My SO and I may be split up...I say may be because I really don't know for sure.
His mom is not doing well and he has become her full time caregiver, 24/7. She refuses to meet me and will not allow me in her home, yet she'll accept visits from his ex wife. His daughters are not giving him any relief so he can see me. I got upset with him Friday because I think it's unreasonable to put our relationship on hold indefinitely and his answer is to turn his phone off.
I realize he has a lot on his plate. I also realize the last thing he needs is more "stuff" from me. I realize he can't help that his daughters aren't helping him. But I feel he could stand up to his 73 lb. mother and tell her that if he's going to take care of her 24/7, he needs to let me visit for a while once a week. Is that asking too much? I realize she's formidable (I've heard her over the phone, whew!) and I also realize she has him over the barrel...she holds the title to the home he's lived in for 30 years...he has put so much work into it and he bought it back from the county for her at one point and she promised it to him...and she holds the keys to cutting him out of her will...at our age he doesn't need to start all over again. However, these are all things he allowed to happen.
So right now I don't know if he's taking a break until he can better deal with things...or if this is his lame way of breaking up. Either way, it sucks. This is a guy I've been with for over a year and he's very sweet, very nice, he's really been there for me...but right now he's probably almost over the edge with too much on his plate.

Yup that sucks! It sounds like his mom doesn't want him divorced. His daughters are probably more concerned with their own lives. This is his issue to fix. If he is unwilling, be thankful that you are not married. Everyday we make choices. He is making his choices. What will your choices be?

Well it appears we're done for good. His daughter said he packed up his cellphone as if to return it somewhere...his cellphone was on my plan and still has a year left on the contract, so there is no where to return it, we got it because our talking was eating up my minutes. He has not responded at all to anything I've written or messages...he won't give me that much of a chance. So really there is nothing I can do except try to heal my broken heart. I am in so much inner pain it feels unbearable. And I remember the promises made...promises now broken. And it hurts.

My BF just broke up with me...sent my cellphone back to me Fed Ex at my office with a note. It sucks. I never knew such pain. Is this how he always felt and he didn't have the guts to level with me? This is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had love once and God took him from me. Maybe my life is just a bad joke.

Sorry, kayc...That does suck...I posted to you because I feel like my life is just a bad joke sometimes too...I think I will probably be alone for the rest of my like. It is unfair..hang in there..you are in my prayers tonite, k?

Okay girls, that is enough of the "my life is meaningless without him" nonsense! I am very sorry that you are heartbroken. But, your lives are far from over.

Do you really want a man that still listens to his mommy instead of standing up for you?

You deserve to be loved, honored, and cherished. Anything less is..... dating. Lol

And... dating sometimes sucks.

So, baby yourself. Be good to yourself. Life will go on and it may get a whole lot better - eventually. I bought a bracelet that I wear. It says, "Dreams become reality one choice at a time". I look at it everyday to remind myself to make choices that are in-line with my dreams. What are your dreams? What can you choose to do to be one step closer today?

kay,

I am sorry that this has happened to you! Have your pity party just don't stay to long!!!!!!

still has given you some awesome advice. Live for you and be the best you that you can be!!! You have the choice to be happy or to allow someone else to be your happiness!

You can do this, stay strong!!!!!

Dawn

Okay, let me clarify why I'm feeling like I am. My husband that I had a GREAT relationship with died over five years ago. I remarried to a man who was a Narcissist and took me for everything he could...I ended up having to file a missing person's report to find out that he was living with OW#2 in our new motorhome. Got out of that and met a wonderful man several months later that I fell in love with. We get along great, don't fight, are comfortable with each other, etc and we have been engaged for a year. His mom and my mom went into the hospital at the same time and my sister is dying. I'm dealing with mental problems and dementia with my mom but Jim has become 24/7 caretaker of his mom. He doesn't feel he can do that and sustain our relationship at the same time. She's down to 73 lbs but doesn't have cancer or anything so who knows how long she will live...esp. since she is now back to eating and caring now that her Jimmy is taking care of her. I just got broke up with in a heartless way yesterday and have not had time to process it let alone get over him. I do not think my life is over, my life is not defined by a man or anyone else. But I hurt. My hopes and dreams were dashed in the blink of an eye and I am grieving. Grieving takes time and effort to get through. I just packed up his stuff last night, slept three hours and dropped it off at his roommate's this morning. I know what I need to do but it will take time and effort and will not be painless...I have been through MUCH pain in my life and you'd think you'd get good at it with all that experience, but nope, each one hurts all in and of itself. I still have to experience the pain, it's part of the grieving process...no way to circumvent it. Only one way to recovery and that is focus and time, lots of it.

{{{{{{{KAYC}}}}}}}}

That is a lot of heartache for a five year period of time. I am sorry that you have had to recovery from so much.

kay,

How is today going for you?

I am bumming myself today, so think that I am going to take a ride in the convertible!!!!! Let my hair fly!!! Something for just me this afternoon!


dawn

Wish I was there, that sounds like fun!

I did okay yesterday until after work, when I got home and let down, I blubbered like a baby. I'm tired of crying, tired of missing sleep, tired of not feeling like eating. I hate adjustments like this, they're painful!

That stage is awful! Just remember that it is a stage. It will pass. I blubbered for months. When I first seperated from my husband, I would be fine while at work or the gym. I cried every night on my ride home. My daughter was living with me and I would stop crying when I got home. I would cry again every night when I went to bed alone.
I have gradually gotten used to being alone and I am not sad or lonely anymore. I am happy with the company that I get during the day at work and am enjoying my quiet time in the evenings.

Tonight there are supposed to be the best meteor showers of the year starting around 10:30 p.m. I'm trying to figure out how I can enjoy them safely since I am staying in a hotel and there are serial killers on the loose. So, for now, I am doing laundry and watching tv.

Oh, Kay. I am so sorry. This stinks

Oh that is right! You are not far from the beauty shop robbery which was probably committed by the fugitives from prison! Be careful!

kay!!


Sounds like you are doing ok!!! I am glad to hear that!!! It does take time, and sometimes we don't want those close to us to see us, messed up and a wreck so keep coming here and venting and posting, we have all been there at some point!!!!

The ride was awesome, am on my own this weekend as Doug went with a buddy to his hometown for a 50th birthday party and lots of golfing!!! So have some chores that have to be done and then will go for another ride!!!!

Take Care,
Dawn

Still Standing, don't risk your life for a meteor shower! Is there a balcony you can view it from? Please be careful! I didn't know you were in such danger!

I live alone so no danger of others watching me cry. I did cry at work when it first happened (okay and throughout the day) but I'm doing pretty good when out and about among others...it's on the drive home (I have a 50 mile commute each way) and any time spent at home that I have a hard time...it's where we shared our time together and even though I packed up and returned all of his stuff to his roommate, there are reminders all over my home...not things I can throw away, the dogs, the truck, the t.v., couch, compute, shoot, even the refrigerator reminds me of him! The park we used to take the dogs to, restaurants we ate at, you know how it goes. Ugh, yes, I hate this stage!

Well, it gets more surreal... The female killer was actually in our store the day before yesterday for a "test" drive. She got agitated when the salesman asked for her driver's license and she left. He didn't realize who she was until we were warned to be extra cautious in our morning meeting yesterday. After he got out of the meeting, he glanced at the newspaper and there she was. He swears it was the same woman with black hair now.

So, I did not watch the meteor shower. I thought about it and just about that time, my best friend calls me and keeps me on the phone for an hour to make sure I am safe. Then her bf tells me the same stuff, "stay in your room. Lock the door. Be a good girl." Lol

Back to Kay, you know the drill. You can't skip over this stage - no matter how much it sucks. You know that, you (eventually) will cry less and for shorter duration and then probably backslide a little. More time will pass and you will go longer without crying. Eventually, you will get better. I went to see the new movie, "Eat, Love, Pray". You might enjoy it right about now. I did. Hang in there.

I am having a really hard time with this. I haven't received a lot of response on my grief site. Does that mean people think this isn't that big a deal? It FEELS like a huge deal to me. This was the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with! We talked every day, spent every weekend together, were engaged for a year, he made promises to me, he said he'd never hurt me, he never gave any indication he wanted to break up or wasn't happy with "us". I am shocked to the core and heartbroken! It feels just like a death...only one of his making, one he CHOSE to do to me! In one sense, that's HARDER than death! I have to go to church and not have him sitting there with me like he has for the last year. My routine is turned upside down. I no longer have that person that chopped the kindling and helped me walk the dogs. Everywhere I look in my town are reminders of him, places we drove, places we ate, memories, memories in my home, my vehicles. How do I purge myself of these haunting memories when I am stuck with them? He isn't faced with that, for our memories were in MY home, not his! It all seems so unfair. My trust is shattered, my sense of value of myself is gone. How can I be worth something when the person I was so in love with didn't even value me enough to say goodbye or be honest with me? I am cut off from the family and friends he introduced me to, I will never see his neighbors again, or his roommate's dog, Winston. His daughter April is getting married this week and I can't even send her my wishes or a card...he told me it made his daughters uncomfortable to talk to me...but just the day before they were telling me how much they loved me. I feel so lied to! What do I do with this broken heart? The pain is unbearable. I can't sleep, I have to force myself to eat because of my Diabetes, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I've lost my purpose and meaning in life. Everywhere I look, people are busy with their own lives, my kids don't have time for me, people don't want to hear about loss, it's uncomfortable. But it's consuming and it hurts. What do I do with it? I try to keep busy, try to get out and see people, but at the day's end, I'm alone with my thoughts and my pain. I just don't understand any of this. God, when will it quit hurting like this?

Still Standing,
I'm glad you didn't put your life at risk. It sounds eerie to me the thought of a killer on the loose, how awful! I'm in the country and it feels safe, but stuff like that can really happen anywhere. I work in the same town where that kid, Kip Kinkle, shot his parents and all the kids & faculty at Thurston High School a few years ago. We never thought anything would happen in that sleepy little town. It's also the same town where Diane Downs shot her three children, killing one of them and blamed it on a fictitious "shaggy haired stranger", just so she could be free to be with her lover. I live in the town where Brandon Hall bludgeoned an old lady to death...he was a kid my kids grew up with, he attended the same Sunday School and youth group as them. His dad used to come into my office to buy lumber and he dated the daughter of one of my coworkers. None of us are exempt from stuff like this.

I dont think that it is that people think it is a big deal...I am sorry to say kayc...I think the pain just has to run its course...have you thought about seeing a psych and seeing if you can get some ADs just to get you over the roughest part? I am so sorry you are going through this..I know what the pain is like. It will get better though, with time.....

I agree....it is just a process that you have to go through. I feel for you though.

Keeping busy helps. Alone at night is the hardest time. Call friends. Get out of the house if you can. Go to a funny movie or an action movie. Make as many plans as you can. Clean things. Organize things. Get rid of things that remind you too much (I know you can't get rid of your fridge. Lol). Keep a journal but focus on the positive things. Dwelling on the negatives won't help you feel better. Exercise. Do what works for you. You just have to get through the nights. Mornings are always a little easier. Keep eating. Keep trying to sleep. Keep getting through the days. They will get easier.

thank you for your replies. I went to a Karaoke event last night with friends and even sang, my first time to get up there! Today I went to a Blues concert in the park and a Harmonica contest it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow I have church and I'm on the Worship Team, so that'll occupy some time. I may go9 to a Jazz Concert tomorrow night with a friend. I cleaned house all day and defleaed the house and dogs, did laundry, cooked, etc. So I've been keeping super busy. I've gotten rid of all of the reminders that I could (can't throw the truck and dogs away LOL). I agree, it's a process and it'll just take time. I guess this is a lot like a divorce only without the legalities. The death of hopes and dreams. The death of a relationship. The loss of someone who used to be there for me, used to listen and care (or so I thought), used to help me with things like cutting kindling and replace my patio screens. The loss of my companion and best friend. It's up to me to fill the void, it won't happen overnight, it's all a process.

It sucks that he couldn't even say goodbye to your face -very cowardly if you ask me. I'm sure he was a great guy. He didn't end things in an honorable way in my opinion. I believe that he probably saved you a lot of grief down the road. The way that he broke up with you is a huge red flag for your future with him. If he wants to make up with you at some point, I hope you remember how you feel right now.

I am glad to hear that you are keeping busy. It is all you can really do. I have been praying for you.

Still Standing,
I would be a fool not to keep in mind what he wrote to me, how he went about delivering it, and the fact that his mother was chosen EXCLUSIVELY over me. Those are huge symptoms of what is wrong in our "relationship". Nope, it's over.
I had a great time this weekend. I performed my first Karaoke, went to a Blues Concert that was terrific, and a Harmonica contest, and attended "Church on the Mountain (Warner), it was spectacularly beautiful! I attended with Jim last year and my late husband a few years ago so wasn't sure how I'd do, but every time memories came to me, I pushed them back and tried to stay in the moment. The more time that goes by, the better I'll be. Even have a couple of guys interested in me (don't worry, I am NOT interested in anything except friendship! However it assuaged my wounded ego). All in all I think I'm doing pretty good considering...

I'm glad you are feeling a tiny bit better. It will get better.

So what are you doing this week to keep busy and keep yourself on track? Have you made plans for this weekend yet? You know that the weekend is typically tough. Have a plan!

I am going on vacation next week so Sat. I will be cleaning house, etc. as usual, Sun. I have church, no special plans though. My son is finally done working on his friends' house (he basically gutted and rebuilt it) so he may be around a bit more.

What do you have planned for vacation?

I'm going to go visit my sisters in the city (I'm in the country)...my little sister has an itinerary for us (she's a planner), hope I can keep up with her!

Have fun!

kay,

Let us know how things go!!!! LEt go and enjoy!!!!

Thanks, I will, I'm leaving tomorrow!
Couldn't get on line this weekend, my electricity was out, don't know what was wrong, it was the whole town!

Hey KC,
How's the vacation going?

SS2,
The vacation was fine until I came home last night, it was horrible. I was anxious to get home and see my dog, Arlie, so I left and when I got home, my son was gone with his dog, Skye, and Arlie was in the pen. I started to bring some stuff in from the car and when I went to put it in my bedroom, I stepped in dog poop. So I put on some different shoes and took the other ones (my brand new sandals!) outside and hosed them off. Came back in the house and stepped in some more dog poop. Went outside and hosed off my other shoes and my feet. Came in the house and did a thorough search on my hands and knees for more dog poop (it matches the carpet exactly) and found more and cleaned it up, also some vomit. Washed, vacuumed, and sprayed the carpet. Took me a couple of hours (I don't have a carpet cleaner, just me on my hands and knees), in the process, got poop on my jeans. By now I'm disgusting. Throw a load of towels in the wash. Arlie is really sick, eyes all droopy, obviously doesn't feel good and grumpy to boot. Called my son, he said Arlie didn't eat this morning. That's very very unusual. Discovered my washing machine dumped an entire load of water onto my floor. Called my son and he said not to let it get under the floor. ????? Too late for that, it's through the walls, in the flooring, probably clear next door by now. Used every towel in the house to soak it up. Mop is useless. Had to pull the washer and dryer both out to clean it up. By now I'm covered with dog fur, lint, poop, vomit, my jeans are soaking wet, I'm a real mess, and the doorbell rings. Open the door and it's the neighbor guy down the street (the one that's kind of interested in me?? Or should I say was?) Sounds like he's had a day like mine. Anyway, it's just been a helluva night, and I'm so worried about Arlie. I got someone to take my place at church, they had a full day scheduled and I came back to be here for it but I can't see me leaving Arlie for all that when he's sick, I want to be home with him. He really acts like he's not feeling good at all.
Anyway, I got to sleep after midnight and Arlie's woke me up a couple of times and now he just wants to be in his pen, which is pretty weird. I know I need more than 3 1/2 hours sleep, but...

I'm still mourning Jim and now I'm dealing with my poor sick dog all alone. I fixed him some bland food and am giving him Immodium, if he's not improving by Wednesday, I'll have to take him to the vet. I know my boss won't be thrilled with me taking time off right after vacation but it can't be helped. There's too many things that could be the cause and I don't have a clue.

Yuck. Ewww. I'm so sorry. I hope your dog gets better soon.
(((((((((((((KC)))))))))))))))))

Ditto what still says!!!!

But did you have fun with your sisters?

Dawn

I did, we hiked, shopped, did crafts, talked, ate at the Cheesecake Factory (yum! split 3 ways), and I still managed to lose two pounds, yay! Sisters are fun!

Sounds great! How is the pooch?

He's not good, he hasn't eaten at all the last couple of days and hasn't kept anything he ate down or processed it right since probably Thursday. I'm not half as concerned about the food as the water, he's not drinking and he's getting weak. I don't have money and I already took him to the vet. I've forced medicine down his throat, but tonight I intend to try to force bits of water down him with a turkey baster, I don't know what else to do. He'd already lost three pounds (81 to 78). My baby dog is my world, I can't think of anything harder than this!

Hi KC, just read through your thread.

Sorry about your breakup and more sorry to hear your dog is so sick.

When everything happened with my XH it was my dogs that comforted me on those low days. They give unconditionally.

Is your dog a chewer? Sometimes they get blockages from some of the stuff they eat. What did the vet initially say? When my old dog gets an upset stomach I give her 1/2 of a tums and it works well.

Blessings.

Hi KC,

When my dog was sick, the vet recommended white fish and boiled rice for her dinner. You could try her with that. It is very bland. Make sure there are no bones.

I know how close we get to our pets - I have one of my cats with lymphoma on chemo and steroids until whenever. He was my best friend throughout my troubles and I don't want to lose him.

Please take him to the vets again, if nothing is working. We have charities here in the UK to help out. I don't know if you have those where you live.

TM

Nope, no charities here. I took him to the vet and they treated him for Colitis, but I've been through that with our other Husky before and this is way worse. I had him scheduled for a Barium X-Ray in prep for surgery in case of a blockage but he showed signs of improvement last night so it's been postponed. Now just to see if the improvement was temporary because he wasn't eating or if he really is on the mend. I'm hoping and praying the latter.
(Yep, he's a chewer...)

Poor guy! I hope he keeps improving.

He is finally starting to show signs of improvement! I am beyond ecstatic! I really didn't know if he was going to make it or not.

On another note, I got a call from my ex-BF's daughter last night and also she wrote on FB that her and her dad are praying for me. ??? He is aware of all I am going through yet can't pick up the phone and say, I'm so sorry, he has to hide behind his daughter? Give me a break! Grrr!!
I know, not even worth my anger...

Hi Kay, first hope your dog continues to improve. Poor thing.

You know Murphy's law when it rains it pours. Everything at once. Keep us posted.

Sorry about X-BF but it is during the bad times that they will show their "true colors", sad to say.

Of course this is me always with a cynical eye these days. I have lost faith in the male species and gives anyone credit who gets back out there.

Sounds like someone is testing the waters. Whatever!

kay,

Good to hear of the improvement with your dog, hope it continues!!!

Dawn

Thank you, I think my dog is going to make it! I have been nursing him for the last ten days and he's showing definite signs of improvement! (My son wouldn't let me post my dog's almost-normal looking BM on FB though...)

Mmmm I am thanking your son and I am sure many others will too!!!!

Dawn

Ewwww.....

Update:
My dog finally seems well, enough I am confident he's going to make it now. What a month this has been!

Okay, lately I haven't written anything but I am still going through it. I don't cry as much but my heart still hurts inside. I still wake up thinking about him but it's starting to lessen it's grip just a bit, enough to make it slightly more tolerable. It feels a lot like a divorce except minus the legal stuff/costs. But the emotional separation and moving on is every bit as painful. I miss this man. I didn't want him out of my life and didn't get a say so. I'm angry that I wasn't allowed any input and that he apparently didn't value me or what we'd had over the last year. I'm angry that he didn't let on that he wasn't happy with our relationship and I'm angry that he never let me know what happened. How can one learn anything if you're not appraised of what happened? It also makes closure more difficult. I've accepted that we aren't together and don't allow myself hope for anything different...he didn't offer any glimmer of hope so I'm not fooling myself. I understand that he couldn't handle taking care of his mom and all of the stress that brings, time it takes, and keep me too. I realize this is an ineptness in him, and a flaw in him that he didn't talk to me about it or end it in a better way...and I realize that I want more for myself than someone who would treat me with so little consideration and respect. I would rather be alone the rest of my life and respect and consider myself than to be saddled with someone who cared so little. Be that as it may, I wish we could have remained friends because he really is a good man that I like and enjoy his company immensely...his kids say he always enjoyed being with me and he cared for me. It's kind of hard to understand his response in light of that, but I have to accept it nonetheless. I am getting hit on and not liking it, I do NOT want anyone else in my life, not in that way, and have told those men that I can't respect anyone who'd try to take advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. I realize that whenever a relationship ends, you're vulnerable, so I have a guard up and a wall around my heart that at this time is impenetrable, as it needs to be. I'm keeping busy, cleaning house and tackling those things I've put off for so long, and trying to give myself little things to look forward to, seeing a friend, watching a special movie, just little things, but good nonetheless. Being single there is so much to do around the place I don't have time to get bored, but it can get lonely so I try to arrange some time with others at least a little bit. It's kind of a balancing act because I really don't have a lot of time to spare.
I think the thing I am saddest about is not losing him as a fiance half so much as losing him as a friend. I really really liked him as well as loved him. He's a very special person...unfortunately he came with problems.

KayC,
I know you're in pain. I wish you well.
Have to say, I think you're actually on the right track. Seems like the withdrawal phase is difficult, but you're actually spending a lot of time with KC. That's the best thing. From browsing your thread here, you're spending some time with folks and keeping busy around the house.
Your plan better work 'cause it's pretty much what I'm doing, and yup, it's kinda lonely at times. I just keep trying to look at the positive side of being "alone" - and there are plenty.
It must suck to have had someone "special" but with "problems" that kinda neutralized the good stuff.

There's someone out there for K who more of the good, and less of the bad. Keep pluggin'.

opt

I had to chuckle at that. I always thought one of the up sides of being alone is getting to eat all of the Doritos (or chocolate, or whatever), but damn, I'm dieting!

KC, I feel for you -- you continue to be supportive of others even when going through your own personal pain. I thank you for that.

I'm not going to offer platitudes, since they all sound so hollow at the moment. So I'll just say I hope you continue to post here and share both your victories as well as your losses. The way we help each other somehow makes going through times like this just a little more bearable.

Hey, isn't that a large part of what this is all about? The people on this site are great, I feel like we've all walked through everything together, we've lent an ear to each other, offered prayers and encouragement and advice, the internet is a great tool!

But since I'm in the "sucky" thread, I have to say, it hasn't gotten better this last six weeks...today a deer ran out right in front of my 2007 Honda Civic...tomorrow I get estimates. And I'm having a lot of pain walking (no I'm not old...at least not yet!), something I see the doctor for in a week. Life continues to be challenging, but then it's been on a roll for over five years for me. The good news is, I'm surviving it! (that's good news, right?)

KayC......

How long has it been now?

I know your heart hurts, gosh do I know.

K~

Jim broke up with me August 10.
I just learned that his mom passed away yesterday. I am feeling very emotional about it, I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could give him a hug, but I don't want to intrude where I'm not wanted. Still, my heart is with him and I'm praying for him and his daughters.

Losing someone is no fun...I lost my husband June 19, 2005...some things you don't get over, you just learn to live with it. I know this has got to be a tough time for Jim and his family.

OH WOW! What do you do in this situation? I'm very sorry to hear to hear of her passing.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. I didn't realize you had lost your husband. You are one strong cookie.

Gosh, so sorry.

K

Thanks, Karona, Hey, I've been through a little bit of everything...never a dull moment!
Divorce, Death, breakups, geez!
I sent Jim a handmade sympathy card with a note telling him I am not hoping for reconciliation, but would like to be his friend, to call when he is ready. I also commended him on taking such good care of his mom. I know this is hard for him and his daughters. Loss always is.
Now all I can do is pray and continue living my life the best I can.

Jim called last night, talked for 3 1/2 hours. He's heavily in the throes of grieving and attending to details so now's not the time to talk relationship stuff, we talked about what happened and what's gone on in the last two months but we both need time to think, I feel we both need to back way up and start over, we have a lot to work through and understand if there is ever to be a "we". I haven't allowed myself to hope so I haven't had time to think about it either. Right now I feel it's up in the air and that's okay.

Yes, I'm beginning to realize how much life sucks sometimes. I originally posted that I would not go out with a divorcing MM. He is locked in a division of assests struggle with his wife. He has no idea when his divorce will be finalized, but he is actively sowing his oats. That's a big turn off for me.

Since then I joined a dating service. I just don't get it. The few men I responded to wanted to get into phone sex before even meeting me. Wow. I am not into phone sex with anyone but a man I am committed to. What is up with men?

We must be meeting the worst of them. I'm not even remotely interested in looking...

I'm feeling the same way right now--not interested in looking.

What an interesting direction this thread has taken!

I find that my interest level surfaces occasionally, but rapidly wanes. I'm not intentionally blocking the idea of dating, but I can't seem to sustain any interest in it.

Here's the weird part: I'm getting involved in activities that not long ago would have had people saying "Fred's doing WHAT??" Today, for example, I spent several hours assisting a church group working with elementary school kids in after-school activities. I committed to doing it for six weeks. And I came away from it thinking it wasn't horrible!

But there's no sense of doing this sort of stuff in the hopes I'll meet someone. I'm just doing things to do things -- for myself!

Honestly, Fred, sometimes I think this is the healthiest way. It gives us a chance to become content with ourselves and learn more about who we are and what we want. Good for you!

So, he was on Facebook this morning on a long trip to see his WMW. He posted from his cellphone on his 5 hour trip to a town close to Canada. He posted "what is the last exit I take to get to" this town. People were giving him actual directions, unknowingly. I posted "The Ocean"

GB

Gerb, that's pretty funny. Is the town anywhere near the ocean? I suppose you could've said Lake Superior.
I have trouble following your situation however because I see bits and snippets of it on all different threads. I assume you're talking about your ex above, not the older guy with the 20-something GF...
Maybe I'm missing something.

Opt

He was near the ocean. You seem to have felt something about my update.

Gerber, you're cracking me up. Yeah, I guess you could say I felt something about your update, but....ummmmmm, isn't this KayC's thread?
I don't think you're supposed to give your updates on someone else's thread, or change their title of it for that matter. I don't know, maybe you and K have some sort of contractual agreement or something. :-)
Anyway, I hope all is well. I'm sorry your BF or ex is driving 5 hours to be with a married woman. Infidelity hurts and keeps hurting. I guess it's why they call it the gift that just keeps on giving. I'm 3 weeks into official divorce. On Wednesday I had to drive my daughter to ex's house to grab a school book at 830pm. Guess who's car was in the driveway? OM#2. I know it shouldn't hurt, but it still did. I would probably be okay with just about anyone else (except of course OM#1, 3 or 4 or 5), but this loser lives across the street from me. Maybe he thinks he's getting the last laugh. Little does he know....

opt

I'm new to MB and don't know the etiquette yet. I thought starting new threads is not recommended by the moniters of these forums.



He is someone who I was to go out on a date with, but I called the date off when I realized he was sexually involved with other women. Yes, I had hoped he and I could start a relationship.



Ouch, you have me beat there, sorry about your situation GB

(((Gerb)))
okay, now I feel terrible. Yeah, you don't want to start a bunch of new threads. But you find your original thread, I think it's "Gerberdaisie's Own Thread" - you can look in your "posts" under "My Stuff" at the top once you're logged in. Then just add your update there. People will be able to refer back to your earlier info to get perspective.

Oh, so it's that guy. Yeh, he's a loser. You deserve much better.

Thanks GB, it's my own fault; I've not fully detached. It's hard cause she's raising my kids 50% of the time, otherwise I wouldn't care as much.

NOW - as for the etiquette: we have successfully THREAD-JACKED KayCStamper's thread and should probably go home before she gets upset with us. I'll go back to "Another AD Story" and I'll check in on your own thread, GB. Best wishes.

Opt

Okay, this got threadjacked/sidetracked somehow, but back to the issue at hand.

Jim and I were talking about every other day and then his phone line got torn down last Saturday, he spoke to me once on a neighbor's phone Monday until we lost connection (I was on a cell and he was on a portable). Haven't heard from him since. I can't help but feel I'm just not all that important to him...am not going to contact him, will see what happens from here.

Been reading on loveshack.org and learned a lot from the threads I've been reading on. Basically not to act on my feelings, to let him make the move even for friendship. To do otherwise would present myself as needy and make him lose respect for me and treat me worse. Interesting. I guess appreciation is a lost art anymore? But it makes sense...

So, let's see. On 10/1 you're ready to back way up and think and start over. Then somewhere between 10/1 and 10/16 you're talking every other day. Now on 10/22 you're feeling that you're not that important to him, even though his phone line's down.

Hey KayC, I'm not trying to give you a hard time; only some perspective. I have no idea anything about this dating business. However, I do know it's easy to lose perspective in these matter.

Optimism

Opt, I don't see what's hard to understand here. He was calling me every other day and now he isn't, that does make me feel less important to him. The last time I talked to him he said he'd call me on his neighbor's phone. I wouldn't expect long conversations on a borrowed phone, but when you're close to someone, you usually want to stay in touch. He's busy working on his place but he'd said he thought he'd be done by last weekend.
We aren't talking relationship issues but he has said/done some things that have confused me. We were engaged for over a year, he broke up with me without notice/discussion, didn't talk to me for two months, then made contact again and spent hours talking to me, then ceased contact, and yes his phone line is down...unless he's gotten it hooked back up again since. Since he resumed contact he said he loved me, but I don't know if that was just out of habit or if he meant it. Right now isn't the time to ask. I am in limbo here and it's a very difficult place to be.

He seems to be confused himself. It's possible that he got 'scared' when he thought of tying a knot. He felt that he would lose his 'freedom'... you know all the common feeling many guys get before wedding?

Yet he obviously still cares for you. But he is not confident enough to admit it, because he is not ready (or who knows, he may never be ready) for a wedding bell. I also suspect that he does want to check on you to make sure you are still 'there' for him.

It's all not fair to you. He needs to make the decision, whether he chooses to be alone without you, or to be with you but to make it official. I know you don't want to demand such decision-making right at this moment, but in the end that is what needs to happen I think.

Well I don't want to push the issue, it's really not the time to push him. However, he is taking the risk of totally losing me, and he has to realize that. You're either committed or you're not. I'm not in any hurry to get back into dating, but he can't count on that either. I don't think he's interested in seeing anyone either. He's busy with his grief, settling the estate, probate, lawyers, fixing up his place, getting it ready for winter, etc. I think he's channeling his energy into being busy/doing...I remember that well from grieving, it helps to keep busy. That is in a way what I am doing too, I have been grieving the loss of my relationship as I knew it with Jim and have been cleaning, readying my place for winter, etc. At least, if nothing else, we're both getting things done!
I think Jim liked our life together, part time though it was, but don't think either of us pictured how it would look full time...and that's okay too, I was completely comfortable taking it slow, but maybe he didn't realize that and felt like he had to do or die, so to speak. Actually, I think slower is better.

Well I have my answer...a week ago he talked to me and mentioned his carpal tunnel was bothering him so he couldn't get anything done around the place, so I invited him up (he'd told me a month ago he'd probably come up some time)...well I was not prepared for his very immediate resounding emphatic NO! He then said we'd best communicate through email (which he's no good at) since his phone's been disconnected, so since I can't see him or talk to him, I get the picture, he really doesn't want to be more than "Christmas Card friends". After crying all the way home, I get home and he emailed me about a t.v. show. ??? I haven't heard from him since. I give up. I can't put stock in what he thinks, does, feels, doesn't feel, etc. It just puts me through the wringer too much, I've let go. Moving on...
Am not sure what I'm moving on to being as I don't want to date, don't trust guys anymore, and am pretty much down on the male population (present company excluded). I just need time to heal and get over this guy. Recognizing he has his issues and HE needs to deal with them, and they aren't healthy for ME and I need to protect myself and surround myself with positive influence, not people that are wishy washy and give out mixed messages and can't be counted on for anything. Am going to continue working on developing friendships, just friendships, doesn't matter if male or female, although I do think that women are less complicated. Ha!

Kay, his back-and-forth really stinks. But you are so strong to recognize it for what it is, and take steps to move on with your life. Kudos to you for deciding to "surround myself with positive influence, not people that are wishy washy and give out mixed messages and can't be counted on for anything."

More of us need to do that!

KayC, I'm sorry to hear what happened. He has no right to play with your emotions like this. Although I suspect he does not do this intentionally, and he probably himself is going through many mixed feelings, you are making the right decision to move forward. You cannot be his beck-and-call. You deserve better.

Stay busy, go out with your friends!

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak KayC. This guy is mixed up. Anyone who has carpal tunnel syndrome but prefers to communicate via e-mail is either a masochist or just kinda daffy. I was thinking you were going to say he couldn't dial the phone due to his CTS, but he wants to type all his feelings out? Good heavens.
Hang in there kid.

Opt

That's it! Opt, you have a great sense of humor, I had to laugh hard at this. You are right, this guy is suffering from carpal tunnel, and prefers typing - he is clearly not in a right mind.

It's not that he prefers typing...it's his way of saying "I don't want to see you and don't call either." Wish he'd told me that 1 1/2 years ago! I'd be over him by now and spared a lot of heartache.

I know, but don't think that he wasted your time. You always learn something from any kind of relationships. It's better now than next year. You are strong and attractive, go out and start having fun!

I hope you'll forgive me for trying to shed some humor on your situation. Really I feel for you and hope you'll feel better soon. KayC I've also been wanting to say how much I appreciate that you're going through this but still so willing to help us all out and offer your encouragement and input and wisdom. You are a special person that's for sure. Someone will be very fortunate to have you in their life. Hopefully real soon.

Opt

I couldn't agree more! KayC, you deserve better, someone will truly appreciate you, and he will be an extremely lucky guy, that I know for sure.

Right now that "special someone" is my dog, no kidding! Last night he came and laid next to me and laid his head on me and snuggled up with me, he's such a sweetie, he seems to know just when I need that!

Well I certainly don't need a messed up man, had too many of those, if I'm ever with anyone again, I want him to be together and mature. But that's a pretty big "if"!

I don't know that I've followed your entire thread KC, but when I read your last post it made me think of my own situation, and that all I have with me is "Leftover Lola" -- the cat my XWW didn't take with her.

The cat is almost as warped as she is. But we're two beings alone in the same house, and since I feed her, she's gotten to accept me, and now seeks me out for whatever passes in her world as "companionship."

This cat never used to purr, and still disappears whenever someone comes by (or whenever there's loud noises and/or quick movement). But she'll climb up on the sofa and snuggle up against me, purring happily.

We've come to accept each other, actually. As much as I'd like to find someone to spend time with in conversation and shared experience (dinner, movies, etc.), I just can't bring myself to do it right now. The cat doesn't have those options, so we're well suited for each other right now.

Heartwarming and Humorous, Fred. A post for the ages!

Fred, we may not be able to snuggle on the couch with you (or purr, for that matter) but I think I speak for a lot of us here on these boards:
Luv ya, man!


Opt

LOL! Thanks, opt. To be fair to KC, I've continued this on my own thread.

How are you doing KC? It's probably a good sign that we haven't heard from you in a while - hopefully you are busy doing a lot of fun stuff!

It's been exceptionally busy at work lately, been working over so haven't been on line in a few days.

Fred, I can relate. I somehow can't picture myself actually dating, and just don't feel the inclination in going through all that. It'd be nice to have someone to share life with but I'd rather that magically appear than have to go through what I'd have to in order to actually find someone...it's just too painful and time consuming a process. For now I'm just enjoying snuggling with my dog...uncomplicated and easy!

Uncomplicated, that's for sure KC! Dogs (sorry, no offence, all pets are great but it's just that I happen to be a dog person.....;) are such wonderful companions. Unconditional love... I miss that

Glad to hear that you have been busy, probably too busy to think much, eh. Way to go KC.

Yeah, nothing exciting though. It seems there's always housework, laundry, cooking, dishes, walking dogs, stacking wood, etc. And church activities. Work, commuting, etc. I spent some time this weekend designing the company Christmas cards (which I always make by hand), at least that part was fun. Lately I've been working long hours which doesn't let me get anything done during the week, esp. with my long commute. I'm growing stronger every day, I've been feeling really angry about what was done to me and that fuels my resolve for totally getting over Jim. But I realize it'll still take a while. I can't wait until I reach the "indifferent" stage.

He initiated a chat with me and invited me over to see what all he's done on his place.
I was real proud of myself. I held back emotionally, kept telling myself "he's not relationship material", he chattered about 2 1/4 hours, it was good to see him but I kind of look at him differently now. Still think he's cute, darn. it went well, I didn't get emotional, didn't cry during or after, didn't say I love you, and I ended the visit myself. Pat myself on the back, I followed all the rules.
He's talked to his exGF Stephanie, don't know when but within a couple of months I'd say, probably before he lost the landline. I just tell myself bully for them.
It was good to get home and see Arlie, he's bottled up full of energy.

So why did you go see him? Just curious why you would give him the time of day after what he did to you.

Hope you are doing well.

I guess because I wanted to know how I'd feel and because I may want to keep him as a friend, nothing more. I was pleasantly surprised at how far I'd come, esp. in the last couple of weeks.

Ok, I can accept that.

Glad you are doing better.

I'm glad you are doing better too, KC! I can relate, sometimes you feel that you want to 'test' to see if you have really come to a point where you began healing...

Happy to hear that you didn't cry during or after, and your loyal pooch welcomed you back!

I've had a pretty rough time since last night...barely made it home, they didn't plow the roads and it was all I could do to get the truck turned around, I had to park on the road because there's no way I could get in the driveway, it's full of snow. The internet and electricity and t.v. were all out, and I had to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, no way to heat up my dinner, so went to sleep since I'd been up most of the night before anyway. Elec. came back on and then went back off after a lot of off/on stuff, that's so hard on appliances! Got up at 3:00 or 3:30 and started shoveling snow, got the ramp shoveled, took an hour, my carpal tunnel is killing me, so took a break then shoveled a path towards the driveway, took another break, then shoveled over to the wood pile. Still need to get wood in and shovel to the street but my wrists are killing me. It's hard being alone, no one to share chores, finances, or even just chat about your day. I had a hard time finding the dogpoop in the pen cuz everything is covered in snow, so hope I got it. Went up in the yard again and brushed on the satellite dishes with the broom some more. Lo and behold I finally got it back, but don't know for how long. My son said it's 18 here (he looked on the weather report) at the highest. Still no snowplow, where are they? Tried to call my office this morning but no one answered, probably everyone trying to call in at once, ha! Left a msg on my boss' cellphone. Hated to take off but no choice. It's only Nov. and it's already like this? Have gotten at least two feet of snow but it's sinking down and really heavy.

Jim called last night and this morning(phone was all that was working). Can't understand him, don't understand why he broke up with me and can't even give me an explanation?

KC, I don't know you well enough to make this observation, but I'm going to, anyway.

I found it fascinating that you gave a very descriptive narrative about the weather, the affect it's having on your living conditions, how you're dealing with it and the pain (physical, but mental and emotional as well) it's causing. Then you offer two, short, vague sentences about Jim calling.

You've been very hurt by this broken relationship, but only mention it, almost in passing. Why is that? What is it you're trying to say (or avoid saying)?

And I wonder about this pushme-pullyou relationship. Maybe that's because my XWW is completely gone. Like dropped off the face of the earth to me. I only get snippets from others every once in a rare occurrence. And that's a good thing, I think.

I guess what I was trying to say is how my life is right now. I feel very isolated and all the more with all the snow and struggle...I'm finding the loss of Jim in my life very impacting as well. I'm still in the process of getting over him and trying to assimilate everything. It's confusing sometimes.
Yes, you're probably just as well off not hearing from your ex. I recognize that my relationship with Jim has changed...I'm hoping we can salvage a friendship, but not sure if that's possible. It's a little different because we weren't married, and because of how our relationship was to start with...we were more like companions so it's not that far from friendship, the difference being we are no longer a couple and I don't mean what I thought I did to him, and we're no longer going to spend our lives together.

Jim called me a dozen times yesterday morning, I was getting ready for work (walking the dog, putting cedar in the dogpen, making my lunch, showering, etc.) so didn't have time to answer, and he tried me on my way to work when I was on the phone with AT&T (I didn't want to lose my spot after voicemail, holding, etc.), so I called him back when done...he said he'd been crying, feeling nostalgic, he was listening to old songs, etc. ??? I told him to quit it! I said I'd turned my emotions off...asked him if it had anything to do with his mom's death and he said no. I don't know what he was trying to say or what it meant but I know I can't let him yank me around emotionally. I was real proud of myself, I gave him some sound advice on handling one's emotions through the holidays and then listened and chatted with him as a friend. Today he called at 5:30 am and I put him on speaker phone while I got ready for work. Guess he helped his ex-wife celebrate her birthday last night. That didn't evoke any feelings inside of me except to make me relieved he's no longer my problem! He may be a nice person, but man he seems messed up!
Other than continuing to struggle with the snow/vehicles, I'm doing okay. I'm very proud of myself for not letting emotions get the best of me. I know I'm not through the hurdle yet...Christmas season will be tough, all the memories. A couple of days ago on the radio they were talking about the Festival of Lights (which Jim and I went to together last year, one of his traditions) and I simply changed the channel. I have more to do than sit around and cry over someone who wronged me!

Nicely done KC! Very well handled.

Travis

I couldn't agree more. Must feel good to have that kind of strength KayC. good to see it!

Opt

I agree. And of course his mom's death is affecting him! How ridiculous of him to say otherwise.

I don't think he meant his mom's death isn't affecting him at all, I think he meant that wasn't why he was crying at the time. I asked him if it was having lost his family (he was married 30 years and did help his ex celebrate her bdy at his daughter's) and he said no. I think he was implying it was losing me but I didn't respond to that, he is the one that threw me away so whatever it is, he needs to work his way through it, just as I've had to.

He called again at 5:30 this morning, I don't know what's up with that but I don't put a whole lot of stock by it...he's just as likely to disappear on me for a few weeks.

Hi KC, it's me, milkshake....

I am so happy and proud to see you being strong, way to go! Jim can miss you all day/night long, but cannot play with your emotions as he pleases. How are things afterward?

I have had some technical problems and have not been on the site for a month... soon as I logged on, it frozed up...., and each time I just did not have the patiance to wait for 15 minutes for each page to pop up, and ended up logging off. And after several trials in a few weeks to no avail, I kind of stopped trying to log on.

Glad to see you doing very well, I missed you!

Got to tell you that it sounds like he is happy for you to meet his needs (conversation, shoulder to cry on) but he isn't interested in meeting yours.

Maybe take a break from him and then go back later if you want to be friends?

Hi milkshake, I've missed you! I've been off line all week too...
Jim calls me daily, sometimes for hours...but he isn't trying to get me back and I'm not going there anyway. We are friendly and enjoying each other's company but I've already determined he is NOT relationship material...too many issues obviously...I don't even know what all they are...I am not sure he does either. He is a very enjoyable person, very funny, I'm very comfortable with him, which is the only reason I still speak to him.

Hi KC! You are doing the right thing, I'm very happy to see how you have become strong and can have the boundary around you.

Since you are not trying to achieve 'recovery', there is nothing wrong being friendly with him. Just be careful and do not get too comfortable/accustomed to this daily 'friendly' conversation, I do not want you to get hurt again in the future 'IF' he chooses to 'disappear' again for whatever bizarre/selfish reasons.

I am not counting on him for anything. He's already proven himself to not be trustworthy in that department. I just enjoy his company as it comes my way. I rarely initiate phone calls, usually it is him calling me. I love him but am achieving the emotional distance I need and have given "love" a new meaning where he is concerned...whereas once I loved him with the idea in mind we would spend our lives together...now it is more casual and simply a sort of a friend that I enjoy when he's there.

Great! I like your bold attitude. Keep it up!

Merry Christmas!!!!!