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Posted By: MissLady Different kind of deployment - 02/02/12 08:17 AM
I'm going to try to be as brief as possible....My husband is Active Duty for almost ten years. He's been to Iraq 2x. First time for 12 mos, second time for 15mos. We have three children have been married for 9 years and together for 12. He was unfaithful to me once before we were married. After his 2nd deployment w/in 6 mos we were PCS'ed to a base where his assignment was 2 weeks home-2 weeks in the field every month for 3 years. Most recently he was PCSed unaccompanied to GTMO where he has been for 9 mos. This has by far been the hardest deployment and our marriage has suffered hugely. His assignment now is 5am-3pm m-f. He has weekends and holidays off. In the 9 years hes been in he has never had such a schedule. As such he had been spending his nights and weekends drinking in excess (a habit he did not have at home). He was not calling home and he would not yahoo message or text despite the numerous ways to get intouch with us. I went out and bought myself an iphone so that i could be completely available to him. I have always been completely honest and transparent with him. Apparently to a fault. Over the course of this deployment I have had a rough time with no contact from him. Not because he's "deployed and can't call" like the others to Iraq- but because he CAN call and didn't. I found myself having to drag information out of him about his day. I'd ask him how was your day and his response would be good. Nothing more. I could go on and on and on starting with when my feet hit the ground in the morning attempting to make conversation and he was disinterested. My initial reaction was that he was having an affair. Why else would he be so disinterested in his family? He isn't in combat. He's a medic taking vitals and burning warts off all day. I went to see him in the fall but i had to literally force the visit on him by just buying the ticket. I am going back in a few weeks....again by force of suggestion that I go see him. Something just not right. It's been wrong for months. In any case I told him how I was feeling. I've been telling him how his behavior affects me. I've always put all my cards on the table with him. He came home for R&R and it was awkward at first but we had a few bandaid style conversations. He seemed apologetic then but I guess I was withdrawing....Nonetheless by the time his leave ended we had come to a better place....then he missed his flight. A woman he works with paid to fly him back to GTMO. He could have waited a few more days for the free flight. We didn't have the money for a hotel but I couldve asked someone to borrow it. Instead of asking me to do that he claims that this woman was with his roomate and offered when she heard he was in distress. We now owe her 400$. Naturally I was upset by this. It appeared to me that his "girlfriend" bailed him out of getting back from leave late. He insists its not like that. But the monday after he returned to work he got on the phone with me and told me he didnt want to be married to me because i make him feel terrible about himself. He said that i call it sharing my feelings but he thinks its being hateful and mean and hurtful. So in the discussion we had I ended up feeling like I convinced him to stay married to me when prior to this discussion it was I who wanted to leave him. It still leaves me with suspicion about this woman....who lends people 400$ out of the blue like that?! I don't think he is being honest about that situation. We have been doing ok for about a week and a half. I just don't feel right though. I KNOW there has been dishonesty. Things don't add up. He is telling me that I have nothing to worry about, talking about out future at his next duty station, telling me he loves me 1000 times a day. Messaging me on FB texting me when he gets home and calling me every night. Things seem perfect like we got married yesterday. I'm playing along. And I do feel that familiar intense love but there's a nagging doubt in my mind because I am 100% certain with all things instinctual that he was not honest about this woman. All calculations aside I don't know when he would find the time to have an affair because he is online with me most of the day after he gets off work. There are blocks of time that are unaccounted for but the internet is also very unreliable over there. But here I am, wondering again....if he is cheating on me. This should be a non issue because things are going so well between us but I don't know what to do. After what he said about my honesty being so hurtful I am at a loss. I want to protect his feelings but how can I be honest at the same time? I don't want to rock the boat but I also can't live like this with the feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. Aside from that, he's attentive NOW but how long can this last? He lasted one saturday with me but I feel reasonably certain that a Friday or Saturday is coming where he is going to neglect me and "not be able to get online". He used to start setting me up for the "internet troubles" on Thursdays and then Friday I wouldn't hear from him and then the same on Saturday night. But miraculously it would work on Sundays through Wednesdays. The other day he told me he was nervous about me coming to see him. I asked him why and he said because he is being awesome now but doesn't know if he is going to stay awesome. What the heck does that mean? I told him that if we are commited to staying married then I accept him with or without his awesomeness and that he neednt be nervous. I don't have any proof that he has had a physical affair. I have only the tone of his voice when I asked him if he has ever stepped out on our marriage, fridays and saturdays that hes attended parties where hes at and "gotten too drunk to call" or didn't get home until 4am, previous mysterious relationships (one that was most absolutely an emotional affair but he never admitted to) and a mountain of other lies that are insignificant by themselves but are the cause of the extreme mistrust. Infidelity has to be admitted in order to be worked through does it not? I know I can't live like this and I also know we have another 5 months to go until he is home and we can spend time together. Since he's been gone I've been tremendously insecure. My eating disorder is in full swing. I lost the baby weight (our youngest is 1) but I keep losing even though I am at a healthy weight. I'm getting my own help for that. I can't share with him. I feel like he doesn't REALLY care. I'm at a loss. I don't even know what I am asking of the forum. Thoughts on this I suppose. Thanks in advance.
Posted By: Amazin Re: Different kind of deployment - 02/02/12 02:54 PM
Miss Lady,

I'm sorry your here.

This is the military marriage forum. And yes... you're in a military marriage. However, you will get more responses and help if you move this thread to the Surviving an Affair forum. You can start a new thread by cutting and pasting your initial post in a new thread over there.

He's at GITMO now ... right? How much longer is he going to be there? Most people I know who were stationed there were only there for a year. However, there are people stationed there for 2, 3, 4, years.

Unfortunately, since he's there and you're not it's going to be difficult for you to snoop and find anything out.

By the way... Have you read the Marriage Builders basic concepts yet? If you haven't ... it will help.

Quote:
I don't even know what I am asking of the forum. Thoughts on this I suppose. Thanks in advance.


I'm not trying to put words in your mouth but I'd be asking others:

"Is this the behavior that a spouse exibits when they're in a extra marital affair?"

"How do I snoop from a long distance?"

There are veterans on this forum who are much better at giving you advice than I am. So ... re-post in the Surviving and Affair forum.

I'll make a post in the surviving an affair forum to see if some of the vets can come over here and help.
Posted By: GJM Re: Different kind of deployment - 02/02/12 05:29 PM
Hi misslady,

I understand your thoughts as to what may be happening with your H and marriage. A lot has happened in your marriage that would contribute to what you are experiencing right now. As a Marine of 17+ years, I know how hard it is to be away from family, experiece war zones and have to deal with work at the same time. I know you say he's a corpsman, but in Iraq I'm sure he dealt with different kinds of injuries and trauma.

The problem I see here is time apart. Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I believe it to be true when things are happy before two people separate. I think the lack of UA has created a gap in your marriage an top of whatever your H has gone through over the years. If he is in an affair, it will be hard to know for sure since he is away from home. I'm sorry you are going through this and for the late response. I think you should read Dr Harley's books on Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs so that you can communicate with your H without driving him away and show him a warm and inviting home for his return.
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