Hello everyone,

Almost a year after my divorce, I have decided to start dating again. I thought I'd journal my experiences here, as I respect the opinions of the many MB vets on the forum, and maybe to help some of the newer members here.

I'll give a little background first, for those who don't know my story.

D-day was in January 2017, when I discovered my wife of 22 years was having an affair with a coworker. Our triplet children (girl, boy, girl), were 16 at the time and though I was devastated from the affair, I wanted to save our marriage and family. She denied a physical affair or even an emotional one, claiming that they were merely good friends. I learned a few weeks later that the affair had continued unabated, and had been physical from the very start, at least 2-3 months. I followed the instructions in the exposure thread, exposing the affair to the other man's wife, their employer, and both of our families. She was furious, refused to consider saving the marriage, and filed for divorce. I continued the Plan A I had started after d-day, remaining polite and civil to WW through the divorce process, despite her increasingly hostile and even vicious behavior towards me.

The divorce was final in November 2017, and we agreed to 50/50 custody of the children. The kids alternated between us every 7 days, but I found the weeks I didn't have them very difficult. I wanted to spend as much time with my children as I could, as they would be turning 18 and graduating from high school in less than a year, then going off to college. My mother passed away in June 2017, so my father and I spent the next year spending time together and supporting each other.

In May 2018 my father started dating a widow, so we see less of each other than before. My kids started college and moved out in August 2018, and I found it even harder to adjust. I missed them terribly, especially the first month. So with my kids busy in college and my father busy with his lady friend, I really needed to meet new people. As a Catholic, I was very hesitant to date without an annulment. Many Catholics view dating without an annulment the same as many here view dating while separated�.infidelity, an affair, adultery. I wanted to do the right thing, especially to be a good example for my children. I sought guidance from my friend, a pastoral associate and former nun. She told me that there is no consensus on dating before annulment, and that I would likely get different answers from different priests. Advice would probably range from "don't do it" to "practice extreme caution". The Bible doesn�t discuss dating, as it's a more recent development in human history. Her opinion was that if the dating was chaste, there was no sin, the same as two never-married people dating chastely. Many years ago, I had regretted having premarital sex with my then-wife and a girlfriend before her. Now that I understand emotional needs better, I see that sexual fulfillment fills my love bank quickly, and I fall in love too quickly. I recognize now that premarital sex had seriously clouded my judgment, and I missed some warning signs about incompatibility with my future wife, now WXW. I want my next marriage to be a successful one, using MB principles. If I fall in love again, it won't be from sex clouding my judgment.

So with a clear conscience, I decided it was time to start dating again. I've spent many hours reading the Dating forum threads, and have read Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" twice. I took to heart Dr. Harley's advice to go on dates with a lot of different people, and that within 30 dates, I would find at least one that was a very good match. I was intrigued by Dr. Harley's concept that everyone has their natural "lovers", "likers", "dislikers", and "haters". My hope was to find my natural "lover", someone who could meet my emotional needs effortlessly, as I could for her emotional needs.

In late August, I joined Match.com, CatholicMatch.com, and Christian Mingle. It took me a few weeks to get my profile the way I liked it, and then I started sending short messages to women that interested me. I know many people don't like online dating, but I've had good experiences with it so far. Sure I've been ghosted a few times when a woman just stops replying back to messages, and one woman did cancel a first date at the last minute and never heard back from her. But I've had a lot of messages and "likes" sent my way, and one week I was messaging with seven interesting women between the three dating services.

Of these seven women, I asked three on dates, and all accepted. I had very enjoyable dates, all three of them very lovely and pleasant women. On repeat dates, I used our conversations to learn more about them, with the intent to find out how compatible we were in the areas that Dr. Harley suggests (intelligence, energy, social interest, cultural background, values).

In the next episode: telling my kids that I've started dating

In this episode: telling my kids that I've started dating

[as I have 18-year old girl/boy/girl triplets, I will be referring to them as DD1/DS/DD2]

On a Friday night in September, I was sitting at the table having supper with my three kids. One of them was trying to plan something with me, and I mentioned that I was busy that Saturday. DD1 asked me what I was doing, and I wryly replied "Hmm, I'm not sure if I should say." She put her hand to her face and said "Awww, do you have a date?!" I had not yet discussed with them my decision to start dating. In truth, I wasn't sure what their reaction would be, but I could see they were all enthusiastic that I start dating. Phew!

My reply to DD1 caught them all by surprise. "Actually I have two dates, one in the morning and one in the afternoon."

DD1: "Two dates?! With different women?"

It would seem there are similarities between how teens date today and how teens dated back in the '80s, when I started to date. They don't "go on dates" with different people. They basically make a boyfriend or girlfriend, and date exclusively with that person until it inevitably ends, then they make a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

I didn't go into great detail about Dr. Harley's dating advice and 30-date theory, but I explained to them that I wanted to have casual, fun dates and meet new people. By dating a number of different women, it would help me learn what traits in a woman appealed to me, and how I could better appeal to women.

The first week of October I had three dates planned with three different women; one each on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. When DS learned this, he said to me "Dad, you realize that at some point you're going to have to pick just one of these women? You can't keep dating all of them, right? What if you start developing feelings for more than one of them, you're not going to string them along, right?"

I explained that the early dates are like interviews, where you learn about someone and determine after each date whether there's enough interest to go on another date�or if you see red flags that indicate it's time to stop dating them. I told him that if after a number of dates with a woman I suspect that it could develop into something serious, that I would ask her to date exclusively.

If you're not familiar with Dr. Harley's dating advice, I enthusiastically suggest the following:

• 1st segment of Jan 29, 2013 MB radio show
• 2nd segment of Jan 29, 2013 MB radio show
• Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders: Turning Revolving-Door Romance into Lasting Love

In the next episode: Three dates with three women

Thanks for sharing this with us abrrba!

Brainhurts, you're welcome! I look forward to getting feedback from you and all!

Love it! Can't wait for the next episode! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences here.

Abrrba, thanks for sharing this! I wanted to tell you with the kids, it eventually gets through. Mine are 17 and 22, and now they date to see if they would like to get to know one another better instead of dating to solidify a commitment they have already made.

Hi, abrrba! Glad to hear things are going so well for you. Dating sounds like a healthy step.


Worked for me. Prisca and I met each other online in 2002, back when people really acted like that was odd, unusual, and unwise. Now it's mainstream and everybody has the internet on their phones. You wouldn't want to build a relationship purely on online dating, but it's a great way to meet several people. Dr. Harley's example of the woman who dated several men in a coffee shop till she found the one she wanted started with her placing personal ads in the newspaper. I'm sure at one point in time that was scoffed at, too.


What I found in my online single days was that women really do have a lot of justifiable anxiety about the men they might meet online. They may approach and then pull back, and the reason may never make sense to a man, but they are protecting themselves. You just have to accept it and keep moving on.

Love this.


I think there have always been people who try to become buyers too soon without first being renters and freeloaders, and there have also always been people who proceed more slowly and cautiously. Not so long ago in some Christian communities it was common to denigrate the practice of dating several people as "preparing for divorce / preparing for serial monogamy." People justify what they do by making up religious and near-religious justifications for it.

I look back at 50's TV shows and it's clear that people made a distinction between "dating" and what they called "going steady." I'm sure lots of people jumped straight into "going steady" but I'm also sure plenty did not. Same in the 80s and same now, although the proportions might change.

Use your brain and don't let culture be your guide of course, and be up front with the women you date that you aren't (yet) dating them exclusively.

Hi NED!

That's good to hear, I can't say I gave this very much thought in my youth, but I think it's a healthier way to date than making an immediate commitment to exclusivity. Especially as at a young age, they have little to no experience with dating, so I think best to keep it casual and light.

I remember thinking the same back in the early 2000's when I would learn that friends or family members were dating someone they met online....how odd, how risky. Now it's become more and more the expected way singles look for dates. I can say that at my age and especially as I work from home, there are few places for me to meet women. I think the use of online dating sites with careful screening and a good dating strategy like Dr. Harley's, are a winning combination. At least, I'm pleased with the results so far!


I agree completely. Women are especially vulnerable to predators, so I understand why they would be extra cautious. With that in mind, the dates I suggest are always in public places. I would always want to make the women feel safe in her surroundings, and adjust date plans to account for her feeling of safety.

One of the women I've dated mentioned that her older sister is in law enforcement, and worries that she is dating men she meets online. I jokingly told her "Just have your sister run a background check on me.". But if I had a sister or one of my daughters met someone online, I would want them to purchase a background check from a site like Intellius or Spokeo. Google searches on a person can provide certain information, but a background check is clearly superior.

I met Prisca at her church, with her family present.

In fact her dad made me call him before I was even allowed to call her! That probably works better at a younger age, though.

Yes, I think that one has an instinctive approach to relationships, and it can be difficult to break from that approach. Looking back on my past relationships, I can now clearly see that one woman was a complete freeloader and I'm certain still is. WXW was almost certainly a renter. I would say that my natural inclination is a buyer, though in the latter stages of my M my taker let some renter traits creep in, I would think from longtime resentments.

It hasn't been easy to switch to being a renter while dating, much less a freeloader. I was raised to be a gentleman, and don't get me wrong I certainly wear no halo, but I tend to think a lot about others' comfort and concerns before my own, especially dates and girlfriends. One advantage of online dating, is that by reading literally hundreds of women's' profiles, one becomes adept at reading between the lines and noticing signs about personality traits, habits, or lifestyle choices that one would find incompatible. Using this information and one's own criteria to determine who to contact and ask on dates is obviously self-centered in nature, as it is looking out for one's own welfare foremost. Maybe it's not a stretch to say this is similar to the freeloader's mentality of caring only about themselves.

If after a few dates with a woman I see any red flags, such as finding out the profile was less than truthful, or that I was mistaken about our level of compatibility, I can decide to stop dating her. I guess that would be a freeloader's approach? Make no effort to adjust to the other person, just end it immediately?


The CatholicMatch.com dating service also has discussion forums, and I often saw this denigration of "serial dating" from a number of posters. One gentleman spoke of it so scathingly, it was like he had discovered the woman he had asked on a date had an STD. I asked him to explain his reaction, mentioning that if a woman expected me to be exclusive before we've even met in person, that I would run for the hills. He never gave any meaningful reply, other than to complain that he could only afford to date one woman at a time.

A sidebar about something that annoys me...why is it often referred to as "serial dating"? Wouldn't going on dates with multiple people be called "parallel dating?"


I have to say that I didn't see any people "dating" in the 80s. We didn't use the term "going steady" which sounded old-fashioned, but my fellow teens/young adults either had a girlfriend/boyfriend, or were looking for one. I'm in New England, I'd be curious to know if it was different elsewhere.


Heh, if we let culture be our guide we wouldn't be here, we'd be shacking up or having affairs.

There's nothing wrong with THAT! When I was younger, no father ever made that requirement of me before I could date his daughter, but it wouldn't have bothered me. I did tend to meet the girl's parents rather quickly, but as I was always the clean-cut Catholic boy I always got on well with a girl's parents. The only exception is when I dated a Greek Orthodox girl. I met her mother when I picked the girl up for our date, but as the father only wanted her dating Greek boys, neither of them wanted me to meet the father. I found that funny, the girl's mother liked me, but didn't want me to meet her husband. Talk about a lack of honesty and openness with her husband!

The following are some things I've learned about online dating, or dating in general. I'm sure I read some of these on the Dating forum, but they're worth repeating here.

1.) You need a good profile. Write, edit, write, edit, write and edit some more. It took me two weeks of working on this until I was satisfied. I tend to write book-like messages, so my first drafts were very long, too long. So I edited without mercy, cutting out extraneous detail that didn't add any value. Leave these details for your dates, it will give you something to talk about. I discovered when I was reading women's profiles, that there was a certain sweet spot that I preferred. Too short and there's not enough to give me an opening to start a conversation, and it also looks like she didn't put any thought or care in it. Too long, and it runs the risk of losing my attention. I noticed the latter especially after reading through a few hundred profiles in a few weeks.

Avoid negative comments or complaints or anything that might be misinterpreted as being a downer. Saying "I don't play games" could sound a lot like "I've been accused of playing games" or "I'm bitter from my last date/boyfriend, who played games". Basically, sound upbeat and interesting.

Be honest, that goes without saying. Lying or exaggerating on your profile will bite you, when the truth eventually comes out. One lady I've dated mentioned that she had an immediate positive impression of me because I was honest and listed myself as "heavyset" in my profile, and had posted recent, full body photos. This lady has an athletic build, and though I'm working on my weight and fitness, I might have thought she was out of my league, physically. Women value honesty & openness, had I lied about my appearance it would have been a turnoff when she met me in person. Honesty!

Describe what traits you admire in a man/woman, so the viewer gets an idea of whether you might have an interest in them. Whether you're a homebody, are always on the go, somewhere in between, make sure to describe your lifestyle preference. I don't care how beautiful a girl is, if you like to spend every minute of your life outdoors and she's an "indoor girl", one of you will have to sacrifice greatly to make it work. Of course, I defer to Dr. Harley's wisdom of using PoJA in marriage and finding activities you both enjoy, but this isn't a spouse, this is a dating candidate. Why not find someone with similar lifestyle preferences? For example, I like many outdoor activities but I also like quiet time at home, too. I read many women's profiles where it was obvious they spend their life on the go and rarely spend an evening at home, and others who are the opposite and like to stay home every night. Frankly, I'd be exhausted trying to keep up with the former, and would likely get bored with the latter.

2.) You need good photos of yourself. A good main profile photo is the single most effective way to get your profile viewed. I was getting only a moderate # of profile views for a while, then decided to change my main profile head shot photo. My profile views easily tripled, and I started getting likes or messages almost daily. Ask opinions of opposite family members or friends of a few different head shots, you may be surprised which photo they prefer.

A few selfies are okay, but most of your photos should be taken by other people. Your photos should all be well lit, and for your main profile photo, avoid anything that obscures your face, such as sunglasses. If you've listed certain hobbies or outdoor activities you like, it's good to have photos that show you actually enjoying those activities. Avoid group photos where the viewer will have difficulty identifying you in the photo.

Don't post pictures of yourself when you were 20 pounds lighter. I know you want to look your best, and we're not all comfortable with our weight (myself included), but if you go on a date with someone, they'll eventually see the real you, and they won't like the dishonesty. I see many profiles where there are no photos from the neck down, or a headshot from an impossibly high angle. We get it, you're carrying many extra pounds and/or have a double-chin that bothers you. I have both, and they bother me, too. How do you think your date will react if you've mislead them about your appearance? Current photos are a must, but if you want to post a few older pictures of yourself make certain that you post the year the photo was taken.

Keep photos with alcohol or at a bar to a minimum, unless you want to look like a barfly or party animal. This last advice is probably just a reflection of my age, and probably applies less to younger generations.

To summarize, your photos should reflect who you really are and your lifestyle, complementing what you've described in your profile. Think of what impression you are trying to give with your profile and photos.

3.) Send actual messages, not just emojis or likes. I like getting all of those, but I suspect that a lot of women are inundated with dozens of these from interested men. If you're interested in her you'll need to be better than the competition. Write her a short message, and make sure you reference something in her profile which indicates you actually read it!

4.) Don't wait too long to ask to meet in person. Give him/her a chance to meet you in person to see how awesome you are! So after a short number of messages back and forth, if you're still interested, ask him/her out! For the ladies, I guess it depends on whether you prefer the man to be the pursuer.

You can make a better impression in person than through the limitations of messaging. Before meeting, some want to first talk on the phone or a video call over skype/hangouts. That's fine, whatever works for you and the other person. I would add though, that video calls especially over a smartphone, kind of distorts what the person really looks like. So keep that in mind.

5.) Keep first dates short. First dates are mostly to get a first impression of each other. Meeting for coffee or drinks is good because it's inexpensive and gives either person the option of a quick getaway if they find their date repulsive.

6.) Thank them for meeting you. Send a message not too long after the first date, and thank them for meeting you. If you are still interested, tell them that you had fun, enjoyed the conversation, etc., and ask them if they would like to go out again sometime.

7.) Plan different types of dates. Dinner dates are nice, but mix it up a bit. If the weather is good, think of some fun outdoor dates. For guys especially, take the time to plan say two or three ideas for fun dates, then send her those date suggestions and let her decide. She'll appreciate you for taking the lead in planning a nice date, but gives her the option of selecting the one she prefers. But if she doesn't like any of them, be open to an alternate date idea she may have.

Subsequent dates should get progressively longer in duration, making sure your dates leave a lot of time for conversation. For instance I avoided going to the movies because there's little opportunity for conversation. This is a time to get to know each other, and determine whether dating should continue.

8.) Go on dates with multiple people, if you're comfortable with that. This is the time to meet people, to find out what appeals to you, to find out how you can better appeal to the opposite sex, to find out what your emotional needs are (most people really don't know), and to find out what emotional needs you can easily meet. You will learn quicker by going on dates with different people, preferably a few dates every week.

Use your own judgment of when to discuss dating exclusively with someone, but I would give it at least 4-5 dates before considering it. Mostly, just go out there and have fun on your dates!

In this episode: Three dates with three women

By the end of August, I was having a number of conversations with prospective dates on three online dating services. The first woman I asked on a date, a pretty brunette from Christian Mingle with the most amazing blue eyes, accepted and we setup a date for the upcoming Saturday. I noticed during the week, though, that she was taking longer and longer to reply to my messages. On Saturday, a few hours before our date, she messaged that she wasn't feeling well and would have to cancel. I replied that I hoped she would feel better and maybe we could meet in the future. I never heard from her again.

Not deterred, I asked two other women [a brunette from Match and a redhead from CatholicMatch] to meet for coffee for the following weekend, and both accepted. I'll go into details about them in my next reply, but will say for now that both dates went well, and I had one additional date with the brunette and two with the redhead. At this point, a blonde from Match sent a like and initiated a conversation with me. After a few days of messages back and forth, I asked her on a Thursday evening date and she accepted.

I had already asked the CatholicMatch redhead for a 4th date on Saturday, and she had accepted. Meanwhile, the Match.com brunette's Friday evening plans fell through, so she messaged me Friday afternoon to see if I wanted to go out to dinner that evening, and I agreed. So now I had three dates setup on subsequent evenings with three women. I hadn't planned it like this, but it was a bit exciting, I never imagined I would have a dating schedule like this!

But, I have to say that casually dating this many women is a bit challenging in terms of scheduling and frankly, cost. I was already feeling like I was juggling a lot, it was too much of a good thing! It got to a point where there was little time for anything else but messaging and dates. I guess it's not a bad problem to have but I have my limits!

In the next episode: How did the three dates in three days go?

In this episode: How did the three dates in three days go?

So let's go into more detail about these three dates, and learn more about these three lovely ladies!

The Thursday night date was the first date with a very nice 47 year old woman with three grown children. She is a tall, curvy, and attractive blonde with an open and engaging personality, and a beautiful smile. Conversation was very easy, in fact I was surprised that we both went into a bit of detail of the challenges of our failed marriages. I was pleasantly surprised that she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek when we said goodbye. Though we have different backgrounds and she's struggled in her romantic life (three failed marriages and 2 LTR), she's fun and I would consider going on another date with her.

The Friday night date was the third date with a friendly 51 year old woman with a seven year old son. She is a short, petite, and very attractive brunette with the most beautiful big blue eyes. We have a lot in common as she lives in the next town over, is also of French Canadian descent, and is in a similar field as I am. On our first date, we both shared that our preference in dating was to take things very slowly, and just enjoy an evening out with a nice person. She didn't elaborate, but I got the impression that she was going on dates with a few different people, the same as I was. I'm fine with this for a few reasons. One, that I'm simply trying Dr. Harley's "up to 30 dates" experiment, but the other is I want to be cautious about getting too close too soon, especially as she has a young child. If it's not evident from my posts, I really love kids. However, I recall Dr. Harley's warning that a very high percentage of mixed marriages end in divorce, and that it's best for parents (especially women) to wait until their children are grown, before dating again. So though I would prefer to date women with older or grown children, I have not ruled out dating women with younger children. As neither of us have serious feelings for the other, I have no qualms about taking her out to dinner for a nice evening of conversation. Our first date was a short 30 minute coffee date, and our second was drinks and appetizers at a local restaurant. We typically send each other a couple of messages a week, to see if we're available the next weekend for another date.

On this third date, we went out to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. She is very easy going, and the conversation on the first two dates was great, and that continued on the third date. We were still taking things slowly, but we talked about a few more personal subjects than the first two dates. As is usual, we shared a quick hug goodbye at the end of our date. Though I am physically attracted to her and I like her, I still don't have very strong feelings for her. I think because I have committed to delaying sexual fulfillment until after marriage, it is taking me longer to develop strong feelings for her (lovebank not filling up quickly as it would with SF). Having set my SF boundary at no further than kissing (which I really miss since my M ended), I'm surprised to find that I don't even have the urgency to try to kiss her yet. I know I would like to, but I really want to get to know someone better first. Anyway, she is a great woman and I enjoy going on dates with her. As there are no red flags at all, I would certainly consider going out with her again.

Finally, my Saturday night date was the 4th date with a 49 year old Irish Catholic woman, never married, with no children, and the youngest in a family of five siblings. She is an elementary ESL teacher, is very attractive, tall, thin, and athletic, with red/strawberry blonde hair. She lives just outside of Boston, and is the furthest from me at 33 miles away. Having always been single, she has had a lot of time to devote to her faith, as a spiritual director and CCD teacher.

I planned our first date with her like I do all first dates, with an offer to meet for coffee or drinks. Her height was listed as 5'9" on her profile, which is my height, but she's closer to 5'10". I've never dated someone taller than I am, but I found that it didn't bother me. Rather than the expected 30 minute date, we talked for 2.5 hours. She is probably the shyest woman that I've ever dated and her calm, low-key, and quiet manner made it difficult to gauge her interest in me. I thanked her for meeting me and told her how much I enjoyed our conversation. I walked her to her car and asked her if she would like to go on another date, and she agreed.

I planned our subsequent dates using ideas I've read about here. The dates included a mix of outdoor and indoor activities, and each date increasing in duration. Hence, there was a lot of opportunity for conversation and getting to know each other. The second date was a 4 mile hike in a local protected forest followed by lunch at a caf�. The third date was spending an afternoon visiting the quaint, historic village of Exeter, NH with a long lunch at a nice restaurant, followed by a drive in the country to see the Autumn foliage. At the end of this 3rd date while driving her back to her car, I asked if she wanted to continue our date where we first met, a caf� with live music called "The Java Room". She agreed, and we spent another 3 hours talking, the date lasting a total of 8 hours!

After each of these dates, she texted me to thank me for planning such nice dates, and to tell me how much she enjoyed the dates and our conversations. I was getting more interested in her at this point, though I can't say there were any "fireworks" yet. Avoiding physical contact (other than a brief hug hello and goodbye) has allowed me to really get to know her and not fall for her too quickly. I can now understand, firsthand, Dr. Harley's observation why it usually takes longer to fill a woman's love bank. With SF an average man's top EN, the LB$ fills quickly when met. It seems to take a series of intimate conversations to fill a woman's LB$. SF is my top EN, but IC is pretty high up there, so I was starting to grow very fond of this woman, even though I wasn't head over heels yet. I found her soft spoken, kind, thoughtful, and sweet disposition very attractive. A few remarks she had made on the phone made it clear to me that she might like me more than her shy and very reserved manner indicated.

As she is easy going and easy to talk to, I found that I could talk with her for hours on end, and intimate conversation increased with each date. As an extrovert and a naturally more talkative person than she is, I kept the Friends of Good Conversation in mind and made sure to keep the conversation balanced.

She asked me if I had ever read "The 5 Love Languages". I replied that I had, and enjoyed it, and that I found "His Needs, Her Needs" even better. She was pleased that I was into self-knowledge and self-improvement, and she has since watched many of the videos posted on the MB site, is reading my copy of HNHN, and has completed the EN questionnaire. She ranked her top 5 EN's as H&O, IC, A, RC, SF. Mine are SF, A, IC, RC, PA. I thought it a good sign that we have the 4 intimate emotional needs in both of our top 5! Having taken Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" quiz, we both have top "Love Languages" of Physical Touch, and Quality Time.

Of Dr. Harley's recommended areas of compatibility, the only area we are not closely matched is social interest. I'm more of an extrovert and she is an introvert. However, while she is less shy one-to-one or in small groups, she is not uncomfortable with or intimidated by larger groups of people, she just talks less. In those situations, she's more of a people-watcher, and waits for a longer pause in the conversation before speaking up. It's interesting that we are opposite Myers Briggs types (I'm ESTJ, she's INFP). I'm not sure if the adage of "opposites attract" has any validity, but I'm not worried as we are so closely matched in the areas of compatibility that Dr. Harley recommends.

With an upcoming 4th date, I felt that the results of the date would likely give me an idea of whether to continue dating her casually, or possibly ask her to date exclusively.

In the next episode: The crucial 4th date with the Irish Catholic redhead....fireworks or fizzle?

In this episode: The crucial 4th date with the Catholic redhead....fireworks or fizzle?

For our 4th date I invited the Irish Catholic redhead to my home for dinner. I wasn't sure if she would consider coming to my home, as we had only been on 3 dates so far, but she must have been comfortable enough with me by now because she accepted my invitation.

I made lasagna (my mother's recipe) with a Caprese salad appetizer. When she arrived at my home, my lasagna ingredients were already prepared and I was in the process of "assembling" the layers of lasagna noodles, sauce, and cheeses. She looked especially beautiful that evening, and I guess her beauty and our conversation must have distracted me a little, because half way through assembling the lasagna I realized I had forgot an entire layer of noodles! We had a nice laugh about how she was distracting me from my task at hand, which was a nice ice breaker. I make my own wine, and had opened a bottle (Cabernet) to use in my sauce, so we had a glass of wine and chatted while the lasagna baked for 30 minutes. Once dinner was ready, we opened the nice bottle of Chianti she had brought and we enjoyed a really delicious meal.

She helped me with the dishes, and afterward she asked me to play guitar and piano for her. I suggest that if you have certain talents or hobbies that you think a date might like, make sure to mention them on your profile. My date told me that one of the reasons my profile caught her attention was that I mentioned that I played guitar and a few other instruments on my profile. She enjoyed my playing, and we even played a duet on piano together! We played a few games afterwards, and the rest of the evening was spent sitting on the sofa together, listening to soft music and talking.

I'm not sure if it was the more cozy atmosphere, or from sitting closely together at the piano and sofa, or the soft music and quiet conversation, but...

So happy to read this episode!!! Sounds like her deposits exceeded the threshold on this date! That's pretty fast. I really like that your son came home when he did. Can't wait for the next episode...

Thanks, Melody! I'm not sure if the LB$ threshold was exceeded, but I could tell you that after the 4th date I found myself really liking this woman, and more than just to have a pleasant companion on a casual date. After that date I found myself thinking about her very often.

Haha, yes it's good that my son came home, but I think we would have been okay either way. I think on our 3rd date or a phone conversation around that time, we discussed our approaches to dating, and we both wanted to go very slowly, and that included avoiding sex or anything close to it. Without overtly stating this, my dating profiles allude to this "I'd like to take things slowly with a foundation of friendship". She mentioned there were times she stopped dating someone, or broke up with a boyfriend, because they were pressuring her for sex. One man she dated a year ago misunderstood what she meant when she said "I want to take things slowly". He was shocked that sex was off the table, he assumed she meant she wanted to take the relationship slowly. i.e. that casual sex was okay

I know her boundaries are religious in nature, and though I know and agree that fornication is a sin, the reason I have the same boundaries includes knowing that sex has clouded my judgment with two girlfriends (one being WXW) in the past. I know many men can have casual sex and it doesn't affect them emotionally, I'm just not one of them. So for me, sex and other sexual activities will only take place if I get married again, and not before. I know that makes me an outlier from most of modern society!

People who have been married have a temptation to jump into a renter relationship too fast. You are going to need to fight that. The freeloader phase protects your heart and your head. It allows you to see issues that could remain hidden for some time such as how someone deals with obstacles before you are too emotionally invested.

Remember also that MB is a very powerful way to create romantic love. Nothing wrong with that except that you want to make it as good a fit as possible

In this episode: Will she agree to date exclusively?

In the last episode, I shared that the 4th date with the Irish redhead went very well, and I decided to stop dating other women. We shared a few email messages that week, and I looked forward to seeing her on Thursday for dinner at her place.

She was late getting home from work and had not had a chance to start cooking yet, so we made dinner together, a delicious steak with garlic mashed potatoes and pan seared carrots. She only recently took up cooking and I've grown very comfortable with it since learning to cook only a year or so ago. If you haven't tried cooking with a date before, I recommend it, it's a lot of fun. She has a small 1-bedroom condo with an equally small kitchen, so it was a bit cramped, but I think that was actually a plus, it gave it a more intimate feeling.

Similar to our previous date, after dinner we spent most of the evening sitting closely together on the sofa and talking. Conversation was very easy with her, in fact we were so engrossed in conversation that 3 hours later we both realized that we had forgotten to have dessert and coffee like we had planned! The romantic feelings that I started to notice increased on this 5th date, when I was with her it felt like we just "clicked", and spending time together felt very natural and easy. Near the end of the evening, I asked her if she would like to date exclusively...

Thanks for reminding me about this, being a freeloader does not come naturally to me, so I have to be cautious. I'll give a few more dating updates, then will address this topic further.

Any updates? I feel like I am invested. 😁

Lol thanks for the interest I’ll post an update this week.

Your story is lovely. I hope no red flags pop up, and that you both get the relationship you deserve.

In this episode: Smooth sailing!

Hi all, here's that update I promised, sorry for the long time between posts.

[I actually wrote most of this post on Dec 19, 2018, but life got busy and I never got back to it. I added a little more to the post, but this is basically what I was thinking nearly a year ago]

It has been nearly 2 months since the Irish Catholic redhead agreed to date me exclusively, and it's been great. We see a lot of each other, and the more we learn about each other, the closer we get. We have each met many of our family and friends. From the nice comments they have made, everyone seems to approve. We dated weekly at first, and I started feeling the chemistry by the 4th date. After that we started seeing each other 2-3 times a week, and the feelings started getting stronger. At this point, we both know that we're in love. It'll become obvious why when you read the rest this and the next few posts.

* Pre-filtering for key compatibility areas makes a big difference. In my teens and 20s, physical attractiveness was my primary criteria for deciding whether to ask a woman for a date. Though I preferred a woman with a similar background and values, I probably wasn't too different from most young guys, in that physical attractiveness was the biggest determinant. I must have read hundreds and hundreds of profiles when I started dating again in August, and I paid careful attention to signs of compatibility or incompatibility, in the key areas that Dr. Harley has identified: intelligence, energy, social interest, cultural background, values. From a woman's profile, or from messaging with her, I tried to determine compatibility potential. My other filters including dating someone close to my age, within reasonable driving distance, and free of any red flags such as dating while separated. From the three dating sites I joined, I probably messaged with a few dozen women. I ended up asking four of them on dates, and that was due to the pre-filtering. The Irish Catholic redhead seemed the most compatible initially, and from the last few months of dating exclusively, my initial impression was more than accurate. It surprises both of us how compatible we are.

* Find your natural "Lover": In his book, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, Dr. Harley explains "...I've found it useful to classify all of humanity into four group---the Lovers, the Likers, the Dislikers, and the Haters. The Lovers are those who like just about everything there is about you. They like the way you look, the way you talk, the way you think, and the way you react to things. And the more they get to know you, the more attracted they tend to become."

When I first read that excerpt from BRF, it made me think about my past relationships, and I found I could easily classify them. Most of the women I had dated, including WxW, were probably Likers. The Irish Catholic redhead is most certainly a Lover. I eventually talked to her about Marriage Builders, including this concept, but long before, she had made comments to me such as:

"I love your confidence"
"I love how you so easily share your feelings"
"I love how affectionate you are"
"I love how close you are to your children and to your father, a real family man"
"I love that you're an old fashioned gentleman"
"I love that you're a musician"
"I love how thoughtful you are in so many ways"
"You’re the sweetest man ever"
"I love that you share your past experiences with me, before I even ask…you're so open"
"I love your sense of humor and your joyful countenance"
"I love how knowledgeable you are, yet humble and always wanting to learn more"
"I love the sound of your voice"

Some of these are from memory, and some from messages she's sent me. Some of these made me laugh ("the sound of my voice, really?"), but I appreciated all of them. The first few times we spoke about Dr. Harley's concepts, she was impressed, but I don't think she was completely convinced that it is the meeting of Emotional Needs that creates romantic love. She said something like, "I love you because of WHO you ARE." But when I read her "I love..." comments above, what I see are that many of them are ways that I meet her emotional needs of Affection, Intimate Conversation, Honesty & Openness, and Family Commitment.

She later told me that what I shared on my dating site profile really caught her attention. The impression I gave her on our first date was that in person, I was exactly as I described in my profile. She said that because of my honesty and openness, and my friendly/smiling/laughing nature, she liked me instantly.


In the Next Episode: Meeting Emotional Needs - Effortless, challenging, or a struggle?

Loved reading this update!! Can't wait to read the next chapter..

Thanks for sharing this wonderful update!