Sry if my English is not so good
Well i am 30 y and he is 38 y old, and we have 2 childs 3y and 10 y. We have been together 15 years.
And 3 months ago i find his bank account that he is been in a spa hotell in a day time. At night when he was comeing home, i asked him what is that? He was like are you snooping on me? Was a little bit shoked, and then he said that he just wanted to be alone and actually he is thinking to separate in a while and just wanted to think and relax alone what to do next. I was asking many of times is there someone else, but he tells that there isnt. And i didnt find anything more him phone, emails nothing. And at the night time he is with children and me at home. day time at work. she said to me very offensive things like he want himself a thin women, that he can be proud of her. Why i m not wearing attractive clothes at home and he doesnt like when i m screaming on childrens. and i was hurting him couple of times when to disdain others. I feel very bad myself that i was saying bad things for him. I was saying that im terrible sry about that but i cant chanced it anymore what i did but i can promise to you that i will never to this again. He said that he want to think about our relationship and will get his things and go to a friends apartment for couple of days. But before that, he was kissing and hugging me. and sayd not to panic, because he is sure that everything will be normal again. But he just dont now any more how he feels. That he loves me but this feeling is not so strong anymore. Then he left and came back at night and said he dont want to separate now and he is sure that the feeling will come back. He again gave me attention and it seemed like everything will be normal again. And allso he said that our sex is like within the borders. i wanted that he will explain to me what he means about that, what he wants then? he said couple of things and i allso. I have done this things and he is not doing this things what i wanted. he wanted that i show iniative, i was doing that but many times he say to me not tonight i m too tired or my stomach hurts and so on. last time when i was going and he tell me that his head aches, i started to cry. and asked himselt that i m thinner and dressing differently. do you see that? He said yes. i was saying but why you dont tell me that then? he said that it has to come naturally. and he hoped that feeling will come back faster but it has come a little bit. this feeling cant come back if he dont let me to fill him lovebank. he is like stressed and thining about his work all the time. 3 months are since the day he comed back. Now i get here her needs and his needs and trying to figure out these. i just dont know what to do more beacause i feel like someone is burning at me.
Hi Chloe, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry but your husband is having an affair. Don't ask him, just please quietly snoop on him and get evidence of his affair. Find out everything you can about his mistress. When you do this, don't confront him, but come back here and we will help you save your marriage.
I have watched his phone, emails and where heś going but dont find anything. Mayby he just cheated me once? and not haveing affair anymore? it could be possible
I have watched his phone, emails and where heś going but dont find anything. Mayby he just cheated me once? and not haveing affair anymore? it could be possible
No, he is having an affair. He can easily delete phone calls and emails. Can you buy spyware to put on his phone? What about a voice activated recorder and a GPS in his car?
I have watched his phone, emails and where heś going but dont find anything.
How exactly are you watching all this? And does he know?
i find out that there is another woman, what i have to do next. He said that he have to say her that she have to answer this woman how they will continue next monday. her or me? and he dont know yet what to decide
this relationship with antother woman as lasted for 8 months. please tell me what to do. I dont want my family will be destroyed and i really love him
How did they meet, is she a colleague? Is she married or in a relationship? Do you know her name?
i find out that there is another woman, what i have to do next. He said that he have to say her that she have to answer this woman how they will continue next monday. her or me? and he dont know yet what to decide
Who is the woman? Do you have her name? Where did he meet her? Is she married? Does she have a facebook account?
no she is not married any more. she has 4 childrens and younger is only 2 years old.
she has been married for 2 mens and separated. My man is in love with her. But allso me too. And dont know what to do, I dont have her fb account and name allso.
He met her at job
Chloe, get her name and find her on Facebook. Find out if she is still married. Where did you get this information about her?
my own men told me this information. I was searching with his emails and i allso now the woman name and everything. She is single.
i watched fb account allso. She is 10 years older than me. I dint told that my man because he didnt want that i found out the name
Chloe, are you married?
i watched fb account allso. She is 10 years older than me. I dint told that my man because he didnt want that i found out the name
I would search her facebook page to see if you can spot a husband. While you do that, you need to collect the names of her family and friends and save it for safekeeping.
Affairs thrive on secrecy so what we advise that you do is expose this affair wide and far. It is no guarantee but it is your greatest weapon in killing the affair and saving your marriage. It should be exposed to all your family, close friends, her facebook friends and to the Human resource department at his job. Exposure is the most effective way to kill an affair. If he will not end his affair in 3 weeks, you need to find a way to separate from him.
Staying with him under these conditions, where he is getting his needs met by TWO women not only makes you look unattractive to him, but it will tear you down emotionally and physically, making you even less attractive.
Please go read this thread and come back and we can help you with next steps:
Exposure
i have searched but didnt met my man. No we are not married but been together 15 years and have 2 kids.
the other woman has told him that he have to decide me or her. Until end of this weekend. because this cant last anymore like this.
what i can do, i really want my family will stay together and i really love him. Should i just wait 4 days or do something?
i have searched but didnt met my man. No we are not married but been together 15 years and have 2 kids.
the other woman has told him that he have to decide me or her. Until end of this weekend. because this cant last anymore like this.
Ok, so that does change things and makes it a little more difficult. I would focus on separating from him and getting good legal advice. Can you consult with an attorney?
Since you are not married, exposure is not going to be the powerful tool it would be in most cases. Why did you never get married?
what i can do, i really want my family will stay together and i really love him. Should i just wait 4 days or do something?
I would pack his bags now and ask him to leave. Competing for him with this woman makes you look less attractive. I would find out today what your legal rights are in your country. Can you do that?
No he is with me know and does not contact this other woman anymore. And have to decide Friday. Before its was next monday but know i told that i m not can a wait longer until friday. And if he stays with me he then have to say this other woman good bye that we can continue to rebuild our love again. have to stop this affair immitedly. He asked my that can i forget this affair ? i said that i have to if we wanna continue and you too. This is not love, the just crushed on her. And if he is not contact this woman any more, then his deep feling will come back. Im really sure about that. But only if we bought want that.
50% house is on my name. and childrens will stay with me if he leave. i wont take him back if he leave and realize couple of weeks or month later that he want to come back. then its over. Our family is destroyed then
No he is with me know and does not contact this other woman anymore. And have to decide Friday. Before its was next monday but know i told that i m not can a wait longer until friday. And if he stays with me he then have to say this other woman good bye that we can continue to rebuild our love again. have to stop this affair immitedly. He asked my that can i forget this affair ? i said that i have to if we wanna continue and you too. This is not love, the just crushed on her. And if he is not contact this woman any more, then his deep feling will come back. Im really sure about that. But only if we bought want that.
I would insist RIGHT NOW that he either end his affair NOW or he can pack his bags. NOW. Make him leave. That is ridiculous and self destructive to tolerate this. And it makes you look bad. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to drag this out other than making your life a living hell for 2 more days.
Secondly, he can never work in the same place again. Are you aware of this?
He should end his affair by sending that HOE a no contact letter that is written together and sent by YOU. He should agree to NEVER EVER see her again.
50% house is on my name. and childrens will stay with me if he leave. i wont take him back if he leave and realize couple of weeks or month later that he want to come back. then its over. Our family is destroyed then
Your family is already gone. It was destroyed by the affair. Him living there does not mean you have a "family," It simply means he gets to have his affair while enjoying the benefits of having TWO women while living in the comfort of his home.
Keeping him in your house is not a victory if he is having an affair, that is a LOSS.
Many marriages do reconcile after a separation if it is done right. But you should not be desperate to keep him there. It won't help your relationship.
Actually they are not working together but she called him and offered his company bisonide credit info. So he can stop this communication. But first he told that they met at the work but know i now they are not working together. In morning i told him, that he have to decide quickly because i cant take this anymore longer.
But if he is going to end this affair. How we are ending this together? By call him or send textmessage?
And this night i have to let him to the choice when he comes home? Stop this affair or get your things and go away?
well he called me that he decided to try with me. but want to ask some questions allso. When he is coming home i allso want to ask what is trying? He have to say that he decided to stay with me, and that its. is this normal that he decided to try?
This doesent work if the bouth of us dont really want that? he had to be wanting that and really try hard to recover our open marriage.and have to met my needs and i have to meet him. Otherwise that wont work.
But I will ask him, how he is going to stop this affair with another woman that i will get part of it. Because i have to be sure. It doesent fit that he just saying he called and stopped. Or what is your adwise?
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
[from SAA, pg 58]
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
He said that he dont want to end it up this way. He want to meet her and end up this affair face to face how i do know then that he really ended up? He said that i just have to trust him. And it is not okay if im going to spy on him when he had stopped that. But if i wanna check and want to be sure that he is not contacting her then he could show me his call register and everything i want. Not phone call register of course because it can be deleted service provider reports. But before i have to ask him and we can watch together. I said if he is contacting her in a future for once then he can back his thing and have leave RIGHT AWAY.
He allso said that his feeling for me have cooled down but he hopes these will come back and as he said he will do his best to meet my needs.
i want him to block this person on fb and emails and calls allso. everything.
But how im going to survive myself. My heart is so broken.
The best way to end it ts to end contact right away.
There is absolutely no need to contact her in order to end contact. That would be stupid.
He said that he dont want to end it up this way. He want to meet her and end up this affair face to face how i do know then that he really ended up? He said that i just have to trust him.
That is unacceptable. He should agree to never ever see or speak to her again or he needs to pack his bags. Of course you don't trust him! This behavior is untrustworthy. He does not get to set the terms for the end of this affair. He agrees to your terms or he packs his bags. Do not allow him to go see his mistress.
He is trying to keep his affair going or he wouldn't be playing this game with you.
And it is not okay if im going to spy on him when he had stopped that.
It is OK that you spy on him. Since he won't know, this won't be a problem. DON'T TELL HIM YOU ARE GOING TO SPY ON HIM.
i want him to block this person on fb and emails and calls allso. everything.
He has to delete his facebook and email and change his phone #. NON NEGOTIABLE.
You don't understand, Chloe. He does not get to set the terms of reconciliation. The terms are non-negotiable or you will never recover. You have an extra long hurdle in that you are not even married. That is hopeless if you can't even affair proof your relationship.
omg what i can do then. He is going to meet her tomorrow and end this affair. He even told his father today, who is knowing his affair and he had asked many of times his advice. And this morning he called father and said that he decided to stay with me. Father said that i should trust that and not pushing because if he say something he will do that. Because before he said that he is thinking about it to father.
should i say my man that i figured out who is that woman or leave it to secret? I will know if he is contacting her future and can easily find out if he is contacted. Should i tell it allso?
omg what i can do then. He is going to meet her tomorrow and end this affair.
Tell him NO, that is unacceptable. If he wants to stay wiht you he must agree to NEVER EVER see or speak to her again. NEVER. He must send her the letter I posted and it should be mailed together.
He even told his father today, who is knowing his affair and he had asked many of times his advice. And this morning he called father and said that he decided to stay with me. Father said that i should trust that and not pushing because if he say something he will do that. Because before he said that he is thinking about it to father.
His father needs to butt out. You have to do what is right for your relationship. And your boyfirend should never ever see or speak to her again.
should i say my man that i figured out who is that woman or leave it to secret? I will know if he is contacting her future and can easily find out if he is contacted. Should i tell it allso?
You tell him the full name of the HOE and tell him he is to never ever see or speak to her again. If he won't agree to this and send the proposed letter, he needs to pack his bags and leave.
If he won't agree to your terms it is proof he is NOT SERIOUS.
If he could be trusted, he wouldn't have cheated.
Chloe, go pack his bags now. Tell him he will agree to end the affair on YOUR TERMS or he needs to leave. The cheater does not get to set the terms of ending the affair. YOU DO. If he will not agree to your terms, he is not serious. Any person who demands to see his mistress to say goodbye is not serious. The last thing you need is to be strung along by a cheater who is not serious.
If he could be trusted, he wouldn't have cheated.
Exactly! Asking him to "be trusted" to go see his mistress is about like asking to "be trusted" to go DRUNK DRIVING! An untrustworthy person should not be "trusted" to do something destructive. That is insane.
Dear Chloe,
This is a crucial time for your relationship. You must let him know that you are very serious. He must know, that he has 1 chance of getting you back. To be with you he has to never see and never contact the other woman again.
No last goodbye.
No last words.
No last kiss.
No last sex.
He is crazy if he thinks that you should trust him.
He thinks you are dumb, if he wants you to trust him.
If you let him meet her and give in, he knows he can play with you.
He is playing his cards and he is not honest.
Dr. Harley says, you should only take a cheating man back, if he regrets it and comes back with his hat in his hand.
Your man is not very sorry. He is thinking of himself. He is thinking of his mistHe ress.
He is not thinking about your sadness and your children's tears.
If you are not taking this seriously, he will not take it seriously.
You can show him your best self.
Dress nicely.
Do not yell to the children.
Show him how nice your relationship can be.
But do not let him see the mistress.
He can have a choice:
He can meet her as much as he wants, but then he cannot see you and the children anymore.
The longer this takes, the longer it takes to recover.
Be strong.
Do not fall for his threats, or his sweet talking.
Take care and may God bless you.
Happyheart
If he does meet her, change the locks on the house, or be gone if he comes back.
There has to be a serious consequence.
We are talking about an affair here.
Not about someone doing a small thing wrong.
Chloe, if you allow him to meet her again, he will have sex with her and she will talk him into staying with her. That would be a huge mistake.
He wants to way goodbye to his addiction. One more shot of heroin and then he says he will stop. How does one quit drugs? Not by taking one last shot of heroin. He will miss his addiction more if he sees her one more time.
Stay strong, be firm, protect yourself from this abuse.
In the morning i made my heart strong and said to him. That he have to stop this affair right now. And He cant do this by meeting him. Find another way do get this done. Call her, send letter or facebook face to face call what ever but he cant meet her anymore. And i will find out if you meet her. He said that it sounds like threatening. i said that take this how do you want but the other option is take your thing and left RIGHT now. He went nerve, i saw that he is not takeing this seriously before and have influenced to this other woman.
I said dont come back before you have done that. And you have to stop any contact with this woman, if you make one contact, only one then you can pack your things. You have only one chance and thats it.
I talked to a very good friends of mine and wanted to ask in here if that is it good if my close friend will call him and talk him? Or should i just wait know and do nothing?
I was asked if he finished this? He said no yet, because this woman is not home tonight. Tomorow he want to meet and say face to face.
And before that he wanna know what i love about him. This is a very hard question to answer right this moment. He has hurted me so much.
He does not accept my conditions. Is this normal? I asked if he regrets what he was doing to me. He said so and so.
Is our relationship can continue this way?
Chloe, you tell him he must send her the letter we posted and agree to never see her again. He has to agree NOW or he moves out NOW! Don't give him time. He needs no time. He has to also give you full access to all his passwords, he needs to delete facebook and change his phone #. If he won't agree to all of these things, he needs to MOVE OUT!
Your friends can call him, but you are the only person who can hold him accountable. You cannot back down.
I was asked if he finished this? He said no yet, because this woman is not home tonight. Tomorow he want to meet and say face to face.
And before that he wanna know what i love about him. This is a very hard question to answer right this moment. He has hurted me so much.
He does not accept my conditions. Is this normal? I asked if he regrets what he was doing to me. He said so and so.
Is our relationship can continue this way?
No, you need to pack his bags and move him out. He is playing games with you. He wants you and the OW to fight for him. DON'T DO THAT. He should be fighting for you.
PACK HIS BAGS AND MOVE HIM OUT!
He knows you are not serious so he is not taking you seriously. Show him you are serious!
Can't find the thread, but I remember a man who hugged and kissed the mistress and told her this was not what he wanted, but he had to while "ending contact".
No contact starts now! Not after hugs, kisses and sweet nothings. No contact and do not negotiate! Zero. None. No facetime, no text, nothing.
Let him know you are serious and help him start packing now.
He is only thinking of himself.
Your heart breaks every time he thinks about this woman. And now, he still wants to meet her.
Just tell him: "You can see her as long as you like, but you cannot have our family and see her one more time."
Make sure to be pleasant to him, but firm.
He can write a letter or call, while you are there.
And have you exposed the affair yet to all people who have influence on him?
Agree with happy heart, except for the calling suggestion. It should end with a letter, not a call.
Well he wanted to end this by meeting and he finnaly met her. And then when he was coming back he said he could not end it. because the woman wanted to talk him over. He takes one more day. i didnt know what do to. He went out and wanted him to left alone. In the morning he regrette that and said he will stay with us and finish it by sending a letter. I saw this letter. I was telling if you contact this woman only once then it will be all over between of us. And thats the way it is. no excuses at all.
But im so suspiscious. Very hard to trust. How we should continue?
I dont want to have sex before the other woman is disappeared of his mind
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
[from SAA, pg 58]
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
The letter was that i decided to stay with my family and this door is closed for us forever. hopefully you'll find a new companion soon.
You are a good person and mother for your childrens. And thats it.
Chloe, have you read Dr. Harley's description of how an affair should end?
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/coping-with-infidelity-the-end-part-2.htm
Hello!
Well it has been 6 months after this affair.
He ending this affair 3 times. Last time i spy on him and get a record to phone calls where he wanted this lover back but the lover ended this because she have found a new guy. I talked about this record and but he was not telling me the truth. Until i sayed the words i heard in this call record. And then when he was at work i tooked my childrens and drived in to my uncle place in other city. I didnt tell him anything.
Then he called me and wanted to know when we are comeing back home? That he dont know what he was looking for this woman when he last called her. And when we are comeing home, he miss us. Then i ended the call and text him that he have to leave, i need time. He leaved and started to text me that he really hope that some day i can forgive him, that he has hated all the time peoples how is sheating and now his one of them. That he dont know how to fix this. But cant leave without us.
So the next message was that can he talk the childrens last time. I allowed to talk the childrens and talked to him what is wrong with him. You can allways talk to childrens if he want. Then he didnt answered any my phone calls and his text message and last goodbye was like his going to kill himself. he text that at home is a letter and all the answers.
Then i contacted to police his parents and we all thought his doing something himself. Luckily i knew where he was and i drived there alone and i found him. He was crying and was really broken. He told that he could not leave without us and he loves me. That he want me to trust him like i just to trust. And if he really wanted to go, then he had allready leaved. he told me that he didnt planned to kill himself. Later i realized that this was manipulation. Then i said okey come back home whit us but in my rules. That we are going to therapist. We visited therapist once. and i get my answers why he was going to affair.
The reasons was that he didnt bealived to our relationship anymore.
This last time was 30 June and we are together since 1 July and everything has been great. He tell me allmost every day that he loves me a lot and we have been traveling 2 times and spend lots of time together. I have asked him that what he feels when he is thinking about the past. he told me that nothing. He have make the decision to stay with me and he is really lucky that he haves me.
But there is allso questions in my head and i dont now the answers to them. And i am afraid to ask him because it will be remind him the affair and he might think that i cant get over this affair never. i dont know what i should do? why this is hurting me so much? There are periods when i dont think about this anymore, but there are allso days that i m thinking why he was doing this to me. How could someone do something like this to a woman he loves so much? I could never do something like this to people that i love. How you can sleep at home with your husband and lie to her 8 months?
He had never told me that he regrets that and he is really sorry and dont know how he could do something like this to me. That he is really sorry about that.
Theres a question in my head why you where staying with me not her? i know that he loves me but i want to hear that he loves me so much and dont feel any feeling of this woman anymore. That this was just a falling in love but not a real love, like he feels to me.
where they meet?
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?
Should i just talk about this thing and thats it? I allso dont want he would feels himself so quilty about that again and i know it will be ruin us relationship but if he really loves me then will get over this. In my heart i know allready that he loves me more than this lover but its like i wanna hear these words in his mouths.
I could never believed that this is could be so hard to me to get over this.
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?
Should i just talk about this thing and thats it? I allso dont want he would feels himself so quilty about that again and i know it will be ruin us relationship but if he really loves me then will get over this. In my heart i know allready that he loves me more than this lover but its like i wanna hear these words in his mouths.
I could never believed that this is could be so hard to me to get over this.
Hi Chloe, thanks for the update. The main issue is that nothing has been done to recover your marriage. Most marriages don't recover from infidelity; they just limp along in a crippled state. You don't have to be like that. Your marriage is not going to recover all on your own. Please read the Requirements for Recovery and get the book Surviving an Affair.
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
<snip>
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
And this is the checklist from the book Surviving an Affair. The most glaring issues in your marriage is that you live close to the OW.
And we are leaving 15 min away from this lover. And he drives there every day with a car when he is going to town. When she will meet her in the shop or anywhere else what will happens then?
He will be perpetually triggered living so close to her. And so will you.
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Well there is nothing i cant do about living so close, because i live in a small country.
The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. (THIS IS DONE)
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. NOT SEND
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: (DONE)
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). DONE but not monitired.)
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). NOT DONE
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). DONE
_____Spend leisure time together. WE ARE DOING THIS A LOT
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. CANT CHANCE BECAUSE HE IS COMPANY OWNER
_____Avoid overnight separation. WE HAVENT BEEN SEPARETED
_____Allow technical accountability. I HAVE
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. THEY KNOW
WHERE I WILL GET THIS BOOK?
Well i was buying this book and it made me so angry. Because it digging all the things out again.
But somehow i could talk to him all the things. And he was telling me everything. He had lied to me about how they met. They met in the internet forum. He told me that he was searching someone he could just talk to. because with me it was impossible. And some day they meet and she was listening him and was very calm. And then he was keep on talking to her every day and was meeting 1 time of week. He was going to her apartment just for eat and talk 1-2 hours. Now he understand that he was just in love with her but this is not love.That love isnt something that will come so quickly. He has allways loved me and the reason that he stayed was that he knew that i can be this old woman that he very much loved. And offcourse we have 2 childrens that was allso the main reason. i allso asked that if he have any feeling for her now? he answered that he dont have any feelings anymore.
And then he talked to me that the lover wrote him a letter in november. i asked where? he said that in the post package. He was thinking that he ordered something somewhere and going to pick it up. I asked what was written in the letter? she was writing that she is loveing him very much and waiting him where they first met and want to have peace. I asked did he met? He told me that he burned this letter and didnt go anywhere.
MelodyLane can you move my post in surviving an affair?
Well why i still keep on thinking the affair every day? how can i forgive this completely? what is stopping me?
I love my man so much but part of me hate him because what he have done to me.
I feel like i wanna talk about this affair once again because there was so many hidden and lied things to me. But i cant talk to him about the affair all the time because i am reminding him this again.And what i will do about his answers, it doesent chance anything. He seems to moved on about everything, why i cant do that.
Some day i feel like i want to call the lover and tell that live my family alone because of this final letter that he send to my man.
He doesnt know how i m still suffering the affair. Should i talk to him about that?
I see all the call registers, bank bills, email accounts, fb messenger.
Its like trigging me depression.