Marriage Builders®
Posted By: unseen2 Am I wrong for thinking that my needs matter - 06/15/10 01:05 AM
Hi all,

Been a long time since I posted here. Previous fiasco of a marriage is dead and gone.

I am in what I thought was a good relationship. It has been 5 yrs that we have been together, been through one deployment with her, and unlike my first 2 wifes/fiancee she did not cheat on me and over all made it a tolerable deployment.

Now I have another deployment comming up (#4) and it seems like she is trying to push me away. Keeps doing things she knows upset me, damn near doing what the last one did. All i know is i'm tired and can't fight like I did the last one.

Anyway, kinda just need input now

All I can say is that maybe she does not know how to express the emotions that she is feeling about your leaving again. I know this because I am in a similiar situation with my finace being in Korea. We were fighting all the time because we just could not get the emotions out correctly. We are trying so hard to express to each other now how we feel whether good or bad.

As a woman it takes an emotional toll on her to know that she is not going to see you for however long your deployment is. It is easier to push you away than to deal with the ongoing tormoil that she feels inside. Anyway you both should try and talk about it and discuss how it makes you feel having to be apart. Make plans on how to strengthen each other during your time away. You both will need emotional support during this seperation.
It is hard it seems like every time I ask her not to or to do something, she does the oposite of what I need.

She tells me that she thinks one of her guy friends might be getting to close, wanting more. I ask her to cut contact then. What does she do, keeps texting, talking on facebook, asking him to come over and help with some yard projects. I know what that kind of stuff leads to. She knows what I went through with my last wife, but she does it anyway. Then acts like i'm being unreasonable.

Now shes in that "I need space" mode, and she took of her engagement ring. I've done my share of bad things, I'm on edge alot, damn grumpy sometimes, plain hard to be around. She thinks I act that intentionally.

Hell sometimes I don't know why I get so mad. Actually I do, just wish I could make it stop. After I came home in Oct08 it was hard on her. I think your on to something I do think she is worried how it is going to be when i come home this time. I worry to. I'm a medic with an infantry company, the odds of me getting an "easy" deployment are slim. so I know I'm going to "off" when I get home (just like the rest of the tours)

rambling again just have not been able to get some of this out
Unfortunately, if you've had the same experiences multiple times then there is something you are doing that may be triggering it.

If you do the same thing multiple times and expect different results, that is the definition of insanity. Think very critically about what you are currently doing and try to pinpoint where the "breaking point" was in all of your relationships. Once you have that image clear, you will want to come up with an action plan of steps you can take to improve your current relationship. Then work towards that goal on a daily basis. Good luck!
Gina, can you share how Marriage Builders concepts will help this poster's marriage?
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