I really don't know what to think - 04/17/17 02:53 PM
Hello,
I'm Jessica and I'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions right now. I'm kind of obsessed with every single site about affair recovery. I also bought some books about it and I'm trying to understand what happened to me. The thing is that I don't feel like my case apply to any of those I learned from. I just wish to have experienced people opinions about my situation.
I'm 26 years old, but I've never had a boyfriend before my fianc�. I'm christian and I was saving myself for my husband. That really influenced my life, because not that I find my decision wrong, but the way I handled it made me really innocent, right now I even feel stupid.
I never really wanted to date someone who wasn't like me or who didn't share my beliefs. But when I met my fianc� I was disappointed at life and he showed me such affection that I had ever experienced.
So we went out in a couple of dates, but after that I tried to finish things saying we were too different. He was so frustrated and really insisted that we should be together because we had something special. My parents didn't approve because he was once married (his wife left him for another man and took his child away) and I should be with someone like me. He felt really bad, because he knew that I liked him and even so I was letting him go.
After a couple of days I decided to face my family and say that I would be with him and I did it. He was really happy, but I was too scared because it was a big step and I knew we were too different. He said he would do anything, so we kept going. The one thing I told him was that I was saving myself for marriage and he agreed.
Then it all started. We would do things that I felt wasn't appropriated and then would blame him. Sometimes I really tried to change the way he were just to my family to approve him more. I wasn't even seeing I was doing that. I accept the way he were, but I wanted my family to love him. We started having big fights almost every week about our differences, sometimes about my fears. I even tried to break up with him a lot of times, because he was getting angry at me. I felt guilty and sometimes I would read stuff about how to make someone fall out of love, just for him to leave me as I couldn't leave him.
But my family eventually accepted him, but my mother didn't take well when she found out that I lost my virginity to him. I felt really guilty about it. Sometimes I went to his house and we had sex, but the other day I would feel guilty and say we would never to that again before we are married. We had a lot of fights, because he said that he felt really lonely and he needed me. The fights never stopped. But he wanted to marry me to make things happen, he never stopped planning on marrying me. We got engaged on February 2016.
Then on March 22 I found that he cheated on me with an ex. I was devastating, because I read everything that talked online. I know he was having a hard time, because the grandparent who raised him was with terminal cancer, still I can only see the lies and cheating. First time he talked to her was on April 2016. He talked about sex they had on the past and asked her to have sex with him again, the only thing they talked was about sex! Then on September 2016 I broke up with him, the same day he talked to her about sex and asked her to come see him in his town. He even payed her tickets. We came back together the next day, but he didn't cancel her trip. So she stayed with him for three days. He said the treated her badly (she confirmed accidentally) and that it meant nothing, he was just feeling really weak and lonely. But when he was with her, he went to my house to give me presents with our names on them! Now I think he went there so I wouldn't suspect anything, and that's exactly what she told me.
At the time I didn't know anything. So we kept going on our wedding plans and still we were fighting about lots of things, because the divorce papers from his first wedding were not with him, and he had to make contact with his ex wife and that was really stressful time for him. Another fight we had was because he wanted to marry me before the civil wedding and I refused because it didn't feel right at the time. He said I was selfish because he grandpa was dying and it was the only chance of him seeing him getting married. Until now he blames me for it.
On December we had a fight because he went to the city of his grandparent and tried to talk about sex with me on the phone (he probably was addict to it because of the other) and even tried, but I felt so dirty that I told him to stop. Then he said we would never work out, because I always made him feel like garbage. He decided to continue with me, but some days after that he called her to come to where he was (she lived there too), she went and he cheated again. Then he called me to go there to be with him and I went. We were fine for 10 days, his grandpa was really bad and feeling pain, he was really sad. When I came back home before new year, he cheated with her again. Then he came back to our city and I think he stopped talking to the girl. At least it how I understand. When he was out of town working he got the news that his granpa with die within some few days, the same day we had a fight over a stupid thing. He blames me forever for that. He went to see his grandpa and broke up with me. I couldn't come to the funeral, but the next day I said I would go see him. The next day I was there and he treated me really badly (the other had appeared in the funeral), I even suspected he was talking to a woman on his phone once. Then we had a big fight, he humiliated me and was so angry. I just had to come back home and I did. I knew he was devastated and broken inside, but I didn't have the strength to stay and be treated that way. It turns out that he went out with her a couple of times there. And even appeared drunk at her house saying he would never forget her. Meanwhile he was calling me saying he was sorry for the way the treated me and still wanted to get married. I knew something was up, because she started posting old pictures he took of her on their old dates.
I was really angry and confronted him, he denied everything. But one of the pictures was the same he had on his instagram and I asked him to delete it and he always told me it meant nothing, he had just forgotten (the woman couldn't be seen clearly on the picture, just the landscape). Once he came back we went out and I went to his house saying that I was decided to change my ways and make our relationship better. We had sex and promise to be together again and get married. He deleted the picture and blocked her as I told him to. Only that she was so angry that she told me everything. She called me bad names and threatened me. I was really scary, angry, sad, disappoint and terrified. I couldn't understand why he did it, she wasn't a person to be even trusted. She is known in her town as a reckless young woman who would have sex with anyone. Even a friend of mine confirmed that when she was dating my fianc� she cheated on him many times. She was kicked out of her job because she had sex with her boss's husband! How could he even develop feelings for her? Saying he would never forget her? Or even missing old times where they had whatever adventurous sex it was?
Now he said he was just feeling weak and lonely and didn't feel loved. He was feeling suffocated with my expectations He said he didn't know if the relationship would work out, but he couldn't really break thing with me. He tried, and couldn't. He said that I have to accept that he also has needs.
I feel like forgiving him. We went to counseling. The therapist said that I have to see what he did as a pathology, something I can't cure. She said this is up to the therapist. She said if it wasn't for this situation with his grandparent she would be a lot of hard on him. She said I would never find anyone perfect, and even in a new relationship I wouldn't have guarantees.
I would really like some opinion on this. Because I don't know if I can forget the images from the conversations I've read. I don't know if I can be happy with him, even though he has a lot of qualities. I think that if we get married he will not be satisfied with me and search for someone more sex driven. I'm really afraid he would do it again. Even though he's trying hard to make me feel safe, I just don't seem to get over it.
I would really need some help. I'm really sorry about the size of this story. I have trouble getting to the point.
I'm Jessica and I'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions right now. I'm kind of obsessed with every single site about affair recovery. I also bought some books about it and I'm trying to understand what happened to me. The thing is that I don't feel like my case apply to any of those I learned from. I just wish to have experienced people opinions about my situation.
I'm 26 years old, but I've never had a boyfriend before my fianc�. I'm christian and I was saving myself for my husband. That really influenced my life, because not that I find my decision wrong, but the way I handled it made me really innocent, right now I even feel stupid.
I never really wanted to date someone who wasn't like me or who didn't share my beliefs. But when I met my fianc� I was disappointed at life and he showed me such affection that I had ever experienced.
So we went out in a couple of dates, but after that I tried to finish things saying we were too different. He was so frustrated and really insisted that we should be together because we had something special. My parents didn't approve because he was once married (his wife left him for another man and took his child away) and I should be with someone like me. He felt really bad, because he knew that I liked him and even so I was letting him go.
After a couple of days I decided to face my family and say that I would be with him and I did it. He was really happy, but I was too scared because it was a big step and I knew we were too different. He said he would do anything, so we kept going. The one thing I told him was that I was saving myself for marriage and he agreed.
Then it all started. We would do things that I felt wasn't appropriated and then would blame him. Sometimes I really tried to change the way he were just to my family to approve him more. I wasn't even seeing I was doing that. I accept the way he were, but I wanted my family to love him. We started having big fights almost every week about our differences, sometimes about my fears. I even tried to break up with him a lot of times, because he was getting angry at me. I felt guilty and sometimes I would read stuff about how to make someone fall out of love, just for him to leave me as I couldn't leave him.
But my family eventually accepted him, but my mother didn't take well when she found out that I lost my virginity to him. I felt really guilty about it. Sometimes I went to his house and we had sex, but the other day I would feel guilty and say we would never to that again before we are married. We had a lot of fights, because he said that he felt really lonely and he needed me. The fights never stopped. But he wanted to marry me to make things happen, he never stopped planning on marrying me. We got engaged on February 2016.
Then on March 22 I found that he cheated on me with an ex. I was devastating, because I read everything that talked online. I know he was having a hard time, because the grandparent who raised him was with terminal cancer, still I can only see the lies and cheating. First time he talked to her was on April 2016. He talked about sex they had on the past and asked her to have sex with him again, the only thing they talked was about sex! Then on September 2016 I broke up with him, the same day he talked to her about sex and asked her to come see him in his town. He even payed her tickets. We came back together the next day, but he didn't cancel her trip. So she stayed with him for three days. He said the treated her badly (she confirmed accidentally) and that it meant nothing, he was just feeling really weak and lonely. But when he was with her, he went to my house to give me presents with our names on them! Now I think he went there so I wouldn't suspect anything, and that's exactly what she told me.
At the time I didn't know anything. So we kept going on our wedding plans and still we were fighting about lots of things, because the divorce papers from his first wedding were not with him, and he had to make contact with his ex wife and that was really stressful time for him. Another fight we had was because he wanted to marry me before the civil wedding and I refused because it didn't feel right at the time. He said I was selfish because he grandpa was dying and it was the only chance of him seeing him getting married. Until now he blames me for it.
On December we had a fight because he went to the city of his grandparent and tried to talk about sex with me on the phone (he probably was addict to it because of the other) and even tried, but I felt so dirty that I told him to stop. Then he said we would never work out, because I always made him feel like garbage. He decided to continue with me, but some days after that he called her to come to where he was (she lived there too), she went and he cheated again. Then he called me to go there to be with him and I went. We were fine for 10 days, his grandpa was really bad and feeling pain, he was really sad. When I came back home before new year, he cheated with her again. Then he came back to our city and I think he stopped talking to the girl. At least it how I understand. When he was out of town working he got the news that his granpa with die within some few days, the same day we had a fight over a stupid thing. He blames me forever for that. He went to see his grandpa and broke up with me. I couldn't come to the funeral, but the next day I said I would go see him. The next day I was there and he treated me really badly (the other had appeared in the funeral), I even suspected he was talking to a woman on his phone once. Then we had a big fight, he humiliated me and was so angry. I just had to come back home and I did. I knew he was devastated and broken inside, but I didn't have the strength to stay and be treated that way. It turns out that he went out with her a couple of times there. And even appeared drunk at her house saying he would never forget her. Meanwhile he was calling me saying he was sorry for the way the treated me and still wanted to get married. I knew something was up, because she started posting old pictures he took of her on their old dates.
I was really angry and confronted him, he denied everything. But one of the pictures was the same he had on his instagram and I asked him to delete it and he always told me it meant nothing, he had just forgotten (the woman couldn't be seen clearly on the picture, just the landscape). Once he came back we went out and I went to his house saying that I was decided to change my ways and make our relationship better. We had sex and promise to be together again and get married. He deleted the picture and blocked her as I told him to. Only that she was so angry that she told me everything. She called me bad names and threatened me. I was really scary, angry, sad, disappoint and terrified. I couldn't understand why he did it, she wasn't a person to be even trusted. She is known in her town as a reckless young woman who would have sex with anyone. Even a friend of mine confirmed that when she was dating my fianc� she cheated on him many times. She was kicked out of her job because she had sex with her boss's husband! How could he even develop feelings for her? Saying he would never forget her? Or even missing old times where they had whatever adventurous sex it was?
Now he said he was just feeling weak and lonely and didn't feel loved. He was feeling suffocated with my expectations He said he didn't know if the relationship would work out, but he couldn't really break thing with me. He tried, and couldn't. He said that I have to accept that he also has needs.
I feel like forgiving him. We went to counseling. The therapist said that I have to see what he did as a pathology, something I can't cure. She said this is up to the therapist. She said if it wasn't for this situation with his grandparent she would be a lot of hard on him. She said I would never find anyone perfect, and even in a new relationship I wouldn't have guarantees.
I would really like some opinion on this. Because I don't know if I can forget the images from the conversations I've read. I don't know if I can be happy with him, even though he has a lot of qualities. I think that if we get married he will not be satisfied with me and search for someone more sex driven. I'm really afraid he would do it again. Even though he's trying hard to make me feel safe, I just don't seem to get over it.
I would really need some help. I'm really sorry about the size of this story. I have trouble getting to the point.