Marriage Builders®
Posted By: ss409 WH disobeying no contact order - 06/21/10 08:02 PM
I wrote a similar post on a couple of other threads, but I'm not sure which area fits best. My WH and I have been married for almost 19 years. We have 3 children ages 13, 10, and 7. I found out about the affair in May last year, and it is still going on. The day after I found out I agreed to go to counseling, but he “needed time”. I gave him time, and he spent it with the OW. For the next month, he would come home, go back to OW, come home, etc. My WH went overseas for 2 months, starting in June, and told me he had told her it was over. When he returned, he told me “he couldn’t do this” and went back to her. The first week in September he came back home, ready to try counseling. I went out of town for 5 days (a month earlier I had invited him to go with me), and while I was out of town, he went back to her and he has remained there. He said I abandoned him. How can you abandon someone when they know where you are going, who you’ll be with and when you’ll return?
He has changed his entire lifestyle for the OW. I used to think my WH was a strong Christian and a good example to his children, but now it’s not so. He has started drinking beer (which he said in the past he never really liked), smoking (his whole family smokes and he has abhorred it ever since I’ve known him- 22 yrs.), cussing, getting tattoos and a nipple piercing, hanging out in bars, etc. He has turned his back on God and the church, which is the most troubling thing to me. While our marriage was precious, his soul is even more so.
Let me give you the worst part, except for the A, of the whole story. My WH is an officer in the military and the OW is an enlisted soldier. I’m not sure how it happened, but the Army found out about the A (it had been going on for 7-8 months by this point), and investigated. During the investigation, they were given a No Contact Order, which they both disobeyed (Army didn’t find out). They were both given a letter of reprimand and she was sent overseas. Even though they are miles apart, they continue talking and emailing practically on a daily basis. He never did that with me, even though he has been on 3 different deployments. He has leased her apartment while she’s gone. She has posted pictures of them on her Facebook page and listed her relationship status as engaged, even though we aren’t divorced yet and won’t be for a while. I called a buddy he works with to double check about the investigation and reprimand. I didn’t say anything about WH and OW still being in contact. My WH finds out and tells me I need to leave it alone before something bad happens (Army finding out). Of course he defended her posting pictures of them on Facebook, because that’s her life and he doesn’t control what she does. My anger comes from the fact that the children and I rely, almost solely, on his paycheck (I only have 2 part time jobs and will lose one at the end of this month) and insurance. If the Army does find out, it could mean he will be dishonorably discharged and we lose EVERYTHING. I have moved back to my small hometown to be near family, and jobs are scarce.
I tried to implement Plan A, but with no results. He seemed to care only about her and her feelings. He even told me “if I stay with her, I hurt you, if I stay with you, I hurt her”. In what universe should her feelings supersede the feelings of his wife and children?
The children just came back from spending 2 weeks with their dad. During that short visit, he left them alone twice to go eat dinner with a friend. The first time, he didn’t return home until 10:00 pm!! If he cares and loves his children, like he claims, why would he choose to take time away from them when his time was so short. Last night, our youngest DD cried herself to sleep, because she wanted her daddy. I asked if she was glad to be home and she said yes, but she wanted Daddy to be with us. My heart breaks for the children, but I sometimes feel they would be better off without him. Sorry if I’ve rambled, but I’d appreciate any advice and support you could give me.

P.S. Her family knows about them and doesn’t seem to mind. The affair has been exposed almost as much as it can be, without possibly putting me and the children out on the street.
Posted By: armymama Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/21/10 08:53 PM
From your other posts, it appears as though you are divorcing. Have you gone into plan B and ended all contact with our WH?

I am sorry you are hurting. In my case, I exposed the A between my officer husband and his NCO OW to her husband, my MIL, several friends, etc. About 3 weeks after D-day, my H self reported the A to the Army and both he and ow received punishment - way more than letter of reprimands. My H and OW had several breaks in contact, some of which occurred after the no contact order. One of these breaks he reported himself. Some of the others I exposed.

If you want to recover your M versus divorce, definitely contact the command and let them know about the break in NC. If you are going to divorce anyway and don't want to jeapordize financially, then don't. I know that opinion won't be popular with some posters on this forum.

AM
Posted By: smileygirl Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/21/10 09:21 PM
I know you are depending on him financially but he's not going to stop this cake eating. I think the command needs to know he broke the no contact. First, go to JAG and see exactly how much you are entitled to as far as financial support.

Do you have any family to go to? As far as living with, since you may need some help financially.

I would start Plan B - Plan A typically doesn't work by itself from what I read.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you and your family.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/22/10 04:15 AM
I do have family, but my parents are both retired and don't have the money or the room for me and 3 children. The other problem is we both have a lot of debt. I would give anything if I had a job that could sustain me and the children, or a fairy godmother. LOL!! If that was the case, I would have gone to his command a long time ago.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/22/10 10:01 PM
My DD had another night of crying herself to sleep. Both times, she says she wants her daddy. Short of holding her and telling her I'm sorry she has to go through this, is there anything else I can do? Knowing my WH, if I mentioned it to him, he would LOVE hearing that his DD wants him.
Posted By: TwistedMoments Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/22/10 11:54 PM
I just don't understand ho w he could be so selfish and not think of the children. Why would he be risking his whole career and future of his children on something like this? You said that his command knows what is going on, yet they don't really seem to be doing anything about it. As for your options, I would definitely check with the JAG to see what rights you have and what can be done to protect you and your children financially. Being prior military myself, I find that you seem to be getting the short end of the stick.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/23/10 02:46 AM
TM..I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. WH has started living this "fantasy" life and it's all he sees. The OW is 3 years older than me and her children are grown and out of the house (her youngest is 19). WH is living "the high life"..no parental responsibilites, able to come and go as he pleases, and the OW taking care of all his ENs and PNs. She even gives him money when he's running low. It seems like he's getting everything he wants, while I'm out here all alone. Part of me wants to call his command and let them know that it's still going on. This is the revenge part of me. The other part is stepping back and allowing God to seek vengence on him. Waiting until judgement day is the hard part. I need to learn to take solace in the fact that my hurt is temporary, while WH's will be eternal, unless he repents. I hope I'm not getting too preachy, but being a Christian and going through this kind of pain is difficult when everything your feeling is saying you want WH to feel as bad as you do.
Posted By: smileygirl Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/24/10 05:07 AM
If anything see what you are entitled to financially. Also, you can go see a chaplain. He/she will keep things confidential I believe (mine did). I'd also call military onesource to find a counselor or something - sounds like your DD could use someone to talk to.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 06/24/10 01:34 PM
The children and I are seeing a great Christian counselor. The kids haven't complained once about having to go. I think they truly like having someone to talk to about what is going on. I would love for them to talk to me but right now they aren't ready, and that's okay.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/25/10 04:50 AM
I recently found out that the OW has been separated from the Army for the affair. My WH and I had somewhat agreed to hold off on the divorce until we reach our 20th anniversary. According to military law (20 yrs marriage thru 20 yrs. service), I would be entitled to keep all my benefits; most noteably my health insurance. Now that OW is being kicked out, he's talking about going ahead with the divorce, so we aren't "left hanging". In other words, I want to wipe my hands free of you so I can marry her.
One of the things I find so frustrating is his whole attitude about this. WH and I were talking just a couple of weeks ago and he was crying about all the hurt he's caused, etc. Now that she's free and clear from the Army and she has returned from overseas, he's back in "their" world.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/25/10 04:59 PM
Originally Posted By: ss409
I recently found out that the OW has been separated from the Army for the affair. My WH and I had somewhat agreed to hold off on the divorce until we reach our 20th anniversary. According to military law (20 yrs marriage thru 20 yrs. service), I would be entitled to keep all my benefits; most noteably my health insurance. Now that OW is being kicked out, he's talking about going ahead with the divorce, so we aren't "left hanging". In other words, I want to wipe my hands free of you so I can marry her.
One of the things I find so frustrating is his whole attitude about this. WH and I were talking just a couple of weeks ago and he was crying about all the hurt he's caused, etc. Now that she's free and clear from the Army and she has returned from overseas, he's back in "their" world.


Use whatever legal means available to DRAG OUT the divorce process as LONG AS POSSIBLE.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/25/10 05:25 PM
Quote:
One of the things I find so frustrating is his whole attitude about this. WH and I were talking just a couple of weeks ago and he was crying about all the hurt he's caused, etc. Now that she's free and clear from the Army and she has returned from overseas, he's back in "their" world.


That's the fantasy of the drug known as adultery.
PLEASE, read the CARROT/STICK link in my sig line.

Are there any parts of Plan A that you have left to do?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/25/10 05:27 PM
Without a PLAN, you are at the mercy of those two fools.

I have not read any PLAN in anything that you have chosen to post so far.
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/26/10 02:35 AM
Pepperband,

I gave up my plan when my WH told me I had abandoned him (I went out of town for a previously planned event which I invited him to). I was gone all of 1 day before he went back to OW. The Army even sent her overseas, but he still kept in touch with her more than he every did with me while he was overseas. My DS said that while they spent time with their dad over the summer, he talked to her (video chat or phone)almost every day. During the third year of our marriage, he was in Korea for a year and we talked only once a week with a few letters in between.
Divorce is the only option I see now. It has been a little over a year since this all happened and the hurt runs too deep. He hasn't shown any inkling that he intends to every leave her. I don't expect the relationship to last anyway, so he'll eventually be paying alimony to 2 ex wives. Right now, I'm just trying to do what's best for me and my children.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/26/10 03:21 AM
Honey.
You do have a plan.
Plan D.
If you have more to gain by slowing down the D ( like health care) then drag your feet.

Plan D also takes strategy.
Yanno?

Why not Plan B his azz while you drag your feet on the D?
Posted By: ss409 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/26/10 03:55 AM
That's what I hoping to do. I would bet everything that OW is pushing him to divorce so they can marry. Just drives me insane that this "woman" (if you can call her that) will be in my children's lives. My youngest DD said just the other day that she hopes she doesn't become their stepmom.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 08/26/10 09:55 PM
Do you understand Plan B?

It means you get an IM (intermediary) to handle ALL communication business between you and WH.

You do not read his emails and texts.
They get sent to the IM and all emotional garbage is removed, the IM forwards only business that is important and necessary for to you to read.

If you want to see what Plan B looks like ... go read Scotland's thread.
*LINK* to Scotty's thread ....


Posted By: DaisyTheCat2 Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 11/03/10 08:54 PM
Please, if you can drag it out to 20 years do so. 19 years and 10 months may not be good enough for the health benefits- please check with the JAG because I think some things you keep (like health insurance) if he makes it to 20 and you were married the whole time. Some things (like base privileges) you only get for a year or less.

If he's insisting on pushing this divorce earlier, and you can't drag it out, make sure you get what you're entitled to of his retirement (years of marriage/total years of service)*50% of retirement check.

Not saying you should do this part: but if it was me and he refused to drag it out, I would expose expose expose.

When I researched this, it was because I was the military person divorcing my unemployed husband. He technically was entitled to 30% of my retirement (which he gave up in exchange for a concession I made) but was not entitled to health, base, or other privileges.

Please check with the JAG on what you are entitled to. I can understand not wanting to talk with the other wives if you're trying to keep things quite until he makes 20. But, too many of my coworkers leave their families in dire straits to pursue the fantasy of an affair. Get everything you can out of this. It's bad enough he broke your heart. Don't let his selfishness make your life any more worse.
Posted By: Biker Re: WH disobeying no contact order - 12/23/10 08:46 AM
Chaplains are required to keep things confidential and if they don't can get in trouble themselves.
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