He also says he wants to feel appreciated, wants me to thank him for every little thing he does. I agree we should show each other appreciation but it needs to go both ways. We've been married for a long time and honestly I have never felt appreciated. And if I try and point that out then I am being a b*tch or selfish.

Thank you that is exactly how I feel. I keep telling him that actions speak louder than words but he wants the words and I just can't keep doing it over and over, it hurts to much. He is one that brings up past mistakes a lot and can't seem to let go (it's a family trait to hold grudges). I am one who believes that past should stay in the past and we should focus on teh here and now and the future.

How did you hide drinking a bottle of wine an evening?

Melody, finding out your spouse has been purposely hiding something from you feels like a betrayal. She hid this from him, and he likely had an expectation of O&H. I agree that she not grovel. And not tolerate yelling. But its up to him to decide whether he feels betrayed, and what compensation he needs for that. She can decide whether to give it or not.

Has your husband said he feels betrayed?

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.

There is a world of difference between adultery and hiding how much you are drinking from your spouse. Where does Harley ever recommend Just compensation for dishonesty?

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I can't find any. However, your next post references punishment after ten years, and the OP and her H are only months out from what can be a great betrayal. Maybe he can't forgive. Maybe she hasn't done enough. She had a secret second life he didn't know about...for how long?

The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

One of our important emotional needs is admiration. So whenever you remind your wife of achievements of her past or present, you deposit love units because she needs to be admired.

But when you remind her of her failures, you do the opposite. You undermine her confidence and self-esteem, and withdraw love units.

Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. These mistakes are mentioned repeatedly in an effort to make sure that the mistake is understood and corrected. But that's not how mistakes are understood or corrected. All this does is magnify the pain until conversation is too unpleasant to continue. Then hope of respectful negotiation is lost.

My drinking was always at home by myself, so no cheating or anything. I have been full blown honest with him about everything and it's just not enough. I KNOW the trust is gone and will take a very long time to come back. It's just the groveling that I am expected to do I can't deal with, and if I try and talk to him about it, he says that's not what it is, he just needs to hear it from me over and over that I am sorry and gets really pissed and yells and stuff.