Dating Puzzle - 04/04/12 04:48 AM
Good evening everyone!
So I haven't been online in awhile due to some dramas. (My life could be a soap!) Let's see...
1. my marriage finally dissolved
2. I quit my job and moved to Colorado
3. I met a great guy
4. I'm currently searching for employment
How did all this happen? Well, my depression continued to go downhill last fall and I was taking the max dosage of the meds I was on. So me and my doctor started playing with cocktails to get me straightened out again. Unfortunately with the stress of work, home life and such I still ended up in the hospital for 11 days in August, during which my dearest Hubby was looking for a participant for affair #2.
He did his own thing and ended up moving from SC, where we lived, to NC. Not really having any particularly thrilling options myself, I agreed to move to CO with my mom and dad, to be near my sister and niece. Mom moved up right before Hubby took off, (we actually helped him move into his new room!) She stayed with me for a month and is about 95% responsible for getting me packed. Dad came up, packed up a trailer and we went down to FL in time for a quick Thanksgiving, with the majority of Mom's side of the family. Then we drove to CO and I currently live in my sister's basement on base.
There weren't any positions in my company to transfer so I had to quit and I've been looking for a job to support myself ever since I got here. I've gone on a few interviews but nothing has come of them yet. I've got another set up for Friday so we'll see how that goes.
I met a really nice guy here in Colorado about a month after we got here. I've been dating him for 4 months now. He's a year older than me with a Bachelors in Molecular Biology, I think. He's an EMT and has only 4 more weeks before he finishes Paramedic school and goes into his internship. He has a full education, he's discovered what he wants to do for a career, he's got his finances in order, he has his priorities straight. He's an adult and my husband was immature in comparison. He thinks I'm amazing and beautiful the way I am. He thinks I'm strong and intelligent. He says he loves me. He has experience with depression and recognizes the signs that I'm still struggling with it and says that it's something we'll work through together, that I'm not alone.
There's been a few things that have raised red flags for me though. I'm not sure if they are major drawbacks yet, or just minor hiccups that can be worked on. The first thing I've noticed is that my emotions seem to be muted or held back or something. There's none of the infatuation and puppy love that has been in my previous relationships. Is that because I'm not as niave as I was before? (Hopefully I've learned a few things by now.) I realize I still have a lot to learn about relationships and that I'm not the best at identifying my own emotions or sharing them. I also realize that I'm still depressed and that has put a distorting lens on my feelings and thoughts. I've thought that maybe our relationship is just a rebound on my part, which is completely possible I suppose. How can I tell? I really do care about him and I don't want to lead him on. Is it possible for a rebound to turn into a strong relationship and how do you know if that's happened?
I've noticed also that my new boyfriend demands attention like my husband did. He's also an only child and I think that may have something to do with it. He's used manipulation techniques to try and get what he wants and I've recognized them. For instance he'll call on the phone and after going through the details of our day I'll run out of things to say. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I just don't have a clue what to talk about and I don't see the point of sitting in silence on the phone. I've tried to come up with other topics or asked him what he wants to talk about but nothing usually comes up. But if I try to say goodbye then I must not want to talk to him and I must be busy with other things. He tries to tell me how I must feel and lays on a guilt trip. I've seen him do it with his mother also when she wasn't able to visit one day we were in town. Usually when he's in a mood and does something like this he realizes and calls later to apologizes for how he acted. But it's happened a few times now.
He's also said that I've reject his affections and not reciprocated them. He's mentioned my lower libido and how he always has to initiate our intimacies. He says that these aren't problems and that it's okay if that's just the way I am, but it's something for me to think about. He's mentioned the symptoms of my depression and how I need to get back into my hobbies and not sleep so late. It was only three months and he wanted me to move in with him so we can see each other more and not drive the 30 minutes from one house to the other. I told him that 3 months was too soon to move in together and that I wasn't comfortable considering it until I had a way to support myself and contribute to the rent and groceries and such. He says that me moving in wouldn't cost anything he wasn't already paying and that it wasn't a big deal.
He's gone into my financial situation and explained how we're going to get me out of it and strongly suggested additional ways to try and find a job. He says that he understands that I'm broke and that it doesn't bother him that he always pays when he takes me out, that I shouldn't let it bother me. He says everyone has rough times and he's been through it too. He's offered to help me with a cell phone bill the first time it was disconnected. I refused because I had no way to know when I could pay him back and my mom covered it for me. The second time it was disconnected I knew I had my tax refund on the way and would be able to pay him back when I got it. I asked him if I could borrow the $200 it would take to turn my phone back on, especially since it's the only number employers have to reach me. He said yeah, but it was a reluctant agreement, and it was 3 days later before we went online to pay it. While typing in his bank information he says that it's interesting how I don't want to move in because I want to be able to support myself and yet here he is shelling out $200 for my cell phone and that it was something I might want to think about. (The website was down so we couldn't process my payment and the next day I asked my mom to cover it again for me. )
And the other day money came up again and we talked about my debt and how I wasn't even sure what I owed my Mom and Dad for helping me move and covering some of my bills. He said that he wasn't keeping track of what I owed him and that we needed to focus on other bills first. He's bought me food plenty of times and took me to the movies and such knowing that it bothers me how he pays for everything and he's told me not to worry about it that he takes care of his Baby and he enjoys taking me out. He's filled my gas tank once, maybe twice, because 75% of the time I'm commuting to see him and that's where all my gas goes. But he hasn't paid any of my bills. We joke around that I owe him a massive steak dinner but what did he mean when he said he wasn't keeping track of what I "owe" him and if he isn't keeping track then how can I "owe" anything?
They aren't majorly big red flags in my opinion yet, but I feel that, if left un-addressed, they might become bigger issues.
If you managed to read all that I'd love everyone's thoughts, opinions and advice on the matter and how you might handle my situation.
So I haven't been online in awhile due to some dramas. (My life could be a soap!) Let's see...
1. my marriage finally dissolved
2. I quit my job and moved to Colorado
3. I met a great guy
4. I'm currently searching for employment
How did all this happen? Well, my depression continued to go downhill last fall and I was taking the max dosage of the meds I was on. So me and my doctor started playing with cocktails to get me straightened out again. Unfortunately with the stress of work, home life and such I still ended up in the hospital for 11 days in August, during which my dearest Hubby was looking for a participant for affair #2.
He did his own thing and ended up moving from SC, where we lived, to NC. Not really having any particularly thrilling options myself, I agreed to move to CO with my mom and dad, to be near my sister and niece. Mom moved up right before Hubby took off, (we actually helped him move into his new room!) She stayed with me for a month and is about 95% responsible for getting me packed. Dad came up, packed up a trailer and we went down to FL in time for a quick Thanksgiving, with the majority of Mom's side of the family. Then we drove to CO and I currently live in my sister's basement on base.
There weren't any positions in my company to transfer so I had to quit and I've been looking for a job to support myself ever since I got here. I've gone on a few interviews but nothing has come of them yet. I've got another set up for Friday so we'll see how that goes.
I met a really nice guy here in Colorado about a month after we got here. I've been dating him for 4 months now. He's a year older than me with a Bachelors in Molecular Biology, I think. He's an EMT and has only 4 more weeks before he finishes Paramedic school and goes into his internship. He has a full education, he's discovered what he wants to do for a career, he's got his finances in order, he has his priorities straight. He's an adult and my husband was immature in comparison. He thinks I'm amazing and beautiful the way I am. He thinks I'm strong and intelligent. He says he loves me. He has experience with depression and recognizes the signs that I'm still struggling with it and says that it's something we'll work through together, that I'm not alone.
There's been a few things that have raised red flags for me though. I'm not sure if they are major drawbacks yet, or just minor hiccups that can be worked on. The first thing I've noticed is that my emotions seem to be muted or held back or something. There's none of the infatuation and puppy love that has been in my previous relationships. Is that because I'm not as niave as I was before? (Hopefully I've learned a few things by now.) I realize I still have a lot to learn about relationships and that I'm not the best at identifying my own emotions or sharing them. I also realize that I'm still depressed and that has put a distorting lens on my feelings and thoughts. I've thought that maybe our relationship is just a rebound on my part, which is completely possible I suppose. How can I tell? I really do care about him and I don't want to lead him on. Is it possible for a rebound to turn into a strong relationship and how do you know if that's happened?
I've noticed also that my new boyfriend demands attention like my husband did. He's also an only child and I think that may have something to do with it. He's used manipulation techniques to try and get what he wants and I've recognized them. For instance he'll call on the phone and after going through the details of our day I'll run out of things to say. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I just don't have a clue what to talk about and I don't see the point of sitting in silence on the phone. I've tried to come up with other topics or asked him what he wants to talk about but nothing usually comes up. But if I try to say goodbye then I must not want to talk to him and I must be busy with other things. He tries to tell me how I must feel and lays on a guilt trip. I've seen him do it with his mother also when she wasn't able to visit one day we were in town. Usually when he's in a mood and does something like this he realizes and calls later to apologizes for how he acted. But it's happened a few times now.
He's also said that I've reject his affections and not reciprocated them. He's mentioned my lower libido and how he always has to initiate our intimacies. He says that these aren't problems and that it's okay if that's just the way I am, but it's something for me to think about. He's mentioned the symptoms of my depression and how I need to get back into my hobbies and not sleep so late. It was only three months and he wanted me to move in with him so we can see each other more and not drive the 30 minutes from one house to the other. I told him that 3 months was too soon to move in together and that I wasn't comfortable considering it until I had a way to support myself and contribute to the rent and groceries and such. He says that me moving in wouldn't cost anything he wasn't already paying and that it wasn't a big deal.
He's gone into my financial situation and explained how we're going to get me out of it and strongly suggested additional ways to try and find a job. He says that he understands that I'm broke and that it doesn't bother him that he always pays when he takes me out, that I shouldn't let it bother me. He says everyone has rough times and he's been through it too. He's offered to help me with a cell phone bill the first time it was disconnected. I refused because I had no way to know when I could pay him back and my mom covered it for me. The second time it was disconnected I knew I had my tax refund on the way and would be able to pay him back when I got it. I asked him if I could borrow the $200 it would take to turn my phone back on, especially since it's the only number employers have to reach me. He said yeah, but it was a reluctant agreement, and it was 3 days later before we went online to pay it. While typing in his bank information he says that it's interesting how I don't want to move in because I want to be able to support myself and yet here he is shelling out $200 for my cell phone and that it was something I might want to think about. (The website was down so we couldn't process my payment and the next day I asked my mom to cover it again for me. )
And the other day money came up again and we talked about my debt and how I wasn't even sure what I owed my Mom and Dad for helping me move and covering some of my bills. He said that he wasn't keeping track of what I owed him and that we needed to focus on other bills first. He's bought me food plenty of times and took me to the movies and such knowing that it bothers me how he pays for everything and he's told me not to worry about it that he takes care of his Baby and he enjoys taking me out. He's filled my gas tank once, maybe twice, because 75% of the time I'm commuting to see him and that's where all my gas goes. But he hasn't paid any of my bills. We joke around that I owe him a massive steak dinner but what did he mean when he said he wasn't keeping track of what I "owe" him and if he isn't keeping track then how can I "owe" anything?
They aren't majorly big red flags in my opinion yet, but I feel that, if left un-addressed, they might become bigger issues.
If you managed to read all that I'd love everyone's thoughts, opinions and advice on the matter and how you might handle my situation.