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Posted By: N0Way0ut Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/17/11 04:56 PM
I am back on the MB forums after quiet a while, hoping to get some advice.

Here is my story, in the shortest version possible:

WW engaged in a PA for about 1 1/2 years with her boss. We tried going to MC and work things out for about 2 months. I then caught WW and OM (also married) still communicating and seeing each other. Split up occurred about May 2009, and D finalized November 2009. WW and OM are not together, with the OM going back to his spouse. WW wanted nothing to do with me other than friendship. We talk now, but only when we have to because she pays me monthly for a loan we had together.

Here is my problem:

I have dated a few women since then. I have had no problem getting women interested, but I can not keep interest myself. They are very good women, and I know I should appreciate that. After about a month with them, I am just not in it anymore and have no idea why it just "goes away" for me. I am currently dating a very nice 31 year old lady, with a 3 year old child. I am 26, nice career going, and things are going well for me. She pays attention, cares for me, worries about me, does everything I ever want. She has read his needs her needs, and the five languages of love. We have spoken about these things, and both explained what we need from each other.

Why can I not get my ex WW out of my mind? I do not think about her every single day, but enough that I wish I had everything we did before without the cheating. I feel it is not fair to my current GF, and I don't think it is best to talk to her about it. I think this might be part of the reason I can not keep interest for very long. Any suggestions, advice, or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.
Wow. I'm having same issues, except it has been 8 years for me and I am remarried. I do have an interest in my new husband and I know he is what is best for me at this juncture. However the old feelings pop up frequently. My advice is to not jump into a long term relationship until those old feelings are settled. I think I did that and now I'm stuck between someone who loves me dearly and that I love as well and someone that I still have feelings for that have never completely gone away. I contribute mine to having promised to love my X til death do us part--and whether or not it is good for me, I am afraid I always will. In the meantime I am married to a wonderful guy who provides for me, cares for me and my sons, and treats me well. I love him for that, but it is a different love. Anyway....I would certainly say to resolve old feelings before moving on.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/18/11 12:01 AM
I do not feel that I will ever "unlove" my XWW. I know people say you have to be over that person, but I feel that I am. I don't think that the love that will be there forever should be considered not getting over them. I have a feeling that if I find someone I am truly and completely interested in, those might go away. I'm wondering if maybe there is such a thing out there though.
Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/18/11 04:27 AM
I think it's just going to take some time to resolve some of your feelings for your ex-wife.

Maybe you could take some time off from dating, and just do other stuff you love to do. You could meet women that way as well, but just hang out, no pressure? Maybe? I haven't dated in 20 years, so this is just coming from some other stuff I've read. In time, I think we can find a place in our hearts for someone new. Hard for me to think about it right now, but I'll leave that option open.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/22/11 01:44 PM
I figured it would take some time, but not this long. I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.
Posted By: optimism Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/22/11 02:26 PM
NWO,
I'm surprised you have a financial loan as a means to tie you to your WW. Cant she just send you a check?
From what I know of the benefits of PlanB, I think you should be in it. I would think that every time you encounter your ex, the feelings are renewed; probably you kinda forget about the cheating and just remember the good things (especially since time has passed and you are most likely a positive person so you don't hold on to a lot of negative stuff).

I think I know what youre saying because I've recently had a few awkward, but real, dreams of my WxW and I believe its because I keep having to run into her due to 2 kids (drop offs and stuff). She wants a fantasy divorce, so she's always trying to be super nice and cooperative. Part of me is glad for that but the other part screams "She's a cheater!! Stay away!!"

Originally Posted by nwo
I figured it would take some time, but not this long. I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.
So, the time factor I think is being extended because of your consistent contact with ex. And I totally disagree with the second statement - I sense you aren't comfortable with it either.

Can I also say that I don't think it's fair to your new GF(s) that you continue needless contact with the ex, especially in light of what it apparently does to you. From the other side of that one: the woman I'm dating still has quite a bit of contact with her ex of 10 years; honestly I'm a little uncomfortable with it, but we just started going out so I'm currently just in the monitoring stage to see if it's really a deal breaker.

So, to be really harsh: seems to me you need to crap or get off the pot with the ex -- either Plan B her or ask her out. I don't recommend dating a known adulterer, to me "once a cheater, always a cheater" holds true, but that's the cynical me, and let's face it I was once wayward and I am positive I'll never do it again.

Good Luck NoWayOut

optimism

Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/23/11 07:46 PM
Quote
I feel bad that I think someone will have to "replace" her in my heart before that happens, but it seems to be a harsh truth.


You don't have to look at it as "replacing" her. That's like losing one of your kids and replacing them. That's not going to happen.

For me, there may always be a place in my heart for someone I loved so deeply, and since no one ele IS him, no one can replace him.

But I do believe that in time, once you've truly healed from this wound, you will have plenty of room for someone else in your heart. After you let go of the ex completely.
She could have an automatic payment set up by her bank every month to pay you, she could do a billpay, or send you a check, or just deposit directly into your bank account.
The longer you have prolonged contact, the harder it will be for you to heal and move on. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/27/11 03:03 PM
Thank you for all the replies. I actually do not have verbal contact with her because of this loan. Everything is done through text and she deposits the money into my checking account every month. Other than that, we do not speak. My problem is that I think of her because she has never been mean at all through the divorce process and after. I know I will never get back with her again, but we did get along great. I know I can do this, but if she was a friend.... she would actually be a very good one.
Posted By: Pariah Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/27/11 05:00 PM
Good friends never betray you.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/28/11 01:36 AM
I meant I can't do this. Sorry. I told her we would never be friends.
Posted By: optimism Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/28/11 11:28 AM
Originally Posted by N0Way0ut
I meant I can't do this. Sorry. I told her we would never be friends.
She's not friend material NOW...Pariah's right.

Quote
My problem is that I think of her because she has never been mean at all through the divorce process and after. I know I will never get back with her again, but we did get along great. I know I can do this, but if she was a friend.... she would actually be a very good one.
So just to make sure...
In my experience Waywards tend to outwardly very nice people who want everyone to love them; it's like a boundary issue. So even though she stabbed you in the back and bonked her boss for however long, she wants to just maybe 'get past it' and have everyone get along. (I heard this part from Steve Harvey during a consult). By being nice to their victim, it assuages some of the tremendous guilt they feel - but this is NOT compensation, it's more selfishly driven and they are STILL wayward at heart.

It does seem like for some reason your emotional bank account with this one is high (because she's been pleasant and cooperative, and she might have other attributes that you found attractive and still do).

I haven't read all your posts and I don't know your whole story Nowayout so I hope you'll forgive me if I'm being presumptuous but I'm afraid your at risk of making the same mistake I did the first time my wife had a PA, 10 years ago. I didn't understand the significance of adultery or what it took for someone to betray their wedding vows to that extent. I considered it a glitch/mistake/anomaly and most likely a one-time-thing. But it's more of a character defect relating to boundaries and if one doesn't address it in themselves properly it will continue to surface (I should know, I have the same problem and have made myself acutely aware of the tendency and I really watch my boundaries). Anyway, of course my wayward wife again followed that path albeit years later: she simply can't be faithful; she has yet to address the lack of boundaries.

I think it's so important for you to get this because I do believe your attachment to the ex is affecting your new relationships. I also have a big concern that you're going to get involved with another woman who has no boundaries and will cheat on you. I've dated 4 women since my D was final and it has been one of the first things I looked for; there is no long term potential for me and a woman who has poor boundaries.

Again, forgive me if I'm saying things you already know. And good luck, NWO.

~opt
ps
Quote
I do not think about her every single day, but enough that I wish I had everything we did before without the cheating. I feel it is not fair to my current GF, and I don't think it is best to talk to her about it.
You can have it all and more - just not with WaywardExW. And I wonder if it would actually be good to talk to your current GF about it - it's intimate conversation and what we call Radical Honesty. I like that she's read HNHN, that helps.


Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/28/11 04:05 PM
Thanks opt, things makes much more sense than it ever has before. I never thought if it at a character issue. I see now how I think she is just trying to justify what she did in her mind, and by being nice to me.... It's like it is going to make her feel better for what she did on the inside. I might have a talk with the current gf, but it is a little soon I believe. We have only been together a little short of 2 months.
Posted By: SidneyT Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/28/11 05:49 PM
Originally Posted by N0Way0ut
I see now how I think she is just trying to justify what she did in her mind, and by being nice to me.... It's like it is going to make her feel better for what she did on the inside.

That's exactly right!!! My ex-WH does the same thing- super nice and cooperative and pleasant. "It's all great, see? I didn't really just destroy a marriage and a family, because we all get along and are happy".

Don't fall for it!

You deserve to be with someone who is honest and faithful and your ex was neither of those. It's a matter of believing deep down inside that you deserve better, and it will eventually come to you at just the right time.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/29/11 06:04 AM
Thanks a lot all of you. I knew this site would help! Good luck in all of your journeys.
Posted By: Isabeau Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/29/11 03:55 PM
I wanted to offer a different point of view, since I was the wayward spouse.

I have confessed, apologized, and asked for forgiveness from my ex-husband. I do not attempt to justify my adulterous behavior, and in any new relationship, I would be very open to checks and balances so that honesty and fidelity were guarded.

In terms of my relationship with my ex, because we have children, I am polite and nice to him. Do I do this because I'm trying to appease my guilt or be liked? No, that's not my motivation.

Although I admit that I do struggle with boundaries, and have since I was very, very young, the way I behave right now on a day to day basis reflects my desire to be a better person.

I'm painfully aware of my flaws and that being the woman I hope to be won't be accomplished on my own. I have shelves full of books about behavior and relationships, and I'm constantly seeking to understand and grow.

So, when I'm kind to those around me, I'm not trying to manipulate or win anyone over to 'my side'. My intention is to simply take responsibility for what I can control in my life - me.
Posted By: Kirby Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/29/11 05:14 PM
Originally Posted by Isabeau
I wanted to offer a different point of view, since I was the wayward spouse.

I have confessed, apologized, and asked for forgiveness from my ex-husband. I do not attempt to justify my adulterous behavior, and in any new relationship, I would be very open to checks and balances so that honesty and fidelity were guarded.

In terms of my relationship with my ex, because we have children, I am polite and nice to him. Do I do this because I'm trying to appease my guilt or be liked? No, that's not my motivation.

Although I admit that I do struggle with boundaries, and have since I was very, very young, the way I behave right now on a day to day basis reflects my desire to be a better person.

I'm painfully aware of my flaws and that being the woman I hope to be won't be accomplished on my own. I have shelves full of books about behavior and relationships, and I'm constantly seeking to understand and grow.

So, when I'm kind to those around me, I'm not trying to manipulate or win anyone over to 'my side'. My intention is to simply take responsibility for what I can control in my life - me.

Isabeau, it sounds like you have really grown and matured through your experiences as a wayward spouse. I'm impressed.

I think that most of us with wayward exes find them "acting" nicey nice because they are out to prove to themselves and others that the BS was the one with the problem. That's a completely different paradigm.
Posted By: Isabeau Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/29/11 05:52 PM
Originally Posted by Kirby
I think that most of us with wayward exes find them "acting" nicey nice because they are out to prove to themselves and others that the BS was the one with the problem. That's a completely different paradigm.

Well, I'm not above that. blush

I struggle within myself, in terms of blaming - not necessarily in regard to the affair, but about our sexual issues and the lack of trust and honesty between us during our marriage.

But, I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I'm responsible for my choices, and becoming a person of integrity is important to me.
I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all conclusion we can come to on each and every wayward. If it is a character defect that cannot be corrected, there wouldn't be so many saved marriages here. There is a deficiency in the person that allows them to do everything they did, all the while justifying it to themselves and possibly to others...but some of them are remorseful, and do learn and grow and instill boundaries which help to ensure no further repeats of past behavior.

I guess I'm not understanding the original issue on this thread because if he doesn't want her back and is seeing someone else, what is the problem or question?
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/30/11 12:11 AM
kayc,

My problem is that I can't seem to keep interest in any women after a month or 2. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced the same thing and could shed some light on the situation. I didn't know if maybe I just haven't found one yet, or if this is a common behaviour of a person in my situation.
Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/30/11 04:21 PM
Quote
My problem is that I can't seem to keep interest in any women after a month or 2.


I completely understand how you feel, even though I'm not divorced and trying to date yet.

I still have feelings, deep ones, for my husband. It wasn't until after I lost him, that I truly appreciated the things he did that gave me feelings of love for him. So, it's hard for me to think about wanting to be with anyone else right now. There are a lot of things I love about my husband, that no one else will be able to duplicate.

Do you find yourself comparing your new dates to your ex-wife? If so, I can see where that's a problem.

The only way I know how to solve that, is to not date for awhile longer until you've let go of your ex more.

Also, no two people are ever going to be the same. So if you find yourself comparing your new dates, with your ex, you need to try not to do that. Have an open mind that this new person may have qualities that you could fall in love with, if you give it some time, and you don't compare.

Just allow yourself to enjoy the moment with who you are with, with an open mind, and try to get to know them better. They just might surprise you.

What I've learned about romance is..........

- Initial chemistry is important.
- Seeing if you can meet each other's needs is important, while knowing that the need meeting should be a gift, and not a demand. It's like icing on your cake, a cake (you) that doesn't need the icing, but the added value is nice to have.
- Both people need to be willing to negotiate issues so that you don't get stuck on issues.
- Basic acceptance for who that person is. You can't try to change another person, only yourself.

At this point in your life, maybe dating can wait for a little while. Maybe just pick some activities to do in an environment where there are other women that you could enjoy their company, without any pressures.
Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 01/30/11 04:23 PM
Quote
My problem is that I can't seem to keep interest in any women after a month or 2


And this could be as simple as you haven't met anyone yet that floats your boat enough. Maybe they're just not right for you.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/01/11 06:05 AM
We will see, I hope that is what the problem is. Maybe the saying is true, they come along when you are not looking.
Originally Posted by N0Way0ut
We will see, I hope that is what the problem is. Maybe the saying is true, they come along when you are not looking.
This has been my experience.

But look how well that worked for me! laugh
Posted By: mindshare Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/01/11 05:55 PM
Originally Posted by MyJourney
There are a lot of things I love about my husband, that no one else will be able to duplicate.

Sorry MJ but I think this is a major flaw in your thinking and will weigh you down for some time to come. It is unhealthy to you to romanticize your WXH in this way. Saying this to yourself, you are just convincing yourself of it's truth and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are loads of good guys that can give you everything and more that your WXH ever did (added bonus of being faithful as well). But as long as you keep up with this stinkin' thinkin' you will never have a chance to discover them.

@NWO - Have you ever considered that perhaps you are self-sabotaging these new relationships because you are scared to get to close to somebody new? Let's face it, you have been through a tremendous amount of pain and hurt based on the actions of your WXW. Who would want to put their heart out there again anytime soon and run the risk of it getting stomped on again? I say this because I think I have been doing this myself. I'm not really giving new women that I meet a true chance and I'm finding reasons to not let things get too intimate. If you are reaching the 1-2 month mark and then pulling back then this could be exactly what is happening. You may be using your WXW as an 'out'. If you hold her up for comparison it gives you a reason to pull back on the new girl.

Trust me NWO, there are many women out there that you can fall deeply in love with. You just have to be willing to take the proverbial leap of faith. I'm struggling with it also but now that I recognize it, I am pushing through it. You can do it too.

Something to consider....
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/02/11 01:53 AM
Thanks mindshare, and I see your point. I have not been comparing them to her, but it is possible that I don't want to open myself to anyone yet. I find little things getting on my nerves very easily, so I think it has something more to do with me not finding that right person yet.

I will definitely consider everything you said though.
Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/02/11 07:44 AM
Quote
Originally Posted By: MyJourneyThere are a lot of things I love about my husband, that no one else will be able to duplicate.


Sorry MJ but I think this is a major flaw in your thinking and will weigh you down for some time to come. It is unhealthy to you to romanticize your WXH in this way. Saying this to yourself, you are just convincing yourself of it's truth and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are loads of good guys that can give you everything and more that your WXH ever did (added bonus of being faithful as well). But as long as you keep up with this stinkin' thinkin' you will never have a chance to discover them.


Thanks Mindshare. I do catch myself romanticizing him, and I'm doing it less as time goes on. When I look at the facts and reality, he's far from my illusions.

I will have an open mind when it comes to other men.
Posted By: MyJourney Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/02/11 07:51 AM
Quote
I have not been comparing them to her, but it is possible that I don't want to open myself to anyone yet. I find little things getting on my nerves very easily, so I think it has something more to do with me not finding that right person yet.


Everyone has to go at their own pace, but try to gradually move past your fears bit by bit. Everything seems to have polar opposites, and the opposite of risk is reward.


Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/04/11 10:51 PM
I think I am just going to fly low for now. Tired of the whole building relationship part. I think it is just too much work for me sometimes....
No way,
Maybe you're right, maybe you haven't met the right one yet. When I was married to my late husband, we both put great effort into our relationship, but it didn't FEEL like effort, you know? We WANTED to, we loved each other, we clicked, we KNEW the other was "the one", just no doubts in our minds! When it's like that, you just know. It was all so perfect...and so wonderful.
Posted By: N0Way0ut Re: Problems keeping interest, need advice - 02/06/11 03:46 PM
Kayc,

I know exactly what you mean. It needs to feel natural for it to work. I believe that the chemistry needs to be there pretty much right away.
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