Hi,
I am not new to Dr Harley. I was here here over 9 years ago when I discovered my husband�s serial cheating so I understand the emotional needs and how relationships work. I guess I am here just to talk about my current situation if there is anyone to listen.

I met my best friend four years ago at a Meetup. We spent the day together, with another person visiting places in London. At the end of the day, he asked for my number and he texted me the next day. I really liked him so we continued to text and he asked if we could meet again. At the time, he was living in a homeless shelter and had a part time retail job. He came to dinner with me and my lodger and we had a fun evening. He stayed over in the spare room and the next day we watched movies and played games. He stayed that night as well. The next day he texted to say that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I said ok, can we be friends? I had female friends who all lived about an hour away but we don�t contact each other outside of when we physically meet and I had no one in my home town so I was thinking it would be nice to have a friend nearby. He agreed and we have been friends ever since.

We were spending a lot of our time together doing different activities like: day trips, museum trips, dinners, walks in nature, board games, movies, ghost hunting, cycling, bouldering. As you can see we get along great. We also talk about pretty much anything. I think I know more about him than anyone else. There was a strong physical attraction too but because he had said that he didn't want a girlfriend I never initiated anything however if he did, then I responded.

He moved out of the shelter and into a shared house but had little money left after paying rent so I offered him my small spare room to rent. He has been living with me for three years. In the beginning, nothing changed but two years ago he said that he didn't want to be intimate anymore as it was messing with his head. I said ok. I have been on a couple of speed dating events with my friends but haven't met anybody that I have been interested in. I guess because I have my female friends and I have him as a close friend, I didn't really have a need for much more than that.

He himself has been on some dates and has been chatting via dating apps. He always keeps that side of his life very secret but I know when he is messaging a woman because his behaviour towards me changes. He gets a bit short tempered and irritable. He embarked on a new career which involves long days so weekends come and he is tired so he doesn't want to do as many things as before. I still enjoy the company with him even if we are just more likely to go out for dinner in the evening rather than do things during the day. We do go on holiday together, sometimes just us and sometimes with my friends. It has been two years since he was involved with anyone. At that time, I was more upset because he had kept it a secret for a couple of months and then announced that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with me. I don't have any family, so it was a shock to find out in December that I had to find somewhere to go for Christmas.

Fast forward to now. A woman working in his office since May started messaging him in September and has recently made advances towards him, which he has responded to. For some reason, I am more upset than ever by this, even though we are not as close as we were. Tonight is his first proper date with her. I know that it is irrational of me to feel this way as he is entitled to date whomever he wants.
So I decided to tell him how I feel about him and I asked him to let me know why he never wanted to date me. I wanted to know if there was anything about myself that might be putting men off, given that I haven't been asked out since I did the speed dating. He says he doesn't know. He has made a male friend who has a girlfriend but won't suggest us to all go out because he thinks it would be like a double date. It is weird that I am the one who wants more but can handle being just friends and he is the one who wants to be just friends yet can't deal with our friendship when he starts seeing someone.

Given my knowledge of emotional needs I suspect what will happen is that I will end up meeting some needs and she will meet others. I have warned him that when he gets a proper girlfriend, we probably won�t be able to be friends as we are now but only meet with my group of friends. Sitting here while he is out is torture for me, although I am putting on a brave face when we are together. I am so scared that I will be back where I was 4 years ago, alone with no friend but actually in a much worse state, mentally. I know that this is all my fault for suggesting that we remain friends all those years ago. And I knew this day would come but I didn�t realise how hard it would be.

I should mention that when we met I thought he was about 35 but he was 31. He thought that I was about 36, when I was actually 46! So now we are 35 and 50 respectively. I did always think that it was the age difference that he has a problem with and also that he wanted a family one day so I suggested that but he didn't say that it was the reason for not wanting us to be a couple. He did used to say that he wanted a family but now says that he doesn't think that he does.

You are familiar with dr. Harley's concepts, why don't you implement them in your life?

This man is not marriage material and it is not healthy for you that he lives in your house. You need to make some changes.

Hi CatLover, my suggestion would be to ask him to move out so you can both get on with your lives. This is not a healthy living situation. The relationship obviously bothers you tremendously because you have feelings for him. This arrangement is not good for either of you. As long as he is there, you are too focused on him to really look into dating more suitable choices. Having him there would also scare off most suitable men.

Thank you goody2shoes and Melody Lane. Not just for taking the time to read but also to give guidance. I know I do need to ask him to move out. I don't regret many things in life, embarrassed maybe but this is the one thing. I do regret offering him my spare room. I don't think I thought about how long he would be here. I did make a pledge to myself that I wouldn't make him homeless. He has come through a lot in life. But he is in a financial position to be able to afford more rent. It is hard because I have a feeling that I won't see him again once he moves out. I will have to start all over trying to make new friends and I just feel that time is running out for me. Thank you again for listening.

Did you read Buyers, renters and freeloaders? If not , please do.

And you need to notify him that he needs to find another place to live before mm/dd/yy or this will go on indefinitely.

I did read Buyers... I lent the book to someone and didn't get it back 😊 I will give him a month's notice. That is pretty standard.

Good idea!

Hello CatLover,

I'm with the others here even though I'm hardly an expert. You were very generous and although of course I don't know very much about your relationship, it seems like you were a good friend. It will probably hurt him but he should understand your decision.

I came back from abroad two years ago, went through a difficult time and lost all but a couple of my former friends because of that. I was pretty lonely during that time and I can understand how hard it is. But trying to get your emotional needs met by someone who does not really give you what you want but instead might give it to other people, will make you feel more lonely, not less. I think you know that. And distancing yourself from him will give you the chance to turn your attention away from him and towards new people.

Can you set up some meetings with other friends for the time when he moves out? You might benefit from some distractions

Here�s a refresher Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Hi Llizzy22, thank you for your wise words. I think that you are right that I will be more lonely to have him living here while he is with someone else, than to actually live by myself. It is weird how that works. I also like your idea of setting up distractions for when he goes.

Thank you for the link Brainhurts

So when do you plan to give him notice?

Well..... I have to be a little strategic here because we are going on holiday with some friends in a few weeks and I don't want this to be an issue which spoils the holiday. My lodger moves out next Friday and he wants to take her room as it is larger. He will contribute the same money that she does now. I will use this opportunity to set some ground rules. At the moment his room is so small, he keeps his clothes in my room. I want everything of his to be put into his new room. I will let him know that although I value his friendship, we will have to take a step back in the domestic environment and I will treat him the same as any lodger. And I will tell him that this will be a trial run and either of us can give a month's notice.
Then, after we get back from holiday, I will tell him that it is not working for me and he will have to find somewhere else. So, basically he should be living somewhere else by the end of January.

You don't really want to let him go, do you?

This is not strategic, but avoiding.

ok, this is conflict avoidance. I would ask him to move out by the end of the month. The sooner you get this done, the better..

I had a feeling that I would get that response. 😊
I have wanted him to leave for a long time but this timing is not good. I can't risk there being a bad atmosphere on holiday. It wouldn't just be me affected. We get back on 1st January so I am only delaying things by a few weeks. I would still like us to remain on good terms.
I will definitely come back with any developments. I am truly thankful for your encouragement. I was here 9 years ago so I know that the support from you guys is a firm one.
I have a few events lined up either with meetup or with my friends so I am getting out there and putting my best face forward.
Like I said, I may regret inviting him to live with me but I don't regret being his best friend for the past 4 years when he literally had no-one else. We did have a lot of fun together and I have experienced things that I would never have if we hadn't have met.

Giving notice after the holiday will not necessarily be more pleasant. Just later, only causing you to lose more time.

So, to provide an update. Because I wanted to know what type of person this woman is, I did an extensive investigation and found out some things which were a little disturbing. Plus some comments made by her online showed her to be a not nice person anyway. I agonised as to whether I should tell him what I had discovered or not.
We had an argument on Thursday because he put me on speaker phone while she was in his car, but didn't tell me until I had said quite a bit. He does not think that what he did was discourteous, refuses to apologise and doesn't understand that I am more upset that he doesn't care that I was upset than by the actual incident.
So, the situation was already strained when we had our next argument on Sunday. It ended up with me telling him what I had found out. I explained how I had found her and he asked her about the particular thing, which she denied and then he asked her about comments generally on Facebook and she denied having an account. He then told her the profile name and she still denied it. Unfortunately, it was only then that he asked me to show him, by which time the account had been deleted.
During all of this of course he was angry and making his usual threats to move out. I said that I think he should and we agreed that he would start looking with the intent to move in the new year.
He says that he has broken things off with her but I am not sure. He read out a message from her where she said some pretty nasty things about me, showing her true colours. But because she is still denying having a Facebook account, even though I have given him names of some of her friends, he says that he doesn't know who to believe, which I find very insulting and if he continues to see her after this, I won't be able to remain friends with him anyway.

You won't be able to remain friends period. Give him notice, get it done. This situation is not healthy for you. Whatever contact he has with this other woman is not your concern.

Agree!

Catlover,

I'm sorry to be blunt...but I cringed reading most of this thread. You need to let this guy go.

It sounds like you call him your best friend to justify being overly-involved in aka obsessed over his personal life. I do not go investigating the romantic interests of my best friend. That sounds creepy and unhealthy.

The reasons you gave to delay kicking this guy out (holidays etc) are not any reasons that Dr Harley would support.

Not only would Dr Harley tell you to have him move out ASAP (I am talking days - not weeks) but to go no contact with him. You are in love with him and it is clouding your judgement.

This is a bad situation that you need to get yourself out of pronto.

In the future when a man tells you he is not interested in you, do NOT become his "friend". This is code for "wasting your time" hoping he will come around.

You have wasted four years of your life pining over this guy when you could have used the time dating other suitable candidates.

Honestly, catlover, you are wasting your time with this. I would move him out now. There is no legitimate reason to wait. You are just prolonging the pain.

Thanks everyone,
It is interesting that I call him best friend because on reflection, I would say that I don't have one although I am most definitely his. I agree that we won't remain friends for long after he moves as he does have his own friends now and can get on with his life.
I have had a lot of fun over the past few years so don't feel I have missed out on anything and I know I am not in love with him as he meets only about one of my needs. It is probably the behaviour similar to my ex's that triggers my crazy reactions.
He has started looking for places to stay things are moving and it won't be for much longer.

You are in love with him so your judgment is clouded. It is not a good thing to waste years of your life over a man who does not feel the same way about you.

The reason I feel the need to point this out to you....is because if you continue to allow your feelings to lead you astray, you are going to continue wasting your time on this guy, even if he moves out.

Can you acknowledge that your judgment has become clouded or do you not see that?

Thanks SusieQ,
Yes my judgenent was definitely clouded in the beginning. I liked him, fancied him and he was my only friend living nearby. It was inappropriate of me to suggest friendship, especially knowing the future problems it would likely cause. I admit that before he moved in, I did have hopes that he would change his mind, so that would have been for about a year.
BUT, I have lived with him for three years and I am categorically not in love with him! I know what it feels like to be in love and, with him I am not. I do love him, I admit that but I also know that there are people out there that I can have a loving relationship with. It has only been recently that I have even felt like going out to events etc. I haven't not done anything that I would want to just because of his presence in the house.
I am looking forward to getting my house back, he can be a bit of a nightmare to live with.

You want the friendship to be worth something, because if it is not, you wasted 4 years. Like the emperor's clothes.