Where is my forgiveness - 05/03/15 10:47 PM
I recently found out 5 months ago that my boyfriend had been sleeping with another woman. He ended the relationship and has been following no contact. We have both been working diligently on healing our relationship through daily work, self growth, audiobooks, forums, weekly and monthly check ins to review our progress, goals and needs and more. I have been happy with the commitment and believe in his love for me and desire to heal. He often struggles to "get it" and has made numerous mistakes during our healing but I have been supportive and understanding when I see and feel he truly is remorseful and is committed to put in the work to make things better. We have been extremely transparent with one another including access to email, Facebook and all other accounts.
On vacation together this last week I had used his phone to post some pictures of us on Facebook and did not log out. He looked at my "activity log" and saw that I had searched multiple ex boyfriends. He confronted me about it and I immediately confessed, was remorsful and ensured him that it was not okay for me to do and I would not continue.� I expressed to him that I have absolutely no desire to be with any of them, never contacted them and would do the work to understand where this was stemming from.� He has always been a fairly jealous person, seems to struggle at trusting me at times and this seems to be causing him to stuggle.� I have demonstrated I have always done everything in my power to protect our relationship and he will attest to that. I slipped up here by looking at their walls but never went so far as to contacting anyone. I know it's not fair to compare one wrong to another, but it's hard for me not to feel like this is rather minor in comparison to many of his mistakes. I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand what may have been driving me to even search for them in the first place when I honestly believe completely that I have no interest whatsoever in rebuilding and sort of a relationship with them or did I ever plan on contacting them.�
To make matters worse, on the flight home we were going through his "to do" list together on his phone and laughing at some of the ridiculous things he puts in there. We got to a point where it contained information about his affair partner including booking hotel rooms, buying gifts for her, etc... I learned that he would lie and say he had work meetings, etc, when he was actually meeting up with her in hotels during the day. This is triggering me to think about it whenever he goes to work now as well as added multiple other triggers.� I'm having an exceptionally hard time right now and am struggling more than ever. I believe his lack of compassion and forgiveness with my situation has made me really question my faith in our relationship and it breaks my heart and saddens me more than ever. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you kindly in advance for your help!
On vacation together this last week I had used his phone to post some pictures of us on Facebook and did not log out. He looked at my "activity log" and saw that I had searched multiple ex boyfriends. He confronted me about it and I immediately confessed, was remorsful and ensured him that it was not okay for me to do and I would not continue.� I expressed to him that I have absolutely no desire to be with any of them, never contacted them and would do the work to understand where this was stemming from.� He has always been a fairly jealous person, seems to struggle at trusting me at times and this seems to be causing him to stuggle.� I have demonstrated I have always done everything in my power to protect our relationship and he will attest to that. I slipped up here by looking at their walls but never went so far as to contacting anyone. I know it's not fair to compare one wrong to another, but it's hard for me not to feel like this is rather minor in comparison to many of his mistakes. I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand what may have been driving me to even search for them in the first place when I honestly believe completely that I have no interest whatsoever in rebuilding and sort of a relationship with them or did I ever plan on contacting them.�
To make matters worse, on the flight home we were going through his "to do" list together on his phone and laughing at some of the ridiculous things he puts in there. We got to a point where it contained information about his affair partner including booking hotel rooms, buying gifts for her, etc... I learned that he would lie and say he had work meetings, etc, when he was actually meeting up with her in hotels during the day. This is triggering me to think about it whenever he goes to work now as well as added multiple other triggers.� I'm having an exceptionally hard time right now and am struggling more than ever. I believe his lack of compassion and forgiveness with my situation has made me really question my faith in our relationship and it breaks my heart and saddens me more than ever. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you kindly in advance for your help!