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Posted By: rennels He Think I'm Cheating - 04/10/10 12:30 PM

Alright, where to begin. I am no stranger to affairs. My husband had one five years ago during our first deployment, now five years later he thinks I am having one. We have been together for ten years, married for six. We have three kids together, all army brats. He is currently deployed for the third time and he has never had any thoughts of me doing something like this, so for him to actually accuse me of this has caught me off guard big time. It all started last Wednesday it was 11:15pm our time 6:15am his time. I was in bed, sleeping away and he had sent me several messages to my phone from yahoo. I heard my phone go off at 11:45 and it was from my husband and I always am very excited to hear from him. This message said "well i guess your busy, have a good night" I thought that it was completely odd. I sent him a message back telling him I just had gotten the message and slept through the messages before. Maybe I shouldn't have sent anything back at all and I could have avoided the situation I am in now.
I sent him several emails, after I had missed him online and he never returned them which he normally does. Yesterday he had just gotten back from taken his soldier to a board, and he was very short on yahoo and said well i have to go to chow now, never an I love you or Bye. Again very very unusual for him. I sent him out an email asking him why he was mad at me or why he is irritated with me what did I do so I can fix it. He wrote back and gave me 10 reasons on why. He said bc I sent him two messages that he thought were not meant for him. That a women who goes and make drastic changes to her body is 90% with a new man. (yes i have lost about 36lbs since he left in the fall. I have no other reason then health issues and doing it for myself) That I have been traveling and I have never done that before (i went to SC and visited a friend and we took my kids to the zoo, and this friend was a she and I spent all my time with her or in bed) That I never expressed concern on buying him a car until recently so he thinks I am feeling guilty (he re-enlisted, no bonus and i promised him a car/truck and I kept my promise) That I am inviting men over he does not know (this is just completely whack, I have to much respect for my husband and our marriage and knowing how it feels to be cheated on would never do it) That I am going to baseball games (i am going to a baseball game on Memorial Day, Its with a military group for a salute to our military families.) There maybe one or two that I have left out but these are the ones that stick out the most to me. He said he doubts that I am "messing" around but it sure gives off the impression that I am. I talked to a friend who is also deployed with him and he told me that he had said it once before an it all started with me not getting online that night. I do not know what I can do to make him realize that i am not cheating, that I am completely devoted to him and I would never do something like that. Do I understand where he is coming from? Yes I do since most of our friends have been cheated on or are doing it now. I know it makes them think wow if she is doing it then maybe my wife is doing it also. So I know the affects of what a deployment can do to a person, this is our third deployment but other then his affair five years ago we have a a really strong marriage since then. Can anybody help me and point me in the right direction to show him that I am not doing this?? Please help!
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/10/10 06:40 PM
It first occurred to me that maybe he still feels guilty about his affair and sees this as your opportunity to even the score. He knows he doesn't deserve your loyalty, and it's weighing heavily on him that the tables could turn and he'd have no way to prevent it. Scary.

So...I think you should speak to him via phone asap because he needs to hear in the tone of your voice that you love him and only him and that doing something like that to him would not even occur to you, plus it would mess up the kids' sense of security and well being.

Take each item of concern that he listed and explain your side and make sure he reads them. Don't go off on him for his fear. Just calmly give explanations and reassurances. Tell him that you're there for him and the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. Try not to get sucked in with indignity and anger. It will only feed his fear, and he needs to be focused there on staying safe. Concentrate on his fear and try to squelch that in a loving and patient way.

Tell him in that conversation that you have a package on the way or have one started, and follow through asap. Include things that will make him feel more secure. A picture of you and the kids holding up a sign, home baked items, cards or hand prints from the kids, a lock of the kids' hair or your hair tied with a ribbon for him to hold and keep close to him.

And playing devil's advocate, another view:

The other possibility is that he could be trying to turn it around to make you appear guilty because it somehow helps him justify his own infidelity - past or current. (I certainly hope not, but important to keep the blinders off.) Not that this is what is happening. Doesn't sound like it since his friend appears to be being honest with you.

Don't dwell on this. Concentrate on the first mode of action, but if he continues with his attitude and berating, even after you've done your level best to turn things around for a while, I would talk to his friend again and do your best to try and find out if this is not a case of the pot calling the kettle black. It may help to remind the friend that you have yourself and the kids to consider, and if he had a sister in the same situation, he'd want people to be honest with her.

This could be an honest case of fear and insecurity talking, so I would go with that, especially if it's early into the deployment.

And please know that I've never dealt with deployments or infidelity. I am a 47-year-old wife of nearly 22 years. I'm not a counselor.
Posted By: smileygirl Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/11/10 03:29 PM
He's feeling a bit insecure. I know there's not much you can to assure him other than what you say over the phone, emails and sending packages. Just ask what you need to do to show you are faithful and then do it.
Posted By: RIF Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/11/10 05:16 PM
Hi renels,

Welcome to MB!

I do know that many of the troops over here have much more "down" time than in the past, and "down" time isn't a good thing because it allows one to let their mind wander and "think" of all sorts of things that are "going on" back home.

If your H is like me, he reall enjoys any time that he can spend with you on the computer/phone... and when he tries to contact you and you don't reply "immediately", I suspect that his mind starts wandering and thinking... (see 1st paragraph above!)

Have you given him a "set time" for you guys to "connect"? Mrs. RIF and I only have a short window in the mornings and a bit longer window in the evenings. (Central time & Iraq). I know that I can "usually" get her during these times. If I miss her, I will admit that sometimes my reaction will be to throw a pitty party for myself...

Try giving him some specific times that he can contact you and let him know that you'll do your best to be there when he calls/skypes/e-mails... Oh, and tell him once and for all that you are not cheating and that you are here for him. If he wants to not trust you, that's his business, but let him know that YOU will not accept his verbal abuse and insinuations of infidelity. You are his wife and he needs to start treating you like his wife, not some Jr. High romantic relationship.

Having said all of that, you need to follow through and be an open book for him and by all means, do your best to be there when he expects you. If you can't be, then let him know that you will be doing such and such, and that you will contact him as soon as you return.

Hope this helps... and thank YOU and your H for your service to our great Nation!

Semper Fi!

RIF
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/12/10 07:21 PM

Soolee, Smileygirl, and RIF:

Thank you guys for all your suggestions. I have sent him reassuring emails, I have answered all his concerns in his email that he sent me on Friday. I have printed several pictures out of our children and I and I am fixing to mail him a box out by Wednesday. I can understand where he is coming from, I understand his concern and I forgive him for jumping to this conclusion.
RIF: We do not have a set time that him and I get online. Generally he gets on 11pm eastern time and 6 am his time. We can normally talk for a good half hour sometimes more if they aren't doing anything. Just on this particular night I was exhausted from the kids and going to the gym and doing my normal daily activites that I just slept right through his messages. I felt horrible and I sent him out an email telling him what i was doing. I have even sent him the email that I am going with our FRG to an Atlanta Braves game on Memorial Day. A good friend of ours that is there with him right now, has told me that he is coming around and realizing that I would never do such a thing. He is stubborn and he is just going to have to admit at some point that he was wrong. Hopefully he gets back to his normal self very soon because I miss him very much and I miss talking to him or even just getting an email from him. I did receive a card in the mail with his voice and that made me extremely happy just to hear his voice. Thanks for all your advice, I am sure he will be coming around soon!
Posted By: RIF Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 03:25 AM
Hi rennels,

Sounds like things are getting better, and the friend that's deployed with him can be a big help.

Be firm with him if he starts accusing you and try not to engage in any heated discussions to "defend" yourself. Let him know that you love him and that you are comitted to him and the marriage, then let it go.

Thanks for the update!

Semper Fi,

RIF
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 03:51 PM

RIF:

I got another update smile Earlier today, I got messaged from my husband and he at first just was very cold and mean. He signed back off but then came back on about 5 minutes later. I took this as a sign as he wanted to talk. I messaged him and he said apparently I wasn't clear enough that I was done talking to you, I sent him back a message telling him I don't know what is wrong I have not done anything wrong and we just went back and forth, So i asked him what about messages I sent him and he said that they were for dinner with somebody and coming over to our house. I told him that I could have been meaning to message our friend who I have over and her husband is currently deployed with my husband as well. I just kept asking him the questions that he threw at me in the email on Friday. He kept answering them and I reassured him that I love him and only him and I'd just never do something like that. By the end of the conversation, he was almost his self but at least we are talking and he is seeing the light. Also, he said that when I went to South Carolina, to see my friend her husband told my husband that I went there so she could watch my kids, and then she came down 2 weeks later and he said again that my wife is going to help watch her kids. The weekend she came down, I had minor surgery and she did help me with the kids but I was at home. Its just coming down to people are not giving him what I am actually doing and telling him something other then what I am actually doing (if that makes sense) So right now, my husband and I are on speaking terms, I feel so much better talking to him and seeing what is actually bugging him. As for me, I am going to watch who i talk to and who I speak to and watch what I post on my Facebook account because everything is getting twisted, luckily we are strong enough to get past this and go back to the way things were.
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 06:06 PM
Rennels...

Sounds like your friend may have been a bit irritated about babysitting, feeling like she was taken for granted, perhaps, and conveyed that irritation to her husband. Why would she feel that way about it? Were you clear about where you were at all times? Would she have any reason to doubt where you were or why you needed her to babysit?
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 09:15 PM

Soolee,

She never baby sat for me. Her husband was not clear to my husband when they were talking about those two weekends. The one weekend I went to South Carolina and visited her and took the kids to the zoo, went to lunch, went back to the hotel and swam for a few hours, went to her house for dinner, then I got up Sunday morning and I drove back home. As for the other weekend she came down here, she was apartment hunting for her and her husband. We had a FRG Easter Party, which my husband knew I was there because we talked basically the whole time I was there. Another thing, my husband knew I went to South Carolina and he was fine with it, I tell him everything I do unless I do not get a chance to talk to him first. I have pictures of me at everything I do also.
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 09:26 PM
Oh okay.

So i asked him what about messages I sent him and he said that they were for dinner with somebody and coming over to our house. I told him that I could have been meaning to message our friend who I have over and her husband is currently deployed with my husband as well.

Do you think you can find this message he's talking about and show that you're concerned about it and explain it?
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 09:28 PM
This way you can tell him: "I found that message, and it's just as I thought. That was meant for (fill in the blank) and I was talking about (fill in the blank). Reading it now, I can see how it might have raised some speculation, but there is nothing at all for you to worry about."
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/13/10 09:39 PM

Soolee,

No, there is no way that I can find these messages, they are on yahoo messanger and I went to my archive and the settings delete all my conversations once I log out of yahoo. He knows I am concerned, it took nearly a hour and half of asking questions before we got to the bottom of the issue. I have emails that I have sent saying that my friend and her two sons are coming over for dinner on these dates but on yahoo no they are deleted. I did explain it in more detail with him I was just shortening it on here.
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/14/10 03:52 PM
This may just be a transition period for him where he realizes he has little control over what you choose to do. As I said before, I think he realizes that the tables could turn if you were a less scrupulous individual and had an eye-for-an-eye mentality. Good for you for putting your marriage and the welfare of your children above anything along the lines of infidelity.

One thing that you could do is NOT use this deployment as an opportunity to get too tied up in the freedom end of things. Certainly pursue healthy, marriage-friendly activities, but use extraordinary precaution during deployments. This is going to mean not to make new or pursue any friendships with men. Not to do things that, if your husband were home, would upset his sense of security. You are STILL accountable for keeping your end of the marriage safe and should STILL take extraordinary precautions to keep it that way. Both of you, during deployments, are vulnerable to affairs. Admit that to yourself and be responsible about it. That's all you can do.

One thing you may want to do, and what *I* would do if my husband were in your husband's shoes is try to get on some sort of a communication schedule with him. I'd also work on staying connected to your husband on a weekly basis with something extra. Skyping, packages, home movies, pictures from the kids, or whatever. Make a list. Get your kids involved. Get family and friends involved.

Your husband isn't just away (as you know) he's away doing something that is very stressful and potentially dangerous. Keep that in mind, and be supportive.

And...thanks very much for supporting him so that he can do what he's doing for all of us.
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/14/10 04:25 PM

Soolee,

Thanks, I always put my family above anything else I do. As for making new friendships, we only have one family friend who is male, he was my husband's old PLT Sgt and I am very close to his wife. That is the only male I talk to, I do not care if i have any other male friends. The other guys that I know are currently deployed and I rarely talk go them unless they need me to send them something in a care package. Its very hard to set up a time time table to talk to him. It varies from day to day depending on missions, what he has to do and with him getting a new promotion it means he has more soldiers underneath him and more responsablity then ever before. I always tell him I want him to be well rested, not to stay up until the middle of the night over there. We have tried using Skype before and it messes both of our computers up so we normally get on the webcam when we are on yahoo together. I spoke with him yesterday and I can understand how things got to look bad esp. with people not telling him the whole truth and just part of it and adding other stuff in there when I never did it. I have learned a very important lesson here and its really just watch who I talk to, watch what I say. I never wanted or would hurt my husband, its not me.
Posted By: Soolee Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/14/10 07:04 PM
I have learned a very important lesson here and its really just watch who I talk to, watch what I say. I never wanted or would hurt my husband, its not me.

That's probably a very good idea, especially when that person has nothing to lose if your husband perceives the message incorrectly.

Best thing is to continue making your husband your best friend. Be open and honest as suggested here. You might look into an online journal that you both have access to as well, maybe with a password. This might help you both put your feelings into words and keep the lines of communication open, too. He could see what you're doing day to day, and maybe when he has time he'll be able to do the same. You could date each entry like a diary, so if he can't get through or doesn't have time to talk, he can tap into that to see what you did that day? Just an idea.
Posted By: rennels Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/14/10 07:57 PM

Soolee,

My husband and I just spoke for almost a hour and half. It was wonderful. He was very loving and forgiving and told me that our friend who told him this stuff came and gave him an apology and didn't mean to cause problems between us. He said he was sorry for jumping to conclusions and we both just apologized to each other. He said he hasn't been that busy lately and he should be able to get online around 11ish our time before he starts his day. He also shared some great news and he has been recommended for a battlefield promotion. They only give 30 out a year and he is the only one in his battalion and its up to the commanding general, he is so excited and I am so proud of him! We are talking about going on a cruise once he gets home because we have never had a honeymoon.
Posted By: smileygirl Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/16/10 11:35 PM
I"m glad you guys are talking things through. I hate it when we have communication issues and it's just doubly hard when people are saying one thing and he thinks you are saying something else.

Definately hit up that opportunity to meet his admirations needs - that's so awesome he got that promotion! You should be proud smile
Posted By: RIF Re: He Think I'm Cheating - 04/17/10 03:58 PM
Hi Rennels!

So glad that you guys were able to work through this...

Deployments are hard.

Semper Fi,

RIF
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