Good Morning.
So I posted a few years ago about my husband and since then we are no longer together. We could not survive the affair, but there were a lot of underlying other reasons why we are apart as well.

Annnd I'm here again. So I have another wonderful story about a man I met a few years ago and truth be told I am not the greatest at expressing my feelings in writing, or in any way I suppose. I will just do my best to post here and answer any questions that pop up after.

I am a bit of an untraditional person and I do have trouble ending things. I'll just put that out there first and foremost.

So, me and my boyfriend have been together now for almost 4 years. He's been cheating on me I believe for the entire time. In the first year I had to tell him to get off of an adult sex site. Then I caught him again messaging with people Always sketchy with his phone, hiding it, etc.

He's on disability so he stays home during the day. There are 2 of my children involved. I work and he takes care with the children. About a year ago I searched through his phone and found out that he was sexting and sending pictures to other people: MEN included!!
That was bad enough. So I put a tracking device on his phone and found out recently that he was soliciting men for sex (I think men because I could only see "you can do me in the a$$ if you want" was what someone replied to him.

Every time I catch him he swears that he was never with anyone else physically and it never got that far.

Please feel free to ask me questions and I will fill in the blanks. There are a lot of blanks because there's been a lot that has happened.

So why would he continue to do this behavior if he wasn't getting anything out of it??? That's what I ask him. Btw about a year ago I noticed he had bumps on his penis. Warts?? He told me it was from his last GF, but that was 4 years ago??? I can't believe that it takes that long for them to come out??? I haven't noticed anything on me though.

I know I sound crazy, I'm just looking to talk about this and make sense of it. It's bad, I know, and I also know it's on me for allowing it to happen over and over.

One [censored] relationship to the next one. I feel stuck. I have 2 children and I need to work. I can't afford daycare and I'm separated from my husband so I can't leave the state and go to my fathers: he lives in PA. My mom lives in VA.

Also worth noting, he admits he has a problem and is seeing a counselor. After every time I catch him he talks about amping up his counseling and getting more aggressive about it, but cmon how many times have you stepped out on me??

I long for a relationship where it's just me and the other person and that's it. I've never been unfaithful to this man. Not once.
And sex? I feel like he's never satisfied. We do it at least once a day every day, sometimes twice or more a day. It's been that frequent for the entire time we've been together. Missed a day maybe 1 or 2 times.

As I said, I'm looking to talk about this. I know I should leave and be done with it. It's not a 'but I love him' thing, I really just feel stuck. I need to pay my bills so I need to work, can't leave the state due to the situation with my ex (we have our children together).

Part of it is I know I put too much stock in this relationship, or any significant other. It's me. I wish I was the kind of person who had a life outside of my relationship...friends, all of that. I'm just kind of a loner, at least now I am.

It's not you, it is what you are doing. Anybody involved in this pattern of behavior would end up where you are.

This is the problem with too much intimacy too early in a relationship. You find yourself in a fog before you learn enough about the terrain. The result is that you get lost and end up unable to cope with the simple facts that are obvious to others.

There is no future in the relationship you are in. He is not marriage material. Move on or accept the fact that your future will be miserable.

You are right on about the too much intimacy too early. And the fog, yes I can see that as well. I feel like by the time I got to see how he really was, I was already too deep in. My children were involved and everything. Plus I had just gotten out of a 15 year marriage that did not end well (failed business and everything).

It's been a tough few years for me.

So the realistic side of me knows what I'm in for. I have dreams of trying to convince him not to cheat on me.

What do I do now? Given my circumstances (to which I blame myself and hate myself for: my children are heavily involved, family in other states, bills, need to work)

And then having to tell my family about this. Another bad choice in men, I involved my young sons (5 and 7 years old) who are attached to this person. I haven't told anyone about it.

I would encourage you to make yourself some new rules to live by that would prevent this sort of situation from happening again. One rule Dr. Harley encourages for single mothers is to not bring men home when there are young children in the home.

Yep. I know it was a mistake and I blame myself and only myself for doing that. And I agree with you 100 percent.

Telling your family might help you to keep from making this mistake in the future. Dr. Harley often comments that if we all had cameras on us 24/7, we'd be a lot more careful in the choices we make.

You might consider asking your family to help hold you accountable.

I see where you are coming from. My family is not exceptionally supportive. I mean, they have always been there for more material needs but emotionally...no. I rarely speak to my mom and my dad and I are close but distant. I've always just done what I've wanted, hence the [censored] ups lol.

I've always kind of felt that this was some sort of major life lesson for me. Learning to be by myself...and that that was ok.

As I said before, I really feel kind of stuck. Have to work to pay my bills, children, family not close. I feel stuck with this person at this point because we have continued to build a life together.

I'm getting the impression you really just want to talk rather than changing anything.

I know it seems that way and yes I do want to talk as well. I just feel very stuck in this.

I also feel like he hasn't been completely honest with me, although I see the writing on the wall. He has never admitted to doing anything physical with anyone else. I know it shouldn't matter, but I've caught him in so many lies. I also feel like him not being completely honest with me has kept me in limbo too.

Someone just rip me apart.

He is a child molester. You can bet on it.

What makes you think that?

The number one molester of children is the mother's boyfriend. He has already proven he is a sexual deviant, and he's willing to lie to you about it. Men like this PURPOSELY seek out single mothers of young children.

And you leave your children alone with him for extended periods of time.

If you do not want him to continue doing to your children what he does with the perverts he finds online, then you need to get him out of your life TODAY.

And you need to read up on child molestation.

Yes he is definitely a sexual deviant. He's hitting up men on craigslist, gloryhole stuff, all of that. I caught him participating in an email chain having to do with gang bangs and orgies, like trying to participate.

I am going to read up on it.

Get him out of your life today. Protect your children.

He's getting something out of it, even if it's not something physical. Which I doubt. Men are goal oriented. If I message someone about having sex, I want to go have sex. I wouldn't waste my time trying to get something I didn't want. Men don't work that way.

Probably HPV. You may not notice signs yourself but it can cause cervical cancer in females. Why not both have tests done?


My first thought too...

Lies.
Just being sketchy with the phone means he is doing something he *knows* you would not agree with, but is doing it anyways. He just wishes to avoid your reactions. It's easier for him to do what he wants that way. Plus he is getting so much sex from you, why would he want to ruin a good thing?
Addicted to unfulfilling sexual acts and fantasies with other people. Even if this is an addiction, it's not a healthy one.
Lies. If there is nothing to hide he should be hiding nothing.
If I've learned anything here, it's that secrecy is the breeding ground for bad things to happen. If after four years he won't respect you enough to be open with his activity or even show a desire to change it........ yeah.
Expression of wanting to ramp up the counseling just sounds like a way to make you be quiet and give him more sex.

On a more kind note, I know it has to be rough feeling stuck and being financially dependent on such a person. There has to be help out there or a way to have your children looked after. I don't mean by such a sexually driven person either, I wouldn't let a child anywhere near a person with that type of personality/addiction.

I am very concerned about your children. Prisca is 100% right, many many MANY children are molested/raped and even killed by the mother's boyfriend. Yes you are making terrible choices for your own health and sanity. But good grief, you are a MOTHER and you need to stop considering yourself and your wants and put your children first. You are putting them in extremely harmful situations, your concern for that needs to trump your concern for yourself.

Stop using the excuse that you need to work and make a living as a reason to put your children in this harmful situation. Many single mothers work and even go to school while managing to care for their children without leaving them in the care of a sexual pervert. Every state has social services to help you if you are that disadvantaged. Have you even looked into what your options are?

There is lots to say about the destructive decisions you are making for yourself, but right now I don't even want to waste time talking about that because your children's safety trumps it.

I think you need to quit being so emotional and start carefully, methodically investigating your options and solve your problems. Get you and your children out of there (go to a women's shelter if you have to) and then find a new way to make things work.


I don't want to talk, and I have very limited time. I want to help people solve their problems and have better lives. If I sense someone is not going to do anything about their problems I will take my limited time and post to someone who can be helped. You are not stuck and you have lots of options. You need to find one and use it TODAY.

Doesn't sound like a man who should be alone with kids for one second. Please protect your children!

Are you divorced or only separated? If you are not legaly divorced, you should not be dating at all.

I'd look him up on the sex offenders registry too. Not saying he would be but if he is it should automatically make up your mind in what to do.

Kick him out now. Have the children checked by the the pediatrician tomorrow. There is no time to wait.

Have you had the child support adjusted since the divorce? In 4 years, there may be some changes to the calculation. Check your expenses too. Overspending on housing, transportation and utilities will sink your ship faster than anything else.

Lost and concerned:

Your boyfriend is testing you in that he's trying to pick out an enabling spouse. This is a very typical behavior of a pedophile. The test is how much can she know and still stay with me? How groomable is she? How much can I get by with?

So far you are passing his tests with flying colors while financially supporting him, too:

--caught him on sex sites
--allowed him privacy to continue his behavior; caught him again
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him and allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--caught him sending sexts
--caught him sending sexts to men
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--caught him soliciting men for sex
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--saw bumps on his penis
--bought the outrageous suggestion that they were latent for 4 years and showing up now -even though he knows you know he has recently been soliciting deviant sex all over the place
(still stayed with him, leave your kids with him & allow him the privacy to continue his behavior)
(still continue to support him financially)

--has an entrapped victim who will let him get away with ANYTHING while continuing to support him and give him private and unfettered access to her children.

Please read this link of a woman who was married to a pedophile for 40 years. She describes all of the enabling she did, ignorantly and blindly, while her x-husband only became more and more bold. No one called him out on his increasingly outrageous behavior and he was allowed to victimize children - likely hundreds or thousands of them - for decades.

http://www.findingahealingplace.com...sters-enabler-the-beginning-of-my-story/

You are truly a frog well boiled by now. You are observing outrageous behavior but have been acclimated to it step by step so you can't see it. We can see it.

PLEASE don't leave your children with him for another day; please take time off work if necessary to apply for social services help for daycare or flee to a women's shelter with your children.

You need to immediately ask the children all about their time with this predator.

PLEASE GET OUT NOW!!!

Hugs and prayers,
Sunnytimes

Lost and concerned:

This is a very difficult thing for you to consider or possibly acknowledge, but if you are unable to procure daycare for your children and if your child support does not allow you to support them, your children would be far better with their father's custody than being watched by a likely pedophile all day.

Alternatively, can you move closer to your xHusband so he can share this responsibility?

Can you move closer to either of your parents for child care help?

No job or reason to stay in your locality is worth the molestation your children are likely suffering at the hands of this sexually deviant man.

More hugs and prayers,
Sunnytimes

Please tell me you've done this^^^^^?

You've already received some very good advice here, to which you haven't responded. Boot him out of your life today and then buy a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It's important to be able to recognize what you do want and what you don't want.