Marriage Builders

I have read the entire MB site and LB and HNHN. Long story short SO wasn't ready to let go of an imappropriate relationship with his ex.

In December, the ex texted me screenshots of all their communications in hopes that I'd call it quits and leave him.

Since then, I've been jealous and anxious and insecure. He agreed to do Love Bank and our most important needs ... but now that it has been months he literally doesn't do them anymore.

We wrote up a plan ... "in the morning he wil... " and "afte work he will..." and now he is saying that the "plan" is not a contract so he can take it or leave it as he wants.

I will admit to being very angry with him at times. I will get triggered and pick a fight over it.

It all comes down to, I don't feel loved by him anymore.

The messages between him and the other lady... were adorable and flirty and sexual... the only thing he says to me is "how is your day?' and I am lucky to even get that.

Last night I literally cried to him and BEGGED him to say a "love word" to me.

He literally refused... he flat out watched me hurt and wouldn't say 1 nice word to me all night... he DID make every excuse in the book about why he wasn't going to do that. Mainly that he isn't a puppet.

How to proceed?
Originally Posted by izzysmomma
Last night I literally cried to him and BEGGED him to say a "love word" to me.

He literally refused... he flat out watched me hurt and wouldn't say 1 nice word to me all night... he DID make every excuse in the book about why he wasn't going to do that. Mainly that he isn't a puppet.

How to proceed?

Sounds as if he does not love you. Chasing a man makes a woman unattractive.

How to proceed? If you are not married it is really simple. Just stop seeing him.
Hello izzysmom, are you married? What do you mean by "SO?" Is/was he married to his ex? How long have you been together? Any kids?
Why would he choose to be with me- have us move an hour away- into his home (my 5 yr old and me) if he didn't love me?

We are not married. It wasn't until after we moved that I got those messages from her.

She admits to never loving him and would say they never were in a relationship- just fwb but he LOVED her with his whole being and wanted commitment from her that she wasn't willing to give.

She would come back in his life after a relationship fizzled for ego stroking- if that makes sense-
Also it isn't simple- my daughter adores him.
Why do you want to be with someone when he has someone else on the side? Don't you deserve better?
Read this Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Izzymomma i know this sounds so hard but it takes a really good man to raise a child not his own... and this doesn't sound like that kind of man of character. It is really painful for you and your daughter the longer you two are there. Do you have family or a friend you can stay with to clear your head of this push-pull? Then if he is ready to make a lasting commitment wait for that before moving back together. What do you think?
1. I am hoping that he is genuine when he says that the last time they spoke was in November.

2. I also feel like he doesn't love me. But what if he really does, but doesn't know how to express it?

3. Strangely enough, he LOVES my daughter. I know this to be 1000000% true. He is very attentive and sweet to her.

4. I must admit that when I am hurt... instead of being sad and vulnerable I convert it into anger. Being as I feel hurt and unloved all of the time- I am constantly fighting the urge to lash out at him and criticize his neglect.

I logically know that this is not beneficial in anyway.

I will cry and be sad and depressed while he is absent. But the moment I see him and try to get his undivided attention- and I am met with a big fat NO, instead of being sad I immediatley convert those feelings into anger.

I know this is a defense mechanism. But when I ask him to please give me 5 minutes of his time and he tells me no- I literally do not understand why he would tell me no "because I'm not your puppet" when I've said for months now that I feel worthless and you telling me I'm not worth the "5 minutes" KNOWING how much it'd mean to me... is not going to happen- I lash out and attempt to explain myself- as to why I NEED THAT and the more I am met with excuses the more hurt (and angrier) I become.
2. I also feel like he doesn't love me. But what if he really does, but doesn't know how to express it?

3. Strangely enough, he LOVES my daughter. I know this to be 1000000% true. He is very attentive and sweet to her.
Is he ever alone with her?
Please get that book. You must know on some level that your anger is keeping you from dealing with the facts. A buyer wants to make you both happy but a renter is not invested in your happiness. You deserve to hold out for a buyer who will marry you and build a life together.
A man who neglects the woman he is with but loves and adores her daughter isn't normal. I would be very worried about the well-being of my daughter if I were in your position.

How do you think that my anger keeps me from dealing with the facts? Honest question- no snark intended.


He'd never hurt her, but no he's never alone with her. But I appreciate your concern. I'd torture and kill anyone that ever hurt my baby and I would never put her in a situation where she'd be harmed.

He is a good person- he just isn't a very good love partner.

I will look into your book suggestion, thank you.
When you lash out in anger the the conversation shifts to you defending yourself about how no you don't want a puppet. That is a ridiculous topic to discuss you both already know what you are asking for specifically and it's not puppetry. Most women's top two ENs are conversation and affection and he knows how to give that or you would not have fallen for him to begin with. But you set the bar too low are willing to stay in a relationship that is not leading to security for you and your daughter.

It is a rough situation because you have invested so much but there is no lasting motivation there. Renter relationships by nature become more volatile.
Just finished reading buyers renters and freeloaders- will be back tomorrow to reply further.
I'm looking forward to hearing what you think. Your anger is a signal that you're not happy but picking a fight is a renter way to seek what you want and further destabilizes a situation you are rightfully already feeling insecure in.
Good Morning and thank you for the suggestion of BRF. I enjoyed the read- I am in a rigorous nursing program rt now (on spring break atm) and the fact that I spent my 'free time' reading this book in basically one sitting says a lot.

Um, sometimes it is hard to admit ugly truths, but I feel that I may actually be an efp that he refers to in the book. smirk

I have the greatest intentions but after his ex sent all that stuff it just destroyed me.

I have a feeling that he should be MORE loving and MORE... basically prove to me that he chooses me- type of behaviors.

And when I am met with a blank stare or more often, an excuse as to why he can't I fly off the handle like the efp in the book. I mean I will flip the f out. Scream and even insult him. I am not proud of this fact. frown

This is a startling realization.

Before it gets to that though, I will literally tell myself "I am going to be the best significant other to him to give him tokens" and I will do it... that is until my taker notices that my giver is just going ang going and then I will get resentful.

My problem is my ANGER to him. It seems out of control once it starts- my reasoning is that instead of him being even a little understanding of my feelings he will immediately make an excuse or say "me too" and bat it back at me.

Like, "honey since the affair I have felt kinda unloved and worthless- i would like it if we could go back to you giving me the 1st 5 mins of your day o nce you get home."

He will defend "It's been 3 months- I am not in control of your feelings- you choose your feelings. You need to be flexible if I can't give you my 1st few minutes..."

like that and then I am just like.... "why couldn't you say, "i understand that the affair was a blow to your self esteem and I want to do what I can to help out."

I don't feel like he cares about my side of things. He thinks I should just be over it.

I like the POJA in the book

It makes great sense but is also unrealistic. For instance, he goes out f town ALot. And that is when they would do most fo their flirting... he'd stay up all night with her talking and texting and flirting...

So I am very insecure when he leaves and I'd love it if he didn't- but it isn't realistic, he'd lose his job.

I want to be a buyer. I am committed to him.

And he says he is committed to me- but just last night he stated that if I did to him what he did to me (regarding the exgf) he'd just dump me and my daughter.

Bu when I held his feet to the fire of what he just said he restated it that if he perceived I did it to hurt him- he would leave me.

So, then, he isn't a buyer- and with that he got angry and no longer wanted to discuss it.

I believe that if I could not be reactive to his cavalierness, I might be able to explain.... but then again... my desire to explain my side is what inevitably leads to the argument that turns into a screaming match...

Maybe I'm just broken.
Izzysmom every woman needs affection and conversation. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting that. It's what you need in order to stay in love and keep in the relationship.

Can we help you guys brainstorm different career options? This one isn't conducive to marriage. And extending renting is an unstable situation for your daughter.
He's not interested in committing to you. He won't marry you and flirts with others. Most men would be happy with steady sex and a cleaner/companion. You're probably angry because you think doing this for him should equal committment. Why are you doing this to yourself and your child? If a man wants to commit to you, he will. This one doesn't.

There is no other work option. He is basically the CEO of a company now.

I feel like if I could just be peaceful and loving in spite of his coldness then he would eventually warm up to me. This has happened in thepast... we were in real love ... we had sex often (we never do anymore) I felt loved by him- but then the ex sent me 8 months of texts messages between him and her and since then there has been no love.

So I believe he is capable of being loving- I just can't convince him to be that way and I feel like if I could just BE OK with his coldness long enough to not react to it then his loving side would come back to me...

But I can't... I am so lonely that i mean to be perfect... but my feelings inevitably surface.


I think that he would commit to me if I was the loving kind trusting girl I was prior to seeing the text messages. I think he would marry if I could prove to him that I wont lash out in anger over resentments.
Dating is an interview for marriage. IMO, this man is clearly not marriage material. He has failed the interview.

I don't think you see this because for some reason you seem to have set your bar very, very low. Do you not think you deserve more than this:

*cheating with ex while you are dating and living with him
*showing little remorse to cheating, demanding that you 'control your own feelings' and basically move on
*not trying to pay you any just compensation for the cheating, or do any work to recover your relationship or make you feel safe
*won't show affection
*won't spend time with you
*has a traveling job that leaves him open for cheating/affairs

I want to point out here that many of us have come here after years of marriage and children together, to try and turn these things around in our marriages. We have, with TWO WILLING PARTNERS, been able to do so. Recovering from all of these things takes time and a heck of a lot of effort for both people to train themselves new habits and learn how to treat each other with extraordinary care. You have a much less incentive to spend this time and effort on a man who you are not even married to and do not have children with! More importantly, in any situation, whether it is a marriage or dating relationship, you cannot fix issues without the willingness of both partners. In your situation, your boyfriend has shown to you that he is NOT willing to fix this. He wants you to just accept things as is.

There are many, many men out there that would treat you much better than this.

I also want to say that my *creep meter* went up when I read what you wrote about how he has no interest in you, but is very close to your young daughter. I know NO mother would want to believe they put their child in harms way, but many many mothers unknowingly do as 'mom's boyfriend' is the greatest threat to a child's safety. Think about it.
I think, though, that if I could curb my resentment he would come back in a more loving way.

I know yall are looking out for my LO. And I do appreciate the sentiment. But my bf is not a risk to my child. He's a very good person- just set in his ways and not use to having to compromise.

1. he is 33 and has never had a real gf. He lived with his mother til he was 30 to save money for his house. The girl he hung out with on the weekend (in his moms house so... you can imagine that he never ever dealt with real relationship issues as they never even spent the night together) and to her it was just a friendship but he was in love with her... desperately in love with her.

I am his first "go" at a real love relationship. So he is learning now, what a 21 year old would be learning.

I am not saying this to disparage him. I just want to give context. He is inexperienced in compromise. He has lived a 1000000000000% selfish existence his whole life. (his mom cooked and did his laundry etc.. til he was 30)

He hates that i am on here- he feels I don't say the whole story- mainly how vitriolic i can be when I feel .... insignificant.

I believe that he will commit to me if I can chill the f out.
Originally Posted by izzysmomma

I think that he would commit to me if I was the loving kind trusting girl I was prior to seeing the text messages. I think he would marry if I could prove to him that I wont lash out in anger over resentments.

He'll commit to you if/when you STFU about him doing things like lying and cheating?

Well, if that's what you want in life, I don't think anyone here can convince you otherwise. Where is your self worth? Why are you so desperate to change this man? Better yet, why do you refuse to believe who he is?

Okay, let's say he is 33 with no relationship history. Whatever. You're a grown woman with a child and know better - tell me, when has a woman EVER fixed a lying, cheating boyfriend and turned them into an amazing, committed husband? Crickets...
Well fwiw I think it's a great idea to stop lashing out in anger while making a backup plan for you and your daughter if that doesn't alone fix the problems you came here for. Namely not getting the commitment and UA time and EN meeting you would need in order to feel loved.
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums