Marriage Builders
Posted By: stillstanding2 Moving on - 06/14/10 10:14 PM
I haven't been around lately. I needed a break. Much of my story was lost last year during a MB computer crash and I am grateful for that. Last year was rough. A lot has happened since I have been around here. I have moved to a great house in the hills near the beach in Central California. I have a new job. I became a grandmother. I am feeling more hopeful and less helpless. I am seeing a nice man. We met at work when I first returned to California in September. We were just friends for months. We started dating in February. He has been a BS and knows what I have been through. He is 4 years younger, handsome, athletic, and fun to be around. We have fun together. He is also patient with me.

I still have my ups and downs. This week I have been feeling stuck. I am still working on deleting my ex from my heart and mind. I started by burning all the cards and letters that I had kept from our marriage. I have gotten rid of all pictures of him. I have been purging files. No more saved emails, text messages, etc. No more pictures on my computer of OW with her family. UGH! No more minefields waiting for me in my home.

A couple of months ago, my ex called and said that he would be in town for a family wedding. He wanted to "swing by" (hundreds of miles out of his way) to see me. At first, I didn't tell him no. I was secretly happy at the thought of seeing him because I was remembering the good things that we had shared. I was not thinking about the bad times. However, as the days and weeks went by, the thought of seeing my ex made me more and more uneasy. I am dating a perfectly lovely man that is sweet and caring towards me. My ex hurt me more than anything. I don't want him back. I don't want a few days of walking down memory lane. I can't be his "friend". It just didn't seem right. Last month, I told him that I couldn't see him or be his friend. I told him that it just wasn't possible. I told him that I was seeing someone and that it just wouldn't be appropriate. I asked him to stop calling and texting me and to leave me alone. He has respected my wishes. My new boyfriend knows everything. He has been very supportive.

It will be a year since my husband told me that he wanted a divorce on 7/3. We separated on 9/5. Divorce was final 11/4/09. Everything has changed.

I wonder what the next year will hold?

Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 06/15/10 06:39 PM
SS2 this all sounds like great news.

I am sure the deleting part is hard to deal with though.

But is seems like you are thinking the right thoughts about it all.

And i agree with you, i would not give your ex the satisfaction of seeing you anyway.

Let him wonder about what he left behind, it is him who lost out.

Just keep plugging along, i know how proud i was of you when you were posting before and i know you can get through this too.

Posted By: staytogether Re: Moving on - 06/15/10 09:56 PM
Hey SS2

I am sure this next year will see you standing taller and taller, with that incredible grace and dignity that you show, as you leave the D behind

I wish you billions of happiness and it is lovely to see you back posting.

I hope you find your answers.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/15/10 10:30 PM
ST and SC, thank you. You give me too much credit. I still have my moments wondering if I made the right choices or am doing the right things. I wonder why the ex wanted to see me. I miss a lot about him sometimes...

Then, I have to remind myself to snap out of it! I have to remind myself that no matter how much I loved him, he didn't want to stay married. He wanted to be single. He left. He has never asked me to come back to him. He has never asked me to take him back. At the most, he misses me as a friend or lover only. He doesn't want me as a wife.

I also have to own my part in the divorce. I stayed with him when I knew that he was lying to me. I lived the lies with him hoping they would go away on their own. Had I done a plan A and B 1-2 years earlier, maybe I would be happily married right now? Maybe he always cheated? I will never know.

I do know that I did everything that I was capable of doing to save my marriage. I didn't do everything right. I did the best that I could. I still love him. If he were in trouble, I would help him. But now, I love me too. And, I can't be married to him ever again. I can't be his friend because I deserve better friends. I deserve friends that have my back and can be trusted.
Posted By: broken_soul Re: Moving on - 06/16/10 01:05 PM
So nice to see you again SS2. I've thought of you often and wondered how you were doing.

hug
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 06/16/10 08:27 PM
You are doing the right things...I had to do those things too. He had his email set up (when we were married) to send a copy to me so I could notify him when something important came in (he drove truck and wasn't around a computer)...so I changed his email not to forward to mine anymore and told him to change his passwords. I returned all mail that came to my house for him (he never furnished a forwarding address) for months, now I just throw it away. (I figure after over 1 1/2 years, they should have got the picture by now.) He never picked up the rest of his stuff that I paid someone to pack up and put into storage (since I couldn't do it at the time), well I finally went through it and sent part to Goodwill and part to the dump. I mailed his important papers/awards/pictures to his mom to give to him. I deleted him from my telephones. I got rid of things that reminded me of him, things he gave me (which wasn't much), wedding pictures, etc. It all helped to extricate him from my life and rid myself of reminders.
It feels good to enter a new healthier chapter of life!
Good luck with you and your new beau!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/18/10 01:13 AM
I couldn't get rid of everything at first. It was time though. Things have slowly gotten better. I still have sadness when I spend too much time focusing on the past. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. For me, I have to take my time and keep my eyes open the next time around. I will not be burying my head in the sand if something seems off. I will also be more aware of the care that a relationship requires to remain healthy. I hope that I will be a better person because of this whole experience. It is time to work on the present and my new future. It does take time and that is okay. Lots of great things have happened along the way. I guess that is just life -if you're lucky. smile
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/20/10 07:40 PM
I read an interesting article about letting go today. It really hit home. This is us.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

We have a strong attraction when we are apart but are repulsed when we are together. My ex called me on Thursday and I spoke with him for the first time in a month. The call filled a need that I must not allow my ex to satisfy anymore. There was no business reason for the call. It does me no good to entertain these calls. It does not help me move forward to hear that he loves and misses me but needs time to be single and wants to learn how to take care of himself. banghead I have to stop being his crutch. I cannot and will not be his friend. naughty


So, I have deleted my ex-husband's phone number from my phone. I am getting a new phone this week - with a new number (I know- again. The last time I broke down and called him in a moment of loneliness - several months ago). According to the article, I need 6 months to 2 years of no contact with my ex to get over him. That is what I have to do. Last week, I removed the triggers (pictures, letters, cards). His car (where so many d-days occurred) has finally left this weekend. We gave it to my son and I have been keeping it for him while he was away at school. It is finally gone! hurray I need to prevent him from contacting me and I need to refrain from contacting him. I have come a long way. I can do this. cool
Posted By: Bubbles4U Re: Moving on - 06/21/10 04:51 AM
YAY! Yes you can do it! When I broke up with a boyfriend who was bad for me it took a couple years to fully get over him, he was like a bad addiction. How much harder it must be for you who were married and had a family with this man.

You are getting over him now though!!! YAY!

He is toxic and bad for your precious spirit. And you know it now! Good going !
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/21/10 06:56 PM
Thank you Bubbles4U. Not going to dwell on the past today.

It is a gorgeous day. Have plans to run on the beach this afternoon with my new guy friend. Working from home today so going to get some chores done also. Have a nice dinner planned. Am planning to enjoy myself!

Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 06/22/10 04:36 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I read an interesting article about letting go today. It really hit home. This is us.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

We have a strong attraction when we are apart but are repulsed when we are together. My ex called me on Thursday and I spoke with him for the first time in a month. The call filled a need that I must not allow my ex to satisfy anymore. There was no business reason for the call. It does me no good to entertain these calls. It does not help me move forward to hear that he loves and misses me but needs time to be single and wants to learn how to take care of himself. banghead I have to stop being his crutch. I cannot and will not be his friend. naughty


So, I have deleted my ex-husband's phone number from my phone. I am getting a new phone this week - with a new number (I know- again. The last time I broke down and called him in a moment of loneliness - several months ago). According to the article, I need 6 months to 2 years of no contact with my ex to get over him. That is what I have to do. Last week, I removed the triggers (pictures, letters, cards). His car (where so many d-days occurred) has finally left this weekend. We gave it to my son and I have been keeping it for him while he was away at school. It is finally gone! hurray I need to prevent him from contacting me and I need to refrain from contacting him. I have come a long way. I can do this. cool

SS2 yes everything you said is true and i am sorry to hear that you have struggled so hard with this, i remember how hard it was when the 2 of you were still living together.

Just keep remembering all the hell he put you through banghead and all the pain he caused you cry and the SS2 you have become now lashes and hopefully that will be enough for you to never pick up that phone and call him again Nooo Nooo ........

It sounds like you are better though so just keep chugging along cool !!!!

SC
Posted By: Pariah Re: Moving on - 06/22/10 05:52 PM
This is where seething hatred helped me the most.

I STILL don't miss that soul sucking harpy cnut.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/22/10 06:05 PM
Thanks SC. I didn't call him! He called me - but I know that doesn't matter. I answered. I'm picking up my new phone Thursday (with my new number). I haven't seen the ex in almost 10 months. The divorce has been final for almost 8 months. Things are much better. I think I was just feeling some growing pains. MrRollieEyes
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/22/10 06:12 PM
Originally Posted by Pariah
This is where seething hatred helped me the most.

I STILL don't miss that soul sucking harpy cnut.

faint That must be what is missing! I had moments of seething hatred but I could never make them last. Lol. rotflmao

I don't want to ever live that way again. I'm good. Really.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 06/23/10 12:07 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Thanks SC. I didn't call him! He called me - but I know that doesn't matter. I answered. I'm picking up my new phone Thursday (with my new number). I haven't seen the ex in almost 10 months. The divorce has been final for almost 8 months. Things are much better. I think I was just feeling some growing pains. MrRollieEyes

I think you are right and i think that maybe it is a good sign that you can come back here too, i know that was also tough on you for a little while!

I am glad you are back even if it is just for a few posts here and there, it is good to read you LOL again grin !!!

SC
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/28/10 07:20 PM
Spent the morning in the garden. As I was pulling weeds I was reminded how much life can be like a flower garden. You can't let weeds take over. You have to have the right amount of sunlight, water and room to grow. You also have to keep people from walking all over you and trampling you. My time in the yard is therapeutic. My garden is a beautiful place today. I'm happy too.
Posted By: staytogether Re: Moving on - 06/28/10 09:21 PM
smile hurray
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/28/10 10:36 PM
I'm mopping floors and listening to soft-rock love song-type stuff in the background. I'm singing along and not feeling one bit sad. I'm really starting to feel like myself again. My house is really clean too. smile
Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 06/28/10 10:38 PM
hurray

come clean mine? pray
rotflmao
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 06/28/10 10:41 PM
faint rotflmao rotflmao

stickout
Posted By: GABZZ Re: Moving on - 06/29/10 02:22 PM
Hey SS2,

Delighted to see you back, im so glad for you that your are getting over H, he was no good for you, you deserve so much better, and your new friend is a fine looking man if you dont mind me saying wink
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/03/10 12:38 AM
One year ago today, my ex-husband filed for divorce. The night before he told me how happy he was that we were recovering our marriage and asked me if I wanted to leave the country with him for work. I was excited to be leaving the state that the infidelity has occurred. I remember feeling like he ripped my heart out of my chest when I discovered his true intentions. mad I remember thinking that the betrayal of giving up on the marriage cut deeper than his infidelity. grumble The next couple of months were surreal as we prepared to part ways. rant2 Total disbelief describes my mind-set at the time.

It has been a year and I am ok today -good most of the time in fact. I only remember the day because it is my mother's birthday. I remember ordering flowers for my mother and wondering why my ex-husband was so distant that day. I knew something was very wrong. He didn't want to tell me because we had plans for the 4th of July and if I didn't get served before the weekend, he didn't want to ruin the weekend. Nooo We were still living in the same household. We still spent the holiday weekend together. I was in shock. crazy

Looking back, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be to change courses. Yes, there was a few months of nightly crying but it passed. crybaby I managed to accomplish the unimaginable. I survived without my ex and am doing well. I have come out of my own fog with respect to my ex. I'm no longer missing him or the constant wondering that was part of my daily existence with him -Who's he with? Where is he? What is he doing? Why? Why? Why?. dramaqueen

I am moving on with my life. The only direction that I am considering is forward. My eyes are wide open and they are dry. No tears today. cool
Posted By: staytogether Re: Moving on - 07/04/10 06:36 PM
I love you SS2. I love the way that you have dealt with this chapter in your life and the way that you share and give others hope of a better future. Your self belief is inspirational.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/04/10 06:54 PM
Originally Posted by staytogether
I love you SS2. I love the way that you have dealt with this chapter in your life and the way that you share and give others hope of a better future. Your self belief is inspirational.

kiss Staytogether kiss
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/05/10 07:05 PM
Had a lovely uneventful weekend. Spent plenty of time outdoors after work. Hiked around the neighborhood hills with my guy, watched some Nascar and ordered a pizza on Saturday night. Sunday, we went fishing for a couple of hours until sundown. Didn't get even a nibble during fishing but it was a beautiful afternoon. We are going to lighter tackle next time we fish! Went to dinner afterwards. Working at home today and getting laundry and cleaning done. I enjoy the normalcy that I am settling into.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/05/10 07:16 PM
I also wanted to note something about UA time. I know that many people in established marriages have a hard time meeting the UA time requirements. I am starting over again and my relationship is new (dating my guy since Feb). UA time at this point is really easy. I have explained the UA time principles to my guy. He knows that when we are together, I won't be on the computer surfing or on my phone texting. It is his time. If I want to run errands, he wants to run them with me. He opens doors, carries bags, and pumps the gas for my car. If I want to go for a walk, he wants to go with me and hold my hand. We watch tv together and it doesn't matter what we watch. The snuggling is more important. We have our meals face to face and talk to each other about our day and our work. If I want to go fishing, he is there carrying my pole and tying my hooks. I cook meals for him and he raves about my cooking. He often helps and offers to clean up. When the guys at work want to go out for a drink after work, he declines and rushes to see me instead. He is usually at my door 7 minutes after work. Sometimes he sneaks out early because he can't wait. It is effortless in both directions. It is very easy to be nice to him and think about what would make him happy. The trick at this point is to see if it will last and to make sure that I don't mess this up with lovebusters or getting lazy about ENs. smile
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 07/06/10 04:28 PM
SS2 i am so glad to hear of your progress. And the fact that it was 1 year is probably why you even thought about it at all.

It sounds as though you and your new man are meeting all of those MB things like ENs and UA.

Like you said though the key is to continue to do it ALL the time so it becomes a habit.

Hope you have a great day today.

SC
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/06/10 04:35 PM
Thanks SC. You have a great day too! smile
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/09/10 05:48 PM
Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
SS2
It sounds as though you and your new man are meeting all of those MB things like ENs and UA.

Even with UA time and meeting ENs, dating is hard. My new guy has some pretty big flaws. They are big ones for me and not likely to change. I don't know how to even say this without sounding really arrogant.

I don't think he is very book smart. I feel guilty for even saying it out loud. His math skills are elementary. He can't figure percentages, or fractions. He doesn't know what 10% of 100 is. skeptical He doesn't know the meaning of many words that I frequently use. We could play word games and I could teach him more words though. He doesn't know basic historical events. So, I rent movies that have historical themes and we talk about the plots. Politics? Don't get me started. He didn't pay attention in school because he was focused on working at an early age. He worked in his family business from 16 to 36 and always thought that he would be in that line of work until retirement. He learned the family business and ran his dad's business very successfully. His father had promised him the business. His father changed his mind and my guy had to start over again. He still does well at work in his line of business. He has street smarts. He has people smarts. Book smarts - not so much.

A bigger issue for me is the fact that he is very judgemental. If a girl wears a skimpy outfit he makes really rude comments about her. I feel like defending the girls in short skirts. He just gets ruder. He is always ready for a debate. I have been known to dress skimpily and this makes me uncomfortable. I have thrown out clothes that he said were too revealing to wear to work because I did not feel comfortable around him. Then he complained that I got rid of the outfits. He wants me to be modest when we are apart but dress skimpy when we are together. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to dress appropriately for whatever I am doing. He also makes racial comments regularly which is weird because he has friends of all colors. I really hate it though. It is a complete turnoff for me.

He finds me very critical because of the way that I have expressed my concerns and doubts about our future. He says that nobody has ever criticized him as much as I have. I feel the same way. He is very open to the MB principles and we are trying to remove the DJs and other lovebusters. It is hard for me.

I know that differences in intelligence and values are challenges that are not likely to be overcome by more UA time or meeting of ENs. I am still dating him and hoping for the best because he has sooo many really great qualities too. His negative qualities are probably dealbreakers for me though unless they change which is unfair to expect. I don't want to fix anybody. frown I want it to work because I think that he would be faithful and wants to make me happy. I am happy most of the time. He has put up with my mood swings. He says that we can overcome anything. He says that there is nothing that we can't work out together. He wants to take care of me and protect me from anything that will make me unhappy. People like him. My family likes him. Sometimes, I just don't like him very much though. Other times, I am grateful to have someone so patient and loving in my life. I'm just not sure.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/09/10 06:51 PM
Saw some references to Myers Brigg personality testing on another thread and was curious. According to the test, I am ESTJ.
type score type behavior motivation
1 27 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
8 23 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
6 19 I must be secure and safe to be happy.
9 18 I must maintian a peaceful and easygoing environment to be happy.
2 15 I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 15 I must be high and entertained to be happy.


So, I'm a perfectionist that wants to be in control. Maybe I could work on the criticism? Lol at myself.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/09/10 10:52 PM
I'd be wary of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole too much. But if it's just perspective and communication styles, that can be worked on and learned.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/09/10 10:58 PM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
I'd be wary of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole too much. But if it's just perspective and communication styles, that can be worked on and learned.

I don't have a problem with his peg... rotflmao
Sorry, couldn't resist.

He came over to see me at lunch and told me that he wanted to work on being less judgemental. He admitted that his "mouth" is his biggest challenge. He tries so hard to be a good man. I am willing to take the time to get to know him better and see where it goes.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 07/13/10 04:34 PM
SS2 i worry that you may be in a hurry to "have a relationship".

I can not possibly even begin to imagine what you have been through as i have been married to my one and only husband for 25 years now (we celebrated our silver on June 29th grin ).

But maybe you still need more time to figure out who SS2 is and what she wants. If you are already seeing things in this man that bother you this much then maybe he is not the "one" for you. Maybe it is as you say just a communication thing and can be worked through. Either way you have to make sure that you are not just worried about "being alone".

As i said i can not even begin to imagine what that would be like but i think you need to make sure that you can "be alone" before you are "in a relationship", if that makes any sense at all crazy .......
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/13/10 04:59 PM
Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
SS2 i worry that you may be in a hurry to "have a relationship". I know I am not ready for the work of a marriage. I am not in a hurry to have a relationship that is a bunch of work either. I am willing to date and have some fun but I am not capable of the investment required for a serious relationship at this time. I just don't have the reserves.
I can not possibly even begin to imagine what you have been through as i have been married to my one and only husband for 25 years now (we celebrated our silver on June 29th grin ). Happy Anniversary! hurray kiss hurray

But maybe you still need more time to figure out who SS2 is and what she wants. SS2 wants a vacation. coolIf you are already seeing things in this man that bother you this much then maybe he is not the "one" for you. Maybe it is as you say just a communication thing and can be worked through. Either way you have to make sure that you are not just worried about "being alone". I know.

As i said i can not even begin to imagine what that would be like but i think you need to make sure that you can "be alone" before you are "in a relationship", if that makes any sense at all crazy ....... I know how to be alone. I don't like it - never have. I like to spend time with my kids and my friends when there isn't a man around. I like the interaction with other people.

I am taking it one day at a time. He is a good friend to me. He also is completely aware of my ambivalence and hesitation. I have been completely honest with him regarding my feelings. He wants to continue dating me. I want to continue dating him too. I told him about the things that bother me and he has completely stopped - for now. Time will tell if it is something that truly improves. I am willing to give him the time. He is willing to work on this with me. I bring a lot of skepticism to this. Something tells me to give him a shot though.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/13/10 05:52 PM
SS2

Give him a 2nd try, but be careful and keep things in perspective!!

I am cheering for you!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/13/10 07:01 PM
Originally Posted by daybreak
SS2

Give him a 2nd try, but be careful and keep things in perspective!!

I am cheering for you!!!

Dawn

That sounds like the advice that I just gave you. wink
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 07/14/10 11:50 AM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am taking it one day at a time. He is a good friend to me. He also is completely aware of my ambivalence and hesitation. I have been completely honest with him regarding my feelings. He wants to continue dating me. I want to continue dating him too. I told him about the things that bother me and he has completely stopped - for now. Time will tell if it is something that truly improves. I am willing to give him the time. He is willing to work on this with me. I bring a lot of skepticism to this. Something tells me to give him a shot though.

Ok then, nevermind a word i said grin !! It sounds as though you have been thinking this through.

I say give him another try too. As long as you are honest with yourself and him then that is all you can ask for wink !
Posted By: AGoodGuy Re: Moving on - 07/14/10 02:10 PM
I tend to think that life is too short to be dating someone who is a "project" or needs work or is on a totally different level of intellect than you.

As I always say, for every day you are dating Mr. Wrong, you are missing out on a day's worth of chances of meeting Mr. Right.

If you say you have no reserves right now for a serious relationship and just want to have some fun, why invest more time and energy into a complicated 5+ month relationship, instead of just dating around?

AGG
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/14/10 05:13 PM
Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
I tend to think that life is too short to be dating someone who is a "project" or needs work or is on a totally different level of intellect than you.

As I always say, for every day you are dating Mr. Wrong, you are missing out on a day's worth of chances of meeting Mr. Right.

If you say you have no reserves right now for a serious relationship and just want to have some fun, why invest more time and energy into a complicated 5+ month relationship, instead of just dating around?

AGG

Thanks for the input. Currently, I am not looking for Mr. Right/Perfect. I'm not really interested in dating around either at the moment. I don't mind that I might be missing out on Mr. Right. I'm not sure I want Mr. Right. Most days, I enjoy my guy and his company. He is Mr. Right For Now. I'm still not over my divorce. He might end up being Mr. Right later. He is thoughtful and sweet 99% of the time. Today is my birthday. He has brought me roses, balloons, a very nice card, and a nice bottle of wine. We are both off today and are going to spend the day out today (doing whatever I want). I'm feeling spoiled and I like it.
Posted By: AGoodGuy Re: Moving on - 07/14/10 11:00 PM
Sounds like things must have turned around quite a bit in the past 5 days or so...

I just hope that you don't use him as a crutch to help you get over your divorce and heal, then dump him because of all the incompatibilites you listed earlier.

AGG
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/14/10 11:28 PM
still----Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Hope you had an awesome day doing whatever you wanted!!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/15/10 09:11 PM
My ex is in town visiting his mom. She lives about 3 hours away. He wants to see me. I have told him no. But, I am freaking out. Can anybody give me one good reason to see him?
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/15/10 09:12 PM
I haven't seen him since last September when he left for the airport to leave the country.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/15/10 09:15 PM
He just texted me that he missed me. It is taking everything I have to not get in my car!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/15/10 09:46 PM
Another text: I'm sorry M!

I didn't respond. Am I making a huge mistake? Should I see him? What if...
Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 01:20 AM
SS2,

your ex is an *ss. He doesnt want to make you feel better, he wants YOU TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER. You are worth so much more than that. Think about when you first went into recovery with him and he 'seemed' to be doing the right things. What happened a few months later? He gave you essentially 100% of everything and left the country!

He would have to be literally crawling over broken glass before even considering talking to him.

You are worth so much more.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 03:54 AM
Sounds to me as if he hasn't been getting his needs met anywhere. So he figures "I'll call SS and she'll see me and I can manipulate her into a night or two of fun and sex and then I'll go home and leave her all alone again till the next time I need something that she can give me."

I know I'm late to the party, but tell me you didn't meet up with him...

Agree to meet with him when he tells you he will do anything in order to be given a CHANCE to win you back. Until them, ignore the boy.

Mark
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 05:01 AM
I haven't met him. There has been some texting. My boyfriend and I broke it off though. I wasn't in love and it was very clear to me tonight that I was wasting his time. frown
Posted By: grindnfool Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 10:46 AM
Seems you have alot of work to do before you should date anyone. I would not consider meeting my ex whatsoever.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 11:29 AM
I am sorry for these latest developements SS2 hug !!!

I do however totally agree with what Lil and Mark said, you know that your ex is a total a$$ that left you after making you think you were going to reconcile.

He will just pull the rug out from under you again like he did so so so many times before he left the country. He is not asking for your forgiveness or anything, he just wants a "quickie" and you are worth so much more than that SS2 and don't you ever forget it!!!!!

I also agree that you need to be alone a little longer, i told you earlier that i thought this guy may be a rebound guy and that is not fair to either of you hug .....

And i hope you held yourself and did not meet him or let him meet you.

Hope you have a better day!!!!

SC
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/16/10 07:24 PM
Why are you doing this to yourself? You ex was not good for you. Move on, don't set yourself back by wondering. You already KNOW how he is! Focus on YOU, get out, make some friends, start a hobby, volunteer, enjoy yourself!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/17/10 03:58 AM
I am alone tonight. I saw the ex today and it was a very nice day. I still have a place in my heart for him- probably always will. He still says all the right things. I am okay. I'm glad I saw him even if nothing has changed. I loved him very deeply for a long time. It was good to see him and spend the day with him.


Now, on with my life...
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/17/10 08:06 PM
Ok time to get serious about recovering and living a better life. This is my chance to make some changes, learn from my mistakes and move forward. What I did to my ex-boyfriend was horrible. I can't do that to another person again. He had moved in with me a few months ago. I know that it was a mistake. I was taking the easy route. I was not willing to take the time to stand on my own two feet. I let him stay because he tried soooo hard to please me and it was a serious help with the bills. Now that he has left, I can't pay the bills alone here.

Time to make some serious evaluations and changes.

I deserve every 2x4 that I get. I am so sorry for using him and causing him so much pain. I was lying to myself every day that I told myself, "it might work out - give it more time". I was being selfish.

I don't know what I am going to do next. All I know is that I will have to figure it out and do it alone.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/17/10 09:38 PM
SS,

Every choice we make, every decision, has consequences. While we might not see those consequences even for years to come, they are still there, pending just as surely as if they came swiftly.

Often times our choices that we make have consequences that we did not intend, but again, they are still the result of the choices we made no matter what our original intention might have been.

The times we end up with consequences we would rather that we were somehow able to avoid, are usually those times when we compromised what we knew to be right and just. We allow ourselves to accept what we know is wrong from ourselves for expediency or for our own comfort, for our own selfish reasons.

Usually when we make those kinds of choices, those that require us to modify our own belief system or lower our standards, justifying those choices by claiming them to not be AS bad or LESS wrong than what we know to be right and good, we are making those choices based on how we feel at the moment we are faced with the decision of which way to go.

We follow our heart rather than leading it...

Here's the thing. We make those kinds of choices every single day. We choose not based on what we know or believe to be right or wrong, but rather based on our situation at that moment in time. We make our decisions based on situational ethics instead of on what we know we should do.

The problem with all of this is that as time goes on and as we get further out from one of those bad decisions, we have to make other choices along the way that we are only faced with because of the original choice we made. We head down a road we know is the wrong one and wonder why we ended up in a place we never wanted to be.

The time to decide to make a good choice is when we are presented with the first choice. If we let ourselves compromise on what is right and then realize it soon after, we have to choose to do otherwise and retrace our steps to undo choosing the direction we did at first. Even then, there can be negative consequences for the choices we made.

After we act on our choices it is too late to undo those choices. The consequences flow from those choices just as assuredly as night follows day.

Go therefore and choose wisely...

Mark
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/17/10 10:21 PM
I agree. I am in a place that I never wanted to be. When I was young and unmarried, I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. I knew that I would have to have a job but it was never the important part of my dreams. I wanted to have a beautiful, loving, happy family, and a nice garden. I wanted to grow old with my one and only husband and have big family get-togethers with my grandkids.

I have been married and divorced twice. I would have been happy to stay married forever to my last husband. It was not in the cards. My daughter lives on one coast. She is married to an enlisted military man. So, my one grandbaby will move all over the country with them. My son lives on the other coast -also enlisted in the military.

So now that I find myself where I am- underemployed, sinking in debt, and alone, I don't see any possibility of living the life of my girlhood dreams.

I see no option but to choose a new "happily ever after" picture. My new happily ever after does not include settling for Mr. Almost Right or Mr Says All The Right Things. It may include being happy taking care of myself, living alone, and reinventing who SS2 has become.

I am researching jobs in this area. I am also researching job in more affordable areas. I am in a position to do and live wherever I want. I miss Arkansas and the cheaper cost of living. I also miss my friends.

I am sick to my stomach and my head aches.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 01:03 AM
still---I am so sorry that you are going through this!!!!!

I tell people to have their pitry party (we all need to do that) just know when to go home!!!!!

You are right you are at a point in your life where you could do and live anywhere!!! I envy you!!! My family is here where I am, actually my parents and my brother who has MS live across the street!!! On daughter is an hour away right now but will go further once she is done with college, my son and DIL and 2 grandson live here and my other daughter is in TN, there are days I would move in a heartbeat, but I am needed here!!!!

Let me know how you are doing!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 05:20 AM
Today has been hard. I am alone and missing my ex-husband almost as sharply as when he left me a year ago. I thought I could handle it better. I was wrong. It is just as hard and painful as everyone else knew it would be. Would I still have seen my ex yesterday if I had known that I would be so sad today? Yup. I'm still glad that I got one more good day with him. I know the sadness will pass.

I also have the added guilt of knowing that my ex bf is grieving at my hands. He has called several times asking for another chance to win my heart. I can't do that to him again. I miss his company but I can't be selfish.

I have spent the day researching best places to live and work in the event that I can break my lease. I haven't spent the entire day wallowing.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 03:09 PM
still,

Yep it is hard to see the x sometimes, playing the "what if" game sucks!!! But it is part of the growing process, just keep fighting!!

I am sure you are missing the BF, he helped by re directing your thoughts and your time!!!

I like that you are looking for new jobs and stuff. What is it that you do for a profession?

I am a little lonely today myself, Doug is with his kids at the state softball tournament on the other side of the state. I have talked to him, he was hanging with a bunch of college buds last night and they had been drinking, he didn't remember what we talked about this morning and so I told him we picked a date!!!!! Blew his mind!!!

Oh well, hope ou have a good Sunday!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 03:56 PM
Daybreak,

Sometimes, I wish I had fought the divorce. I wish I hadn't given in so quickly. I miss my ex-husband. Again, more what ifs. I can't change the choices that I make. Mark is right. I have to make better first choices.

I miss the companionship that the bf provided. We weren't right for each other. We bickered almost daily. It was exhausting. He wants to come back. That would be a terrible choice - not an option. He is hurting and it is my fault. I can't make it worse. Must make the right choices - not the easy choices.

I am a finance director/sales manager for a car delearship. I moved up here in March to work with an old boss. The store needed to be turned around because it was failing. Things were hard the first month. It seems doable though. Well, the boss was a recovering alcoholic and he started drinking again, his wife left him with their baby. He quit a couple of months ago. New management has come in and made life miserable. Even fewer cars are being sold and almost all the old employees have quit. The stores reputation has been ruined from years of poor customer service. It is the worst store that I have ever worked at- no exageration. A change is definitely in order.

I'm sorry you are lonely today. What "date" are you talking about? Meeting the kids or...??? Did I miss something? Lol





Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 07:34 PM
SS,

You seem to have gotten what I was saying. Good first choices open up an entire world of possibilities that are just gone forever when our first choice is not such a good one.

If you talk to your xH, then you will keep a connection to him alive. Then when he wants top see you, you will want to see him and then after you see him, you will miss him as you begin to realize that nothing has changed, he is still a selfish a$$ and the whole cycle starts again...

If you jump into a relationship with another guy based not on a lifetime commitment to being a married couple but simply out of loneliness or for some solution to some other problem that he solves for you, then when a crisis comes along, you will not be able to weather the storm together because your being together is a temporary solution to a short term problem. Also, if you then see your xH, you will immediately want to be with him again and any guy you are with will become dead meat as you jump back into the love you have for your xH.

Get over your xH. Wait till you find a guy you know you want to share your life with and grow old together with and then never see your xH ever again for as long as you live.

You can't see old flames when in a new relationship and you can't forget an old flame when you are in contact all the time.

To be treated like a different person you need to become a different person. New phone number, new life without xH, life outlook on life...

So what new choices do you face now and what direction do you think you should go now?

Mark
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 08:37 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

You seem to have gotten what I was saying. Good first choices open up an entire world of possibilities that are just gone forever when our first choice is not such a good one.

If you talk to your xH, then you will keep a connection to him alive. Then when he wants top see you, you will want to see him and then after you see him, you will miss him as you begin to realize that nothing has changed, he is still a selfish a$$ and the whole cycle starts again...

If you jump into a relationship with another guy based not on a lifetime commitment to being a married couple but simply out of loneliness or for some solution to some other problem that he solves for you, then when a crisis comes along, you will not be able to weather the storm together because your being together is a temporary solution to a short term problem. Also, if you then see your xH, you will immediately want to be with him again and any guy you are with will become dead meat as you jump back into the love you have for your xH.

Get over your xH. Wait till you find a guy you know you want to share your life with and grow old together with and then never see your xH ever again for as long as you live.

You can't see old flames when in a new relationship and you can't forget an old flame when you are in contact all the time.

To be treated like a different person you need to become a different person. New phone number, new life without xH, life outlook on life...

So what new choices do you face now and what direction do you think you should go now?

Mark

I agree completely. My brain is starting to work again. "To be treated like a different person, I need to be a different person". I need to frame that. smile

These are the choices that I have to make and the directions that I want to go:

What do I need to do to get over my ex and live a happy life?
I must be able to support myself. I must be able to protect myself. I must not live selfishly and inflict pain on other. I must have some things to look forward to and some people to share life with. I must take better care of my health.

How do I support myself financially?
Must get a better job immediately or move to a more affordable place and get a new job.
I have already trimmed every non-essential from spending. I am not spending a single penny except for food, gas, and bills.

Do I stay here and struggle to meet my bills or do I go somewhere new that has better opportunities and is more affordable?
I want to go somewhere that has better job opportunities and a warmer climate. I want more affordable housing because I want to own a home. The housing market where I currently live is completely out of my price range. The cheapest houses start at $600k. It is unbelievably expensive here. Because I want to own a home, I can't leave if I can't break my lease because it will affect my credit. If I can't break the lease, I will work two jobs until April when my lease is over to support myself. It can be done.

If I can negotiate out of my lease, I will move to a city in Arkansas that made the CNN Money Top 10 Places to Live for 2010. It is within 3 hours of my rental property and friends. It is also far enough away that I won't run into any bad memories. Job growth for the town is over 26% for the year. Housing is extremely affordable. It is also in the Ozark mountains so I will have plenty of opportunities for outdoor activities. There are many beautiful lakes full of fish waiting to be caught. wink I have friends that have friends in the town in the business that I work. I personally know at least one General Manager that I can call for employment. I have a good network for employment there. I also have an open invitation with my closest friend until I find work. She used to live in the town that I want to live. She has offered to show me around and help me find a job and a place to live. She has family there also. Thank God for my friends and family. pray There are divorce support groups that starts in late August that are only $12 at several local churches.

How do I protect myself?
I need to avoid things and people that are harmful to me. I must make better choices. I must think more and lead my heart instead of following my heart. I need to focus more on living a good life. I need to find a church. I need to look into divorce support or counselling. I can't afford it right now. But I need to put it on the list of things to do once my finances are more stable. I have a church that I like here. I just need to start going again.


Do I keep having contact with my ex?
I want to. I want to hold out for a miracle. I want to restore my marriage. I want to be able to forgive him and forget everything.
But the cold hard facts are that I know my ex. He is charming, loving, and sweet. He does love me as much as he is capable. He is also a liar, selfish, and will never love me the way that I want and need to be loved. He will still want to go to bars and have his freedom. He won't protect his boundaries. It would drive me crazy. I have had enough of crazy. I want stability and love - not one or the other. So if I choose to maintain contact, I am choosing "crazy". TEEF The only sane choice would be to end all contact with my ex. doh2

When do I end contact with my ex?
There are some tax issues to resolve but they can be handled by mail or email (his least favorite methods). They should be resolved by October. The taxes were complicated by his move overseas while still married. I can wait until the taxes are handled to end contact or I can do it immediately. I am choosing to have necessary contact with him until the taxes are done. I am choosing to only communicate with him regarding that subject. I will not initiate or participate in any other contact whatsoever. I will not respond to texts or calls anymore. He is still in town until the 7/29. I may need support to resist seeing him again. crazy

Do I date?
No. Not until I get over my ex. Not until I don't want to talk to my ex. Not until I have run out of excuses to make contact with my ex. When I get lonely, my time would be more productively spent in service or volunteer work. I am blessed with true friends - smart women that have my back. I know I will be lonely. I need to not be selfish when seeking out companionship. I can spend time with friends and other projects. I have an afghan to finish and books to read. I don't need a man to mask the pain. I need to work through it so it is gone - not hidden.

How do I take care of my health on no budget?
I need to be aware of how much and what I am eating. I need to make smart choices. I need to get out everyday and walk the hills or at the beach. It is beautiful here. There is no excuse to not get outside. I need to put myself back on a schedule and just do it! I think it is time for a walk. smile
Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 08:44 PM
faint

Well I was going to come and see if I could give you some advice, but you did it yourself already laugh

hug You are one of the strongest women I know, you can do this!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 09:37 PM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
faint

Well I was going to come and see if I could give you some advice, but you did it yourself already laugh

hug You are one of the strongest women I know, you can do this!


Thanks Lil kiss

I just had a lovely walk.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 10:10 PM
SS,

You do recall Plan B being about holding out hope but having no contact because of the pain it causes you whenever you see your xH, right?

If you intend to wait to see if he ever extracts his head from his butt then that is absolutely Marriage Builders and can be supported absolutely even though others around you might not show the same support. But why do you keep talking to him and why on Earth would you agree to see him unless he said something that gave you reason to believe that he was now a different person and ready to engage in a real relationship with you?

So now you are reeling from having just had your hopes dashed again and now your reesolve returns and you are moving on again...

But at the same time you speak of holding out hope for a miracle...

Then let's talk about that miracle and what that would look like because easing back into an abusive situation isn't going to bring that about. And when you are thinking instead of feeling, you realize that is true. Wait a while to see if your xH ever gets it together. But he has to KNOW what you want from him in order to go on together. He got a Plan B letter, didn't he? If not NOW is the opportune time to send such a letter.

And then stop having contact with him but don't start looking for a replacement until you have given real Plan B separation, with none of his ENs being met by you a real chance.

Stop settling for crumbs...

If you are DONE, then be DONE with him.

If you believe there could be a miracle, wait for one.

On a side note: The Ozarks is one of my absolute favorite places on Earth. We will probably move there if we ever get out of debt here. It isn't a place to have lots of debt.

Mark



Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/18/10 10:42 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

You do recall Plan B being about holding out hope but having no contact because of the pain it causes you whenever you see your xH, right?

If you intend to wait to see if he ever extracts his head from his butt then that is absolutely Marriage Builders and can be supported absolutely even though others around you might not show the same support. But why do you keep talking to him and why on Earth would you agree to see him unless he said something that gave you reason to believe that he was now a different person and ready to engage in a real relationship with you?

He got a Plan B letter, didn't he? If not NOW is the opportune time to send such a letter.

And then stop having contact with him but don't start looking for a replacement until you have given real Plan B separation, with none of his ENs being met by you a real chance.

Stop settling for crumbs...

If you are DONE, then be DONE with him.

If you believe there could be a miracle, wait for one.

I think that my willingness to see him was intensified by trapping myself with the wrong person. I think that maybe if I had not cheated my recovery by jumping into a relationship that I knew was not good enough for marriage, I may have been stronger when my exh called.

I did give him a plan B letter months before he filed for divorce. He agreed to everything in the letter and begged me not to kick him out. So, I never went any farther. The divorce happened so quickly that there were loose ends to deal with: 401ks, rental property paperwork, mortgage stuff - so many excuses to have sporadic contact. He also hates "Marriage Builders". He felt that I spent more time listening to "those people" than him. I think he would be turned off by a "Marriage Builders" plan B letter #2. I think that he would just think that I am playing games with him or trying to manipulate him -which is not my intention. It would also be diluted by the fact that I have asked for N/C repeatedly in the past few months and I didn't enforce it. It is time to change my behavior. He has heard and read the words. I need to be strong when tested for a change. He will know that I am finally serious if I stop answering and responding. A new phone number is in order - and it is free. smile

I think, for my sake, based on what wasn't said when I saw him, I should be done with him. I don't want to give him a list of hoops to jump through. He would have to come up with a recovery plan if I ever considered it again. He would have to show me what he would be willing to do to protect me. I want someone that I can love, trust, that wants to protect me, and values me.

We haven't gone more than 3 weeks ever without some form of contact. I think 6 months would do me a world of good. That is my current goal.

Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 12:31 AM
My pastor made a great comment at church yesterday that your post reminded me of"

"A change of thinking changes nothing, unless there it results in a change of behaviour"
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 04:07 AM
Things are happening so fast it is hard to take it all in. It looks like I am going to be able to get out of my lease. hurray laugh I will know for certain tomorrow. If this really happens, I will have 10 days to pack up a house by myself and move it halfway across the country.

So, now I have more choices to make:

Professional movers or drive the truck myself towing my car?
I have requested quotes from movers. It will depend on cost and availability. I can pack up the house. I will need help moving the big furniture. I can't move big furniture by myself. I can drive a truck and I have towing experience. I could do it myself. I packed it up in 2 days last time by myself from my daughter's house to here so I know it can be easily done in 10 days. Ex-bf has offered to help me load the truck because he wants to see me one last time. Not sure if that would be good for him. It would be easier for me. But I need to make the right choice - not the easy choice. I could pay someone at each end to help me load a truck.

Start job hunting now or wait until I get there?
I would prefer to wait. I have a lot to handle. That would be the easy choice. It is currently the end of the month. In the auto industry, that is the best time to job hunt because they always want to have their best employees in place for a full month. Plus, I would start drawing a paycheck sooner if I am successful in my job search. So, I will work on my resume tomorrow in case they want a copy emailed and I will get my mind in job-hunting mode. I will need to give notice at work also.

I want to see my West coast family before I leave. Can I squeeze visits in?
My mom is 6 hours away by car. That can be done. My daughter is 16 hours away by car. Depending on how much it costs to move, I might be able to fly. Not sure about that one. I really want to hold my granddaughter again. I will have to see how it goes timewise and financially.

Am I making the right choices?
This is really scary! I have done the research and crunched the budget. This is the best decision based on research - not a knee-jerk reaction based on emotion. It's still really scary. I hope this is a good move. I do enjoy a road trip. I have moved cross country many times with my ex-husband. I have towed a motorhome and trailers many times. I have driven a moving truck one time. I remember a lot of wind buffeting. This will be my first road trip solo. I am terrified and excited. I will drive only in the daytime - 8 hours per day max. I will only go forward - no going back in a 26' truck and car dolly. faint



Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 06:10 PM
Awesome still!!!!!!

You have accomplished so much today!!!! I went to a Doctors appointment and got pre approved for a car loan!!

You go for it!!!!!! You inspire me!!!!

Have to go see the car dealer as I am wanting a 99 Ford Mustang Convertible!!! Know what they are asking and know what I will pay, not a need but a want!!!!!

Laer,
Dawn
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 06:58 PM
Still standing,
At least you have figured things out and are learning through it all. Sometimes it seems like (our relationships) are like an addiction and when you trade XH for new BF, it's almost just like that...a trade, one set of problems for another. How good it is to figure out that we need to rely on ourselves, enjoy our own company, and be there for ourselves! Then and only then are we ready when that right relationship comes along.
You and Mark's dialog is showing the lightbulb is on!
Posted By: staytogether Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 07:22 PM
Hi SS2

An awful lot has happened here and i am so pleased to see that once again you have come through still standing and planning.I love the way you throw yourself at things.

I had my reservations about your BF, only, of course, because I could pick up so much on your own reservations.



Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by daybreak
Awesome still!!!!!!

You have accomplished so much today!!!! I went to a Doctors appointment and got pre approved for a car loan!!

You go for it!!!!!! You inspire me!!!!

Have to go see the car dealer as I am wanting a 99 Ford Mustang Convertible!!! Know what they are asking and know what I will pay, not a need but a want!!!!!

Laer,
Dawn

Well I am out of my lease. hurray hurray hurray

I have to be cleared out by 7/26. faint

I decided to pack myself (I have lots of experience packing) and rent two 16'containers. They will be delivered tomorrow. They will be picked up on 7/26 and will be transported to my new location and stored until I have an address. Then they will deliver my containers to my new address. I am glad I don't have to drive a massive moving truck. I have also made a call for local labor to help with the heavy stuff - that is not confirmed yet. I also have a call in to former BILs to see if they might help. I have started packing and organizing. I will be on the road next Monday.

My best friend, who lives near where I am going is excited that I am "coming home". She has also been throwing out the job net for me. She knows everybody in my industry (I met her at work). She is wonderful!

Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 09:02 PM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Still standing,
At least you have figured things out and are learning through it all. Sometimes it seems like (our relationships) are like an addiction and when you trade XH for new BF, it's almost just like that...a trade, one set of problems for another. How good it is to figure out that we need to rely on ourselves, enjoy our own company, and be there for ourselves! Then and only then are we ready when that right relationship comes along.
You and Mark's dialog is showing the lightbulb is on!

I agree. I hate the pull that my ex has on me. I did trade one set of problems for another. I made poor choices and hurt other people.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 09:04 PM
Originally Posted by staytogether
Hi SS2

An awful lot has happened here and i am so pleased to see that once again you have come through still standing and planning.I love the way you throw yourself at things.

I had my reservations about your BF, only, of course, because I could pick up so much on your own reservations.

Thank you ST kiss
Time to get back to packing. Did I mention that packing sucks? dramaqueen
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/19/10 11:08 PM
SS,

When we are broken and begin a relationship in order to become whole, the relationship depends on the brokenness in order to exist. If a person completes us in some way to fill in the parts that are missing or to make us feel whole again, it is only as long as we each remain as we are (broken) that we can remain in the relationship.

It is the joining of two whole people, each perhaps with problems or something that is missing from their lives and yet each able to know who and what they are without another person to fill in the missing parts, able to stand alone and in their own life, that is one of the greatest miracles of God. You see, it is God that can provide what we need and not just what is missing or what we think we want right now. He knows far more about what we really need in order to become the person He desires us to be than we could ever understand.

His plans for us are that we should become like Him and that we would become reliant on His provision and not have to seek another person to fill the hole inside of us. By allowing Him to fill us with Himself we are made whole and able to stand in times of hardship. Then and only then are we truly able to join with another person in a way that fulfills the intent God had for us from the very beginning.

If we join to someone based on our brokenness, then we can't possibly grow or heal or become whole because the joining requires that the brokenness and missing parts remain as they are. Only by healing and becoming whole and healthy ourselves can we have a healthy relationship with another person.

Mark
Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 01:44 AM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Well I am out of my lease. hurray hurray hurray

I have to be cleared out by 7/26. faint

I decided to pack myself (I have lots of experience packing) and rent two 16'containers. They will be delivered tomorrow. They will be picked up on 7/26 and will be transported to my new location and stored until I have an address. Then they will deliver my containers to my new address. I am glad I don't have to drive a massive moving truck. I have also made a call for local labor to help with the heavy stuff - that is not confirmed yet. I also have a call in to former BILs to see if they might help. I have started packing and organizing. I will be on the road next Monday.

My best friend, who lives near where I am going is excited that I am "coming home". She has also been throwing out the job net for me. She knows everybody in my industry (I met her at work). She is wonderful!
faint

Jeepers! When you make a decision, you sure move fast! I feel like such a procrastinator LOL.

clap
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 03:17 PM
You know, SS, I applaud your moving forward with resolve, but based on a couple of recent decisions that you made, I have to ask you if you have really thought this through, not just looked at the emotional side, the way you FEEL, but the long term consequences of what you have decided to do. If so, then great.

But considering the recent past, are you absolutely certain that what you are doing is the right choice long term and not just a reaction to the current situation? That is how we end up making bad choices. We react to circumstances instead of processing the data we have and choosing based on the best options for our lives.

Mark
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 03:42 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
You know, SS, I applaud your moving forward with resolve, but based on a couple of recent decisions that you made, I have to ask you if you have really thought this through, not just looked at the emotional side, the way you FEEL, but the long term consequences of what you have decided to do. If so, then great.

But considering the recent past, are you absolutely certain that what you are doing is the right choice long term and not just a reaction to the current situation? That is how we end up making bad choices. We react to circumstances instead of processing the data we have and choosing based on the best options for our lives.

Mark

Thank you Mark. I want to make sure that I am making better choices. I want to live somewhere that I can afford to support myself, save some money for a house, and live happily ever after - even if its just me. I have never lived where I wanted to live. I have always lived within my comfort zone. I have moved to follow a husband or children. This is my chance to live anywhere that I want to live for me. I researched housing, jobs, weather, leisure opportunities, air quality, population demographics, churches, education opportunities, and divorce recovery support groups. It is a bonus that the city is 3 hours away from my rental property and my dearest friend. I do feel that this is the best decision that I can make given my options.

The only close family that I have in California now is my mom and grandmother. My mother has wanted to move for years. Before I discovered my husband's affair, we were talking about my mom and grama moving to Arkansas with us. If I find a great place, my mom would happily join me. She is excited for me. She could sell her condo and retire comfortably if she moved to Arkansaas. She is already planning to visit for Thanksgiving to check out the area.

My container has arrived. I have to get packing. cool
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 03:45 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

When we are broken and begin a relationship in order to become whole, the relationship depends on the brokenness in order to exist. If a person completes us in some way to fill in the parts that are missing or to make us feel whole again, it is only as long as we each remain as we are (broken) that we can remain in the relationship.

It is the joining of two whole people, each perhaps with problems or something that is missing from their lives and yet each able to know who and what they are without another person to fill in the missing parts, able to stand alone and in their own life, that is one of the greatest miracles of God. You see, it is God that can provide what we need and not just what is missing or what we think we want right now. He knows far more about what we really need in order to become the person He desires us to be than we could ever understand.

His plans for us are that we should become like Him and that we would become reliant on His provision and not have to seek another person to fill the hole inside of us. By allowing Him to fill us with Himself we are made whole and able to stand in times of hardship. Then and only then are we truly able to join with another person in a way that fulfills the intent God had for us from the very beginning.

If we join to someone based on our brokenness, then we can't possibly grow or heal or become whole because the joining requires that the brokenness and missing parts remain as they are. Only by healing and becoming whole and healthy ourselves can we have a healthy relationship with another person.

Mark

I have always heard that we have to be happy being alone to be happy with someone else. I never understood why - until I read your post. Thank you for explaining it in a way that I "could finally get it". I think that God is using you to do good here Mark. Thank you.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 05:42 PM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
faint

Jeepers! When you make a decision, you sure move fast! I feel like such a procrastinator LOL.

clap

dance2
I don't need a gym this week. I have a new appreciation for every man that has ever loaded a box for me when I moved. I am humping these boxes by myself today and not really enjoying it. sigh
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/20/10 10:59 PM
SS,

FWIW, the Arkansas or southern Mizzou Ozarks is where I want to live. When I am there, it feels like home, more so than where I have lived my entire life.

Houses that sell for 250K and up around here are going for around 100K there. And we're talking new construction here. You can still pick your floors and cabinets.

On the other hand, it is an area that is very difficult to have a 30 year mortgage and any additional debt. In many small communities, the number one employer is Walmart. The county where I want to live in southern Missouri has as it's top employer a truck stop along US 63 and number two is the smallest Walmart I have ever seen. People in the area typically have to drive 75 to 100 miles each way to be gainfully employed.

OTOH, taxes on a 4 bedroom house on 40 acres is about 400 bucks per year so for retirement, if you can pay for a house outright, living is really cheap. There are jobs, but many of them are seasonal. Additionally, the places with the most jobs are the places I would least like to live. I don't want to be near Branson or Mountain Home. I want to be in Viola or Dawt or Dora or someplace along those lines.

We had a plan to retire that meant that we would soon have enough equity in our house and vacation property to pay off our debt and pay cash for a house. Retirement income could come from a 401K and the retirement plan at work until we both qualify for SS.

So now the 401K is more like a 201K and the retirement program at work is about 50K below what it once was and is being dissolved. Our house is down about 35K and our vacation property is down about 15K.

Health insurance just went up 35%, I haven't had a bonus in two years (it was once over 5k per year) and overtime is all but gone.

I now figure that I will be able to retire when I am 103 or three years after I die...

Whichever comes first...

Mark
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/21/10 02:37 AM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

FWIW, the Arkansas or southern Mizzou Ozarks is where I want to live. When I am there, it feels like home, more so than where I have lived my entire life.

Houses that sell for 250K and up around here are going for around 100K there. And we're talking new construction here. You can still pick your floors and cabinets.

On the other hand, it is an area that is very difficult to have a 30 year mortgage and any additional debt. In many small communities, the number one employer is Walmart. The county where I want to live in southern Missouri has as it's top employer a truck stop along US 63 and number two is the smallest Walmart I have ever seen. People in the area typically have to drive 75 to 100 miles each way to be gainfully employed.

OTOH, taxes on a 4 bedroom house on 40 acres is about 400 bucks per year so for retirement, if you can pay for a house outright, living is really cheap. There are jobs, but many of them are seasonal. Additionally, the places with the most jobs are the places I would least like to live. I don't want to be near Branson or Mountain Home. I want to be in Viola or Dawt or Dora or someplace along those lines.

We had a plan to retire that meant that we would soon have enough equity in our house and vacation property to pay off our debt and pay cash for a house. Retirement income could come from a 401K and the retirement plan at work until we both qualify for SS.

So now the 401K is more like a 201K and the retirement program at work is about 50K below what it once was and is being dissolved. Our house is down about 35K and our vacation property is down about 15K.

Health insurance just went up 35%, I haven't had a bonus in two years (it was once over 5k per year) and overtime is all but gone.

I now figure that I will be able to retire when I am 103 or three years after I die...

Whichever comes first...

Mark

Luckily for me, I am in an industry that is always hiring. The income has gone down with the economy but I know that I will find work. I need to work on debt reduction too! This little escapade on the Pacific central coast has been very expensive.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/23/10 02:05 PM
still,

It's Friday!!! I hope your weeks is still going strong!!!! Have been thinking of you and all that you are doing this week!!!

My x and my dad were both military so we usually had the movers come, but every once in awhile we would think "ah what the heck we'll do it ourselves and keep the money" Always made it but with lots of work and lots of friends.

You are going to a beautiful area of the country my daughter lived in Benton just south of Little Rock for 2 years!!!

Take care and up date us when you can!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/23/10 03:59 PM
Originally Posted by daybreak
still,

It's Friday!!! I hope your weeks is still going strong!!!! Have been thinking of you and all that you are doing this week!!!
My week has gone so smoothly that I have packed everything that I can until my hired labor comes on Saturday to help with heavy and oversized furniture. I am actually just about out of work to do. I am going to run some errands and enjoy the beach today to kill time. Sunday is cleaning day. Monday my containers get picked up and I walk through the house with the landlord. Then, I am heading home to Arkansas. I am itching to be on the road already!

Originally Posted by daybreak
My x and my dad were both military so we usually had the movers come, but every once in awhile we would think "ah what the heck we'll do it ourselves and keep the money" Always made it but with lots of work and lots of friends.
I thought about movers. I have heard such horror stories though and I have packed so many times that I have it down to a science. When I was married, we moved a lot because of my husband's job. I moved 8 times in 10 years. This is my third move in the last year. I am really looking forward to be able to stay put and grow some roots.

Originally Posted by daybreak
You are going to a beautiful area of the country my daughter lived in Benton just south of Little Rock for 2 years!!!

Take care and up date us when you can!!!

Dawn
I know where Benton is! I used to drive through it on my way to Lake Ouachita - my favorite lake so far. I am going to be about 3 hours north of that.

Thanks for checking up on me. I am excited and ready to move. It does get very quiet and lonely around here though. I am getting a little stir-crazy. I haven't seen another person for a week. Thank goodness for telephones and the internet. I am looking forward to getting out of the house today!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/24/10 01:28 AM
Every morning this week, I have woken up with excuses to call my ex-husband... I have not contacted him. I have stuck to my promise to myself to be in a Plan B for me. I can think of a dozen loose ends that need to be handled. They are all excuses. My actions are matching my words and intentions this week. I feel much stronger. I feel like I am protecting myself and making progress. It feels really good to be on course.
Posted By: Fred_in_VA Re: Moving on - 07/24/10 03:51 AM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Luckily for me, I am in an industry that is always hiring.
Wow. Where do I send my resume?

I've been looking for work since April and have not even received a simple, "Thank you for your application" response! I too, thought being in the IT field was recession-proof, but this economy has just added icing to the cake that my ex-wife's adultery baked.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/24/10 04:01 AM
Go to your nearest car dealership. Lol. They are always hiring!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/24/10 04:02 AM
But don't send a resume. They hire PEOPLE not paper. wink
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/24/10 06:22 AM
still,


Glad that you seen yourself that they are just excuses to contact x. Good for you to sticking to plan B!!! Stay strong!!!

Have a safe Saturday, hope everything gets loaded!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/25/10 01:33 AM
Two big strong friendly men came to load my containers first thing this morning. I may never enlist friends again. They came prepared to work! They got everything to fit in one container instead of 2 so they saved me a bunch of money on transportation costs too. They were super polite too. I had some time to kill today so I got in my car and ran some errands and then took a nap on the deck. I'm spackling picture holes in the walls tonight and will start cleaning up. Tomorrow, if I get done cleaning early, I may go to a movie or get my nails done. I might just do both! The container gets picked up Monday morning. I meet with the landlord afterwards. Then, I'll be on the road heading home.

Still haven't had contact with my ex-husband and it is getting easier.

It sure is quiet and spacious without tv, radio, or furniture. It is only for a couple days though. It is good to live simply every once in awhile - makes you appreciate things. smile

I'm back on track.

Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/25/10 04:32 PM
I woke up feeling really lazy this morning. All week I have been fighting back this lump in my throat- tears of gratitude for friends that stand by me no matter what and family that always loves me - even when I'm lost. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of feeling sad about an ex that didn't keep his promises. I'm scared and nervous about moving. But, I am far from alone. I know that I can do this. I know that I will be okay.

I called my mom last night when I got lonely. We talked about how much has changed in the last year. I told her that I would call her every night when I stopped for the day so she would know that I am ok. I shared my travel route and plans with her. I also emailed her my list of people to contact if something ever happened to me. I emailed the same list to my best friend in Arkansas since I am going to be staying with her for a week or two until I get settled in.

Time to get moving!

Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/26/10 02:54 AM
I am not feeling afraid anymore tonight. I am feeling strong and calm. House is clean and ready to vacate. I will be driving home tomorrow. I may not be around here as much because it is time to get serious about living. I am tired of grieving. I am feeling at peace with my life tonight. There has been too much turmoil this last year. I have nobody to interrupt my thoughts or distract me now that I have had some time to myself. I like having time to think. I have learned a lot through this mess. There were many times in the last year that I truly did not see how I would survive the aftermath of my ex-husband's infidelity or the divorce that I never wanted. I was utterly lost. There were so many times it just seemed too hard. I feel like I am finally ready to let go of the hurt and the disappointments. I am standing on the edge of something wonderful and new. I can start to see it. I feel ready. This has been a year to learn much the hard way:

There are no sure things.
Guard what you value you most - always.
Stand up for yourself early. Don't put up with nonsense just to keep the peace.
Always listen to your gut. Your gut is on your side.
Don't take time or people for granted.
The bad times do get better - slowly.
I am so much stronger than I thought.
I am much more self-sufficient than I thought.
I can fall flat on my face and get back up and try again and be okay. It is even ok to stay down for a minute and catch my breath before I stand back up again. Lol.
It is okay to accept help if you need it.
You can love somebody with all your heart, watch them walk away, and have peace (eventually). Life can even get better.
The only person that I can make change is myself.
Words and intentions are nothing without actions to back them up.
There are no little lies.


Thank you everyone that took the time to post to me. Thank you for caring.


Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/26/10 08:27 PM
ss2,
I have to say I really admire you! This seems so major to me and you are just tackling it head on! Please continue to keep us posted as to how things go with getting a new place, job, friends, etc. How exciting though! And congrats on staying away from X, don't need him! The unknown future is way better than the known past!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 04:29 AM
Thanks Kaystamper! I have just checked in for the night. I drove 542 miles since noon when I left. I got a message on my voicemail while I was driving from a potential employer in my new town. He saw my resume on Careerbuilders and he said that he loved it! I'm really excited. He wants to meet me asap.
Posted By: Greengables Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 11:45 AM
That's fabulous news!!! Here's to new beginnings.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 03:15 PM
Still going strong. Still on track. Getting ready to get on the road again. Checked my email and have another response to a job application that I sent over the weekend. Also have a friend connection interview. So, now I have three job interviews lined up for next week. They are all good jobs too!
Posted By: nams Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 03:47 PM
Good luck to you. Boy do I need a new line of work. You seem to have job opportunities falling down from the sky.

I'm an art teacher looking for full time work and believe me, employers are not out there looking for candidates. Jobs openings are often posted for a short time then filled right away.

Due to the economy schools are struggling and there are many well qualified candidates out there.

I've not posted to you before but have been reading. I wish you the best in your new life.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 08:51 PM
SS2,
I too am surprised and the quick job interviews...what line of work are you in?
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 07/27/10 09:59 PM
still!!!!

Awesome!!!! Way to go girl!!!! 542 miles are a lot! Stay focused!!!!

Best wishes to you!!!

Dawn
Posted By: barbiecat Re: Moving on - 07/28/10 04:31 AM
Nams; I teach Art full time. I know the market stinks!

BC

end T/J
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/28/10 05:20 AM
Drove 832 miles today. I have been in sales for 25 years. 15 years in sales management. I have just under 600 miles left. I should be done tomorrow.

Today was hard. I have lots of moving memories tied to my ex. We moved 8 times in ten years and lived all over the country. This is my first move solo. I never would have had the confidence to do a move like this if I hadn't lived that kind of life with him. I also wouldn't have met the friends that I will be staying with in Arkansas. Everything happens for a reason.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 07/28/10 06:43 PM
Sales, that leaves me out! You must be good! How much further do you have to travel?
Posted By: nams Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 01:09 AM
Hey barbicat,

Mon. will be my third interview and it's at the school I student taught at. That probably got me an interview but then it's all up to me. I down loaded a book called something like How to Get Teaching Job. There are some helpful tips that I will incorporate.

This school year there are definitely more openings though there are also more teachers looking and less full time jobs being offered.

What level do you teach? Inner city, suburbs, rural? Do you have time for your own work? What do do?

Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 12:22 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Drove 832 miles today. I have been in sales for 25 years. 15 years in sales management. I have just under 600 miles left. I should be done tomorrow.

Today was hard. I have lots of moving memories tied to my ex. We moved 8 times in ten years and lived all over the country. This is my first move solo. I never would have had the confidence to do a move like this if I hadn't lived that kind of life with him. I also wouldn't have met the friends that I will be staying with in Arkansas. Everything happens for a reason.

What part of AR? I am in the Northwest area....beautiful here.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 01:44 PM
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
What part of AR? I am in the Northwest area....beautiful here.


I'm staying with friends in Little Rock and I'm job hunting in Fayetteville. I hope to move there once I have settle on a new job. Arkansas is beautiful. I forgot how green it was. I felt like I was home as soon as I crossed the border. My friends here are wonderful. Today I am doing a little shopping for work interview clothes and I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I'm gearing up for my interviews next week. smile
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 01:51 PM
Originally Posted by nams
Good luck to you. Boy do I need a new line of work. You seem to have job opportunities falling down from the sky.

I'm an art teacher looking for full time work and believe me, employers are not out there looking for candidates. Jobs openings are often posted for a short time then filled right away.

Due to the economy schools are struggling and there are many well qualified candidates out there.

I've not posted to you before but have been reading. I wish you the best in your new life.

Being an art teacher sounds a lot more rewarding and fun! Those were my favorite classes in school. Good luck on your search! Have you thought about working in a gallery or museum?
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 02:16 PM
SS,

Say "Hi" to my friends in NLR and Sherwood...grin

Don't know that surf rods will be much good but bank fishing can be had at Cooks Landing off of Crystal Hill Road and a few places around Conway Lake.

If they're still there, grab a bite to eat at Pig n Chick on JFK Blvd or hit the Sr Tequila for lunch on Sunday afternoon.

Mark
Posted By: staytogether Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 03:34 PM
kiss (for SS2)

Soooooo exciting. Don't wear yourself out. Please look after yourself.


Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 11:25 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

Say "Hi" to my friends in NLR and Sherwood...grin

Don't know that surf rods will be much good but bank fishing can be had at Cooks Landing off of Crystal Hill Road and a few places around Conway Lake.

If they're still there, grab a bite to eat at Pig n Chick on JFK Blvd or hit the Sr Tequila for lunch on Sunday afternoon.

Mark

Haha! No won't use the surf rod much but there is great fishing all around. I'm actually staying in Sherwood and the Pig n Chick has great BBQ. We went to Las Palmas today for Mexican while we were out shopping for interview clothes. I have been to Sr. Tequila many times though. It's a small world. laugh
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 07/29/10 11:28 PM
Originally Posted by staytogether
kiss (for SS2)

Soooooo exciting. Don't wear yourself out. Please look after yourself.

smile I'm doing fine. Got some great new work clothes today. Getting my hair done tomorrow. Will be ready for interviews next week! We are going to scout my new area on Saturday.
Posted By: nams Re: Moving on - 07/31/10 02:12 PM
Hi SS2, museum work requires a different skill set unless it's teaching a few classes. I'm part of a gallery, a co-op, where I sell my work and all the members staff the place. I also teach for a local community center, but even combined none of these are enough money to live on.

I can always sub. but that too is not a living due to the uneven nature of it. There are a couple of long term sub jobs that I may be able to look into if a full time job doesn't work out. All will be pretty clear in another couple of weeks considering school starts in about 4 weeks.

Teaching art is great, though there are plenty of kids simply filling the seats because they must. Still, I can't imagine teaching anything else.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/02/10 09:06 PM
Wow, sounds like you're a go-getter! I'm impressed! I'm sure you'll have no problem getting a job...new hair, new clothes, and exuding confidence and pleasant personality!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/02/10 09:29 PM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Wow, sounds like you're a go-getter! I'm impressed! I'm sure you'll have no problem getting a job...new hair, new clothes, and exuding confidence and pleasant personality!
Thank you for the nice compliment! I just finished my first interview and got the job. I'm super nervous and excited. It is a little scary to be so far out of my comfort zone but I think it will be good. I have awesome friends that recomended me for the job. Now I have to prove myself. I have also found a short-term place to stay.

And, it is gorgeous here: expansive rolling lush green hills.

Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/03/10 08:26 PM
Congratulations! Wow, that is so great! And I hear ya about stretching yourself, that's always good for us!
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/04/10 01:59 PM
still,

Awesome!!!! Way to go girl!!!!! Best wishes!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/05/10 10:51 AM
Originally Posted by daybreak
still,

Awesome!!!! Way to go girl!!!!! Best wishes!!!!

Dawn
Thank you! I leave my girlfriends house today to go to my new town 3 hours away. I'm going to get settled in, do some grocery shopping, and find a gym. I start my new job Friday.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/05/10 05:58 PM
Good luck with the new job!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/08/10 01:23 PM
I am off today. I like my new job. I am the only woman in the place but I am used to that in the car business. The guys seem very nice so far. I am friendly at work but unwilling to socialize outside of work with the men that I work with. When I am new on the job, there are always some men that want to take the "new girl" out. That's not happening! I'm still in a hotel. I joined a gym. I found a church nearby that I am going to attend today.

I am a little lonely. I am new in town and don't know anybody here yet. I am trying to stay busy and make choices that will put me in the right places to make some new friends. My best friend (that I stayed with last week) calls me everyday to check on me when I get off from work.

I plan to relax a little today, go to church, go to the gym, and do some exploring.
Posted By: InvincibleMe Re: Moving on - 08/08/10 07:21 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
There are no sure things.
Guard what you value you most - always.
Stand up for yourself early. Don't put up with nonsense just to keep the peace.
Always listen to your gut. Your gut is on your side.
Don't take time or people for granted.
The bad times do get better - slowly.
I am so much stronger than I thought.
I am much more self-sufficient than I thought.
I can fall flat on my face and get back up and try again and be okay. It is even ok to stay down for a minute and catch my breath before I stand back up again. Lol.
It is okay to accept help if you need it.
You can love somebody with all your heart, watch them walk away, and have peace (eventually). Life can even get better.
The only person that I can make change is myself.
Words and intentions are nothing without actions to back them up.
There are no little lies.

I have not checked your thread in a while, but I wanted to say this really holds significance for me personally. There are many thoughts/emotions you have posted that I can empathize with completely, especially since I have just had my D-Day. I think you are doing great, SS2. Yes, you have setbacks from time to time--but I can see that you are making better decisions and recognizing it faster when you have made the wrong choice.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/09/10 12:09 AM
Originally Posted by InvincibleMe
I have not checked your thread in a while, but I wanted to say this really holds significance for me personally. There are many thoughts/emotions you have posted that I can empathize with completely, especially since I have just had my D-Day. I think you are doing great, SS2. Yes, you have setbacks from time to time--but I can see that you are making better decisions and recognizing it faster when you have made the wrong choice.

I am so sorry that you have just had a d-day. Nooo

I am sure that you are feeling pretty lousy right now. Waywards suck! rant2

Thank you for your kind words.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 08/10/10 11:50 AM
Heyy SS2, i see like always you have taken the bull by the horns and ran.

Please make sure you take care of yourself and DO NOT let your ex even know where you are living now.

hug

SC
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Moving on - 08/10/10 01:32 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am not feeling afraid anymore tonight. I am feeling strong and calm. House is clean and ready to vacate. I will be driving home tomorrow. I may not be around here as much because it is time to get serious about living. I am tired of grieving. I am feeling at peace with my life tonight. There has been too much turmoil this last year. I have nobody to interrupt my thoughts or distract me now that I have had some time to myself. I like having time to think. I have learned a lot through this mess. There were many times in the last year that I truly did not see how I would survive the aftermath of my ex-husband's infidelity or the divorce that I never wanted. I was utterly lost. There were so many times it just seemed too hard. I feel like I am finally ready to let go of the hurt and the disappointments. I am standing on the edge of something wonderful and new. I can start to see it. I feel ready. This has been a year to learn much the hard way:

There are no sure things.
Guard what you value you most - always.
Stand up for yourself early. Don't put up with nonsense just to keep the peace.
Always listen to your gut. Your gut is on your side.
Don't take time or people for granted.
The bad times do get better - slowly.
I am so much stronger than I thought.
I am much more self-sufficient than I thought.
I can fall flat on my face and get back up and try again and be okay. It is even ok to stay down for a minute and catch my breath before I stand back up again. Lol.
It is okay to accept help if you need it.
You can love somebody with all your heart, watch them walk away, and have peace (eventually). Life can even get better.
The only person that I can make change is myself.
Words and intentions are nothing without actions to back them up.
There are no little lies.


Thank you everyone that took the time to post to me. Thank you for caring.

Notable posts HERE !!!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/11/10 03:29 AM
Wow. I am honored to have written something "notable". Hope it helps somebody else.

My last struggle has been with true forgiveness. I had recurring nightmares about my XH last week. It was very distressing. I started praying for him because I don't want him to be hurt. I want him to be safe and whole again. So, I started praying for him. My nightmares stopped immediately. I started to feel genuine peaceful forgiveness. I was finally to the point where I knew I had forgiven him and I wish him well. I feel like I have put down the burden of resentment and bitterness. I don't know why things have turned out the way that they have turned out. But, I accept the reality of my life. I don't want him back. I just want him safe. I want to be safe too. I want to be happy too.

I don't know what lies ahead in my future. I do know that I have many daily choices that can bring me closer or further from my dreams. Life is short. I cannot afford to spend another minute longing for the past. My eyes are open to the present. I am very blessed.

Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/11/10 06:06 AM
still,

You are very blessed!!!! You are a very special person!!!!! You will see by giving that forgiveness there is a calming peace that settles around you.

The past is the past and best left there,the future is ahead and worth looking forward to!!! There are awesome things out in front of you just waiting for you to discover them!! You keep going forward girl!!!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Moving on - 08/11/10 02:22 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Wow. I am honored to have written something "notable". Hope it helps somebody else.

My last struggle has been with true forgiveness. I had recurring nightmares about my XH last week. It was very distressing. I started praying for him because I don't want him to be hurt. I want him to be safe and whole again. So, I started praying for him. My nightmares stopped immediately. I started to feel genuine peaceful forgiveness. I was finally to the point where I knew I had forgiven him and I wish him well. I feel like I have put down the burden of resentment and bitterness. I don't know why things have turned out the way that they have turned out. But, I accept the reality of my life. I don't want him back. I just want him safe. I want to be safe too. I want to be happy too.

I don't know what lies ahead in my future. I do know that I have many daily choices that can bring me closer or further from my dreams. Life is short. I cannot afford to spend another minute longing for the past. My eyes are open to the present. I am very blessed.

Congrats on your new job/new town/new life. Did you end up in the Fayetteville area? Beautiful there isn't it? You are very close to me....around an hour or so.

How long have you been divorced? I ask because my divorce was final end of November and I do not wish my XH peace. I wish him to suffer in some way! LOL....And I'm aware I have to forgive someday to let myself heal....but I'm no where near there. I still feel like I hate him.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 08/11/10 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Wow. I am honored to have written something "notable". Hope it helps somebody else.

My last struggle has been with true forgiveness. I had recurring nightmares about my XH last week. It was very distressing. I started praying for him because I don't want him to be hurt. I want him to be safe and whole again. So, I started praying for him. My nightmares stopped immediately. I started to feel genuine peaceful forgiveness. I was finally to the point where I knew I had forgiven him and I wish him well. I feel like I have put down the burden of resentment and bitterness. I don't know why things have turned out the way that they have turned out. But, I accept the reality of my life. I don't want him back. I just want him safe. I want to be safe too. I want to be happy too.

I don't know what lies ahead in my future. I do know that I have many daily choices that can bring me closer or further from my dreams. Life is short. I cannot afford to spend another minute longing for the past. My eyes are open to the present. I am very blessed.

Yes you are very blessed my friend and i am glad that you have finally realized that to move forward you have to let go of the past.....

hug

SC
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/11/10 04:40 PM
Still,
Thank you for sharing that with us, you are a great example of what God can do. I do not wish my ex bad no matter what he's done to me, I pray God get a hold of him sometime before he dies so He can extend His grace to him.
As for my ex-fiance, I pray for him and his mother both. He is a Christian but he is going through a really rough time and I pray God will give him strength and peace and who knows, maybe someday we can be friends, once I have healed inside I think anything's possible.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 03:34 AM
Originally Posted by daybreak
still,

You are very blessed!!!! You are a very special person!!!!! You will see by giving that forgiveness there is a calming peace that settles around you.

The past is the past and best left there,the future is ahead and worth looking forward to!!! There are awesome things out in front of you just waiting for you to discover them!! You keep going forward girl!!!!!!

Dawn

Dawn, I know that you will appreciate this. I bought a new car today at work: a 2010 Mazda Miata hard top convertible 6-speed manual transmission (my preference), dark blue metallic with tan leather interior. It is soooo cute! I also got a great deal. I am the new Finance Director after all. dance2

My previous car was very nice too but it was a lease (employee deal) and the OW and the WXH had been in it. The lease was finally due. My new car is ALL mine! smile
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 03:56 AM
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Congrats on your new job/new town/new life. Did you end up in the Fayetteville area? Beautiful there isn't it? You are very close to me....around an hour or so.

How long have you been divorced? I ask because my divorce was final end of November and I do not wish my XH peace. I wish him to suffer in some way! LOL....And I'm aware I have to forgive someday to let myself heal....but I'm no where near there. I still feel like I hate him.

I got a job in Bentonville. It is really pretty here. I love it. Everybody at work is really nice and I am doing well. I have been divorced since last November. I have no children with my XH. He also lives in another country now. My d-day was in Feb/2009. My XH did not move in with OW. She stayed with her BS. Your situation is different than mine. Everybody's timetable is different. I am grateful for space from my XH. I can have a life without the constant outside reminders. Your situation is different because you have to deal with your WXH because of your child. You will have to work a lot harder to maintain separation from your ex while still raising a child together. It can be done but it is not easy. My first divorce did not involve adultery. It did involve child custody and visitation. It was a pain in the A$$.

I never really hated my ex. My feelings were hurt and I was more disappointed than anything else.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 03:59 AM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Still,
Thank you for sharing that with us, you are a great example of what God can do. I do not wish my ex bad no matter what he's done to me, I pray God get a hold of him sometime before he dies so He can extend His grace to him.
As for my ex-fiance, I pray for him and his mother both. He is a Christian but he is going through a really rough time and I pray God will give him strength and peace and who knows, maybe someday we can be friends, once I have healed inside I think anything's possible.

You sound better today. I'm glad. smile
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 01:27 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Congrats on your new job/new town/new life. Did you end up in the Fayetteville area? Beautiful there isn't it? You are very close to me....around an hour or so.

How long have you been divorced? I ask because my divorce was final end of November and I do not wish my XH peace. I wish him to suffer in some way! LOL....And I'm aware I have to forgive someday to let myself heal....but I'm no where near there. I still feel like I hate him.

I got a job in Bentonville. It is really pretty here. I love it. Everybody at work is really nice and I am doing well. I have been divorced since last November. I have no children with my XH. He also lives in another country now. My d-day was in Feb/2009. My XH did not move in with OW. She stayed with her BS. Your situation is different than mine. Everybody's timetable is different. I am grateful for space from my XH. I can have a life without the constant outside reminders. Your situation is different because you have to deal with your WXH because of your child. You will have to work a lot harder to maintain separation from your ex while still raising a child together. It can be done but it is not easy. My first divorce did not involve adultery. It did involve child custody and visitation. It was a pain in the A$$.

I never really hated my ex. My feelings were hurt and I was more disappointed than anything else.

Bentonville is a great area. Beautiful country.

Your D day and divorce finality are almost exactly the same as mine. The difference is the child involved...AND the fact that the OW in my case divorced her husband and is still seeing my now XH. It makes it soooooooo much harder.

I feel like I spend every minute dreading the next drop off. Wednesday at 5:30-8:30 everyother Friday evening at 6:00 (then I get him back Saturday at 6:00) and then drop him off the next day (Sunday) at 2:00 and get him back at 8:00. I realized that although it isn't much time that ds has to spend with XH, there is an extra drop off in there because ds comes home on Saturday night of his visitation weekend. I wouldn't change that for anything because it allows ds to never miss Sunday morning religous services...but it does cost me an extra interaction with XH.

Ugh. Glad you are better though! I fantasize about moving across country and never having to see him again.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 08:26 PM
Stillstanding great post.

It is definitely a notable. The only notable I got was when I confronted OW which was more amusing but self satisfaction.

You seem strong and you are beginning to thrive.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/12/10 10:34 PM
Still Standing,
Congrats on the new car! That ought to perk up anybody's day! smile
I did okay yesterday until last night...I bawled like a baby. I guess that's to be expected for a while. It's hardest when I'm alone. I miss him beyond belief.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/13/10 02:32 AM
My boss came by today to tell me that I'm doing a great job. My co-workers were also saying good things about me to my new boss (I did buy hot wings for everybody yesterday - Lol). They reciprocated by buying my lunch today. I am happy at work. I have not met one mean or grumpy person yet. Everybody is super friendly.

I had a nice talk with my daughter tonight. I could hear my little grand-daughter in the background trying to talk.

I am in my hotel alone now doing laundry and watching tv. I am perfectly comfortable by myself. I am going to check out the meteor shower when the laundry is done.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/13/10 05:36 PM
Still Standing,
I'm glad all is going well with the new job! Chicken wings, huh? Hmmm...
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/14/10 03:46 AM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Still Standing,
I'm glad all is going well with the new job! Chicken wings, huh? Hmmm...

We work across the street from a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. It was really slow the other day and I was bored with the munchies. I wanted to let them know that I was happy to work there so I bought a ton of wings. Lol. Yesterday I was treated to pizza. Today it was fajitas. Tomorrow, they are planning a barbequed brisquit. I am going to have to go to the gym religiously. Lol

Took myself to see Eat, Love, Pray tonight after another great day at work. I liked the movie. I think it was the perfect movie to see at this stage in my life.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/15/10 03:39 AM
This is my toughest time of the week. I get off early on Saturdays and am off on Sunday. I don't have work to distract me. I haven't made any IRL friends in this town yet that I can do things with. I have met one nice woman at work that is also single and in my age group. Maybe we can do stuff together eventually.

I went to a movie by myself last night and I was fine. Today, I heard everybody planning to go to dinner together with their girlfriends. I was jealous. I wanted to have someone to do something with tonight too. I just don't have anybody now. I was restless. I didn't feel like going to dinner alone again. I just went to a movie alone last night. So I drove around for a little while and ended up at the movies again. Tonight I saw Salt. It was okay - nothing special. It did kill a couple of hours on a Saturday night and it helped me shake the blues. I know that I will feel lonely every now and again. I have made a lot of changes. It is to be expected to feel down once in awhile. The funk has pretty much passed now though.

I am looking forward to church in the morning. I am also going to look at a house tomorrow to rent, go to the gym and get my nails done. I just have to stay busy. The work week is easy compared to my alone times.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/16/10 02:04 AM
The dust is settling and things are calming down. Feeling a little lonely and restless. I think it is normal to feel this way after everything that has happened recently. Kept busy all day.

I still miss my ex sometimes. I don't want to go through all the junk again. I just miss him. I worry about him. I pray for him every night. I am trying to let it go. He is not my business anymore. Called my mom and had a nice long call. I felt better after I talked to her.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/16/10 02:47 AM
still!

Did you look at a place to live today?.

I love that you got a new car!!! It's been a month since I got mine, but am still having fun!!! Order vanity plates for it "Gmazfun".

It's ok to care for your ex, it's been almost 9 years and I still pray for mine and don't wish any ill will on him. But I moved on, he will always be the father to my children and the first man that I loved.

You are doing awesome, you've taken on alot with relocating and all!!!! Bentonville is a beautiful area, I would drive through on my way to my daughters!!!!

Have a good night, I have to finish cleaning out my daughters room as my foreign exchange student arrives on Friday!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/16/10 03:07 AM
I did look at a place to live but it was all wrong. I'm in no hurry. I will find the perfect place. I'm really tired of moving. I want to find something that I really like.

The foreign exchange student sounds like fun!
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Moving on - 08/16/10 12:55 PM
SS you are doing great, just pace yourself, you have done so much so fast that you are now dropping because you have been so busy.......

And get that ex out of your head darn it grin
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/16/10 10:24 PM
Still,
I am so impressed with you! How did church go? You're keeping busy and getting out so you'll make some friends soon!
I also do better during the week when so much time is consumed with work...it's the weekends I have to stay busy.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/17/10 03:39 AM
Thank you. Church was good. They had a scandal last week. One of the youth pastors was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Of course he was married. frown He was immediately asked to resign. The head pastor spent some time talking about that and talked about how men can let us down but God never will. So true! He also spoke about forgiveness and repentance.

I do try to keep busy. It was easy today. I worked from 8:30 a.m until 9:00 p.m. The weather was beautiful today. It was a looong day. I was invited to dinner with some co-workers but got stuck doing some late car deals. My boss is helping me find a place to live. I work with a great group of people.

I had a good talk with my best friend that lives a few hours away. I mentioned that if my ex needed help, that I would help him. She helped me put it in perspective. She said to me, "You would do that for anybody. You wouldn't let anybody suffer or be in danger. It is the kind of person that you are. You just wouldn't exclude your ex. It isn't that he is special. It is that you are special." She is definitely on my side. laugh

Just got off the phone with another good friend that lives in Oregon. We have been good friends for 15 years. We've been through a lot together. I am very blessed. cool
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/17/10 06:55 PM
still,

I love your friends perspective!!! Yo are the one who is special and from being online with you I can see that you wouldn't let anyone be hurt or in need!!! That truly is a gift from God that blesses so many!!!

Dawn
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/17/10 06:59 PM
Still,
Sorry to hear about the youth pastor but it sounds like it was handled as best as it can...his poor wife!
I, too, like your friend's perspective. cool
Posted By: agc4121 Re: Moving on - 08/18/10 04:57 PM
you sound like a very speacial lady.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/18/10 08:25 PM
She is!!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/19/10 01:23 AM
You are all very sweet. Or as they say around these here parts, "all y'all are just precious!"
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/25/10 04:34 AM
I have settled in at work and am doing well. I am slowly making some new friends. I am also getting into a routine of work, exercise, and socializing with friends, etc. I am feeling very grounded and satisfied. I feel very positive about the direction life has taken. Things are good.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/25/10 04:47 AM
still!!!

I am glad that things are good!!!! That gives peace of mind!!! Routine is good!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/27/10 12:44 PM
So... I have bit the bullet and signed up for Match.com. Eating every dinner alone is getting old. Lol. I have started getting emails from interested men. There are a couple of really interesting (and handsome) prospective suitors.

I am still looking for a place to live. My navigation keeps getting me lost.

Work is still good. I'm really looking forward to getting a paycheck soon!
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 05:32 AM
still,

MAtch.com---a good thing!!! I am glad that you are moving a head!!! Takes courage!!!! But we know that you got it!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 08:22 AM
SS,

Didn't you learn anything from the last round of dating?

You aren't ready to look for a serious relationship yet.

You need to be able to NOT be in a relationship in order to safely date again.

You don't need to go off looking for guys. Trust me, they will come to you.
Posted By: Vittoria Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 12:14 PM
Hey SS2,
I didn't realize that you kept this thread going, I don't frequent over here very often (less than that actually).
Nice to read that life is falling into place.

Now, you know I luvs ya smile and all, and for that very reason,

I second these words from Mark ........


Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

Didn't you learn anything from the last round of dating?

You aren't ready to look for a serious relationship yet.

You need to be able to NOT be in a relationship in order to safely date again.

You don't need to go off looking for guys. Trust me, they will come to you.

Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 01:08 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

Didn't you learn anything from the last round of dating?

You aren't ready to look for a serious relationship yet.

You need to be able to NOT be in a relationship in order to safely date again.

You don't need to go off looking for guys. Trust me, they will come to you.

What I learned from my last dating experience:
Don't settle
Don't rush in
Don't give up my dreams for theirs
Don't let them decide who I should be

I am comfortable being alone. I am not looking to fill a hole. I'm feeling pretty self-sufficient these days. I would like to have dinner with a nice man. I would like to date. I have been seperated from my ex-husband for a year. The divorce has been final for 10 months. I'm not feeling empty or incomplete. If I don't meet a nice man, I'm happy to keep eating my dinners alone as I have been doing. I will continue to move forward with my life whatever comes. Do I want a meaningful serious relationship again? Of course. Do I expect it this year or next? No. I am open to seeing what is out there for me. That's all.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 02:18 PM
SS,

Consider if you would the Love Bank model as developed by Dr Harley...

You date someone with no intent of him being "the one" or your "soul mate" or even marriage material and don't even consider him marriable (like my knew word?) material.

But you date and really enjoy your time with him. Each time you speak with him he puts a measly 5 love units into your Love Bank. Your romantic threshold is well over a thousand so it will take a long time before you are "In Love" with him.

But one day something happens and you are feeling especially down and uncared for and as if no one understands you. He isn't putting a move on you and isn't "In Love" with you at this point either. All he intends is to comfort you and he puts his arms around you to give you a hug. It might not trigger romantic love in you, but maybe he smells your hair, really enjoys just being that close to you and has felt so alone himself that being that close to a woman makes massive Love Bank deposits and suddenly, in that tiny instant in time, HE is "IN LOVE" with you because your balance in his Love Bank exceeds the romantic threshold.

Now, some guy you are mildy attracted to or that you see nothing beyond friendship with at any time in the future believes you are his soul mate and would walk through the fires of hell to be with you...

And you didn't mean for it to happen, but it did.

The rolls could be reversed, BTW and you could be the one who falls in love first...

Dating is something that people think is just a way of having fun, but if you are honest with yourself you would see it as an attempt to fill a hole, provide something that is missing... The universe abhors a vacuum. It will be filled by whatever is available whether solid, liquid or plain old gas...

Want to have friends to enjoy going out with? Join the women's group at church. Want friends to go bowling with? join the women's bowling league. Want friends to just hang out with? Find a group of women that share your interests and go with the flow.

Along the way, you might run into a super guy and end up dating, but if you set about dating to fill the need for companionship, that need will end up being filled by whoever you begin spending time with.Dating is what has replaced courting in our society. People do it for the purpose of finding a mate. Some want that mate to be their life long soul mate. Many, mostly men, only want the mating part...

Why on Earth would you jump into that kind of thing when you know you are vulnerable?

And you do realize that people we "LIKE" are liked because they have already put something into our Love Bank, right?

JMO.

Mark
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 03:17 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
What I learned from my last dating experience:
Don't settle
Don't rush in
Don't give up my dreams for theirs
Don't let them decide who I should be

I am comfortable being alone. I am not looking to fill a hole. I'm feeling pretty self-sufficient these days. I would like to have dinner with a nice man. I would like to date. I have been seperated from my ex-husband for a year. The divorce has been final for 10 months. I'm not feeling empty or incomplete. If I don't meet a nice man, I'm happy to keep eating my dinners alone as I have been doing. I will continue to move forward with my life whatever comes. Do I want a meaningful serious relationship again? Of course. Do I expect it this year or next? No. I am open to seeing what is out there for me. That's all.

May I suggest an alternative for the online dating services?

Here is my suggestion:

GET INVOLVED with group activities.
Volunteer
Play golf (or any sport)
Join a hiking club
Take some lessons (dance, ski, writing)
Go to community meetings
Check out the local parks, museums, pools, beaches, farmer's market
Go to car club meetings

Google search the following:
(your town) + social activities

TRY everything once




Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/28/10 06:24 PM
Mark, I have female friends. I have made a couple of new ones in this town also. I am not against taking the chance of falling in love again. I hope that I do someday. I don't know when it will happen. I don't know if it will happen. I'm happy to meet new people in the process of seeing what may come. I enjoy the company of men -including the prospect of flirting. I'm single and have been for almost a year now. I don't see why that is a problem.

Pepper,
I am in the Sierra Club. I go to church. I go to the gym. I have made a couple of new girlfriends. I work six days a week 8:30-7(or later). There isn't really time for any more clubs or groups. I do try lots of different things.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/29/10 02:34 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
SS,

Consider if you would the Love Bank model as developed by Dr Harley...

You date someone with no intent of him being "the one" or your "soul mate" or even marriage material and don't even consider him marriable (like my knew word?) material.
My intention is not random, mindless dating. I am open to meeting someone that "might" "possibly" be the "one" eventually. I will not date just for sport. I will not rush into anything though.


Originally Posted by Mark1952
Now, some guy you are mildy attracted to or that you see nothing beyond friendship with at any time in the future believes you are his soul mate and would walk through the fires of hell to be with you...

And you didn't mean for it to happen, but it did.
I will not do this again. I will not settle. [/color]
Originally Posted by Mark1952
The rolls could be reversed, BTW and you could be the one who falls in love first...
I realize that this is a part of dating - taking the chance that they won't love you back. I took the same chance while married unfortunately.

Originally Posted by Mark1952
Dating is something that people think is just a way of having fun, but if you are honest with yourself you would see it as an attempt to fill a hole, provide something that is missing... The universe abhors a vacuum. It will be filled by whatever is available whether solid, liquid or plain old gas...

True. I do miss time with a man. I like the way they smell (most of the time). I like their voices. I like their big strong hands. I enjoy their company. I am too young to give up on all of that. Am I incomplete without it? No. Am I restless or anxious without it? No. Do I want to have a rich and full life that includes sex with someone that I love? Yes I do. Bowling with the girls is not exactly the same. I am willing to wait for the right guy. I don't think that joining a knitting club at church will help me meet my right guy though.

Originally Posted by Mark1952
Want to have friends to enjoy going out with? Join the women's group at church. Want friends to go bowling with? join the women's bowling league. Want friends to just hang out with? Find a group of women that share your interests and go with the flow.


Along the way, you might run into a super guy and end up dating, but if you set about dating to fill the need for companionship, that need will end up being filled by whoever you begin spending time with.Dating is what has replaced courting in our society. People do it for the purpose of finding a mate. Some want that mate to be their life long soul mate. Many, mostly men, only want the mating part...

Why on Earth would you jump into that kind of thing when you know you are vulnerable?

And you do realize that people we "LIKE" are liked because they have already put something into our Love Bank, right?

JMO.

Mark
So if I am out bowling with the girls and a random guy at the bowling alley comes up to me and starts chatting me up, that is better than someone that I meet on the internet because...? They are both random strangers. Everyone is a stranger until you spend time and get to know them. No matter how you meet someone, you don't know them until you know them. It takes time and precautions regardless of how you meet them. I would prefer to meet someone that comes with personal references, ie, an introduction from friends or family. But, that really narrows the field. I am comfortable talking to people on the internet (like here). I can get to know them a little bit before chemistry is thrown into the mix. Men seem to reveal more of their thoughts and views when comfortably emailing and texting than in a IRL personal conversation where they are staring at your cleavage and trying to make a move. It helps me weed out the guys strictly after a booty-call. I like to be able to write to someone and get in their head a little. I like smart men. I want to know that they can write in full sentences and follow a train of thought. I like someone that can participate in a witty banter. I like the slower pace of initially getting to know someone by mail and phone.

Almost 300 people have viewed my internet profile. I have received 30 "winks". I have received 25 emails in the last couple of days. I have responded to 2. Of the 2, I only continued emailing with one. We have been emailing and texting for a couple of days. He would like to meet me for coffee next week. He is smart, funny, divorced with two kids, and athletic. He has nice pictures and is respectful in his emails. I did a Google search on him. He was a city official a couple of years ago. He is now a manager at a local hospital. He is also involved in a local community drug-prevention program. He has been giving me tips on neighborhoods and local churches. I am interested in getting to know him better. We will see...
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Moving on - 08/29/10 04:01 PM
Quote
He would like to meet me for coffee next week. He is smart, funny, divorced with two kids, and athletic. He has nice pictures and is respectful in his emails. I did a Google search on him. He was a city official a couple of years ago. He is now a manager at a local hospital. He is also involved in a local community drug-prevention program. He has been giving me tips on neighborhoods and local churches. I am interested in getting to know him better. We will see...

Sounds nice.
I am glad you looked up his history.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/29/10 04:55 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Quote
He would like to meet me for coffee next week. He is smart, funny, divorced with two kids, and athletic. He has nice pictures and is respectful in his emails. I did a Google search on him. He was a city official a couple of years ago. He is now a manager at a local hospital. He is also involved in a local community drug-prevention program. He has been giving me tips on neighborhoods and local churches. I am interested in getting to know him better. We will see...

Sounds nice.
I am glad you looked up his history.

Eyes are wide open and will stay open. He doesn't know where I live or work. Will be meeting him in a public place. My best friend will have a copy of his profile and I will be calling her at a pre-arranged time after the date. The only networking sights that I have found him on are Facebook and Linkedin. Quiet snooping will continue.
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 02:19 AM
SS2,
Keep us posted. I wish you all the best...I thought I did all the right things, looked for the right things and it ended with me having a broken heart. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to you, you're much too nice and someone I admire so much, you deserve a future with happiness in it.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 02:32 AM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
SS2,
Keep us posted. I wish you all the best...I thought I did all the right things, looked for the right things and it ended with me having a broken heart. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to you, you're much too nice and someone I admire so much, you deserve a future with happiness in it.

Me too. There are no guarantees for happiness though. I am willing to risk getting hurt to have a chance at love again someday. Life is not without risks. Life is too short to play it safe all the time. I am just trying to enjoy the process and be as safe as possible.

I am enjoying flirting with the boy though. This part is fun.

Posted By: lildoggie Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 08:13 AM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am enjoying flirting with the boy though. This part is fun.
rotflmao

Hello SS2!
Posted By: grindnfool Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 09:57 AM
Just about 2 months ago you met with your XH and ended a relationship at the same time. Until you are ready not to take the call and meet with him again, I do not believe you are ready to date or that it is fair for someone else. JMO
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 12:34 PM
Originally Posted by grindnfool
Just about 2 months ago you met with your XH and ended a relationship at the same time. Until you are ready not to take the call and meet with him again, I do not believe you are ready to date or that it is fair for someone else. JMO

I agree that if I weren't done with the ex I would not be ready to date. The last encounter with the ex finished it for me. I'm done with him. I have no desire to ever see him again. The last visit closed the door to him for me. I am at peace (finally) with the facts of my marriage and divorce.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 12:35 PM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am enjoying flirting with the boy though. This part is fun.
rotflmao

Hello SS2!

Hi Lil!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 05:02 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am at peace (finally) with the facts of my marriage and divorce.

Well & good.

Are you also at peace with your past conduct as a wife?
Have you absorbed enough MB wisdom to greatly improve your future relationship skills?

Just asking' ....

Because, it's not just about being "past/over/done" with your XH.
It's about YOU, and what you've learned.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 05:29 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I am at peace (finally) with the facts of my marriage and divorce.

Well & good.

Are you also at peace with your past conduct as a wife?
Have you absorbed enough MB wisdom to greatly improve your future relationship skills?

Just asking' ....

Because, it's not just about being "past/over/done" with your XH.
It's about YOU, and what you've learned.

Yes I am.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Moving on - 08/30/10 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Yes I am.

Have you read any of the humor books by Jill Conner Browne?
*LINK* to Amazon - list of Jill's books

In her books, a recurring theme is this ...

BE PARTICULAR

... especially when it comes to men. Be particular.

I can recommend her books.
If you've never read any of them, start with the book at the top of the list ... her first book.

You will laugh.



Posted By: Greengables Re: Moving on - 08/31/10 11:56 AM
My advice to people who are dating after being in a relationship or not dating for a long time is this:

Date a lot.

Date people who may not fit into "your type" but who you find posisbly attractive.

Then, be critical of what the person brings to the party.

Finally, even if it seems fabulous, be prepared for it to not work out for either you or the other person. As I told my girlfriend, MOST relationships don't work out in the first year.

As for online introductions compared to traditional introductions, I think online has some real advantages. First, there is a wider selection of eligible people--people who in the normal course of events would never cross your path. My husband was one of those. Second, you can eliminate people where there are deal breakers. For example, I won't date anyone who wants to have kids. I'd be wasting his time since I cannot have more. I'm also unwilling to date an atheist. Third, if and when it doesn't work out, you aren't constantly seeing this person. There's a good looking man at the early service at my church. I'd never date him because I wouldn't want to have to deal with it if things didn't work out. My church is very small--that means no escape.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/01/10 02:25 AM
Work is still great. I have been going to the gym again and am starting to enjoy it. I am thankful for fantastic friends. I feel like I am getting a healthy routine going. I also have a coffee date on Sunday. smile
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Moving on - 09/01/10 04:17 AM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
Work is still great. I have been going to the gym again and am starting to enjoy it. I am thankful for fantastic friends. I feel like I am getting a healthy routine going. I also have a coffee date on Sunday. smile

Ooooohhhhhh......exciting!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/05/10 04:31 PM
As soon as we "made the date", he stopped being interested. Lol. Went out last night with a girlfriend for dinner and drinks afterwards. Had a really nice evening. Going out with same new friend for lunch and hiking today. Have lost 5 pounds and have dropped a dress size. Feeling pretty good. Have also found a house to rent so I won't have to be in this hotel for much longer. Moving in 2 weeks. House is 1-1/2 miles from work and perfect for me with plenty of space and a big backyard.

Life is good. smile
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 09/07/10 02:22 AM
still,

Bummer about losing interest!!!! House sounds awesome, and getting in the routine of going to the gym is great!!!! Sounds like life is not only good but great!!! So glad for you!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 09/07/10 09:38 PM
SS2,
Glad you found a house and congrats on the weight drop! I've lost 13 lbs since Jim and I broke up, stress diet works! (Actually, it was the impetus for me to keep going, I'm actively trying to lose weight.) All of the jeans I bought a month ago are now too big! A GOOD problem!
dance2
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 09/08/10 01:08 AM
kay--that is an awesome problem to have!!!! But I am kind of falling for Doug and don't think I want to try that kind of diet right now!!!!! Will keep going to Curves and walking!!!!

Dawn
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/08/10 02:22 AM
Jeans do not lie! Congrats Kay.
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/08/10 03:37 AM
Have made my first female friend in the area. We hung out on Saturday and ate Indian food and swapped divorce and dating stories. Her husband decided he was gay after 3 kids and 8 years of marriage. Nooo

She showed me a hiking trail on Sunday with waterfalls and great scenery. hurray We had lunch and did some shopping too. It was fun. We went walking yesterday and had some sushi. Her kids were with her ex and his partner for the weekend. Everybody has a story! faint

Back to normal today. Worked and went to the gym. Planning a trip this weekend to see my best friend. cool

Have a date this week with an eligible bachelor. blush
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 09/08/10 04:04 AM
still,

You are right everyone has a story!!!! And ours isn't usually the worse to be heard!!!!

I am sure it will be fun spending time with your friend!!!

And a date?? That's cool!!!

Have a great week!!!

Dawn
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 09/08/10 08:32 PM
It sounds like everything is going well for you, and you've made a friend to boot, that's great!
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/15/10 02:24 AM
I had a very nice first date on Sunday. He is a little older, very handsome, freakishly fit, smart, and funny. He is also very laid back and easy going. He has nice manners too. Not going to say anything else until there is a second date. He has called to let me know that he was happy to meet me and that he would like another date...

Work is crazy right now. We are having a super sale this week - which means no days off and extra long days. I have been walking or doing yoga in the morning before work. I have been hitting the gym for weight training after work. I move into my house on Friday.

I am busy, focused, and happy.
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Moving on - 09/15/10 12:16 PM
Originally Posted by stillstanding2
I had a very nice first date on Sunday. He is a little older, very handsome, freakishly fit, smart, and funny. He is also very laid back and easy going. He has nice manners too. Not going to say anything else until there is a second date. He has called to let me know that he was happy to meet me and that he would like another date...

Work is crazy right now. We are having a super sale this week - which means no days off and extra long days. I have been walking or doing yoga in the morning before work. I have been hitting the gym for weight training after work. I move into my house on Friday.

I am busy, focused, and happy.

Awesome news!
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 09/15/10 08:00 PM
Wow, with all that going on, how do you fit in dating?!
Glad to hear it...throw in "a Christian" and "great morals" and it sounds like my ideal guy! Don't worry...Arkansas is a bit of a ways from Oregon... crazy
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 09/16/10 02:48 AM
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Wow, with all that going on, how do you fit in dating?!
Lol. Emails, texts, calls, Sundays.
Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Glad to hear it...throw in "a Christian" and "great morals" and it sounds like my ideal guy! Don't worry...Arkansas is a bit of a ways from Oregon... crazy
He's a Christian (same background and type as me). Time will tell about the morals. lashes
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 09/16/10 05:19 AM
still,

Great news!!!!! Does he have any brothers??????

Dawn
Posted By: kaycstamper Re: Moving on - 10/04/10 09:48 PM
Stillstanding2:
Have you been kidnapped? Haven't seen you here for 2 1/2 weeks, getting worried! Let us hear from you!
Kay
Posted By: daybreak Re: Moving on - 10/04/10 11:10 PM
Yeah with kay!!! where are you???
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: Moving on - 10/11/10 03:52 AM
Don't worry! Lol. Been busy working and living. Moved into my house, have made some new friends and gone on some dates. Haven't met anybody just right yet. Just meeting lots of nice new people and giving life the old "college try". Thanks for checking on me though. smile
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