I've been stalking this dating thread for a week or so. Figured I may as well jump on board. My divorce was just finalized. I don't know how I feel about dating. But I do need to get a better social life. I've managed to hide out for a year now, but I've just got to get out of the house more. I'm a SAHM but really extroverted. I need more adult contact daily.

So I've joined the gym, a few classes, and a bunch of Meetups and I'm meeting new people. I'm not really sure how to handle the male attention. As I think we've come to the consensus that guys won't hang out if they think there is no chance. Well, I'm on the radar. Men are messaging me through meetup and other single friends are messaging me through FB. I like talking to these guys. Obviously fills some needs for me. Am I leading them on by trying to be friends? I feel like a teenager again. Not sure how to navigate this new social scene.

Last week I met two guys whom I might consider dating if I was ready. Just not sure what to do with any of this. Suggestions?

Hi Greenmomma!

Going to the gym, meetups and meeting people is fantastic! I don't think you're leading anyone on by being friendly. In fact, it's good to get to know lots of types of guys. If they're interested, they'll have to make it known. You can politely decline if they ask you out and you don't want to go

Listening to yourself is probably the most important thing as a dating woman. Only do what you're comfortable doing.

The only advice I have for now is, don't tell a guy you're "not ready to date," just because you aren't interested in him. He'll wait around forever for you to "get ready." Just be honest and say, "I just don't feel that type of connection with you." Done.

Let the adventures begin!

GM, I think you should make the leap and go on a date. It doesn't have to be anything more than coffee or a short lunch...which some don't even view as a full blown date. Maybe then you can gauge how you feel about dating. Right now you seem to be gun shy...which is understandable.

All men are not out to jump a woman's bones after one date. And if you get that vibe from a guy or you feel too anxious, then you can tell him bye, bye.

Thanks Ladies! Definitely feeling gun shy! I guess I'm hesitant because I don't like turning people down. I have a hard time with the taker part of me.

I have gotten similar advice though about telling guys straight up that I'm not interested in them, rather than give excuses.

How do I know if someone is asking me on a date? I actually had an older guy who is my new Taeqwondo instructor ask me to join him for a drink after class to commiserate our recent divorces. I agreed, but then wondered if he was being nice, or was asking me on a date! I threw him all off because I ordered food instead of a drink, but then he insisted on paying. I think I made it clear that I wasn't interested romantically, but he was certainly full of compliments and volunteered to help out any time I need. We've had bad weather and sick kids, so I haven't been back to my Tae Qwondo class, but I go tonight and I'm kind of weirded out! Lol

When people ask me to do something I automatically answer yes. I need to figure out a way to get my anwer to I'm going to think about it. I have a hard time saying no.

I'm actually a bit worried that if I go on a date with a man I'm interested that I'll want to jump him! Not sure I trust myself ha!

In the past I've jumped from one relationship to another very quickly. I plan on being far pickier than normal, but I'm a bit worried that I'll fall head over heals too quickly. I suppose you all will help keep me on track!

I've got this weekend booked up with activities with people. One of the guys I've met will be there. I'm a bit worried he thinks I'm stalking him because last week I ran into him on Wed and Fri at new meetup events. I joked that I wasn't stalking him, then chatted with others all night. So I guess we'll see what happens.

Yes, yes and yes.

It's not just you, I think it's like that for a lot of people. Dr Harley says that one of the most frustating things is dating - either you are being rejected or rejecting someone. It sucks either way.

Thank goodness for text. The first time I couldn't even do it, my friend had to actually send it for me. You just say that you didn't feel there was a spark and wish them the best.


If a guy asks you to get coffee or drinks, like BR said, a lot of people don't really consider that a first date, but more of a precursor.


I am the same way. Even if I am thinking nonono, I will just be nod or be vague or say we'll touch base about it later and then text what I said above. It's never been a problem.

My best friend has constantly yelled at me since I started dating to stop overthinking things so I am going to pass that on to you. I used to torture myself about really small things that aren't a big deal (sometimes still do). A lot of it is that you just need to get out there and DO. And it gets easier with experience.

Thanks Susie! I'll let you all know how the weekend goes. I should be around some potentials, so we 'll see what happens. Just gotta bite the bullet I guess!

Going on a lunch date tomorrow. Any pointers?

I think this is the first date after divorce for both of us, so we're both a little nervous!

You will be fine!!! Be upbeat and have fun.

I've had an incredible weekend. Guess I was a late bloomer or something because I'm completely overwhelmed and flattered by the amount of attention I'm getting from men. How am I supposed to choose who to date?

Had a great date yesterday with a really sweet guy. I'll call him IT guy. He walked in on his ex banging another dude last VDAY. He can meet my need for affection, admiration for sure. He's open and honest, and I know he won't cheat. He also doesn 't have kids- but was raising his ex's son which I like. I think I would like him better if he was in a bit better shape. I usually date skinny guys and he's got a little more than I'm used to. He seems really vulnerable though and I'm worried I might hurt him. I get the vibe from him that he thinks I'm out of his league. Which makes me wonder- am I? I need to have a chat with him about my plans to date around. I don't think he's going to like that. He would be a very convenient boyfriend, but I'm going to try to avoid that since that was my pattern in the past. We've got another date on Thursday.

Then I have a whole handful of other guys also vying for my attention. I like different things about each of them. How do you pick who to date?

GM,
Have you read buyers renters freeloaders?
Dr Harley has a list of features to look for in dates in that book, to help you weed through them

Personally, i would be hesitant to date anyone just out of a marriage.

Also make sure you verify these people are divorced.
A lot of people lie. You can check their names on the court websites

I sympathize with trying to figure out who to date; it's tough! I echo Jedi regarding checking court websites for people. You learn quite a bit that way and you can never be too safe. Take it slow and see how it goes with IT guy and others.

Don't choose him just cause you think he would never cheat.

That would be a false impression. Anyone could cheat. You can never be lulled into a false sense of it not being possible.

Thanks everyone! Jedi- I've got buyers renters freeloaders on my bookshelf. I'll crack it again to remind myself. I really struggle being a freeloader!

Kudos on recognizing that you previously moved too fast into relationships. It takes a lot of courage and strength to take from failed relationships what YOU can do for YOU.

Thanks Sad!

I haven't dated since college. I've had three boyfriends one of which became my husband. I have ALOT to learn about dating lol!

I talked with IT guy about dating others. He's not thrilled but he understands.

Thanks for the reminder to check the court records.

Jedi- I kind of like that IT guy and I are both newly divorced. We are kinda going through the same things at the same time.

I've also got another guy to date-sales guy. It may be awhile until I see him
Since I will be out of town on my next kid free weekend.

What experiences have you had with online dating? Any favorite sites? I need to get some pictures together. I just cut 17 inches off my hair to donate, so I need some new pics!

Which site do you think requires the least effort for the best results? Match? Tinder? Something else?

Just wanted to update. I've joined three online sites- Eharmony, OKCupid, and Tinder. EHarmony is the least effective. I've only had one match in 6 weeks. I sent him a smile, but he didn't respond. Tinder is nice because only people you have liked can message you. This means I have far fewer messages to sort through. But you have to chat to determine compatibility. PA is not a top need for me, so I find myself not using this app very often. I like OK Cupid. I like the compatibility section. I can easily check a guy's profile and see if I'm interested in messaging back.

Thus far I've dated IT guy, whom I broke it off with because I felt I needed to find someone with more compatibility. I breifly dated another guy- crunchy guy whom I had very high compatibility but he wouldn't continue to date me if I wanted to date around (30 dates). I've gone on several first dates.

I'm wondering what the best way is for a women to let a guy know she's interested on these sights. I believe the man should be the pursuer, but I'd like to be proactively looking for guys, rather than waiting for someone to find me. So If I come across someone interesting, how can I initiate something without coming across as the persuer?

With OKCupid, normally just the looking at my profile caught my attention. If the site notified me that a woman had been looking at me, I normally looked at her profile in return and messaged if I was interested. I normally had better success with this than cold messaging because I figured they "might" be interested if they took the time to glance at my profile after seeing my picture. So... My advice to you would be to search out and look at profiles of guys you might be interested in. Don't wink, don't message; just look.

Perfect! Thanks TC!

I was bored tonight and joined Match also.

I would message a man that interests you;
what have you got to lose?

I login to okcupid maybe once every 3 weeks, but if someone sends me a message I think it sends an email.

Green I joined Christian Mingle and I like it *so* much more than OKC and POF. Maybe it's just my area, but most of the guys look and sound like folks you wold actually enjoy talking to. And I'm not getting endless messages "hey baby I like older women wanna chat" Like seriously who would feel good to be called an older woman off the bat like that?

Good for you for sticking to the 30 dates thing. If this guy was like the exception you would have known

I just checked okcupid...I had 60 women view my profile since I last logged in.
I'm finished with online date sites.

Sorry Jedi! I would say I get the most traffic on okcupid. I've had about 5 messages on Eharmony in nearly two months, and I've had 5 from match since I put my profile up last night. I had lots of messages to sort through on OK.


NED- I'm not certain Crunchy wasn't the exception. I've never met someone I had so much compatibility with. He seemed to move really fast though, and my friends suggested it was too much too soon. We had two dates in one weekend, and he said he wouldn't date me if I was dating others. I felt he was a little too pushy with the physical stuff too.

I'm still missing IT guy too. Even though I got a taste of his angry side when I told him I didn't want to date him.

Christian Mingle would be great if I were Christian lol.

Best of luck to you!!!

Are a member of another faith? I have friends who found their spouses on JDate too.

Jedi, you're finished because you found somebody, taking time time for yourself, or 60 is just overwhelming?

I just quit because I lost interest.
I had a hard time connecting with the women online and I'm not going to advertise myself in messages to them.

Values attract like values, so if someone of similar values is around me then we will have mutual attraction.

Agreed, I don't try to sell myself either. And those meetup groups are supposed to be great for meeting folks with similar interests, so I am thinking to look into that too. I have a friend in a bicycling group and she is loving it, spending time outside doing something she enjoys. And then if she is busy she just doesn't go, it's pretty flexible.

A great movie to watch about mutual attraction is The Fountainhead, starring Gary Cooper

NED- I am a Unitarian Universalist. Very liberal and very broad beliefs. Almost more of a club than a religion. It's a more obscure religion and I've only recently found it in the last few years but it's perfect for me. I'm best suited to people who are atheist or agnostic. I'm trying to specifically look for liberals, which is tricky because I somehow live in a big city which is very conservative lol.

Jedi- I disagree. I think being proactive in anything is always the way to go. Why wouldn't you advertise yourself? The right woman isn't just going to walk into your life. It's a matter of putting yourself out there, and the right mix of chemistry and compatibility. At least that's what I think.

I'm a member of several meetup groups and it's a lot of fun. It's a little tricky dating within them, because once you stop dating, then you are trying to avoid the meetups they are going to etc. (I've gone on dates with several guys I've met through meetup groups).


I found a gorgeous guy on OK last night. Like model gorgeous. Way out of my league lol. Unfortunately he's not looking for a relationship right now. At least he will give me something to fantasize about lol.

Hey, Greenmomma--

I'm a UU too. Funny, it's so unusual to see someone mention it anywhere out in the world that I practically do a double-take when I see the words. I'm lucky to live in a city that skews liberal. I also have no interest in dating right now, heh.

Just wanted to say hello. Good luck to you!

I agree with TC. The girl I'm dating looked at my profile, so I just sent her a hello, and we are exclusive and really enjoying each other today.

In fact, she said she wasn't a member until see saw the message from me waiting in her inbox and promptly paid to see what I wrote.

So I think for a dude, just look at who is looking at you and message who you are interested in, and for the chicks, just look at lots of dudes.

btw, I used Christian Mingle which works for me since I'm a Christian, and because the type of girl I was looking for is more likely to be on that site than the others.

Ak

Hi Portula! Yes, it is a more obscure religion. One of the reasons me ex and I chose this part if town to live in is because it is near a UU church! I really enjoy my little pocket of liberals in a very conservative catholic area!

Thanks AK!

It's hard to know what to do on some of these sites. On Match for instance they can wink at you , like you, and add you to their favorites. Far more guys do all those things rather than send me a message.

Does anyone have a hard time finding people to be interested in? I find it so much harder to pick out someone from a picture. Like I'm somehow more judge mental online than in person?

You're supposed to be judgmental. It's about finding the right person, no? I look at it like this: you have certain things that are no brainer, not going to work for you deal breakers. These things are MUCH easier to spot with online dating because you have so much hanging out there and even during a first date or two, you're sizing the other person up. This is a vastly different dynamic than the guy you ran into at the grocery store a few times, talked to, perhaps went out with a few times and THEN found out things you don't like that may have turned you off earlier but you might ignore now because he's a good guy, you're infatuated, etc.

I guess that's a long way of saying that I think online dating allows you to be more objective as opposed to being more judgmental. On the flip side though, we have to stay away from being too picky; it's easy to get into the mentality of, "this person doesn't meet all of my one hundred checklist items and there are 40,000 more guys/gals on this site. Next." It can be a tough balancing act at times!

A good tip is also to stay away from anyone on Match who's profile picture is themselves with a bloody chainsaw and uses the name "Chainsaw Serial Guy"

Thanks TC! I do like the ability to sort through people based on qualities online. I'm having a bit harder time determining if I'd have chemistry with someone just based on a picture. I know that is the point of the date. Good point about overlooking things because of other reasons once you know a person. I am guilty of that kind of thinking for sure. In fact, that's the trouble I had with IT guy. I met him in real life, and we had chemistry, but I decided to end things because I wanted more compatibility. But it was really hard because he was such a nice guy, and we had great chemistry. I agree about the challenge of being too picky. I'm wondering if I am being too picky online.

Jedi, I'll look out for Chainsaw Guy. I'm also avoiding any men who admit to Rape Fantasies on the questionnaire for OK Cupid.

And just in case anyone is interested, I checked out Match's new online dating site called Chemistry. I was not impressed. They have you take a quiz and put you in one of four categories, but match you with everyone and just tell you the pro's and con's to your potential relationship based on your personality category. They don't list people's information or picture on the initial match page. They only show the kind of personality they have and their name. You have to click on a person and then their information and picture comes up. Plus very few people are on there, and it's another pay site like Match.

OK Cupid is still my favorite site. I'm still trying to figure out how to work Match's levels of flirting. I looked at a guy, he looked at me, I looked at him, he looked at me, I finally sent him a wink, and he sent me a message. I'm not very patient with this kind of thing lol.

I have several dates set up for this upcoming weekend. We'll see how they go! I also have a date set up with Crunchy guy again. I feel like we are very compatible. He didn't want to date me because I didn't want to be exclusive right off the bat. Some friends suggested he is either insecure, or too controlling. We had stayed FB friends, and I suggested we could give dating another try, or just hang out as friends. He declined again. So I unfriended him on FB. Now he wants to date lol. We'll see how it goes.

Any particular advice to use to tell guys you don't want a second date? This is the part I struggle with the most. I don't even want to talk to guys because I don't know the best way to tell them I don't want another date, or I don't want to give them my number (if we meet in person).

Telling anyone no is a tough thing to do. Nobody likes to hurt anyone's feelings after all! But at this point in the dating process, you really don't owe anyone anything other than politeness and your "rejection" should take that into consideration. A simple e-mail or text message stating, "I enjoyed getting to know you (yesterday/this evening/etc) but I don't think we're a good match. Thank you so much for your time!" You can elaborate a little more if you like, ie - we're not compatible, we live too far apart, etc but it doesn't need to be a long, drawn out affair.

Saying no gets easier over time, the first times are rough! But it's kinder than wasting your time and theirs.

The other thing folks do is just say they are busy. Because if it's someone you really like, you would say that you are busy and propose and alternative. But if you don't want to see them again you won't propose an alternative. So after 3 times of that at the most it will be obvious.

The part I'm having a hard time with is thinking about meeting more than one person. There's one guy I connected with first, we're meeting for the first time tonight after messaging and then talking on the phone a couple of weeks. But I really have no interest in talking to the other guy I was talking to anymore, even though we were getting along well in messages.

I'm nowhere near ready to do online dating, but I've enjoyed reading your thread. I heard Tinder is only for "hookups". My friend's little brother said his college friends use it for booty calls. That freaks me out! I decided I'd be staying FAR away from Tinder. Lol

My younger sister has told me the same.

Yep, Tinder was too much work. Although it was nice only communicating with people I was mutually attracted to, I knew nothing else about them and had to do quite a bit of chatting to see what we had in common. I didn't like the Chemistry site either. I dropped Eharmony because they never had any matches for me. So I'm down to Match and OKCUPID. I honestly like OKCUPID the best because of the questions, but wish it were a pay site because I get a lot of junk mail. You know, offering to be my sex slave, or asking me to stand on their chest in high heels . If nothing else it is entertaining sometimes!

Green that Christian Mingle site really worked for me, the guys I talked to were all really respectful and not looking for hookups, and I messaged with a few nice ones before meeting my boyfriend. I am thinking maybe they have a setting on there to indicate you are UU so you'd get like-minded folks.

Technically, Universal Unitarian is considered and identifies as a Christian denomination.

EDIT: In some areas, they were very prevalent.

Thanks guys! I do believe that I would get less junk mail on Christian Mingle. However, I am not a Christian, and actually match better with people who identify as agnostic or atheist. (I know, what am I doing on this site lol) I actually feel like the guys I'm meeting are very sweet. I don't have any complaints about the quality of men I'm meeting other than I have determined that I want someone who still has hair, and is in good shape. That part is proving trickier than I thought! The last guy I dated was very attractive and in good shape, and now he's ruined me for all these other guys lol!

Quick question! After a few dates, how much communication do you like/expect daily from your date? A few texts? Phone call? I'm not sure how much is considered normal?

I am more comfortable with a call or email a day or couple of days than multiple texts at different times of the day. But after doing this MB stuff it seems like guys like to connect a lot more often than that, not a bad problem to have

Thanks NED! I tend to like lots if attention because I'm home alone with the kids a lot, so like the adult interaction. But I know it's not healthy to be relying on it so heavily which was why I was wondering what is considered normal. The current guy I'm seeing sends at least one text, usually more a day, and calls occasionally so I think we are on track for appropriate levels of contact.

That sounds like the important part, that it's working for both of you So what's up with the current guy? How did you meet?

Green, how's it going?

Go out and have fun! It'll take your mind off of your divorce, and move you emotionally to another place. Nothing's wrong with a light-hearted date, and when you're ready, you can go in full swing.

Update:
I've been on a dating break for the last two months or so. Trying to decide what to do. I got myself in a pickle and I'm stepping back to try to figure out where I went wrong. I had been dating salsa guy for a few months and things were progressing nicely, but then I wound up hanging out with IT guy- and fell for him again. So I dated both briefly while I tried to decide which I liked better. It was an awful and terrible idea. BUT I chose IT guy and we dated for about another 6 weeks exclusively, when I broke up with him. BOTH guys were really upset and wanted me back. I just felt like a jerk. SOOO, I'm taking some time off, trying to figure out what wasn't working. I've pinpointed a few of my struggles.

1. I need to listen to Indie and keep the dates daytime and light.

2. My emotional bank account has a leak and as much as I try to fill it, I feel like I'm always on empty. This makes me want to move too fast in relationships. I'm not sure what to do to fix that leak.

3. I hate breaking up with people. I know no one likes to break up, but it bothers me more than I should so I think I have some unresolved issues there as well. It always takes the guys by complete surprise as they think things are going great. I don't like breaking hearts.

4. I started back to work substitute teaching in hopes of finding something full time next year. It is going well, and I already have a long term substitute position lined up for January. It is nice to feel like I'm good at something. BUT my free time is really limited. Add to that some additional commitments at my church and I just haven't had much time to get out.

I feel like I should have some of this figured out before I date again, but not dating really takes a toll too. Not sure what to do.

GM,

You have only been divorced for a little over 6 months.
You are trying to rush romance too fast.

Like my friend Han Solo says, Fast is good if you are piloting a Correllian Freighter and trying to outrun a Imperial Battleship.

But fast isn't so good when you are trying to make out with an alien with 7 arms that resembles Edward Scissorhands...you can get all cut up in the process.

Green,
I don't come on this site very often anymore since I got re-married but every now and then I like to see what everyone is up to. I love reading about people's dating stories.

Why did you break up with IT guy again?

When you say NOT dating also takes its toll, what do you mean? Is it that you're lonely, is it that you need male companionship, is it that you need to feel admired, are you bored?

Green, I totally understand, after being in a bad relationship for 15 years, it's a lot harder to slow down and wait than it is for the young kids who don't know what they are missing.

For numbers 2 and 3, it sounds like you may be dealing with an overactive giver? My mom had the same talks with me, as indie had with you, stop making yourself so available, take the time you need for yourself, too, let them take you out. If they are angry that you're not as into them as they are into you, that's a sign they're not willing to do the work. You would need two givers in check for a good relationship, not you doing all the work and your partner upset when you're not convinced you want more of the same.

Jedi- What gives you the impression that I am rushing or going too fast?

Just me: I initially broke up with IT guy because we had too many differences on some of the major areas I was looking for compatibility- religion, politics, parenting. I choose IT guy over salsa guy because I felt I had a stronger emotional connection with IT guy and, to be honest, I was more physically attracted to IT guy. I broke up with IT guy the second time because he stopped putting in effort and I felt we didn't match sexually. My drive was much higher than his. There were several concerns I had about salsa guy. We've stayed friends and at this point the only two concerns I have left are that he teaches salsa classes which means he is surrounded by women all the time due to the nature of his job. That worries me only because of being cheated on- I'm not looking to take any huge risks this time around. And secondly- I am not that physically attracted to him. I hate that part because I feel really shallow, but if he looked like- oh I don't know insert handsome movie star here, I would still be dating him.


As far as how dating takes it toll- I am really bad at being single. I absolutely hate alone time. I have plenty of hobbies, and friends, but I just have always felt it is more fun to experience life with a partner. I am very extroverted. Yes I'm lonely, Yes I need male companionship! Yes I need to feel admired! I need to be touched! Ugh. Needy. This is what I mean about feeling like I'm on empty all the time.

NED: I definitely struggle with an overactive giver. However, I do feel that every person I've dated has been really terrific. They aren't angry with me- they are sad because they want to still be with me. And I feel bad for hurting them- even though I logically know I must make the choice that is best for me, and that they'll get over it.

I have a tendency to prefer to get to know my friends better rather than make new ones. I feel this transferring into dating. I've been cycling around a few guys for most of this year instead of moving on and meeting new people. I just need to bite the bullet and get back out there. I really wish I could meet more people when I'm out. Meeting on a dating site puts lots of pressure on that you are dating. I'd rather meet someone out and see where that went. So much less pressure. But unfortunately- I meet few people my age I'm attracted to.

I'm stepping out and putting all my stuff back online tonight. Wish me luck!

How long were you divorced before you started having boyfriend issues?

This sounds like good advice

I was the exact same as you! I hated being single. I suppose that's why I stayed in my previous relationships longer than I should have - it was more comforting than that the thought of being alone. For the first 6 months after it ended I did not have one Friday or Saturday that didn't include plans outside of my house. I did ok Sunday-Thursday but the anticipation of being by myself on a Friday or Saturday night made me crazy. Eventually the day came where I didn't make plans and I looked forward to a Saturday night alone with nothing to do, and that's when I knew I was ready.

If something bothers you even a little bit early on, then you're right to cut the loss right away and move on. Those things won't bother you less as time goes on, they'll only bother you more. It should be easy. Everything should be easy for you when you first begin dating someone.

As for salsa teacher guy - Latin dancing is so sexual, I would NOT be able to handle that either. No way Jose!

So I kicked ex out in Jan 2013. Divorce finalized Jan 2014. Started dating in March. I'd say dating drama began the minute I started leaving my house. I stayed home a lot from Jan- Sep for lots of reasons- too many to list now, and it was awful. Once I started joining group activities, the date requests started rolling in, and I was turning guys down. Until March when I met someone I was attracted to and felt ready. (IT guy). Dating IS drama. It's trying to decide if the guy fits the criteria, and then deciding to let them go. It IS an emotional roller coaster by nature. Excitement, nerves, dissappointment, hurt. It's all part of the cycle. I see no way to avoid it. I in no way still feel hung up on my divorce. I've healed, forgiven, moved on. I no longer wish to be with him in any way. I feel like I am fully ready to date.

Regarding time alone- as a strong extrovert I don't know if I'll ever savor time alone. I certainly had plenty of it from Jan- Sep last year and it was really awful for me. It's not to say I don't have hobbies to entertain myself. I do. I just always prefer the company of someone.

GM,

Have you ever seen the movie Uncle Buck?
I usually encourage single women to watch that movie so they can learn how to identify good boyfriend material and then proceed accordingly.

Jedi,
Yes I've seen Uncle Buck. I think I do know how to spot a quality guy, and I think that I've met several wonderful guys this year. You know I've read/listened to all of Dr. Harley's stuff on dating. I'm looking for someone who meets all the criteria. That's a tall order. I assume it's just going to take time. I'm trying really hard not to settle since I am trying to break that pattern from the past. All I'm communicating here is that the dating process is an emotional roller coaster.

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It sounds to me you are not ready for a relationship. You have not given yourself enough time to process and recover from your divorce. If you need a relationship so you do not feel empty you are heading down a rough road. You will be constantly disappointed in your partner as they will be unable to fill the void. You are ready for a relationship when you don't need a relationship. Good Luck

Another option is to 'be a mail order bride for men in Alaska.
But I dont know if Dr Harley endorses this.

That's pretty much the opposite of Marriage Builders - Dr. Harley's position is that men and women have emotional needs that can be met only by another person. He does recommend being able to stand on your own and being psychologically healthy on your own - but he doesn't say for people to try to not need a relationship.