I just need to say that dating really really really really stinks!! The men my age are either too gross, too full of themselves, have too many issues, expect too much from me, or otherwise are simply not right for me and my family!!!!!! I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for listening.

Just broke up with a man that claims to be a preacher who's wife died a little over a year ago. We met on fb but never met in real-life since we live several states apart from each other. He seemed to be for real, you know... We started talking at the beginning of October and remained in close contact (talking and texting several times a day). I was never real sure about him since it had not been a full year since his wife had passed and he was still very much in the grieving process. What bothered me the whole time is that he had not paid for his wife's funeral and was asking for donations (set-up a fund on fb) to pay for it since she had built up a big hospital bill due to her cancer. He had no means of paying... Red flags right away, but he was very sweet and seemed so real... We spoke for months! He started calling me 'pet' names right away (another red flag.... flattery) and almost wanted us to talk to each other as though we were married and fully committed to one another! I did not like being 'smothered'. He wanted to spend HOURS on the phone with me and would be disappointed when I couldn't. He claims to be a 'history buff' and spent hours walking through the battlegrounds of Chickamagua, GA. It seems such a waste of time when he should be working. Thinking this made me feel judgmental, however. But, knowing that the 'man of my dreams' would fit my dreams and not be this kind of person who looks to others to pay his debts and fill his responsibilities made me realize that I am allowed to be judgmental when I am looking to find that 'right man'... I know I am rambling and probably not making much sense, but I am frustrated at the moment and knew I could get it off my chest here. I am not sad that I broke up with him. Not at all... I am just frustrated that he got to me and duped me. There was that part of me that was hoping that he would have been 'THE ONE'. Too many red flags and even when we were still talking, he started showing interest in another woman (probably because he wasn't getting any money out of me)!! Why do I even try??

I'm sorry and know it can suck.

Thank goodness you didn't get duped into giving him money. Consider yourself wiser.

Did you ever do any checking behind him?

Did you find out he doesn't actually have a job?

"Thank goodness you didn't get duped into giving him money. Consider yourself wiser."

Yes... I saw that one a mile away, thankfully! Although, I am not sure if he was a scammer or not, truthfully. I think he just really, really, really has issues or is a really, really, really good scammer. I checked out his Twitter and he has been posting a timeline on there that matched his story on fb. (I looked through more than 2 years worth of posts). I don't know, though. I think he could be trying to pretend to be someone that he is not. The whole thing seems very weird to me now. Funny how perceptions change once you know for sure that something is not right!

"Did you ever do any checking behind him?" No, not formally. I met him through the Church of Christ Singles page on fb and since you have to be invited in to that group, I believed him to be a real person from the start. When I looked at his fb page, he had plenty of friends that he interacts with, along with family members, etc. He seemed real enough.

"Did you find out he doesn't actually have a job?"
According to his story, he does some freelance or fill-in preaching jobs until he finds a full-time position of his own. Until then, he also works for a couple who own some vending machines. He fills them several times a week. That's all he does. He did a few 'pocket calls' by accident while working, and I could hear him filling the machines. It all seemed to be real. It's just really hard to tell, though, and makes me want to stay away from dating altogether!

Some people have a philosophy that society should be responsible and provide for them. He just sounds like a person with that philosophy

ooooo nooooo sister, no pity party allowed!

Because you are alive.
Because you are capable of learning and progress.
Because you can look at your mistakes and not repeat them.
Because you are willing to get back up, not just fall down and stay down.

No drama, mama.

I was going to go over your post line by line to point out the lessons, but you can do that. Go ahead. And when you are doing that, you are looking for things about YOURSELF, not things about that creep.

Think about how your TAKER acted to protect you and how your GIVER acted to protect the fantasy man. Start there.

You'll be fine. Relax.


Remember, dating begins as two FREELOADERS checking each other out.
Then, it may become a couple of RENTERS showing only what the other wants to see.

Your instinct about a complete stranger who was wanting to act as if he were a BUYER was very good!

To refresh your memory LINK to Buyers Renters Freeloaders thread .

The book is great and will help sharpen your "picker-outer" tool.
I recommend you purchase the book.

You were hoping he was 'the one' because it's no fun trying to find that person. Believe me, I know exactly what you were thinking. Like you (or someone else) said, take it as lessons learned. Each time you date someone, it brings you closer to knowing what you want and do not want.

It also teaches you all about fishing.
What bait to use. The importance of fishing in the right location. When/how to throw back the wrong fish. How to enjoy life and the experience you are having when you are not getting any nibbles.

Don't the Harley's recommend 30 dates before trying to decide who can meet your needs the best? How can you go on 30 dates if you can't have fun doing it. Relax, stop trying to find mr right and just enjoy yourself. Have a great time and before you know it, BAM!!! Mr Right is at your door.

Keep listening to the internal voices and learn to enjoy the fishing

Yeah -- you are going to meet a few rotten ones. There are plenty of duds out there.

I had what turned out to be a really horrible "relationship" with someone right out of the gate from divorce. I think a lot of us do. What's important is what you do after; do you learn, examine your actions/motivations or do you repeat? Going through that nightmare helped me out tremendously although it was rough and confusing at the time. As a result, I was available when I met my girlfriend. Couldn't be happier!

Travis

QFT

Thanks for all the supportive comments, Ya'll I think that since I let the relationship go on longer than I should have, I let it get to my brain and now, I just need time to get used to him not being there anymore. I know that he was not right for me... Probably knew it all along, but I was being nice and then his niceness got to me and I let my guard down. Tried to make him into something that he is not by 'giving him time...' the old "we'll see" if he changes. Surprise, surprise~ He didn't change! *sigh* Getting back onto Christianmingle to see if I can catch another fish.

"Think about how your TAKER acted to protect you and how your GIVER acted to protect the fantasy man. Start there."

Ok... I get the part about how the GIVER acted to protect the fantasy man. How did my TAKER act to protect myself? I guess that was when I kept backing away from him and eventually broke up? I guess my question would be, how do I find the middle ground between the two so that my Giver is not giving too much and my Taker is not taking too much? I must say, I felt like a Taker in the relationship a lot. He was very complementary (way too much at times). I found myself saying, "I like you, too... I miss you, too... I love you, too... I think you're wonderful too..." etc. It made me feel like I didn't care about him or his needs. Always thinking of myself first and mine and my kid's needs. Yes, I HAVE to think about my kid's needs first (so maybe I got that part right), but at some point, shouldn't my attention focus on him? on his needs? I am so independent right now, I am not sure I even want to be in a relationship, but I find myself pursuing them anyway! Is it the challenge of the game that keeps me looking? Maybe I should take up actual fishing rather than dating!?

Well the first part of His needs Her needs say that we can't meet our own emotional needs, they must be met by others.
That's probably why you want a relationship.

Yup. When you "cut bait", that is your Taker doing her job to protect you.



You recognize who is "in charge" at any given moment. Your *thinker* can override instincts.



Honey .... RELAX and enjoy yourself. With the right attitude, the journey can be a pleasure even before you reach the destination.

Your kids would appreciate this.
LOL

Thanks again, Pepperband

Feeling much cooler now