I am in a relationship with a narcsasits. Is there anyone familiar on this site with this that can talk ?

Welcome to MB.

Are you dating? Living Together?

Do you have any kids?

Also, have they been diagnosed with NPD?

Yes, I was in a relationship of 8yrs with someone with a Axis II personality disorder.

What do you want to know?

YES, yes, And how do you cope???

HOW do you cope? How long have you been in a realtionship. can you offer any tips ?

x 2

Why do you stay?

I was 8 years in that relationship.
Coped with it because I had no idea what was happenning actually. She was emotionally abusive and I had no idea how or why.

As soon as I got some information about the subject I tried to get out of the FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT-cycle by drawing BOUNDARIES for her. I stopped tolerating emotional abusive behaviour...

**EDIT**

KL-6, you can always email Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and author of 19 books for advice on his Radio Show: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

I have read and read and read about it, I try so hard not to take things personal. But the more i set boundaries and ignore his behavior and words the worse he gets. he now threatens to throw me out, I know he doesn't mean it but it hurts, he uses affection and sex as weapons and that alone is hard. The doc we are seeing makes him furious but he still goes ( 3 times now )Every time he got home from seeing him, he takes it out on me.

I will thank you. I also was told to find some people just to talk to . Kinda support group.

Can you please answer these questions?

Dr. Harley would encourage you to leave.
He does not support living together outside of marriage.

Please read this and let us know what you think.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I was married to one for 9 years, together for 11. He showed no signs of it when dating. The signs/traits came out after marriage and more over time. That's how narcissists work. All you have to do is put the term in google search and learn all traits. The more I enforced my boundaries and STOPPED enabling his narcissism, STOPPED letting him verbally, mentally, emotionally abuse me, the worse it got. He would get more and more drunk and more and more physical. He almost killed me the last time. He used to withhold love, affection attention and SF as well...threaten to leave, etc. I had no choice but to divorce. Sadly, I am still in love with him. You too, deserve better. Best wishes.

x 2 means yes to the first two questions .

If that is truly what he would do , then I will wait for him to due so. I honestly dont think you should speak for other people. I have read ALL his books and even passed them down to my Daughter in law and I DO NOT EVER remember him writing anything of the sort.

Living together or not living together it is all a state of Mind. If we have both been married before and have the agreement that we do not want to get married again because a divorce is not only costly but mentally a drain. Thats a choice we make together. A piece of paper and all the legal costs should not determine how people respect and treat each other in a relationship. TWO people must be willing to meet the needs of the relationship to make it work regardless if married or not. WE are both OK with never being married but learning to respect each others needs. Sometimes it does get hard without a bit of outside help. Especially if one of the persons has a PD. And thats not any different then one of the persons coming down with a terminally disease.

Actually getting married does make a huge difference in how people treat people. It is like the difference between buying a house or renting a house. People treat a house they have bought much differently than one they have rented. They tend to abuse rented homes.

Just consider a few interesting statistics. Did you know that 80% of domestic violence ocurrs in relationships where the couple either lives together or lived together before marriage? Domestic violence is almost unheard of in marriages.

Add to that the divorce rate in marriages where they lived together before marriage is 85% compared to 50% for those who didn't. Those are just the shackers that made it to marriage. Most don't make it that far.

Just the fact that a couple won't get married reflects a mindset that is not committed. You should read Dr Harley's article about the curse of living together. Very eye opening! Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

I beg to differ, having experienced marrying, loving, and living with my husband who came down with a "terminal" disease.

You are not married. You get what you get when that little piece of paper means so little. Considering the cost of a divorce in deciding whether to marry is a pretty good indicator that you are both renters. You're right though, it is a choice you both make together but you're wrong about whether marriage makes a difference in a relationship. Terribly wrong.

As far as getting outside help, there are plenty of relationship counselors. Nothing hard about that. The hard part is making the choice to stay in a relationship that lacks the commitment of until death do us part.

If you feel that I am incorrect, you can email Dr.. Harley directly at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com or notify the mods. They will remove incorrect MB advice.

The fact of the matter is, Dr. Harley speaks nearly daily about this on his Radio Show and has discussed this in great detail in his book, Buyers Renters Freeloaders.

A piece of paper for GOD sake means no more then the feeling " Til death do us part" You can give me stats and percentages, but the fact of the matter is it only takes ONE either in a marriage or not. An abuser does not become GOOD cause he is married, A cheater does not become faithful if he is married. A person who has cancer does not get better cause of marriage. PEOPLE are who they are if they are married or not. A commitment does not need paper, a ring, or a house or children. A lot of people stay married cause they dont want to deal with the crap of a divorce and they live unhappy til death do they part.

I did not get on here cause of this conversation, and the fact that we are not married does not HELP his NPD, I read so many books and that was NOT A CURE.

If you are not familiar with Narcissism or PD, I honestly dont think your advice on being married or not will be helpful. I created this post for people who are familiar with NPD.

But....the facts don't back up your position. Facts are facts. Living together curses relationships. The fact that you view such a commitment as nothing more than a "piece of paper" is another demonstration of why these relationships are fragile. If you don't take your relationship seriously enough to get married, I don't know why you would expect us to take it any more seriously than you.

Living together is no more serious than dating. Dating is a job interview for marriage. When the candidate flunks the interview it is time to move onto the next candidate.

If your partner has been diagnosed with NPD or BPD you have experienced the good part of the relationship. To stay you must become addicted to DRAMA and brace yourself for a wild ride.

The posters here are trying to indicate your relationship has cracks in the foundation. The belief held by Marriage Builders is in order to have a successful relationship it must be a committed relationship. Marriage is the tangible demonstration of commitment. This is not plucked out of the air but based on empirical evidence and experience dealing with relationships by Dr. Harley.

In closing you are in for a rough ride. There are discussion boards out there dealing specifically with NPD and BPD. It is not impossible to maintain a relationship but it is not easy. I would not even classify it as fun. You have some work to do on yourself to figure out why you are attracted to this type of person. In my estimation this relationship is a ticking time bomb.

Good luck

A lot of us are very familiar with Dr. Harley's advice and positions about NPD and about living together. The whole point of the board is to discuss and learn that advice. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with over forty years of marriage experience and also many years of experience operating and supervising a large chain of mental health clinics in Minnesota treating a wide variety of conditions and disorders.

Please read.
Living Together Before Marriage:Compatibility Test or Curse?