Perspective on Online Dating Experiments Welcome - 11/18/18 12:06 PM
Hello everyone,
I'm about 26 years old, single and looking for a relationship/marriage in marriage builders style. I'm from Europe and not a native speaker - so please forgive any mistakes that I make.
Just to put everything into perspective: I read several books of Dr. Harley's and know all of his principles mentioned there and on his website. I guess what I'm looking for is some real-life advice on how to use the principles in online dating.
I came across the website a couple of years ago and got your help with some relationship issues that I struggled with (it was my second longterm relationship). We didn't make up and since then I've been looking for a new relationship. I dated several men and things looked good with 3-4 of them but somehow it never worked out. I got some reasonable explanation from all of them - living too far apart, having an ill mother to take care of and not having the time to commit seriously at the moment etc - but it's still hurtful and I realize that I'm beginning to ask myself whether I'm doing something wrong. After all, they came up with their reasons after we started to date.
The second thing I'm struggling with is the way dating works (here). In contrast to the US, dating several people at once is not very common if we're not talking about online dating. It is common, however, to get intimate pretty soon and have the relationship work like an affair which can turn into something serious after some weeks. My female friends are perfectly happy to go along, even sleep with men, and then decide after several weeks that it's not meant to be something serious. They see that as being relaxed, easy going and enjoying themselves.
I don't really know how to pull that of. My ideal way of doing it would be to know first, whether someone is actually looking for something serious/a marriage, then get to know him well, then fall in love and then be intimate and maybe sleep with each other ( I know that Dr. Harley doesn't recommend it before marriage). I know that I need to guard my feelings a little more to be more objective (I tend to develop feelings quite easily) but I don't want to kiss someone before I have some romantic feelings for him and kissing/cuddling (affection) + some romantic feelings + intimate conversions = rapidly growing romantic feelings for me. And since it is so common to kiss on one of the first dates, my guard is down pretty quickly. On the other hand, if I tell guys that I want to wait with something as harmless as kissing and ask them on one of the first dates whether they are looking for something serious/a marriage (just hypothetically! to sort out the ones who are looking for something casual), I come across as very conservative, prudish and maybe even needy and I fear that I chase men away who would otherwise be good matches and are just used to not "talking serious" during the first weeks.
And even when I just try to talk about what someones wants from a relationship - I think that this is very important information for deciding whether it could work out between the two of you - people seem to think that I'm pushy, that I try to catalogue them or they reply something along the lines that they don't want to decide on any limits right now and just try to work it out with me - which is sweet but not very honest in my opinion. We all come with some ideas on how relationships work and what we want from them.
So I guess my problem is a) that I'm a little disheartened and b) that I want to find someone with similar relationship ideals and need to balance my need for knowing these things before I start to develop feelings with their need to keep things light and casual for some while without me being the one being hurt in the process.
Some days ago I started online dating to get to know more people and maybe even limit the pool of prospective candidates to the ones who are looking for a longterm relationship. I was hoping that maybe you could help me once in a while to put things into perspective (guard my feelings) and to decide whether it's worth it to get to know someone better. And to help me sort out the question when and how to talk about what the other person wants from a relationship.
Sorry for the long text and a very grateful thank you to every reader
I'm about 26 years old, single and looking for a relationship/marriage in marriage builders style. I'm from Europe and not a native speaker - so please forgive any mistakes that I make.
Just to put everything into perspective: I read several books of Dr. Harley's and know all of his principles mentioned there and on his website. I guess what I'm looking for is some real-life advice on how to use the principles in online dating.
I came across the website a couple of years ago and got your help with some relationship issues that I struggled with (it was my second longterm relationship). We didn't make up and since then I've been looking for a new relationship. I dated several men and things looked good with 3-4 of them but somehow it never worked out. I got some reasonable explanation from all of them - living too far apart, having an ill mother to take care of and not having the time to commit seriously at the moment etc - but it's still hurtful and I realize that I'm beginning to ask myself whether I'm doing something wrong. After all, they came up with their reasons after we started to date.
The second thing I'm struggling with is the way dating works (here). In contrast to the US, dating several people at once is not very common if we're not talking about online dating. It is common, however, to get intimate pretty soon and have the relationship work like an affair which can turn into something serious after some weeks. My female friends are perfectly happy to go along, even sleep with men, and then decide after several weeks that it's not meant to be something serious. They see that as being relaxed, easy going and enjoying themselves.
I don't really know how to pull that of. My ideal way of doing it would be to know first, whether someone is actually looking for something serious/a marriage, then get to know him well, then fall in love and then be intimate and maybe sleep with each other ( I know that Dr. Harley doesn't recommend it before marriage). I know that I need to guard my feelings a little more to be more objective (I tend to develop feelings quite easily) but I don't want to kiss someone before I have some romantic feelings for him and kissing/cuddling (affection) + some romantic feelings + intimate conversions = rapidly growing romantic feelings for me. And since it is so common to kiss on one of the first dates, my guard is down pretty quickly. On the other hand, if I tell guys that I want to wait with something as harmless as kissing and ask them on one of the first dates whether they are looking for something serious/a marriage (just hypothetically! to sort out the ones who are looking for something casual), I come across as very conservative, prudish and maybe even needy and I fear that I chase men away who would otherwise be good matches and are just used to not "talking serious" during the first weeks.
And even when I just try to talk about what someones wants from a relationship - I think that this is very important information for deciding whether it could work out between the two of you - people seem to think that I'm pushy, that I try to catalogue them or they reply something along the lines that they don't want to decide on any limits right now and just try to work it out with me - which is sweet but not very honest in my opinion. We all come with some ideas on how relationships work and what we want from them.
So I guess my problem is a) that I'm a little disheartened and b) that I want to find someone with similar relationship ideals and need to balance my need for knowing these things before I start to develop feelings with their need to keep things light and casual for some while without me being the one being hurt in the process.
Some days ago I started online dating to get to know more people and maybe even limit the pool of prospective candidates to the ones who are looking for a longterm relationship. I was hoping that maybe you could help me once in a while to put things into perspective (guard my feelings) and to decide whether it's worth it to get to know someone better. And to help me sort out the question when and how to talk about what the other person wants from a relationship.
Sorry for the long text and a very grateful thank you to every reader