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Posted By: Zakiyah I drove him away ... - 06/11/10 09:42 AM
He's gone ..... and I don't know if we will repair things.

He left me after 13 years together. We had grown so far apart, so miserable that I didn't even know something was that wrong. I know that may not make sense but it's the truth. I've been living with a roommate for years.

He went to the bottom of my priority pile .... we were so busy with our home, business, children, yadda yadda .... that I forgot I had a mate.

I love him with all my heart. I adore the man that I married, and I miss him terribly. He hasn't been that man for a long time, but I am still in love with him.

It's like I had a heart attack and came to my senses and everything is SO CLEAR that I never want to go back to what it was before. But now that my eyes are open, my mind is clear and I realize that my husband DESERVES to be my number one priority he is gone.

We are separated. It finally happened a few days ago. At first he was so angry and hurtful he said he would not even consider counseling. Said he hadn't loved me in years and that it was over. Tonight I spoke to him and he has said he's been researching and he is going to get some help.

I'm already in counseling, I recognize there are things in myself I am ready and willing to fix. He is calling me on Friday and we will talk again. It just hurts so bad that I drove my husband away and I didn't even realize it because I was so busy keeping everyone else, everything else, EVERYTHING together. Keeping it all running smoothly .... except I forgot about my mate and his needs.

And now he is gone and I am so very, very lost.
Posted By: Zakiyah Re: I drove him away ... - 06/11/10 09:43 AM
I have had an emotional heart attack.... It's like I almost died on the table and my eyes have been opened. I HAVE to change things ... or die. I know that sounds extreme and I do not mean that in the physical way. It's just an analogy that works for me. I have to change the way I was living SO dramatically because the person I had become was so unhealthy...

He had asked for space and I was trying SO hard to give it to him. And then Wed night I had to contact him TWICE because of business and house things. He had locked our second biz computer and I needed in. The password, once he gave it to me was very hurtful and just caused a melt down.

We are supposed to talk on Today (friday). He is SO stubborn. He is in 'deployment mode' and totally shut down. We're an army family, he's active duty. He's focused on the mission and it seems atm that mission is to leave. I'm scared he's going to truly, really just give up because all he is focusing on are the bad things. And mostly how he is a shining example of 'trying' and I never did. Neither of those are true, and I understand he is lashing out. But it hurts.

What is true is that while over the years we BOTH tried to fix things, we didn't really WHAT to fix. Putting a bandage over a gushing wound does not help it heal. It just might stop the bleeding short term.

So now I am waiting for this afternoon -- and hoping to heck he will decide we are worth fighting for. Trying so damn hard .....

I would rather be happy than right ....
Posted By: LovingAnyway Re: I drove him away ... - 06/11/10 01:23 PM
Welcome to MB, Badger...sorry for the circumstances and happy you found this site.

I really like your metaphor of an emotional heart attack. I remember a lot of the feelings and realizations you describe.

Have you verified through independent means that he's not having an affair? Some of the phrases he's using are red flags for that. And if he is, then it changes your plan a bit to save your marriage.

Have you been reading all the articles by Dr. Harley on this website? The Basic Concepts? Four rules of Marriage?

Studying can make waiting more productive...and help ground you in your purpose, your own goal...keeps the miasma of loss at bay a bit.

You are not alone.

Posted By: rightherewaiting Re: I drove him away ... - 06/11/10 08:40 PM
Welcome to MB, badger. Sorry you have to be here, though. The only up side to all you've got on your plate is that this is, bar none, the best place to be if you're having a marital crisis. Please read all the articles linked to the home page. Pay particular attention to the Emotional Needs and the Love Busters sections...and to "Plan A," which provides direction for what you should do to begin pulling things together. There is a wealth of information--and HOPE--in this program. And YOU have more power in this situation than you think! Read and learn.

There are also some wonderful books written by Dr. Harley, the psychologist who created this program. Oddly enough, they are called "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs," which illuminate what you can do to apply healing salve on your bleeding marriage (not to mention your heart).

LovingAnyway mentioned something that it's important you not overlook. It is imperative that you do some digging to determine whether your H is involved with someone else. As she pointed out, there are some red flags here. (Can you see them?) May I add that NONE of us here ever expected such a thing from our mates, but it must be ruled out in your case too. I hope you CAN rule it out, but be prepared...

DO NOT ASK HIM if he's having an affair! The odds of him admitting it are somewhere between slim and non-existent. If he is, you will only drive him further underground, and it will be harder to get to the truth. Check cell phone records (paper bills or online statements), credit card statements, etc. If you need help doing this, plenty of us here can share techniques that helped us. Also, do NOT tell him about this website yet.

Once you figure out what's going on, whether you find another woman in the picture or not, bring back what you find, and we'll lead you through the steps Dr. Harley has laid out for restoring marriages.

There is great support, information and comfort here. We're glad you've joined us 'marriage builders.'

Right Here Waiting
Posted By: Zakiyah Re: I drove him away ... - 06/11/10 11:10 PM
Thanks for the replies ...

I am not 'badger' that is actually his nickname so it hurts a bit inside to be called that - lol. That being said I prob ought to change my username -- badgersden is our business and it's just always my auto name i use.
Posted By: Zakiyah Re: I drove him away ... - 06/12/10 01:11 AM
Yes there was a short emotional tryst with another woman ... that has ended as far as anyone knows. It set off this whole leaving the house and separating. She was almost 20 years younger and has moved on to the next guy.

He says he hasn't loved me for years and just wants to be friends for the 'sake of the children'.

He really hasn't been the same since he came back from Iraq in 2004. I wish there was such a thing as mandatory counseling frown
He says he is going to seek out counseling but he tends to be a procrastinator so we'll see. He has gotten a room with a friend near base and as far as I can tell has no interest in ever reconciling or fixing our relationship.

He's just suddenly walked away as if it meant nothing. He has taken on a 'victim attitude', treating this all as if I am the bad guy. Going so far as to act like he's been abused. I know I'm hard to get along with and I know we have issues, but this one just floors me. He says he's afraid of me? I don't understand that.

I wonder about the whole mid-life crisis angle. Some of the things I've been reading about that fit him to a 'T'. I want my husband back, I want to make my family whole.

I am just lost and trying to keep our home and everything that entails, including our son together.
Posted By: rightherewaiting Re: I drove him away ... - 06/16/10 04:52 PM
Just re-read this thread and was trying to figure out why we were calling you "Badger" till you said you'd changed your screen name. Good idea, since the nickname was a trigger.

You believe you "drove him away." While it is important to recognize that he made choices that moved him away, it is equally important to examine the behavior you think helped make him want to move away from you.

You allude to being "hard to get along with." In what way? Do you have angry outbursts? Say disrepectful things to him? Make selfish demands? Ignore him? You are 50% of your marriage, so your actions have impact. He's said he is "afraid of you." My FWH said the same thing! Not afraid I could physically overpower him, but afraid of the slings and arrows I could deliver (and sadly, often did, sometimes with harsh words, sometimes by simply ignoring him while I took care of the house, the kids, my job, etc). Those things HURT him. Just as he was doing things that hurt ME. Still, the only behavior we can control is our OWN.

You must identify what you do/did that made you "hard to live with" and change those behaviors! I'll bet you didn't do those things when you were dating, or in the early, happy years of your marriage. Doing them erodes love. You know this, and it is within your power to change your behavior. Read up on Plan A. Get the book "Love Busters" and find yourself in it. "His Needs Her Needs" will show you the things that build love. Learn about those things too.

I think there is a lot more to this story than you know. Your H is acting like a full-out wayward. This "short emotional tryst" may have been neither short nor merely emotional. Who told you she has moved on to the next guy? How did you find out about her in the first place?

Another important question: How old is your husband?
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