Will I ever, ever trust again? - 02/22/13 04:39 PM
Hi...long time listener, first time caller. I've been reading MB since back in 2007 when I found out my exhusband was having an affair. I wish I would have followed the principles to the T back then and it would have saved me tons of heartache.
Long story longer...I found out, we started counseling, he said it was over with her, then with me. He filed for divorce, I was doing fine then he came back. We got back together only to find out a year later he had numerous affairs (2 with very good close friends of mine), craigslist ads...and the list goes on and on. In May of 2010 I finally (yes I know, about time) said enough and made him move out and we divorced. I haven't seen him since then (our divorce was over quickly) although we've emailed a couple times and he still never showed remorse.
The lies that I lived with for those 4 years were BEYOND cruel. I became the best PI ever and found out more than I ever needed or wanted to know. Since then, I have been in several dating relationships and never fully trusted - most with good reason as it seems today there are very, very few with boundaries when it comes to relationships (the last one that ended this summer and I had found out only days before I officially ended it that he was seeing my daughter's boyfriend's mom...nice huh?)
Flash forward to end of September, 2012. I had wore off relationships and was going to just have fun and create a foundation of friendships...kinda like the 30 date philosophy...just take some time and have fun. Well, I ended up meeting someone 12 yrs younger than me from a meetup site...(I'm 43, he is 31) I was very tough in saying 1) I wasn't interested in dating and 2) other than being friends, he was WAY too young. I have 3 kids (24, 18 and 17 and 1 grandbaby). He has 2 little girls (3 and 5) and he is a sports celebrity of sorts...which really kinda weirded me out. In ONLY talking the first week (before ever meeting up) we learned that we had mutual friends that I've known FOREVER (like since I was a teen) and the husband is one of this guy's best friend. I contacted both of them and they spoke so highly of him...he wasn't a typical guy in that he truly wanted a real relationship. His exwife had cheated on him and done him very badly. They had nothing bad to say about him.
I really really struggled getting past WHY would he want to date a grandma 12 yrs older than him (and he is VERY fit and attractive). Why not someone younger? He basically said, he had been married, had kids that he adored, dated NFL cheerleaders, models etc and while it was cool for a week, there was NO substance to the relationships at all. He had not really had any long term relationships in 2 yrs. We INSTANTLY clicked during the week we talked/texted (like I never have) and that was all before we met. We have been inseparable since then....
Here's my issue (sorry for the short novel)...
I do not trust him.
He has not given me ONE reason not too...at all. I know where he is at every moment. He texts me ALL through out the day. He has told me at any time I can ask for his phone and he will let me go thru it, give me all his passwords etc...but to be honest, I am TERRIFIED to go thru with this because it's a HUGE trigger to me. He has introduced me to ALL his friends, taken me 2000 miles cross country to meet his family and ALL his friends from growing up. He's introduced me to everyone in his sport circle. On Valentine's Day he puts on my Facebook "Happy Valentine's Day! Thank you for being by my side. I love you."...so he's clearly not ashamed of me. He is the one that initiated the "in a relationship" status change on FB...and his FB page (which is also his "fan" page) is LOADED with beautiful, beautiful women that I am sure are his groupies...but I have seen NO cause to doubt him - AT ALL. His best friends have told me that from the beginning he has said/shown that he was crazy about me...and I've heard from more than one that he is happier than they have ever seen.
So why? Why do I (as late as last night) tell him "I don't trust you and I feel you've cheated on me in some way." At first and for a long while, he was patient because he understood why I felt this way...but now that we're going on almost 6 months of him demonstrating he is trustworthy, he is getting offended. I told him that by telling myself he's likely already done it, it makes it easier on me should it happen.
Really?
I am slowly tearing this beautiful man and our relationship apart. I struggle daily with this...I have had panic attacks (I went to the Dr last month and got on Lexapro because it scared me that bad...)
Will I ever be ok? Will I ever learn to trust again?
When someone tells me, "I am a good guy.", will I ever believe it?
Sorry for the length...I have debated for weeks about putting this out there...but know if anyone can help me...you guys can.
xoxo
Long story longer...I found out, we started counseling, he said it was over with her, then with me. He filed for divorce, I was doing fine then he came back. We got back together only to find out a year later he had numerous affairs (2 with very good close friends of mine), craigslist ads...and the list goes on and on. In May of 2010 I finally (yes I know, about time) said enough and made him move out and we divorced. I haven't seen him since then (our divorce was over quickly) although we've emailed a couple times and he still never showed remorse.
The lies that I lived with for those 4 years were BEYOND cruel. I became the best PI ever and found out more than I ever needed or wanted to know. Since then, I have been in several dating relationships and never fully trusted - most with good reason as it seems today there are very, very few with boundaries when it comes to relationships (the last one that ended this summer and I had found out only days before I officially ended it that he was seeing my daughter's boyfriend's mom...nice huh?)
Flash forward to end of September, 2012. I had wore off relationships and was going to just have fun and create a foundation of friendships...kinda like the 30 date philosophy...just take some time and have fun. Well, I ended up meeting someone 12 yrs younger than me from a meetup site...(I'm 43, he is 31) I was very tough in saying 1) I wasn't interested in dating and 2) other than being friends, he was WAY too young. I have 3 kids (24, 18 and 17 and 1 grandbaby). He has 2 little girls (3 and 5) and he is a sports celebrity of sorts...which really kinda weirded me out. In ONLY talking the first week (before ever meeting up) we learned that we had mutual friends that I've known FOREVER (like since I was a teen) and the husband is one of this guy's best friend. I contacted both of them and they spoke so highly of him...he wasn't a typical guy in that he truly wanted a real relationship. His exwife had cheated on him and done him very badly. They had nothing bad to say about him.
I really really struggled getting past WHY would he want to date a grandma 12 yrs older than him (and he is VERY fit and attractive). Why not someone younger? He basically said, he had been married, had kids that he adored, dated NFL cheerleaders, models etc and while it was cool for a week, there was NO substance to the relationships at all. He had not really had any long term relationships in 2 yrs. We INSTANTLY clicked during the week we talked/texted (like I never have) and that was all before we met. We have been inseparable since then....
Here's my issue (sorry for the short novel)...
I do not trust him.
He has not given me ONE reason not too...at all. I know where he is at every moment. He texts me ALL through out the day. He has told me at any time I can ask for his phone and he will let me go thru it, give me all his passwords etc...but to be honest, I am TERRIFIED to go thru with this because it's a HUGE trigger to me. He has introduced me to ALL his friends, taken me 2000 miles cross country to meet his family and ALL his friends from growing up. He's introduced me to everyone in his sport circle. On Valentine's Day he puts on my Facebook "Happy Valentine's Day! Thank you for being by my side. I love you."...so he's clearly not ashamed of me. He is the one that initiated the "in a relationship" status change on FB...and his FB page (which is also his "fan" page) is LOADED with beautiful, beautiful women that I am sure are his groupies...but I have seen NO cause to doubt him - AT ALL. His best friends have told me that from the beginning he has said/shown that he was crazy about me...and I've heard from more than one that he is happier than they have ever seen.
So why? Why do I (as late as last night) tell him "I don't trust you and I feel you've cheated on me in some way." At first and for a long while, he was patient because he understood why I felt this way...but now that we're going on almost 6 months of him demonstrating he is trustworthy, he is getting offended. I told him that by telling myself he's likely already done it, it makes it easier on me should it happen.
Really?
I am slowly tearing this beautiful man and our relationship apart. I struggle daily with this...I have had panic attacks (I went to the Dr last month and got on Lexapro because it scared me that bad...)
Will I ever be ok? Will I ever learn to trust again?
When someone tells me, "I am a good guy.", will I ever believe it?
Sorry for the length...I have debated for weeks about putting this out there...but know if anyone can help me...you guys can.
xoxo