Marriage Builders®
Posted By: TwistedMoments Confused and Fighting - 06/13/10 04:17 AM
Well my story starts as a fairytale. I met my Fiance a little over 5 months ago. It was love at first sight/meeting. He is 29 years old with no children and previously divorced. I am 26 years old with a 6 year old son and previously divorced. He is almost a male duplicate of me. This is a huge problem because we are too much alike ( i never thought that would be a problem but it is).

I am prior active duty military and he is current active duty military. Because of my knowledge of the military and my experiences I NEVER wanted to fall in love with a military man. He is in the Army and I am madly in love with him. The problem is the fact that he is in the army stationed South Korea. There have been many small things that have cause many fights since he has been there. There are alot of women there and I see them in his room and they do inappropriate things. Some of these include coming to his room late at night, changing his status on his facebook page, and being in his bed. This has caused numerous issues but has since been corrected by him.

I love him and we plan on marrying in March. The problem is that the distance is causing us to fight alot and make me very crazy. We love each other so much and both are trying to make the best of the situation but it is taking it's toll on me mentally. The even bigger issue now is that hwe may be going to war with North Korea. I fear for our future and feel that I am going insane.

I have pushed him away quite a bit and he is still hanging in there and prmises that he will never leave me.I do want things to work out for us.

I guess the question is what can I do to end the fighting and be a better fiance/wife to him? I know that is must be very hard for him being over there.
Posted By: aussieswife Re: Confused and Fighting - 06/14/10 11:37 AM
First TM ... welcome to you in joining us here learning from the Harley's.

Now war with NK may or may not happen in the future... More likely not as the NK regularly declares its going to war if 'X' does or doesn't happen. No one knows the future even if we are a bit worried about it.

I am very... oldish compared to you. well I feel that way grin I have lived through 15 deployments since we were married and am currently living through the sixteenth.

Here's what you can do. You whine, rant, cry and/or moan at any inanimate object you can lay your hands on... or us here on MB if you so wish.... because you can't hurt us....but you keep telephone conversations with your husband warm.... light and positive ..... right the way through deployment.

You are both under enormous strain. You are both young... newly paired and going through your first deployment together - which is I might add... by far the worst in many ways... but this is the time when YOU get up and take the lead.. put on the relationship pants.

This is your opportunity to show your husband to be and the rest of the World just what you are made of. He has limited opportunity to call you.... he's in Theatre and he is likely to be very nervous of his future.
He does NOT need argument... debate ...and his relationship un-picked on the rare occasion he gets near a telephone.
Especially if he IS at fault... yes I know it is VERY unfair and I have screamed a few times post phone call too.

There will be those who say its letting him ride all over you and so on but it's not at all. Deployments are a very special situation where normal rules mostly do not apply. He wants to know he is loved and that he has something good to fight for if he has to and to come home to.

You ask any seasoned wife and you know what their 'phone calls are like;

'Hello my darling! yes I am fine, we all are. Don't worry I'm holding the fort. Now tell me angel how are YOU?'

and then when he has finished telling us and we have exchanged 'I love you's' and 'Be careful!'

we put the phone down and sob our hearts out and rant at the cat.. dog or punch a pillow - but he's walking away from the phone smiling thinking 'my wife's fine. What a girl!'

I have a caveat here though!! You did the very right thing to bring up his behaviour with other women. THAT behaviour is not to be permitted and he should be told that.. gently and firmly. No wriggle room allowed here for either of you. Both of you MUST maintain good boundaries.

Avoid confrontation during deployments and all those 'or else' options. Either or both of you will make bad errors of judgement during stressful times. If serious talks are due post deployment then wait until then.

Know he will have changed and the new 'him' will take some adjusting to. It's not an easy road TM as I am sure you know

read and learn the Harleys methods because they work.

all the best

AW
Posted By: TwistedMoments Re: Confused and Fighting - 06/14/10 11:36 PM
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I know I need to be strong for him and change my way of responding to him. He already broke down and told me how hard it is for him being over there and adjusting. He wants to be able to come home and call me and not argue bgut rather have him make his day okay. I feel a little selfish when I get mad and blow up about things because I am seeing only my view.

I LOVE him and know that our love conquers all. He is the only man for me and I try to tell him this all the time. I never get off the phone without letting him know that I love him. We actually just got off the phone ( like 2 minutes ago) and it was beutiful. We agreed to work on our communication and I am sucking up my pride and giving in to his needs. Right now he needs me to stay strong and support him. This will only improve his confidence.

He is really excited to start our family and spend the rest of our lives together as am I.

Thank you so much for your response because it really heled me alot!
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums