MODS: Please move topic if necessary

OK, here goes - - I love my wife dearly and want our marriage to succeed. The problem is trying to get her to open up and share with me what she is so upset about or why she feels hurt. About every 6mos or so, I can get her to share some things, but she has never totally opened up. She is scared to share her hurts. This is really starting to degrade our marriage, because she holds so much inside and will not let me know why she is hurt and depressed.

Any advice? PLEASE go easy on the acronyms at first, I am new here.

I would request that she visit the doctor if she is depressed.

What exactly is going on? My H would be OVERJOYED if I didn't share my hurts (lol); is she behaving like she is upset and when you ask her what is going on, she replies, "Nothing!" ?

I would just believe her, and tell her so. "Okay, I will have to believe you. Since nothing is bothering you, will you please stop crying/throwing things/making that face?"

What exactly is she doing?

Click "notify" on the bottom of your post and ask to be moved to MB101.

Welcome Ernie78 to Marriage Builders.

Read this it will help you get accustomed.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

Oh... I know for a fact that there isn't "nothing" wrong.

She is 100% non-confrontational. She came from an abusive marriage where she was punished by her exHub if she told him she was unhappy in the marriage. I can't seem to convince her that I won't do the same thing.

She puts on a happy face and smiles and kisses me when I get home... even when inside she is severely disliking me. I am easily fooled by the facade, unfortunately - - and I get "lulled into complacency" thinking everything is actually OK.

So - - she holds it inside and won't tell me what I am doing wrong (most of the time) and she kind of expects me to never forget any of the details of the hurts she has shared in the past (every 6 mos or so). I wish I could get a "refresher" course in "wife happiness 101" from her every so often (weekly?), but she says she "feels stupid" for having to try to tell me.

We have several Dr Harley books - she is a stay at home mom and can find time to read them, I seldom have any free time.

Thanks for the welcome, BrainHurts.

So what are her top EN?

What is it she doesn't like about you?

Hit the notify and ask the MODS to move this to101.

It has been moved, thanks.


1) Real and effective time communicating with one another is her top EN. The bad part is, it usually takes an hour or two to get through the "fluff" conversation, and to actually start talking about "us" issues. We are constantly getting interrupted with kid issues - StpDaugtr is a VERY "mommy needy" child. The interruptions make it go very slowly. By the end of two hours, my attention span has diminished quite a bit, I am afraid

2) Her main dislike is that I have so little time to spend with her. I have a cubicle job and a voice that carries well, so I don't like to call from my desk because everyone in the area can hear me. That means I need to call from my cell phone in a remote location, and it can be hard to find a private (and quiet) place to talk at work. I need to hone that skill, more though. I just don't like when other people can eavesdrop. I also seem to be called to "emergency meetings" daily. She would love it if I called several times a day. It is very hard to do. I admit that I haven't been doing it much. I fall into "tunnel vision" at work, as I am very task-focused.

At home, there are always chores or yardwork to be done, house or car to fix, kid time, etc. I just can't seem to find quality time with my wife with everything going on. I know we need 15 hours of UndvdAttn each week, but it is such a struggle to find it.

You and your wife need to sit down on Sundays and schedule your UA time.
Can you do this?

Some more fantastic articles. Conversation is boring

Blended families are a challenge of their own.
Dr. H says you and your wife should be first, then kids.
Listen to these fantastic radio clips on blended families.
Radio clip of blended families #1
#2
#3
#4

Yes - If we could each just remember/remind to do this!! Neither one of us sets this event up.


YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL!!!!! It has taxed me greatly, and the EN of an ex-battered spouse are very high - and specific.
I have no family near, and all of my friends from my single days are gone - - and trying to make new ones that are family/marriage oriented has been a slooooooooow process due to the lack of time.


I believe this to be true, in theory. It has been so VERY hard to make this happen, in practice. The kids are always around, since we have no one available to watch them; getting quality UA is VERY hard to do.


Thanks, Will do

Were you married before? If so how did your M end?
How did your DW's end?

Do you think your wife may be depressed?
Depressed Spouse by Dr. H

Schedule UA time this is a must

I have never been married - A couple of 2+ year girlfriends and engaged once quite a few years back.

Wife's married ended 4 years ago ('08) - very abusive

Hi Ernie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would focus on finding time for your UA time. Find babysitters and start scheduling 15+ hours each week. It is best to schedule 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house with just you and your wife, meeting these needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Couples that don't do this - and most ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO DO THIS - fall out of love. This program does not work without this step.

The problem with most marriages is that evrything else comes before the marriage. And it is that everything else that eventually destroys the love in the marriage.

Thank you all for the great advice!

This is FULL of disrespect. Are you especially sensitive to anything but full admiration? How do you know she is acting happy while secretly disliking you?

How do you know for a fact? Is it because she has expressed complaints and you ignore them?
Practice listening. Write things down if you need to. When she tells you something, REMEMBER, and address it! I think your wife is being overly kind in saying that she feels stupid; she likely would say You appear stupid when she has to repeat it. Sticking around with an oblivious guy who just won't get it does make us feel dumb, though.

Do you truly think a SAHM has more time than you do? We all have 24 hours a day. You probably get an hour at lunch that your SAHM wife does not have. Probably paid, too. She likely eats her lunch on the fly, while wrangling children who are often more demanding than bosses. SAHM is a 24-hr a day, 7 days a week job with no vacation and no sick days. Your comment was condescending, and shows ME that you think you are more important than her.

I may be wrong.

But I doubt it.

I am not saying this to be patronizing, but my 5 years as a SAHM were the hardest of my working history. I went back to work when my littlest one went into kindergarten just to get some relief! Honestly, that is the hardest job and I marvel at those who do it successfully.

I marvel at the ones who love it! I have not hated it, but yeah, it is demanding. I had it easy with multiple children; they could entertain each other much of the time, once we got past the diaper stage. To have one child home and one in school is a constant onslaught of gimmegimmegimme. dodododo. pick up, clean, pick it up again, and clean it all over!

UA time is CRITICAL! ... I myself have had many ups and downs .. and I notice that the downs tend to be when our UA time is also down .. they are VERY intertwined. Its hard to be "In Love" when your not spending enough time together.

Get working on spending time with your wife .. doing things like you used to do when you courted her.. Its easy to lose sight of this when lifes nagging pressures get in the way, but if its not taken care of (your marriage) your kids will suffer and so will you and your wife in the long run as you both fall out of love because of your neglect towards each other. (see the article Taking care of children means taking care of each other)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html

Have you printed out the questionares? The EN and LB and Personal history questionares? They may be of value to you in determining what direction you should focus on meeting your wifes EN's. make 2x of each and fill them out and exchange them and review.... also if you dont have any of DR. Harleys books I highly reccomend
"His needs Her Needs"
"His Needs Her Needs for Parents"
"Love Busters"
"Fall in love stay in love"

Here is the questionaires...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html - ENQ
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html - LBQ
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4503_phq.html - PHQ

MNG

Agreed. Taking care of a toddler all day is harder than my previous career (which involved answering 911 calls ranging from robberies to domestic disputes for 12 hours a day).

I sense from your post (and since she is not opening up, I will say it for her) that she probably feels that she is underappreciated and that your job is just more important than hers. That she should just be 'grateful' despite coming last constantly. This resentment can kill the love in a marriage, believe me, we faced this very issue when I came here. UA time helps massively.

I'm new here too so I probably shouldn't be giving advice.
If your wife has had problems with expressing her feelings in the past (ex husband) then she's probably use to holding them in. I know it can be difficult and I don't know the true answer but she may just not be comfortable. I do the same thing hold it all in until I feel I can't hold anymore.
The worst thing you can do is not communicate with her. She probably deals with a lot in her day, as you do too. And she needs to know you're in it together and needs to feel comforted by you. You need to be the one she talks to or she will never open up to you. Every now and then, I'm sure you get a lunch break, call her ask her how her day is, how she is tell her about yours.
She needs you.

Best of luck!

bump

Ernie - I think it is a GREAT sign that you are here, posting, asking for insight and advice. That fact alone tells me there are many reasons to hope that your marriage can become what both you and your wife want it to be.

My best advice is to get in to Harley. We can help motivate you, give you a little nudge here and there or maybe clarify certain things - but the advice on this forum is no substitute for investing the time and effort in to understanding and implementing Harley's program for building marriages that last. The big picture is too big to properly convey in little clips and sounds bites. Harley, incompletely understood and applied may actually be worse than doing nothing at all. I hear that you are busy - but you must make the time. Imagine how busy you'll be when you're wife tells you she wants a divorce.

Get and read "Fall In Love and Stay In Love" AND "LoveBusters." Fall In Love is available on CD - you can listen to it during your commute. I can't over emphasize how important it is for you to really invest in this.

In the mean time...

Tell you wife you love her and are committed to making your marriage relationship safe and amazingly satisfying for both of you. Tell her to be patient as you learn new ways of thinking and behaving, and making these new behaviors in to permanent habits.

Accept your wife's reality for what it is - her reality. What she needs is what she needs. What she says hurts her hurts her. Don't try to talk her out of her feelings and in to other, better, more rational feelings. Doing so is a major sign of disrespect and invalidation - both big love busters.

You probably don't need what she needs and may not even understand it yet. But when she requests you do something that would make her feel cared for - find a way to do it, or something similarly satisfying for her, and do it enthusiastically, consistently and sincerely over and over again, every day if needed. Yes, you probably do need a refresher - a checklist, a daily reminder, an explicit program. She will need to be super specific in her requests. She says she feels stupid asking for what she needs - but help her see she must ask. She cannot expect you to read her mind. When you read Harley you'll see how he talks about this doomed expectation. I believe it will make sense to both of you.

I'm not saying you should do anything you're not enthusiastic about. That won't last either. Have you read about the policy of joint agreement? It is an awesome and powerful concept.

Enough for now... if you are serious about making your marriage stick - time to get to work. Continuing to do what you've been doing so far is obviously not effective.

BWS

BWS, Ernie posted last in April. His thread was bumped because his wife is posting here now. (Elaina77 on the MB101 forum.)

Thanks bliss. I didn't notice the dates. Hopefully he's still listening

No prob. I've done the same thing.

Have you followed the suggestion for Undivided Attention time?
Spending more time with you and your wife doing something you both want to do?

Do you feel you have an anger management problem?

I haven't been here in a while.... Should I update where this went? We actually improved a lot after this thread. I didn't come back and update y'all with the way things were going, sorry about that.

Are you doing those things Jedi listed in his post: