Flipping an abusive relationship - 02/20/15 04:32 PM
This is a post for any woman that may be in a similar situation I WAS. I post here another side of the coin of the same story, I will call it �flipping an abusive relationship�.
I want to say Dr. Harley is extremely gifted in letting you understand, and while speaking with him off-air and during radio show, I realized, OMG!!!!, I have to admit the word ABUSE to myself for it never to happen again. I mean, so many people posted that word in my other post in "surviving an affair", and I hated reading that word, my husband got moody too. My husband is sweet and good inside, I fell in love because there is so much to admire about him... but yet, he was, without knowing filling up many elements of what you call an ABUSER and I was allowing that to happen, also without knowing, without wanting to admit it. I called it unhealthy� nicer term, but even if you don�t want to call it abuse, you need to recognize the elements that make it unhealthy.
When me and my husband met, neither of us had close friends, for different story each. He 1) GRADUALLY started to get upset when I went out with any of my sisters, so I gradually 2) ISOLATED myself. My family was against the relationship because he was 3) CONTROLLING but 4) I DIDN�T WANT TO ADMIT THAT. 5) EVERYONE around me made comments about the unhealthy situation, and I refused to listen. I gradually found myself completely 6) ISOLATED, I had no friends but him�. But it didn�t matter, he was 5) MY KING, but I wasn�t a queen. Things start to escalate fast because 7) HE MAKES THE RULES, and I was 8) AFRAID of contradicting him. But I loved him, and he loved me� we had great moments together, but in between those great moments, there is frequent�
8) VIOLENCE. He never hurt me, and that is why I said it was okay. He only broke the closet, the walls, the bathroom, the wedding pictures, the light switches, the lamp�. And so on, but never purposely hurt me, what???? I wrote that before. He didn't hurt me physically, he hurt me emotionally. Don't minimize the 9)HUMILIATION, 10) VERBAL INSULTS and 11) DIMINISHING comments.
12) THERE WAS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE to make things be not so bad, something 13) BOTH OF US MADE OKAY, as in being in a blind bubble. 14) I DIDN�T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW�. And that past I will never reveal to my family, because it�s in the past and because I am 15) SO ASHAMED of all the stories I have.
I hate to admit, yes, I was OKAY with that life, not happy, OKAY. Would I leave him? No, I pressured change by leaving the house and having him call me and tell me again he LOVED ME and NEVER MEANT ANYTHING BAD to happen to me. A cycle that repeated over and over and over.
Then, one day, I grabbed my computer and googled my ex, and started a chat with him, and fell in love with him, and walked out on my husband by rubbing all his bad in his face for the first time, erasing all our good memories of us and not telling him about my ex. What on earth was I thinking? First I allow bad things in my marriage and then I go off and have an affair? I must have been crazy.
You hear a lot, and it is true, nothing excuses an affair, and nothing does, but that doesn�t erase your issues you had either, and maybe you want to express that and don't know how without justifying the affair. I would do anything to erase the affair, but yet, I struggled with how to deal with the past pain and repressed it with the guilt of the affair... I was practically dead when I came to the forum.
Anyways, I left my husband, met with my ex, and my husband called telling me he he was flying over to get me back as a changed man� I liked it, and I wanted that so bad, I made another horrible mistake� I never revealed anything of the affair. All my husband knew was I had been on a chat and met with my husband. 4 years later, he had a trigger for which he now wanted to know what had actually taken place before, reactivated my stupid old facebook account and so D-day came. I endured almost a whole year of 16) PUNISHMENT and 17) MIND GAMES he played on me, until I found this forum, and gradually regained control of my life. We failed several retries because there was still too much 18) MANIPULATION going on to not loose me but resist the changes, not to mention his 19)INNER ANGER.
You both can flip an abusive relationship, but you both need to admit what is going on first. I stood firm against each element that had been going on, and then he opened his eyes and stepped out of the bubble that blinded him to see and discovered he loves me and I love him and we can't do it by ourselves, we need a guide... MB plan.
Now we are both recovering from the pain of the affair and pain from the abuse.
I want to say Dr. Harley is extremely gifted in letting you understand, and while speaking with him off-air and during radio show, I realized, OMG!!!!, I have to admit the word ABUSE to myself for it never to happen again. I mean, so many people posted that word in my other post in "surviving an affair", and I hated reading that word, my husband got moody too. My husband is sweet and good inside, I fell in love because there is so much to admire about him... but yet, he was, without knowing filling up many elements of what you call an ABUSER and I was allowing that to happen, also without knowing, without wanting to admit it. I called it unhealthy� nicer term, but even if you don�t want to call it abuse, you need to recognize the elements that make it unhealthy.
When me and my husband met, neither of us had close friends, for different story each. He 1) GRADUALLY started to get upset when I went out with any of my sisters, so I gradually 2) ISOLATED myself. My family was against the relationship because he was 3) CONTROLLING but 4) I DIDN�T WANT TO ADMIT THAT. 5) EVERYONE around me made comments about the unhealthy situation, and I refused to listen. I gradually found myself completely 6) ISOLATED, I had no friends but him�. But it didn�t matter, he was 5) MY KING, but I wasn�t a queen. Things start to escalate fast because 7) HE MAKES THE RULES, and I was 8) AFRAID of contradicting him. But I loved him, and he loved me� we had great moments together, but in between those great moments, there is frequent�
8) VIOLENCE. He never hurt me, and that is why I said it was okay. He only broke the closet, the walls, the bathroom, the wedding pictures, the light switches, the lamp�. And so on, but never purposely hurt me, what???? I wrote that before. He didn't hurt me physically, he hurt me emotionally. Don't minimize the 9)HUMILIATION, 10) VERBAL INSULTS and 11) DIMINISHING comments.
12) THERE WAS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE to make things be not so bad, something 13) BOTH OF US MADE OKAY, as in being in a blind bubble. 14) I DIDN�T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW�. And that past I will never reveal to my family, because it�s in the past and because I am 15) SO ASHAMED of all the stories I have.
I hate to admit, yes, I was OKAY with that life, not happy, OKAY. Would I leave him? No, I pressured change by leaving the house and having him call me and tell me again he LOVED ME and NEVER MEANT ANYTHING BAD to happen to me. A cycle that repeated over and over and over.
Then, one day, I grabbed my computer and googled my ex, and started a chat with him, and fell in love with him, and walked out on my husband by rubbing all his bad in his face for the first time, erasing all our good memories of us and not telling him about my ex. What on earth was I thinking? First I allow bad things in my marriage and then I go off and have an affair? I must have been crazy.
You hear a lot, and it is true, nothing excuses an affair, and nothing does, but that doesn�t erase your issues you had either, and maybe you want to express that and don't know how without justifying the affair. I would do anything to erase the affair, but yet, I struggled with how to deal with the past pain and repressed it with the guilt of the affair... I was practically dead when I came to the forum.
Anyways, I left my husband, met with my ex, and my husband called telling me he he was flying over to get me back as a changed man� I liked it, and I wanted that so bad, I made another horrible mistake� I never revealed anything of the affair. All my husband knew was I had been on a chat and met with my husband. 4 years later, he had a trigger for which he now wanted to know what had actually taken place before, reactivated my stupid old facebook account and so D-day came. I endured almost a whole year of 16) PUNISHMENT and 17) MIND GAMES he played on me, until I found this forum, and gradually regained control of my life. We failed several retries because there was still too much 18) MANIPULATION going on to not loose me but resist the changes, not to mention his 19)INNER ANGER.
You both can flip an abusive relationship, but you both need to admit what is going on first. I stood firm against each element that had been going on, and then he opened his eyes and stepped out of the bubble that blinded him to see and discovered he loves me and I love him and we can't do it by ourselves, we need a guide... MB plan.
Now we are both recovering from the pain of the affair and pain from the abuse.