My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and going on 6 in Feb. We have 2 kids together, 10 months and five years. On July 26th she deployed for the first time to Iraq for 6 months. We were talking regularly through email, then one week i didnt really hear from her, I sent her an email and she told me that she has been doing alot of thinking and she is done with the relationship and is not in love with me. Im not in the military and im here with the two kids, I was confused and upset when she told me because we were doing really good since our son was born months ago. She sent me an email with all the stuff i did wrong, arguing, we are roomates, bickering, etc. I understand I have my faults and I have alot to improve on, I already am going to counseling for my issues, i really want this to work, I dont want to lose her, i know she says she doent love me anymore but is there anything i can do? i dont want to harrase her and i want to give her her space, but she doesnt come back until the end of january 2011, what should I do?

Hi Monday, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

There is not much you can do while she is away other than do your best to be as pleasant as possible until she gets back.

I hate to tell you this, but I strongly suspect she has met someone new. But i don't know how you could find out if she is in Iraq.

i asked her if she was sexually or emotionally involved w/ anyone, she said no. she said she came to this desision on her own. she had a long list of stuff that i did wrong, slept all the time, constant arguing, etc. in a way im glad she told me this b/c it has taken the blinders off my eyes. im going to counseling and reading many books on how to improve myself and my marriage. i just need her to give me a little lead way so i can show her how much i have changed while she was gone. I am not going to go back to my old ways, i want to keep improving until i take my last breath here. i accept i have many many many flaws, but im fixing them, NOW!!!! i just hope its not too late...she already tells me she doesnt love me, and she wants a divorce...is there any chance to save this?

A cheater will always deny they are cheating. In addition, it is classic behavior to find fault with your partner in order to justify the affair. Every thing you say here just makes the case stronger. An affairee will even rewrite history and claim to not have loved you for "years" even though you have evidence to the contrary.

I am sorry, but this has all the earmarks of an affair. It is good to focus on self improvement, but I feel strongly the main issue is an affair which was brought on by the separation. living apart like this is an invitation to an affair.


The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. The fact that she wants to just get divorced reveals that there is another REASON she wants to leave the marriage, and that reason is an affair, I assure you.

I agree that she is most likely involved with someone in Iraq. Do you know anyone else in the unit? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable asking (that would keep a confidence)? Is there someone she talked about before she deployed (before the PA portion of my H's affair started, he sometimes talked about the OW to me, even introduced us at a formal event one time, H went on a family boat outing with her and her family)? Is it possible to snoop into any personal email accounts she might have? The snooping is very difficult since she is in Iraq. I think it is likely that she is having an affair and that the affair is with someone that is in her unit and also deployed.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. You are in the right place to find assistance though.

AM

Still around here Monday? Just wanted to check up on you. Check your private messages on here. I am in a very similar situation.



edit; Ok how can I send a private message on here? Its says they are disabled.

They are disabled. If you like, you can message the moderators and ask them to send your email address to whoever you are trying to contact.

While she is away, do all you can to become the husband you need to be. When she gets back you will have a big head start to making things right with her. If things don't work out, and I hope they do, you will have at least improved yourself, which is always a good thing.

Since there's nothing you can actively do right now, why not ignore her references to divorce? Send her letters with pictures of you and the kids doing fun things together. Write about memories of fun things you did together in the past and things you want to do in the future. Emphasize "family" in all the letters, and mention positive things you are doing, such as counseling. Apologize for arguing all the time and tell her how you've discovered new ways to work things out without fighting. Tell her how excited you are to see her again in January. Send her her favorite candy or book or whatever while she's in Iraq. Just keep it positive and upbeat. Don't beg, don't discuss divorce, just ignore those items and focus on being the best parent and husband you can be. It's quite possible that if she is having an affair it will have fizzled by the time she gets back, or may not look as fun stateside. And if she isn't, she should really be looking forward to seeing her family again in January.