I am a long time member (since 2005) with a new name. I divorced in 2005 because of my XW's numerous affairs. I was devasted for a long time after. Since then, I haven't dated much and have spent my time raising my kids, working and pursuing my hobbies.

Recently I met a woman that has been divorced for 6 years and after 4 dates, we ended up at my place and slept together. It was very nice(and fun). We have gotten together several times since and she came over to my place the other night for one thing and one thing only. Like me, she hasn't dated much since her divorce.

Here is my situation... I don't know how I feel about this person or even what to expect from dating at this point in my life. She is very pretty, great sense of humor and even though I haven't met her kids yet, she seems like a great mom. I enjoy her company when we go out on dates, the sex has been wonderful, and she is very sweet. But there are no bells and whistles going off for me when I see her. I wish there were but there isn't....

I have really thought about this and wonder if since I have been single for some long, I am just in my comfort zone and maybe don't want to get out of it? Or does it take a while to fall for someone? Or should I know within a few dates is I want to be with her? Or are we just having a physical fling that is going to run it's course?

Hi CluelessGuy, here is a good article about dating that might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068a_qa.html

Welcome back!

The best thing to do (in my opinion) is read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Harley.

You messed things up by having sex with her when you had no feelings of love for her.

Having been here before, you should know enough about the love bank model to know that you have not reached the threshold to trigger romantic love. However, you must also know that many women would not participate in a relationship involving sex without experiencing their own feelings of romantic love.

In other words, you may well just have used her. You got sex from her and it was wonderful, but you don't love her and will probably break up with her when the sexual thrill has "run its course". She may well be devastated at this.

Ultimately, she is responsible for protecting herself from being used by men. She is old enough to know better, and women are not victims. She should be aware that just because a man sleeps with her it doesn't mean he wants to marry her. If she has not learned that lesson already she will certainly learn it now, and about time.

But I'm a bit surprised at someone who has been on MB being so casual about sexual involvement, seemingly unprepared at finding himself in this dilemma.

i beg to differ.
i do not think it's such a big deal to check your sexual compatibility while dating. These things happen, at least here in Europe.

Sex does cloud your vision though, so be careful.

Thanks for replies everyone. I do agree, I should not have allowed it to go this far. Other than one relationship a year after my divorce (in 2006), I haven't slept with anyone. So I don't make a habit of pursing casual sex. I got caught up in the moment on this.

The right approach is to get to know her better and I need to slow this down.

NOT a good idea to be checking sexual compatibility before marriage, and certainly not recommended by Dr Harley. All it does is muddy the water and prevents you from really determining if you do a good job of meeting the other emotional needs. If you meet the other emotional needs well, the sex falls into place after you are married. Dr Harley addressed this subject recently on a radio show. I will look for it this evening.

CLG, agree it is a good idea to slow it down. Another thing Harley recommends is dating a lot of people until you find the one who does the best job of meeting your needs.

"Testing" sexual compatibility is likened to living together before marriage. He calls it a set up for a renter's relationship.


click here

Lots of things happen here in Europe and all over the world. Since when was that a justification for anything?

All, I feel bad about this... I have never considered myself a user but maybe I am this time. I somewhat think since neither of us have much time to date (raising kids and all), that maybe we got caught up in the moment.

I will talk to her and slow this thing way down.

The above statement shows you are not a user. Just be honest with her. Slow it down and see how you feel then.

**edit**

A reminder to posters to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts. The purpose of the forum is to learn and apply MB concepts.

I found myself feeling a similar way. I was talking with a man that I met over the internet. We never met in person. I thought I might really like him, but then would go through moments feeling like I might not want to be in a relationship at all. What I realized is that he just was not the right one for me. Once I committed to that, I felt better and broke it off with him. This is still very recent and in my mind, I miss him some, but it is more the idea of him that I miss. We really didn't have much outside of thinking about dating/marriage. We didn't even have that much in common, except some attraction. I think it is best to find that person that you have something in common with and build a friendship on... the attraction should be there as well, but if that is all there is, it kinda gets lost after a while. It fizzles away rather quickly without a base of friendship.

You aren't a user, CLG it's just that sex is perfectly useless in screening the best potential dates. So without going on real dates, using tests like talking, RC and developing a friendship to see if you love her first.. You're still clueless about your feelings because sex doesn't help us build or understand love.

Dr H says as long as someone has the same energy levels, you can assume your sex/RC levels will be compatable too. So the important thing is to find out if you can be friends and can you do a good job of needs meeting without a short term sex high muddying the waters. Those are the things which need screening in a potential partner.

Meanwhile the premature sex leads to misunderstandings, broken hearts, fuzzy thinking and concentrating on 'making' yourself love just the one person simply because they are sexually available.

You are right to simply decide to slow it down. Its more fun actually.

This is great advise for teenagers too. My parents always said sex before marriage was bad but never said why. This is a good way to say the why.

How you doing clueless?

i don't necessary agree with " sex will just fall into place" there are a lot of instances where couples are highly compatible in different aspects of their marriage -relat but there compatibility as far as sex goes is just plain terrible. it's at least the top 1 or 2 things couple fight about i believe - sex and money
Don't get me wrong i don't believe couples should just jump into bed together either after a couple of dates.They do need to get to know each other first and i think that sexual tension is a good thing to let simmer for awhile.

Sorry, but Dr Harley would disagree with you. Sex before marriage is bad for the relationship because it is likened to shacking up. It creates a renters attitude to the relationship. Compatibility is created and when people are in love and willing to use the POJA, they can create a healthy, dynamic sex life. A great sex life is more about an emotional connection and the willingness to please each other than it is about experience. One doesn't have to have sex before marriage to know that.

I should also point out that we are here to discuss Dr Harley's views on marriage, this is not an opinion blog.

I would add that having sex with a dating partner adds a whole new dimension of emotional investment to the relationship that is not healthy for women. Women need to feel an emotional attachment to her sex partner, and when that occurs outside of marriage, she puts herself at great risk. What if the relationship doesn't work out? It also puts her at risk of getting pregnant or getting an STD.

If a date asked me to put out as a test of future compatibility, he would be shown the door for such disrespect. If he wants to sleep with me, he will have to marry me FIRST. IT would demonstrate to me that a) he has no respect for me as a woman and b) that he sleeps around. He would not be a good choice for a husband.

This comment has been made so many times that it's taken on the ring of truth for some people, but it is an incomplete statement. The complete statement is more like "When couples do not use the POJA the top 1 or 2 things they may fight about is sex and money." They'll also fight about child-rearing and which brand of barbecue sauce to buy, but it's all the same - they are fighting because they don't use the POJA. It's not an issue of incompatibility per se.

Just like "money is the root of all evil" is an incomplete statement. The complete statement ("The love of money is the root of all evil") changes the thought process entirely.

Just thought I'd mention that

("The love of money is the root of all evil")

well i don't know anyone rich,and the folks i know are basically trying to keep their head above water, or make a little extra for for a family trip, car ,or maybe home improvement. I personally wouldn't call that a "love of money" and there are some people that are just not that good at sex. ( and i do find your statement a bit condescending )
money might be the root of evil - but life sure sucks without it!
as for me. i guess my last post was from my own personal life i have no intention of getting married again, been there done that .After my wife stepped out a few years ago ( grass was greener syndrome @ after 28 years of marriage but the satisfaction was when her relationship with OM imploded a few months after she left me ) i didn't do the plan A or B - i did plan D = divorce , so anyway I'm not looking back again, being 51 i'm dead yet either. And as for The women i date they know up front that I'm not looking for another legal commitment down the road some are good with it some aren't , we're all adults.
Cheers

Dr. Harley is a researcher who actually studies these things rather than making numbers up and passing around folk wisdom. He says that there are five primary things that couples fight about (when they don't eliminate abuse, use the policy of joint agreement, and follow the four guidelines for successful negotiation), and that he's heard different people identify each and every one of them as "number one."

Those five things are:

* Conflicts Over Friends and Relatives
* Conflicts Over Career Choices and Time Management
* Conflicts Over Financial Planning
* Conflicts Over Children
* Conflicts Over Sex

Incidentally, this forum is not just a place to share our own opinions. Most of us have wrecked marriages with our own opinions. This is a place to learn and discuss Dr. Harley's principles (Marriage Builders) and to help each other learn to put his concepts into practice.

So statements like "i don't necessary agree with" are kind of irrelevant. Dr. Harley may or may not be right, but the forum purpose isn't to debate Dr. Harley!

i hear you marko, i didn't mean to offend anyone .Don't get me wrong i like the things Dr.Harley has to say , i listened to him when i was going through my personal mess ,and he helped , he's a straight shooter and says it like it is. I guess the things he promotes don't really apply to me now.
sometimes when you're between things, it's a hard lonely place to be.

Dr. Harley still has some pretty good advice for singles.

You might want to check out optimism's thread on this forum.

Here you go. It's a fantastic story.
optimism's Another After Divorce Story