I am a 58 yr old male, well established, good job, own my home, retirement set, good physical shape,etc.
I met a woman with 3 kids 10, 14 and 15, 1-1/2 years ago who had gone through a bad divorce, SHE lived in her guest room to take care of the kids until her ex decided to get remarried and told her it was time to leave. I knew her from my gym and offered her a place to stay in one of my bedrooms.
Well, it wasn't supposed to happen, (yeah, I'm sure you've heard that b4) but she is 46 and gorgeous and yes, we started dating.
Her ex has the kids most of the time but we take them out and they stay with us some but we are 20 miles from their school district.
I do love her and she is wanting to marry. I have thought at times it was just how I have taken care of her that she wanted marriage, but there are many indicators that tell me she is truly in love.
My problem:
To marry her would mean that I have to sell my home in which I love and move to a place that is actually closer to work, but a place that I don't like as much and also live with her boys 50% of the time and be involved with their lives. I do like, but not love them. One has bad behavior occasionally.

Just asking for other thoughts here. Am I, as a 58 yr old, too old to get involved into a situation like this? I really hate to lose her and even more, hurt her feelings, but I just feel some reservations.
Any input would be appreciated and thanks.

Check out this thread Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It will give you some food for thought.>>>>>>> Here

Second marriages, especially those with children, suffer a really high rate of divorce - about 85%.

I suggest that even though you really like her a lot and want to help her, she should not be living with you. Living together has created a problem in that she seems to be in love with you, but you are not sure you want to take on marriage with her at this point.

From separate homes, you could continue to date her and wait until the youngest is out of the home.

Dr. Harley was saying a radio show that 2nd marriages where the guy is coming in to be a step-father for the children are more difficult than if a woman was coming in as the step-mother. And the situation is even more difficult when the stepchildren are boys with their mother.

The challenge with step-families is that it's very difficult to follow the POJA. Parents often feel badly about divorce and do what they believe is best for the children, even if it's not what the step-parent would like.

Thornguy,

Did your last two wives cheat on you, and did the woman you are living with cheat on her ex husband. I'm a bit concerned that you pain from two divorces may blind you to some character flaws with this current woman which are the same as prior wives.

God Bless
Gamma

More background on this woman. How many times married? Why did her marriages end? Does the story from her XH's match?

Thanks for your replies. The thread: Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders was a good read.
My 1st wife left me with two children at 16 years. I was a single Dad when I met my 2nd wife, who, after 12 years, decided her job in Europe meant more than me. No cheating by anyone!

This lady was married for 20 years to an abuser. She mainly stayed for the kids. They had already split, although in the same home, when she did start seeing others before the divorce was final.

She is a massage therapist and a photographer and does help.
We do church, motorcycle, exercise, share friends, etc., together and has been a great partner. We really enjoy each others company, but is the negatives of selling/moving and taking on 3 teenage boys outweighing the positives?

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts.

I would hit Notify and ask the MODS to move this to dating/relationships.

How many women have you dated since your divorce?

Dr. Harley addressed this question on his Radio Show.
You can listen to it here:

Segment 1: http://marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5061

Segment 2:
http://marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5062

Segment 3:
http://marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=5063

BrainHurts...been divorced for 4 years and have lost count of the many women I have dated...all of them wanted to get serious and I didn't feel that way about them until this one.
(I will move my post)

Thanks Jedi, I will listen to these.

Why would you have to move from your house? What is the custody agreement like? Does custody change if she lives closer to her kids? The ex was or still is abusive? What type of abuse?

Welcome to MB.

She has joint custody with her ex and they are supposed to do the every other week thing but hasn't been able to yet. She receives child support and handles all of the kids financials, doc, dentist, activities, etc. and we have talked about dating with her on her own to see how it works out.
She says her clock is ticking because she wants marriage but I'm in the camp of waiting to make sure.

Because she had no income at the time, he kept the house since they thought it best for supporting the kids.

You all made good points.

Dr. Harley says one of the best things to try while dating is POJA.

Have you read this?
The Policy of Joint Agreement

That would be a big to me.

How long have you been dating and how long has she lived with you? Did she date anyone else before she met you?

Sorry for all the questions, but I would be very concerned about her motives among all the other issues you would have to deal with if you married.

Was there genuine abuse or was it along the lines of disagreements on how to handle things? Sometimes people exaggerate when things don't go their way. One partner blowing the budget might call the responsible partner "controlling and stingy." A woman having lukewarm sex with her husband might blow that up into "forced intercourse." Just asking. She moved into a spare room but continued living under the same roof with her ex, kind of dilutes the "abuse" claim, to me.

The Red Flag that stuck out at me was;

Supposedly, he was abusive, yet she rarely has the children, while still enjoying the financial benefits of collecting Child Support from her Ex.

It sounds like others have noticed other gaping holes in her persona as well.

Also, so what if her "Clock" is ticking. Don't be rushed, just to be used.

LTL

I'm not a big fan of women that dont have their kids.
Typically, Dr. Harley often recommends that boys live with the father so I understand why they may live with the dad.

You are old enough to know not to rush into anything.

// Side bar to Belle: Those things ARE abuse! Abuse can be things other than physical. All of the lovebusters, like insults and DJ's are abusive, any arm twisting solutions to 'what I want' rather than PoJA is abusive. The example of a woman so mind controlled she thinks it is her duty to have sex is probably one of the worst examples of volunteering for abuse I can think of! Particularly if the man realises this and helps himself anyway!

Disagreeing is ALWAYS a factor is EVERY relationship. Disagreeing is OK, but using abuse to resolve disagreements is not. //

My advice to thornguy is this:

Do you understand the lovebank? The Lovebank means if you spend 15+ hours around somebody meeting their Emotional Needs you will be in love - with anybody pleasant. Every pleasant moment makes, say a penny, deposit. So long as the experiences are pleasant, rather than unpleasant, 15 hours of this creates a level of pleasantness we experience as romantic love.

The problem with you two is you've kind of been placed in a pressure cooker where you are probably spending way in excess of this time limit together. If you had just started dating normally, you may not have even felt the 'pull' to plan to be together this often. This might be why she 'truly' loves you. Because you inadvertently devote a level of time she wouldn't normally get from a man in a dating experience. Also, it is devoid of any abuse so you are a good contrast to her last experience.

I would live apart and try to date in the traditional sense. She needs to heal and get back on her own two feet. She also needs breathing room to see past you - you are her only post-marital experience and I don't think you want to be simply the next nice guy she meets. If you both feel like you HAVE to make plans to be together then that is a good sign.

Now it IS promising that your experiences cooped up together have been pleasant. She is certainly a candidate to consider. However I would suggest getting some breathing room, living apart and seeing if you still feel compelled to make time for each other. While doing that, I would read His Needs Her Needs for parents as it has a good chapter on stepparenthood and you could consider if you are up for that.

I'm also a bit concerned about her hurry. You might want to review Bs, Rs and FLs to identify which she is. If she is in a hurry to find a port in a storm it's reasonable to assume she isn't picky and doesnt see it as a lifelong commitment. On the other hand women just naturally dislike living with a man who isn't committed to them. Every women I ever knew who moved in smilingly with a man 'to wait and see' quickly became a finger tapping "where's my ring" type. Moving out tends to solve this.

Dr Harley recommends people date for two years prior to marriage.

That's not what Belle is referring to.
My ex wife told the court and her relatives that I drugged, kidnapped and raped her. There have been numerous posters her whose wives have got them thrown out of the house over "abuse" so they could move their affair partners in.

What Belle is referring to is the fact that in MANY cases, someone claims they are abused as a excuse to carry on an affair, or to simply make their ex look bad.

If there is true abuse, they should call the police.

Those examples are abuse. They are typical of the examples of the abusive relationships Dr Hareluy commonly sees in people who are long-term renters. The fact that some types of abuse are illegal, and others are not, is not the debate.

It was mentioned in the context of why the marriage ended. The OP replied 'abuse'. Belle's quibble that some things named abuse are not really abuse is an alarming thing to perpetuate on this site. Dr H says the way to identify abuse is to ask the victim.


That is not the case here. She was the one told to move out. The OP was asked about affairs (I would have asked him too as it is common for WW's to falsely claim physical or other type of illegal abuse) and he replied there was none.

Just because physical abuse is illegal and other types of abuse is not does not mean that she was not abused in other ways. That is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the ending of a mariiage. The OP has been asked about the likelihood of it being a facade for an affair and he replied negatively.

That isnt what Belle was referring to any way. She was saying that coercion and manipulation isn't real abuse. Which it is.

The fact that we probably have all done it does not make it one whit less abusive to the victim. Or make it less likely to end a marriage.

If it is something illegal. Obviously she would not if it was not illegal. That does not mean she doesn't have the right to leave an abusive person simply because they haven't broken the law.

I assume the details of any unreasonable behaviour would be included in her divorce papers which is one way the OP could verify her story.

Dr. Harley often encourages callers to contact the ex spouse and ask for their version of events.
I think that would be a good step here.

Contact the ex husband and ask why they divorced.

Yes he encourages daters to interview several people from their sweetie's past. He says the results are usually very enlightening!!

Do you know HER motivation for wanting to be with you? You rode to her rescue. Do you represent security for her? Would she be able to make it without you? Did she NEED you for a place to stay?

Will your retirement be set if you get involved in a marriage and things don't work out?


Has she dealt with the issues resulting from her bad divorce or do you notice some events trigger things in her. Are you set up to fail because she still has baggage to deal with?

So you are the white knight rescuing the damsel in distress. Is this love for her or is it convenience?




Danger Will Robinson DANGER. Lets look at the stats. Third time around marriage have around a 90% failure rate to start. Add in blended family issues and financial issues and voila you have a very precarious mixture of issues to juggle.
You are close to retirement age. If the youngest goes to college you will be looking at another 12 years of being daddy. That puts you to 70. Is that something you want to do?

You state one of the children already has behavioral issues. That sounds like you are going to add in even more frustration. Why is he going to listen to you? And the potential of your new wife resenting you for getting involved or not getting involved seems likely to me. Being a step daddy at this phase of life seems fraught with potential problems.

If I were you as much as it is delightful to have the company of a younger gorgeous lady I would not go any further. In my opinion she is looking for the security you offer, and the ability to have her kids more often. Your relationship will change from what it is now as you will be raising the kids together.

Also you have to move. Something you do not want to do, to raise kids you do not seem all that thrilled with. The potential for resentment on all sides seems high to me.

So why is her clock ticking? What is the rush? Who benefits from rushing and locking things down? It doesn't sound to me like you are gaining anything special. She has lots to gain.

If your gut reaction is giving you reservations there may be reason for that. You may want to surge ahead in spite of the statistics. Dr. Harley says most affairs don't over 2 years. I think that makes sense as in that time-frame you get to experience most sides of the the other person. How well do you know her? Spending habits? How she views discipline? Will she favor her kids over you? What does she feel she needs to contribute to the relationship?

From what you describe from your introduction it seems you have good reason to proceed slowly.

Good luck
BCBoy

As a woman with a teenaged son, Dr. Harley advised me to not marry until he is grown and on his own, and I would think that he'd advise the flip side of don't marry a woman with children (especially older ones). Just wait until they're grown and keep up the dates until then. Exactly what clock is ticking anyway?

Dr. Harley does not always advise this.

Okay, though I think I remember hearing once on a show him advising a man in a similar situation to wait. I want to be clear, too, I meant older children.