Marriage Builders
Posted By: SingleAndHappy Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 02:59 AM
I am sure this topic has been posted before but I would love to hear stories about it.

eharmony - I joined for a while but only once was I matched with someone that I felt compatible with. We dated for a few months but in the long run, we weren't that compatible.

match.com - I have looked at it and it looks like a bar scene with everybody hitting on everbody they see.

fishinthesea.com - Is it just me, or can people put down the can of Busch-Lite before they take their profile picture???

Has anyone had any luck meeting people online?
Posted By: AGoodGuy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 03:09 AM
My experience:

Match.com - meatmarket. Lots of options, but also I sensed the "kid in the candy store" mentality from many of the ladies (not saying men aren't the same, I just happened to be looking for women smile ).

JDate - too much of what I don't like in women of my religion (materialism). Sorry, no offense meant.

Eharmony - when I first joined they did not show photos until you got to like third or fourth stage of communication, so that you can "fall in love for the right reasons". OK, I guess they never read Harley's concept of Attractive Spouse as an EN. Then I met a couple of women who seemed nothing like my type, so I am not sure why they matched me up with them. A couple of years later I got a decent match, we dated for a year but had too many insurmountable differences. A couple more matches later then sent me J's profile, whom I promptly addressed by a wrong name when writing to her. I guess it had the right effect, we got married two years later.

Based on my experience, I would give eharmony a shot. And by that I mean sign up for the whole year and really give it a chance, like they ask you to do. It's quite an investment of time and energy and money, but the "matching" system also makes it more manageable, since you are not bombarded with thousands of people screaming "Pick me!! Pick me!!"

AGG
Posted By: SableVenus57 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 04:07 AM
ROFL!!!! I went online met a lovely widoer man with 3 kids. I love dhim so much but I was not what he wanted in a mate besides the loving his kids, cooking, being so wifey, trying to spoil him. I could not be the deceased wife, and his kids would not bond with me,but still loved him madly UNTIL he got a few girlfriends in the marriage. I refuse to share my husband with other woman. But I will try again evedntually I like to be part of a team.

However has anyone tried a old fashion matchmaker for finding the love of their life?

Sable Venuse
Posted By: nesre Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 05:41 AM
Originally Posted by BHINWI
I am sure this topic has been posted before but I would love to hear stories about it.

eharmony - I joined for a while but only once was I matched with someone that I felt compatible with. We dated for a few months but in the long run, we weren't that compatible.

match.com - I have looked at it and it looks like a bar scene with everybody hitting on everbody they see.

fishinthesea.com - Is it just me, or can people put down the can of Busch-Lite before they take their profile picture???

Has anyone had any luck meeting people online?


BHINWI

Yes. And very happpy.

Met Ruby in August 2011 on ChristianMingle.com. Still moving together slowly at this point.

Not all the glitz, glamour, bells and whistles like the sites you mentioned in your post.

Enough info provided yet not over the top to find the relationship that I was looking for.

You can join for free and check it out. To communicate though (through them) you have to pay but it was very affordable.

nESRE
Posted By: prissanna Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 04:06 PM
I have a MAJOR fear of dating sites. I know some ppl find mates and have GREAT luck with them but as in the real dating world, how the heck would you know you are not getting a whack job? I knew my ex from the time I was 13 years old and I didn't know I had a whack job until many years into the marriage. There are just too many scary aspects to online dating IMO. Like I said before, please Lord, drop the RIGHT person in my lap.
Posted By: AGoodGuy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 04:17 PM
Originally Posted by prissanna
how the heck would you know you are not getting a whack job? I knew my ex from the time I was 13 years old and I didn't know I had a whack job until many years into the marriage.

You answered your own question prissanna smile. You don't know if you are getting a whack job online any more than you don't know if you are getting one in real life. I met some whackos online, but I also met whackos through work and through relatives, so online dating does not have exclusivity rights to whackos.

You just need to be careful with your screening. In some ways, you can screen better through e-mails and phone chats than you can with a "friend of a friend" where you often end up meeting before you know anything about the person.

Just be careful and selective smile.

AGG
Posted By: SingleAndHappy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 05:48 PM
Originally Posted by prissanna
I knew my ex from the time I was 13 years old and I didn't know I had a whack job until many years into the marriage.

Yes, but you are much wiser now then when you were 13. smile

I think online dating is safe but I would suggest never meeting a person anywhere but a public place. And I would take it very slow...
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 05:57 PM
Originally Posted by SableVenus57
However has anyone tried a old fashion matchmaker for finding the love of their life?

Sable Venuse

My dh and I were introduced by friends. Friends who were nervous about being involved in the matchmaking business...but they had given each of us some serious thought as to the kind of person they thought we wanted and needed...they have another single friend but they both said they immediately rejected him as a possibility for me.
Posted By: prissanna Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 07:55 PM
Originally Posted by BHINWI
Originally Posted by prissanna
I knew my ex from the time I was 13 years old and I didn't know I had a whack job until many years into the marriage.

Yes, but you are much wiser now then when you were 13. smile

Are your sure about that? rotflmao
Posted By: Greengables Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 09:50 PM
I met Mike on Match.

Eharmony is great if you are in a highly populated area. Otherwise, you need one of the meat markets. There just aren't enough people in a rural area, so you get sent matches from two hours away. That's too far for most people to build a relationship, especially if one or both can't move.

I actually did It's Just Loosers. I mean, I'ts Just Lunch. It's expensive, and they claim they hand pick. They do NOT. Not only taht, they don't show photos before hand. Now, tell me, what red-blooded man who can afford a personal dating service is willing to go out sight unseen? Men are visual creatures in general. IJL is for the desperate.

Prissanna, the way I approach all dating is to assume the men are really nice, really smart, and probably whack jobs. But even the whack jobs, like Frenchy-Moroccan dude from Labor Day contribute something. In this case a good story and decreased appetite.

Most men aren't dangerous, and I think most of the dangerous ones can be eliminated by getting their vital information and meeting in public places until you are comfortable. The other type are the scam artists, but these are also weeded out rather quickly. Their profiles look too good to be true, they write like cheap romance writers, and their photos look like them came from a men's wear catalog.

One thing that Match and other sites are good for is Practice! Most dates don't end in marriage. So, I think it's a good idea to get some practice in with anyone who has potential, keeping in mind there's only a 1 in 4 chance you'll keep dating.

Then, when the Good Lord does drop him in your lap, you're prepared.

Another thought: Sometimes, it's not about us. Sometimes, God places people in our path, not for us, but for them. We don't know, but it's all worked to His ends.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/16/12 10:35 PM
Match.com is brilliant because it allows you to explore possibilities you would never have otherwise thought of. I definitely recommend it and have tons of older friends who have paired off that way.

Take great care with your profile, make sure the photo is honest but flattering. Write amusingly and be subtle. For instance you don't want to say 'I have a lot of money' but you can put in breadcrumbs that will be picked up by the right person, probably someone in a similar situation.

Don't sit back and see what responses you get, be proactive. Filter for something you enjoy like 'sailing' and see what hits you get. When you find someone whose profile you like, write a very carefully thought out email to them about yourself.

Don't be discouraged by the nutcases. Remember that the virtual world does not allow the filtration system that your eyes use.

Email for at least a week or two before you agree to meet.

Meet in a public place and keep the commitment short (coffee not dinner).

Most of all, remember that people tell us most about themselves the very first time we meet them. Look for the subtle clues, they will tell you everything if you let them.
Posted By: Brits_Brat Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/17/12 12:23 AM
I met my husband on Match 2 years ago....we were married on December 10 and couldn't be happier!!!
Posted By: FishOnTheLine Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/21/12 04:11 PM
I've done Match, eH and PoF. PoF is a good place to start, since it's free if you don't opt for the bells and whistles (yet, it's still functional). Just like walking into a bar, restaurant or any other public place, there are going to be crazies (and I've met my share of those). If you go slowly and use your head, it seems safe enough and you can meet some great people.

Match was probably my favorite of the three, FWIW.
Posted By: daybreak Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/24/12 10:26 PM
Hi! It's been a while since I have been here, but was scanning through today while in detention and this one caught my attention!

I did do the online dating thing, meet some nice guys. Wasn't looking for a spouse, but looking for someone to spend sometime with, to do things with.

The man that I am engaged to meet my friend online and they dated for a month or 2 and didn't work out. A little more then a year later, we re-connected and hit it off, I hadn't really considered him before as my friend was dating him and I someone else. So in a round about way, we meet online!!!!!

I always kept my standards high, and wouldn't accept anything less.

Just thought that I would share.

Dawn
Posted By: AGoodGuy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/25/12 12:38 AM
Originally Posted by daybreak
The man that I am engaged to

Hi Dawn,

Don't want to TJ this thread, but I can't let you slip this past us smile. Congratulations! And how about some more details??

AGG
Posted By: Greengables Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/25/12 01:56 AM
Congrats,Dawn!
Posted By: emilyann Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/25/12 02:55 PM
I met my husband on eHarmony, after 3 years of using the service. We were both 50+ when we met. We do live in a sparsely populated area of the country, and lived several hours apart. I think its wonderful that eHarmony allowed us to meet when our paths never would've crossed otherwise.

I did meet a few guys through eHarmony where I thought, "how could I possibly match up with him?", and I few where I was interested but they weren't, but I'm glad I hung in there. My husband had just started using it when we met.... I'm glad I met him quickly or surely another woman would have snatched him right up!

eHarmony did allow us to share pictures right away, which I preferred, since I didn't want to spend time corresponding with anyone who wouldn't be interested in me based on appearance. I did learn it was best to email, phone for a few weeks, but to meet in person fairly quickly. I think it's possible to build up an idea of a person you know virtually that does not correspond to reality. Best not to let that fantasy build.

I didn't want to do match.com, since I know lots of folks, married or not, who enjoy looking to see who's on match, and I felt I could be more honest in my profile if I knew my co-workers would not be teasing me about it.

So, I am a big fan of eHarmony and patience.
Posted By: SingleAndHappy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 03/03/12 02:04 PM
Originally Posted by emilyann
I met my husband on eHarmony, after 3 years of using the service.

A nice story. Glad it worked out.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/07/12 09:29 PM
Well I placed an ad on match and christianmingle after divorce.
I didn't pay and decided I didn't want to date anyway.

I kept getting promotional emails and ignored them. I deleted them.
Then Christian mingle said I had interested women. And I looked and it was a woman from my bible study!
Someone I had no interest in!
So a warning! CM matches by your church. Plus I don't mean to sound superficial but most of the women on CM appeared very unhealthy versus the matches I got on match.com.

I deleted my profile. So think carefully before you sign up for online dating sites!
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/07/12 10:04 PM
None of the dating sites will match you intelligently but with a little work they can be a great tool. Throw away any suggestions they make.

Their greatest value is in helping you think outside the box.

I come from a very unusual background, there are very few of us around. To make matters worse, I live overseas and so my friends could not easily introduce me to someone suitable. I always assumed that I would never find anyone unless I went home leaving my two adult daughters behind, massive dilemma.

Then I hit on the idea of using the keyword searches on Match. Subtle stuff, took me a few weeks to get it right and then bingo. I hit the jackpot. I'm not sure which of us was the more astonished. Total needle in a haystack. We are still laughing.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/08/12 02:01 PM
l_w, I had no idea, good for you!
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/08/12 02:47 PM
Still can't believe it really happened :-)
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/09/12 03:25 PM
Did match for a few months and overall the experience was positive. Even seeing/hearing the nuts was a plus...of what was out there and what to stay away from lol.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/12/13 02:14 PM
Here is an interesting article.
One out of six marriages last year originated online.

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/10-things-dating-sites-wont-tell-you-2013-02-08
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/12/13 06:27 PM
My first match.com date was with a guy who was a real winner - 1) I googled his name after our date and found he had a record for check fraud, and 2) I googled his cell phone number and saw him listed on a dominatrix' website - blacklisted because he failed to pay for her services. Ew....

After that I deleted my account for a while, felt hopeless, then decided to reactivate. And then I met the man I spent the next 3+ years with. Unfortunately, it came to a point where we had to realize we just didn't want the same thing out of life - I wanted marriage and kids, and he did not. Overall though the experience was a positive one!
Posted By: KTBnice Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/20/13 01:04 AM
Used POF. Some of the men there seem rather nice, however there is one that kept wanting to "chat" when I was only logged on to check a profile they sent. I think I can turn the chat off, but have not done it yet.

I also logged on for a site for older people. You'd think people there would be more mature, but it did not seem like the conversation was. I was bored, so when a man asked to private message me (with cam), I said fine since he seemed okay up to that point. He was nice enough, we talked a bit, then he started in with all the compliments and how great I was, etc. Cut short to the end, he asked me if I could wear something low cut next evening...

Needless to say I didn't show up.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/20/13 06:38 PM
An article from Catholic Answers on online dating:

http://www.catholic.com/blog/michelle-arnold/matchmaking-unplugged
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/20/13 07:40 PM
I don't buy her arguments at all. She clearly never actually tried on-line dating before writing the article. The truth is that for some types of people this is really the only way they will meet potential partners.
Posted By: KTBnice Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/20/13 08:00 PM
Meetup is a good place to meet people. Activities for almost everyone with any kind of hobby, assuming your town is big enough. Most of the groups are not high-pressure singles, but more hobby oriented.
Posted By: KTBnice Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/20/13 08:02 PM
PS. If you are going to meet with someone off an online dating site, you can always arrange to meet them somewhere that your meetup group is going, so you won't necessarily be alone. ;-)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/01/13 09:02 PM
About 2 weeks ago, I created a profile and posted 2 pics on plenty of fish.
I also installed their app on my phone.
Unfortunately, I have sent messages to about 25 women and not a single response! (Except for one response - which didn't result in a date).

My message is typically this:

"Hi, I read your profile and like yourself I also like blah blah blah.
I would like to meet you for coffee, perhaps at a local starbucks or something similar if you are interested.
Please let me know.

Thanks

Jedi

________________________________________________

Does my message appear poorly?
Why am I not getting any responses.
I know they read my message because they are looking at my profile (the website tells me who views my profile)

Any suggestions?
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/01/13 09:47 PM
Jedi - Two pictures isn't very many - what kinds of photos are they? Are you smiling, having fun? Can you see your face clearly?

Is your profile short, or did you take the time to write a quality profile that brings out your personality and what kind of woman you're looking for?

Also - maybe all women aren't like this, I don't speak for all of us - but I am turned off when a man's first message to me (I'm also on POF) is "Hi, do you want to meet" - because I still don't know enough about him to know if I want to meet him in person. I need to have a few email exchanges first, to get a feel for their personality beyond what the profile says.
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/01/13 10:50 PM
JustMe is right. I'm also on POF, Match, Eharmony and Zoosk. Any man that wants to meet me right away....BIG red flag. I also look for pics that are happy and fun. They must be clear to see and not tiny. I don't want to read a book, but a profile must be decent length to let me know a bit about a person. Chat or email exchanges for a few days, then move to texting/phone calls. Meet in 2 weeks if things seem to be going well. smile
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/02/13 04:05 AM
Here is my profile. What do you think?

Hello,
I am a healthy, intelligent man looking to date others who have a love of life.
I live a life of physical, mental and spiritual health.

Physically, I am very healthy. I have a healthy diet of wholesome foods and fresh vegetable juices from my garden. I exercise, including distance running (Marathon runner).

Mentally, I read current news events and articles (favorite newspaper is the Wall Street Journal), I like to read everything from novels like Atlas Shrugged and The Carpetbaggers to non-fiction biography of Kublai Khan.

Spiritually, I am a Christian and accept the 10 Commandments as a premise to live by. I attend church services weekly and am very interested in Church history.

I also have a passion for food. I love to cook.

Currently Im looking to date. However I am relationship/ marriage oriented. In relationships, I believe that neither party should be expected to make sacrifices for the other. I believe in mutually pleasant outcomes and goals. (as described in the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley)
I am a single father with custody of my children.
Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/02/13 10:54 AM
Hi Jedi.

As for any written text:
- Get rid of examples and titles. (Wallstr Journal, Kublai)
- Avoid the use of "I AM", "I HAVE", "I WANT".
- Never use "I" at the beginning of your personal description.

Why not start with... My friends suggested..." or "Now the sky has cleared I am ready..." or "My kids are..."

- You are not giving enough information about yourself or what you want from the other person!
Ofcourse you are a healthy intelligent man looking to date others. So is everyone else on a dating site...

be more specific:

Do you want to hit it off fast or slow?
Are you looking for serious dating straight away or would you just like to meet a lot of people for a coffee first?

- Your most attractive traits are at the bottom of your text and you did not highlight them! Move them to the TOP somehow.

e.g.
You are a HAPPY and PROUD father with full custody of 2 BEAUTIFUL daughters.

You are PASSIONATE about food & LOVE to cook and experiment in the kitchen.

- Get rid of the "I BELIEVE", save those for the date.

:-)
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/02/13 02:07 PM
We all know dating is an interview for marriage, but your profile shouldn't sound like a resume. Have fun with it -
You have a passion for food and love to cook! You love to garden and you make a mean [insert the name of your specialty dish here].

You have two amazing kids and on the weekends you'll be found hiking/camping/playing boardgames.

What kind of woman are you looking for? She must like children, of course. Would you like to meet someone who values a healthy lifestyle, someone you can go for a long run with on a Sunday morning? Someone who is outdoorsy and won't freak out at the site of a bug? Maybe she doesn't need to cook as well as you do, but she has to be willing to try new foods and perhaps be a good sous chef?

I hope you see where I'm going (and GM gave you really good pointers too) - you want your profile to stand out. Be yourself, but remember that there are hundreds of men to choose from on these sites so you want women to see how awesome you are. Also think about the profiles of the women you are drawn to - what was it about them that made you want to send them a message?

I agree to remove the line about I believe in mutually pleasant outcomes. Instead, maybe talk about how you are in a romantic relationship. Do you look forward to evenings where you can unwind with your sweetheart and a glass of wine, talk about her day and yours? A long walk after dinner with the kids and the dog? Catching up on the DVR?



Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/02/13 08:48 PM
I would phrase it as an invitation to join you on life's adventure.

"Christian health nut seeks same for life adventure..."

Ok, maybe not nut. But make it sound fun and interesting.

Invite someone to run a 5K with you. I know you run further, but start there.

Let's assume there is some sort of Zombie Run on 10/26 in your

The Zombies are coming on 10/26. If you want to live, train with me now...

Healthy Christian male looking for healthy Christian female to survive the Zombie apocalypse as well as any other adventures life throws our way...

=============

Action dates are fun and you can go through your checklist of must/must-not haves during the dating process.

Make it fun is my suggestion. Save all the serious stuff for the dates.

It's better to attract more candidates than you know what to do with than to have such a rigid ad that you get few takers.



Posted By: Anonymous93 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/14/13 04:08 AM
I like those ideas for jedi. Much more fun and attention grabbing than what's there.

I was just wondering how long I should expect to chat/email a guy before a date happens. Seems the consensus is about two weeks or so. Guess ill wait a little longer and see what happens.

I'm glad I found this thread!
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/15/13 02:25 PM
Anon,
A week or 2 does seem like the average, although I've talked to some who within a few days suggested meeting up.

Are you waiting for him to ask you? Are you comfortable making that move first?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/18/13 03:05 AM
Okay how about this as a profile:

HEALTHY CHRISTIAN MALE SEEKS HEALTHY CHRISTIAN FEMALE TO SURVIVE THE HALLOWEEN HALF MARATHON WITH!

The Race in Brookville is coming up soon! Are you ready? If not lets train together!

I'm 35, divorced and a happy proud father of a handsome boy and two beautiful girls of which I have full custody.

The weekends will usually find us hiking, geocaching or playing card games with friends.

I am passionate about foods! Fresh tomatoes and cucumbers from the garden taste delicious!

Do you enjoy the outdoors?
Are you passionate about life?
Do you like to spend your evenings winding down with a cup of wine and sharing your day with your sweetheart?


If so....then maybe we could share our adventures with each other over a cup of coffee...or while on a run together.




Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/18/13 06:12 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Okay how about this as a profile:

HEALTHY CHRISTIAN MALE SEEKS HEALTHY CHRISTIAN FEMALE TO SURVIVE THE HALLOWEEN HALF MARATHON WITH!

The Race in Brookville is coming up soon! Are you ready? If not lets train together!

I'm 35, divorced and a happy proud father of a handsome boy and two beautiful girls of which I have full custody.

The weekends will usually find us hiking, geocaching or playing card games with friends.

I am passionate about foods! Fresh tomatoes and cucumbers from the garden taste delicious!

Do you enjoy the outdoors?
Are you passionate about life?
Do you like to spend your evenings winding down with a cup of wine and sharing your day with your sweetheart?


If so....then maybe we could share our adventures with each other over a cup of coffee...or while on a run together.

So much better Jedi! The only thing I would maybe consider is using "ACTIVE CHRISTIAN MALE" vs. healthy, but then later in your profile mention that you like leading a healthy lifestyle and hope to find a partner who does the same. (Maybe you can add it after the sentence "The weekends will usually find us ..."

But you certainly don't really need to change it if you don't want to, I think this profile is much more engaging.

And good luck with the Halloween 1/2!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/18/13 06:59 PM
okay I'll post it today!
Posted By: Anonymous93 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/13 03:33 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
Anon,
A week or 2 does seem like the average, although I've talked to some who within a few days suggested meeting up.

Are you waiting for him to ask you? Are you comfortable making that move first?


Both. I was waiting, then got a little impatient and suggested it. There were 2 guys. Neither of them went forward with it, so I dropped it. One of them has now said hed like to meet me, so I'll have to wait and see what happens.

Guess ill just have to learn to be a little more patient. smile
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/13 04:28 PM
I know they say that men like it when women make the first move, but I kind of think that's not true.

I know I prefer to be the one pursued, not the pursuer - maybe I'm just more traditional/old-fashioned with gender roles.

Also it's so much easier to sit back and let them come to you instead of making the first move and then ... silence!
Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/13 10:46 PM
It's not because you make the first move as a woman, you have to be the pursuer from that moment on. ;-)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/03/13 12:37 PM
So far, I have been contacte by two married "separated" women on POF.
I told each "I don't date married/separated women" and ignored them.
So far no luck on getting a date on POF.

I used eharmony free communicate day last Friday and a woman communicated with me back and forth but I lost her email when the free weekend ended
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/04/13 04:49 PM
I have had no luck on either site. I am a paid member as well. frown
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/04/13 08:47 PM
Try to be open minded, and don't give up. She's out there somewhere. I've recently started dating someone I met on POF. It's been 2 weeks and I'm really enjoying getting to know him. Initially when I received his message I wasn't sure if I should respond because he wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'm very glad I was open-minded about it because he proves me wrong every time I speak to or see him.

Just for the heck of it, here is what my profile says. I got a LOT of responses and I could tell that people actually did read my profile based on the messages I received (completely negating my theory that men don't read profiles). Point is that people respond well to light, playful, funny profiles.

Headline:

*****edit*****
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/04/13 09:22 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
So far, I have been contacte by two married "separated" women on POF.
I told each "I don't date married/separated women" and ignored them.
So far no luck on getting a date on POF.

I used eharmony free communicate day last Friday and a woman communicated with me back and forth but I lost her email when the free weekend ended


Data mining is the answer. You are going to have to be pro-active. Start by thinking of key words that would be found in the profile of someone you could be interested in (running, cooking, church) and search for profiles with all of those together.

Read the results carefully especially between the lines :-) Keep your responses light hearted and amusing. You want this to be fun.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/06/13 03:29 AM
That's a good profile justme.
I will post some of my exchanges for feedback
Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/06/13 07:37 AM
Wow JustMe, I've never seen a profile like that on a datingsite!!!

I would definitly send you a message...
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/06/13 02:58 PM
Ha ha, thanks!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/06/13 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
.

Just for the heck of it, here is what my profile says. I got a LOT of responses and I could tell that people actually did read my profile based on the messages I received (completely negating my theory that men don't read profiles). Point is that people respond well to light, playful, funny profiles.

Headline:

******edit*******


This is amazing JM! So descriptive and funny.

I really wish I had put in something about 'no marrieds or separated people'. It would have cut down the tonnes of waywayds who did contact me, in spite of me trying to block them on settings.

It also gives a message out about your values. One of the reasons I wanted to go on a date with my now-boyfriend was because he had done what you did - his profile said 'no married people please'.
Posted By: alis Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/17/13 05:09 PM
We met on Lavalife in 2007.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/06/13 01:53 AM
Well I have not had a single date from Plenty of Fish.
I obviously suck at getting a date.
But I watched The Fountainhead recently and was struck by something Howard Roark said: he waited years for Dominique to come to him.
He said he knew she would come because she would be attracted to him because of his values.
John Galt said that he knew Dagny Taggart would folow him into the subway for the same reasons.

Should I perhaps write off online dating and wait for the women to flock to me due to natural attraction?
Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/06/13 07:49 AM
Hi Jedi,

If you are compatible, meet a woman's emotional needs and take a step back from her, she will come to you! I think that is what the quote is reffering too... A man that is needy or to eager to please is a big turn-off to women.

Believe me:
There are NO women who will flock to you out of thin air, because of the values you have. You will have to date women to get your values across first, in person!

If this internet dating thing is getting to you because of rejection, take a step back.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/09/13 02:54 PM
Jedi,

I'm sorry to hear that online dating hasn't been a success for you. I wonder if part of that is because on some deeper level, you are not ready. It seems like the way the world works, is that when the time is right it'll happen, some how some way, and when it does happen it's easy and natural and it all falls into place.

When I was on POF, I would frequently "hide" my profile and take a break for a week or so at a time because it was getting so frustrating. I was trying too hard. I was being too picky and I had this image in my head of what I thought I was looking for. It wasn't until I took a step back and changed my attitude that I met the wonderful man I'm dating now.

So take a break. Concentrate on doing things that make you happy. Don't look at every woman as a potential date, but learn to talk to them, be friendly. Women will pick up on it. If you feel inclined to go back on POF, do it but don't put so much pressure on yourself to find your wife there. Maybe she's waiting for you somewhere else.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/10/13 05:17 AM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
I'm 35, divorced and a happy proud father of a handsome boy and two beautiful girls of which I have full custody.

Jedi, I would remove the full custody part. That detail may scare a woman away for two reasons...1) You will have very little time for her and 2) Your ex must but a nutcase (it is rare for a mother to lose custody) so no thank you to that drama. I am not saying you shouldn't disclose the full custody part later but I would not advertise it from the get go.

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/10/13 05:26 AM
I will remove that detail. Thank you
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/12/13 02:16 PM
Jedi,

You and i are essentially in the same position (mid thirties, three kids, majority custody, etc). I am having a ton of success on OKCupid. First, I suggest you try there in addition to POF. I like your profile so I don't think that is the issue. If you don't mind getting into details, what does your first email to a woman generally look like? How many new women are you trying to contact per day? There's a method to this online dating thing and i think if you tune what you're currently doing you'll have a ton of success.

Travis
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/20/13 07:15 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Well I have not had a single date from Plenty of Fish.
I obviously suck at getting a date.
But I watched The Fountainhead recently and was struck by something Howard Roark said: he waited years for Dominique to come to him.
He said he knew she would come because she would be attracted to him because of his values.
John Galt said that he knew Dagny Taggart would folow him into the subway for the same reasons.

Should I perhaps write off online dating and wait for the women to flock to me due to natural attraction?


Have you tried the 'Meet Me' feature? When I was on PoF I clicked on my now BF's picture and he clicked on mine.

Then we realised we liked each other's profiles.

It's an easy way to send out a bunch of admiration hits to attractive women and see if any comes back your way.

I've found admiration tends to be a great catalyst online.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/21/13 01:00 AM
Indie I have used the Meet Me. No response.
I have closed my profile and will reopen it after first getting feedback from others.
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/21/13 12:57 PM
I respond but then never hear back from the guys. *sigh* It's SO discouraging.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/21/13 03:49 PM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
I respond but then never hear back from the guys. *sigh* It's SO discouraging.


That happened to me for a little while until I realised I was using Match wrongly. People need to feel you have put some thought and effort into selecting them for contact. If you were to meet someone at a party, you would not just hand over your phone number without spending time talking to them first would you?

The secret is to mine the data really thoroughly and then carefully read the profile before contacting the person including reading between the lines. Spend time writing a really thoughtful, chatty note. Make sure the person knows you have read their profile by mentioning the connection(s). But keep everything light hearted and amusing just as you would at a party. You can just write about your day!

I come from a very unusual background and live in a foreign country and was able to find someone from the same background. Neither of us ever dreamed that would be possible. On line dating is amazing.
Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/21/13 06:32 PM
A few things about online dating:

1. many of the women have been on there for a while and they often get tons of attention - there is a school of thought that says they get addicted to it "cake eating?"
2. men have to work harder to get noticed - remember the men outnumber the women
3. Don't say you are worth their time - show them! Don't say "I'm funny" BE FUNNY!
4. Text is less important than pictures. Have at least three, make sure they are great pictures!
5. POF really is lower quality - free means no barriers to entry

I could quote sources but the mods would probably remove them.

Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/24/13 10:11 PM
I just had to weigh in on Online Dating. It's been a good way for me to meet men (just my experience). I use Match and I've gone out with 22 men in the past 6 months.

Now, this said, only one has been a viable candidate for me. However, it's been fun to meet lots of nice people and learn about myself & them. Here are my Top Stories:

1. The Felon - Handsome, charming, successful: BUT...when I did a background check, I found that he was on work release (that's weekend prison for people with jobs) for aggravated battery. When I confronted him about it via text, he said, "LOL."

2. The Abuser - Fun, successful, nice-looking: BUT...lost his temper driving - which scared the cr*p out of me - then told me his wife's injury that put her in ER after their fight wasn't "his fault." YIKES! (dated 2 weeks)

3. The Filmmaker - Fun, we really clicked, BUT...His "ex horror stories" were all about girlfriends being jealous of all his female friends, and their husbands' fears that he was having affairs with them. This, even AFTER his wife had an affair with a male 'friend.' (sigh) He had a few other qualities that made me uncomfortable. We dated 1.5 months then broke up.

4. 18 other, very nice men - just didn't feel any chemistry with them, so I told them nicely after our first date (usually coffee or a drink)

5. Dream Dude - we met in "real life" but he was younger than I, had never been married (I have 3 kiddos). Though we clicked, he said he wanted someone who hadn't already 'been there done that.' I was sad, but I totally understood. This was a total heartbreak for me! And why I prefer online dating: they can see RIGHT AWAY that I'm in my 40s & have 3 kids...in public, I often get mistaken for a younger woman and younger guys hit on me.

6. The Artist - we're just dating and having fun for now. I don't see him as having real long-term potential, but we enjoy each other's company and have common interests. (have been dating for 1 month now)

I'm pretty determined to wait til my youngest in in college before even considering marriage again (per Harley). Also, I think my love bank walls are very high, because of what I've been through (see my thread on MB101, if you're curious).

I do think it's a little easier for girls online: I just sit back and wait for guys to email me, "no thank you" the ones I'm not interested in, and write back to the ones I am. We typically meet within a week or two of correspondence, I like to keep it light and short (coffee, 45 minutes) - I would hate to waste a man's time/money if we don't 'click.'

Oh, essential for me is hiding my profile: I post it for 3-4 days, then get a bunch of emails - hide, meet the ones I'm interested in, stay hidden if I "click" with someone, etc. I only un-hide my profile if I'm 'single' again because it's overwhelming, otherwise.

My observation is that there aren't too many 'quality candidates' out there. Few of the men I've met understand MB principles (I don't specifically talk about them, but I ask questions & listen for their relationship philosophy/what went wrong before, etc). BUT...it's been interesting and fun, and I've actually made some 'male friends' - friends I'm sure I'll drop if I ever find "the One." smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/24/13 10:31 PM
Advice to Dudes Online (tongue-in-cheek):

Please don't wink at me. Send an email. I get so many winks I just ignore them.

Please have several photos of yourself and a thoughtfully-written profile. This tells me you put some effort into it.

Please read my profile. Only contact me if you feel we have something in common. I can't tell you how many men write to me because they think I'm 'pretty' and didn't bother to notice that I'm into clean-cut geeky dudes who are well-read and enjoy philosophy, art, world travel, etc. (You know who you are, ZZTop-bearded, overalls-wearing dudes who hate to read!)

Please don't use photos of yourself with your arms around other women or worse, with some model at the Playboy Mansion. (really??)

Please look at other men's profiles to get an idea of what they "all" do, then be different:
- "I'm laid back" - of course you are. Men generally are.
- "Here's me with a dead animal and a gun"
- "Here's me in front of my truck"
- "Here's me with my shirt off in the bathroom mirror"
- "I want a gorgeous, sexy woman who loves to watch sports and shoot-em-up movies while drinking beer" - good luck w. that.

This is your chance to SELL YOURSELF as a great romantic partner. You're an MB man, and you know that women need conversation, affection, family commitment, honesty, and financial security. Good women will fall all over men who offer this!

smile


Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/24/13 10:38 PM
Originally Posted by living_well
Spend time writing a really thoughtful, chatty note. Make sure the person knows you have read their profile by mentioning the connection(s). But keep everything light hearted and amusing just as you would at a party.

I totally agree, Living Well! I only respond to men who reference my profile in their email to me. And funny goes a LONG WAY - it means you're intelligent, fun, and confident.

Otherwise, I get the feeling they've said, "Hi, how's UR day?" to 40 other women, too. So I just send a polite, "no thank you" in reply.

I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/24/13 11:17 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for.


Yup, me too. I'm not on Match any more but, when I was, I called the hidden things my 'breadcrumbs'. One was a favourite place, another was in a story. It was a great way to tell the 'right' people important things without alerting anyone else so that I did not get trophy hunters.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/25/13 01:55 PM
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for.


Yup, me too. I'm not on Match any more but, when I was, I called the hidden things my 'breadcrumbs'. One was a favourite place, another was in a story. It was a great way to tell the 'right' people important things without alerting anyone else so that I did not get trophy hunters.


"Trophy Hunters" - love it!!
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/25/13 03:20 PM
Glad things are going ok for you Zhamila. Be well!
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/25/13 03:49 PM
Originally Posted by living_well
Glad things are going ok for you Zhamila. Be well!


You too, Living Well! Nice to see you again.

(I guess I don't write much unless there's drama, lol)
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/25/13 06:10 PM
So good to see both of you smile

What does this mean?

"I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for."
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/25/13 07:00 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
So good to see both of you smile

What does this mean?

"I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for."


Well in my case one of my 'favourite places' is a view of a mountain that you would only see from one place in Europe. I have a flat there but would not want to spray that information around on Match.

I also included an amusing anecdote from my childhood. If you understood the reference, you would have attended a school like mine. Again, not something I would state overtly.

Good rule of thumb not to write anything in a profile that you would not happily say to someone you had only just met at a party.
Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/28/13 06:11 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I just had to weigh in on Online Dating. It's been a good way for me to meet men (just my experience). I use Match and I've gone out with 22 men in the past 6 months.

Now, this said, only one has been a viable candidate for me. However, it's been fun to meet lots of nice people and learn about myself & them. Here are my Top Stories:

1. The Felon - Handsome, charming, successful: BUT...when I did a background check, I found that he was on work release (that's weekend prison for people with jobs) for aggravated battery. When I confronted him about it via text, he said, "LOL."

2. The Abuser - Fun, successful, nice-looking: BUT...lost his temper driving - which scared the cr*p out of me - then told me his wife's injury that put her in ER after their fight wasn't "his fault." YIKES! (dated 2 weeks)

3. The Filmmaker - Fun, we really clicked, BUT...His "ex horror stories" were all about girlfriends being jealous of all his female friends, and their husbands' fears that he was having affairs with them. This, even AFTER his wife had an affair with a male 'friend.' (sigh) He had a few other qualities that made me uncomfortable. We dated 1.5 months then broke up.

4. 18 other, very nice men - just didn't feel any chemistry with them, so I told them nicely after our first date (usually coffee or a drink)

5. Dream Dude - we met in "real life" but he was younger than I, had never been married (I have 3 kiddos). Though we clicked, he said he wanted someone who hadn't already 'been there done that.' I was sad, but I totally understood. This was a total heartbreak for me! And why I prefer online dating: they can see RIGHT AWAY that I'm in my 40s & have 3 kids...in public, I often get mistaken for a younger woman and younger guys hit on me.

6. The Artist - we're just dating and having fun for now. I don't see him as having real long-term potential, but we enjoy each other's company and have common interests. (have been dating for 1 month now)

I'm pretty determined to wait til my youngest in in college before even considering marriage again (per Harley). Also, I think my love bank walls are very high, because of what I've been through (see my thread on MB101, if you're curious).

I do think it's a little easier for girls online: I just sit back and wait for guys to email me, "no thank you" the ones I'm not interested in, and write back to the ones I am. We typically meet within a week or two of correspondence, I like to keep it light and short (coffee, 45 minutes) - I would hate to waste a man's time/money if we don't 'click.'

Oh, essential for me is hiding my profile: I post it for 3-4 days, then get a bunch of emails - hide, meet the ones I'm interested in, stay hidden if I "click" with someone, etc. I only un-hide my profile if I'm 'single' again because it's overwhelming, otherwise.

My observation is that there aren't too many 'quality candidates' out there. Few of the men I've met understand MB principles (I don't specifically talk about them, but I ask questions & listen for their relationship philosophy/what went wrong before, etc). BUT...it's been interesting and fun, and I've actually made some 'male friends' - friends I'm sure I'll drop if I ever find "the One." smile


I just had to respond to this, I could not resist. This is exactly my experience with dating. Turns out some advice you get on the internet really is spot on.

You cannot Plan A a woman you just met and this is where a lot of guys mess up in dating. Let�s look at your list..

You are clearly an attractive woman, if you were able to date 22 guys. Not to mention having to hide your profile for days at a time.
Let�s look at what your list says and the ones who made an impression.

Numbers 1, 2 , 3, 6. Dated more than once, cared enough to confront on issues, or just have fun, or had your hamster running some other way. Eventually though, you either get scared or uncomfortable and it does not last. ALPHA traits � scary, wild, carefree, dangerous.

Number 4, the 18 other men. Normal guys I�m sure. Nobody made an impression, likely do have some alpha traits, but no one got the chance to show you any of that if they failed the coffee date. Likely they were trying to be �nice�. BETA traits � nice, caring, going slow, safe.

Now I am actually a really nice guy. Somewhere on here is a thread about me trying to get my WW back. But if you look at my dating profile, there are respectful photos that make me look really good. My profile is funny, challenging, and mentions I own a gun without showing you a photo. It�s not in your face, but it is largely alpha. And I also have to hide my profile most of the time. As a guy, I think that means I am onto something.

My point is, being a really good romantic partner is great. Being a fantastic partner and using marriage builders principles to build a life long relationship is everyone�s goal. But if you can�t get past the first coffee date � how is she going to know that? I�m not saying the shirtless selfie is the way to go � but you need the initial attraction! There is a place for both alpha, and beta traits � especially during first impressions.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/28/13 09:32 PM
Quote
Well in my case one of my 'favourite places' is a view of a mountain that you would only see from one place in Europe. I have a flat there but would not want to spray that information around on Match.

I also included an amusing anecdote from my childhood. If you understood the reference, you would have attended a school like mine. Again, not something I would state overtly.

Oh that makes a lot of sense now, I wish I had thought of something like that!


Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/28/13 10:05 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Oh that makes a lot of sense now, I wish I had thought of something like that!


Sounds from your signature as if you managed very well without it.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 03:26 AM
Originally Posted by Reynolds531
I just had to respond to this, I could not resist. This is exactly my experience with dating. Turns out some advice you get on the internet really is spot on.

Let’s look at what your list says and the ones who made an impression.

Numbers 1, 2 , 3, 6. ALPHA traits – scary, wild, carefree, dangerous.

Number 4, the 18 other men. Normal guys I’m sure. Likely they were trying to be “nice”. BETA traits – nice, caring, going slow, safe.

Now I am actually a really nice guy. My profile is funny, challenging, and mentions I own a gun without showing you a photo. It’s not in your face, but it is largely alpha. And I also have to hide my profile most of the time. As a guy, I think that means I am onto something.

My point is, being a really good romantic partner is great. Being a fantastic partner and using marriage builders principles to build a life long relationship is everyone’s goal. But if you can’t get past the first coffee date – how is she going to know that? There is a place for both alpha, and beta traits – especially during first impressions.
OK, I'd like to set the record straight about why the other 18 didn't get another chance. I get really tired of men's blogs telling them to "treat women like crap and they'll come back for more," and I truly hope this isn't what you meant. I mean, those games might work for 20-somethings with zero self-esteem, but they don't fly with me.

Also, there's a tiny bit of "mansplaining" here with limited knowledge of the facts, so I'll take the time explain more fully:

Originally Posted by Reynolds531
Likely they were trying to be “nice”. BETA traits – nice, caring, going slow, safe.
In fact, "Dream Dude" was very Beta with me...that's why I liked him so much. He was considerate, respectful, gentle and took things very, very slow and safe with me. I felt comfortable with him in a way I haven't with any other man. In fact, I broke up with Artist last week because he I didn't feel "safe" and he wasn't giving me enough affection and attention (not Beta enough for me). So, here are the ones I remember (names changed to protect the innocent) and why they didn't get another shot:

Matt - held my hand (um, ok), then started putting his hand on my waist while walking (ICK). Told me he'd "never date a woman who had been married 2x," then wouldn't let go while hugging me goodbye. I was very uncomfortable being touched like this, plus I didn't have the heart to tell him my history, so nope.

Robert - Drank a lot on the first date, so much that I was uncomfortable. Plus in person he looks like my uncle, down to his mannerisms. This creeped me out. Next.

Josh - Talked non-stop about himself. Asked me 1x, "I'm talking too much. Please tell how you learned Arabic?" When I started to answer he promptly interrupted and kept talking. Next.

Mark - 3 inches shorter than me (my fault for not checking thoroughly). I am not attracted to men who are shorter than me.

Kevin - Bald. I went out with him "just in case" I would change my mind about bald guys. Nope. My fault for meeting him at all.

Bill - unemployed, hadn't divulged this in his profile. Plus talked non-stop & didn't ask me anything about myself. Next.

James - was chubbier than his profile looked. I just couldn't do it, physically. He was 'iffy' for me online, and in person just sealed the deal. My fault for meeting him at all, I suppose.

Brad - told me "I can't believe you don't watch TV! How can you LIVE without watching 'Walking Dead' every week?!?" He was actually serious. Travels a lot for work and admits he doesn't stay in touch with GFs when he's away. Next.

Derek - talked about his 12-year old visit to a strip club on the first date. Told me his ex is "crazy" and that he "can't stand her." Deal-breaker.

Fred - watched a football game the entire first date, because "his team" was on and he "couldn't help it." He said that his friends tell him he's "too nice to women" and should "act like more of a jerk" to get more dates. I didn't waste my time on a 2nd date with him.

Rick - talked non-stop about himself, interrupted me if I tried to answer a question he'd ask me. Showed me photos of his kids right away and talked on and on about them. Self-absorbed. Next.

Kyle - Someone I knew from years ago and thought I'd give it a chance. Is a little "Asperger's" in that he would stare uncomfortably at me and couldn't quite catch the rhythm of the conversation. He laughs very loudly and long, too. Couldn't do it.

Jacob - World traveler, very handsome & intriguing, and has lots of wonderful qualities. But he doesn't want a house: he just wants to travel all over the world and own nothing. This just isn't a lifestyle I want to share.

Jack - told me he used to be a male stripper. Mentioned he'd been with a prostitute. NEXT.

Tom - told me his ex stole "$250K" from him, that the cops were called during an altercation with her. I am very gun-shy of any stories of relational abuse. Next.

Luke - met in real life, very handsome. He made me nervous the first date (referred to my figure in a way that made me uncomfortable), so I didn't see him again.

To clarify: THE FELON - I saw him 1x only. After the background check (done quickly because he gave me a funny feeling) I never saw him again.

I mean, these guys aren't "bad." (except The Felon, lol) They were "nice guys" on some level and I don't want to slam them. But they either didn't know how to have a conversation, or seemed completely unaware of women's emotional needs (affection, conversation, financial security, etc). If a man asks a woman about herself, can have an interesting conversation, is financially secure, not completely self-absorbed & is able to pick up on normal social cues (like, "don't touch me" or "don't bring out your bad-boy sexual behavior right away"), then likely he'll get another chance with me.

And the ones I wasn't physically attracted to: it's my fault for even wasting their 45 minutes. I keep thinking it "shouldn't bother me," but it just does. My bad.

So PLEASE MEN: work on learning to meet a woman's emotional needs. Don't believe the "be a jerk, you'll get laid," BS...well, maybe you WILL get laid, but not by me, lol.

smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 03:31 AM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
So good to see both of you smile

What does this mean?

"I've actually 'hidden' things in my profile, and if a man actually catches it, I know he's closer to what I'm looking for."


Hooray!! Hi NED smile

For me, I just mention little things like that I really like documentaries (not into traditional movies or TV much), or my spoken languages. If they've actually read my profile they'll get the fact that I'm kind of nerdy and mention it in their email to me.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 02:06 PM
That sounds fun. Z I liked reading about your experiences, I should jot mine down too before I forget.

1) A guy I was good friends in school with, just happened to get back in touch with me. We went for a month or two and I liked him a lot but he was just separated and hadn't filed for divorce, so I felt weird going out for that reason. He was beaten by his wife, so he wasn't going to go back, but he didn't have the finances to file. I stopped seeing him figuring I could check in with him later when he was single again. In the meantime he divorced, met and married another good friend from school. They are very happy together so that was a great ending.

2) A guy I met online, we had a lot in common and went out for a couple of months. I was becoming less and less convinced he was keeper material because he stopped planning dates earlier in the week, started just making last-minute plans. And then when he didn't visit his mom for a holiday with no reason that said it all for me. I am very close with my family and wanted someone who makes it to visit his mom on holidays when he says he will wink

3) A guy with what soon became obvious had a drinking problem. Not a good fit here.

4) Then I met L. We hit it off right away, and I knew within a couple of months this was the one smile
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 02:25 PM
Thanks for sharing the list zhamila
Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 02:59 PM
Sorry, I�m not looking to offend you. I just wanted to point out some truths that some guys just don�t get.
I�m absolutely not saying �be a jerk and you will get laid�. It might work, but I could care less about getting laid. I�m looking for the same thing as everyone else � quality. And I see guys on the thread who are clearly struggling with even getting a date.
Just to summarize my position.
1. Yes, build some rapport and don�t push too fast. But also don�t be afraid to touch a woman. Like on the arm!
2. Take care of the physical attraction. Post your best pics. If you need to lose weight do it. If you are short, don�t try to date women who are too tall.
3. Know how to hold a conversation. Don�t say you are interesting and funny. Be interesting and funny! Practice talking to ALL people, not just attractive women.
4. Lead in the relationship, have a date planned and a back up date if that doesn�t work. Listen but also be able to suggest what you want. If she says she�s not interested that is totally fine.
5. Deal with women on YOUR terms. Two flakes, NEXT. Be your own man, have your own life, hobbies, career, goals. But also don�t try to shove it down her throat on the first date.
At risk of having my post flagged I will say MarriageBuilders is really good at building out the Beta half of the ideal man. All I am saying is there is another half.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 05:16 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Thanks for sharing the list zhamila
Hope YOU weren't one of them...I'd feel REALLY BAD...

lol wink
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 05:24 PM
Originally Posted by Reynolds531
Sorry, I’m not looking to offend you. I just wanted to point out some truths that some guys just don’t get.
I’m absolutely not saying “be a jerk and you will get laid”. It might work, but I could care less about getting laid. I’m looking for the same thing as everyone else – quality. And I see guys on the thread who are clearly struggling with even getting a date.
Just to summarize my position.
1. Yes, build some rapport and don’t push too fast. But also don’t be afraid to touch a woman. Like on the arm!
2. Take care of the physical attraction. Post your best pics. If you need to lose weight do it. If you are short, don’t try to date women who are too tall.
3. Know how to hold a conversation. Don’t say you are interesting and funny. Be interesting and funny! Practice talking to ALL people, not just attractive women.
4. Lead in the relationship, have a date planned and a back up date if that doesn’t work. Listen but also be able to suggest what you want. If she says she’s not interested that is totally fine.
5. Deal with women on YOUR terms. Two flakes, NEXT. Be your own man, have your own life, hobbies, career, goals. But also don’t try to shove it down her throat on the first date.
At risk of having my post flagged I will say MarriageBuilders is really good at building out the Beta half of the ideal man. All I am saying is there is another half.

Love your list, Reynolds. And I totally agree that MB is good at building out the Beta.

Physical attraction is important, even to us women.

I guess I'm not a very touchy-feeling-on-first-date person. In fact, I went out with Filmmaker again because he shook my hand after the first (no pressure for anything) - it was awesome. I get tired of men trying to touch me...again, because they think I'm 'pretty' - it feels invasive. Just me.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 05:34 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
That sounds fun. Z I liked reading about your experiences, I should jot mine down too before I forget.

1) A guy I was good friends in school with, just happened to get back in touch with me. We went for a month or two and I liked him a lot but he was just separated and hadn't filed for divorce, so I felt weird going out for that reason. He was beaten by his wife, so he wasn't going to go back, but he didn't have the finances to file. I stopped seeing him figuring I could check in with him later when he was single again. In the meantime he divorced, met and married another good friend from school. They are very happy together so that was a great ending.

2) A guy I met online, we had a lot in common and went out for a couple of months. I was becoming less and less convinced he was keeper material because he stopped planning dates earlier in the week, started just making last-minute plans. And then when he didn't visit his mom for a holiday with no reason that said it all for me. I am very close with my family and wanted someone who makes it to visit his mom on holidays when he says he will wink

3) A guy with what soon became obvious had a drinking problem. Not a good fit here.

4) Then I met L. We hit it off right away, and I knew within a couple of months this was the one smile

Love hearing your experiences, NED! I wish I had the luck to meet someone within the first four, and I am very happy for you.:D
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 05:49 PM
It all comes down to being able to read the person you're with - each person should try to read the other's body language to figure out what's acceptable. Do I want to be groped, ever? No, of course not. But on a date with someone I'm interested in, I don't find flirtatious touches (such as a hand on the small of the back as you walk to your table) invasive at all. I want a man who's confident and wants to show me he's interested. I don't assume it's just because I'm pretty and he's trying to get in my pants. Or maybe I was just fortunate not to meet any of this type of man.

I only went on 6 dates before meeting my bf. I was extremely picky and I too went through periods where I just hid my profile because I was tired of weeding through the "not a chance"s. Just needed a break every now and then. I eventually learned to be more open-minded about certain things (for example, I loosened up my narrow age-range requirement) and to look for signs that the person contacting me had actually read my profile. I based my decision on whether to meet in person on the quality of his messages - whether he was taking the time to think about what he wrote, or if he's trying to engage in a meaningless "chat" via email. If it felt like the conversation wasn't easy, I knew it wouldn't be any better in person.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/29/13 05:58 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
It all comes down to being able to read the person you're with - each person should try to read the other's body language to figure out what's acceptable.

Totes. wink
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 12:15 AM
Interesting stories. I really like this kind of feedback as I also have my eye out for a nice girl to date, but I find that my requirements eliminate the vast majority which is a little frustrating.

First, the girl must be a follower of Christ and live by a moral standard, second, she must take care of herself as I just don't find significantly overweight women attractive, and third, she needs to know how to dress in a way that shows self respect.

What I'm finding is women that don't seem to have a Christian world view, are tattoo'd up one side pierced down the other, aren't very attractive physically, post pictures that show way too much, or are way too young.

Another thing I've struggled with is that I haven't sought out anyone that didn't have kids because I can't have any more children (ex wife talked me into getting fixed), I don't want to deny a woman her own kids, nor am I typically attracted to women that don't want their own as I'm a family dude and I wonder how that will work with my kids and she doesn't want any.

Honestly it doesn't leave very many to go out with, not to mention, the ones that are left may not find me attractive because I don't look like Brad Pitt, nor act like him. smile

I have three times now bent on one of those standards and three times it was great getting some of my needs met (you know just dinner for two is nice) but I couldn't continue.

As far as the Alpha/Beta thing. I think Alpha gets a bad rap because many Alpha men are naturally that way because they are self-centered jerks. I think what women really want is a manly man that isn't a jerk: Someone that knows how to take care of himself and his family, is concise, a leader, intelligent, has standards he follows, but at the same time gentle, well spoken, considerate, respectful, and generous.

So I would love to hear comments, feedback, and suggestions on what I wrote above, but also want to thank the women on this form that took the time to write their experiences as it's nice to hear the other perspective.

ak

Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 12:45 AM
I would keep tabs on the fixing thing, they have on occasion been known to resolve themselves so to speak.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 02:35 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Interesting stories. I really like this kind of feedback as I also have my eye out for a nice girl to date, but I find that my requirements eliminate the vast majority which is a little frustrating.

First, the girl must be a follower of Christ and live by a moral standard, second, she must take care of herself as I just don't find significantly overweight women attractive, and third, she needs to know how to dress in a way that shows self respect.
This is a bummer...I thought there were tons of quality ladies out there! It seems like it from where I sit, but I guess I haven't really been looking for ladies. I have a single friend who is sweet, modest, thin & Christian (and pretty!). She lives in my city, in case you're interested. wink But it's true, she gets hit on a lot - now I understand why! And she's hung up on a guy who looks like "Brad Pitt" but only bothers to see her once a month or so. frown I wish she'd get over him! Her H had an affair and left her after 30 years of marriage - it's been a rough time for her.

It's good to hear from the other side as well, ak1 - thanks for sharing.

I've often wondered if there would ever be an "MB daters" forum to connect MB-minded singles. Seems like it would be nice to meet people who already know the concepts.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 02:48 AM
Just remembered another one!

Dean - Handsome, Christian, family-oriented. Said his divorce isn't yet final - I told him I wouldn't date him until it was. He said he'd like to give it a shot now, and was talking 'exclusivity' - even marriage - with me, on the first date. Next.

I am currently on hiatus, as I broke up with the Artist last week. I need a breather anyway - it's been a busy 6 months! faint
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 03:03 AM
Call me skeptical, but how could he call himself a believer if he is dating while married? It doesn't seem like he knew how to be single either if he was talking marriage on the first date. Sounds like he has some healing to do.

Your friend is a good example of what I'm talking about. While I'm not Brad Pit. I'm not fat or ugly by any stretch, and have a lot more to offer than Brad because I'm sane, faithful, and family oriented.

What is interesting is that many of the profiles mention that the girl is done being used and played and is ready to date a 'nice guy', but I find that a turn-off. It sounds like the pretty girls have more attention than they can handle.

I'm fine with it though, I'm not interested in games or drama. Been there done that.

ak
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 03:46 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Call me skeptical, but how could he call himself a believer if he is dating while married? It doesn't seem like he knew how to be single either if he was talking marriage on the first date. Sounds like he has some healing to do.

Your friend is a good example of what I'm talking about. While I'm not Brad Pit. I'm not fat or ugly by any stretch, and have a lot more to offer than Brad because I'm sane, faithful, and family oriented.

What is interesting is that many of the profiles mention that the girl is done being used and played and is ready to date a 'nice guy', but I find that a turn-off. It sounds like the pretty girls have more attention than they can handle.

I'm fine with it though, I'm not interested in games or drama. Been there done that.

ak

Totally agree, he needs to heal.

Yep, on the 'profile negatives' - I am always surprised when I see profiles with "don't this...don't that...tired of games...tired of lies."

Maybe I can get her to visit MB? Hm...I'll gently suggest it to her.

Yes, the pretty ones get attention. But whether it's from quality people remains to be seen. I don't need a bunch of attention...in fact I dislike it. I only want attention from "one."

(Sigh) One of the things I'm gonna talk to God about is, "How come people don't reflect on the outside what their inside (character) is like?" What an easier time we'd all have...and if our character improved, so would our looks! Yep, that's how I would've done it, if I were God. lol.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 04:09 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Call me skeptical, but how could he call himself a believer if he is dating while married? It doesn't seem like he knew how to be single either if he was talking marriage on the first date. Sounds like he has some healing to do.

Your friend is a good example of what I'm talking about. While I'm not Brad Pit. I'm not fat or ugly by any stretch, and have a lot more to offer than Brad because I'm sane, faithful, and family oriented.

What is interesting is that many of the profiles mention that the girl is done being used and played and is ready to date a 'nice guy', but I find that a turn-off. It sounds like the pretty girls have more attention than they can handle.

I'm fine with it though, I'm not interested in games or drama. Been there done that.

ak

Yes. I had a "separated" women say "meet me" on POF. She identified as "Baptist"
I sent her a mesaage "I don't date married separated women"
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/30/13 04:21 PM
Jedi points out something else I run into and it sounds like all of you run into it as well: The person that says they are a believer but doesn't act like it. My exWW is like this.

Anyway, I'm going to stay positive about this and use this time to work on myself. Our church is going through John right now and it's a great time to reflect on the "Lamb that takes away the sins of the world."

I'm also working on getting my house completely organized as I have a lot of little parts around for my various projects and hobbies. I wouldn't say I'm a pack rat, more like I enjoy fabrication and building things and that involves lots of tools, parts, parts for the tools, and various materials.

Right now I'm working on getting the garage completely sorted through, then I'll be building a custom snowmobile with my son. I'm using it to teach him how to weld, rebuild an engine, and designing parts that function well and look good.

Speaking of fabrication, I think that welding, building, and repairing is a manly thing, but I get the impression that some women think it's a little redneck or perhaps even nerdy.

That is one thing I really like about my exWW, she could see the potential that an expensive tool would afford us and was willing to spend the money. A lot of other women aren't really on board with dropping $2k on a welder.

ak

Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 10/31/13 08:40 PM
ak, have you considered a Christian online dating site? And my church is full of single respectable divorcees with well-behaved kids, isn't yours?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 04:22 AM
I have a profile on Christian Mingle, but it really hasn't turned up anything.... Yet.

I go to a pretty big church, but can only think of one divorced single lady close to my age, and I haven't approached her because it feels awkward whenever I talk to her. I think it's because we went though divorce care together and she saw me when I was a complete mess, when I was depressed, weak, and lacked a backbone.

I'm not like that anymore, there has been a lot of growth since then, that's the part of the divorce I'm really thankful for.

I figured that there would be plenty of women to date, but up here in AK then men significantly outnumber the women for some reason. If it wasn't for the co-parent deal and the fact that I have a fantastic job, I would probably move back to the lower 48.

Thanks for you thoughts though, am always open to suggestions. I would be delighted to have some company for dinner, hiking, and other activities. Who knows, perhaps I'll meet someone and have the opportunity to bless her with all I've learned.

ak
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 04:26 AM
I don't have many single women in my church either
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 04:50 AM
Originally Posted by Reynolds531
A few things about online dating:
1. many of the women have been on there for a while and they often get tons of attention - there is a school of thought that says they get addicted to it "cake eating?"
It's interesting, because I've heard this same phrase from several of my dates: ladies are on the lookout for the 'next best thing,' and unwilling to settle down. It's kind of a switch from our younger years!

The men who told me this were generally handsome, but also the ones who talked and didn't listen, or had other less-than-attractive qualities. They almost seemed shell-shocked that their looks & sex-appeal weren't helping them much anymore.

At this point in my life I've had my children and I'm in the middle of my career. I own my home & I'm doing well on my own. A gent has to be pretty special and unique to add value to my life (read: "Dr. Harley-esque"), and I'm not all starry-eyed anymore about cleaning house, doing laundry, and taking on more children. I get the impression that some are looking for a woman to take care of them (emotionally, domestically, sexually) but don't have much to offer in return. Several also told me they weren't interested in women their age, even if she were physically attractive - maybe they wanted someone a little more naive? Perhaps I'm just gun-shy, but this has been my impression of the "Why-Won't-Women-Settle-Down-Lamenters."

Any man who can meet a woman's top 5 ENs will seriously have NO problem attracting flocks of good ladies. I think Dr. Harley uses the phrase, "Irresistible." He's right!! smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 05:04 AM
Remembered another one:

"Josh" - handsomer than his photos, talked non-stop. Had never been married, was in his 40s and had been a hard-driving career man. He kept touching me on the arm in that sales-y way. I asked questions, he pontificated. At least one of us was impressed with him. wink Next.

Also a funny: once when I was skyping with a budding-date-prospect, his screen kept bouncing...I couldn't figure out why until I realized he had been - ahem - pleasuring himself while I told him about my day! shocked ICK. I was fully clothed, I might add.

...(shakes head) there are some things I don't think I'll ever understand...maybe I should start a blog? You can't make this stuff up!!
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 08:31 AM
You could make good money that way. Blogging about dating that is.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 12:03 PM
Originally Posted by karmasrose
You could make good money that way. Blogging about dating that is.

...glad for the qualifier, ha!

Hm...thinking about it. But that means I'd have to keep dating...

smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 12:07 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
I have a profile on Christian Mingle, but it really hasn't turned up anything.... Yet.
I had the same experience, ak. I was on CM for about a month and nothing turned up. I had some dates, but there just weren't as many people participating...when I got on Match I noticed some of the same men there, so I switched.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 06:44 PM
It would be very Carrie Bradshaw of you smile

The thing about online dating is that it puts more emphasis on the physical attraction - it doesn't matter how funny/witty/perfect someone's profile is if you don't find him/her attractive enough from the photos. Which is really too bad because some people aren't photogenic, or they chose unflattering photos.

So the person who might best be able to meet your ENs may never get the chance to even meet you in person.

I never met anyone I wanted to date from it, but Meetup was really a great way to meet other single men (and women, in similar situations). There were a lot of people I met through Meetup who met their significant others through Meetup. I personally already have a busy social life so I wasn't able to attend as many events as others were. It was great to see so many who were friends first.

AK - Have you ever tried Meetup?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 07:51 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Also a funny: once when I was skyping with a budding-date-prospect, his screen kept bouncing...I couldn't figure out why until I realized he had been - ahem - pleasuring himself while I told him about my day! shocked ICK. I was fully clothed, I might add.

No way! That's disgusting, no wonder you are taking a break!


Originally Posted by Zhamila
At this point in my life I've had my children and I'm in the middle of my career. I own my home & I'm doing well on my own. A gent has to be pretty special and unique to add value to my life (read: "Dr. Harley-esque"), and I'm not all starry-eyed anymore about cleaning house, doing laundry, and taking on more children. I get the impression that some are looking for a woman to take care of them (emotionally, domestically, sexually) but don't have much to offer in return. Several also told me they weren't interested in women their age, even if she were physically attractive - maybe they wanted someone a little more naive? Perhaps I'm just gun-shy, but this has been my impression of the "Why-Won't-Women-Settle-Down-Lamenters."

Any man who can meet a woman's top 5 ENs will seriously have NO problem attracting flocks of good ladies. I think Dr. Harley uses the phrase, "Irresistible." He's right!! smile

I don't doubt there are a lot of needy men out there. Many dudes think the primary role of a relationship is for them to get taken care of.

I'm not one of those dudes, but it doesn't mean that there are a lot of eligible ladies out there, at least where I live.

I'm sure there are 'flocks' of ladies that would be thrilled to have their needs met, but so far I haven't found one that I'm interested in.

I have been studying Harley's thoughts on emotional needs for quite a while now, and have read his books. I agree with his policies and understand how they build compatibility. I'm sold.

To that end, when I am on a date I'm trying to figure out what her top emotional need is. You can't do that without asking thoughtful questions and listening. After that I try to confirm my theory with more questions, all the while making fun and light conversation.

After the date I start thinking about how meeting that need will change my life, and if that is a change that I would like to make, as well as how she met my needs.

The issue I bring up is that going to Christian Mingle or Match and searching for women that are within 5 years of me, have children, actually wrote a profile, aren't covered in tattoos and piercings, aren't overweight (physical attractiveness is one of my ENs), have a similar world view, have a picture, and are within 50 miles yields less than 5 results.

Anyway, since we are all sharing here let me describe two women I took on a date:

Jane (no, not her real name): She is very pretty, but covered in tattoos. She dressed to cover them all up because she didn't like them and wish she didn't do that to her body when she was younger. Her emotional need was honesty and family. She wants a dude to be the husband and father, adore her and the kids, and be honest with her about what he is feeling. I also got the impression that affection was high on her list. She went to church every week and was committed to doing right, and seemed to be morally and spiritually sound. So far so good, I like those things (except the tattoos), but the problem was that her ex-husband kept texting during our date as if he owned her, and she couldn't put her phone down. She didn't have any boundaries with this guy and was genuinely scared of him.

On the second date she voiced her frustration with this so I simply asked for her phone and put it in my pocket. I got the impression that she liked that, but I also knew that she wasn't strong enough to deal with him on her own.

Two weeks later she called and said they were going to try and reconcile so I wished her well and haven't heard much since.

Kim: She was much prettier than her profile and very down to earth. She seemed to have very good boundaries with her ex and she was a good conversationalist. I couldn't read her as well, but I'm pretty sure she was after family, conversation, and admiration. We talked for a few weeks and saw each other a few times, but in the end we just weren't that compatible.

I wasn't very comfortable with how her marriage ended (no affair or leaving), she just wasn't getting her needs met. I know that is a legitimate reason for divorce and I respect what she went though, but as someone that really tries to follow the Bible as best I can, I struggled with that because I read the Bible to say that infidelity and abandonment are the only biblical grounds for divorce. She had also been out of church a long while and wanted to find one to attend, but I got the impression that it was in response to some of the questions I asked.

She also had a thing with animals which is great, but I was getting the impression that she wanted to have more than I would be comfortable with.

We both agreed that we weren't a very good fit so we aren't dating anymore, but I do talk to her occasionally as we are friends.

I wonder if I should start talking to women that don't have kids. That would certainly open up the dating pool a bit, but I wonder how that would work out. Far and wide I think women either want children or don't. If she doesn't want children then I wonder how she would get along with mine (though they will be gone in 5 years), and if she does, I can't give her anymore without getting unfixed, and that's a gamble.

Well, that's a long enough post this time. I'll keep looking. I'm sure the one is out there somewhere. smile

ak





Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
It would be very Carrie Bradshaw of you smile

The thing about online dating is that it puts more emphasis on the physical attraction - it doesn't matter how funny/witty/perfect someone's profile is if you don't find him/her attractive enough from the photos. Which is really too bad because some people aren't photogenic, or they chose unflattering photos.

So the person who might best be able to meet your ENs may never get the chance to even meet you in person.

I never met anyone I wanted to date from it, but Meetup was really a great way to meet other single men (and women, in similar situations). There were a lot of people I met through Meetup who met their significant others through Meetup. I personally already have a busy social life so I wasn't able to attend as many events as others were. It was great to see so many who were friends first.

AK - Have you ever tried Meetup?

JustMe,

You make a very good point. The second girl wasn't very photogenic (actually I'm not so much either, but I'm learning), and I found her to be much better looking in person.

I see in your message that you are 35 and don't have any children. That makes you well qualified to answer my question. If you don't mind I would really appreciate your thoughts on kids.

Would you date a dude that already had kids? Would you want to try and start having your own? What if he was fixed?

If you don't feel comfortable answering them, no worries, just super curious.

ak
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/01/13 09:37 PM
Within an hour of putting my profile on Match I was contacted by someone with an incredibly interesting background and with a sense of humour that was uncannily like mine. We sent each other very entertaining emails for a week or two because both of us were travelling before we finally met.

Within a minute of meeting, to my horror, I realised that I had found my XH's double. I suppose it makes sense that the same kind of man would be attracted to me but I so did not need another lunatic in my life.

After that I used Match much more pro-actively. I never responded again to contacts from other people but used the advanced search and careful reading of profiles to find my own matches. That worked.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 12:58 AM
If I may, how did you know he was his double? Did you see warning flags you remember seeing with your XH?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 02:18 AM
Originally Posted by living_well
Within an hour of putting my profile on Match I was contacted by someone with an incredibly interesting background and with a sense of humour that was uncannily like mine. We sent each other very entertaining emails for a week or two because both of us were travelling before we finally met.

Within a minute of meeting, to my horror, I realised that I had found my XH's double. I suppose it makes sense that the same kind of man would be attracted to me but I so did not need another lunatic in my life.

After that I used Match much more pro-actively. I never responded again to contacts from other people but used the advanced search and careful reading of profiles to find my own matches. That worked.

Maybe he is the secret evil twin, separated at birth
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 03:43 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
The issue I bring up is that going to Christian Mingle or Match and searching for women that are within 5 years of me, have children, actually wrote a profile, aren't covered in tattoos and piercings, aren't overweight (physical attractiveness is one of my ENs), have a similar world view, have a picture, and are within 50 miles yields less than 5 results.


It's true, I've heard that Alaska is lighter on women. Back in "the day" we had mail-order brides to solve this problem!

I wonder...you said within 5 years: would you be willing to go a little broader on the age range? I'm not sure if you mean "5 years up and 5 years down" or just 2.5+ and 2.5-. My better prospects have been up to 14 years older than me, or 5 years younger (as a woman, it's harder for me to date younger men). Just a thought...

Also, have you searched outside of your parameters, just to see what's out there? Perhaps she expresses her worldview a bit more subtly, or is a year younger or something, but otherwise would make a decent prospect for you. Again, just brainstorming...
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 05:27 AM
Heh, mail order, from Russia? Where do I sign up? smile

Seriously though, I don't really care where she comes from, as long as she meets my needs and is willing to let me meet hers, and is happy with how I do it.

So yea, +- 5 years. I'm 36 now and have been using 29-41 as my range. I don't think I would be interested in any younger than that, as 28 puts her at 15 when my oldest was born, and there is too much generation gap.

Personally I don't have any problem with dating older women as they tend to have more life experience and know what they want.

I'll do more looking this weekend, and report back.

Thanks for the thoughts!

ak
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 12:15 PM
Originally Posted by karmasrose
If I may, how did you know he was his double? Did you see warning flags you remember seeing with your XH?


I never saw the warning flags with my XH because I am from the UK and a very different culture. We met through work. Mine was the first generation to have serious jobs/choose our own spouses.

But boy did I see the flags this time! MB may not have been able to save my marriage but it helped save me from another disaster. I have always found myself attracted to alpha males; complex, intellectual people because I find understanding them very engaging. Now I see them as flawed relationship material. Those things that drive them to be successful also require them to have no regard for anyone else.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 12:19 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Maybe he is the secret evil twin, separated at birth


Yes and they had to separate or else one would have murdered the other.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 03:42 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Heh, mail order, from Russia? Where do I sign up? smile

Seriously though, I don't really care where she comes from, as long as she meets my needs and is willing to let me meet hers, and is happy with how I do it.

So yea, +- 5 years. I'm 36 now and have been using 29-41 as my range. I don't think I would be interested in any younger than that, as 28 puts her at 15 when my oldest was born, and there is too much generation gap.

Personally I don't have any problem with dating older women as they tend to have more life experience and know what they want.

I'll do more looking this weekend, and report back.

Thanks for the thoughts!

ak

OK, hope you find lots!

I did a search for women in Nome Alaska...there was only one woman, bless her. I really hope you don't live in Nome.
shocked
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/02/13 07:24 PM
No, I live were most other people in Alaska live. I couldn't handle Nome. I'll leave you to figure out where that is since I really don't want Google indexing this information, and because you're a very smart lady and certainly won't struggle to figure it out. smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 02:00 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
No, I live were most other people in Alaska live. I couldn't handle Nome. I'll leave you to figure out where that is since I really don't want Google indexing this information, and because you're a very smart lady and certainly won't struggle to figure it out. smile

Well then, your odds increase a bit! Whew.

Were you able to find anyone interesting over the weekend, ak?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 02:53 PM
A good clip on dating with children.
Radio Clip on Dating With Children
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 05:16 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by JustMe385
AK - Have you ever tried Meetup?

JustMe,


I see in your message that you are 35 and don't have any children. That makes you well qualified to answer my question. If you don't mind I would really appreciate your thoughts on kids.

Would you date a dude that already had kids? Would you want to try and start having your own? What if he was fixed?

If you don't feel comfortable answering them, no worries, just super curious.

ak

I don't mind answering that at all.

Yes, I would absolutely date a man that had kids. My personal view on children is that I don't feel my life would be incomplete without a child of my own, but if I were to remarry and my husband and I decided together to have children, I would be all for it. As the daughter of a single mother I would have loved it if she remarried and so I would never count out a man with kids. I don't really think it's practical at my age to say I only want to date men without kids anyway.
For me, it's the relationship first and foremost that is important. I'm very much a "if it's meant to be, it'll be" person - if I'm meant to be a mother (or step-mother) - it'll happen.

I do think that I may be in the minority with this attitude. When I ended a 3 yr relationship in January (because he wanted neither marriage, nor children, ever, period, no discussion) many told me don't worry, I can have kids on my own, times have changed, etc. No. That's not why I ended the relationship.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 08:31 PM
JustMe,

Thanks for the answers to my questions. I didn't figure that you would be opposed to dating a man with kids, I guess I was asking if you would date a man that had kids and couldn't have anymore. That is a little different because you would know up front that you wouldn't ever have your own.

So now another question:

As a woman, how early in the relationship would you want the guy to tell you he can't have anymore? On one hand it's pretty important information, on the other it does on some level indicate that he sees a future with you, which isn't something people are comfortable hearing for a while.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I have been confused about when in the relationship to offer the full disclosure.

One one hand it's important and it makes sense to me to get it out there before we are attached, on the other hand I don't want to meet someone and say, Hello, I'm ak, would you think about having kids? smile

Perhaps a little back story would be helpful. Someone I know met this girl online and they started talking, a lot. They don't live within day trip driving distance from each other so they have kinda the LD relationship going on, but they really like each other so they have been making weekend trips to visit each other. Well, after they were pretty attached and really liking each other, she drops the bomb. She has a STD.

On one hand he is twitterpated so he is willing to over look it, but on the other hand I don't think he would have if she came out with it much earlier.

Thoughts? Anyone?

thanks,
ak
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 09:18 PM
In that case, yes I would still date a man with kids who could not (or would not) have anymore.

I would want this information as soon as we were at the point where we knew the relationship has potential. Maybe not first date material, but you know when it's time. A woman in her mid-late 30's may very well be thinking that her time is running out if she does want kids, badly.

Actually, now that I think about it, it can totally be first date conversation. You see, I ask a lot of questions. When I'm getting to know someone, and I'm interested in them (romantically or not) I ask a million questions, so I can see my conversation with a date going like this:

"do you have kids?"
"yes, I have 2 kids"
"Do you think you'd want more if you were ever to remarry?"
followed up with:
"Can you see yourself ever getting married again?"

And there, now I know if I want to see him again.




Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/04/13 11:12 PM
Thanks for the answers, they are both obvious, but yet helpful. smile

So while we are talking about online dating stories, a girl just contacted me on Christian Mingle, I'm not paying at this time so I can't see what she wrote or write back, but I can see that she is 2 inches shorter than me and is probably 40lbs heavier than I am, so I'm not sure it's worth the cost to reply back.

Two things come to mind:

I should probably subscribe or delete my account so that I'm not the guy that doesn't reply.

I like what she wrote on her profile and it says we are a 100% match (whatever that means), but I just don't find her attractive, so I'm feeling a bit shallow. frown

ak
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 08:41 AM
You're saving her time and yours. And there is nothing wrong with wanting someone attractive. If that was your ONLY criteria, then you would be shallow.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 04:24 PM
ak,
I value life and health.
I don't find people that clog their arteries and eat junk food and get fat to share the same value of life.
Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 04:46 PM
What if this girl who you estimate to be 40 lbs. heavier than you has been working toward a healthier life and has recently lost a great deal of weight? And she hits the gym every day, likes to go running and hiking, but does like to enjoy a cheeseburger and fries now and then? Would that make a difference? Just wondering. It's happened to me a few times in my life where I met someone (not online) who I didn't find attractive at all, but as I got to know him, I became attracted to him.

While I don't find obese people attractive, I would and have agreed to meet/date men from online sites who were a bit overweight if we were compatible in other ways. Especially if he were funny and smart and had an active lifestyle (because marathon runners can still be overweight).

Physical attraction is important no doubt about it. If you're not attracted to someone, don't feel shallow - you're not going to be attracted to every single woman out there, just like there are probably plenty of women who aren't attracted to you. Just respond with "Thanks for your message but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good luck in your search!"
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 05:15 PM
But he cant respond without subscribing and paying the fee, so I suppose the lesson is to not be online with the free version since its useless
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 07:48 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
What if this girl who you estimate to be 40 lbs. heavier than you has been working toward a healthier life and has recently lost a great deal of weight? And she hits the gym every day, likes to go running and hiking, but does like to enjoy a cheeseburger and fries now and then? Would that make a difference? Just wondering. It's happened to me a few times in my life where I met someone (not online) who I didn't find attractive at all, but as I got to know him, I became attracted to him.

While I don't find obese people attractive, I would and have agreed to meet/date men from online sites who were a bit overweight if we were compatible in other ways. Especially if he were funny and smart and had an active lifestyle (because marathon runners can still be overweight).

You may be right, perhaps I would become attracted to her, but I do think it works different for men (who usually have different ENs). We are driven by our eyes. Perhaps that is lame (something I've been thinking about), or perhaps it's just how we are wired.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html

The physical attractiveness need is pretty high on my list (probably top 3), and is one of the reasons why I avoid my exWW. Just seeing her starts filling my love bank, and apparently I'm not the only one.

That said, I'm not that picky, it's not like I need to date a super model or anything, but height and weight proportional is pretty important to me.

ak


Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/05/13 07:49 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
But he cant respond without subscribing and paying the fee, so I suppose the lesson is to not be online with the free version since its useless

Yes, that's true, but if I did see someone that I thought would be a good match that I did find attractive I would pay the money in second. smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/06/13 01:35 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
But he cant respond without subscribing and paying the fee, so I suppose the lesson is to not be online with the free version since its useless

Yes, that's true, but if I did see someone that I thought would be a good match that I did find attractive I would pay the money in second. smile

Good point! I think you just answered your own question. laugh

Everyone has different things they find attractive in a potential date/mate. Knowing yourself will save you - and others - lots of time and heartache.

Originally Posted by ak1
The physical attractiveness need is pretty high on my list (probably top 3), and is one of the reasons why I avoid my exWW. Just seeing her starts filling my love bank, and apparently I'm not the only one.
ak, this is the 2nd time you've referenced your ex as "very attractive" - I wonder if you could use a little more time to heal? You might find your dating experiences will improve after you've had more space to grieve. Dunno.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/06/13 04:14 PM
You may be right, though I only mention it to illustrate how important physical attractiveness is to me, and one of the many reasons why I avoid my exWW.
Posted By: lwg8tr0514 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/06/13 09:13 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
But he cant respond without subscribing and paying the fee, so I suppose the lesson is to not be online with the free version since its useless

Yes, that's true, but if I did see someone that I thought would be a good match that I did find attractive I would pay the money in second. smile

Good point! I think you just answered your own question. laugh

Everyone has different things they find attractive in a potential date/mate. Knowing yourself will save you - and others - lots of time and heartache.

Originally Posted by ak1
The physical attractiveness need is pretty high on my list (probably top 3), and is one of the reasons why I avoid my exWW. Just seeing her starts filling my love bank, and apparently I'm not the only one.
ak, this is the 2nd time you've referenced your ex as "very attractive" - I wonder if you could use a little more time to heal? You might find your dating experiences will improve after you've had more space to grieve. Dunno.

Zham, I am currently dating an Alpha female who like you went on at least 20+ dates of online dating and one 2 year relationship with someone she confesses was on paper a good match and the first 6 months was a good match, month 7 he became verbally abusive, jealous and just his personality totally changed, but he contracted cancer and she just could not dump him until at year 2 she had enough. I met her on Match.com. We just clicked right away, physically and intellectually. She said she had met many nice looking men, some she even thought she had a connection with, but they either went right to the sex card on date #2 or showed a serious personality flaw. One she said confessed at their meeting, 30 minutes in, he WAS married but WAS getting a separation. She said she left so fast she must have looked like Fred Flinstone. She like myself was just about to give up. I think she put her match numbers at like she met 30 total men, 1/3 of those she went on a second, had a cpl of thirds and got one BF out of it. She did admit early on one of the 3rd dates she did the dirty with and she knew when she did it was a mistake. Like a Hollywood movie, after the orgasm he was not 2 minutes with pants on and out the door, she never heard from him again.

My experience was I went on about 15 dates, a few seconds, dated a woman for a few months and then after a period of no contact form her I saw she was back online and that ended a little ugly(this was after her professing exclusivity). I did work so hard on myself, healing and getting my feet under me after my divorce. I was one of those guys who got the "ILYBNILWY" speeches. I was so devastated. I set about getting in shape and letting my inner Alpha roam! I viewed dating as fun and was not goal oriented. I read many books, went to men's group stuff at church, took up martial arts..you know got MANLY. I rarely got turned down for 2nd dates..because I was in control, I did the picking not her and that mindset projected confidence, sex appeal and that I was the catch. I never approached a date as a conquest, more I was learning about someone, getting to know them. I listened way more than I talked, was flirty, slightly cocky, I was genuinely interested. ***EDI*** you need to be an interesting, integrated, healthy, well dressed man for women to want you. My current squeeze whom I have been dating for 1.5 years said I was SOOOOOO different than any of the 30 guys, I projected an energy she just loved, it was masculine energy, she said she felt the polarity, she felt safe with me. She said she loved talking with me, that I really listened to her and kept the conversation light and fun. She said it helped also that at the end of our first date I firmly grabbed her by the waist and planted a kiss on her that she said made her knees buckle. grin

Women want authenticity over flash
Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/11/13 08:59 PM
The resource you mention above is pretty amateurish. As risk of getting flagged I would recommend ***EDIT*** Just take the PDF and apply everything you would do with a wife to a date.

Principles all apply equally.

No disrespect or taking anything away from MB.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/13/13 02:49 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Someone I know met this girl online and they started talking, a lot. They don't live within day trip driving distance from each other so they have kinda the LD relationship going on, but they really like each other so they have been making weekend trips to visit each other. Well, after they were pretty attached and really liking each other, she drops the bomb. She has a STD.

On one hand he is twitterpated so he is willing to over look it, but on the other hand I don't think he would have if she came out with it much earlier.

Thoughts? Anyone? thanks, ak

Just my $.02:

That girl is very wise, IMO! If she had dropped "the bomb" on the first date, she wouldn't have gotten a second. Also, she waited to divulge something this sensitive until she knew whether the man had potential: why tell a complete stranger your darkest secrets?

That's a difficult decision for him, but life is full of difficult decisions. Ultimately he has to decide whether this is something he can deal with. No one is perfect except God. I suppose he has to decide how much "imperfection" he can handle.

Hey ak, what's the latest on your search for "slender wimmin-folk in the cold state?" Anything interesting?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/13/13 09:56 PM
I know what you mean Zhamila, she is smart, but it does cloud the judgment of the man. Think about it this way, would you marry someone that hid something so significant for so long? I don't think I would as that could cause significant problems if it happens after the wedding.

At any rate, I'm doing well. I'm kinda taking a break from the search until after the first of the year for a few reasons:

1. I'm super busy at work, and work, and with the kids.

2. I have a technical certification test I have to pass in the next 60 days and it's going to take a bit of time to get through.

3. There is a girl I really like, and she likes me, but she isn't available right now, so I think I'll stop looking for a while and see what happens with her.

Ok, so #3 requires an explanation, here it is.

I met this girl at church and found that she was also going through a divorce. I got an opportunity to see what she is like, observe what she values, get an idea of how she works, all from a distance. I found her to be very mature, smart, caring, and she has very similar values as I do.

After her divorce I was able to get to know her a little bit for a very short period, but she had to move away for a number of reasons. I've kept in contact and we talk frequently. We have become good friends, but I wasn't sure if there was more because she would like to reconcile if possible, and if not she wants to take some time to reset and really heal.

I took that as she wasn't available and decided that I would start the search, but I end up comparing every girl I meet to her and they don't come close, which was part of my frustration.

Recently she mentioned dating to me and that she doesn't know what is in store for her future, but if she was here she would have taken me up on my offer to go out on a date and have fun together. We joked about what we would do and I get the impression that she wishes she was much closer.

I really like this lady because I find that she meets my needs with little effort and I seem to meet hers without trying very hard. We have a habit of finishing each others sentences, and are frequently coming from the same viewpoint. I also like that we went to the same church and know the same people and believe the same things.

So I would really like to be with her, and I think she really likes me, but is being careful because she would like to have her family whole again if possible. We talked about this and I agree that she is wise to give it some time as she doesn't want to be torn if reconciliation is possible, but at the same time I don't think it will work out. I think she will get some finality to her family situation in the next few months, so I think I'll wait for that to happen.

If she does become available I'll be thrilled because she has a very nice family, has high standards, and is very enjoyable to be around. Did I mention that she is very pretty! smile

If she isn't available, then I'll keep looking, but I think I may stick to looking in the church. I noticed a lady in church last week that appears to be single with a son the same age as my oldest. I don't know anything about her except that she dresses well, is outgoing, and is attractive. If our paths cross, then I'll think about that then, but for now I'm pretty content to wait, and in the mean time I have been doing a bit of reading lately and found another character issue that I think needs some improvement so I'm working through that.

Anyway, thanks for asking. Have a great week!

ak

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 03:09 AM
Why did she get a divorce?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 03:31 AM
Her husband left her. I don't want to say much because I don't want her to be identified and because she may one day have access to my account and will appreciate me keeping her stuff private, but I will say that every indication shows that it's for reasons we are united on.

One reason why this person is unique is because she meets all of my requirements, and also because she is familiar with MB principles and is very much a buyer. She expresses the same towards me.

ak
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 03:36 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Her husband left her. I don't want to say much because I don't want her to be identified and because she may one day have access to my account and will appreciate me keeping her stuff private, but I will say that every indication shows that it's for reasons we are united on.

One reason why this person is unique is because she meets all of my requirements, and also because she is familiar with MB principles and is very much a buyer. She expresses the same towards me.

ak
Have you thought about showing her MB? Did you ever follow optimism's story? He brought his GF/Fiance now wife here and they follow MB and were even on the radio a few times.

Wonderful story to follow.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 01:51 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
I really like this lady because I find that she meets my needs with little effort and I seem to meet hers without trying very hard. We have a habit of finishing each others sentences, and are frequently coming from the same viewpoint. I also like that we went to the same church and know the same people and believe the same things.

So I would really like to be with her, and I think she really likes me, but is being careful because she would like to have her family whole again if possible. I think she will get some finality to her family situation in the next few months, so I think I'll wait for that to happen.

Awesome! Good luck with your test, and with this lady.grin

So...that's a "meet in real life" scenario. Any more stories of meeting online & it worked out? I'm starting to wonder if it's just too rare to bank on.

(Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?)

Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 09:26 PM
Ok....so I would appreciate feedback on my profile. I am on several sites. My profile on eHarmony is pretty cut and dried as it is just answer questions and fill in the blanks. Here is what I have on my other sites. BTW...I am a female smile

ABOUT ME:

I do my best everyday to have nothing but positivity in my life. I am caring, honest, loving & affectionate. I like to go camping & fishing, love nature & quiet evenings, cooking or an occasional dinner out. I love being spontaneous. I'm funny but know when to be serious. I'm playful & romantic. I like to go to out-of-the-way places & explore new things. I give back 110% what I receive. All I ask for is respect, honest communication & truthfulness. I like 70's music, 'some' country, smooth Jazz & R&B. Not into hard/acid rock, head-banging music or Rap. I'm a simple woman with simple taste, not materialistic, and fairly easy to please. And I HATE shopping and spending money. lol I really do! I work hard to earn it and don't like to spend frivolously nor buy things that aren't needed. I am exactly who & what I say I am. I don't play games...I'm too old. I really want to find someone who will love me for me.

Perfect Match:

Relationships require 6 simple things: Respect, Honesty, Communication, Faithfulness, Trust & Unconditional Love. While realistically there has to be physical attraction, I look more for what is inside a person. My perfect match understands the requirements above and is honestly looking for the last love of his life. His whole mission, as is mine, is to make each other as happy as possible because we want to. Doing so brings each person more joy than they ever imagined. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to genuinely be loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason & choice, not instinct. I want to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. Love is much beyond dating & kissing. It is an amazing & soulful realization capable of incredible healing & miracles. Love is mending a broken heart & making it feel loved all over again. Love is the tears in the middle of the night with arms of your beloved wrapped around you, keeping you safe. Love is sacrifice, compromise, & understanding. Love is valuing someone�s life over one�s own. Love is the light that shines from every corner of your heart & enlightens your soul.

Ideal Date:

Late lunch or early dinner on the weekend is perfectly acceptable. Especially the one where you plan for an hour or so and 3 or 4 hours have passed in the blink of an eye and you don't want the date to end so you find something else to do to be together....like a walk in the park, the canal....something....anything....to just not let it end.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:13 PM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Relationships require <snip> Trust & Unconditional Love.
<snip>
Love is sacrifice, compromise,

You are setting yourself up for heartache.
Posted By: markos Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:16 PM
stilltrying, have you read the Basic Concepts here? Dr. Harley and his wife used to run a successful dating service, teaching members to meet the emotional needs of the opposite sex. They do not believe in unconditional love. It's a very dangerous idea.
Posted By: markos Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:17 PM
What's Wrong With Unconditional Love? (part 1)

What's Wrong With Unconditional Love? (part 2)
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:18 PM
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I'll take it out. Thanks! See? That's why I posted for advice here! smile I want to meet the right kind of man.
Posted By: markos Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:23 PM
stilltrying, have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show? He's got some good advice for people in the dating scene.
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:25 PM
I have listened to some. I will listen to more. And I just saw Prisca's sig line. Congrats on your new blessing!! smile
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 10:46 PM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I'll take it out. Thanks! See? That's why I posted for advice here! smile I want to meet the right kind of man.
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I'll take it out. Thanks! See? That's why I posted for advice here! smile I want to meet the right kind of man.


I would make it more light hearted. You don't want people to think you are too intense. People want to have fun. Intense can come later when you find the right match. First kick up your heels and laugh a lot.

After posting, you will get best results if you actively search on the site. Don't sit back and wait for people to contact you. Plan hope doesn't work for dating either! Keyword search on a sport or hobby and then read the profiles that come back as a match to see what they say about themselves. When you contact them, be sure to mention things that will show you bothered to read. Flattery will get you everywhere!
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/14/13 11:47 PM
Hmmmmm....will have to think on how to lighten it up while still getting my wants/needs across.

Oh, I'm actively looking, sending messages, etc. Problem is...that I can't get them to respond back to a simple Hi, how are you? Or, I'm attracting non-attractive and old men. I'm only 53, and I'm of average build hwp. I've been told that I'm very pretty, soooooo...I can afford to be a bit choosey? SMH IDK...seems that my age range of 49-54, THEY want young things...trophies I guess. frown
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 12:04 AM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Hmmmmm....will have to think on how to lighten it up while still getting my wants/needs across.

You can't, that will never work. Just keep it light.

Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Oh, I'm actively looking, sending messages, etc. Problem is...that I can't get them to respond back to a simple Hi, how are you?

'Hi how are you' is never going to work. You need to say that you read his profile and noticed he was a fellow chopper pilot/Arctic explorer (delete as appropriate). Then write amusingly about what you are up to. Leave it at that.

Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Or, I'm attracting non-attractive and old men. I'm only 53, and I'm of average build hwp. I've been told that I'm very pretty, soooooo...I can afford to be a bit choosey? SMH IDK...seems that my age range of 49-54, THEY want young things...trophies I guess. frown


Not at all, real men absolutely do not want trophies. They want women of their own age. The problem is that the ratio of men to women in this age group on line means they get 20 hits a day. You have to stand out.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 01:17 AM
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 02:03 AM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Well why be a math teacher?
Why not just hit yourself in the head with a hammer and loose half of your IQ?
That will widen your available dating pool
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 02:10 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Well why be a math teacher?
Why not just hit yourself in the head with a hammer and loose half of your IQ?
That will widen your available dating pool


Tsk behave yourself Jedi.

Alpha males are attractive to and are attracted by alpha females. Don't try to be something you are not. The pool is smaller by definition.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:13 AM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Hmmmmm....will have to think on how to lighten it up while still getting my wants/needs across.
I like the sincerity in your profile, StillTrying. And I like your "voice."

Something I focus on in my profile is that this is my "Advertisement." I'm not online to get my needs met...I'm there to "sell myself" to the right audience, my target audience. Then, when he contacts me I can decide whether he is the type of man I'm looking for. The first date usually tells me more, and so on, if I choose to continue.

So, I haven't put anything about my needs or wants in my profile. But I DO describe what I'm looking for in a man, in a light-hearted way. It's a very high standard, and men usually write me trying to convince me that they are "the One." It's pretty freaking cute.

I say very little about myself, and drop just enough bread-crumbs to be intriguing. (credit to a fellow poster for the term "bread crumbs!")

It seems to be working, because I usually receive 30-40 emails a day from men, and I've chosen to meet 22 of them in the past 6 months. BTW I do NOT look like Ms. America (nor Ms. Brazil, let me tell ya!), I am 41 and I have 3 kiddos. Anyhoo, "Sell Him in 60 seconds," is my motto.

People have short attention spans. There are thousands of women available to him at the click of the mouse. I want him to be hungry for more of ME.

Give 'em a little...they'll beg for more! Just my $.02.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:40 AM
My profile, in case anyone is truly bored and just needs something to help you fall asleep: sleep

ABOUT ME AND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
Mostly, I would like to learn more about you!

Do you have a fun, quirky sense of humor? Then you are my dream.
If you are clean-cut, possibly with glasses, then you are especially attractive to me, so I will be on. my. guard.
Are you respectful of all people, of life? Are you thoughtful and considerate? Then you'll have to catch me, because I will swoon.

I enjoy being feminine - in an understated, classy way. I am careful to live a life of honesty and gentleness. I can be strong when necessary, and I will deeply appreciate your strength.

Finally, please give [SOMETHING] either a thumb's up or down: separating the wheat from the chaff, as it were...



(This stuff is further down, and some don't bother to read it, but I can tell the ones who DO)

FOR FUN:
I am a total nerd: I read a lot, I like documentaries and a few quirky comedies, I play piano and scrabble. I am an artist and an armchair philosopher, so I enjoy observing life and asking 'why.' I love to spend time with the people I care about!

HOT SPOTS:
I thrive on world travel, so it is difficult to narrow down my favorite place: probably a toss-up between Cairo and Zanzibar. This said, I would like to gain a greater appreciation for [MY TOWN], so if you have ideas, please share.

FAVORITE THINGS:
Laughing and enjoying the company of fascinating people.
Solving complex problems: both personal and professional.
Thoughtfully-prepared food.
Flowers. Babies. Kittens. (I'm a girl...of course I love these things! - smile)

LAST READ:
When Bad Things Happen to Good People - H Kushner. Anything that is real or 'tragic' appeals to me. My all-time favorite book is Anna Karenina, but I won't bore you by spelling out why. It's probably trite, but I love Shakespeare.

(MY PHOTOS: I make sure to write a comment on every photo. Usually I make fun of myself in them, because it's just ridiculous to have a bunch of pictures of ME in various locales, outfits, etc. Seriously. Like a Flat Stanley or something.)

...do these get erased automatically? I wish they didn't. It helps me to see other people's ideas.sigh
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:54 AM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
I'm attracting non-attractive and old men. I'm only 53, and I'm of average build hwp. I've been told that I'm very pretty, soooooo...I can afford to be a bit choosey? SMH IDK...seems that my age range of 49-54, THEY want young things...trophies I guess. frown
Dear, I think we're ALL attracting those non-attractive and old men. I swear they're hired by the sites make us grateful in our darkest single-lady hours!! I've "no thank you'd" a few of them several times, and finally had to block them. I think they rapid-fire emails to every women online. Bless them. Please don't think their attention has anything to do with YOUR value.

I must admit, I've gone out with several men in their mid-50s (I'm 41). I did observe why one isn't dating women his age: He is less secure in himself, has some bad relationship habits, and I suspect he is looking for a woman who will "put up with" things while admiring him. Good luck with that, bub. (THAT was a total DJ! Sorry, Mid-50s dude!)

Bottom line: you CAN afford to be choosy! You don't need lots of men, you only need ONE. weightlifter

Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 02:17 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Well why be a math teacher?
Why not just hit yourself in the head with a hammer and loose half of your IQ?
That will widen your available dating pool

I apologize I lumped IQ in with math teacher. Being a math teacher will reduce my salary. That's what I was referring to...sorry for the confusion.
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 02:26 PM
I think, more critical than the words are the photos you put up.

I hear tell that one should be a close up of a smiling face, one should be full body so you can show you are not hiding anything and you should have one of you doing an activity (walking a dog or fishing or whatever) to show you like to have fun and are adorable doing it.

Men are very visual.

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 03:24 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Well why be a math teacher?
Why not just hit yourself in the head with a hammer and loose half of your IQ?
That will widen your available dating pool

I apologize I lumped IQ in with math teacher. Being a math teacher will reduce my salary. That's what I was referring to...sorry for the confusion.

I think you misunderstood me, or I used tge wrong analogy.
I believe you should strive to excel and it would be wrong (as wrong as purposely dumbing yourself down by beating your head with a hhammer and causing brain damage) to stop trying to excel for the purpose of being more attractive or purpose of having a bigger dating pool.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 04:37 PM
I like your profile, Z! It's a great balance between communicating who you are/what you're looking for without actually saying THIS IS WHO I'M LOOKING FOR.
Men like playful, and brief.

I had posted my profile here a while back and it was removed, but I do hope a few people saw it and that it helped them. Because, not to pat myself on the back too hard, it was very effective.

I sincerely hope I never have to go back on any dating site. My sweet BF (who saw my profile, wrote to me and said "you really do sound awesome", which I am) and I both deleted our accounts for good. It's not even been 3 months, but he's the real deal.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 04:40 PM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
I don't play games...I'm too old.

Get rid of this ASAP!! Never call yourself old. 'Old' does not sound attractive (in personality even if you are physically attractive)...and is probably why you are getting old and unattractive men.

Your "ideal date" sounds old too...sorry but it does. I would get rid of "late lunch" or "early dinner"...stick with "sharing a meal" or just get rid of the words "late" and "early." When I read "early dinner", I think senior citizen early bird specials!! More reason you get old men responses.

I agree with others that you need to lighten up your profile.
Posted By: stilltryingx2 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 05:16 PM
Thank you all!!! Especially Zhamila! All the advice I have received is exactly what I am looking for. I have re-vamped my profiles and will do more now with the new advice. I do have the close up smiling pics as well as the ones showing my whole person having fun. Smiling in them all. I don't understand how people can think someone might message them if they are all sour faced. You guys totally rock! smile
Posted By: kerala Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 05:41 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Well why be a math teacher?
Why not just hit yourself in the head with a hammer and loose half of your IQ?
That will widen your available dating pool

I apologize I lumped IQ in with math teacher. Being a math teacher will reduce my salary. That's what I was referring to...sorry for the confusion.

I think you misunderstood me, or I used tge wrong analogy.
I believe you should strive to excel and it would be wrong (as wrong as purposely dumbing yourself down by beating your head with a hhammer and causing brain damage) to stop trying to excel for the purpose of being more attractive or purpose of having a bigger dating pool.

Yep.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 05:45 PM
Originally Posted by kerala
Yep.

x 3

Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:02 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
Hey ... Can you guys explain this alpha/beta male thing? I have heard of it, but I am not quite sure what it is.

How does a woman know what she wants?

I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

Dr. Harley suggests a woman should make less than a man, and you should date like minded folks. I am thinking of just being a high school math teacher next year to solve this problem.

Thoughts?

Having a good income, your own life and independence are alpha female traits. Everyone needs alpha traits for attraction - which is why you take care of yourself in plan A, and beta caring traits for comfort in a relationship - which is why you take care of your partner in plan A.

For males, alpha is physical and social presence, money, power, danger. In its most extreme form it's why women write to guys in prison.

Beta for males is watching the kids on girls night, vacuuming the house, earning a living in a bad economy.

Hope this helps.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:12 PM
I can't attract the alpha male can I? Even if they say they are alpha or act alpha ... that isn't really who I am getting, correct?

I get the beta male, don't I? Can I throw this out there? It seems many think they are alpha males, but in all reality they are beta. They act tough, but deep inside they are full on insecurity. They want massive amounts of admiration, and criticism sends them into a tail spin.

I find men who think they are alpha are quite sensitive. Is this the norm?

Men do not like Alpha Females. I can tell you this ... the vast majority do not like them as wives. I seem to want the alpha as my mate, but yet I am too strong for them.

Help, what can I do to fix this?
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:19 PM
Originally Posted by Reynolds531
earning a living in a bad economy.

How is this beta?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:23 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
My profile, in case anyone is truly bored and just needs something to help you fall asleep: sleep

ABOUT ME AND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
Mostly, I would like to learn more about you!

Do you have a fun, quirky sense of humor? Then you are my dream.
If you are clean-cut, possibly with glasses, then you are especially attractive to me, so I will be on. my. guard.
Are you respectful of all people, of life? Are you thoughtful and considerate? Then you'll have to catch me, because I will swoon.

I enjoy being feminine - in an understated, classy way. I am careful to live a life of honesty and gentleness. I can be strong when necessary, and I will deeply appreciate your strength.

Finally, please give [SOMETHING] either a thumb's up or down: separating the wheat from the chaff, as it were...



(This stuff is further down, and some don't bother to read it, but I can tell the ones who DO)

FOR FUN:
I am a total nerd: I read a lot, I like documentaries and a few quirky comedies, I play piano and scrabble. I am an artist and an armchair philosopher, so I enjoy observing life and asking 'why.' I love to spend time with the people I care about!

HOT SPOTS:
I thrive on world travel, so it is difficult to narrow down my favorite place: probably a toss-up between Cairo and Zanzibar. This said, I would like to gain a greater appreciation for [MY TOWN], so if you have ideas, please share.

FAVORITE THINGS:
Laughing and enjoying the company of fascinating people.
Solving complex problems: both personal and professional.
Thoughtfully-prepared food.
Flowers. Babies. Kittens. (I'm a girl...of course I love these things! - smile)

LAST READ:
When Bad Things Happen to Good People - H Kushner. Anything that is real or 'tragic' appeals to me. My all-time favorite book is Anna Karenina, but I won't bore you by spelling out why. It's probably trite, but I love Shakespeare.

(MY PHOTOS: I make sure to write a comment on every photo. Usually I make fun of myself in them, because it's just ridiculous to have a bunch of pictures of ME in various locales, outfits, etc. Seriously. Like a Flat Stanley or something.)

...do these get erased automatically? I wish they didn't. It helps me to see other people's ideas.sigh

Zhamila,

Your profile is amazing, it would certainly have my attention. It's full of personality, witty, clever, communicates, down to earth, gives the feeling that you are approachable, and even has some bait-the-hook in it.

I think most 'quality' dudes would immediately know that a simple 'howdy' isn't going to cut it with this girl. I know that I would be thinking this girl is on it, and then start working on a crafty/witty message that teases, introduces myself and my personality, and hints at what I have to offer.

I find it interesting that you describe yourself as nerdy. I am also nerdy (I have Sr and Engineer in my job title), but I didn't mention it because I think dude nerdy gives the impression of 'gamer' while chick nerdy gives the impression of 'smart'. Perhaps I should change that.

Let me try this one on the women in the group. What does a woman think when she reads this:

One thing I really enjoy is flying. My childhood dream of taking to the sky and enjoying the freedom of flight came true a few years ago when I got my pilot's license. Flying allows me to see new places, explore the glaciers and mountains, and share those experiences with my friends and family.

ak
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:38 PM
Here is my take on Alpha/Beta:

Simply put, people tend to gravitate towards one of the two following world views:

Go-getter:

I'm ok with who I am.
I'm driven to succeed.
I'm responsible for my own actions.
I take care of myself.
I'll take the initiative.
I'll step up and be the leader.

Down-and-outer:

I don't like myself.
I don't believe I have the ability to change my life.
I do things to try and earn other peoples affection and respect.
I need others around me to encourage me in order to be ok.
If there is a leader around then I'll follow so that I can earn their respect.

I believe that people try to assign alpha and beta to this in order to have a generic term that describes ambition and security, however, I think extreme Alphas are more like narcissists, and really don't care about anyone but themselves.

I tend to be attracted to 'alpha' females because the 'betas' don't tend to work on themselves and grow, but I certainly don't want to be around the extreme narcissist women. They are so focused on their independence and achievements that they miss the point of having a relationship.

ak
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 06:42 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
One thing I really enjoy is flying. My childhood dream of taking to the sky and enjoying the freedom of flight came true a few years ago when I got my pilot's license. Flying allows me to see new places, explore the glaciers and mountains, and share those experiences with my friends and family.

**LIKE**

Dude nerdy doesn't have to mean 'gamer' if you pick the right description. A gamer would be unappealing to me...and probably many women.

One man I found very interesting stated that he liked to take things apart and put them back together again. He never mentioned his profession. Between that, him mentioning he enjoyed sci-fi, and hunting through junk stores he showed his 'nerdy' side but it was balanced out with his enjoyment of action movies, beer, choice of music and activities...it was an attractive mix.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 07:01 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
I can't attract the alpha male can I? Even if they say they are alpha or act alpha ... that isn't really who I am getting, correct?

I get the beta male, don't I? Can I throw this out there? It seems many think they are alpha males, but in all reality they are beta. They act tough, but deep inside they are full on insecurity. They want massive amounts of admiration, and criticism sends them into a tail spin.

I find men who think they are alpha are quite sensitive. Is this the norm?

Men do not like Alpha Females. I can tell you this ... the vast majority do not like them as wives. I seem to want the alpha as my mate, but yet I am too strong for them.

Help, what can I do to fix this?

I tend to agree with what you wrote. IME, many men claim they want a strong woman but can't handle it when they get one.

As far as 'fixing'...you can't 'fix' a man but if you are coming off TOO strong or intense early on, you should dial it back some. Take an honesty assessment of yourself.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 07:30 PM
BR ... I am not sure if I am too strong. My profiles online are as honest as they come. I think it comes to my own internal conflict.

My role as wife is my greatest role. I enjoy this role the best, and I feel I am the strongest at this role. But currently I am a single mom who has a job that pays me very well, and a life I built off that salary.

The two worlds collide, and it is difficult to come off career woman when interviewing for wife...because if that guy doesn't work, well I am still single mom career woman.

I am still just trying to find my grounding as to what I want for my future. As you know I am often internally fighting with myself because I want to be wife, but my reality is not that.

Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 08:36 PM
I didn't mean just what your profile says...I meant when you meet up for a date do you come off too strong (in words) with your mate/husband requirements? Or that you are all that and a bag of chips? KWIM? I would hear this complaint from some men about women and would look at if he was the 'problem' or her...or both.

The internal fighting...BTDT. Because you want to be the wife...that is more what I meant if you are coming off too strong. It can scare men away...even the non-wimpy ones.

I don't think you have to come off career woman when interviewing for wife either. That is what Jedi meant...he can correct me if I'm wrong...why dumb yourself down? A man should appreciate what you have to offer...at your best...not only accept you if he gets a dumbed down version. Personally, I would be insulted. A real alpha male would be insulted too.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 09:10 PM
I come off as wife because all my online dating profiles specifically state this as my goal.

Most men I agree to go on a date with have stated they are looking for a serious girlfriend and/or would like to remarry and/or are looking for "The One". I assume both of us meet with the same goal in mind ... he wants a great wife and I want a great husband. That is normally how I date (with online guys mostly)

I feel like I have always been upfront about my wants ... I want to be a wife. Yet when I get to the coffee date or the lunch date ... something seems off, like I am too strong.

I like your feedback and I will talk to the guys I work with to figure out how I should present myself.

Indie made a great statement ... on date #1 it is freeloader, but my date #2 & #3 it should move to renter. I feel like I do this.

If I get one inclination the man is not going to move to renter then I don't entertain another date. This has happened on several dates ... they told me what they wanted, I agreed to lunch, but their intentions was SF. I won't throw all men under the bus because this doesn't happen all the time.

I am having more success with the guys I work with because they get to see me in action. I bake homemade bread for them, cook them food, bring them desserts, and just spoil them with my favorite wife like things that I like to do. Most are thrilled to pieces by my actions. What I am trying to say is they get to see my wife like qualities, and some respond to that.

I will re-evaluate my body language. I am probably too strong for many online candidates.

Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/15/13 09:11 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
I am an engineer. My income is six figures. I am 5'6" tall, 137.5 pounds. I have a Master's degree, kids, a home, a vehicle.

Does any of this attract an alpha male, or am I too successful for them?

I consider myself an Alpha male. I am also an engineer, have a six figure income, pilot's license, airplane, nice house, kids, and a car. Like you I am ambitious, decisive, and know exactly what I want.

You wouldn't be too successful for me, actually, just perfect. here is why:

Because you know how to build a relationship, how to communicate, how to meet needs, follow POJA, and get your own needs met.

Honestly, that isn't super common. Most successful people people I've met are that way at the expense of their relationships.

Perhaps men think you will be like that, that you will be fiercely independent and pursue your goals at the expense of the relationship.

Honestly, I don't understand why you fine ladies aren't finding awesome men, I would love to meet any one of you.

ak



Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/16/13 01:50 AM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
I come off as wife because all my online dating profiles specifically state this as my goal.

Most men I agree to go on a date with have stated they are looking for a serious girlfriend and/or would like to remarry and/or are looking for "The One". I assume both of us meet with the same goal in mind ... he wants a great wife and I want a great husband. That is normally how I date (with online guys mostly)

I feel like I have always been upfront about my wants ... I want to be a wife. Yet when I get to the coffee date or the lunch date ... something seems off, like I am too strong.

Gotcha. I avoided men looking for "The One" (my divorce was new) so didn't expect a renter on date #2 or #3 but I know what you mean and experienced the same to a degree with online dating...expectations still weren't met to some degree...and I don't think I had any out there expectations.

I didn't meet my bf online but am glad I got the online experience.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 01:41 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
I like your profile, Z! It's a great balance between communicating who you are/what you're looking for without actually saying THIS IS WHO I'M LOOKING FOR.
Men like playful, and brief.

I had posted my profile here a while back and it was removed, but I do hope a few people saw it and that it helped them. Because, not to pat myself on the back too hard, it was very effective.

I sincerely hope I never have to go back on any dating site. My sweet BF (who saw my profile, wrote to me and said "you really do sound awesome", which I am) and I both deleted our accounts for good. It's not even been 3 months, but he's the real deal.
YOU CRACK ME UP!! smile

I did miss your profile, and was dying to read it after you got so many kudos!

I love that your man said, "You sound really awesome," and you thought, "I AM." Go girl!

Sooooo happy for you. loveheart
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 01:49 PM
Originally Posted by stilltryingx2
Thank you all!!! Especially Zhamila! All the advice I have received is exactly what I am looking for. I have re-vamped my profiles and will do more now with the new advice. I do have the close up smiling pics as well as the ones showing my whole person having fun. Smiling in them all. I don't understand how people can think someone might message them if they are all sour faced. You guys totally rock! smile

BIG SMILE!
Please come back and share your successes with us (oh...the failures are funny, so please share those too! LOL)

I'm excited to hear more. smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 02:07 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
My role as wife is my greatest role. I enjoy this role the best, and I feel I am the strongest at this role. But currently I am a single mom who has a job that pays me very well, and a life I built off that salary.

The two worlds collide, and it is difficult to come off career woman when interviewing for wife...because if that guy doesn't work, well I am still single mom career woman.

I am still just trying to find my grounding as to what I want for my future. As you know I am often internally fighting with myself because I want to be wife, but my reality is not that.

HSH, this breaks my heart for you. I would also love to be a wife again, to care for a good man and be cared for.

What helps me is to focus on my 'present.' Today is all I have, and today I'm a lucky mom with a great job and a pretty nice life. What I long for is a loving relationship.

HOWEVER - for right or wrong - I don't approach any date as "interviewing for wife." I am merely meeting a man who might have the qualities I'm looking for in a long-term relationship. I am interviewing HIM. grin

If you continue to value yourself and all that you have to offer the right man, you'll be able to focus on assessing whether HE is good enough for YOU.

...and any man without a job? NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. (heehee - I know you know this! It's just a joke)


The toughest part about dating (for me, anyway) is longing for a love relationship, but not showing it too much. There's a balance between being a "buyer" in your heart, and coming across as needy, or wanting just "anyone" who will settle down with you.

But I suspect this will be a moot point once I meet "the right one." We'll both sort of 'know,' from the beginning, and that feeling will grow as we learn more about each other.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 02:20 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Zhamila,

Your profile is amazing, it would certainly have my attention. It's full of personality, witty, clever, communicates, down to earth, gives the feeling that you are approachable, and even has some bait-the-hook in it.

I think most 'quality' dudes would immediately know that a simple 'howdy' isn't going to cut it with this girl. I know that I would be thinking this girl is on it, and then start working on a crafty/witty message that teases, introduces myself and my personality, and hints at what I have to offer.

I find it interesting that you describe yourself as nerdy. I am also nerdy (I have Sr and Engineer in my job title), but I didn't mention it because I think dude nerdy gives the impression of 'gamer' while chick nerdy gives the impression of 'smart'. Perhaps I should change that.

Thanks AK! I do get lots of witty emails. There are some funny dudes out there wink

I agree that "nerdy" is easier for a girl to say than for a guy.
I totes agree with Black Raven's assessment, here:

Originally Posted by black_raven
Dude nerdy doesn't have to mean 'gamer' if you pick the right description. A gamer would be unappealing to me...and probably many women.

One man I found very interesting stated that he liked to take things apart and put them back together again. He never mentioned his profession. Between that, him mentioning he enjoyed sci-fi, and hunting through junk stores he showed his 'nerdy' side but it was balanced out with his enjoyment of action movies, beer, choice of music and activities...it was an attractive mix.

YES! Very attractive mix. Though I admit the action movies & beer wouldn't flip my switch. LOL. I guess I'm a "nerd purist!"

Did I mention that Dream Dude's favorite movie was, "The Music Man?" It was the nerdiest thing I've ever heard. I swooned...

There is NO accounting for taste! mr eek
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 02:43 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Let me try this one on the women in the group. What does a woman think when she reads this:

One thing I really enjoy is flying. My childhood dream of taking to the sky and enjoying the freedom of flight came true a few years ago when I got my pilot's license. Flying allows me to see new places, explore the glaciers and mountains, and share those experiences with my friends and family.

Dude with plane? Very attractive.

I must admit to feeling a little ADD when I read it. I'm sure it's just me, but I'd probably catch it quicker if it was shorter. Dumbing it down for me helps. Something zippy, like:

(Photo of you in cockpit, giving the 'thumbs up.') Caption: "Yes. I am Superman. I can fly."

OR

"I have a weird view of the world. Probably from hanging out at high altitudes too much (I'm a pilot hobbyist)."

OR

"I get a rush from flying in my free time. But not nearly as much of a rush as I'll feel when I meet the right woman."

Again, this is just ME. I'm sort of a USA Today kinda gal in that I like succinct - but rich - content in a profile. And witty/self-deprecating helps me see the guy isn't too arrogant. wink
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 03:12 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Though I admit the action movies & beer wouldn't flip my switch. LOL.

LOL Zhamila. I do like action movies...the superhero movies are nerdish and I LOVE those. As for the beer...to me that is an indicator that the man is laid back and not pretentious. Until I meet him in person, I took the "beer" comment that way. Now if he turned out to be Homer Simpson that is another story lol...and bye bye. smile
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 09:08 PM
Courtesy of Yahoo.com -
I personally am not so sure that #4 is "surefire" - I think that one can BACKfire if one is not careful about what he/she chooses to tease about!

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5313&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=707829
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/18/13 09:11 PM
Action Movies + Beer + Sports + Knows how to fix things = My kind of guy



Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/19/13 04:31 AM
Originally Posted by black_raven
As for the beer...to me that is an indicator that the man is laid back and not pretentious. Until I meet him in person, I took the "beer" comment that way. Now if he turned out to be Homer Simpson that is another story lol...and bye bye. smile


Buh-bye!!

[Linked Image from thesecretdiaryoflawrencefrank.files.wordpress.com]

Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 02:11 AM
I've never understood the Simpsons, I mean, what is so funny about that?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 04:38 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
I've never understood the Simpsons, I mean, what is so funny about that?

My dad says that only an idiot adult would watch cartoons.
I started watching it and found humor with simpsons, and othet adult cartoons
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 04:41 AM
Online information:

Lately, I have been having quite a few text conversations with a woman nearly 2000 miles away.
I know this can't proceed far but Its given me opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex and I have enjoyed it
She found me on facebook, after reading one of my comments and tgat is where the communication started.
And yes, she is divorced. (I actually checked with the court website to verify)
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 06:26 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Online information:

Lately, I have been having quite a few text conversations with a woman nearly 2000 miles away.
I know this can't proceed far but Its given me opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex and I have enjoyed it
She found me on facebook, after reading one of my comments and tgat is where the communication started.
And yes, she is divorced. (I actually checked with the court website to verify)

Actually when I text with her I feel like I love her.
I assume its because shes meeting my needs for conversation?
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 01:09 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Online information:

Lately, I have been having quite a few text conversations with a woman nearly 2000 miles away.
I know this can't proceed far but Its given me opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex and I have enjoyed it
She found me on facebook, after reading one of my comments and tgat is where the communication started.
And yes, she is divorced. (I actually checked with the court website to verify)

Actually when I text with her I feel like I love her.
I assume its because shes meeting my needs for conversation?


Is she physically attractive? Does she say admiring things to you? Those would be my guesses...
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 03:05 PM
Just a note about the Simpsons......

you could not find a more devoted husband than Homer Simpson.

He adored his wife Marge!
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 03:22 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Online information:

Lately, I have been having quite a few text conversations with a woman nearly 2000 miles away.
I know this can't proceed far but Its given me opportunity to practice communication with the opposite sex and I have enjoyed it
She found me on facebook, after reading one of my comments and tgat is where the communication started.
And yes, she is divorced. (I actually checked with the court website to verify)

Actually when I text with her I feel like I love her.
I assume its because shes meeting my needs for conversation?

This is why you need to keep more friendships going. Your are fresh in this world. The admiration can be intoxicating in the beginning.

Pull yourself back, and engage others in IC. That way you can start to compare/contrast the outcome. It gives you something to grow from...like an initial baseline.

Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 03:40 PM
Is this someone you used to know and re-connected with?
Why only text conversations vs. a regular, speaking conversation?

If this is the first woman since your divorce to meet your need for conversation, that explains your feelings. It's "easier" when you're texting ... you get brave.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 04:02 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
Is this someone you used to know and re-connected with?
Why only text conversations vs. a regular, speaking conversation?

If this is the first woman since your divorce to meet your need for conversation, that explains your feelings. It's "easier" when you're texting ... you get brave.

No. I didn't reconnect with her
I met her on facebook. She liked (I mean appreciated, not clicking like button) a comment I made on a page and she sent me a friend request.
Yhen we started talking.

Yes it has been text because I have terrible phone service in my house.
I've tried to cut my phone bill and go to VOIP phone and I can't talk in my house.
I can j n other areas.
I will be moving soon and have high speed jnternet when I do
Posted By: black_raven Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/21/13 04:04 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Originally Posted by black_raven
As for the beer...to me that is an indicator that the man is laid back and not pretentious. Until I meet him in person, I took the "beer" comment that way. Now if he turned out to be Homer Simpson that is another story lol...and bye bye. smile


Buh-bye!!

[Linked Image from thesecretdiaryoflawrencefrank.files.wordpress.com]

Homie! loveheart LOL
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/26/13 03:17 AM
I would LOVE to hear more about spotting redflag redflag in online profiles...green flags, too!

I've run the first-date gauntlet 23 times, and I think I'm being pretty discerning pre-first-date. Unfortunately, not one man floated my boat (OK!OK!, Dream Dude doesn't count cause I met him in person! He made my boat jump out of the water...)

What do others look for before accepting a first date? I don't want to waste their/my time, and I'm not sure I've got the energy to do another round of 23!

What did all you successful online-daters-turned-fiancees look for?

(Can you tell I'm getting ready to un-hide my profile again?) wink
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/26/13 12:27 PM
Z, lol hon my fiancee had *just* got on line. The photo didn't do him justice, it was totally washed out. His profile was barely filled out. But he was very easy to talk to.

I didn't take much time to get myself back together. I think you are doing great with that. A friend who is happily married to a guy she met online would talk to multiple guys for months, they would drop out, and the ones who were left, she knew they had a good connection to be able to sustain that, and weren't just looking for someone to jump into bed with.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/26/13 03:38 PM
I think you just have to go with your gut instincts. I wanted to meet anyone I had a good email exchange with. Timely responses that were conversational and not just a one-line response where he was thinking about what he was writing. I wanted to meet anyone who was funny - dry, boring emails will not keep my attention. If a man took days to respond and when he did it was short, or there were grammatical or spelling errors, I didn't like it. 1) I need more attention than that, and 2) I feel spelling and grammar are important. It says a lot about a person.

I liked my BFs profile when I saw it, but I wouldn't have met him if he hadn't found me because he was outside of my age-range. I had it capped at 5 years older than me, and he's 7 years older. I didn't think I was likely to find a man older than 40 who still wanted kids. And, to be 100% honest, I wasn't sure if I would be attracted to him in person. He had several photos posted but none of them did him any justice. But I liked his personality as we kept exchanging emails and when I met him in person I was like, Whoa! Not what I had expected. He's actually gorgeous, at least I think so. smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/27/13 04:21 AM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Z, lol hon my fiancee had *just* got on line. The photo didn't do him justice, it was totally washed out. His profile was barely filled out. But he was very easy to talk to.

I didn't take much time to get myself back together. I think you are doing great with that. A friend who is happily married to a guy she met online would talk to multiple guys for months, they would drop out, and the ones who were left, she knew they had a good connection to be able to sustain that, and weren't just looking for someone to jump into bed with.


NED, so happy for you! I have tried going out with guys I don't find super-attractive. Some of them are surprisingly easy to talk to - but I haven't gotten the butterflies yet.

Ugh, I almost don't want to do this again. It's tiring.

OK, off to learn more! I'll probably wait til the holidays are finished. Thanks for the tip, NED smile

Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/27/13 04:27 AM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
I think you just have to go with your gut instincts. I wanted to meet anyone I had a good email exchange with. Timely responses that were conversational and not just a one-line response where he was thinking about what he was writing. I wanted to meet anyone who was funny - dry, boring emails will not keep my attention. If a man took days to respond and when he did it was short, or there were grammatical or spelling errors, I didn't like it. 1) I need more attention than that, and 2) I feel spelling and grammar are important. It says a lot about a person.

I liked my BFs profile when I saw it, but I wouldn't have met him if he hadn't found me because he was outside of my age-range. I had it capped at 5 years older than me, and he's 7 years older. I didn't think I was likely to find a man older than 40 who still wanted kids. And, to be 100% honest, I wasn't sure if I would be attracted to him in person. He had several photos posted but none of them did him any justice. But I liked his personality as we kept exchanging emails and when I met him in person I was like, Whoa! Not what I had expected. He's actually gorgeous, at least I think so. smile


I like this, JustMe! Conversation has to be good via email - and funny is a must for me, too. grin

And you took a chance on him, even though you weren't sure you'd be attracted to him? That's awesome. I guess when it clicks, it clicks. So happy for you! smile

So...is he MB material, and how can you tell? Was it hard to fall in love again/let down your guard? Or did it just 'feel right?'

That's probably my greatest struggle right now: nobody feels even close to right. I mean...other than the Felon *snort*
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/27/13 04:36 AM
...Come to think of it, I've noticed that certain guys' emails are really long - and they talk about themselves a LOT. Surprise surprise, in person they are self-absorbed. Hmmm. A clue?

And the one whose emails were funny, and our senses of humor 'clicked' - I enjoyed his company and we ended up dating for 1.5 months. (I found a few of his habits uncomfortable - and they weren't things he was willing to adjust, so "poof.") But it was at least a start! And I didn't find him physically attractive at first either, but grew to like him.

I appreciate the advice! It's helping me process and think about getting out there.

If anyone else wants to share, I'm all ears.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 11/27/13 08:06 PM
I think he is MB material. I've never talked to him about this site specifically, but we've had our POJA moments and they've happened naturally because it's just the right thing to do. He does exhibit "buyer" behavior as well. It's been so easy with him ... as they say, when you know, you know.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/03/13 03:56 AM
I was just looking through the relationship want adds while I was making dinner. This girl is seriously funny.

She titles her add, "Are those your skis? Both of them?" Then puts this in the title:

[Linked Image from images.craigslist.org]

I think this is the first time I ever laughed out loud looking at personals.

ak
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/03/13 02:16 PM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
I think he is MB material. I've never talked to him about this site specifically, but we've had our POJA moments and they've happened naturally because it's just the right thing to do. He does exhibit "buyer" behavior as well. It's been so easy with him ... as they say, when you know, you know.

Nice! That's great smile
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/03/13 07:49 PM
AK,
I really hope you send her a message, if only to say "You literally made me laugh out loud - thanks for that."
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/04/13 03:06 AM
Originally Posted by JustMe385
AK,
I really hope you send her a message, if only to say "You literally made me laugh out loud - thanks for that."

x2

Good idea! And if you throw in a joke of your own, well all the better. smile

I'll never forget the guy who sent me an email response to my "give Monty Python either a thumbs up or down," with:


I'm a lumberjack.
But it's ok.


I lol'd, and we dated for 1.5 months. He still makes me laugh.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 05:37 AM
So, a (male) friend told me his theory of online dating sites:

- Every person believes they are about a 20% "greater catch" than they actually are.
- Potential mates are judged based upon, "I'm 20% better than the general population."
- Dates are scrutinized and found lacking, not "as good as I am."
- Hence, horror stories abound about the boorish, stupid, insensitive, idiotic, ugly and bottom-of-the-barrel people we've met.
- We feel justified in our superiority and remain alone.
- We continue to troll the site, hoping for someone "worthy of our greatness."
- The Website continues to make $$ on our futile search.
- Eventually we tire of the game and settle for someone less-than-ideal (?perhaps?)


Kind of makes me wonder....could this be true?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 06:04 AM
That is a gross generalization and as far as those go, it sounds reasonable, but I don't think it's totally true. I've met a few ladies that are a catch, just not what I'm looking for.

I suppose it depends on your view of dating. If it's simply to find someone that meets your needs that enjoys the way you meet theirs, then I don't think your friend's theory is the case, but if you are looking for the trophy spouse then yea, I can totally see it.

Perhaps this I thinking is rooted in the instant gratification or society runs on.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 12:59 PM
Z, I think that folks are just getting better at not settling. Because look where that got us, back to step 1 years later. It sounds a lot like Dr. H's suggestion to date 30 to learn about yourself, what ENs you're good at meeting, what ENs you like met. Then they can look back and see who really stood out. And meanwhile maybe one was such a great fit that dating others wasn't so appealing anymore.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 01:00 PM
I agree ak, I think the instant gratification thing is huge.

As I look back over my experiences, I did meet a few catches - just not for me. In fact, one of them is engaged now.

But not everybody has the same experience online, and I met my share of colorful folks too. Getting "attention" has so much to do with appearance (1000's of comparisons at the click of a button, all ages), and you practically have to be a writer to say anything that stands out from the crowd. But I suppose real-live hanging in bars isn't much better. I've heard so many people tell jaded stories with weary eyes, and sometimes I wonder.

(sigh) Oh for an old-fashioned square dance and barn raising! When the men came a-courtin at the Widow Smith's after a respectable period of mourning. Those were the good old days. wink
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 01:12 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Z, I think that folks are just getting better at not settling. Because look where that got us, back to step 1 years later. It sounds a lot like Dr. H's suggestion to date 30 to learn about yourself, what ENs you're good at meeting, what ENs you like met. Then they can look back and see who really stood out. And meanwhile maybe one was such a great fit that dating others wasn't so appealing anymore.

I hope so NED! grin

My girlfriend was excited at first to find someone to "date" but now she realizes she's not really into him. She stays with him because it's easier than getting back out there. And another friend told me "maybe he'll never find someone he's really crazy about," he's tired of dating and just might marry his latest squeeze out of sheer exhaustion. If I think about it, the majority of my single friends aren't really "into" their dating partners, but they stay. It's a shame. frown
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 02:02 PM
Like you said before though, that can be okay if there was an initial spark there. Maybe you'll set such an awesome example that they'll want to try some of that relationship building stuff, too smile I think the key is whether they will make that transition from Renters, doing only the minimum because they see their partners as only minimal, to Buyers, who see the long term benefits of making the most of their situation.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 03:10 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
(sigh) Oh for an old-fashioned square dance and barn raising! When the men came a-courtin at the Widow Smith's after a respectable period of mourning. Those were the good old days. wink

Well, I've decided to have a ball! I have a 4000sf house so I'm going to have my servants decorate it with lights, order up a feast, and hire some musicians. We will announce everyone's name (and status) as they arrive, and I naturally will arrive last after everyone has sufficient time to discuss how I earn more than 10k a month, and explore my 5 bedroom home.

The men will discuss my rank (job), my accomplishments (I'm building a new airplane in my garage), and will desire to earn my respect, and the women will swoon at my ability to provide for myself and family, my diligence towards accomplishing the goals I have for my self, my manors and generosity towards them, and naturally my incredibly good looks.

I'll invite my closest friends to evaluate any potential matches, who will pay close attention to the beauty, sense of humor, wit, charm, maturity, and intelligence of any woman I am interested in, that is, if there are any.

What an interesting thought experiment. It is interesting to me because that is more or less how it was done in England (well so I'm lead to believe, I wasn't there), but I doubt it would go well these days as it would be viewed as prideful and arrogant. The funny part is that what I wrote is true, except I'm average to above average looking, I don't have any servants, and I toned down the income a bit.

It makes me wonder if things aren't really all that much different, and that what women really want is a great man who can provide comfort and security, has ambitions and goals, is secure in who he is and what he wants from life, is well respected, is full of integrity and ethics, who she can partner with, and push to achieve even greater levels of success together with him.

If I am right, how does this man find this woman, and how does she find this man? Online dating is starting to sound woefully inadequate.

ak



Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 03:57 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
So, a (male) friend told me his theory of online dating sites:

- Every person believes they are about a 20% "greater catch" than they actually are.
- Potential mates are judged based upon, "I'm 20% better than the general population."
- Dates are scrutinized and found lacking, not "as good as I am."
- Hence, horror stories abound about the boorish, stupid, insensitive, idiotic, ugly and bottom-of-the-barrel people we've met.
- We feel justified in our superiority and remain alone.
- We continue to troll the site, hoping for someone "worthy of our greatness."
- The Website continues to make $$ on our futile search.
- Eventually we tire of the game and settle for someone less-than-ideal (?perhaps?)


Kind of makes me wonder....could this be true?


Here's an article written by a co-founder of OK Cupid on why its not a good idea to pay for online dating sites

http://www.columbia.edu/~jhb2147/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating.html
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 05:10 PM
I found some guidelines on how to write a profile here:

http://www.mensfitness.com/women/dating-advice/online-dating-101
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/11/13 07:23 PM
Recommend you limit your search to a radius of no more than 10 miles from where you live. Avoids all kinds of potential problems and makes the 30 dates rule a lot easier!
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/12/13 03:39 AM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Like you said before though, that can be okay if there was an initial spark there. Maybe you'll set such an awesome example that they'll want to try some of that relationship building stuff, too smile I think the key is whether they will make that transition from Renters, doing only the minimum because they see their partners as only minimal, to Buyers, who see the long term benefits of making the most of their situation.

NED, you're always so wise smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/12/13 03:41 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by Zhamila
(sigh) Oh for an old-fashioned square dance and barn raising! When the men came a-courtin at the Widow Smith's after a respectable period of mourning. Those were the good old days. wink

Well, I've decided to have a ball! I have a 4000sf house so I'm going to have my servants decorate it with lights, order up a feast, and hire some musicians. We will announce everyone's name (and status) as they arrive, and I naturally will arrive last after everyone has sufficient time to discuss how I earn more than 10k a month, and explore my 5 bedroom home.

The men will discuss my rank (job), my accomplishments (I'm building a new airplane in my garage), and will desire to earn my respect, and the women will swoon at my ability to provide for myself and family, my diligence towards accomplishing the goals I have for my self, my manors and generosity towards them, and naturally my incredibly good looks.

I'll invite my closest friends to evaluate any potential matches, who will pay close attention to the beauty, sense of humor, wit, charm, maturity, and intelligence of any woman I am interested in, that is, if there are any.

What an interesting thought experiment. It is interesting to me because that is more or less how it was done in England (well so I'm lead to believe, I wasn't there), but I doubt it would go well these days as it would be viewed as prideful and arrogant. The funny part is that what I wrote is true, except I'm average to above average looking, I don't have any servants, and I toned down the income a bit.

It makes me wonder if things aren't really all that much different, and that what women really want is a great man who can provide comfort and security, has ambitions and goals, is secure in who he is and what he wants from life, is well respected, is full of integrity and ethics, who she can partner with, and push to achieve even greater levels of success together with him.

If I am right, how does this man find this woman, and how does she find this man? Online dating is starting to sound woefully inadequate.

I want to go! I do think the old fashioned balls would've been fun. Except - you know - those were the pre-deodorant days...
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/12/13 04:11 AM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I want to go! I do think the old fashioned balls would've been fun. Except - you know - those were the pre-deodorant days...

That's ok, I don't smell either. Didn't I mention that? shocked
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/12/13 04:16 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Here's an article written by a co-founder of OK Cupid on why its not a good idea to pay for online dating sites

http://www.columbia.edu/~jhb2147/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating.html

Both of those were great articles. Thanks Jedi!!
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/12/13 04:21 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I want to go! I do think the old fashioned balls would've been fun. Except - you know - those were the pre-deodorant days...

That's ok, I don't smell either. Didn't I mention that? shocked

What a relief! Glad you can't smell...because I DO. rotflmao
Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/13/13 07:25 AM
I've rewritten my dating profile which i created last year with little or no effect (a paid datingsite).

I've added a picture this time and was more explicit in what I am looking for: to meet intelligent woman who are open and honest.

From that moment on I am receiving one email per week!

Since I am still in Asia for at least another month, this creates an opportunity & a topic for e-mail conversation.

Did not expect response like this...
Posted By: SingleAndHappy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/20/13 10:35 PM
I just came back here after some time away. I am surprised that my post has resulted in so many replies!
Posted By: Reynolds531 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/23/13 04:10 AM
Are we allowed to post external links on here for advice on dating? Or were these just missed by the mods?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/23/13 02:59 PM
Originally Posted by Reynolds531
Are we allowed to post external links on here for advice on dating? Or were these just missed by the mods?
You could always hit Notify and ask the MODS.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/23/13 04:53 PM
Originally Posted by BHINWI
I just came back here after some time away. I am surprised that my post has resulted in so many replies!
It was a great dialogue, BHINWI!

Were your questions answered? Got any more juicy kickstarters?
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/23/13 05:00 PM
Originally Posted by geroldmodel
I've rewritten my dating profile which i created last year with little or no effect (a paid datingsite).

I've added a picture this time and was more explicit in what I am looking for: to meet intelligent woman who are open and honest.

From that moment on I am receiving one email per week!

Since I am still in Asia for at least another month, this creates an opportunity & a topic for e-mail conversation.

Did not expect response like this...

Good idea to add a picture!

I only respond to men who have at least a few photos. Otherwise, I think, "he's either married, hideously ugly, or a serial killer."

I don't sound pessimistic at all, do I? wink
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/23/13 05:04 PM
If I were looking for dates, I would also be checking your height to make sure you were taller than me. That may not be important to some women, but it would be important to me.
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 01:50 AM
Yes. Pictures.

No selfies with your phone or shirt off or with your ex.

Have someone take a few photos of you while you are doing stuff with them and pick a couple where you look like you are active and are like-able to people in general.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 03:46 AM
Why would you have a picture of you with your ex on a DATING WEBSITE, anyway?

How do people NOT know that's wrong? If I saw it I'd back off.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 04:10 AM
I'm becoming increasingly irritated with all the married women ookcupid OKCupid.
They list themselves as "single"; and later reveal they are "getting divorced".....

Half of the women I have had messages with are married!

I put the brakes on when I find out, but I get the impression that a man of low repute could get them in the sack pretty easily....
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 04:12 AM
And then they wonder why they can't find a good man.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 04:43 AM
I am often tempted to just go with these women.
They speak greatly.
But Proverbs warns that the words of an adulteress are as sweet wine, but her path leads to the gates of hell.
We must guard ourselves carefully.
Posted By: normalguy Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 05:08 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I am often tempted to just go with these women.
They speak greatly.
But Proverbs warns that the words of an adulteress are as sweet wine, but her path leads to the gates of hell.
We must guard ourselves carefully.


Good for you Jedi. You're being a decent honorable person.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 06:11 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I am often tempted to just go with these women.
They speak greatly.
But Proverbs warns that the words of an adulteress are as sweet wine, but her path leads to the gates of hell.
We must guard ourselves carefully.

It can be tempting when you are lonely, especially around the holidays, but don't give in. These women are adulteresses and almost certainly renters. They aren't good for you or your children.

ak

Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 01:36 PM
Probably many of the women are lonely themselves. They are trying to feel attractive and alive in the midst of the sorrow of divorce.
They just don't know how to be alone until the divorce is final.

Steer clear of them but have compassion that many are lovely people.

You want someone who doesn't have to be in a relationship to feel whole.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 12/24/13 04:37 PM
Originally Posted by reading
You want someone who doesn't have to be in a relationship to feel whole.


That is certainly true but take care not to confuse this with the court process. In NY state it often takes five years from the time of separation to divorce. That is a long time to be alone. My divorce took six years and would have taken longer if XH had not messed up his appeal (he forgot to ask for a stay). I have a friend whose divorce took nine years. Her husband abandoned her with newborn twin boys and a two year old boy. Believe it or not, the issues were over custody!

A newly divorced person may or may not have recovered enough for a new relationship. Her legal status alone will not give you this information.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/01/14 02:38 PM
My engagement didn't work out how I had expected. My suggestion is to verify everything you can that someone is telling you. Especially if the person says they are divorced, no matter how honest they sound, even if you've met their family, before getting serious, check the public record to make sure that's correct.

faint
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/01/14 03:35 PM
Great advice NewEveryDay.

Sorry about the engagement, but, indeed you found out in time! Phew!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/01/14 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
If I were looking for dates, I would also be checking your height to make sure you were taller than me. That may not be important to some women, but it would be important to me.


Me too. It's why I had to go online. My friends were trying to set me up with shorties - and telling me it shouldn't matter! Good grief, it's like not liking mushrooms, you either do or you don't.

My bf is six-foot and his shoulder is in JUST the right place for snuggling.

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I'm becoming increasingly irritated with all the married women ookcupid OKCupid.
They list themselves as "single"; and later reveal they are "getting divorced".....

Half of the women I have had messages with are married!

I put the brakes on when I find out, but I get the impression that a man of low repute could get them in the sack pretty easily....


That drove me crazy too. Because most people don't wait for the divorce that means a very high proportion of online daters are separated.

One of the things I found most attractive about my bf's profile was that he specifically said (briefly and to the point) was that he didn't want to receive messages from anybody who was still married. Not only did I find that appealing, I also kicked myself for not having done it on mine to weed out the time wasters.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/01/14 05:01 PM
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by reading
You want someone who doesn't have to be in a relationship to feel whole.


That is certainly true but take care not to confuse this with the court process. In NY state it often takes five years from the time of separation to divorce. That is a long time to be alone. My divorce took six years and would have taken longer if XH had not messed up his appeal (he forgot to ask for a stay). I have a friend whose divorce took nine years. Her husband abandoned her with newborn twin boys and a two year old boy. Believe it or not, the issues were over custody!

A newly divorced person may or may not have recovered enough for a new relationship. Her legal status alone will not give you this information.


I take your point about a nine year wait for a divorce - that is extreme and deserves compassion but even that type of situation shouldn't translate into behaving as a single person online when you are not.

It is not fair to others who dont want to get mixed up in a divorce, or to come between a separated couple who very often reunite.

It also isn't fair to the person going through a divorce. If I had a friend going through a divorce I would tell them it is a jungle out there and to wait until they could proudly stand tall on their own single feet.

The 'getting divorced' label is a very vulnerable label and you may just as well ring the dinner bell for the vultures. I wouldn't like any divorcing friend of mine to go on to online dating sites.

I didn't do it myself, even when I felt quite happy and healed. It was hard enough keeping the vultures away with high boundaries offline.

If I had a friend who was struggling with the legalities I would tell her to either push the system, throw money at it or wait. It isn't possible to be free without that legal status and an ongoing divorce also disrupts healing because it is so upsetting.

Not the best mindset for dating.

Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/01/14 05:18 PM
My experience with the 30+ guys I've touched so far is it takes a lot of personal growth and work to change the bad habits of their previous marriage. Very few change and it's the ones who personally validate their mistakes and demonstrate their new habits via actions.

No matter how the first marriage ended ... personal growth, accountability, and better habits will lead you to success.
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 01:08 AM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
My engagement didn't work out how I had expected. My suggestion is to verify everything you can that someone is telling you. Especially if the person says they are divorced, no matter how honest they sound, even if you've met their family, before getting serious, check the public record to make sure that's correct.

faint


Yikes. I'm sorry... What happened?
Posted By: sillygirl0803 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 01:33 AM
I've only been remarried a few months and yeah I'm here. I met husband online. Here are a few oif my experiences in my dating about a year online.

I met four nice guys including H out of at least 12 or so initial meetings. One was going through a three year custody battle and we didn't date but he was very nice and could have been the right one if he had been divorced. One had been divorced three years but just didn't have the time for the kind of relationship I wanted. One had been divorced a few years but not really over it and I suspected a drinking problem. These were the normal ones.

I met several cheaters. Those only interested in the next best thing. Always keeping a profile open on multiple sites.

One guy was wealthy and seemed nice. Traveled for work. We were in contact for weeks. Two dates. On the second date I found out he had a foot fetish and because my apartment would fit in his kitchen that I should drop my panties for him immediately. When I didn't he told me I was an intimacy avoider. Ummmm no. I love intimacy. He stalked me a bit but then disappeared.

A couple just wanted sex. Immediately. I actually could have dated every night if I wanted. I got that many responses. I was not committed to any one person but casually dating a few when I met Hubby. Who told me he wasn't interested in anyone else pretty right away. But he also said that he had no reasonable expectation I would not stop dating everyone else. He wanted to. I did.
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 11:04 AM
Originally Posted by indiegirl
If I had a friend who was struggling with the legalities I would tell her to either push the system, throw money at it or wait. It isn't possible to be free without that legal status and an ongoing divorce also disrupts healing because it is so upsetting.

Not the best mindset for dating.


I agree and I really just posted this because things are never as simple as we would like. Healing and pieces of paper do not necessarily match up in a tidy way.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 12:01 PM
Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
My engagement didn't work out how I had expected. My suggestion is to verify everything you can that someone is telling you. Especially if the person says they are divorced, no matter how honest they sound, even if you've met their family, before getting serious, check the public record to make sure that's correct.

faint


Yikes. I'm sorry... What happened?

Yes, NED what happened? You ok? frown
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 02:10 PM
Yes, tc, Z, thanks, I'm okay, we've survived a *lot* worse, right?! I don't have much hope but for the moment I'm still trying to resolve things here. I'll be able to make more sense of it in hindsight I think.

Just figured it would be good to give folks a heads-up to keep this kinda thing from happening to anyone else.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 03:15 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Yes, tc, Z, thanks, I'm okay, we've survived a *lot* worse, right?! I don't have much hope but for the moment I'm still trying to resolve things here. I'll be able to make more sense of it in hindsight I think.

Just figured it would be good to give folks a heads-up to keep this kinda thing from happening to anyone else.

I lie of that magnitude is astonishing (seriously not being divorced and engaged to another woman).

Why aren't you running?
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 06:57 PM
That's why we're all here though right? Because sometimes we want to deal with the unfinished business before moving on. It's hard to turn on a dime, but I'm in the right place and going in the right direction so i have a lot of faith I'll get there.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 07:35 PM
Uggh, I feel for you NED. What a mess.

I think what we would all like a is relationship where our needs are met by someone we trust, and limited negative relational drama, it doesn't sound like your dude is on the right track to providing that.

Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 07:38 PM
I have had this experience more than once with online men - saying they are divorced when they really are not yet. Definitely anyone dating someone who says they are divorced should verify it ASAP.

I don't expect a man to be a completely open book out of the gate but if we can't get something like marital status straight then there is a serious honesty issue.

Yuck and good bye.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 08:00 PM
Well.....I have a story that beats all of this.....
can anyone guess what it might be?
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 08:20 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
That's why we're all here though right? Because sometimes we want to deal with the unfinished business before moving on. It's hard to turn on a dime, but I'm in the right place and going in the right direction so i have a lot of faith I'll get there.

Remember the first time your the victim ... if you go back then that makes you a volunteer.

What unfinished business is there? You've been here long enough to know the likelihood of someone at his age to change that habit (lying is a very very bad habit) is slim to none.

Granted anyone can change ... I accept that and am hopeful in people...but what part of marriage builders didn't he understand? Seriously ... if there is one thing on this forum that holds true, most if not all people understand thou shalt not lie EVER anymore!!! It's the basic foundation to everything.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/02/14 08:42 PM
So an update on me. I've been talking to the exWW about possible reconciliation. She has come to the place where she realizes that relationships need to be built and figures that it makes a lot of sense to build one with me because we can have our family back which isn't something that any other man can provide.

This is got my attention because it's inline with MB principles and because it shows a lot of growth on her part, but there are so many things we aren't aligned on, and I just wonder how much basic compatibility is required.

I know that Harley says that you can build compatibility and build a relationship that perhaps was never there, but I get the feeling that he only recommends this to heal a marriage, not to start a new relationship. So does post divorce count as healing a marriage or a new relationship?

If I met a girl that had the same disagreements as my exWW I would move on pretty quickly. As an example one thing we aren't in agreement on is tattoos and piercings. I tend to be old fashioned and find it ugly, she wants to let the boys pierce their ears, finds tattoos to be attractive, and wants me to get my ear pierced. It's like we live in two different worlds, and honestly I just don't want to deal with it.

One thing is for sure, this isn't helping me move on and be available to someone else.





Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 12:36 AM
It isn't helping you move on?
Thats why Harley recommends no contact with ex spouses. .....

If you go to the SAA thread you will see several marriages recovered after divorce.
Im going to post them here (after dinner)....

Harley addresses remarriage quite often and I would encourage you to email him your questions.
As a basic rule, the POJA must be followed.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 03:51 AM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Yes, tc, Z, thanks, I'm okay, we've survived a *lot* worse, right?! I don't have much hope but for the moment I'm still trying to resolve things here. I'll be able to make more sense of it in hindsight I think.

Just figured it would be good to give folks a heads-up to keep this kinda thing from happening to anyone else.

I am so sorry, NED. frown

Not sure if people on the forum have ever done a background check, but in my states there are good (FREE) online tools that show every court record: divorces, bankruptcies, foreclosures, arrests, etc. I look up every potential person and it's been helpful every time. That's how I found "the Felon" - and also how I knew one guy had lost his home before he ever told me...he was honest about it (I just waited for him to bring it up...he did, as soon as the relationship had progressed enough that he felt it was important - about 3 weeks). Anyway, perhaps you did this? Perhaps he lied and said the divorce happened in another state?

Again, I'm very very sorry NED. Things seemed to be going so well. ((((hugs))))
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 03:55 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
So an update on me. I've been talking to the exWW about possible reconciliation. She has come to the place where she realizes that relationships need to be built and figures that it makes a lot of sense to build one with me because we can have our family back which isn't something that any other man can provide.

This is got my attention because it's inline with MB principles and because it shows a lot of growth on her part, but there are so many things we aren't aligned on, and I just wonder how much basic compatibility is required.

I know that Harley says that you can build compatibility and build a relationship that perhaps was never there, but I get the feeling that he only recommends this to heal a marriage, not to start a new relationship. So does post divorce count as healing a marriage or a new relationship?

If I met a girl that had the same disagreements as my exWW I would move on pretty quickly. As an example one thing we aren't in agreement on is tattoos and piercings. I tend to be old fashioned and find it ugly, she wants to let the boys pierce their ears, finds tattoos to be attractive, and wants me to get my ear pierced. It's like we live in two different worlds, and honestly I just don't want to deal with it.

One thing is for sure, this isn't helping me move on and be available to someone else.

Wow, ak1. That is quite the newsworthy event.

And what a great question for Dr. Harley. I do hope you'll keep us posted on your progress?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:38 AM
I suppose I could email the show, but I pretty much already know the answer, he will say that if she can do POJA then that is the best option because we can have our family together, but if she isn't willing to implement POJA, radical honesty, extraordinary precautions then things will be very difficult at best and at worst, a repeat of the past.

Another thing he would ask about is if she is a buyer. Her words indicate that she is now, but there are 15 years prior actions that say otherwise.

Basically I need to figure out if I can trust her to do these things, or if it's just words.

One thing is for sure, she will need to start meeting my needs in pretty extraordinary ways if I will be able to get past what she has done. I'm usually not the bitter or resentful type, but I am a bit irritated that took 3 years, an affair, dating, other sexual relationships, and burning through a huge pile of money for her to figure out that relationships need to be built, and that she is responsible for her choices.

I guess that is the most difficult part of reconciliation. If I met a new girl that did the same things, but changed her ways, was now a good fit for me, and a buyer, I would be fine with it because she wasn't disrespectful to me, nor did it come at my direct expense.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:40 AM
Ak, I bumped your original thread in SAA and you should post there for more experienced replies
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 05:15 AM
Yea, I don't like that thread, it was a younger, less mature, more pathetic version of me. I should have done the nuclear exposure, got very strong about what I needed to do for me the the boys, but instead I was hurt and weak.

Interestingly, I mentioned this to a friend of mine a few years ago and he said his first wife had an affair and he did the same thing, and she left. His second wife also had an affair, and he pointed to the door and told her she is free to go. They are still married today.

Looking back at it the issue was two fold. I was just too insecure and had my own issues, and she can be pretty narcissistic. She has charm, is outgoing, witty, smart, good looking, so it's easy to get sucked in, but then you find out it's all about her.

Here is more information:

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-charm/

Anyway, I'm thankful for the hard lessons won, as I am not that man anymore. I've had very good boundaries with her, and I'm not getting sucked in, but I do want to give our family a chance..... from a safe distance.

I'll know what the deal is pretty soon.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 06:04 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Basically I need to figure out if I can trust her to do these things, or if it's just words.

This would be something I personally would love to hear Dr. Harley's opinion on: how can you tell if someone 'will become' a buyer v. when it's just words?

In this case, your xWW...and more broadly, any dating prospect. Just because a 'new' person says all the right things, what are the indicators that he/she would become a true buyer?

Thanks for sharing, ak! This must be difficult for you, and I really appreciate learning from your situation.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 01:57 PM
Ak, if she's changed it will show in how she treats your kids. When they are upset, does she still make it all about her or is she there for them. Wait for the tough days and observe, that's when you learn the most. I'm so sorry though, that really stinks.

Z, I'm an idiot, I did look at the local court website at the beginning, but I was looking for what was there instead of what wasn't. Now I would know going forward to check make sure it is there.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:14 PM
Ned,

Are you saying that the man you are engaged to lied?
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:44 PM
Jedi, were you the one with some news or was that ak?

Yes, my fiancee lied about being divorced when we started dating and got engaged. I agreed to try IC with our pastor but I think I want to back out now, I don't see a plan where I could rebuild trust with him.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:47 PM
that's truly a bad foundation
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 04:51 PM
Ak,

I think reconciliation is a terrible idea.
An 11 year affair!
what happened to the great lover for life? Did they break up?

I think she's evil to do this to you and her motivations fpr reconciliation are purely selfish
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 05:44 PM
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Jedi, were you the one with some news or was that ak?

Yes, my fiancee lied about being divorced when we started dating and got engaged. I agreed to try IC with our pastor but I think I want to back out now, I don't see a plan where I could rebuild trust with him.

NED ..you are an outstanding catch. You have so much going for you. It makes me so angry someone would do that to you. I always fall back on the one standing principle here that a man willing to date while still married will never and would never be the quality of person to ever hold the sanctity of marriage to the level you deserve.

The foundation for lasting love is the ability to demonstrate proper care no matter what is happening ... so I take that to mean every second of my life it is my duty to demonstrate proper care to all those in my life no matter how frustrated, angry, annoyed, tired, happy, joyful, etc. I am ... proper care is proper care (that black and white in my book)!

This man showed you lack of care and has robbed you of finding a good quality person that you so deserve. He used manipulation to keep you in the relationship and you didn't get a vote in it ...! How utterly cruel of this man.

Remember you are the Gem ... you are the one who deserves proper care. You are worth every penny smile
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Ak,

I think reconciliation is a terrible idea.
An 11 year affair!
what happened to the great lover for life? Did they break up?

I think she's evil to do this to you and her motivations fpr reconciliation are purely selfish


Well, this other guy is scum and she sees it now. Keep in mind that after he got married she didn't see or talk to him for 5 or more years, it wasn't until 2010ish that he surfaced again.

The physical affair didn't happen until 2011 and as soon as his wife found out that was the end of that and he's been gone ever since.

But I do think you are right, she has a pretty good history of self serving and sucking other men in. If it wasn't for my family I would have moved and gotten away. Maybe I still should.

ak
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 07:32 PM
Jedi man, yes, that's a foundation of sand for sure. HomeSweetHome, thanks so much for the reminder and the kind words!
And ak, if your wife has really changed she will know it will take consistency over time in order to trust in her again.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 07:32 PM
[quote=ak1]I don't think I've ever read about a situation like mine so I'm looking for some help.

11 years ago I married my wife. She has been a good wife all of this time, but we have struggled. Last week I find out that she has been seeing another guy. She didn't want to have an 'affair' because she didn't want to destroy our family, so she just kissed and hugged and made out with this guy.

Well I finally figured it out and after lots of problems and tears she finally tells me that she has been doing it off and on with this guy (old boyfriend) for all 11 years.

It then comes out that she never liked me and just married me because I begged.

Now about me: I haven't treated my wife very well and for the most part wouldn't do anything for her. I've been a terrible husband and a real jerk.

Now we are in a position where I realize what I've done, and she realizes what she has done, but we are back to square one.

I want her so bad that I'm smuthering her, and she really doesn't like the old me (the jerk that wouldn't do anything for her) or the new me which tries to do everything for her and probably feels like I grovel and beg.

The situation seems hopeless since she really never loved me, there has never been sparks for me, and now we have 2 kids and don't want to break up the family.

My question is how do I make my wife fall in love with me the first time?

Over the last 11 years she seemed to deal with me abandoning her better than she is dealing with me smuthering her now, so perhaps I should just give her some space[quote]

Accoring to your poat above, her affair lasted 11 years
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 07:39 PM
Kinda, the effects of the affair. Even during the 5 years that the other guy wasn't around, she still had a huge emotional attraction to him and didn't allow him to fade away.

He is gone and 3000 miles away now, so that doesn't matter, what matters is if she has changed her ways and can meet my needs.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 09:23 PM
I wouldn't do it
Has she even apologized?
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/03/14 11:43 PM
I'm going to spend the weekend with her in a neighboring town to talk about things and see something we wanted to go see while we were married. This might be the best thing to ever happen to our family, or it may end with another fight and broken hearts, but I've decided that it's worth the chance at healing our family.

Yes, she has apologized and owned her side as well as verbalized what I've done to hurt her and what needs to happen in order to address that. We both have a way better understanding of what we need to be happy and to resolve the past. If that wasn't in place I wouldn't consider working things out with her.

I may start a new thread about this in the next few days, but for now, I would like to leave it where it is at because I've come to trust and respect the peeps that frequent this part of the site, and don't want to read through the affair stuff anymore since it just stinking hurts.

ak
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 01:14 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Kinda, the effects of the affair. Even during the 5 years that the other guy wasn't around, she still had a huge emotional attraction to him and didn't allow him to fade away.

He is gone and 3000 miles away now, so that doesn't matter, what matters is if she has changed her ways and can meet my needs.

What matters is she willing to close off her lovebank from other guys? Her boundaries are your danger not her meeting your needs. She can meet them all day long but unless she closes her lovebank to all others you're scrooby doo'd.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 01:22 AM
I understand the affair stuff hurts to read BUT the affair stuff is factual.
Your hopes are not. It is hope.

Dont surrender rational thinking for hope
Posted By: markos Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 02:32 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I understand the affair stuff hurts to read BUT the affair stuff is factual.
Your hopes are not. It is hope.

Dont surrender rational thinking for hope

Real hope comes from following a plan that has a proven track record of working. When you do that, you can be hopeful, because there is a real rational basis for your hope. Otherwise you are just whistling in the dark, and you will keep trying to make yourself FEEL hope, but it will be less and less successful. Reality always catches up.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 04:25 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
I'm going to spend the weekend with her in a neighboring town to talk about things and see something we wanted to go see while we were married. This might be the best thing to ever happen to our family, or it may end with another fight and broken hearts, but I've decided that it's worth the chance at healing our family.

Yes, she has apologized and owned her side as well as verbalized what I've done to hurt her and what needs to happen in order to address that. We both have a way better understanding of what we need to be happy and to resolve the past. If that wasn't in place I wouldn't consider working things out with her.

I may start a new thread about this in the next few days, but for now, I would like to leave it where it is at because I've come to trust and respect the peeps that frequent this part of the site, and don't want to read through the affair stuff anymore since it just stinking hurts.

ak

ak, as a FWW, I can confirm that I badly wanted to save my marriage after the fog lifted. I was ready and willing to create a romantic, honest, MB marriage.

I'm glad you're meeting her and giving it a chance. You know best how to read the situation, and you know now that no one is 100% baggage-free, and if things work out with the mother of your children, it could be amazing.

Please keep us posted
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 05:29 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I understand the affair stuff hurts to read BUT the affair stuff is factual.
Your hopes are not. It is hope.

Dont surrender rational thinking for hope
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I understand the affair stuff hurts to read BUT the affair stuff is factual.
Your hopes are not. It is hope.

Dont surrender rational thinking for hope


My hope for a healthy marriage is based on radical honesty, extraordinary precautions, POJA, meeting each other's needs, and eliminating love busters. Any girl I marry (or date for any length of time) must be absolutely on board with these principles, regardless if we had a previous marriage or not.

She has shown interest in these principles, and so it would be foolish for me to ignore that due to my own bitterness.

I know that I'm risking getting hurt again, but not significantly more so than any other woman I may date.

Look at it this way, at least I know she is actually divorced and I know her family and past as well.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:12 AM
Ak,

She has ruined your family.
That is the fact.

You are feeling with your heart rather than your mind, friend.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 03:22 PM
I think I made the same mistake again.
I spoke with a woman for 2 1/2 hours last night on the phone, from okcupid.
Her profile seemed great...she's consistently worked in the same field her entire life, shes taking college courses on the side...
except she has 4 kids.....from 5 to 12.

She also professes a strong desire to follow Gods Word and her oldest two children have been baptized.
( although the kids are from 3 different fathers, the oldest from a marriage the younger two from boyfriends)

And....while speaking she talked about her enthusiasm for fitness and told me she has lost 100 pounds in the past year and is close to being on target......

Here's my problem: im obviously the worst picture analyzer in modern history.
If Kennedy hired me to look at aerial photos over Cuba I wouldn't raise any red flags whatsoever!

Im going to get a babysitter set up and go out with her next week...
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 04:13 PM
Hmmm.

Red flags for you JK.
The different men she had children with........loosing 100 pounds.

You already mentioned fitness is important to you and there are MANY lovely women who never had a weight problem and never had many different intimate relationships resulting in having children with each of them.

My suggestion

keep looking to date women who are okay with you having custody of your kids and either have children of their own from a past marriage or think being with a custodial father is endearing.

It is a good idea to meet people sooner rather than talk forever on the phone and message them. Then, you don't get your love bank filled on false ideas about them.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:20 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Ak,

She has ruined your family.
That is the fact.

You are feeling with your heart rather than your mind, friend.

Negative, I'm feeling with both. I am well aware of what she did, and I'm also aware of what I did. Waywards don't become waywards for no reason. I didn't care for her the way she needed. That isn't an excuse or justification, she is accountable for what she did, but that isn't an excuse or justification for how I treated her either, I'm also accountable for what I did.

I know you mean well and are trying to help, but you may want to examine your own heart. If she has changed, then she would seek to un-ruin her family, and if that is true, then it would be foolish on my part to prevent it due to my bitterness.

Your words seem pretty bitter to me. Have you forgiven your ex wife? I'm not saying you have to reconcile or even speak to her, but if you haven't let it go then that will affect all other areas of your life.

I know I'm being hypocritical here as I've also posted strong words in response to you meeting women that lied about their divorce, but Reading is right, they are lonely lost people that are trying to find their way. I think they should be avoided, and that they aren't good dating material, but we shouldn't use our bitter past to condemn them either.

Perhaps when you run into this again you might just say that you are sorry to hear that they are still married and that is a big deal to you and that you don't feel comfortable continuing, using the most polite and respectful tone possible.

This is something I've been learning from Zhamila. She is very careful to be respectful and kind and not stereotype people based on their actions, even if it reminds us of our very hurtful past.

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:23 PM
ak1,

Is she willing to follow the MB program? Do the online program?

Is she willing to give you a list of EPs?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:40 PM
ak1, from the sounds of it, she seems to be blaming her affair on you and you seem to be accepting the blame. I understand and accept that problems in the marriage might have made her affair more tempting, but she would not have had an affair if she didn't have such poor boundaries around men.

Has that changed? Is she willing to eliminate all opposite sex friendships and live a completely transparent, affair proofed lifestyle? That is what I would be checking.

Because this has nothing to do with "forgiveness" or "bitterness" on the part of JediKnight. It has everything to do with whether or not she has changed her behavior to protect you from another affair. Does she understand that it was her poor boundaries that led to the affair?

I am not "bitter" at all, but I agree with JediKnight that you should be very careful about walking back into that situation. Your wife is not like other women, in that your wife has a poor history of hurting you terribly in pursuit of her desires.

I really do hope you and your wife can get back together for the sake of you and your children. That would ideal. If you decide to do that, I would IMPLORE you and your XW to go through the MB program to make sure you never have to go through this again.
Posted By: markos Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:45 PM
I'm not bitter, either, and I agree completely with every word of what MelodyLane just said. I'll have to scroll up and read Jedi's posts, but lately he has been one of the best posters on this forum, so I would imagine he is probably offering you some sound advice.

I hope you and your wife are able to reconcile - start listening to the radio show. smile
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 06:51 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Your words seem pretty bitter to me. Have you forgiven your ex wife? I'm not saying you have to reconcile or even speak to her, but if you haven't let it go then that will affect all other areas of your life.

I don't want to change the direction of this thread, but if you get some time you might want to read this thread starting with this post: forgiveness discussion There are some excellent posts on this topic there.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 07:10 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
I know I'm being hypocritical here as I've also posted strong words in response to you meeting women that lied about their divorce, but Reading is right, they are lonely lost people that are trying to find their way. I think they should be avoided, and that they aren't good dating material, but we shouldn't use our bitter past to condemn them either.

I agree that we should not "use our bitter past" to condemn despicable behavior. We should use our sense of decency to do so. One does not have to have been the victim of adultery to know that lying and cheating are deplorable acts.

ak1, you are starting to sound like a wayward, my friend. crazy
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 07:35 PM
I'm not a wayward, nor am I in the fog. Reconciliation won't happen unless we go through MB. I will not budge on that.

No she is not justifying or blaming the affair on me, but she is hurt over a lot of things from our past where I treated her poorly, as I am also hurt.

It sounds like I stirred up the hornets nest over my last post, but I made it clear that MB was the only way and that she was on board, and still got told that I should avoid seeing her because she ruined the family.

I'm leaving now, and will post back later.


Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 07:35 PM
AK,
I've not posted on this part of the forums, but I have been reading your saga, and I will chime in. If it helps, I am posting from the perspective of someone who re-married my fww.

First of all, if you can reconcile with your exwife your family is reunited, that would be the best possible outcome.

Secondly, people can change. In fact, in my opinion, the MB experience is about learning about what makes for a happy marriage, and applying those lessons. Doing so creates a profound, life-giving change, which leads to a blissful marriage. Something people today think is not possible, but in fact really is.

Thirdly, that change can only happen if both parties are willing to abide by the principles. You listed many of them earlier in your reply to Jedi. But you left out Extraordinary Precautions, which is what Melody Lane alluded to. If you choose to re-enter this relationship, you have to protect yourself. You need to set some nonnegotiable rules that will make you safe and that will affair proof your marriage. Be upfront with your ex wife, and establish a clear understanding that these EP's must be in place in order for the relationship to start back up. If she agrees to them enthusiastically, that's great. Date her and put it all to the test. You will know if she's committed. And you will be safe.

This may work out great for you, but you have to follow the process completely. Leaving out EP's would be a big mistake.

Good luck!
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 08:30 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
My hope for a healthy marriage is based on radical honesty, extraordinary precautions, POJA, meeting each other's needs, and eliminating love busters. Any girl I marry (or date for any length of time) must be absolutely on board with these principles, regardless if we had a previous marriage or not.


No, I didn't leave it out.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 08:31 PM
We are on your side, ak!
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Originally Posted by ak1
My hope for a healthy marriage is based on radical honesty, extraordinary precautions, POJA, meeting each other's needs, and eliminating love busters. Any girl I marry (or date for any length of time) must be absolutely on board with these principles, regardless if we had a previous marriage or not.


No, I didn't leave it out.

Sorry I missed that, and very good to see that you've included them in there.

So that leads to the question, what EP's are you going to put in place?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/04/14 10:14 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
ak1,

Is she willing to follow the MB program? Do the online program?

Is she willing to give you a list of EPs?
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/05/14 05:25 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
I'm not a wayward, nor am I in the fog. Reconciliation won't happen unless we go through MB. I will not budge on that.

No she is not justifying or blaming the affair on me, but she is hurt over a lot of things from our past where I treated her poorly, as I am also hurt.

It sounds like I stirred up the hornets nest over my last post, but I made it clear that MB was the only way and that she was on board, and still got told that I should avoid seeing her because she ruined the family.

I'm leaving now, and will post back later.
If I recall, there are many veteran posters on the forum who are also former wayward spouses...and they now have MB marriages and help others every day! So...with a solid plan, MB principles and confirmation at every step, there is reason to have hope.

I wonder if MB coaching would be helpful (if you decide to attempt reconciliation) - accountability for both of you, and an outside party to lead the way and point out important concepts that otherwise may get lost.

I'll be watching for updates!
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/06/14 12:29 AM
Originally Posted by ak1
Reconciliation won't happen unless we go through MB. I will not budge on that.

I have seen others post something similar (wanting to reconcile with a divorced WS and claiming it will be using MB) but then when I question further WHAT EXACTLY the WS is doing to implement MB, there are usually crickets.

What is your xWW doing?

Has she read any of the books? Willing to call into the radio show and talk to Dr Harley? Post on the forum? Do online program?

Or is she sitting back and just letting you teach her and do all the hard work?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/06/14 12:30 AM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
We are on your side, ak!

Exactly.

This isn't meant to beat you down for the fun of it. Nobody wants to see a BS and their children get burned AGAIN after already going through the hell of D.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/06/14 12:38 AM
ak,

I see your WW had an 11 year on again off again affair. This means she has a very long standing history of having a SSL. This is a topic that I have discussed with Dr Harley personally. It becomes a very hard habit to break and even if she seems to have turned a new leaf, she will be at high risk for slipping back into her old habits.

And even w/ extraordinary precautions put into place, risk with this OM is going to be extremely high - higher than an ordinary affair. SugarCane has posted about her experience with this and what advice Dr Harley gave her regarding EPs that needed to be implemented. Someone can probably try to find it if you are interested in reading it.

Either way, I would still urge you to call him to discuss this before you seriously consider reconciliation.

Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/06/14 09:34 PM
Update
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/07/14 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I think I made the same mistake again.
I spoke with a woman for 2 1/2 hours last night on the phone, from okcupid.
Her profile seemed great...she's consistently worked in the same field her entire life, shes taking college courses on the side...
except she has 4 kids.....from 5 to 12.

She also professes a strong desire to follow Gods Word and her oldest two children have been baptized.
( although the kids are from 3 different fathers, the oldest from a marriage the younger two from boyfriends)

And....while speaking she talked about her enthusiasm for fitness and told me she has lost 100 pounds in the past year and is close to being on target......

Here's my problem: im obviously the worst picture analyzer in modern history.
If Kennedy hired me to look at aerial photos over Cuba I wouldn't raise any red flags whatsoever!

Im going to get a babysitter set up and go out with her next week...

She has 4 kids by 3 different fathers (2 of them being boyfriends) and you're worried about whether she's still too overweight for you?
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 05:16 AM
So, a little update on my online dating:

1. During the holidays, several ex-boyfriends (or ex- "dated a few times" gents) came out of the woodwork. I foolishly saw several of them, and now I'm having to clean off my dance card again. Lesson learned: don't let exes back into your life. There's a reason they are exes. wink

2. I got back on Match last Sunday and rather quickly had 4 dates lined up.

- "James" is someone I'd cancelled a date with last round because I'd met someone. He asked me out again and we met for a drink. He was nice but not really my type (witty IC is a big deal to me!).

- "Carl" is a psychologist who plays in a band. The conversation felt painfully awkward and forced. He asked me out again on the spot: I said yes out of shock but will text and tell him no thank you.

- "Ted" and I really hit it off. We bonded quickly and saw each other four times this week. Things progressed emotionally between us, and he told me that an ex-girlfriend (from 20 years ago) is visiting from out of town next weekend (which had been planned several weeks ago). We discussed it, and decided not to see each other again until he sorts out his feelings about this ex-girlfriend. My heart is pretty sad - as he said he wasn't expecting to meet someone like me, that he could see himself falling in love, etc. It was a heartbreaking few days.

- "Joe" lives out of town but was visiting this weekend. I cancelled our date before it happened because of the thing with Ted.

I suppose in all, I am glad for the chance to slow things down with Ted. But sad that such a promising relationship was cut short. Part of the reason I let my guard down with him was because several mutual friends told me that he is a wonderful man, truly peerless among their single male friends. Sad.

I'll get back on Match in a week or so. I need break to get my heart settled again. It's amazing what can happen in one week.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 05:39 AM
Regarding exes, a character in a movie said: old flames are lioe old tax returns. File them away for 7 years and then get rid of them.
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 05:40 AM
Hey Z, I'm sorry about Ted. Hopefully this thing with the ex girlfriend will resolve itself quickly so you two can see each other again soon. But if that doesn't happen, you'll be ok. I know what you mean about taking a bit to get your heart settled; I find myself bothered by the ending of even short lived dating sagas. You're not alone in that regard!
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 05:49 AM
Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Hey Z, I'm sorry about Ted. Hopefully this thing with the ex girlfriend will resolve itself quickly so you two can see each other again soon. But if that doesn't happen, you'll be ok. I know what you mean about taking a bit to get your heart settled; I find myself bothered by the ending of even short lived dating sagas. You're not alone in that regard!

Thanks TC. smile

It's true, dating is pretty emotionally exhausting. I'm not sure how people do it for very long...ugh.

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Regarding exes, a character in a movie said: old flames are like old tax returns. File them away for 7 years and then get rid of them.
Yup. Lesson learned.

How was your date, Jedi?
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 06:06 AM
Yup. I ended something with someone I had been on four dates with tonight and I find myself inexplicably sad about it. Definitely feeling neurotic. Lol...
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/13/14 01:44 PM
Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Yup. I ended something with someone I had been on four dates with tonight and I find myself inexplicably sad about it. Definitely feeling neurotic. Lol...

I'm sorry TC. It's really hard, regardless of who ends it. frown

For me, it's the longing for connection that makes it so painful. Every ending reminds me that I'm alone, that I have to start all over. And those little moments you shared with someone have fallen to the ground and will not be recovered. Sad.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 01:48 PM
So, I ran the numbers and I'm up to 29 men dated since April.

I've averaged about 1 in 6 that I felt enough of a connection to go on a 2nd date. I've fallen in love once.

Seriously, I hope I don't have to run through another 29 dudes before I meet one that I could fall for! This dating stuff is hard work wink

But, I got back on Match last night and have 2 fairly interesting prospects at this point. We shall see what the next round brings. And if "Ted" decides to re-enter my life, well I'll be ok with that too. smile
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 02:00 PM
Tc, Z, that does sound like so much work! But better than the alternative, settling for whoever you can justify as good enough.
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 02:02 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
For me, it's the longing for connection that makes it so painful. Every ending reminds me that I'm alone, that I have to start all over. And those little moments you shared with someone have fallen to the ground and will not be recovered. Sad.


Yes, I agree with you completely. I have to remind myself that I should be enjoying the process as much as the eventual result (hopefully) of being in a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with someone. The memories and those little moments do not disappear just because that person isn't right. At least that's what I try to convince myself of.

I hope you don't have to go through another 29 guys as well. It's tiring, expensive, emotionally draining, stressful and... tiring! smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 02:10 PM
Originally Posted by tccoastguard
I have to remind myself that I should be enjoying the process as much as the eventual result (hopefully) of being in a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with someone. The memories and those little moments do not disappear just because that person isn't right. At least that's what I try to convince myself of.


Now that's an interesting perspective! I'll try to keep it in mind.

For some reason, I feel as if I give little pieces of myself away and I need to figure out how to stop doing that. There must be a line between being 'authentic' and showing too much. I just don't know where it is.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 02:19 PM
Side note: I've been hanging out with several foreign friends lately. They seem to teach their men the art of conversation and affection very well. It's unbelievable how many women fall in love with my them: they are funny, romantic, affectionate, attentive and great conversationalists!

It's kind of fun to watch. And magical to see the effects.

On the flip side, if I have to hear about some American man's sports interests again, I think I'll scream. frown
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 06:37 PM
Ok, time to get back on the dating bandwagon. I reactivated my account and updated my profile. Here is what I wrote:

Quote
Ah yes, the self-summary. Time to sell myself. Here goes...

I'm not too tall, but not very short. I have a good job that I like, two boys that I go on adventures with, and I like to learn. I prefer the oxford comma because I would rather have toast, eggs, and orange juice for breakfast as eggs and orange juice just doesn't sound very good.

When I'm not at work, or sleeping, or eating, I'm usually working on one of my many projects, at church, or getting out with friends and/or family. I'm a bit of a do-it-yourself-er and really enjoy building things. I also like to bike, hike, and snowboard. You know, the usual Alaska stuff.

I'm also a pilot, but that isn't what I do for work. It's just a fun thing I like to do. There is something freeing, challenging, and just plain cool about flying.

Life is going well for me, and I have a lot to be thankful for. But something is missing: Someone to partner with, spend time with, go on adventures with, vacation with, and go to church with. So here I am, looking for you, hopefully you are here looking for me!

Can some of you fine MB women help a brother out and give me some feedback? What do you like, what do you think needs improvement?

Thanks,
ak
Posted By: Openeyes11 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 06:45 PM
So you are looking for someone to meet your RC need.

What do you have to offer her? Any typical female needs that you like to meet?

Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 06:51 PM
Conservation, affection, family, honesty. Any thoughts on how I can work that in?
Posted By: Openeyes11 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 07:55 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
Conservation, affection, family, honesty. Any thoughts on how I can work that in?

Wish I could help you there, but I am married and have zero experience with online dating. I just noticed that your post talked about your Taker, but not so much your Giver. smile

Not sure if it's even good to talk about your Giver in an online posting. All the single ladies can weigh in, I'm sure. smile Best wishes!

Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 08:33 PM
Hi, ak, I think what you have written is just fine.

IMO, people put too much focus on what is written in the profile vs the pictures. Shallow, I know, but it's true.

My gf and I who have both done online dating have jokingly said we could make real $$ helping people put better pictures up. So many don't seem to put enough thought or energy into this and that's what will make the biggest difference....
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 08:35 PM
On second thought, I would lose the whole first paragraph with the Oxford comma comment. Just my 2 cents.
Posted By: cyllanlisa Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 09:02 PM
Lol, funny, see I loved the oxford comma - but I am geeky like that.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 09:32 PM
Originally Posted by cyllanlisa
Lol, funny, see I loved the oxford comma - but I am geeky like that.

I'm more worried about the people that will be turned off by the use of Oxford comma and think it's pretentious or "geeky". My philosophy is you want more options vs less in terms of people who like (they don't have to love it!) your profile and then you do the weeding from there. Just my 2cents!
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 09:42 PM
The oxford comma thing was actually listed in an article I read recently as a dating no-no. Very few care about your grammatical foibles and would like more content about you. Are you using a site that gives you lots of space beyond that block of text to expand on what you do, are into, etc?

If not... there's not enough about you there. Don't accentuate the height thing. Girls will look at your height in the stats and make their judgement. Are you romantic, spontaneous, adventurous, loyal, compassionate, etc? Work some of the words that fit into your description.

Expand on the pilot thing. That's something huge that you offer that many others probably do not. Talk about some of the places you've been when flying. Talk about past vacations, the coolest place you've been to. Talk about why church is important to you. Talk about what you're looking for in a date/significant other but make it positive. Have you read people who say stuff like, "I don't date liars, cheats or people who use an oxford comma. How lame... And I don't put out on a first date so search for your ho elsewhere!" Super turn-off right? Stay positive like, "I'm looking for a smart, sexy, religious adventure seeker who wants to stand at the top of a mountain with me looking out on God's creation. My ideal partner is kind, considerate, trustworthy and is looking for the same in a man. Does this description match you?" Or something along that line.

You got this!
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 09:44 PM
I loved the reference to the Oxford comma. I actually didn't get the reference in spite of an English degree and being a journalist in the UK. Never heard of it! I just Googled it and found it intelligent and also reassuring as bad punctuation is irritating.

Intelligence is one of Dr H's five tests of compatability, so put it out there I say. Plus the eggs and OJ joke is funny.

I also think the emphasis on you, rather than on what needs you can meet, is fine. Be a freeloader looking for your 'likers and lovers' at least until the second date.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 09:47 PM
Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Girls will look at your height in the stats and make their judgement.


Agree

Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Expand on the pilot thing. That's something huge that you offer that many others probably do not.


Definitely
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 10:00 PM
What an interesting split on the oxford comma. I was going for geeky a bit, but also disarming with the joke at the end. The point was to point out my dry and witty humor without coming right out with it, which isn't consistent with my dry witty humor. smile

I will expand on the pilot thing and remove the height deal. I'll post more as I progress.

Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/14/14 10:17 PM
How about this:

Quote
Ah yes, the self-summary. Time to sell myself. Here goes...

I have a good job that I enjoy, two boys that I go on adventures with, and I like to learn. I prefer the oxford comma because I prefer to have toast, eggs, and orange juice for breakfast as eggs and orange juice just doesn't sound very good.

When I'm not at work, or sleeping, or eating, I'm usually working on one of my many projects, at church, or getting out with friends and/or family. I'm a bit of a do-it-yourself-er and really enjoy building things. I also like to bike, hike, and snowboard. You know, the usual Alaska stuff.

I'm also a pilot, but that isn't what I do for work. It's just a fun thing I like to do. There is something freeing, challenging, and just plain cool about flying. When I found out that I could construct my own airplane I was hooked and bought an airplane kit and am assembling it in my garage. It's perfect for me because I really enjoy both fabrication and flying.

I can't wait to get it finished as it's a dream of mine to fly it to Wisconsin for the EAA AirVenture airshow. I hope to earn some ribbons for craftsmanship and quality as I'm working very hard to build a very nice airplane.

So life is going well for me, and I have a lot to be thankful for. But something is missing: Someone to partner with, spend time with, go on adventures with, vacation with, and go to church with. So here I am, looking for you, hopefully you are here looking for me!
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 03:21 AM
I like this one so much better! It gives the spirit of how you come across here, like fully engaged with life, no fixing up required.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 04:03 AM
Dr Harley mentioned that he will be revising his Buyers renters Freeloaders book to comply with the new federal standards recently released on his Radio Show


Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 06:43 AM
ak, I like the Oxford comma! I had it beaten out of me when writing offering memorandums, so I enjoy seeing it make a comeback. Glad you're keeping it!

Please let us know how it goes.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 07:05 AM
Jedi - ROFL!!!

rotflmao

"I think I'll call my ex. Now that the federal government has lowered the standards, she's no longer too good for me."

"Wow, now that alcoholics, wife beaters and cheaters are back within federal guidelines, my dating prospects just tripled!"
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 07:24 AM
So funny! Thanks for the laugh!
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/15/14 04:57 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
I prefer the oxford comma because I prefer to have toast, eggs, and orange juice for breakfast as eggs and orange juice just doesn't sound very good.
I think this is the wrong use of the Oxford comma. That is not an Oxford comma; it is a punctuation error. I also think that the "eggs and orange juice" joke doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.

Using your words, the correct sentence is "I prefer to have toast, eggs and orange juice for breakfast". These 3 things are all things that you prefer to have for breakfast, therefore they belong in a single list.

If you want to use an Oxford comma, you could say "For breakfast, I prefer to have toast and eggs, and orange juice to drink".

A comma is needed here because you cannot say "I prefer to have toast and eggs and orange juice to drink". You cannot drink toast and eggs. The comma puts toast and eggs into a list of things that are eaten and separates them from orange juice, which is then in a list of things that are drunk.

However, the word "prefer" is not needed in the sentence at all. We are not offered a choice between two alternatives for breakfast(unless a strictly limited menu is offered) - we can have whatever we like in our own homes. You should say "I like toast, eggs and orange juice for breakfast", or "For breakfast I like toast and eggs, and orange juice to drink".

What you wrote appears to be trying to make a joke about how educated you are, in that you know about the Oxford comma, but then your error shows that in fact you are not as clever as you think. Your statement appears to be trying to weed out women who are not up to your standard of education or general knowledge - which is a perfectly fair thing to do - but then it commits a gaff by mis-using the same punctuation that is being highlighted.

Punctuation errors are made all the time and could just be a sign of someone who did not proof read carefully. This wouldn't necessarily put me off a profile. However, when someone draws attention to his higher standard of writing by using a little-known term and then gets the term wrong, it is showing off - and falling flat on his face into the bargain. Now, that would put me off a profile.




Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 04:31 AM
The Oxford comma is way over my head.

I am glazing over just thinking about it.

(It will weed out oblivious, lazy witted women like me).

That is a plus probably. : )
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 05:30 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
How about this:

Quote
Ah yes, the self-summary. Time to sell myself. Here goes...

I have a good job that I enjoy, two boys that I go on adventures with, and I like to learn. I prefer the oxford comma because I prefer to have toast, eggs, and orange juice for breakfast as eggs and orange juice just doesn't sound very good.

When I'm not at work, or sleeping, or eating, I'm usually working on one of my many projects, at church, or getting out with friends and/or family. I'm a bit of a do-it-yourself-er and really enjoy building things. I also like to bike, hike, and snowboard. You know, the usual Alaska stuff.

I'm also a pilot, but that isn't what I do for work. It's just a fun thing I like to do. There is something freeing, challenging, and just plain cool about flying. When I found out that I could construct my own airplane I was hooked and bought an airplane kit and am assembling it in my garage. It's perfect for me because I really enjoy both fabrication and flying.

I can't wait to get it finished as it's a dream of mine to fly it to Wisconsin for the EAA AirVenture airshow. I hope to earn some ribbons for craftsmanship and quality as I'm working very hard to build a very nice airplane.

So life is going well for me, and I have a lot to be thankful for. But something is missing: Someone to partner with, spend time with, go on adventures with, vacation with, and go to church with. So here I am, looking for you, hopefully you are here looking for me!

I get your use of the oxford comma. To me it is simply just proper grammar. I am very anal about it and make sure I am always using it, but I wouldn't let a guy know that. It is my issue, and one that I don't share with those around me. I am also very anal about certain things in my house, for instance I cannot leave for work when dishes are in my sink. I will have anxiety all day. I can't stand it when I my house is not in order, everything from proper alignment of the countertops to the making of beds in the morning.

I am getting better. I let my kids have some mess, but then spend Saturdays making sure it all gets cleaned back up.

I don't share this with dates in the beginning. I let them sort of see this about me over time. Then again I am also one who works with most men I date. They see my organization and my quirks at work as well.

That being said ... your oxford comma doesn't work in dating. It makes you sound better than them. You sound very busy which gives me the impression you have little time for dating. That was my impression when I first read it.

Posted By: cyllanlisa Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 05:41 PM
What a wonderful diverse world we have! I still love it and it would be a spark in a profile - for me. The man I am dating now - I was attracted to his profile from the pictures he posted and his book list. He had a few pictures of him on vacation with his mom, I liked that.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 06:47 PM
Originally Posted by HomeSweetHome
I get your use of the oxford comma. To me it is simply just proper grammar. I am very anal about it and make sure I am always using it, but I wouldn't let a guy know that. It is my issue, and one that I don't share with those around me. I am also very anal about certain things in my house, for instance I cannot leave for work when dishes are in my sink. I will have anxiety all day. I can't stand it when I my house is not in order, everything from proper alignment of the countertops to the making of beds in the morning.

I am getting better. I let my kids have some mess, but then spend Saturdays making sure it all gets cleaned back up.

I don't share this with dates in the beginning. I let them sort of see this about me over time. Then again I am also one who works with most men I date. They see my organization and my quirks at work as well.

That being said ... your oxford comma doesn't work in dating. It makes you sound better than them. You sound very busy which gives me the impression you have little time for dating. That was my impression when I first read it.


It's interesting how split people are on the oxford comma. Seems like the Grammar Nazis can't stand it, the people that like writing but aren't Grammar Nazis love it, and everybody else just doesn't get it.

One thing is for sure, I don't view myself better than them, but I do like to throw in random quips and that seemed to catch the essence of my humor.

As far as busy, I'm only as busy as I make myself, and when I'm not dating, I stay busy. At first I figured I would omit the airplane stuff, but many suggested that I expand.

I'm starting to think the best profile is nothing more than a few good pictures, a quick joke and some info, and leave the rest of it up to the actual dating.

ak
Posted By: living_well Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 06:55 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
It's interesting how split people are on the oxford comma.

It's Oxford. Capital letters for proper nouns.

Originally Posted by ak1
I do like to throw in random quips and that seemed to catch the essence of my humor.
Yes, a few breadcrumbs are a great idea. They might catch them, they might not but it is worth a try. In the end though, you are going to find what you are looking for by searching for what you want in other people's profiles. Use key words to search for someone that shares your interests. Your profile will be up there so that they can check you out in return.
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 07:13 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Using your words, the correct sentence is "I prefer to have toast, eggs and orange juice for breakfast". These 3 things are all things that you prefer to have for breakfast, therefore they belong in a single list.

Given your quote, I think you misunderstand what an Oxford comma is. That sentence written with an Oxford comma would have a comma before the 'and' to denote that orange juice is part of the original list.

The point of the Oxford comma is to always use the comma to concatenate each element in the list and use the 'and' conjunction without the comma to define a separate, perhaps nested list.

Here is a classic use:

These items are available in black and white, red and yellow, and blue and green.

At any rate, wasn't trying to make myself out to be an elitist or thumb my nose at the Grammar Nazis, I was simply pointing out something interesting an unique about me, which is that I like to use a less common, and not generally accepted form of grammar because I thought it made more sense. I was specifically saying that I'm not a Grammar Nazi, in a playful and interesting way.



Posted By: SugarCane Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 07:19 PM
I think there might be differences in understanding and use of the comma between the USA and UK. Your understanding might well be correct, and if so, I apologise for intruding.

I appreciate that you were making a joke. It might be that my reaction would not be shared by anyone reading the site.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 07:23 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
It's interesting how split people are on the oxford comma. Seems like the Grammar Nazis can't stand it, the people that like writing but aren't Grammar Nazis love it, and everybody else just doesn't get it.

This is extremely disrespectful. My 2cents is if you are getting your tails ruffled by people who don't know you, then maybe you should reflect on why that is.

If you are coming across this way to us on this forum, then you are coming across that same way in online dating. There is no feeling from a screen.

You don't have to take our advice, but please don't insult us when we provide feedback to help you.



Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 07:35 PM
Oh, I'm not ruffled, I'm just fascinated by the response, but you are right, in hindsight it was disrespectful because it made a judgment towards people that feel passionately about grammar, and hints that those that don't care about grammar as not able to get it. Please accept my apologies.

I agree that the profile isn't a good place to put something like this after seeing how people see it here, so I removed it. Thank you all for your feedback.
Posted By: Deacon_Blues Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 08:38 PM
Then there are those of us with journalism backgrounds from a time when every character counted (and a capital M was a character and half). Eliminating the comma in a series and not spelling out numbers over 10 came about for valid reasons. Doesn't mean I don't know the grammar rules; just that my writing required something different.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/16/14 09:38 PM
ak -

The real lesson to be learned here is that you can't please all of the people all of the time.

Think about your target audience (perhaps a woman who appreciates grammar jokes and isn't easily offended?) and write your profile with her in mind.


Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/17/14 05:05 AM
(I am still completely lost.......lol)


One of the just don't get it team.
Posted By: JustMe385 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 01/23/14 08:26 PM
Found this article today - interesting because when I used OkCupid, I found it's matching mechanism to be way way off.

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blog...212911321--abc-news-topstories.html?vp=1
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/04/14 03:35 AM
Update: I got my heart broken again today. (sigh)

I got back on Match toward the beginning of January. I went out with four guys in the first week, and really liked one. This "one" told me he has an ex-girlfriend in another city who is going through a divorce, and now he is exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce. I told him not to contact me until he was emotionally available.

Well, of course he contacted me and told me he missed me terribly, that she 'just needed a friend,' and I foolishly didn't push for more information. We saw each other every day, got smoochy, and we spent two weeks getting closer and closer.

I finally got up the courage to ask him what was going on. He admitted that he was still 'unsettled' (me v. out-of-town lady) so we broke up today.

I feel foolish: I depended upon his good reputation (several of my friends know him and say he's one of the best men they know); I allowed myself to emotionally bond with him (over our common experiences in world travel, languages, intellectual curiosity, etc); I believed that his sweet words and constant attention meant I was special to him. He maintains that he cares for me, he is just 'torn.' But I cannot go on like this - it hurts. So we're through.

At least I'm up to 30 men dated now. But I'm tired. This heartache stuff is for the birds!!

I'm thinking: going Crazy Cat Lady is my next move! wink
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/04/14 06:20 AM
You're too good a catch to put up with that kind of emotional indecisiveness. Plus it's torture in my book! That and it's not crazy cat lady time either. You deserve the right guy and shouldn't settle for anything less! #31 is right around the corner and could be it for you. Keep your head up Zhamila; this too shall pass. smile
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/04/14 01:38 PM
Thank you for the encouragement, TC! It is torture, even after only knowing him for 3 weeks total: feeling as if I was competing for his for affections was very painful, to which I'm sure many a BW/BH can attest - to the Nth degree!

ak1, do you have any updates for us on your new profile & dating adventures?
Posted By: Deacon_Blues Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/04/14 01:40 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I'm thinking: going Crazy Cat Lady is my next move! wink

[Linked Image from 25.media.tumblr.com]
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/04/14 05:22 PM
Love it, Deacon!!
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/05/14 03:47 AM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Update: I got my heart broken again today. (sigh)

I got back on Match toward the beginning of January. I went out with four guys in the first week, and really liked one. This "one" told me he has an ex-girlfriend in another city who is going through a divorce, and now he is exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce. I told him not to contact me until he was emotionally available.

Well, of course he contacted me and told me he missed me terribly, that she 'just needed a friend,' and I foolishly didn't push for more information. We saw each other every day, got smoochy, and we spent two weeks getting closer and closer.

I finally got up the courage to ask him what was going on. He admitted that he was still 'unsettled' (me v. out-of-town lady) so we broke up today.

I feel foolish: I depended upon his good reputation (several of my friends know him and say he's one of the best men they know); I allowed myself to emotionally bond with him (over our common experiences in world travel, languages, intellectual curiosity, etc); I believed that his sweet words and constant attention meant I was special to him. He maintains that he cares for me, he is just 'torn.' But I cannot go on like this - it hurts. So we're through.

At least I'm up to 30 men dated now. But I'm tired. This heartache stuff is for the birds!!

I'm thinking: going Crazy Cat Lady is my next move! wink

So sorry to hear that Zham. I agree with TC, you are quite the catch and it's a shame that this follow doesn't see it. Even though it hurts, you totally did the right thing.

A dude that is getting snuggly with you while when he was has feelings for another woman is not a good dude for you.

Originally Posted by Zhamila
ak1, do you have any updates for us on your new profile & dating adventures?

Funny you should ask. This girl from VA (does it get father way than that) browsed one of my dating profiles yesterday and I happened to catch it because I was looking at who looked at me. She has such a great attitude, has seriously cute kids, and is very pretty. She posted that she loves the mountains and her profile says looking for a man 'anywhere.'

I replied just to let her know that she made my day, and to my great surprise she responds back and lets me know that her making my day made her day. Then she starts asking questions about Alaska and the airplane.

Turns out she lives right next to the airplane vendors HQ and watches the same airplane fly over head all the time.

I know it's a complete long shot, but I really like her already so I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Other than that, I'm just laying low for right now until the girl I know that moved away comes back for a visit in a month. I'm looking forward to seeing her and I'm interested in seeing if there is anything there.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/05/14 05:00 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
So sorry to hear that Zham. I agree with TC, you are quite the catch and it's a shame that this follow doesn't see it. Even though it hurts, you totally did the right thing.

A dude that is getting snuggly with you while when he was has feelings for another woman is not a good dude for you.
Thank you ak1. I'm gonna take a break from dating for a while, and this is a good time to do it.

Originally Posted by Zhamila
ak1, do you have any updates for us on your new profile & dating adventures?

Originally Posted by ak1
Funny you should ask. This girl from VA (does it get father way than that) browsed one of my dating profiles yesterday and I happened to catch it because I was looking at who looked at me. She has such a great attitude, has seriously cute kids, and is very pretty. She posted that she loves the mountains and her profile says looking for a man 'anywhere.'

I replied just to let her know that she made my day, and to my great surprise she responds back and lets me know that her making my day made her day. Then she starts asking questions about Alaska and the airplane.

Turns out she lives right next to the airplane vendors HQ and watches the same airplane fly over head all the time.

I know it's a complete long shot, but I really like her already so I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.
Hey, you could fly out to see her, right? wink

Originally Posted by ak1
Other than that, I'm just laying low for right now until the girl I know that moved away comes back for a visit in a month. I'm looking forward to seeing her and I'm interested in seeing if there is anything there.

Can I tell you how glad I am to hear that?

This is what my (latest) dude was doing: seeing her when she visited once a month, but actively dating other women at the same time - when his heart is already somewhere else. If a man is available, then date. If he's not, please don't! frown
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/05/14 05:09 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Update: I got my heart broken again today. (sigh)

I got back on Match toward the beginning of January. I went out with four guys in the first week, and really liked one. This "one" told me he has an ex-girlfriend in another city who is going through a divorce, and now he is exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce. I told him not to contact me until he was emotionally available.

Well, of course he contacted me and told me he missed me terribly, that she 'just needed a friend,' and I foolishly didn't push for more information. We saw each other every day, got smoochy, and we spent two weeks getting closer and closer.

I finally got up the courage to ask him what was going on. He admitted that he was still 'unsettled' (me v. out-of-town lady) so we broke up today.

I feel foolish: I depended upon his good reputation (several of my friends know him and say he's one of the best men they know); I allowed myself to emotionally bond with him (over our common experiences in world travel, languages, intellectual curiosity, etc); I believed that his sweet words and constant attention meant I was special to him. He maintains that he cares for me, he is just 'torn.' But I cannot go on like this - it hurts. So we're through.

At least I'm up to 30 men dated now. But I'm tired. This heartache stuff is for the birds!!

I'm thinking: going Crazy Cat Lady is my next move! wink


Honey he is the OM in someone's marriage!!!!!

"going through a divorce" - weaselese for married

"exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce." = weaselese for affair

"she 'just needed a friend" = weaselese for 'I am the OM'.

You must have really liked him to have missed this!

Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/05/14 05:48 PM
I haven't told about the handsome attorney yet. It's kind of funny but a little unnerving, and it started by his rescheduling our first date several times (a sure sign of ambivalence):

"Chris" was so smitten when I walked in that he couldn't stop staring at me and interrupting our conversation to say he was, "breathless" and "had no IDEA I'd be so attractive."

Really.

It was almost insulting and a bit uncomfortable. I mean, are my photos online THAT BAD? He said I just have an "aura," (whatever that means) and that he'd love to date exclusively but he knew it was only our first date. I told him I'm seeing other people (was seeing out-of-town-girlfriend-dude, aka "Ted").

As "Wonder Years" as his sentiments were, I'm pretty sure it was mostly lust. wink

A week later, we went out a 2nd time to a restaurant I really like, but is expensive (his choice). He had calmed down by this time and we just had a nice, normal date. He continued to reiterate his very high standards for women, express that I 'made the grade' (I guess) and wondered when we could take things to the next level (physically, I'm sure).

I let him kiss me on the cheek.

At this point, he realizes I won't sleep with him on date #3 (I told him I wouldn't visit his house but would meet him out somewhere - I DO like smooching and ALL OF THAT, and I don't want to be in a position where I'll be tempted), so I wasn't surprised when he cancelled our third date and tried to reschedule for this week (I already have plans).

I'm certain he has women throwing themselves at him (handsome + attorney), so I'm sure if he merely wants a bed-buddy he can get one easily enough. If his initial interest had carried through, and he'd wanted to stay in touch and see me more than 1x per week, I might've given him a shot (first-date stroke notwithstanding). Meh.

Now I hear from him every 3rd day or so - usually an update on his life with little interest in me or my life. Perhaps he's never had to work to woo a woman: he relies on his good looks, money, and his Porsche, and they fall at his feet easily enough.

Also, he did use the word "nag" in a text. It was a joke, but it just turned me off. I am looking for a partner. And it's relatively easy to tell from the beginning whether a man is capable of being a partner. This "partner" vibe is more important to me than money, looks, or anything else he might offer. Even one word (like "nag") can tell me immediately that this man sees a woman's emotional needs as an inconvenience. NEXT.
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/07/14 01:01 PM
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Honey he is the OM in someone's marriage!!!!!

"going through a divorce" - weaselese for married

"exploring his feelings for her - while waiting for her divorce." = weaselese for affair

"she 'just needed a friend" = weaselese for 'I am the OM'.

You must have really liked him to have missed this!

You are right, Indie. The way he told the story, it sounded different, as if her divorce is almost final, etc. and they just happened to stumble back into each others' lives at the tail end. A true friend would stay away and wait for the marriage to either succeed or fail - my blinders were totally on. frown

Seen in the light of an affair, how do I know that he's not the cause of their divorce? Ick. This would also explain the irrational tenacity of 'dating' someone out of town, both have kids (I mean really, who's gonna move if it works out?), his view that dating more than one woman at a time is a reasonable activity, and that everyone is just "biding their time." Yucky yuck. Somehow this makes getting over it much easier!

I waited until my divorce was final to even think about dating. It's not that difficult, and in fact, it was essential for my healing. Thanks Indie.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/07/14 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
I haven't told about the handsome attorney yet. It's kind of funny but a little unnerving, and it started by his rescheduling our first date several times (a sure sign of ambivalence):

"Chris" was so smitten when I walked in that he couldn't stop staring at me and interrupting our conversation to say he was, "breathless" and "had no IDEA I'd be so attractive."

Really.

It was almost insulting and a bit uncomfortable. I mean, are my photos online THAT BAD? He said I just have an "aura," (whatever that means) and that he'd love to date exclusively but he knew it was only our first date. I told him I'm seeing other people (was seeing out-of-town-girlfriend-dude, aka "Ted").

As "Wonder Years" as his sentiments were, I'm pretty sure it was mostly lust. wink

A week later, we went out a 2nd time to a restaurant I really like, but is expensive (his choice). He had calmed down by this time and we just had a nice, normal date. He continued to reiterate his very high standards for women, express that I 'made the grade' (I guess) and wondered when we could take things to the next level (physically, I'm sure).

I let him kiss me on the cheek.

At this point, he realizes I won't sleep with him on date #3 (I told him I wouldn't visit his house but would meet him out somewhere - I DO like smooching and ALL OF THAT, and I don't want to be in a position where I'll be tempted), so I wasn't surprised when he cancelled our third date and tried to reschedule for this week (I already have plans).

I'm certain he has women throwing themselves at him (handsome + attorney), so I'm sure if he merely wants a bed-buddy he can get one easily enough. If his initial interest had carried through, and he'd wanted to stay in touch and see me more than 1x per week, I might've given him a shot (first-date stroke notwithstanding). Meh.

Now I hear from him every 3rd day or so - usually an update on his life with little interest in me or my life. Perhaps he's never had to work to woo a woman: he relies on his good looks, money, and his Porsche, and they fall at his feet easily enough.

Also, he did use the word "nag" in a text. It was a joke, but it just turned me off. I am looking for a partner. And it's relatively easy to tell from the beginning whether a man is capable of being a partner. This "partner" vibe is more important to me than money, looks, or anything else he might offer. Even one word (like "nag") can tell me immediately that this man sees a woman's emotional needs as an inconvenience. NEXT.


Oh yes, definitely RUN!

Originally Posted by Zhamila
Somehow this makes getting over it much easier!

I waited until my divorce was final to even think about dating. It's not that difficult, and in fact, it was essential for my healing. Thanks Indie.


Just looking out for my MB girlies cool


Just something to think about but Porsche-man probably has game, but was unable to fool you because he meets needs you have no interest in (I'm guessing) The admiration, FS, PA all fell flat and you could easily see past him.

However the lovelorn pen-pal to married ladies probably has IC and affection galore, all the good stuff that is like candy to us women (generalising!).

That makes it harder to see. Always look for signs of waywardness though. The second thing I check for is ability to PoJA.





Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/10/14 04:57 AM
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Just looking out for my MB girlies cool

Just something to think about but Porsche-man probably has game, but was unable to fool you because he meets needs you have no interest in (I'm guessing) The admiration, FS, PA all fell flat and you could easily see past him.

However the lovelorn pen-pal to married ladies probably has IC and affection galore, all the good stuff that is like candy to us women (generalising!).

That makes it harder to see. Always look for signs of waywardness though. The second thing I check for is ability to PoJA.
That's EXACTLY it, Indie! "lovelorn pen pal" was an amazing conversationalist and was extremely affectionate. I was completely smitten and this blinded me.

Porsche-dude isn't nearly as good at conversation and not affectionate at all. Hence my lack of attraction.

It's really odd: I keep wondering if I'm just 'so picky' only being attracted to 1:15 guys. But the fact is, very few men (of the 30 I've dated this year, anyway) are able to have a great conversations and be affectionate. It is quite unfortunate. I mean, these two guys made me really lose my head! (and my heart)

What's up, men? Is it really hard to meet those needs for women - in your experience? Or are you generally successful at getting women to fall in love with you, and I'm just hanging with the wrong ones?
Posted By: tccoastguard Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/10/14 05:11 AM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
Originally Posted by indiegirl
Just looking out for my MB girlies cool

Just something to think about but Porsche-man probably has game, but was unable to fool you because he meets needs you have no interest in (I'm guessing) The admiration, FS, PA all fell flat and you could easily see past him.

However the lovelorn pen-pal to married ladies probably has IC and affection galore, all the good stuff that is like candy to us women (generalising!).

That makes it harder to see. Always look for signs of waywardness though. The second thing I check for is ability to PoJA.
That's EXACTLY it, Indie! "lovelorn pen pal" was an amazing conversationalist and was extremely affectionate. I was completely smitten and this blinded me.

Porsche-dude isn't nearly as good at conversation and not affectionate at all. Hence my lack of attraction.

It's really odd: I keep wondering if I'm just 'so picky' only being attracted to 1:15 guys. But the fact is, very few men (of the 30 I've dated this year, anyway) are able to have a great conversations and be affectionate. It is quite unfortunate. I mean, these two guys made me really lose my head! (and my heart)

What's up, men? Is it really hard to meet those needs for women - in your experience? Or are you generally successful at getting women to fall in love with you, and I'm just hanging with the wrong ones?


I've been told I'm a wonderful conversationalist and very affectionate. Yet I'm still batting a zero!
Posted By: ak1 Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/10/14 06:43 AM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
What's up, men? Is it really hard to meet those needs for women - in your experience? Or are you generally successful at getting women to fall in love with you, and I'm just hanging with the wrong ones?

Interesting question. For me I don't have any problems meeting those needs as they are my #2 and #3 right after sex, and since sex doesn't come until after the wedding there would be plenty of IC and affection during the courting phase.

That wouldn't change after the wedding because I completely understand that a woman needs those things to enjoy sex, so my ideal marriage would be lots of IC, lots of affection, and lots of sex. Sounds great doesn't it!

I haven't had a girl fall for me all the way mostly because I haven't dated much as I haven't pursued anyone outside of my religious beliefs that wasn't also thin and active. As you can imagine, this significantly shrinks the dating pool.

The two girls I did see, one of them really liked me but had zero boundaries with her ex, and the other I didn't fit well with because she was a serious animal person and wanted to have a farm which didn't sound that interesting to me.

So for me it's just a matter of meeting the right woman and I suspect it will fall in line.

As for you, I find your posts and personality very witty and attractive, so I would really like to meet you if you weren't so far away, if for no other reason than to see what you are like in person and enjoy some IC.

Anyway, let me encourage you that the right dude is out there and you will be very happy with him, just keep looking, it's bound to happen.

ak
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/10/14 12:50 PM
Originally Posted by Zhamila
What's up, men? Is it really hard to meet those needs for women - in your experience? Or are you generally successful at getting women to fall in love with you, and I'm just hanging with the wrong ones?


Originally Posted by tccoastguard
I've been told I'm a wonderful conversationalist and very affectionate. Yet I'm still batting a zero!

Originally Posted by ak1
Interesting question. For me I don't have any problems meeting those needs as they are my #2 and #3 right after sex, and since sex doesn't come until after the wedding there would be plenty of IC and affection during the courting phase.

I haven't had a girl fall for me all the way mostly because I haven't dated much as I haven't pursued anyone outside of my religious beliefs that wasn't also thin and active. As you can imagine, this significantly shrinks the dating pool.

The two girls I did see, one of them really liked me but had zero boundaries with her ex, and the other I didn't fit well with because she was a serious animal person and wanted to have a farm which didn't sound that interesting to me.

Anyway, let me encourage you that the right dude is out there and you will be very happy with him, just keep looking, it's bound to happen.


Sounds like you two can easily meet those needs. I'm sure once you're 'out there' a little more, you'll find lots of women falling for you!

So, I guess I'll just keep looking...after a little dating break. wink
Posted By: Jhamila Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/10/14 01:01 PM
Originally Posted by ak1
As for you, I find your posts and personality very witty and attractive, so I would really like to meet you if you weren't so far away, if for no other reason than to see what you are like in person and enjoy some IC.

Thanks ak! Likewise.

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 02/19/14 10:33 PM
Radio Clip on Dating
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/17/14 06:36 PM
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.
Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/17/14 10:39 PM
I have heard Dr. H say that men and younger women do better than women and younger men.
So. That would leave me to conjecture that you ought to look to women your age and younger to find true happiness.

My Dad was three years younger than my Mom though and they were pretty happy for 58 years and only til death did they part.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/18/14 03:11 PM
Jedi I can't wait to hear the response! How's it been going with dating? I think as a Dad who is so involved with his kids, strong morals, intelligent, that you would be a very attractive catch!
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/18/14 08:15 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.

EMAIL RECEIVED FROM HARLEY. QUESTION WAS ANSWERED ON RADIO SHOW


Originally Posted by MB Radio Show
Hello Forest,

I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 17 on today�s Marriage Builders Radio Show, Monday 18, 2014.

Our discussion was towards the end of the hour.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Monday, August 19.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/14 02:17 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.

EMAIL RECEIVED FROM HARLEY. QUESTION WAS ANSWERED ON RADIO SHOW


Originally Posted by MB Radio Show
Hello Forest,

I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 17 on today�s Marriage Builders Radio Show, Monday 18, 2014.

Our discussion was towards the end of the hour.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Monday, August 19.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley

The general guideline from Dr. Harley was for men to date women up to 7 years younger; women to date up to 7 years older.
Those were general guidelines.

Posted By: reading Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/14 03:07 AM
I heard the segment.

I love when Joyce said you sound very scientific and that at the end she said she can't wait to hear when you find someone to marry!

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/14 03:16 AM
Originally Posted by reading
I heard the segment.

I love when Joyce said you sound very scientific and that at the end she said she can't wait to hear when you find someone to marry!

She is a very nice lady.
I'm really not looking; I've just been busy living.
I now have "shared parenting" so my exww gets the kids every other weekend;
I've taken the time to compete in running events (I ran in a 5k race Friday night and then another Saturday morning)...and then went to a comedy club with a group of singles Saturday night!

So, I've just been floating along.
I lucked out and got the entire set of the great books for $10!! This set probably cost thousands when it was new and I got it for $10 so I have enough reading material to last the next 10 years...also I am busy preparing for the garden next spring....

Posted By: geroldmodel Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/19/14 12:19 PM
Hi Jhamila, I am sorry to hear you are heartbroken�


It seems like you have fallen in LOVE after 3 weeks of dating a perfect stranger�
I just cannot wrap my mind around that fact!

Acually, as a 37 year old single European male (who has been in two unsuccesful shackup relationships for 8 and 4 years) this timeline scares the living cr*p out of me!!!

I would not even dare to go exclusive with someone I've only met 3 weeks ago!
To start with: I would not trust my own feelings to be genuine: is this real love or am I projecting all my desires on this one person that I am infatuated with?
My "picker" has been faulty many times before, why would I trust it now?
My friends & family would warn me too if I am infatuated with someone I've only met recently�

If I find myself in your position I ALWAYS take a step back and start dating other people ASAP:
This amount of chemistry with someone on such a short notice makes me go deaf, dumb & blind for every red-flag this person may be waiving in my face! (You are not different: I think Indie pointed that one out nicely!)

Some of your statements stroke a chord because it is the exact reason why I find most 30+ woman which I date, their own worst enemy. I'll pick the most obvious quote:

Quote
I haven't told about the handsome attorney yet. It's kind of funny but a little unnerving, and it started by his rescheduling our first date several times (a sure sign of ambivalence):

So a man, whome you never met before, reschedules a first date and this is a SURE SIGN of ambivalence... Really? Maybe he is dating 4 other people or has a relative in the hospital?
--> You are projecting your desires on a perfect stranger and when he reschedules, your desire turns into pain.

This is what is called "attachment" in Buddhism and
"Attachment is the source of all suffering!"

Seeking happiness so desperately from outside in any form is a fool�s game as it is incapable of giving us real or lasting happiness. Especially if the other person is as neurotic as we are! How are we going to give them security when we can�t even find it within ourselves?

So let�s look at the kind of thing that happens when we fall in love. If our attachment comes on strong, it is like falling in a ditch � completely out of our control.

Let�s say we�re hanging out with good friends. We�re having a whale of a time, joking, affectionate, enjoying a great night out, until suddenly a really attractive person (to our eyes) walks into the restaurant. Suddenly our happiness is over there. We�re feeling a bit bereft. We�re fast forgetting about our friends because now it�s, �I�ve got to meet that person!� Then they walk out the door, taking our happiness with them!

The scheming begins. How to get their number, set up a date, have their kids. There seem to be three stages to this kind of desire�scheming, indulging, and recovery. Scheming � they are going to complete me, this is it! Maybe we�re lucky enough and we do get their phone number, their email. We wait by the phone � are people still waiting by the phone now? Well, in the old days, before we were plugged 24/7 into the cloud, it went something like this: �I�ll just go buy some groceries, I�ll be away for an hour or so, then by the time I�ve got home they are bound to have called.� But no messages. No emails either. This is painful.

Then maybe the right caller ID or a relevant email does show up, and, ecstatically relieved, we do manage to hook up. We take a thousand photos of our happiness on our Smart phone, from every angle. Everything about them is delicious and special � their perfume, their eating habits, the way they drive� They can do no wrong. The fact that others don�t get it, or even see faults in our angel, is just a sad indictment on their lack of discrimination.

This phase of romantic indulgence goes on, they tell us from studies, for about six months.

Then at some point we say to this person, �Honey, I really love you and want you to be happy.� And they reply, �I�m really glad to hear you say that because I�ve been taking ballroom dancing classes and I�ve fallen for Giovanna, she�s Italian.� Suddenly everything goes pear-shaped. That wasn�t what we meant. We say, �But I didn�t want you to be happy if you�re not giving me happiness!�

Now all the objects of happiness are causes of suffering. The same perfume is now unbearable, the same car is a horrible reminder. All the things that seemed causes of our happiness are now causes of our pain. Maybe we take all their stuff and throw it out of the window. �Take all of your stuff and get out!� We think it�s all their fault, but really the scales have fallen from our eyes and we are realizing that they weren�t the source of our happiness to begin with.

With attachment, we are set up from the get go for disillusionment when that person inevitably cannot deliver the happiness we sought in them, when they cannot live up to our hype. We need time to recover because thwarted attachment is very, very painful. It can make people feel down for months. It can drive people to kill themselves. And it is very dangerous because when we�re in the indulging phase it can look so good that we forget its outcome and fall for it time and time again.

Attachment is called �sticky desire� If you have hairy arms, you can try this experiment, if not you�ll just have to imagine it. Plaster a sticky band aid onto your arm, leave it for a bit, and then tear it off. How does that feel? At some point also we are separated one way or another from our object of attachment, and it hurts. Tears. We often want to lash out.

�If we are skillful, friends can be like treasure chests, from whom we can gain the precious wealth of love, compassion, patience, and so forth. For our friends to function in this way, however, our love for them must be free from attachment. If our love for our friends is mixed with strong attachment, it will be conditional on their behaving in ways that please us, and as soon as they do something we disapprove of, our fondness for them may turn to anger.�
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Online Dating Stories? - 08/23/14 02:05 AM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Email sent to Dr. Harley:

Good day;

I have a question about dating.
I understand that Dr. Harley once operated a dating service and had good success rates with that business.
What is the age range that Dr. Harley recommends for dating?
I have read of different formulas, such as a "7 year rule" or a "4 year rule" (meaning stay within 7 years or 4 years).

I am 36 and have observed that some women who take care of themselves appear more attractive at 45 than many 25 year olds.
I find myself attracted to a wide age group but wanted to know what the "best practice" would be in establishing a rule or guideline for determining the appropriate age range.

EMAIL RECEIVED FROM HARLEY. QUESTION WAS ANSWERED ON RADIO SHOW


Originally Posted by MB Radio Show
Hello Forest,

I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 17 on today�s Marriage Builders Radio Show, Monday 18, 2014.

Our discussion was towards the end of the hour.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Monday, August 19.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley

The general guideline from Dr. Harley was for men to date women up to 7 years younger; women to date up to 7 years older.
Those were general guidelines.
Here's the show, Radio Clip on Jedi_Knight's question
Posted By: TomCorw Re: Online Dating Stories? - 04/21/17 12:30 PM
I personally tried several dating sites, but it didn't work for me for some reason. I had pretty low conversion rate and it's very depressing when you keep sending messages and didn't get any responses. **EDIT**

moderators note: please don't link to dating sites on this forum. thank you
Posted By: Bellevue Re: Online Dating Stories? - 09/27/17 08:52 PM
OK, here's my online dating story.
Two years after my divorce from ex who had an EA that lasted for years and is still ongoing (I didn't Plan A, this was back in the old days on MB) the marriage died, and I finally filed for D.)

So I made a profile with a headline that mentioned Soupy Sales, because I wanted someone old enough to understand what that tv show was about,
Responded to some divorced men whose profiles looked like my type of guys, said No Thank You to a few before even meeting,
and found a guy whose profile started out "Must Love Cats". He
met most of my requirements, plus some I hadn't listed. He had a workshop in his garage, attended synagogue regularly, attended Talmud study, and was active on the Board, knew how to fix things, including electrical and plumbing in his home, his own truck and motorcycle (!) and had 2 adult children plus a nearly adult son, had civil relationships with both of his exes, and liked to eat.
We attended his synagogue's Casino Night on our first date. We competed against each other telling outrageous jokes while seated on a loveseat in the foyer outside the hall. We enjoyed an exclusive romantic relationship for 9 years.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. Had the surgery, chemo, and I became his fulltime caregiver. A year to the day from his diagnosis, he died. The cancer was just too strong. Still, nobody had ever made me happier in every way.
The cute ending: He left me his cats, two of which are the same ones he mentioned in the dating profile that I answered! I miss him very much. I didn't date 30 men, but was lucky to find the best one for me right out of the gate.
© Marriage Builders® Forums