Tabitha just found out today that her mom has cancer. She is freaked out, drinking herself into a coma and I just don't care. She's a 44 year old woman and needs to buck up in front of her son that is failing school and I am having to support also.

I've been through this with my dad and I don't recall folding up. I'm more concerned about her not going down to the unemployment office and getting her extension filed that she is a month out on doing. All she has done since losing her job is lay on the sofa, watch tv and smoke.

I absolutely refuse to fund a trip to go and see her mother when they haven't even discussed stage or treatment yet.


I guess I really am the monster my ex wife said I was. Oh well.

I don't think you're messed up or a monster... I'm more curious as to why you're with a woman who you admittedly don't seem to care much for (or care much for her well being). You seem indifferent... why is that?

My thoughts and concerns exactly.

Maybe I'm a misogynist now? Maybe I just don't care.

I don't know. I am the only one contributing here now and she is too concerned with me sending her to see her mother than planning ahead to get herself financially capable of handling this.

She just told her son he is going to have to find a carpool to get himself to his night classes. He won't even tear himself from his video games long enough to eat much less get a ride to school.

Maybe I'm just getting old and mean.

I see that you resent her for not carrying her weight financially. Is that a fair assessment?

If so, have you figured out what you boundary is here, and shared that with her?

Are you married to her? It seems quite a situation...if you give her the boot you feel like a heel doing so while her mom has cancer...yet if you don't, you're stuck with a woman who is acting the part of a loser, not able to buck up and do what she needs to do.
It is all well and good to be compassionate, but we need to be careful to guard against enabling. When we fill in for their deficiency, we don't allow them to step up to the plate and learn the lessons they need to be learning themselves. Sometimes tough love really IS the most loving and compassionate thing, even if it doesn't FEEL like it at the time.
I would not be supporting two grown losers. But that's just me. I'm sorry her mom has cancer, but we all have our hard places in life...I could give you a list of mine, but the point is, we have to keep going regardless of what life throws at us. We can't just lay down and give up on life.

She has a brain injury that makes her ability to prioritize illogical. She would rather fold like a cheap lawn chair than plan what needs to be done and to find out just how bad it is.

She avoided going down to the unemployment office for a over month because every excuse possible. I forced her up this morning at 5:00AM and told her she better call me when she gets there.

Turned out she misunderstood a question on the online reporting and it merely got suspended. She is getting her benefits with back pay after she let the bills get 2 months behind before I had to catch everything up and this is after I spent a fortune at Christmas for her other sone and his wife to stay with us a week.

She now has the funding to see her mom after surgery, but she has told her son he needs to find a way to school at night. I really don't think the internet addict cares if he graduates or not. I can pick him up when it's out at 10:00PM, but I'd have to get off work at 2:30 to get him there by 4:00. That's almost $90 in lost salary a day for me to give up those 2 hours.

It sounds as if you totally despise her. Do you?

Pariah, it almost sounds like you have trouble saying no. If you don't want to do something, not only don't do it, but don't offer to do it if you know you're going to resent it. You are enabling them.

How does it sound like he despises her? Because he wants her to be responsible for her own life and kids? If anything he enables it because he seems to feel that he is somehow obligated to support her.

I despise my ex-wife and hope she dies in a fire.

Tabitha has a brain injury which she tries to cover up. She frustrates me with her deal with it at the 11th hour attitude because she refuses to face the truth, any truth until it's broadside and pounding her hull with cannonballs.

She was too concerned with laying on the sofa feeling sorry for herself then telling me she had failed to notify me about the utilities. Her son only comes out of his room to eat. He would rather stay in there with the invisible "friends" on that soul sucking exxbauxx than go flying with me to go get a poboy and gumbo. It wasn't like that until I got the fast internet.

He doesn't even want to drive the car much less fly the airplane. He prefers the invisible girlfriend to the cute little chick at his school that likes him.

I know I was awkward and shy in school, but when I was 18, I was a manwh0re.

Tabitha and I dated back when we were in our really early 20's and she left me because she said I wasn't "fun" (I didn't like staying drunk). I was a "stick in the mud" (I plan ahead and keep the family safe). Now 25 years later after my divorce, her life went nothing but downhill because she chose a man that was "fun" and when she was what he called ruined from the stroke, he abused her and divorced her. She was crippled so she lost her son to him and she pretty much drifted and lived with her mother.

I guess I was the most stability she's seen in 20 years. However, I haven't changed much. I am still responsible and even more careful now. She is FINALLY planning things out to see her mother, but now planning to leave before her surgery. I am now pressured to get her car ready for a thousand mile trip this week. I just got done polishing the head light lenses, changing the oil and other fluids.

To her, nothing bad can happen on the road because it hasn't happened yet. She is incapable of predicting danger at all.

I watched her walk calmly though a swarm of hornets a year ago. I had to tell her to go back to her car and wait for me to tell her when it would be safe. I had to bee suit up and blast them with spray. There literally was hundreds of them and yet none got her. However they hit my bee suit like dive bombers.

I wouldn't change my work schedule and income for the 18 year old kid, let him take a bus. Is he in high school or college? He needs to be responsible for himself and if he's not in school and with a part time job, he needs to leave the nest. Can't carry him forever! He may not be your son, but the fact that you're there and having to deal with him gives you some say.

Brain injury or not, if this is a relationship you don't want to be in...get out of it. You don't have to suffer for life because of someone else.

Sounds like POJA, boundaries, and compassion are all needed.

Hmm. If someone talked to my girlfriend the way you just described your OWN girlfriend, I'd have to have words with them.

It doesn't sound to me like you love her. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her (and her son).

What do YOU want in a partner? Is she meeting your criteria?

I have alot of resentment towards all women. I have resentment towards her son because he has become a lazy white trash leech.

He thinks he is going to have some chick from facebook come and stay with him this weekend. I come home to find some stranger in my home I consider them an intruder and off to jail they go.

If he wants chix over, he needs to get a job and his own place. However they ain't handing jobs out to failures. There is no CEO position for internet gaw'duh.

Tabs was fine until she got what SHE wanted and then her effort stopped. I have to push her to do anything. I have to call her to turn on Roxy's light and let her out of her cage or else Roxy screeches all day.

Why do you have "A lot of resentment towards all women", Pariah? I can certainly understand toward your ex and Tabitha, but I wonder way ALL women deserve your resentment.

My own mother beat me severely back when my father had a series of ONS. She beat me into a coma when I was in first grade.

When I got married I swore, I would no matter what, keep my family safe and happy. Little did I know I married a psychotic, covetous, ***edit*** that nothing would make her happy as she resented herself for not being her father's favorite child.

She in turn, to cover up her affair(s) tried to have me killed.

I am only frustrated with Tabs because she has trouble with empathy as a part of her brain injury. She tries, but it takes alot of effort on her part and she ain't the most motivated person there is.

She is on the way back from Mississippi with me a gallon of remoulade sauce and a shrimp poboy from my favorite restaurant. Her heart is in the right place, but I feel like I have to grab the controls and wrestle the ship all by myself.

Pariah,
Maybe you don't want advice, but mine would be to extricate yourself from this situation, and maybe be on my own a bit and spend some time healing and developing a healthy attitude towards women and learning all about red flags and boundaries to ensure that the next time you get into a HEALTHY relationship...then and only then, just maybe you can have a truly pizazz relationship! You are a good person, you don't deserve to settle for any less.

I can really relate to your feelings...I haven't had a good history with men...I did have one man that truly loved me but he died. But I can't relegate "bad" to all men...just most of them I've come into contact with. It would be unfair to label ALL men that way though. What I need to do, if I ever want anyone in my life again (and that's a pretty big "if") is to raise the bar and learn to recognize healthy from unhealthy...that is what I'm working on now. I can work on establishing boundaries, recognizing red flags, even while not dating!

Pariah, with all due respect - and you've been here far longer than I have, I think you're feeling sorry for yourself and lashing out at those around you instead of looking inside yourself and changing what you can.

You can't control anyone else, so don't waste your emotions on b1tching about them. You can only control your own actions, so focus on that.

One of my favorite quotes is this (from a skinny white guy named Mike Skinner): "If you don't like what's going down / You gotta change something round / And what you can't change you've got to change the way you thought about".

There is a WHOLE lot you can change here. Sounds like it's time to man up and make some changes, drastic ones. The resentment towards her son and Tabitha is poisoning you.

Best wishes,
Arpeggi

Felling sorry for myself? No. Griping yes. Like you said, you ain't been here very long and I don't have the time to spell it out for you, but rest assured I have made great strides considering what I have been through.

My problem is that I just don't care that her mother has cancer. I've seen my own father die a miserable painful death from it when I was 28. His death was a relief. I don't get what the big deal is with Tabs folding up like a cheap lawn chair.

If your wife has a brain injury that she's not dealing with have you considered that the brain injury itself prevents her from dealing with it? Perhaps she isn't capable of doing what you're expexcting from her. Someone very close to me suffered a brain injury years ago. It changed who he was. His personality changed dramatically. He had to go on disability because his injury affected his short term memory. He couldn't concentrate on a task for more than ten minutes. He'd wander away from that task and on to something else. He exhibited poor judgement regarding his own behavior and took dangerous risks. All of these things were directly related to his brain injury. He couldn't help it. Is it possible your wife can't help it either? Are you blaming her for behavior she can't fix?

My friend's wife, by the way, ended up divorcing him (and endured a lot of hateful comments from others) because he was someone completely different from the man she married but mostly because she felt his inability to be responsible and his bad choices put their young children at risk. In my mind, she made the right decision.

I didn't get the impression they were married...Pariah, set us straight. To me there's a big difference between the commitment in marriage and living together. One can be gotten out of (which is why it usually isn't a good idea to get into) and the other should be seen through thick and thin. JMHO

No, we aren't married and she knows I will never remarry.

Marriage is an outdated religious concept to control the masses who were eaten by dinosaurs before they could have a mid life crisis and cheat.

I may not buy what you're selling Pariah but I certainly do appreciate your point of view! lol...

Well, you've been here two years longer than I have, but I've been here 3 years myself. I've read your entire story. And I've read every post where you remind everybody how horrible what you went through was. And I have no doubt it was awful! But I still think you have a lot of self-pity, dude. And that prevents a healthy personal recovery. Lots of us have been through painful divorces to varying degrees - it's not a pissing match as to whose is worse than whose. Focus on recovering and let go of the past.


You do understand that people react differently to trauma, right? You may have reacted one way, but that doesn't invalidate Tabitha's DIFFERENT but equally valid reaction. It sounds to me like you lack empathy, and have intentionally shut that emotion off as a self-defense mechanism..... is that about right?

And you're on a site called "Marriage Builders" why?

Do you never contact your best bud from band camp when your time there is up?

That's the idea I get, he has friends here.

I second what Arpeggi said.

I sense a lot of unresolved anger and resentment in your posts. You may want to try to find a way to release it. It will harm you, and those around you.

To try and figure out what's wrong?

I KNOW why I am angry. I had my cheating wife try to have me killed and the judge did NOTHING.

He GAVE my retirement to my cheating wife. ($65,000)

He GAVE my house to my cheating wife. ($120,000)

He gave me all the debt and owed taxes on top of the $30,000 in medical bills I owed from my injury. THAT is what I'm angry about.

On top of it all, the church I attended turned me out to the wilderness because her sister's husband is head of the deacon board. The pastor refered to her as "redeemable" and me "a distraction".

The system rewards adultery. Period.

Oh and just a single yes or no to MY question Fred.

Did you win or lose?

Yes.

I lost everything. You got your house, the car (heck you even got the satisfaction of having it repoed), your retirement and yet y'all have a problem with me being angry and bitter.

She even killed my finches and nothing happend, I didn't even get any sort of compensation over it other than being told to suck it up.

Those of you who won at least half, consider yourself coming out on the winning side.

I got my freedom with a huge helping of debt.

I forgot to mention that I have been shanghaied into states evidence by the GBI for CRCT cheating at the school system where I used to work. You wanna case of nerves? Have some large dude in a freaking black trench coat show at your work and give you an "interview" in the conference room after everyone sees his badge.

Pariah,
I understand your bitterness, I really do. I have been screwed over in the past, and I know there's not always justice in this world. But your bitterness hurts YOU, not her! It takes concerted effort and positive focus to overcome what others have done to us. If you don't want to be a victim, it's important to be an overcomer and survivor...and that requires not letting them have the power to change you negatively. OTHERWISE they win!

The judge should lose his job for what he did to you. I can understand your feeling victimized by the system on TOP of what your wife did to you. But I could tell you a bad story that may equal yours (mine from a long time ago)...the difference being I decided to move past it and not be held hostage by it. Life's too short! I sincerely wish you the best. And I understand why you're here...you aren't here because you recently selected this place for compatible beliefs...you were already here from from a long time ago and made a lot of friends here when you were going through it...this was your support system, and so you are still here. I'm sorry your church did what they did to you. I could tell you my story from years ago...I went through some similar stuff and had similar response from society...no protection, no supportiveness, no help...but I really wouldn't see the point in dredging it up. Just know you are not the only one who's been screwed. I'm just glad I've moved on from it...I may have gotten the shaft again, but I also have had some good experiences I wouldn't have had if I had hung it all up then! I met and married and enjoyed a few years with my late husband before he passed away...and for the rest of my life I have memories of having enjoyed a wonderful love...and that, no one can take away from me.

Pariah, have you ever sought counseling? Allowing resentment in your life to this degree is like swallowing a poison pill and then expecting the other person to die.

To be less metaphorical: it's killing you, man - and doesn't hurt your ex one bit.

A (GOOD) counselor can help you sort out these feelings and help you set yourself free from the bondage of feeling so angry over things you can't change.

I don't blame you for having these feelings. Heck, all BS's have them at many points. But you're so far out from your D, that essentially you're allowing her to live, rent-free, in your mind. Don't let her do that to you! You're better than that, and you're better than her.

Who is going to pay for this counselor? Wait, if I had the money that my exwife stole from me I could afford it as my health insurance sure won't cover it. Heck, I'd feel so much better I wouldn't need any counseling. I tried going to a counselor and it cost my my teaching career because the "counselor" blabbed to my supervisor and I got sent to a witch hunt. I got a clean slate, but I felt violated so it was time to move on from that job and moved away.

Church counselor? Where do I start? The church blames the victim while defending the adulterer. Been there done that. The church is an outdated, corrupt institution that eats it's wounded.

At least I can pay the school system back with being the witness in the cheating scandal investigation. They wanted a witch hunt, they sure got one now. The ex-super is going to get federal time and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Pariah, I feel sorry for you. I really do. I know you want justice but I don't know how that can happen.

I can tell you one thing: The solution to being raging mad at one person and unable to take it out on them is NOT to hook up with somebody else and take your anger out on them. That sure it what it looks like from here. Why else would you be with this person??

What do you think would make you feel better? I'm not talking about revenge fantasies. I mean, *in the real world* - what you give you even a small sense of justice and ease some of your anger?

You are boiling in a sea of rage and bitterness. Nobody can live like that for long. I'm not saying "just get over it" - I'm asking, what you make *you* feel even the smallest bit better so *you* can have a decent life for *yourself*?

Which is EXACTLY what you want her to do about her Mother's diagnosis of cancer.



You care more about the loss of your finches than you do about your GF's mother having cancer. Yep, your thread title couldn't be more accurate.

You are a character out of one of those LMN movies.

I shudder when I I think about your GF not truly comprehending the type of person that you are.

committed

Adding a thought..is this the reason that you date her...because she is so brain damaged that she will NEVER really comprehend the real you? Afterall, a woman with no dramatic traumatic (guess it goes to show that I am not "perfect". Anyone can make a typo..) brain injury would be able to see the REAL you...and would jettison your [censored].

Pariah,
Recently you told us you got a raise...spend it on a GOOD counselor. Your previous counselor broke confidentiality laws and you had grounds to sue them. Heck, sounds like you have grounds to sue almost everybody! All I'm saying is, if you don't learn how to let some of this stuff go and move on from it, you're destroying yourself...not her, not the church, not the former job, not your former counselor, you're destroying YOU! Do this for yourself! It's as important as food and water and the air you breathe, it's your own peace of mind and mental well being we're talking about.
Your old church isn't one I'd want to be in anyway...count yourself fortunate to have found that out and find a NEW one, a much better one! Pariah, I have been through all of this. I barely escaped with my life from my first marriage...he cheated on me, beat on me, threatened to kill me...and you know what? My church sent me a letter the day after I left him (I was literally in hiding for my life) asking for a letter of resignation. I promptly obliged them. The law didn't help me...he broke the restraining order I got and they wouldn't even do anything about it. I had the most expensive lawyer in town and it landed me nothing. I literally didn't get away from him until I was willing to risk my life than live like that any more. I could have been the next day's headlines, so yes, I do know what you're talking about, I got the clothes on my back and the bills. But you know what? I moved on from it. He doesn't consume my life, he doesn't paralyze me...he's not worth it. Neither are they (the church, the ineffectual DA, attorneys, police, etc.). There were no women's shelters in that day, and police...someone called them once, probably a neighbor, and they came out and asked me what I did to deserve that (beatings). Farrah Fawcett in the Burning Bed brought back so many memories...but you know what? Not any more! I am strong, I am a survivor, I CHOOSE to live life as I believe I ought to, I CHOOSE to be positive, I CHOOSE to be happy! And I CHOOSE to believe something good is in store, even if it means I live alone the rest of my life! It's okay! You have to deal with your baggage before you're ready to be a partner to anyone else. You and this other woman are in a bad cycle together...neither one doing the other any good. You resent her...she doesn't need that. She has serious issues...you don't need that. Work on inner healing, make that your goal, so you can be happy and at peace with yourself and your life...it will look much brighter from that perspective.

You are a walking time bomb with all of your anger. I'm not saying you aren't justified in having anger, just that it needs dealt with and NOW!

Mulan is right on.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I gave it to you straight anyway because I know you've suffered and quite frankly, I think you deserve a whole lot better for your future! My best wishes for you...

It's not dramatic brain injury, it's TRAUMATIC brain injury, but it was from a stroke, not trauma.

Well, I guess she would be justified if she "jettisoned my [censored]". She has nowhere to go and no means to support herself. I'm not mean to her. I just don't care that her mom has cancer. I am irritated she folded up, failed to notify that she didn't pay the bills and wouldn't move from the sofa until I forced her to go down to the unemployment office to find out what was going on. I act like I care to her. She wants for nothing, but I NEED her to keep her priorities straight.

I paid for her to go and stay with her mother for her surgery, I wouldn't deny her that as it means so much to her. She brought me back a pobiy sandwich in gratitude.

Tabs didn't kill my finches, my ex wife did.


The real me isn't very nice anymore. That person is long gone.

I am trying to fugure out what is wrong with me. Don't worry committed, I wouldn't want a "perfect" woman like you either. I had one of those and she was just as morally superior.

KC, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing, I don't feel so alone.

Many days I AM happy. When I am with my owls or whe Tabs and I go do something together. I get angry when the taxes I still owe come due from XW r@ping my retirement.

Tabs made us reservations at the winery for Valentines Day brunch. It makes her happy to go and do those things and I enjoy the winery. It's expensive, but it makes her happy and she feels special when we go there. She made sure to emphasize we would be alone. She has a good heart and I admire that about her. She doesn't have an angry bone in her body.

I just wish she was a bit more motivated on things that she deems tedious. What she considers problems, I can throw money at, what I consider problems, she can throw effort at. I just need her to take the initiative so I don't have to worry.

My retirement back and the money I paid for the house she stole from me.

Ummm..... I find that hard to believe.... was he/she a LICENSED counselor? Confidentiality is a mandate for them unless you're making plans to hurt yourself or others... so if that's true and the counselor disclosed personal details about you to an outside party, you would have one hell of a lawsuit against them.


Fixed that for you. Pariah, I'm sorry that your church did that do you. But, although I am not a Christian, I have been to a few churches with some of my friends that would NEVER have done that to anyone. And although I have seen my share of hypocrisy in Christians, there are some churches who practice what they preach. By the way, the longer you stay bitter, angry, and consumed with self-pity, the more they have won. Fight back by getting back up on your feet, dusting yourself off, and walking tall.

OR...... stay bitter, angry, and grow old knowing that they beat you.

You're better than that, Pariah.

KC, you are truly the definition of a hero (heroine?) I can't speak for Pariah, but you just inspired ME to continue to strive to shed any remnants of my "victimhood" and to try to walk strong no matter what this messed-up world may throw at me.

God bless!

KC: ditto what Arpeggi said. Thank you!

I want to make one point to everyone else viewing or responding to this thread:

Please don't discount what Pariah is saying. These horrible unjust things DO happen! Licensed counselors sometimes blab. They shouldn't, but it has happened. And churches that should be there for the wounded, sometimes aren't. I have some horror stories I could tell you that you probably wouldn't believe either, but they are the truth nonetheless. The only thing that can be done about the counselor is sue them or move on. The only thing that can be done about the church is move on...realize that there are other churches that are a whole lot better. We cannot give up our faith in all humanity just because of SOME. But believe me, I understand where he is at. I no longer date because of what I've been through...I've had six major relationships and five of them ended badly...and no, I'm not difficult to live with. I'm beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and wise...I didn't deserve the ill treatment I've gotten. But I'd be the first to admit that in the past I've been naive and too trusting and had too big a heart. That's changed out of necessity and it's too bad. Live and learn, or so they say!

My real concern for Pariah is that he find a place that is better for him, that of the higher road of forgiveness, without which he will never overcome the injustices done to him and find true peace and happiness...my real desire for him.

Pariah,
I hope you have a good Valentine's Day and enjoy this special place you're going to. I don't think you're a bad person...I think you and your SO are very different people...perhaps you can bring some positive influences to each other and in so doing even balance each other a bit...you bring her back to reality and her bringing you a sense of humanity and compassion. In time, who knows what'll happen! But please try to let go of some of the anger and seek help with it as it's been all too long in coming.

Peace,
Kay

Jumping in here with another two cents of mine. Not asked for, but here they are, anyway:

Pariah, I've read your story. While I can't feel the pain, the loss and the anger you have, I understand them.

Many of us have had those same feelings. Maybe not to the same degree, but not every alcoholic has the same bottom, either.

Here's my solution to the Problem:

Live better.

By that, I mean I am not going to continually pick at the scab created by the wound my WxW inflicted on me. I lost a lot too, but I'm not in a contest to see whose loss was worse.

So I'm going to live better. My work is going to line my pockets better than the "job" I held trying to keep a "roof over my family." My health, which took a turn for the worse, and was one of the triggers my WxW pulled to find a "healthier" man (so she picked one who then had to have prostate surgery!), is mine to address, and I'm getting stronger and healthier every day.

And my relationships are better, too. I've started dating a "non-disordered" woman, and I enjoy her company. I'm not rushing into a relationship, and there is another woman who is also on my radar screen. Nice and easy. No disrespectful behavior, no dishonesty, no game playing.

By living better, I will resurface richer, healthier and saner than I was before this all went down and I found MB. And I don't mean richer and healthier in strictly the physical sense. I am getting to be a better man by living better.

We have choices. I choose to not pick at the scab, but to let it heal. It will likely leave a scar -- a scar to remind me of the pain I endured* -- but I don't have to keep picking at it, opening the wound over and over again and never healing.

The kind people here are giving you similar advice. The only difference between a rut and a grave is that there is a way out of a rut. Where do you want to be?


*One of the posters here has/had as a signature line something like the following: "Scars tell us where we've been, they don't tell us where we're going."

Pariah,

I was bitter and angry for 4 years, while trying to forgive at the same time. I was in a bad place.

All that resentment did was take away from my life, and those around me. A brick had to hit me upside the head to finally realize that my resentment had just kept creating more pain for me. A lot of pain for me. I was not in a healthy place for a healthy relationship, that's for sure.

I surrendered. I let it go. I had to. I had this moment of clarity that showed me how I was perpetuating my own pain with the negative side of the resentment looming in me. When I finally let go and forgave my husband, it was like a divine grace took over and filled me with compassion and love instead for all of us who have flaws. It was very freeing, and humbling. It changed me.

Now, I operate from a different place. The love that I had inside me before the anger consumed me, returned and I've been given a second chance at peace.

You're not ready until you're ready, but we're all here letting you know there's a way out.

I know that. You have told the story many times here on the forum. You show more care and concern for birds dying than you do your GF's mom being diagnosed with Cancer. That's just messed up.


I am far from perfect.

Crap happens to ALL of us. It isn't an exclusive club that you are it's only member.

Your degree of misery isn't worse than anyone's elses...and who the devil measures it anyway??? Maybe someone who likes having it surround them?

I think your bitterness is like an old comfortable coat to you. You wrap yourself in it and wave it around if you are having a bad day.

Just take your own advice and "BUCK UP".

committed

Pariah, have you looked into anger management or some kind divorce recovery group? It can't hurt and might help, and groups are usually not very expensive.

Not true.
A not-nice person would not care for animals as much as you do.
This is a little lie you like to tell yourself.

BTW, I care not for the word "nice".
Let's substitute KIND or CARING instead, shall we?

Do you have the capacity for kindness and caring?
Yes, you do.

The real issue is why you avoid those "weaker" approaches towards people.




Opinion:

During the horror that was your evil exWW's adultery, cruelty, abuse and subsequent divorce, your one reliable tool that kept you alive was anger.
Anger kept you from killing yourself.

I think, even though I don't really know you, that you are afraid of what might happen if you let go of your anger.

You are afraid that the ensuing despair might kill you.

Tenderness does not equal weakness.
Anger does not equal strength.

What say you?

I love this. Can I use it in my sig line Pep?

Sure, Mopey.

:), Thanks.

I certainly understand. Is there anything at all you can realistically do to gain back even a part of that? Sounds like a lot of these folks are begging for lawsuits. Would it be worth it?

I think this is exactly right.

Wow, there is a lot of really good insight here...everyone's collective perspectives are very valuable! I hope Pariah is reading...

Pep, your wisdom is always spot on.

Pariah,

I just read your last comment to Pep, and might I say that I have chills because I am so happy that you heard Pep and agree.

Honestly, I am getting excited for you. I think that you're in so much pain and it's possible you're about to turn the corner here. Anyone who can have that much pain, also has the capacity to love just as much.

I won't be turning any corners anytime soon.

However I'm not the kind of person to go and do something stupid like a certain member did.

Hey if it's the stupid dept. you're talking about, you must be talking about me! I've done my share of stupid...

To whom and what do you vaguely refer?

There was a BH on here a few years back who basically went bat snot crazy and beat the ever lovin' heck out of his WW's OM. Story made the papers and member was banned from this site. I'm pretty sure that's who he's referring to.

Gee, I can barely contain my sympathy for that poor OM.

I think the OM got fired from his job because of that BH too.

I do understand what the BH went through, but I feel like his WW was setting him up to kill OM or get sent to jail on assault charges so she would be rid of them both.

All I tried to do was extort money out of OM, but he was so smug that I got him recorded saying his family wasn't worth a single cent. At least his BW got to hear that over and over when I played it for her.

I'm sure... but it's not about sympathy for the OM who deserved everything he had coming to him including the beating and losing his job (forgot about that). I wonder if the BH thinks it's worth it now that it's said and done and he likely has a criminal record. Bruises are depressingly temporary in nature; losing custody of your kids and wrecking your career because you felt the need to beat the snot out of your wife's ex lover in public has much longer lasting ramifications. Choices, choices... Shrug.

I have a "soft spot" for you because you remind me of my son.
Except, you listen to me. LOL