Many pastors, church leaders, and Christian therapists will not confront the Adulterous. They will confront the victim! Who is already reeling from the Adulterous adultery, now gets smashed again by counselors and helpers. The Victim was told: " His/Her adultery is your fault and you'd better get to work so he/she won't stray again." "Not only is the adultery your fault but now it's your fault that you're angry and bitter.

The only one who sinned, gets a free pass! Disgraceful.

What do you think?

I think I'd find a new religion and new religious leaders.

I agree with Smiling Woman.

You did nothing wrong, you did not chose adultery.

Do not believe that hogwash.

WOAH! Really? I know the church we go to does not do that, they will actually excommunicate you for adultery.

I agree, go find a new church, you do not need that.

I am very fortunate. I found a church where the pastor is not only very sensitive to marital infidelity, but often sermonizes on hurting and healing. It was his speaking to the broken aspect of us that appealed to me, and kept me coming back.

Let me add my voice to the chorus: Find another church if yours is hurting you. That's just... backwards.

It happened to me.

I was tossed out and my adulterous ex-wife was considered redeemable, all because her sister's husband is a wealthy attorney.

He's now the head of the deacon board.

Church is nothing but a scam. It's so the wicked can absolve themselves of the evil they do.

Period.

CW,
I'm sure you recognize generalizing when you see it. You're smart enough to get different perspectives, that's why you're here.

God gave us free will. That's why there's adultery.

opt

Women are treated like dirt in the Philippines.

SmilingWoman,
My church is great its just that i found a topic on the net regarding this

Hope3343, do you notice nowadays some people will be asking whats the reason u betray or they will tell that "It was a marriage problem.

It like they're telling focus on improving the marriage not on the SIN of adultery. Then eventually, it was we the victim faults not he betrayal

Pariah, sorry to hear that...

I just hate it when people tell me, maybe your not good on... or maybe you don't take care of him that well or maybe you don't do this & that.

It's like they are forcing me to feel guilty. It's more I am the one being condemn.

But I thank God my Pastor's are not like this, some pastor's that I know do tell me such thing.

Pariah, not all women. Some of us are Strong but there are many Women Marty's esp Wife's.

The only person I have had tell me this is my XH. Just last night he tried to tell me that I 'pushed' him into adultery.

I could argue all day long about how good or bad of a wife I was, but the fact remains his sin his his responsbility. He had the option of divorcing me (and although *I* wouldn't have believed that made him scripturally free at least I wouldn't have been blindsided) or working it out or maybe like me--just living with the spouse he vowed to love and be faithful to even in bad times.

So no...the adultery is on the adulterer.

I see this a little differently. First, no church should excuse adultery. It is a sin, just like theft and lying.

That said, what is the pastor's primary concern? Is it to punish the sinner or to keep the marriage together? If it is to keep the marriage together, then punishing the adulterer is tricky since you want to keep communication up enough to persuade the person to return to the marriage.

And, in general, the approach isn't entirely different from MB's approach. What was going on the in the marriage that created an envirnment where infidelity could occur? Both the WS and the BS have to acknowledge what they contributed to the situation. This is not to say it's the BS's fault. It's not the WS could have made other choices such as getting a divorce first.

I sort of think of it like this. Infidelity is like a blinding migraine that has you vomitting and lying flat in a dark room unable to move. BUT, it turns out that headache is only a symptom of a tumor which you may or may not have been able to feel.

Sometimes the tumor is the WS who is just plain evil and would cheat on anyone no matter what.

Sometimes the tumor is a bunch of other troubles in the marriage that BOTH spouses created. Things like distrust even prior to the affair, lack of physical intimacy and chemistry, being out of love, or down right hatred between the two people.

That was my experience when my ex-wife had her affair. The pastor asked me what I did to cause her to have the affair.

He wouldn't approach her in accordance to the process described in Matthew 18 regarding church discipline.

The role of the church is not to PUNISH the sinner, but to confront the sinner with the truth of her sin and convince her to repent from the sin and return to the marriage.

Sadly, many churches do exactly as you describe and blame the victim, while failing to confront the adulterous spouse.

Great you know about Matthew 18...

It's not a marriage problem, but a sin problem.

Sometimes the BS didn't contribute, sometimes the WS is just a heel. My ex was a con that didn't take our vows seriously, he pretended so he could use me...I don't see how I contributed to the environment that led to his committing adultery since there's nothing I could have been or done to have prevented it...the fact is, he didn't value me like I did him. The joke was on me!

I would have been the first to exclaim that my church "wasn't like that", until I witnessed a betrayed woman be asked to leave the choir as it caused "too much contaversey", then we got some guest preacher spitting fire and brimstone about executing gays.

Then came my divorce, I presented the pastor with the evidence to counter her lies. Well, I got pretty much turned out to the wilderness.

The only consolation I got was the music minister ran off with the pastor's sister in law and robbed a bank. Big time on the embarassment.

I guess those churches threw out the Ten Commandments.



The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17 NKJV)

1 �I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.

2 �You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.

3 �You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.

4 �Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

5 �Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

6 �You shall not murder.

7 �You shall not commit adultery.

8 �You shall not steal.

9 �You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

10 �You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.�

Sorry to hear that, we'll there's really nothing we can do about what they did. Let's just make sure we won't rebel about it, but it ain't easy. Easy said than done...

Unfortunately whatever our reactions & choices we are accountable for it. Oh Wish, its easy to recover the pain that causes it.

Kay, I hear you...

When I first discovered my now XH cheating on me with his skank, my GF said "Well, some guys just can't get it up for fat chicks," (I was 20 lbs. overweight). If that's not blaming a BS, I don't know what is. Incidentally, he was overweight too and so was my GF.