Marriage Builders®
Posted By: BW_I H wanted divoce, had A went overseas wants us - 11/17/10 05:38 AM
My husband and I have know eachother since high school even though we are not high school sweet hearts. We were best friends for two years, dated for two years and have been married for two years. We have a son who is three and a daughter a little over a year. My husband is active duty military just shy of two years.

I started noticing problems about four months ago how our relationship was not the same. I noticed we were going through all the red flags of a dwendling marriage. We were not comunicating as well as we use to. We stop spending our free time together. Mosty due to the fact we had just moved to our first duty station and knew no one and given our kids are so young I did not trust anyone to take care of our kids. Money was also tight given that my husband is of low rank. Instead we would have one stay home while the other went out to have some fun to save on money and to have a sitter. I know a lot of things that have been going wrong are mostly from my lack of attention toward him. We stopped being affectionate toward one another. When the topic of sex would come up I would always have an excuse such as I'm tired. In all reality it wasn't on the top of my priority list. My mind is always racing a mile a minute as to what else needs to be done around the house, why are the kids crying, trying to get the kids to sleep, do we need more groceries ect. My husband would try to make something happen but I would always say wait let me finish what I am doing. Again I started to see the sign but they never got addressed most out of fear that if they were discussed something worse like divorce may be said instead of trying to fix the problems. The problems were also put on the back burner due to us recieving orders to move to another country. Many things had to be done for out processing and it kept us very busy. I've read all the topics on the web page so I know what we can do to fix the marriage but I feel like I have found red flags and web page too late.

Two months ago I left our first duty station to come stay with family so we could collect extra money due to allowences. Six days later my husband calls me to tell me he does not want the kids and I to follow him to the new duty station and that he want's a divorce. I tried to talk to him about it but he stuck to his decision and said divorce. Even after we talked he said he had thought long enough, he no longer saw me as the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he no longer loved me and he wanted a divorce. I had no choice but to go back to where I was staying with family because I had to take care of the kids. Durring the next two months I still tried to talk to my husband about where things were going wrong in our marriage and how we could still fix them. Still no change. His last 4 days before he went to his new duty station he came to see the kids to spend some time with them and to tell them bye. Durring these four days I found out he slept with someone four days after he told me he wanted a divorce and that he was now in a relationship with this person who he says he is in love with. She was a co worker whom I told him I did not trust due to her and her husbands unstable marriage and how she would act around my husband. My husband has since been gone for three weeks overseas. Durring these three weeks he and I have had a few conversations regarding our problems with our marriage only to have my husband say he doesn't feel as our marriage has a chance, yet he was still contacting the other girl whom he would not be able to see for years before they would be reunited IF reunited. Because of my actions of contacting his superiors he was placed on a no contact with the girl. Durring this time of no contact he found out she was already seeing someone else and didn't care for him. Now three days later he has called me to tell me that he misses the kids and I and wants me to go overseas so we can try to fix our marriage. Durring these two months he has told me that he was questioning his decision to be with her and not try to work things out but he still felt like we did not have a chance. But also durring these two months he has told me he feels he did not have an affiar because he had already told me that he didnt want to be with me. He says the other woman had nothing to do with the problems we were having but I feel otherswise. I still honeslty believe we can fix our marriage but not if he is not willing to put the full effort into it. I know I can not do it on my own. I feel like the only reason he wants to try to work things out is because he can no longer comunicate with her and because she basically ended it with him. I feel like I am the fall back. I know my husband and I can not fix our marriage if we are thousands of miles apart but I don't know if it is a good idea to drag the kids and myself over seas so soon if it is for someone who may not be ready for all that it takes to rebuild what has been torn apart and for someone who I feel is in denial over the entire thing.

Have you read the articles on infidelity and emotional needs on the site? Your situation is very textbook.

You keep saying that you think the marriage can be fixed, but then also say you don't think he will put the effort in. It sounds more like, "I'll work on it when you do." You're right, you can't do it by yourself, but neither can he.

It sounds to me like you're both being defensive and not totally honest with each other. You guys need to throw your pride out the window, lay it all on the table and work it out together. Your marriage needs to take priority, not cleaning the house, or going out with friends.

Would your husband have pursued that woman if he felt loved and admired both emotionally and physically at home? Would you have been more open to quality time and sexual fulfillment if he appreciated all the work you do at home and made you feel special?

You might want to move this to a different section of the forum that gets more traffic. There are amazing people on here and I'm still pretty new.
When I say I believe my marriage can be saved but not if he isn't going to put a full effort I mean it has a chance if he will try. I have told him many of times I wanted to work things out but he kept declining. Before he called to tell me it was over I had been trying to contact him so we could talk. I was scheduled to leave my kids with family to drive back to talk to him face to face about our situation and how I thought we needed to make a change. But I wasn't to leave until late Friday night and he called me Friday morning to call it quits. Believe me I regret not taking the time out from house work kids and going out and just talking to him. He has told me he regrets never opening up and talking to me he kept everything in as well. He was questioning how he felt about me I never questioned my love for him I just didn't like the road we were starting to go on. I'm sure that was his same thoughts at first but he was holding them in longer then me. I know the reasons he went to her was because she gave him the attention I was not taking the time to do. And you are right hes never really appreciated what I do around the house etc. With his raising all of that is expected not patted on the back for. I know with work on both our ends we can fix what is wrong and come back better then ever. One of my biggest concerns is if he's really ready or if he only wants us there because now he is truly alone now that he can not contact her. Should there be more time for clarity? How can we address the affair if he still doesn't think he had one?

I posted on this forum because it said military and I figured who better to understand then another military spouse even though these problems happen to all marriages regardless if it's military or not.
Thanks for clarifying. I would still repost this in the normal forums as the military aspect isn't so important in this case and the other posters have way more experience than I do.
Thanks. Already took your advice and posted to surviving an affair.
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