It has been a while since I have been 'round these parts.

I am 4 years out from Dday and 3 odd years from divorce. I am in a 'new' (a year long) relationship with a decent man.

Problem -
I can't let my old life go.
The one where mom and dad live with 2 DD's in a quaint shore town with the happily ever after. Needless to say x married OW and she is living the life I laid out. Stay at home mom with no kids of her own while I struggle to make ends meet in a city I am less than thrilled with dealing with reality.
To say I covet my neighbors goods would be the understatement of the year! I miss my old friends, his family, the comfort of financial security and my 'planned' life.

I know I don't want to be w. ex. He cheated 3 different times in a 5 year marriage and completely destroyed me. Unfortunately, I watch his life improved exponentially while I tread water.

Do I need to seek IC for my outrageous jealousy issues? In all actions and deeds I have moved on but my head can't quit on how he and OW have all that I want.

Help.

As you have learned going through this experience nothing stays the same forever - the same holds true for your WH. What you see and what he is experiencing now may look very different some time from now. I would suggest IC to help you focus on you It is also unfair to your current relationship partner to be strung along. He has no chance of having a successful relationship while you are bound to your past. You alone have put these chains on yourself. The reality is you can't change the past but you can control your future. "You can't change the beginning but you can change the ending" (forgot who quoted.) You must like to be abused. Your WH doesn't have to be around to abuse you - you are doing a good job of it yourself. Look at the power you are giving him without him being around.

Gg

I sympathize with what you are experiencing but I agree with GG. Try to think in terms of "life with XH" and "life now" as "package deals". In order to have the life you had (or OW currently has) with XH you'd have to put up with a cheating husband. Is that really what you want? You do realize the chances are extremely high that they will cheat on each other, don't you? It's the pattern they've set and the morals they have.

You, on the other hand, may have life's challenges, but you also get to have peace of mind and enjoy life with a decent man. In my opinion that is preferable and a much better trade off.

My kids' dad divorced me after 23 years of marriage and married a woman who gets to stay home and play eBay and enjoy her grandchildren, cook, sew...sounds like a charmed life! Until I remember it's with HIM! Then I remember how he was and I think, nope, I'll take my life, with all it's financial stress and the never ending chores, because I can enjoy the peace of my home and my dog and don't have to be subject to his controlling behavior. They may be retired (while I rise at 5:00 am to a long commute) but in reality, it's far from the charmed life because they have each other in it!

You're better off, and if it takes IC to show you that, go for it!

I still get envious of old people holding hands. That was going to be me. I was headed on that road. Now, I don't know if I'll ever have that here or if I'll be waiting til the after life.

Here's what I do when the envy gets a hold or I feel sorry for myself. I count my blessings. I count every single one and I give thanks. And then, I toss in some of my challenges and struggles because they are blessings in disguise. They help me grow to a better person if I use them right.

I think it helps to keep in mind that there is no such thing as "happily ever after." There is only "happily for now." Sometimes, the "for now" lasts 30 or 60 years or more. Sometimes, it lasts three. So let go of that fantasy. Instead live in this fabulous reality we have. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it involves struggle and sweat and tears. But, it has it's wonderful moments. A minute of peace, a beautiful sunset, a small victory at work, a daughter making a wise choice. Life is a vale of tears and it's the sweet silver song of a lark.

I know this doesn't help. I know it sounds like I'm feeding you pablum. But, honestly, counting my blessings has helped prevent me from becoming bitter. I don't get stuck in a bad internal feedback loop.

Also, keep in mind, everyone has a cross to bear. We just don't get to know what most people's are.

Thanks for the priceless nuggets that I will hold close when the starts.

I do recognize that when I get lazy I tend to over-induldge my "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" and "playing the victim" rather than move forward.
The reality then was that I lived the hell of an affair -- the suspicion, fear and dread for the next discovery that further confirmed the lie of our marriage. I remember the physical pain every day. I am not there now. I can breath. I make my future now...and you are all right. It's mine, only I can chose to give the x and ow that.

So in the spirit of cultivating a healthy mind I will classify MB's as a blessing to remind me to get back to the basics of the good recovery practices. Today you have reminded of the importance of counting my blessings.
Hey -- I just got another one. I can always come back to MB for an irreplacable support network.

I'll be around for a while til I regain my balance.
Thanks for being here.

M

GreenGables,
Your reply sounds so much like something I'd say...and have said, many, many times. Maybe it's because you and I have both lost a husband we dearly loved, to death. My George died June 19, 2005. I remember that summer that grief struck so hard, the feelings I grappled with, and I remember God put a little refrigerator magnet in my path...it had a dragonfly that caught my attention and when I read it, I knew it was meant for me so I bought it. That entire summer there was never a day that went by that I didn't look at that as a reminder of where I was to focus. It said: "Find joy in each new day". Some days it was a challenge to find any joy, my life had turned upside down overnight, but I learned to LOOK for joys. I also learned NOT TO EXPECT life to have the great joy I'd had with George, but to APPRECIATE what was. Sometimes it was a beautiful sunset, a puppy's kiss, a kitten's antics, a child's smile, someone letting me merge in traffic, someone holding a door open for me...in other words it was MY FOCUS that changed. We have to make a concerted effort to look for joy or we might miss it when it comes.

Good for you MCM. I know our advice wasn't easy to hear. The equivalent of "Snap out of it." LOL.

There are times that I catch myself wishing I'd be rescued. But then, I almost instantainously remember that each time we are rescued, we are weakened. That fairy tale life, had it ever come to fruition which it wouldn't, would have left you soft and weak, and when life hit you like a ton of bricks, you won't have been able to withstand it.

Just think of everything you can do and do do now. Things you never dreamed of. Okay, taking apart the kitchen sink and cleaning out the trap is not the kidno f thing we usually celebrate. But, we should!

Kay, I hear you. Hey, did you know that dragon flies are a symbol of life, and I think hope, among the pueblo indians?

Hang in there, mcm. I can see how many of us could end up writing a similar thread. I think it will take a conscious, concerted effort in order for me not to end up feeling the same way. It may just be a day by day challenge I'll have to take on.

Greengables and kaycstamper, your strength is so very inspiring.

God bless all three of you.

GreenGables,
No, I didn't know that! I just always like dragonflies so I figured that's why God used it to draw my attention to the message He wanted me to hear...but maybe it really was a two fold message!
Inapickle,
Thanks! "takes a concerted effort" is right, it sure does!

Kaycstamper, I just read that you make cards - I do, too! I wondered if the "stamper" in your name meant what I thought it did so I looked at your profile to see if you had an email listed but I saw that you had it listed as a hobby/interest! I'd love to "talk shop" sometime!

I haven't done any cardmaking for a while, but plan on starting back up again - I think that would be a good thing for me to do. I've heard from some scrapbookers that scrapping about their divorce was VERY therapeutic! Somehow I should be able to translate that to cardmaking.

I didn't scrap about my divorce, actually, I took a break from making/selling cards at that time because I was so busy (lawyer, canceling bank accounts, changing passwords, getting id theft protection, etc) and my divorce was at the holidays so that made it harder.
I did, however, use art to depict my feelings when my late husband died...I remember I did one collage that showed how I felt, and another to show how I wanted to feel (sort of as a "where I am" and "where I want to be"). I also did the same things in a collage of words. It was pretty graphic, I remember sharing it on line with my grief support group. It was very therapeutic.
I love art, I sell my cards at a local art gallery and also a booth in my friend's state. I used to sell on eBay but with the market crashing and so much competitiveness, I found I wasn't making a profit on eBay, plus their fees keep going up. I do better by displaying them, at least for now. I'll drop you an email.