Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time lurker, random poster who has never created her own thread before. First I wanted to start off by saying I don't know any of your personally but there are a few people who make my hear swell when I read their stories and their posts.

MelodyLane - I was so low a few days ago, I cried and prayed to you. I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual and you are who I would consider my "marriage saint" to use a Catholic term. You are actually the reason I am starting this thread. I honestly feel my cry to you for help has been answered. You touch more people than you realize.

Pepperband - You are a wealth of knowledge who never beats around the bush. I've always appreciated the directness of your posts and the love and support you show people by not letting them fall short of the MB way.

Scotland - You are my role model of strength and a perfect example of a what a student should be. I discovered MB because of your thread. It came up when I Googled for this type of information. It took me 3 days to read your thread which had me in tears at times. I check up on you fairly regularly and hope that Bampot has come to his senses. No matter what happens though, I know you will come out a winner because you've already won.

There are many others I follow up on and that my heart goes out to. Thank you all for being brave enough to post your stories and put yourself out there. I understand this board is "anonymous", but I have been scared myself to post my own story. Probably in a fear of being completely honest with myself about myself and my marriage. Today however, this has changed.


It's hard to find a starting point sometimes but I'll do my best to be concise. My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years, together for 12. We have no children (by choice). There has never been an incident of infidelity. We have had struggles over the last 5 years (financial, personal, family) that have strained our relationship and our love bank levels have fluctuated too much to be healthy for our joint future. Neither of us had healthy "marriage role models" or even healthy role models period, in any of our parents. I know for a fact that we love each other immensly. We have pretty much grown up together and attempted to find our way through life the best we can. I know that we are capable of learning together and being the person we should be for the other and getting the love out of our relationship we so desperately want and need.

I am here to cleanup my own side of the street. I see an individual counselor on a regular basis who has helped me in some ways and not so much in others. Admittedly this is probably my fault. I find it difficult to be fully open with her and sometimes find myself saying things in a way to protect myself or my husband or my marriage. I have diffculty admitting my faults, expressing frustrations or being honest about my feelings. I know this is due to my home environment growing up as a child but regardless of the reasons, it does not bode well for the success of my marriage. Especially since I think that Openness & Honesty is my husbands top EN.

About a year ago I gathered the courage to tell hubby about Marriage Builders and express to him I wanted him to join me in reading the material. He was willing but I never followed up and took the initiative to "drive the bus". Last night, after an argument and subsequently uncomfortable and unhappy day, I was honestly wondering whether or not I still loved him enough to want to make an effort anymore. I was so hurt and upset and I just felt empty and alone. Before bed however, hubby was being sweet, affectionate and apologetic. I think he intuitively felt how hurt I was. And then he said to me "I've been thinking about reading those marriage books (meaning Fall in Love, Stay in Love & LoveBusters) you have. I think that it would be easier for us if we both had the same tools to work with." Even though he had been willing previously to participate, the fact he took initiative and had been thinking about MB filled my heart with happiness and love for him. This morning before I left for work, I left Fall in Love, Stay in Love on the bathroom counter for him. Our plan is to read independently and talk about what we've learned. I'm hoping that he will also post here so he can have the support from all the wonderful board members.

I know that for many of you, this will seem like a relatively small step but I have had so much anxiety over introducing him to MB. I was scared he would laugh at me or become angry or brush it off as "just another marriage counselor selling books" or something. I knew most of these fears were irrational, but they were very real. I know that I may need encouragement from everyone here to keep me, keeping us, on the road to success.

I love my husband so much. I love looking at him and seeing myself in his eyes, feeling our shared history between us, appreciative of the strength he has shown when I've been weak. He's a wonderful man who has always shown to be worthy of my trust. He loves me, and all people, in a way I wish I could myself. Next to him I feel as though I am less than human, his heart and spirit are so big.

He is not without flaws. He can be quick to anger and uses disrespectful judgements to hurt me and I think get my attention. However he knows how wrong this is and has gotten progressively better at controlling his anger and choosing words more carefully.

His biggest complaint about me is my tendency to lie to coverup mistakes I have made or "glaze over" something I've done to upset him in order to avoid taking responsibility for what I've done. This is and instinctive and harmful habit. One that I MUST resolve.

Ultimately, I'm excited to be here. I'm excited my husband wants to utilize MB.

I want to post here often. I want to be honest about my experiences and my journey. Honesty is the only way to get the marriage I want. I need you all to help hold me accountable.

I know this is a long post but I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read.

MelodyLane and Pepperband have had a substantial impact on our lives as well.

As far as reading the material separately....

My wife and I listened to His Needs/Her Needs on a CD/audio version which allowed us to listen TOGETHER and also to pause the CD and discuss at will. We started the CD in the car on a road trip together. I think men like talking in the car as there are less distractions, they want something to do to kill time anyway and there is less non-verbal communications (it's easier for many guys to have difficult emotional conversations when not making eye contact).

Other couples here have found reading the books out loud to one another helpful.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Hi MrWondering -

Yours is a name I am familiar with as well I did suggest reading together and I would like to move toward that because I do feel it's more beneficial to be able to stop and discuss as we work through the material. I think he decided reading separately would be good because e may feel slightly apprehensive/nervous. I know I was scared to bring up MB because I didn't want to "rock the boat" so to speak and discover uglier things under the water. It's taken me some time to realize the ugliness will seep into the boat eventually no matter what.

Thank you for your suggestion as well on the CDs! We aren't in the car together often or usually for very long but I will keep it in mind. We have had really great conversations in the car in the past so I completely agree it's a good location/opportunity for learning together.

Reading aloud to each other (my wife and I) worked great. We would usually start with some cuddling ... then I would ask if my wife would like me to read some of our books. OFten times our cuddling before hand would create a safe feeling in the atmosphere of approaching some reading. If the conversation about certain situations brought us to a heated state I would just let my wife know that I understand and that we are working on things together. For the most part we had prior understanding that reading hte books together were not meant to make us fight but for us to realize and understand what got us to where we are now.

Alot of the reading sparked up great conversation and many times both of us admitted to our wrong doings during those reading times as the veil of what a marriage should look like was removed.

Keep up the good work... those books are priceless and a gem for any marriage.

Possibly you could take a look at the LB and EN qustionairs if you have not done so already ... also the personal history questionair too .. all those items really helped us see where we need to improve on our relationship and the books served for better understanding about he questionairs.

MNG

Hi ABetterME! Thanks so much for your kind words of confidence. I am very glad you are getting posts from MrW and MrNiceGuy because they are both guys who have successfully used this program. I agree with all the things they have said.

One suggestion I might add is to get your hands on the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It is cheap and makes it so much easier to use this program. It tells you how to do each step. Your H will probably like that approach too.

And one final thing, please don't pray to me! I am just an old sinner and absolutely no saint! I swear! Our God is the one and only true God.

Thanks ML! YOU are the best! Could not have done it without all you great and amazing MB people!

Hi MrNiceGuy! Another familiar "face" I'm glad to see! I love your idea about cuddling and reading. And I think prefacing the activity as you have is important:


And Melody, you may have sinned but you've helped to save me!


I didn't know there was a workbook to go along with the reading! I'm so excited. I'll order this today

Dear aBetterMe,

Thank you very much for your kind words.
Any marriage improves once you begin implementing the MB concepts/tools.

I am currently recovering from surgery, so I'm not contributing to the forums as much as I once was.
I was alerted to your thread by a MB friend.

Best wishes to your continued MB success !!!

Hi Pep!

Thank you so much for stopping by! I meant every word. I'm sorry to hear you had to have surgery but I hope it was successful and that you recover quickly!

{{{{Pep}}}}

Thanks for the encouragement .. I am glad you find that I am familiar! I sometimes question my own postings as my marriage is far from perfect ... but its 100 fold better than it used to be just over a year ago. We have our ups and downs .. but far more ups than downs now thanks to MB and the great ppl here.

I only hope that by contributing here I can help influence someone to make their marriage great too.

MNG

Question - Since we're just beginning our journey together through MB, we will obviously make mistakes along the way and be hurt or hurt the other person. What do you do to recover from those mistakes? How to do protect your love bank until the other person has an opportunity to correct their error?

Mr Pep says to me:

"One bad day, or one bad week, does not make a bad marriage."

Remember, everyone is learning and making mistakes.

Progress, not perfection.

You protect your love bank by NOT making any love-busters yourself.



PS:
MB appropriate responses become more automatic with practice.

Hop in the sack when you make up.

This is good to remember!

I ordered the workbook yesterday and paid for the faster shipping and I can't wait to get it in the mail. DH hasn't started reading FIL,SIL yet but I'll bring it up with him this weekend if he still hasn't cracked it. He did mention it yesterday when I left it on the dresser so I know it's still on his mind. I don't want to seem to pushy and give him a chance to follow through on his idea, but I don't want to let my insecurities let it fall to with wayside either.

Hi Everyone - I'm back. A quick update: Since 4/2012 hubby and I didn't actually start the MB program or read the books. It's not an excuse, but life got in the way and in 11/2012 I received a new job offer and he and I relocated to California. It was an EXTREMELY challenging move and there were a few times I didn't think our marriage would last. Somehow we've scraped by, but now that life is normalizing, our same issues are reappearing. Today I literally begged him to do MB with me. This time I am committed to the program. I am so empty, depressed and despondent over the state of my marriage and I know this is the only program that will get us back on track.

I need your help everyone! I hate conflict and tension and inevitably while we work through this, there will be tension! Please help hold me accountable and help me see things with clear eyes. This is our last chance. I know it. I can barely keep from crying today.

Have you thought about signing up for the online program? You will be assigned a coach and have access to Dr. Harley.

I had not thought of the coaching center. Are there charges to participate?

The coaching center and online programs do cost.

Courses, Seminar, and Accountability:The Marriage Builders� Programs

I read your link for the classes and coaching. Since money is tight I think we'll give it a go with reading the books together and doing the workbook first. If we are struggling, we can come to the forum. If we still struggle, I guess that's what the credit card is for! Ha!

I know hubby is nervous but he's already using MB terms like "love bank" which shows me he cares. We'll just take baby steps and build it into our routine. I just have to be patient

Also, try listening to the free radio show every day. You can get the free app for your phone or listen to it via the Internet. It's a great education for anyone who wants a better marriage.

Have you filled out the Marital Problem Analysis? We had to start with that when we did the Online Program. Then tear out the UA worksheet page from the workbook and make copies of it. Sit down once a week at the same time each week and schedule your dates out of the house.

Is your biggest problem lovebusters? Or not meeting emotional needs?

Good luck abetterme I'm begging my wife to try the program but failing.

Thanks LW - I've been listening to the radio show for a little while now. I have a long commute so it's a good time for me to tune in. We haven't filled out the analysis yet. I'm going to look through the workbook today and sit with hubby to figure out our schedule.

For me the biggest issue is love busters. I think it's the same for him, and maybe unmet needs, specifically Recreational Companionship.

X3954 - don't give up hope. I first brought MB to hubby's attention in 2010. Life is tough and gets in the way. After a recent blow up, I literally begged him to do the program with me. But we'd also been talking about how things weren't going to work out if we continued down the same path. Start with conversation first and then listen to each other's suggestions. I don't know much about your situation but so far this is how mine has played out until we agreed to MB.

Just stopping in real quick to give an update. We read the first two chapters of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" we plan on reading more tonight. The reading went fine, no major discussions but hubby has obviously prioritized this since he knows how much I believe in Marriage Builders. It feels really great, especially considering how long it took for us to do this together and how much we've been through the last few years.

Are the two of you listening to the radio show together every day?

No, I listen to the radio show on occasion during my commute but he isn't. I'm focused on getting us both on the same page with the basics first.

One more chapter complete last night, plus we've had two nights this week we've been intimate. That hasn't happened in years. I have felt so disconnected from hubby for so long. I feel little bits of the wall chipping away. My love bank has been low and nearly empty for a few years now but with these baby steps I'm starting to feel hope and rekindled affection and care.

Hi everyone - quick question: I recently learned an long-term friend of mine has been unfaithful. I've talked to her and purchased "Surviving an Affair" for her to read. I know that they have struggled over the years and I want to make sure she has all the tools she needs to recover from the affair as well as have a passionate marriage. Does "Surviving an Affair" cover emotional needs and love busters? Or should she also have additional reading material?

It doesn't hurt for her to have the other books also, but SAA is definitely where they should start.

Will she come to MB? Does her BH know?

Hi BrainHurts - yes, I've brought her to MB and she has been reading the material here. She should be getting the book today. Her BH does know as do her children, in-laws, other family and some close friends. She has been doing some of the exposure on her own volition and plans on telling her parents next week. I've encouraged her to tell her BH about the site and the books and let him know she has tools and a plan to right this wrong. I hope she will do that. I've also encouraged her to start her own thread here for support and guidance.

Has she written a NC Letter?