This is my first post, I'm writing here bc t the moment I don't have the money to pay for couseling/ hubby won't pay for it and I need some outside advice as I feel like I'm overwhelmed with emotion and stress.

My husband and I have been married for about a little over two years now. (we also have a 2 year old son together.)

To make a long story short, before marriage we lived together and I ended up calling off our first wedding date bc of a "sexual addiction". (found porn, him contacting girls for pics, and just trying to pressure me to do things I didn't want to do.)

Anyways, after I called off the wedding due to the pressuring me for something I didn't want, he went to addictions couseling. The counselor eventually said he was doing great and gave the okay for us to marry. I saw many changes (him wanting to do church things And just a lot of changes that I wanted in a man I was going to marry etc) he told me he wouldn't marry me if we didn't get married before he left for military training...so we planned a wedding and I thought I could trust him again 100% as he was trying so hard and doing all the right things!

Anyways, shortly after the wedding we found out I was preggo, and he seemed to being doing good but just didn't do a lot of the things like read certain books together that I asked him to and didn't get an accountability partner etc... I also would have struggles at times thinking I was not good enough for him and to this day still struggle when pretty girls are in the room and he even see them. (and I know I'm not ugly at all...I'm just painful aware i don't feel like his number 1) and that created issues. (he then left for military training)

When the baby came a few weeks after his military training, I had no help (with a premie) and so I went home a lot (he is military so we moved to a new state 2 days before the baby was born.) bc I would just cry all the time and he wouldn't even change a diaper of I asked half the time, and I still feel resentful about that. (I really try and pray for a forgiving spirit...but it's so hard.) it took him 8 months before he finally understood I might want a few hours out with a friend without having the baby with me. I also could work when I went home bc he didn't like to pay for a sitter am my job takes some building up before I have any sort of normal income.

I made him miserable I'm sure because I would make big deals about things when we were alone about trust and I had a really hard time keeping up with baby, cleaning to his standard (I still can't do that!), I have trouble respecting him as I feel he lied to me web he married me (I was told GOd and family were the most important things) he says now he doesn't care what God thinks or I think.

Now, I'm at a loss. I've "nagged" him to try and go to couseling with me for te last year or so. I've gone when I could, and have gone home quite a bit. When ever I left and went home I would find things he would do behind my back. (buy men's magazines, watch movies with a lot of nudity even though he knows I'm very sensitive to that and said he wouldnt do it.) he says I'm too restrictive yet he won't tell me what boundaries he wants in the marriage. (altho he ha tried to make me go into a strip club and I had to ask his friends if we could not go in... was his idea and we ended up in the parking lot before i asked his friends to leave bc he wouldnt listen.)

now, when when he thinks I'm being disrespectful, he will on occasion slap me "to get my attention". Not hard really it does not leave a mark and it does not happen that often.. This last week he asked me if I wanted to die. (he doesn't mean it bc he acts really nice after) he does a great job at supporting me financially and I feel guilty bc im not at all happy anymore. (I want want to feel secure and idk...I want to work a few days a week but he doesn't really want me to bc I think he feels it will take away time from him/ keeping up with the house.) I feel selfish, I'm so close to just going home and filing papers. Our son loves his dad, but i also dont ever want him to learn aome od the things he ha seen. (he watched when the hubs corned me and asked if I wanted to die... Ick.) (keep in mind he would never ever do that and he was reacting to a disrespectful thing I said.)

I almost feel guilty bc he says it's my fault our marriage isn't working. And yes, I know I've probably nagged too much. He has a ton of really great qualities, and I understand it takes two. I know a lot of the mean stuff he has done wouldn't happen if I wouldn't ha brought up the trying to work on things or maybe kept my mouth shut more.

I feel so caught up in everything and I feel like in this crazy roller coaster and I can't tell what's top from bottom. can this even be saved? I can't live like this much longer and I afraid to just "be the nice, quite wife" bc I know he doesn't care the majority of the time what I think so who knows what he will do when he starts leaving a lot. Any advice on even where to start?

It can be slow around here on weekends but the vets will be along. In the meantime, I can tell you that Dr. Harley would advise you to separate from your husband for at least a year while he gets help for his anger. It is dangerous for you to make excuses for him and say he wouldn't hurt you. Slapping you, cornering you and asking if you want to die are not normal nor acceptable behaviors. Abuse tends to escalate and when someone is angry they are temporarily insane.

Please get out with your child and then, if your husband agrees to get help through the Marriage Builders website (they will require anger management) you may have some hope.

You need to leave. It sounds like your family would help you. File a restraining order if necessary.

Your husband is using severe intimidation tactics to control your behavior. We call them Selfish Demands. In your case it's extreme and dangerous. Your safety and that of your son is at stake, whether you want to admit it or not. You will not see it from within the drama -- only if you get out and seek a removed perspective and seek opinions of those who care about you and can be honest.

opt

So another question then... I told him I was going to leave. He told me no and said if I left I was not being a submissive wife and he will remove my phone, cancel my insurance, and cancel any debit/ credit cards I havewith him.
(my parents will help me, so that's okay.) I've started to pack but he doesn't realize I'm really going to head home.

Any good tips on how to tell him or should I leave when he is at work? (I don't know that he will do anything to me...but at the same time I'm a bit afraid of how he might react...I know he will be angry...)

AJC, since your husband has hit you in the past, I would quietly leave while he gone.

You're not supposed to be a 'submissive' wife to all him to control you. He is now threatening you and has already struck you. This is NOT how a marriage should be. You need to leave with your child. Get out of the house.

By leaving, you establish a few things:
1. You are removing yourself from potential harm - both physical and psychological.
2. That you will not tolerate being threatened and intimidated.
3. You teach your son that it is not acceptable to allow yourself to be treated that way, (and then converse: that he can not act that way toward others).

You don't ask permission to leave. You don't discuss it. It is clear that this is not a person who negotiates well; this would be part of the conditions for your return.

By the way, we all know you're not perfect. We all have done things that provoke our spouses to be upset with us. But we all agree that being upset with one's spouse is NO excuse for angry outbursts/selfish demands/threatening behavior.

Also, Dr. Harley has addressed this very scenario a few times that I myself can recall, and I have heard him advise people to quietly leave, as you have been advised above by very experienced posters.

Once you get established somewhere safe, you can delve more into MB and learn more about how to establish ground rules for a wonderful marriage.

opt

He also told me we are over if I leave... And he has been being very nice since our last thing that happened. (when he is nice, I get my hopes up we can work it out when im with him and it makes me feel at times guilty I'm planning on going home) . I'm so worried im doing the wrong thing, yet I do want positive changes for both of us. . Thanks for all the responses it has been very helpful in trying to get my emotions in check and try and make some sort of proactive decision for our family.

He will continue to be nice right up until he isn't. And then after he's done hitting you, he'll be nice again. Until he isn't. Change the dynamic and get out of there. Abusive spouses eventually end up abusive parents. You need to leave to protect yourself and to protect your child; that's more important than anything at this point.

Please read.

Domestic Violence #1

Thanks! I did not see that article when I was reading through this site. It seems so simple when you read about someone else! (even though her story seems much more severe.) I am having my parents arrange to help me get home as soon as this hurricane is over.

Good.

Here are some good clips also.
Radio clip on Domestic Violence
Segment #2

Here are some more.
Radio clip
Segment #2