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Posted By: Newcase Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 04:32 PM
This is a post for any woman that may be in a similar situation I WAS. I post here another side of the coin of the same story, I will call it �flipping an abusive relationship�.
I want to say Dr. Harley is extremely gifted in letting you understand, and while speaking with him off-air and during radio show, I realized, OMG!!!!, I have to admit the word ABUSE to myself for it never to happen again. I mean, so many people posted that word in my other post in "surviving an affair", and I hated reading that word, my husband got moody too. My husband is sweet and good inside, I fell in love because there is so much to admire about him... but yet, he was, without knowing filling up many elements of what you call an ABUSER and I was allowing that to happen, also without knowing, without wanting to admit it. I called it unhealthy� nicer term, but even if you don�t want to call it abuse, you need to recognize the elements that make it unhealthy.
When me and my husband met, neither of us had close friends, for different story each. He 1) GRADUALLY started to get upset when I went out with any of my sisters, so I gradually 2) ISOLATED myself. My family was against the relationship because he was 3) CONTROLLING but 4) I DIDN�T WANT TO ADMIT THAT. 5) EVERYONE around me made comments about the unhealthy situation, and I refused to listen. I gradually found myself completely 6) ISOLATED, I had no friends but him�. But it didn�t matter, he was 5) MY KING, but I wasn�t a queen. Things start to escalate fast because 7) HE MAKES THE RULES, and I was 8) AFRAID of contradicting him. But I loved him, and he loved me� we had great moments together, but in between those great moments, there is frequent�
8) VIOLENCE. He never hurt me, and that is why I said it was okay. He only broke the closet, the walls, the bathroom, the wedding pictures, the light switches, the lamp�. And so on, but never purposely hurt me, what???? I wrote that before. He didn't hurt me physically, he hurt me emotionally. Don't minimize the 9)HUMILIATION, 10) VERBAL INSULTS and 11) DIMINISHING comments.
12) THERE WAS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE to make things be not so bad, something 13) BOTH OF US MADE OKAY, as in being in a blind bubble. 14) I DIDN�T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW�. And that past I will never reveal to my family, because it�s in the past and because I am 15) SO ASHAMED of all the stories I have.
I hate to admit, yes, I was OKAY with that life, not happy, OKAY. Would I leave him? No, I pressured change by leaving the house and having him call me and tell me again he LOVED ME and NEVER MEANT ANYTHING BAD to happen to me. A cycle that repeated over and over and over.
Then, one day, I grabbed my computer and googled my ex, and started a chat with him, and fell in love with him, and walked out on my husband by rubbing all his bad in his face for the first time, erasing all our good memories of us and not telling him about my ex. What on earth was I thinking? First I allow bad things in my marriage and then I go off and have an affair? I must have been crazy.
You hear a lot, and it is true, nothing excuses an affair, and nothing does, but that doesn�t erase your issues you had either, and maybe you want to express that and don't know how without justifying the affair. I would do anything to erase the affair, but yet, I struggled with how to deal with the past pain and repressed it with the guilt of the affair... I was practically dead when I came to the forum.
Anyways, I left my husband, met with my ex, and my husband called telling me he he was flying over to get me back as a changed man� I liked it, and I wanted that so bad, I made another horrible mistake� I never revealed anything of the affair. All my husband knew was I had been on a chat and met with my husband. 4 years later, he had a trigger for which he now wanted to know what had actually taken place before, reactivated my stupid old facebook account and so D-day came. I endured almost a whole year of 16) PUNISHMENT and 17) MIND GAMES he played on me, until I found this forum, and gradually regained control of my life. We failed several retries because there was still too much 18) MANIPULATION going on to not loose me but resist the changes, not to mention his 19)INNER ANGER.

You both can flip an abusive relationship, but you both need to admit what is going on first. I stood firm against each element that had been going on, and then he opened his eyes and stepped out of the bubble that blinded him to see and discovered he loves me and I love him and we can't do it by ourselves, we need a guide... MB plan.

Now we are both recovering from the pain of the affair and pain from the abuse.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 05:49 PM
Dr. Harley said to you:
"He knows full well what he did was wrong."
"My number one goal for you and your husband is to completely eliminate angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements ... I want you to focus on just those two things."
"What I'd like you to do is focus your attention on those first 5 chapters (in Lovebusters) ... You are perfect for my program."
"You and your husband are somewhat impulsive ... a person who is impulsive has trouble following a program."
"What we gotta focus on is your husband."
"If he is not treating you right, you should leave him."
"What we need to do is somehow get to the point where your husband sees this business of never being angry, never disrespectful, seriously."
"Read the first 5 chapters of lovebusters, over and over again ... that will give you more help than anything right now."
"Get back to us."

What do you think?
Posted By: Newcase Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 06:43 PM
I couldn't agree better. I am eager for the book to arrive.

Two words that got me hard was when Dr. Harley used the words "intentional" and "excuses"...

After hanging up, I flashed back to the first day I met him realizing so many things had been intentional, as opposed to unintentional, and suddenly started crying letting a repressed pain get away from my system, and my husband arrived and saw me, and hugged me with love, kissed me with passion, and said "I want to make you happy", wow!!! smile

We are both attending each other's needs, and now with the two new goals of eliminating angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments, I believe strongly we are in the path of flipping our lives.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 06:48 PM
What does your husband think of what Dr. Harley said?
Posted By: Newcase Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 06:55 PM
Agreed he has to work on eliminating angry outburst and disrespectful judgments.

Disagreed in that if I forget something, it is incorrect to say I wasn't the one who started an argument, because it is showing carelessness from my part... but as long as we agree on working on angry outburst and disrespectful judgments, I think we will be okay.
Posted By: markos Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 07:04 PM
Originally Posted by FSadSoul
Agreed he has to work on eliminating angry outburst and disrespectful judgments.

Disagreed in that if I forget something, it is incorrect to say I wasn't the one who started an argument, because it is showing carelessness from my part... but as long as we agree on working on angry outburst and disrespectful judgments, I think we will be okay.

Namecalling like "careless" is a disrespectful judgment, and he will need to stop using such judgmental labels.

We've found it's better not to try to analyze why the other did something - we stick to letting the other know that we were bothered. Trying to impute motives "you don't care about me," "you were negligent," etc., is disrespectful and leads to fights.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 07:05 PM
Quote
Disagreed in that if I forget something, it is incorrect to say I wasn't the one who started an argument, because it is showing carelessness from my part
Do you see the disrespectful judgement on his part there?
Posted By: Newcase Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 07:30 PM
oh!

We still have much to learn and practice doing... will get there.
Posted By: Newcase Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 03/06/15 11:24 PM
Justus, can I also have this post removed? Thanks
Posted By: JustUss Re: Flipping an abusive relationship - 03/07/15 12:40 AM
Your attention, please, to this thread in the Announcement Forum....

Please Remove all my threads/posts
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