Dr. Harley on making exceptions:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2747

In context, Dr. Harley is talking about exceptions to the Marriage Builders "no contact with a former affair partner or lover" Extraordinary Precaution. But this holds true for a lot of other MB guidelines as well.

You can make all the exceptions you want -- but if you want to benefit from Dr. Harley's experience repairing marriages, it might be worth your while to give this warning some attention: in his experience, the exceptions people make usually fail to work out in the long term.

I'll give you an example of where I've been guilty of this: Dr. Harley says to eliminate demands, disrespect, and anger. I was here for over a year and had been in the Marriage Builders coaching program for almost a year when I finally realized that "eliminate" did not mean "reduce" or merely "try to avoid." I thought I was doing my part and an occasional love buster was understandable. But that's not at all what Dr. Harley says, and by carving out this exception for myself, I was causing our marriage to fail!

Dr Chalmers says it best to me each and every time we chat about LBs. We have a NO TOLERANCE rule.

Hi Markos,

I hope you are doing well.

Let me ask you a question...

There is no way that my husband will agree to 15-20 hours of time with me as an explicit expectation. Not right now. He is really nervous about what that will require him to give up. But he will agree to 10.

Here is my thinking,

10 happily scheduled hours will likely overflow into more (when we are having enjoyable time together we are both reluctant to let it end). He feels the same.

He is not actually adverse to spending time with me, just the idea of officially scheduling the full 15-20 hours with me is (right now, as we are starting out) more than he can take.

What do you think is the drawback to starting this way (where we officially schedule 10, but strive for 5- 10 more?

(Be gentle with me, okay? )

I'm not Markos, but I can tell you what happened to me. I couldn't get him to even schedule 10. He would "try" for us to go on dates each week. The result was that at first I had 16, 12 9 hours and then... 2 or 3 each week basically talking alone in our room or making love. Look at my thread and find the post where Brain links you to my time on the show. Dr. Harley spent 4 sections trying to convince my husband of why it was important for ME. (Now if I only had the courage to let him listen to it.)

Listen to Melody Piecmealing doesn't work. I just don't have the courage to try anything else.

Telly,

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to address this. I will try to be gentle.

You're covering for him. Making it easy on him because he's agreed to "try" the program. If he's going to try it he's got to really do it ... not just the parts or percentages he feels comfortable with.

When he says there's no way he can give you more than 10 hours of his time? How does that make you feel? Does that add or subtract units from your Love Bank?

Given the two types of resentment if he so chooses to only spend 10 hours with you instead of 20 which one do you feel?

And if he chooses to do 20 which one will he feel?

I think this is why I thought this would be helpful to you and I hope he reads this so he can understand what it does to you and what it does to the marriage. You have to buy into this. You can�t dilly-dally around it. It doesn�t work when it�s done sort of halfway. Someone always comes out the loser; gets burned and thus the marriage flounders. That connection isn�t being built. Trying to do the program alone is even more difficult.

I would recommend reading the section on the Giver and the Taker.

Here is the clip of my show

They finally posted it.
Radio clip of tiredwife's call
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Well it didn't work. It is the last post on page 15 of my selling mb thread.

Here you go.
Radio clip of tiredwife's call
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Telly, hon, take your Taker to the table, brainstorm with abandon, what would make him enthusiastic about spending 2 and a half hours a day with you? Your kids get a ton of uninterrupted attention every day, so you're in a better position than most. How about an hour in the morning, meeting for lunch a few times a week, an hour a night, and a date night?

telly, really??? as of yesterday, after being a member for 8 years?

You know the answer.

Are you happy in your marriage? If you are still married to the same guy, and are still not happy after 8 years of MB, it's your fault. Period.

Telly, here is what I have observed when folks try to do it that way. It usually backfires. And let me explain why. Getting in even 10 hours of UA time won't be enough to hit the romantic threshhold so he won't ever hit a point where he wants to do it. You will always be in competition with other recreational activities that he enjoys more and will pale in comparison.

As a result, the time you do get together suffers in contrast. The other downside of getting half a loaf is that it convinces a reluctant spouse that this program [or the concept of UA] doesn't work. IT usually turns into a disappointing exercise for both.

I have actually had people tell me here that UA "doesn't work" and it was always because they didn't get in enough time. That is because in order for this be effective you have to get in enough time to fall in love and that love will make *YOU* his most important recreational activity. That is the goal. So rather than him saying he won't give up any of his rec activities for this, he will be saying he can't give up his time WITH you to do that stuff.

It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20-25 to create. So if the romantic love has eroded in your marriage it will take more than 15 hours to restore the love in your marriage.

If it were me, I would aim 100% of my focus on getting him to do the entire program. Getting him to do bits and pieces is a distraction that won't deliver the results you want. A piece is not going to get you a whole, but if you can get him committed 100%, he would become enthusiastic about your UA time and not feel like he is giving something up.

I agree with this. The issue, from my perspective is that you settle for this. MrA is absolutely correct that he has to really do it. It does not work piece meal. Dr Harley wrote in Effective Marriage Counseling that he wouldn't even accept clients who wouldn't devote at least 15 hours a week to this program, because his program does not work without it.

Can we help you come up with a strategy to persuade him to get on board?

Telly, think about how it fits into your day, your week. You are presenting 2 scenarios.

1. We will plan 10 hours, and try for 5 more unplanned hours, because he is really nervous about what that will require him to give up. And when he gets nervous, that's my signal that negotiation needs to stop. In choosing between planning and hoping for the rest of the time, I choose hoping, because 10 happily scheduled hours will likely overflow into more.
2. We will plan 20 hours, because I want to be realistic, and I know with two kids, sometimes things happen, so even if something falls through, we'll still be well above the threshold. He is nervous, but we didn't give up negotiating, we each found something to be enthusiastic about with this.

You're already lonely and frustrated. How about making it as easy as possible for yourself and your family. Would your H be willing to read this thread? I think the MrA and ML have given some reasons your H may be enthusiastic about planning more.

To add to NED's point, UA time that is not scheduled is way too easy to put off.

I would focus on selling your husband on the REASONS for UA time. He stands to gain great benefit from this because he will have a romantic, happy marriage. People buy ideas/things when there is a perceived benefit. IF he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, he might be more willing to give up things he enjoys more.