of these women. The two kind of go together, and it is going to be a little difficult to give that up when the time comes.

I can't say that your BF feels the same way as I do. We are different people at different ages with different experiences. I do know that I will have to give this up at some point if the relationship continues because it's just not healthy for the relationship. A long the same lines, I have a female friend, and that friendship has to fade out quite a bit if I want a healthy relationship.

As well, I would not move in with someone else. I simply don't see the point of it. If I'm going to commit full time like that, if I'm that sure, I don't see the point of renting with an option to buy so to speak. I'd rather just do it or wait till I'm absolutely sure. I feel like marriage has a bond to it that can make the difference.

For one thing, I have young kids, and I feel like that would not be habit I'd want to teach them.
"Loan information" Please, please, tell me you are not going to take out a loan or sign a lease with this man.

Also, I'm a bit confused. Was the plan to move in together or was it just a vauge idea? If it was, why is he taking his mom and sister house hunting?

"I am more afraid of losing the chance that I see at happiness with this man than I am afraid of getting hurt. Regrets are harder to live with than hurt is." Why do you need to be afraid of losing the chance of happiness you see with this man? After just 5 months of dating, you don't really know what that chance of happiness is. The phermones haven't worn off, everyone is still on their best behavior.

Okay Dark Sands...I am fairly new here, and probably won't say what you want to hear, but really I think you need to stop and really really evaluate this situation.

My ex husband used dating sites to cheat on my throughout our relationship. He convinced me the first couple of times that it was "just to meet friends" or that he wasn't doing anything wrong and I loved him so I wanted to believe he wasn't cheating on me. But he was. He was cheating me out of the connection he should have been having just with me as the person he was committed to. If your BF is doing this now I can almost guarantee that he will continue to do it later. Five months in is when things should still be great, not when you should be worried about his continued dating profile issues.

I went through years of this and if I had just set the boundary early on that it's not okay I would have saved myself lots of trouble and heart ache.

I also just noticed the line where you say it was your BF that initiated the idea of moving in together. It was my ex that initiated that in our relationship too...he also begged me to marry him. He was "so in love with me" and wanted a life together and the whole time he was lying to me and trying to get with other women. I see so many signs of my former relationship in what you write about your situation.

I do agree that regret is harder to live with than hurt...unless it ends up being that you regret allowing someone to hurt you when you knew better.

I think that you know what you should do. I think you came here hoping that someone would tell you that it isn't as big of a deal as it feels like it is. But, honey, it's a big deal...capital B. Either he's commited or he's not. Set the boundary and see how it goes, but don't, please, please don't move in with him right now.
Something is not right here. OK, I can see that if you've only known him 5 months, he may still be on dating sites, assuming he considers you two to not be exclusive. Are you exclusive? If you are, then there is no justifiable explanation for him to be on dating sites. If you are not exclusive, then I really don't understand the house hunting stuff. And if you ARE exclusive and he IS on dating sites, well then you got bigger issues to deal with.

I also don't buy the "no relationship is perfect" and "I don't want to throw away my chance at happiness". That is the classic settling attitude that most folks will warn against. When someone is not behaving the way you need them to behave during DATING, you can be sure that it'll only get worse after the knot is tied.

I dunno DS, this just does not seem like a relationship worth continuing, if you only have 5 months invested in it. Big red flags, IMO.

AGG
Originally Posted by DarkSands
DKD:
I think he is trying to "get to that stage"...he is the one who made the first move about living together, not me. It was his idea, and he is the one who contacted the real estate agent, requested loan information and asked his mom and sister to look around for a house. I'm not pushing the issue...not because I don't want to be with him on a full time basis but because I want it to be his "idea", not mine.

redflag redflag redflag

uh, he did what - asked his MOM to look for him a house....and his sister......?????

hmmm.....you want it to be his idea that you move into a house his mommy picked out for him? How long are the apron strings?

[Linked Image from serve.mysmiley.net]
I'd like to echo something AGG said. "No relationship is perfect" is classic rationalization. Good, healthy, strong romantic relationships feel perfect. Do you occassionally get on one another's nerves? Yes. Are there times when your partner lets you down? Yes. But they are MINOR, like when Mike refused to drive an hour up to my house knowing that I had had to shut the water off because I had a leak. I was mad and frustrated and disappointed. I got over it. Then there was the time he remembered my birthday but forgot he was supposed to show up at my mother's for my 40th birthday party. I called him and he drove up. And even though at the time they occurred I saw them as yellow flags, in the big picture, they were isolated incidents. Was Mike perfect? No. Was he perfect for me? YES.

A well-balanced relationship with someone who is highly compatible with you in terms of habits, communication style,values, etc, feels perfect. There's a big difference between saying "no one is perfect" and "no relationship is perfect." Again, recommended reading is "Will Our Love Last?"

There is nothing to forgive about my "sarcasm" remark...whatever I say here is meant to help you and spare you future pain with this man and you don't seem to want to face it. You said you're not in denial or you wouldn't be on this site, but plenty of people on forums are in denial and don't want to heed the good advice they're given, you seem to be one of them. You strike me as desperate and settling because you don't want to be alone. I understand that feeling, when you have a husband pass away, you are very vulnerable...that's where I was when my ex found me, and believe me, I wouldn't want you to go through what I went through with him. Please look out for yourself. Show respect for yourself by setting clear boundaries...slow down this relationship, do not move in with him, don't give him any private information that could lead to identity theft, keep yourself protected and secure. You have not known him long enough! I knew my ex 1 1/2 years before we married and that turned out to be not long enough! Be independent! You can still enjoy life and relationships by keeping it at a friendship longer. I'm not for living together before married (read the statistics) but if you do, the two of you should be picking out the place, not his mom and sister...why would they pick out a place for you, do they know your taste and your needs better than you do? Something isn't smelling right in his treatment of you. Get over your feelings about me and listen to what I'm saying. You have a lot of people telling you the same thing...if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it probably is...a duck.
I would not recommend buying a house with a man you are not married to . I know people who have done that, it goes well for a while, but then something happens to hurt the relationship. Since they are not married, its easy to leave, except that they both own the same house. What a mess!!! I think it is easier to get a divorce than sell a house these days.
True, I know someone who is going through that, his wife has had a BF since before Christmas and they are getting divorced but still have to live together! I can't even imagine that kind of tension...
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums